[QUOTE=Osku958;23802236]I'm a human[/QUOTE]
Your avatar says you are a pirate
if you knew me, you wouldn't need me to tell you what you would know
I am a dick but not really.
If you really knew me, you'd know I only wish to live to about 45 years old.
If you knew me you would know that I am quite the asshole right now. However I am quite the nice guy most of the time.
I call troll op
If you really knew me you'd know that this is a show on mtv.
if you really knew me you'd know that the above post makes me inclined to google it
If you knew me you would know that I hate anything other people like, unless I'm alone- then I indulge a little. I'm a bit of an eccentric, if you ever ask anyone to describe me, I like the title, but it makes me feel distant from "Normal" people.
If you really knew me, you would know that I am a woman.
[QUOTE=Espio;23802358]:glomp:
I look big and scary, and like I listen to [i]Metal[/i], but if you really knew me, you'd know i'm very huggable.
[/QUOTE]
I can empathise with this.
If you knew me then you would know that i knew what you did last summer.
I love to cuddle.
If you knew me, you'd know how twisted I really felt about myself.
If you knew me, you would know how depressed I really am.
If you really knew me, you'd know the pain I felt from losing my brother to an alchohol addiction...
When I was a young teen, I was really nerdy, had no friends, was really awkward around girls, and spent most of my time reading. I thought I was pretty normal until I realized that people were having sex around me, and I hadn't even ever considered talking to a girl. This made me miserable. Even today I am pretty awkward and have a tendency to pronounce words in the way that I read them (which gets me made fun of a lot).
I read a lot of philosophy, some of it Nietzsche, and I read a lot of stuff on the internet. Unlike many people there, who came to the conclusion that they were misunderstood ubermen, I came to the conclusion that I was social surplus who deserved to die. On one hand this meant that I was worth nothing, on the other hand, it meant that I was free from morality. I was worth nothing, I was subhuman, so moral codes couldn't mean anything to me. I could lie, cheat, do drugs, and steal with complete freedom, and I'd let the real people kill me whenever they wanted to. I was (am) a rat with a human face.
My parents came from a particularly overpopulated 3rd world country. My father worked hard enough as an investment banker that we could visit every summer for several months. I had an extensive family, but most of them couldn't afford to go back at the same time, and over my childhood, most of them emigrated to the west for college.
I'd spend my summers alone, save for one person my age. My cousin Maria (I've neglected to mention what country I'm from because it would be too much personal information, but suffice to say her name isn't Maria) was the only person my age who was ever there at the same time. Our mothers were extremely close; they shared a pool of names for their children. Maria was half white, half [my ethnicity]. We don't really look anything alike at all. She was also the only girl my age that I really had interaction with all through my childhood.
At age 15, I was 5' 9" and 235 pounds and couldn't talk at length about anything but anime and heavy metal. Looking around at the few friends I had (I was on my way to falling into a morally questionable group of friends, my closest friend in high school went to cocaine rehab for all of 8th grade, and my other closest friend went to rehab for dealing weed in 10th grade), I realized that I was lame and fat, and that no one wanted to talk to me. So I decided to change who I was completely. I became anorexic and overexercised, started smoking cigarettes like Belmondo, and did as many drugs as I could get my hands on (which wasn't much to be honest). I became obsessed with getting fucked up, and even when I wasn't actively getting fucked up, or couldn't, I would read drug reports on the internet.
That next summer, me and Maria developed a relationship. I had stolen several random painkillers and Valium from my aunt's house, and we were chillin, and I told her that I really enjoyed getting fucked up. We did some together, went upstairs alone, and hung out for a while. I was on the chair, looking upward, and she was on the bed. She got up from the bed and straddled me on the chair. She started getting close to me, and I rebuffed her. Our lips brushed through the thin red veil she had on her face. It was the closest to a kiss from a girl that I'd felt. It was the only interest that any girl my age had ever shown to me. I told her to get off of me and we went back downstairs.
We didn't see each other for several days. I reminded myself that she was my cousin and this wasn't right this was incest. This wasn't just something wrong, this was something taboo, it went against the whole concept of family, the whole system of the world. I didn't care, I was (am) subhuman, the rules didn't apply to me I was beneath them. She called me on the phone the next day. We talked from 10 AM to 11 PM. It was exhilarating. I'd never held a conversation that long with anyone.
Maria was really, really hot, too for her age. This is not a subjective measure, she is legitimately really, really hot.
I still remember the first time I kissed her. She was wearing a red v neck tshirt, tight and blue jeans. Her hair was brown. I'd brought her a punk rock mixtape (Minor Threat, Dead Kennedys, Choking Victim, etc all the components of a balanced and nutritious breakfast) and a book that I'd finished (Heart of Darkness).
One side note, at this time in this country, there really wasn't any telecommunications infrastructure and we weren't allowed to leave the house, even accompanied. To entertain ourselves we had whatever we could bring in a carry on, 5 year old television, and 56k internet. Due to frequent power outages, we didn't even have those options for most of the day. It was dense, humid tropical summer, with no A/C or entertainment, and we were rich, bored spoiled kids.
We were looking up something on the internet when she turned around. Her face was flushed. She looked me dead in the eye. I decided in a second that I didn't give a fuck and kissed her. And kissed her some more. Kissed her all summer. We stole painkillers and my dad's ambien, talked on the phone for days straight, made out whenever we could. We traumatized her younger sister, shook the trust of our parents, created tension and messed ourselves up (her more than me).
