• Depression, anxiety, suicidalism and similar disorders, issues and troubles V3 - Discussion, help an
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Imagine hating yourself so much That it's almost impossible to just be happy Because any time you try to be yourself You think everyone will hate you too. Feeling like you're never going to achieve Never attempting to even try Because you believe you're always going to fail. Wanting to do amazing things Far beyond your ability or possibility. Thinking that the gift of life is wasted on you Because everyone else seems so happy. Waiting for some thing to save you Because you have already given up.
[QUOTE=Memnoth;46951217]No you don't, I have been in suicidal depressions a large portion of my life because of Bipolar Disorder. What you're doing now is reaching out because you feel that you can't handle the situation you're currently in, and that's perfectly normal. Now you have taken the first step to sharing your situation, and an individual who openly shares that they're not okay doesn't really want to die since there would be no purpose in letting people know as it would make them interfere with your wish. Anyway, you are not alone, I'm eager to listen and offer information on what form of treatment and medication there is, depending on the problem. I'm extending my hand as a humble Buddhist, wanting to practice the concept of "the cessation of suffering".[/QUOTE] You're right, I don't really wanna die. I actually already am on medication for depression and stuff so I don't really need more treatment. I was feeling quite awful and I usually can vent in this place. I dunno, bein able to share the feelings in my head helps.
[QUOTE=HWECQI;46953395]You're right, I don't really wanna die. I actually already am on medication for depression and stuff so I don't really need more treatment. I was feeling quite awful and I usually can vent in this place. I dunno, bein able to share the feelings in my head helps.[/QUOTE] That's part of the treatment, I'm glad you feel that it helps.
I hate exam periods. They're a whole month long with nothing in sight but exams. I have these twice a year, with 6 exams in every period, so 12 exams a year. I'm always slightly depressed during these periods because I feel that no matter how much I read, it's never enough. I never did a good enough job. The thing is I don't really care about what grade I get, all I think about is passing. So prior entering the exam-room I always question 'did I read enough to pass? did I do a good or terrible job?' Results are always mixed. Sometimes you get lucky and other times you just happened to fail to see what was important and what wasn't.
I need to vent something as well, I've made 4 attempts at suicide in the last year. My parents are worried sick, I just can't deal with everything that's wrong with me, Asperger Syndrome, Bipolar Disorder, Atypical Depression, ADD, General Anxiety Disorder and Chronic delayed sleep phase syndrome. It's difficult to get a girlfriend because they all leave when they realize how unstable I am. I'm 24 years old and have never been in a relationship. I don't even know who my friends are anymore. I'm sitting here with a hospital ID-tag on my wrist because I haven't bothered to rip it off, I fell into a bipolar psychosis, and the first thing I did when I came home from the hospital was to take as much drugs as I could get a hold of. Drugs are the only thing that makes life bearable. I've tried so many medications through the years and I'm sick of the side-effects. How am I supposed to look at the future with optimism if I'm too messed up to live a normal life? Edit: You know what? I started talking to a friend who also happens to have Asperger Syndrome, and there's something soothing about talking to someone who isn't neurotypical and whose prefrontalcortex isn't too small. I feel better now. You lesser human beings can keep going and emotionally blow up for me seemingly arbitrary subjects. I'm just kidding, I love you all.
God damn I'm tired of my anxiety/depression/ptsd(I'd rather not mention my awful flashbacks/things i hear randomly when I'm sleeping) I keep having girls flirt with me and I just can't flirt back because of my anxiety When in a room full of people, I feel completely disconnected from myself its fucking awful I'm not a total outcast at least, I do have friends but jesus christ making new friends is a pain Music/videogames help deal with all this shit, but its really getting on my nerve I used to be social as fuck, its fucked up how much depression changes you
Thinking about taking my meds again and going back to therapy. The thing about my meds is that they never really worked so eventually I just forgot to take them. And with the therapy, I bitched a lot about it before, was that the person was in training who didnt help that much because she wasn't educated on issues with sexuality it seems.
