A story that won me a Creative Writing competition. - General

-snip-

''Moonshadow'' LAWL sounds like a bad name for a prostitute XD [editline]10:37PM[/editline] [QUOTE]You also appear to have stolen "Haven", "The Council" and the Character "Koboi" from Artemis Fowl. I'm pretty sure Elves and Demons are in Artemis Fowl too.[/QUOTE] Wow, now thats a set of books n_n

Perfect troll

"Haven"? Nice Artemis Fowl rape there. "Elves, demons... " Etc.

AF series has nothing to do with it. Other than a slight name-borrowing of 'Koboi'. Feedback, not Copywrite issues. A little name shouldn't spark a war. So don't like the words I used, don't post. Simple.

[QUOTE=Aedan1;22113328]AF series has nothing to do with it. Other than a slight name-borrowing of 'Koboi'. Feedback, not Copywrite issues. A little name shouldn't spark a war. So don't like the words I used, don't post. Simple.[/QUOTE] Winning doesn't mean anything really. It just proves how sad the competition was from the beginning. Most people are trying to give you constructive criticism and you keep going with that stupid attitude, your writing is awful. But the nice thing about this is if you pull your head out of yer arse you can get better at writing. As for the story, i didn't like it. It needs some work, but I'm not going to bother wasting my time giving you advice due to the fact people have already tried that and you just seem to respond with ignorance. This is the problem with writers who think they're good when they're really not, then to add to it they win a competition that fuels that ego even more. Don't let this be your downfall if you're really in to writing, you never stop learning tbh. You can always improve.

No, it you people not me. You all have a fit at me, not the story. Get with the program.

I read "Once upon a time," then i stopped. I am not even joking.

[QUOTE=Aedan1;22113328]So don't like the words I used, don't post. Simple.[/QUOTE] ... it's a thread about a short story and you're asking us not to post if we dislike the [I]words[/I] used in it? Haha oh wow wtf.

OP is somewhat clever/effective troll.

Look at his youtube account, OP is 12: [url]http://www.youtube.com/PrinceOfDarkness111[/url]

WHAT THE FUCK IS THISs Maybe you should listen to [url=http://www.facepunch.com/showpost.php?p=22030586&postcount=12]this post[/url] and you know actually read ALL of it

It is understandable that the OP won a competition with that if he is twelve. Most twelve year old's do think like that and therefore write like that. They get better at creating stories as they grow up and have to lie in the real world. :v:

you people are hopelessly gullible.

The the insightful dolt who randomly messaged me on YT must really find something to do in their (no)life, instead of wasting their time sending me crap. [QUOTE=~ZOMG;22147628]Look at his youtube account, OP is 12: [url]http://www.youtube.com/PrinceOfDarkness111[/url][/QUOTE] 12 year olds do not know Wiremod. [QUOTE=pognivet;22147267]OP is somewhat clever/effective troll.[/QUOTE] Says the guy who is banned, and fairly new.

[QUOTE=Aedan1;22158426]The the insightful dolt who randomly messaged me on YT must really find something to do in their (no)life, instead of wasting their time sending me crap. 12 year olds do not know Wiremod. Says the guy who is banned, and fairly new.[/QUOTE] haha wow Brilliant logic there.

[QUOTE=Aedan1;22158426]12 year olds do not know Wiremod.[/QUOTE] Or how to write, apparently.

Doy' I am typing. Writing is a drag.

Writing as in literary writing, not literally pen to paper you pedantic dolt.

Then elaborate. Assuming is such a drag.

I elaborated for a full two paragraphs on the last page. [QUOTE=ChestyMcGee;22082018]Okay I read a bit more and.. it's pretty terrible. You constantly confuse tenses, switching between past and present which ruins the flow of the story. Also, you fail to realise that good stories, even short stories, don't need 200 words of crappy, list-like backstory just to explain what's going on. The reader should be able to work things out from the narrative but more importantly from the way characters interact with each other. Stating "these two groups hate each other" just dumbs the story down and treats the reader like an idiot. It would be much more interesting to have the hate between the two groups shown somewhat discretely through dialogue. Characterisation and the relationships between characters should not be dictated to the reader, having them just assume that the narration is entirely correct - it should be worked out by the reader over the course of the story. No connection with the characters can be created if the reader is just told "yeah they're best mates and have a bunch of history together". Your grammar is also poor. I can't understand how you don't know to start a new line for every new speaker... that's what you learn when you're eight years old. You also use words pretentiously and fuck it up, like your use of "mused" on the forth line of the story. As another grammatical point, you need to sort out your use of commas and full-stops in dialogue because it's all over the place. What the heck was this competition you won?[/QUOTE]

