[QUOTE=TamTamJam;46597987]Yep never taken drugs without knowing it except when on benzos. Take 3 Xanax and by the time I wake up in the morning everything else I got is gone. Did I hide it on myself? Sell it? Take it? Probably all three at some point. Alprazolam would be perfect except for the fact it basically causes amnesia.[/QUOTE]
I take ambien to sleep and I basically forget everything I text to people the hour before I fall asleep.
[QUOTE=TheDivinity;46594317]Anyone dealt with depersonalization here?
Kind of made me question myself for months, and I had to quit doing everything.[/QUOTE]
t break
now
depersonalisation led to depressive moods and shit for me
doing bumps of ambien, only 10mg so I don't go into delirium. ambien is pretty shitty when compared to real benzos but its alright when its all you got.
Had a Danksgiving celebration with some friends, it was dank
[editline]29th November 2014[/editline]
If I flip one of my vape stems upside down it works surprisingly well as a one-hitter
[QUOTE=geogzm;46598639]t break
now
depersonalisation led to depressive moods and shit for me[/QUOTE]
yeah, depersonalisation is the worst shit, I had it for a while and it sucked balls
So a quick list of things im gonna try and overcome at the moment to do myself a favor
Porn and masturbation addiction - yes, seriously. This is the primary culprit for my temptation towards medication abuse and i didnt get outta control with my dosing patterns until the two clashed. At first, i was basically not masturbating at all while medicated for a good month or so then it went down hill from there when i gave into it; now im stuck with that conditioned response of meds + porn = focused wanks that i just waste all my time on when i could and should be doing other things
Cigarette addiction - this one seems to be a bit more tricky, but i feel it somewhat fuels the desire for extra stimulatory states of mind as well as breaking my focused states through stress and desire to alleviate it
Caffeine - not as big of an issue, but it makes my medication feel less effective in favor of providing me more energy, once again stimulatory, its a concern though because in making my medication feel less effective, i feel the desire to redose sooner than i should
Sleeping pattern - having shit sleep fuels the desire to wake up as quickly as possible and get things going, leads to me wanting my meds to kick in faster and drinking coffee more, which also in turn fucks my sleeping pattern
Eating habits - ive been leaning more and more towards healthy food as of late, but im not really eating enough which makes me feel shitter and also fuels the desire of 'i want to feel better' which gets puts those other things on my mind, followed by further surpressed appetite and unhealthy eating habits
Decision making,the one that will sort me out with the lot of them. Progressively improving as i learn to really listen to myself and do whats right for me
And time wasted on the computer, whether or not im watching porn this is where most of my focus ends up going. Ive been heavily habituated to screens from a very young age so im not sure if i could even go a day without, the idea of that kinda scares me...
These are things i keep telling myself i need to get ontop of because theyre only setting me back and making me feel shit about myself, problem is in seeing them all at once its very hard to tackle even one of them. The porn one, is in my opinion the easiest to stave off but the hardest to rid myself of because even if i go a few days, or more, i give in and its straight back to full fledged. I think caffeine is probably easy to tackle is i start getting enough sleep, but garnering the willpower to finally get ontop of them and stay ontop of them is the final push i need i think and i cant help but feel i should do that by tackling cigarettes first and foremost. No cigarettes means less focus breaks out of stress and feeling a lot better about myself over all, which should help my medication run its course without thinking its suddenly not effective because of the extra stimulatory input, its also the one that takes seemimgly the most willpower as its the most compulsive whether im medicated or not, i figure i break the cycle and get away from them, and then the rest will be a breeze
My patience seems to have fallen a bit, and i feel its due to a combination of these un-needed stimuli tricking my mind through desire and temptation. Im seeing it more and more clearly that they are pretty much no good too me especially in their current forms of habituation, set backs that feel good temporarily but make me feel shit about myself
The added part about them making me feel shit about myself also very likely fuels them in sense because i know theyll make me feel better temporarily, but i need to ignore that and focus on the long term.