Does anybody have any experience with counselling/therapy for Social Anxiety? I'm pretty severe and after living with it for most of my adult life I signed up for some help a week ago. My first appointment is two days from now. I have no idea what to expect or what sort of form it's likely to take. Does anyone have any relevant stories, advice or endorsements?
Alright, well, I don't know where to begin. I didn't want to come to this thread but I guess I'm just forcing myself to post this. [del]I'll try to keep this short and not go into too much unnecessary detail.[/del] okay FUCK it turned out long as shit anyway. I can never stop myself from explaining my thoughts as explicitly as possible. Really I suppose the last paragraph is the most important one anyway, so if it's too long at least read that. I guess I've had issues with depression for a long while now, maybe two or so years, I'm shitty with time so probably more. I have bouts of it, on and off, where I'll have a few days or weeks at a time just feeling generally down. Then on occasion it gets REALLY bad, where I go anywhere from a few days to a couple weeks of just complete depression; I have no hope, no happiness, I feel like a statue, not a day goes by where I don't think about dying. I can notice, if I haven't already, when I'm depressed because at night I tend to be unable to stop daydreaming, and when I'm depressed a lot of these daydreams will present me with a life or death situation in which I usually either die or almost die and end up in a situation that causes me to be even more depressed than I already am. Basically my mind is filled with my own death, everything wrong with my life, everything wrong with me, and I really just wish I could die. That's where I am right now, for the most part. The thing is, I'm really not wrong. Regardless whether or not I'm depressed, I can never deny the facts that cause me to be depressed. There are just times where it doesn't get to me as much. Where I am in life right now won't change regardless my disposition. My life is at a dead-end; I'm stuck with a shitty fast food job, I can't go to school, even if I COULD go to school I don't know what to go to school for, and my girlfriend lives in another city and I only get to see her once a month. There is literally nothing I can do with my life. Not only am I not good at anything, there is no career that I'm interested in. The most I could say is Game Design but I can't do that, I've already gotten into programming in high school and I wasn't all that great. Not to mention I really don't think I would want to make a career out of it. And again, even if I could find something I'm interested in (which I haven't in the last 2-3 years of searching), I have heavy doubts I could become good at it. My point is, no matter how optimistic and not-depressed I'm feeling I can always see the facts, and the facts are that my life cannot go anywhere from where it is now. I could list all my thoughts and other reasons for being depressed and hating myself/my life, but I don't think that's necessary. I don't honestly think anything or anyone could help me. I guess the reason I'm posting this is because it's getting bad, and it's hurting other parts of my life that are only going to make things worse. It's putting a lot of strain on my girlfriend, and I feel like if I continue to allow myself to sink further into this, she may not be able to put up with it anymore. I really don't think I could go on without her. And I start to feel very confused, because I'm wondering why I care? I feel like I WANT to not be able to go on, I think. Or really, I think I feel like I don't care if things get worse because they're already about as bad as it can get. Why should anything matter at all when I don't even have a future? I feel like nothing really does matter to that end, but even through that I don't want to lose her, if anything. So then I suppose I'm faced with an ultimatum; either I continue to sink into this darkness, lose her, and continue to lead a pointless existence until I'm put out of my misery, or, I crawl out of my hole, fix my depression (if I even can), and continue to lead a pointless existence until I'm put out of my misery. I might say the second option is obviously at least better, but then again, one perk to being depressed is that I just don't care. It'd be so much more exhausting fixing things, but really, she's worth that. But in the end it doesn't fix anything but how I feel. I will still have no future regardless. Along with that, I'm incredibly skeptical about the means by which I'd fix my depression. Therapy seems like it wouldn't help at all, not to mention how expensive and insanely awkward it would be, and medication is just off the table. I'm not taking pills. Those two are really the only options for fixing this though, I've got nothing else. I've always been really cynical about therapy, the idea of doing it just feels dumb and pointless. But then, I don't think that about other people, I mean, I can understand and see why others would go to therapy and I've never thought less of a person because they do that. I just think for me it'd be the stupidest thing, and I don't even know why but it makes me sort of angry to even consider it. In fact, I get angry at alot of those things, like the answers most people get about their depression annoy me, because it's always "no you're not useless you're special and great and you have a purpose dont think like that things will get better!!". Aside from that though, I really think it just wouldn't help me. How could it? How can paying a stranger to let me talk at them help me at all? And I always round back to the same question: What good will getting help even do in the end? I've reached a sort of logic loop that just lands me back where I started: depressed and negative. It's such a strange feeling, to literally feel as though your life is already over. I almost feel as though I'm terminally ill or something, like just nothing has any purpose anyway. Makes it a lot harder to motivate myself to do anything. Makes me wonder why I'd WANT to motivate myself to do anything. I guess I just need advice or something on what the hell I should even be doing at this point. I can't commit suicide or anything no matter how much I want to, and my life is pretty much fucked. I'm between a rock and a hard place. Do I go to therapy? I really don't want to. I just don't know what to do in general. TL;DR: Life is shit and don't know what to do. Read above sentence. I just need some guidance, or something. Everything is fucked.