Gentlemen, we are being trolled, as has been pointed out several times beforehand. Because I'm a nice lad, with far too much time on my hands, I'm going to proof read your writing. This may or may not cause me to lose more than a couple thousand brain cells. But I think the end result will be worth it. Blocks of capitals and capitals in the middle of words are where I've corrected it. [quote=Revised copy by Lintz]The New World Introductions & A Twist THERE IS AN ALTERNATE REALITY, where beings such as Vampires, Werewolves, Demons and Elves exist under the noseS of humans IN A SECRET PLACE CALLED HAVEN. THIS IS where all these beings (other than Elves) meet to fight, pay debts AND other things. The leader of 'Haven' is called Moonshadow, RULING Haven with an iron fist and makING sure all goes well. VAMPIRES HERE ARE not the typical "prey in the dark, melt in the day" ONES, AS THESE CAN live for a long time, but CAN STILL die. THE Only ones thAT CAN not die are the leaders, WHO can go in the sunlight, but others cannot. Vampires are barren, except leaders who can have one child. They do not have fangs, instead they use kniVes or finger nails WITH WHICH THEY cut veins AND get blood. Some of them are strong, HOWEVER they are all fast. Their tears are MADE OF blood, THOUGH if they cry too much, they will not die of blood loss. When angered, their eyes turn red, but it is possible TO CONTROL IT. When with a partner, they gain fangs. Lycans (Werewolves) are able to control both human and werewolf form. Demons are much MORE different; they are mere shadows that can manipulate MENTAL, physical and emotional properties of living beings AND CAN also shape shift. Elves are almost human, THE only non-human properties are their ears, sense of hearing, eyesight, the ability to sense danger and their magic. OCCASIONALLY, THROUGH CROSSBREEDING, a HYBRID IS CREATED. These beings are unique and rare, only 5 exist IN THE SCOPE OF THE STORY, but only 1 will be WRITTEN ABOUT. In this case, our HybrId is part Elf, Human and Vampire. A brief description of our characters: Moonshadow: In human years, a mere teenager, BUT in Vampire years, almost 30 years OLD. A mastermind in a child’S body, LONG BLACK hair and IS strong enough to break bone with A SINGLE hit. Wolf: An adult werewolf. 20 years old, WITH short dark brown hair. James: The unique HybrId. A feeble teenager WITH GOLDEN BROWN HAIR looking for something 'unusual' to happen. To the story... The moon shimmered FAINTLY on the city of London below. Everyone WAS asleep, EXCEPT Moonshadow and her partner, Wolf. Though Werewolves and Vampires rarely get along, these 2 beings have learnED to accept one another. As they walked along, a man turnED out of an alley-way. "So nice of you to turn up." he saID, as cold as the night. "Show us this 'amulet' you have." Moonshadow said softly. "Straight to the point, I like that..." He replied, TURNING into a puff of black smoke; nothing more than a shadowy figure holding AN AMULET. "Ah, so it does exist... Here is your pay, take it and go." mused Moonshadow, taking the amulet and handing the demon an elixir. The demon grinned widely. "We'll be seeing each other soon." Then he vanished. "I do not like doing this in such a hazardous location." Wolf said, cautiously looking around. "You worry too much, friend. No demon is stupid enough to attack us, WHETHER ALONE or in pairs." Moonshadow said SERIOUSLY. "Ok, if you say so." THEY CONTINUED walking. ARRIVING at a tree in the middle of a meadow, THEY SPOKE WORDS OF A LANGUAGE UNKNOWN to humans. The moment Moonshadow finished, SHE and Wolf vanished with no more than a flash. THEY REAPPEARED IN Haven AND headED toWARDS a large