• The Addicts' Lounge VI. You Know It's Dank
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[QUOTE=Consciousness;45823204]Snapchatting fp DD'rs Add me on snapchat for dickpics(but not really I just like snapchatting) petebound Feel free to not but ye. [editline]28th August 2014[/editline] Hope it works out for ya man, its a bitch of a situation so youre not being a bitch by venting your frustration, better here where alot of us can relate to those states of mind etc. Mary jane is ok at masking that loneliness and frustration but I know the feeling of that last statement all too well. Hang in there and try to enjoy the time you have left there, dont shut yourself off from the outside world over this, smoke a jay and go for a walk, take in the sights, culture, explore what your surroundings have to offer; make some memories if you havent yet of purely self enjoyment. Try taking some good photos as a means of getting your mind off things for now if you havent done so yet and you'll also thank yourself later when you have them to look back on. Doing nothing and toking it away might just make the situation feel more dire for a variety of reasons, but either way if theres nothing you can do about it right this moment, make the most of this moment by diverting your attention and energy to something else for now. but I do fully understand if you feel completely unmotivated to do much of anything over this all, just throwing some good will your way. Stay strong buddy, sucks to hear you arent having a good time(its difficult especially on your own and when things dont go as anticipated) but we're here for ya either way. [editline]28th August 2014[/editline] Im gonna have a quick vent moment. I want to keep up with the things I set out to do as much as possible, but the environment at home is literally that heated and stressed its killing my drive and desire to do much of anything. I need to move away from this bullshit and find space to myself where I can keep a clear head without that sort of negative atmosphere dragging me down all the fucking time Jesus christ ive tried talking to them, ive tried defusing shit, it never works, my mum has gone full dictator life control mode on every little thing and its non stop ranting, yelling and emotional verbal abuse. Im not even the one copping the flak directly and its having a severe impact on me. Yet if we try to tell her to calm down and stop being so over the top we're the ones in the wrong. It leads me to isolating myself just hoping, waiting, for a clear moment so I can recuperate my mental flow into something that works and I nearly managed to do just that.. only for it to start right back up again. Jesus fucking christ its like a mental prison, I dont blame my dad for trying to get away from things and drinking and shit even though he shouldn't (it perpetuates the loop, but he's probably just trying to find his own happiness in himself) I need a drink....[/QUOTE] Thank you man a lot, I really appreciate it. She's gonna for sure come tomorrow so maybe I overreacted a bit but I was so frustrated. Feels a lot better knowing tomorrow for sure she's coming and gonna stay up with me all night, cuddle, have sex and maybe have her smoke a little with me. Thank you again for saying what you did, made me realize how right you are. In Monterey bay right now having a pretty good time, excited for tomorrow :) [editline]28th August 2014[/editline] And plus she's gonna have a car so we can do what we want after family plans.
snap
Gonna take pictures of us together too, I can probably post one unless you guys don't give two shits :p just such a huge moment for me you guys.
Fucking depression is coming around again. I hate feeling like this, its like a few weeks of feeling like shit then a couple of good weeks, then repeat. I try my best to keep my mind occupied and shit, try and keep myself away from the shitty thought loops but when it lingers this long its just taxing. I probably deleted this post 3 times thinking 'why would i bother DD with this' but it made me think how that's the problem, how I bottle this shit up, not telling anybody, perpetuating the feeling of hopelessness, loneliness, and uselessness. I just don't want to bother anyone with this shit you know, don't want them to worry, don't want them to look at me and be like 'oh hes acting like that cause hes depressed' and its like I don't want my outside perceptions to change but I still want the help and shit. Fuck mental illness shits like a fucking prison in the most sacred and dear part of your life, your thoughts.
[QUOTE=Cpn Crunch21;45830384]Fucking depression is coming around again. I hate feeling like this, its like a few weeks of feeling like shit then a couple of good weeks, then repeat. I try my best to keep my mind occupied and shit, try and keep myself away from the shitty thought loops but when it lingers this long its just taxing. I probably deleted this post 3 times thinking 'why would i bother DD with this' but it made me think how that's the problem, how I bottle this shit up, not telling anybody, perpetuating the feeling of hopelessness, loneliness, and uselessness. I just don't want to bother anyone with this shit you know, don't want them to worry, don't want them to look at me and be like 'oh hes acting like that cause hes depressed' and its like I don't want my outside perceptions to change but I still want the help and shit. Fuck mental illness shits like a fucking prison in the most sacred and dear part of your life, your thoughts.[/QUOTE] I'm the same way. You aren't alone man.