I hope things get better for me soon
[QUOTE=riku2211;46958959]post[/QUOTE] it's important to remember that depression and all of its foul cousins are conditions that will eventually fade as long as you really want it gone! working in the fast food industry sounds incredibly boring and tiring mentally, and that opinion stretches to working in clothing stores, grocery, etc. when I picked my job, I didn't really have any interest in the work I was going to do, but it was varied, there were people I would work closely with daily and I would use my body a lot to lift heavy things, fix stuff, etc. the pay is absolutely garbage, but that's not really my main concern at the moment. I enjoy the job as I'm constantly in activity compared to sitting bored in a store for hours on end. when not doing anything, the mood is high in the group and we often strike entertaining conversations. I don't have any education at all and yet I easily got the job. maybe something like that would be for you? people also say that physical activity is the best medication against depression, and so far I have to agree. days where I work are the days I'm feeling awesome and happy with myself. I work as a general caretaker of the district where we're doing moving missions for furniture, empty cellars, paint walls, mow lawns, etc. there's a saying my dad told me while I was visiting him that said, "Life begins where your comfort zone ends", and I agree with that. I'm much happier with myself after I stopped worrying and just did, no matter how exhausting or dangerous whatever I might be doing was. no "but what if...", just do it. if it's for you, I don't know, but it has helped me a lot. don't be worried about not being able to become good at something! no one is good at something when they begin doing it. I've always thought instruments were impossible, but now I play guitar myself and it's super easy! [quote]no matter how optimistic and not-depressed I'm feeling I can always see the facts, and the facts are that my life cannot go anywhere from where it is now.[/quote] are you sure this isn't your depression talking? if I were to post this half a year ago, I'd have said the same thing. I was certain I'd never be able to find another girl (you know the story of me and my ex), that I was ugly and wasn't able to get anywhere in life due to no education or friends. now? I still don't have a whole lot of friends, but I have had sex with not only one, but several girls over a short span of time which has proved me so wrong. I don't think I'm ugly anymore and I think I kinda look good! I'm 100% sure that the social aspect will get there eventually once I'm more secure about myself, but until then I'll continue working on myself. I don't really have any future plans, but who cares? I'll take the days as they come instead of setting expectations already now for my next 10 years. there's a good saying for this too, "It's the journey that matters, not the destination". getting too fixated on the destination will turn your life into a really bad movie night where you skip everything but the beginning and the end of The Lord of The Rings trilogy it sounds like you need some time to work on yourself too, with what, I don't know, but I'm sure you do. in my case, my body has been a hot topic for my anxiety and self esteem issues so that's what I'm working on. it's important to love yourself before you love anyone else, be it a girlfriend or friends. if you're not able to live stable without someone on your side, don't they become more of a crutch than anything else? I know my ex became a crutch after a while. I couldn't stand on my own feet so I put my weight on her instead which led to our break up. I can understand your skepticism towards therapy, and you're right. too many people expect that going to therapy will magically fix them which is far from true. therapy is like venting here. it helps to put your thoughts out into words to get an overview of your issues so you can attack those issues. that's exactly what you're going to wind up doing in therapy sessions too, at least from my experience. I don't feel like I need it myself, but it's "forced" as I'm hospitalized. something that I'm sure will help is a combat plan. whenever I'm feeling really down, I usually vent here. by venting here, I type a lot and I get an overview of my issues. I remove all the excess fat and take the issues out of it and figure out ways to attack those issues so I can feel better about myself. of course it's not always easy to attack these issues, like my issues with the girl I posted about above, but it's a start.