building, AS they had to give this particular item to a friend of Wolf, WHO HAD needed this amulet for quite some time. Moonshadow and Wolf walkED up to the door and knockED. "Hello? Who's there?" Someone answered "We have your Amulet, open up." Moonshadow replied. The door opened and a man no taller than Wolf came out, a vampire. "Thank you, friend, this amulet is just what I’ve been looking for." The vampire saID. "No problem, we just had to make a deal with the devil." Wolf chuckled. Moonshadow was not pleased but pulled a false smile on anyway. "I shall see you later then." Moonshadow said to the vampire. "Very well." Werewolves dO not have much 'magic' BESIDES transforming to and from human and werewolf, so they CAN’T perform the teleportation SPELL TO GET FROM HAVEN TO EARTH. EVEN SO, MOST cannot control when they turn, EXCEPT Wolf. "I'M going home for A WHILE, you should rest up too, WOLF." Moonshadow noted before departing from Haven. "Yes... I am a bit tired." Wolf replied. A few hours later, Moonshadow’s phone vibrated, ACCOMPANYING a message – ‘Mission, meet at Sanctuary Square at 11pm’. It was from the Council (MOONSHADOW TAUGHT ONE OF THE MEMBERS HOW TO USE A PHONE). Moonshadow arrived IN SANTUARY SQUARE AT 11PM SHARP. The glass triangle in the middle of the courtyard was glowing brightly AND all the skyscrapers and apartments surrounding the courtyard had FEW OR NO lights on. ‘Another cold night...’ Moonshadow thought to herself. Then in an instant, 3 beings appeared. “Sorry for calling you so unexpectEDly, but we NEED YOU TO ASSASSINATE SOMEONE. Everyone we’ve sent so far ran off IN fear, or died trying.” The Council leader EXPLAINED. “Who AM I TO KILL?” Moonshadow asked cautiously. “A Demon CALLED Koboi. HE kills for his OWN amusement. His shadow is small and slim but has ENOUGH STRENGTH to pick UP a car. HE’S a Night Crawler AND dwells in the night GIVING HIS EYES A GREEN GLOW. THE LAST PERSON HE KILLED was the assassin WE sent. He enjoys killing these assassins but STILL wants to kill the Council Members. Moonshadow THOUGHT for second. “Ok, I will kill Koboi and anyone who stands in my way. Where can I find him?” She askED. “He’s in Haven, IN THE CELLAR OF THE DEMOLISHED BAR.” REPLIED THE COUNCIL LEADER. THE 3 COUNCIL MEMBERS DISAPPEARED IN A FLASH. Moonshadow RANG Wolf. “WOLF, we have business to attend to.” “Right, I’m on my way.” Wolf replIED. SHE COULD HEAR HIM GETTING READY IN THE BACKGROUND. Wolf and Moonshadow met at the tree in the meadow. “WHO’S THE TARGET?” Wolf ASKED ANXIOUSLY. “Koboi. We have to kill him.” Moonshadow replied. SHE GRABBED HIS SHOULDER AND THEY DISAPPEARED WITHOUT A SOUND. Koboi WAS SITTING IDLY in his cellar WHEN one of his lapdogs walkED up to him, bowING. “Sir, our informant tells us the Council has sent another Assassin, but th-” KOBOI CUT HIM OFF WITH MANIACAL LAUGHTER. “Excellent! THIS WAS STARTING TO GET BORING.” “BUT SIR, the assassin, it’s Moonshadow.” The vampire said, trembling. Koboi stopped laughing. ‘Moonshadow’ he thought to himself. “Very well. Get everyone down here. She is not to enter this building!” Koboi roared. When all of Koboi’s followers were present, he started to talk. “THE Council seems TO BE fed up with us killing off their ASSASSINS. Well, they’ve sent one of their own this time.” All the vampires were grinning and chuckling at the ideas they had in mind. Koboi had the biggest grin of them all. “The assassin they sent is Moonshadow.” THE VAMPIRES’ grins faded, STRUCK WITH FEAR. “No need to WORRY, we will get rid of her, as we did the OTHERS. Half of you SET UP AN AMBUSH. WAIT FOR HER TO ENTER HAVEN. THEN kill her, and anyone with her. The rest stay here.” THE