bruuuuuuh i'm going to college
[QUOTE=Cpn Crunch21;45830384] Fuck mental illness shits like a fucking prison in the most sacred and dear part of your life, your thoughts. [/QUOTE] i'm "mentally ill" (fancy, less shameful term for suicidal in my case) and i understand exactly what you mean. everyone keeps saying to me "i'm going to help you get better blabla eventually you'll be happy blabla you'll love your life in the future" and i'm always like sorry but this isn't the future, this is the present and the present is painful. it's gotten to the point where i don't [I]want[/I] help. i don't [I]want[/I] to get better. i honestly don't care to because i see no real reason to. it's not about me being heartbroken, it's not about me being unhappy, it's about me simply not wanting to be alive and nobody seems to get that. it's not that i don't want to be miserable, it's that [I]i don't want life[/I], i don't [I]care[/I] if one day things will be less-than-terrible because, regardless of whether or not i have hope for that happening (i don't), it just doesn't phase me. the only reason i'm still alive is because apparently my death would hurt people, which means i'm stuck with a life of suffering that i don't want because i don't want to make things hard for other people. it's my life, it should be my choice, i should have the right to end it if i wish and while i understand why people are trying to keep me from doing it i really wish they wouldn't. i genuinely find myself hoping that i'll get a terminal disease or i'll have a fatal accident or something, that way people will just think "oh what a tragedy" and even though they'll be upset it'll be much easier for them to move on, they'd have no idea that that fate would be exactly what i wanted. people shrug off accidents, nobody forgets suicide. i just want to be forgotten.
I am so high its almost uncomfortable someone please hold me
Ive been so depressed since my friends have left for school, im not even starting school till the end of January :/ god i wish i went away to school.
[QUOTE=jonnymad;45830645]I am so high its almost uncomfortable someone please hold me[/QUOTE] Explore your mind
[QUOTE=Creid;45830704]Explore your mind[/QUOTE] Explore me bby
[QUOTE=jonnymad;45830721]Explore me bby[/QUOTE] ~~~~~~~~~
I know I'm not alone and what not but I guess it's kinda like what TCB said, if you are in that mindset of 'life is painful, the present sucks and in the end thats kinda all that matters ya know' because it is, I guess I'm luckier than TCB and others in the sense that I have my highs and lows but that low mentality really is devastating and just takes a toll. Some people just don't get that (the feeling about life n shit) almost in the same way I don't get how people don't feel my way (not anxious or depressed) considering my perspective and reaction to certain stressors. Ugh, well I had a bowl, I'm feeling better than before but all I can say is I hope I get better because I rather just be able to live without this thing on my back. And I hope the best to you guys to.
i know it sounds cliche but i really wish i wasn't born in the first place. would save everyone a lot of bother.
[QUOTE=TCB;45830811]i know it sounds cliche but i really wish i wasn't born in the first place. would save everyone a lot of bother.[/QUOTE] Naw duud you're a nice guy and I like you. That's not even the durgs talking either
I keep having weird drug dreams Had one where methylphenidate and amphetamine were seen as winged angels of sorts (wat) Had one where alcohol was a demon that dragged me into an alternative reality where my dad never existed in the first place(doublr wat) fuckin drugs man. TCB, I wont try to force help on you, but just let it be known I and the many other facepunch DD'ers have always enjoyed your presence here, we do love having you around and I apologize if any of our reach out efforts come across as pushy or offensive, but its because youre not alone in having these sort of thoughts. A lot of us have had some pretty severe times with life, and im sure most of us have turned to drugs as a means of coping. Mental illness is a right and proper bitch and its difficult to communicate about it without people trying to drag you out of your states with what worked for them, but understandably it's likely not what will work for you. Ill drop some relation in the next para, skip it if you dont want to hear it My mental illness is a different story entirely but I know the sort of nuisance that kind of thing can cause, but ive jad comorbid borderline suicidal depression and severe anxiety along side along the way, In the end, I hung in or the same reasons as yourself, not wanting to let other people down. im glad I did in the end despite having times of thinking things will never be good and for prolonged periods at that. I truly hated life with a vindictive passion but ive come to the conclusion that if no one makes it out alive, I might as well take it upon myself to shape my individual story while I can, simply for the sake of it. I dont fear death, I readily await the day, I fear not realizing what could be yet to come for me before I make my leave