was talking to my severely OCD friend last night and I was telling stories from my life and he told me some of the stuff I've dealt with sounds like textbook pure O. I'm probs gonna go talk to the doctor about it on Monday, see if it could be something or if it's just a baseless hypothesis. I'm already diagnosed Bi-Polar type 2, which I thought was the cause of a lot of my angst, but the way my OCD friend describes his OCD seems super typical of a lot of my breakdowns that I had as a teen.
[QUOTE]it's important to remember that depression and all of its foul cousins are conditions that will eventually fade as long as you really want it gone! working in the fast food industry sounds incredibly boring and tiring mentally, and that opinion stretches to working in clothing stores, grocery, etc.[/quote] Yeah it's incredibly boring and exhausting, especially where I am where we may not have any orders for an hour but then suddenly everyone comes at once. It's not only the work but the people, my managers are all lazy and don't seem to know how to do their jobs except for one. It's insanely taxing mentally, not really physically. It's an easy job, really easy, but it's by no means enjoyable. The only joy I get is working with a certain set of people and during slow times we can all hang out and chat. [quote] when I picked my job, I didn't really have any interest in the work I was going to do, but it was varied, there were people I would work closely with daily and I would use my body a lot to lift heavy things, fix stuff, etc. the pay is absolutely garbage, but that's not really my main concern at the moment. I enjoy the job as I'm constantly in activity compared to sitting bored in a store for hours on end. when not doing anything, the mood is high in the group and we often strike entertaining conversations. I don't have any education at all and yet I easily got the job. maybe something like that would be for you? people also say that physical activity is the best medication against depression, and so far I have to agree. days where I work are the days I'm feeling awesome and happy with myself. I work as a general caretaker of the district where we're doing moving missions for furniture, empty cellars, paint walls, mow lawns, etc. [/quote] That doesn't sound too bad, but I don't have anything like that available near me. All I've got are stores and fast food. The best job I could think of would be at a movie theater. [quote]there's a saying my dad told me while I was visiting him that said, "Life begins where your comfort zone ends", and I agree with that. I'm much happier with myself after I stopped worrying and just did, no matter how exhausting or dangerous whatever I might be doing was. no "but what if...", just do it. if it's for you, I don't know, but it has helped me a lot.[/quote] I do try to live that way, and stop worrying about time and whatnot, but what I've also learned is that when I take risks like that (Which I do almost every time I get the opportunity) that go out of my comfort zone or are just potentially going to be bad, it always ends up bad. It's incredibly rare that I end up having a good time. But I do, I do try to move out of my comfort zone when I can. I haven't really thought "but what if..." about anything in a long time. I guess it doesn't really help me. [quote] don't be worried about not being able to become good at something! no one is good at something when they begin doing it. I've always thought instruments were impossible, but now I play guitar myself and it's super easy![/quote] That's not exactly what I meant, of course I don't expect to be good at something immediately. But I've never gotten good at anything I've tried a long time to get good at. I took a guitar class for an entire semester of school, and I was still no good at playing Guitar. I tried through and after that to get good at playing guitar but I could never do it. All the sports I played in PE in High School, I mean, I know it's a short time and it's PE so it's not like I'm expecting much, but I didn't improve at any of those sports at all even if we spent more than a week on it. When I reached my junior year of High School I set myself up to take every computer class my school offered, and in all those classes I learned and practice some sort of coding. I was okay at it right off the bat once I understood everything, but I never really got great at it. I tried practicing outside of school too and I just couldn't do a lot of things I tried to do. I could not for the life of me create working gravity. I went back to it multiple times over the course of a couple years, and never managed to make it work. I guess I shouldn't be discouraged at that, but I really just don't feel like I was really any good. I even tried joining a club, the ONLY club I ever joined in my high school career, where we were to program a robot for some competition. I joined thinking, hey, I can program, why not try this out? When we started working though, I realized I had absolutely no idea what was going on. I couldn't contribute anything to them. It seems the highest level I can reach with anything is 'beginner'. Along with that I have a lot of trouble getting myself to actually practice things. When it came to guitar, I'd keep screwing up over and over and I couldn't keep doing it so I'd give up. When it came to programming, I did practice and try to learn, but I couldn't get much anywhere. [quote]are you sure this isn't your depression talking?