We left the old country madly infatuated with each other, but in real life I lived in New York and she lived in London. Of course we were still barely teens, and lost interest in each other after a few months. We still kept in contact over facebook and using phone cards, every once in a while, but she got back together with her boyfriend and I went out with someone else.
The summer before I went to college, my father asked me if, as a graduation present, I wanted to go to London and Stockholm for almost 2 weeks with him. While we worked all day, he'd let me go around the city and do whatever I wanted.
I met up with Maria several days into the trip. We hung out, pretended that we were just cousins. I smoked some weed with her and her boyfriend and then chilled at her house. On the last day, they invited my dad and I for dinner. Me and Maria ended up in a room together. She asked me why I looked miserable. I kissed her. We fell back on the bed together. She asked me to stop because her mom might come in. I stopped. I left for New York at midnight that night.
That summer I worked at an NGO and helped set up my cousins wedding. This took over most of my time. Maria was only there for two weeks. Maria and I texted a lot but met face to face only once. We had lunch for about two hours.
I am now in college. I am dating one of my closest friends from high school. She's fascinating and I do love her, I think but she has her own issues.
She's fascinating and she loves me. Her father was the runaway scion of a traditional Korean family and her mother was a schoolteacher. They ran away to America together, but her grandmother pretended to have cancer so that they'd come back. Due to the arcane rules of succession in old Korean families, she became the political head of her family at age 7.
She's amazingly caring about me, knows me better, often than I know myself, but she's an intense hobbesian and she has a phobia of sex.
Her intense hobbesianism makes me feel miserable because I do not work to the best of my abilities, or even care what I do with my life. I feel guilty about talking to her because most of the time on weekends I'm on fucked up, and she hates hearing about me getting fucked up.
Her sexual phobia means that we've only had a handful of sexual experiences in our 6 months of dating, maybe less, depending on what you count as sexual. As our relationship gets longer, I feel worse and worse and more attracted to other people. I've kept myself from getting into sexual situations thus far, but its taken self control to say the least.
I know she cares about me a lot, and that if I was a better person she'd be the most wonderful girlfriend, but I am not a better person. I am subhuman.
Maria's life has been getting worse. She's become extremely anorexic, fucks her boyfriends friends, and does a lot of drugs. Her parents caught her 2 weeks ago topless with her boyfriends best friend, high off her ass. After finding more drugs in her room, they decided to pull her out of school and send her to day rehab.
She also tried to commit suicide by consuming mephedrone, alcohol, and massive amounts of tylenol. She failed.
She asked to talk to me over skype a month ago. We ended up talking for hours about our old topics, drugs and sex. We talked several times more over the course of the month at length. I figured we'd repaired our relationship to one degree or another.
Yesterday, we talked for 6 hours. We started talking about old times, when she mentioned that she'd gotten much more skilled since before (Maria, btw, has extremely low self esteem in everything but her sexual and seductive capabilities, which really sucks). She mentioned that her boyfriend was so frigid that he wouldn't let her give him a blowjob, even when she was crying and begging him.
She put on some Portishead and started bobbing around. After a few minutes, she started all out cam dancing at me. It was really hot. I hadn't had anyone do anything sexual at me for over a year. After a few hours of teasing and talking, over the course of which I broke down and admitted that I'd fuck the shit out of her if she wasn't my cousin, she danced for me with her shirt off.
I am loyal to my girlfriend, she's done a lot for me and I (think I) love her. Im even trying to be a moral person with a moral code and a sense of self restraint for a while. On the other hand, sex, and the fact that I'm still really amoral inside.
All of this talk of limits and such, and this healthy lifestyle bores me. I dont get fucked up anymore, when I drink i drink only a little, when I smoke I smoke at most a spliff, and for a while I quit smoking. It bores me so much, even though its the right thing. All my life I've believed that the right people, the good people, are the ones who are self controlled, and self-sacrifice to attain good goals, like raising a family or helping the poor, or in general doing well. Part of morality is hard work.
However, I don't believe it for myself. I go through the motions, quit all that stuff, try to work hard, and it just bores the hell out of me. I feel so old and so fake when I do that. I don't believe any of it, I'm just doing it because my girlfriend likes it.
On the other hand, sex. I probably won't have sex with Maria, I probably won't even see her for most of the summer, but she reminds me that I'm subhuman, that I don't give a fuck about rules. Not just laws, rules, taboos, anything. If she throws me a bone, then ill take it. If she gives me an opening ill jump right in.
What do I do? Do I try to once again instill and inculcate myself with a sense of morality and decency, and try to remind myself that my actions have consequences? Do I go for it? Do I tell my girlfriend? How does one become a good person anyway? What separates parroting morals when convenient and truly believing in morals?
tl;dr I wanna fuck the shit out of my cousin. Should I?
If you really knew me, you would know I am depressed and while a smile on the outside I feel like a complete failure on the inside.
This TV Show is SO stupid.
If you really knew me you would know that if I ever made a show like this, I would get all those emo kids into the school gym lock the doors and release thousands of ravenous cobras into the room.
If you knew me, you would know that who i am during the week is completely different to who i am on the weekend due to the concentration medication I'm on.. You would also prefer during the week me, because while on the weekends i might be a lot more fun, but I'm also an alcoholic.
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