see, that actually helps. people saying "you'll be happy one day!!" [I]doesn't[/I] help, i'm not sure why what you said has struck me so much, i think it's because i'm like the textbook definition of self-loathing. it's hard to explain. maybe it's because it's from people on the internet rather than my real life friends so i don't feel like there's an obligation to have interest in me, i don't know. i can't even explain why i hate myself so much. i never really expect people to enjoy having me around, i don't know if it's insecurity or something but i've always felt insignificant. so thank you, it means a lot to know that even people on a forum might miss me, as strange as it sounds <3 [editline]29th August 2014[/editline] maybe i should do something about my self-worth. it's like, i [I]despise[/I] myself, i'm always putting myself down, despite being aware of my qualities. i can't word that without sounding arrogant (it should be obvious that i'm far from self-centered tho). when i was sat atop some cliffs back in april, about an hour away from suicide, my mum called me and said shit like "you've got so much going for you blabla" and it didn't motivate me or anything, it didn't make me think "i have a good successful life ahead of me" it made me think "i seem good now but it wouldn't be hard to find someone better". like, my qualities aren't important at all. what difference can they make? okay, i'm apparently good at producing music. big deal, so are lots of people, it's not as if it'll ever take me anywhere. my friends say i'm a good poet; i'm glad they like what i write but i don't, i think it sucks and i don't know why they make a big deal out of it, i certainly wouldn't call myself a poet. in fact, that's pretty much all of my qualities. i did really well in my exams but that's school shit, i don't care if i'm good at that, who the fuck says "no i can't kill myself i'm good at history!!" i'm not even going to read through this. i haven't got a clue what i'm saying, but it's probably good for me to say it. [editline]29th August 2014[/editline] sorry if none of that made any sense i'm so tired
a few years back I was diagnosed as bi-polar after I crushed a powered lightbulb in my hand, meds help me a lot with the whole not killing myself thing. Fuck I miss boston tho Shit I don't think I am ready for this, but no going back now. I wish I had just gone to mcgill fuck
[I]little bustas ain't no dolla makas think they got what it takes to be me i shoot up cat piss cuz it makes me feel good i just got a new pad and a patio, in the same hood i build sheds in my backyard, cuz i got nothin' better to do i use those sheds to grow a tobacco operation, it's huge i use that tobacco to make my own unfiltered death smokes i sell those death smokes on the corner to make a quick profit yo i take some of that profits and buy some dank ass dro smoke a phat bowl of that dro right to my face 'n dome roll the other profits on down the street in my brand new cadallic when i see this busta on my corner i stop and i'm like "bitch, what the fuck are you doin' on my corner in my street?" and he's all like "yo man i got these bomb ass smokes, you wanna try some drags?" i'm like, "mothafucka you think you can push that shit on my streets without cutting me in or me knowin'?" who the fuck do you think you are you busta ass bitch? and he's all like "hey man eat a dick, i'm just tryin' to-" man i didn't even let that bitch finish i just started feedin' left hooks and rights got him on the ground and kicked him 'til he was like "okay okay okay man i'm sorry, i'll leave man, jeez" damn straight you little bitch as he got up he asks "you really think you're king?" i sharply laughed, "king? why be a king, when you can be a god..." then i threw him a pack of death smokes and left a little bitch like that ain't worth my time or my tech-9, i keep that shit under my bed in the middle drawer next to my gi joes the point is you can't trump me i am the lyrical prodigy the new master race all hail to my new regime smoke trees[/I]
fire
I guess the school year started here. But not as interesting as when I was first starting college last year. Everything just seems more of the same, video games, drugs, socializing. Really unpredictable what I'll actually enjoy. Might try acid in a few days.
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[media]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NBwC7Qzljso[/media]
[QUOTE=dr.bean;45832169]Took some benadryl, in a bit I'm gonna take 60 mgs hydro, smoke a few hits and look around for a halfie cause opiates plus nicotine equals mmmm[/QUOTE] how much benadryl?
Dabs and The Last of Us is a scary combo
[QUOTE=ZenX2;45832420]Dabs and The Last of Us is a scary combo[/QUOTE] JESUS JOEL!
lmao, I was in my garage with the side door open and heard my neighbor talking, sounded like he was addressing me. He was saying to come over and smoke and I say to him "oh shit dude, I just packed my bong" but he was on the phone. I don't think he even heard me
damn i'm high as hell right now, went to plug my headphones into my mp3 player but accidentally plugged them into my phone, which i thought had a broken headphone port. music autoplays on headphone plug in, and i'm just so happy right now [editline]28th August 2014[/editline] i don't want to touch it in case it is in the perfect one-time-only position
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[QUOTE=Lebowski;45827070][media]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fiwtDoxHT2Y[/media][/QUOTE] i've had this song stuck in my head for two, now going on three days im going nuts pls send help play this @ my funeral it would make a gr8 dirge
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