[/quote] Yeah, actually. I can go any amount of time without being depressed and still be unable to solve these problems. I even became really inspired once, was as far from depressed as I've been in the last year, and even then, I couldn't do anything no matter how hard I tried or how optimistic I felt. Eventually that excitement faded and I fell back to being depressed again. I honestly, really don't think I can get past this point of my life. [quote]if I were to post this half a year ago, I'd have said the same thing. I was certain I'd never be able to find another girl (you know the story of me and my ex), that I was ugly and wasn't able to get anywhere in life due to no education or friends. now? I still don't have a whole lot of friends, but I have had sex with not only one, but several girls over a short span of time which has proved me so wrong. I don't think I'm ugly anymore and I think I kinda look good! I'm 100% sure that the social aspect will get there eventually once I'm more secure about myself, but until then I'll continue working on myself. I don't really have any future plans, but who cares? I'll take the days as they come instead of setting expectations already now for my next 10 years. there's a good saying for this too, "It's the journey that matters, not the destination". getting too fixated on the destination will turn your life into a really bad movie night where you skip everything but the beginning and the end of The Lord of The Rings trilogy[/quote] This helps a bit, honestly. It really vaguely helps. I mean, because you're right, I'm almost entirely fixed on my destination, but how can I not be? I want to have a family with my girlfriend, I want to have a life with her, and I'm just trying to figure out how to make that happen. It really can't happen if I have some crappy dead end job. How can I support a family or do any of the things I want to do without a career? So I'm focused on trying to make that happen. If I just take things a day at a time, yes, I'll be less stressed and maybe even less depressed, but what does that accomplish? The journey is about as bad as the destination if not worse in my case. That phrase has become relevant a lot in my life, and I agree with it, but I can't just keep barreling onward without watching where I'm going or thinking about where I want to end up. [quote]it sounds like you need some time to work on yourself too, with what, I don't know, but I'm sure you do. in my case, my body has been a hot topic for my anxiety and self esteem issues so that's what I'm working on. it's important to love yourself before you love anyone else, be it a girlfriend or friends. if you're not able to live stable without someone on your side, don't they become more of a crutch than anything else? I know my ex became a crutch after a while. I couldn't stand on my own feet so I put my weight on her instead which led to our break up.[/quote] I keep thinking about this and realizing how much I hate myself and that that's ultimately going to cause problems with my relationship, but I can't... fix this. I really cannot live happily or stably without someone by my side, I've always been really lonely and I always wanted to find someone like her, I've always hated being alone. If I was alone, I'd've been way worse than I am now a long time ago. Which I guess is a red flag, but like I said, I don't know how I could fix anything. I just hate myself. I really do, for so many reasons. And I can't fix any of them. I know because I've been trying for years to improve myself, to be someone I can like. I've gone up and down a little bit, but mostly I just end up where I started or worse. I've had all the same thoughts many times before and I've become optimistic and inspired to get rid of those thoughts many times before and I just can't change anything. I want to be better, if for nothing else then at least for her, but I just can't. I do use her as a crutch, sort of, but at the same time I avoid using her as a crutch as much as possible. So, I guess so much of the weight is still on my back that it's impossible for me to carry, and whatever weight I've put on her already has her at her limits. I don't know what to do. [quote]I can understand your skepticism towards therapy, and you're right. too many people expect that going to therapy will magically fix them which is far from true. therapy is like venting here. it helps to put your thoughts out into words to get an overview of your issues so you can attack those issues. that's exactly what you're going to wind up doing in therapy sessions too, at least from my experience. I don't feel like I need it myself, but it's "forced" as I'm hospitalized. something that I'm sure will help is a combat plan. whenever I'm feeling really down, I usually vent here. by venting here, I type a lot and I get an overview of my issues. I remove all the excess fat and take the issues out of it and figure out ways to attack those issues so I can feel better about myself. of course it's not always easy to attack these issues, like my issues with the girl I posted about above, but it's a start.[/QUOTE] I don't know, I have always been against it but always felt like I was going to end up in therapy anyway. My girlfriend wants me to see a professional. But I just don't see how it'd help. Honestly if I just vented here every time I felt depressed I'd be posting the same, self deprecative crap every time. I vent to her, as it is, though, so maybe that'd at least be better than putting it on her. But even so, I feel the need to share things with her more than anyone, and when I'm depressed I always want to tell her what I'm thinking. I just wish I had some sort of guidance here. Like I said, even if I just magically made all my depression go away, my life is still stuck. Good to hear you're doing well for yourself, though. Thanks for replying, man.