Ive gotten in control of my money spending, my temptation to go party and run a muk is at an all time low, no longer binge drinking or really drinking regularly
Its tricky because i feel like im lying to myself when i struggle to stay on top, which also adds fuel to the fire in a sense
The medication abuse thing, could also be a result of me feeling its not effective or really working but these things all break the realized effectiveness because i get caught up either watching porn and wasting my doses, smoking cigarettes and breaking my focus/feeling stressed out etc, or drinking coffee thinking itll make me feel more up to doing things when really it just scatters my functionality in favor of energy boosts
And of course, i end up wasting a lot of my functionality at the computer as a result of all that
Sorry for long winded post, but im just exploring my state of mind and aspects i feel i should finally change in order to set myself straight
So i am starting by not smoking cigarettes as of now. Its gonna suck a bit but will be worth it, tonight im going to a party with some mates so i can feel a bit better about myself tomorrow as i havent socialized in a while. and hopefully if i keep it up i should start to reap the rewards relatively soon, better to realize it now than never by willingly facing the difficulties and getting past it
happy b-day /b/rother! :v:
gonna smoke one for ya later
[QUOTE=Animoz;46599571]happy b-day /b/rother! :v:
gonna smoke one for ya later[/QUOTE]
i'll do the same
happy birthday
Happy birthday brando!
my rolls actually look like shit buy they smoke so much better than the ones my mates roll its unreal and i cant be asked with getting kings so i just do a baby l patch with them lol
thank you guys! :smile:
[editline]29th November 2014[/editline]
[QUOTE=Animoz;46599571]happy b-day /b/rother! :v:
gonna smoke one for ya later[/QUOTE]
you're welcome to come by tonight, if you don't have any plans. we gonna get zonked!
My stalkercop is from Ireland and works for ITV, the mystery continues.
I'm planning to go pick up some bud today. I had taken a 5 month long T-Break to save some money and build up the magic of it again. I picked up a few weeks ago and it was amazing how just a small bowl rocketed me into outer space. An eighth lasted me like three weeks, which was awesome considering I'd smoke through an eighth in a week.
The only thing I'm anxious about is I left my awesome glass Medicali bong and accoutrements with a girl I had previously been seeing; we didn't split on bad terms or anything, but I just wanted to focus on myself for a little while. Needless to say, I want my sweet piece back :(
Smoke her out
I feel as if I have the perfect stoner job. I just sit behind a desk and play Counter-Strike for 8 hours. Maybe some Netflix or C&C:Generals:Zero Hour
Be a security guard. Get paid to do nothing.
I really like this girl but her dad is having none of it. Like seriously he's threatened to call the police on me for being a non-profit middleman for a small amount of pot. He tried telling me that he knows all about drug addicts and how the work, and that he wouldn't hesitate asking some old friends for a favor (threatening?). He's crazy but his daughter is perfect
Smoke him out
[QUOTE=mrmr;46600277]Smoke him out[/QUOTE]
This.
No but seriously why does he even know? Just be like "Yeah I stopped that"
he'd probably drug test me
I walked out on the beach and watched the sunrise this morning, then finally fell asleep till 9 at night.
In other news, Happy birthday /B/rother!
[editline]30th November 2014[/editline]
[QUOTE=cody8295;46600347]he'd probably drug test me[/QUOTE]
man he sounds like a real dick
uh tell him to fuck off? thats pretty unreasonable
Using this tiny pipe is reminding me of how much less of a body high you get from vaping
i need to start vaping dude, i wonder how much i could get a decent herb vape for
acid > 2cb
oh shit you like Culture Shock, right on
I only have a handful of his tracks, I need to look more into him.
I always do that; get a few songs from an artist that are really good but then never look for anything else.
dmt arrived today B)
well jell
film yourself taking it
Man DMT is amazing; if you've never tried it before then I must say you are in for an experience. If you've done it before, then cheers mate. I loved that stuff; if I were any good at animating I would totally recreate the memory because I remember every second of it.
Think of it this way, the experiences of DMT were more profound than many previous memories.
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