VAMPIRES were hiding in bushes AND TREES, waiting for Moonshadow’s arrival. Moonshadow and Wolf walkED towards a map of Haven, looking for closed Pubs. They FOUND 2 places, ONE TO THE NORTH AND THE OTHER TO THE EAST. “We’ll check here first.” said Moonshadow, pointing at the closest one. THEY SET OFF AT A SPRINT, ARRIVING ALMOST INSTANTANEOUSLY. “Let’s do it.” Wolf said, turning into HIS werewolf FORM. Moonshadow pullED OUT HER INTRICATE BLADES, searching AROUND FOR A HIDDEN ENTRANCE. THERE WAS NOTHING. “Must be the other place.” Moonshadow said, disappointed. AS SHE TURNED, a shurikEn TOWARDS Moonshadow. PURPOSELY IGNORING THE POOR THROW, she THREW A dagger INTO A BUSH. WITH A LOUD THUP OF METAL AGAINST LEATHER, A VAMPIRE fell out of the bush with the dagger LODGED in his armour. “That’s one of Koboi’s followers. He must know we’re here.” Wolf OBSERVED. “That he does.” Moonshadow AGREED. “We HAVE TO hurry and get to the other pub AND TAKE DOWN KOBOI.” Wolf said, getting ready to RUN. “Ok. Let’s go.” THEY SPRINTED TOWARDS THE OTHER BAR. Only 10 minutes later, THEY WERE AMBUSHED BY FIVE OF KOBOI’S MEN. THEY MIGHT AS WELL HAVE BEEN PIECES OF PAPER AGAINST WOLF AND MOONSHADOW. “Moonshadow, these guys areN’T putting up much of a fight, perhaps IT’D BE BETTER not to enter?” Wolf said, KNOWING THAT nothing WOULD BE THIS EASY. “We have a golden opportunity to take Koboi out.” Moonshadow said, IGNORING WOLF’S WARNING AND jumping into the bar. All of a sudden, thirty vampires wearing Koboi’s insignia CAME OUT OF NOWHERE. MOONSHADOW SWORE. ‘I knew it was too EASY, why DIDN’T I listen to Wolf?’ She thought to herself. Wolf was dumbstruck for a moment. ‘Focus, Moonshadow is surrounded THIRTY TO ONE, THOSE AREN’T THE WORST ODDS WE’VE FACED.’ Wolf thought. STEALTHILY GOING AROUND, HE took 3 of the vampires down WITH A SINGLE POUNCE. THE REMAINING vampires FOCUSSED on Wolf, which was a big mistake. FREE TO MOVE AROUND, MOONSHADOW SPUN INTO THE CROWD, HER RAPIDLY SPINNING SWORDS CUTTING THROUGH SWATHES OF VAMPIRES. They fought their way through the REST OF THE crowd, RECEIVING little more than a few scratches and bruises. AFTER A FEW MINUTES OF FRANTIC FIGHTING, they reachED the cellar door. “You ready? He’s a Demon but they’re easy to kill if you have the right instrument.” Wolf adviseD Moonshadow. She winked, raising her blade. “Silver.” She said casually, and then kicked the door down. THE ROOM WAS EMPTY. “ProbABly another ambush, the only time he’s off his chair is when...” Moonshadow stopped talking, realising something important. “What? What’s he doing?” Wolf asked quickly. MOONSHADOW SWORE LOUDLY. “When he’s regenerating.” Moonshadow EXPLAINED coldly. “Come on, we’VE got to find him, he HAS TO BE here SOMEWHERE.” They HUNTED AROUND THE BAR FOR ANY SIGN OF KOBOI BUT THE BAR WAS EMPTY EXCEPT FOR THE BODIES OF THE VAMPIRES THEY HAD SLAIN, WHICH WERE ALREADY STARTING TO ROT. “Damn it! Where DID HE GET TO?” Wolf GROWLED, PUNCHING A WALL IN FRUSTRATION. “We’ll have to notify the Council. TELL THEM Koboi escaped.” Moonshadow GROANED. Moonshadow HAD never failED a mission. THIS ONE WOULD BE NO DIFFERENT. A MISSION IS NOT COMPLETE UNTIL ALL OBJECTIVES ARE COMPLETE. SHE WOULD HUNT KOBOI TO THE ENDS OF THE EARTH AND THE DEEPEST REACHES OF HAVEN UNTIL HE BREATHED NO MORE. [/quote] My brain hurts now.

If that were true i'd of been banned and this thread'd be locked by now, but you are obviously just saddowns because my story betters your intelligence, obviously because your head hurts. [highlight](User was banned for this post ("Trolling" - daijitsu))[/highlight]

People need to report stuff more so I see it. Can't read every thread all the time y'know.