[quote]what I've also learned is that when I take risks like that (Which I do almost every time I get the opportunity) that go out of my comfort zone or are just potentially going to be bad, it always ends up bad. It's incredibly rare that I end up having a good time. But I do, I do try to move out of my comfort zone when I can. I haven't really thought "but what if..." about anything in a long time. I guess it doesn't really help me.[/quote] don't underestimate how much thoughts like these can affect both your performance and perception of things! I'm sure you've had cases where things went great, or at least acceptably okay. I wish I had some more input on your situation, but these things are complicated and we all tackle depression differently. I gave therapy some more thought and what it has done for me, and I think I might be giving it way too little credit. as of now, I don't think I need it as much as I do, but without it I would still be stuck in my room, perhaps even have committed suicide by this point, if it weren't for it. it definitely got me out of the mess I was in. it may or may not be of benefit to you, but I'd at least give it a shot before turning it down. a therapist can help you find work that suits you, discover your interests, and take you up the system if you need more help. my journey within therapy ended with hospitalization which has flipped my entire life around. what I'd consider the most important thing to remember when depressed is to take one day at the time. it's not easy, but it helps get rid of a lot of worries if you pull it off. might not be the wisest decision to imagine yourself with your current girlfriend as a family in the future. it may happen and it may not, and if it doesn't happen when you've already thought of your future together, it's gonna be a much more devastating blow. I'm sure you'll pull through this! it's a slow process, so don't give up hope. I sat stuck in my room without leaving the house for a year, and I've sat lonely and severely depressed for even longer. it wasn't until recently with several years of this that I finally managed to stumble back up on my feet, at least somewhat.
Alright so basically I've been depressed nearly every day recently for a couple months now and I have had suicidal thoughts almost every single day and it's tearing me apart right now and has been lately. It's also causing a lot of trouble with me and my girlfriend, I don't blame her at all but she doesn't really know how to handle me when I'm in a state and she tries to help but I end up feeling worse and just lying to her that I feel better. It won't stop recently and I feel like I'm trying so hard to get better but nothing will work at fucking all [editline]18th January 2015[/editline] We've only been together for about 3 and a half months and she told me loved me as well obviously I said so back and in all my teen hormones I believe it but I feel like she deserves better and I'm just tearing her and myself down
I don't think i will get better
I can't be without contact with my friends/loved ones for longer than a few hours without feeling depressed. I'm starting to slip
Sometimes I just want to post in this thread but most of the time I don't even know what to say or express how I feel, besides saying I'm depressed. I've been thinking about contacting this transgender therapy place about an hour away from where I live, but I feel like I wouldn't have the time to ever go out there, and the only day I would be able to do it is on a saturday. I'm just afraid that it'll end up like my last therapist that pretty much told me I "should get a girlfriend" before even thinking about transitioning.
Almost everyone on this forum who hates me (for a good reason) is better looking, smarter and more talented than me. I don't know where else to post this but I feel like a failure in life.
Never suffered from depression until lately. I just turned 25 and started getting this "feeling" around the time I turned 24. Before then my life was full of video games/creativity/learning new things. But now I simply don't want to do anything but sleep all day. The only thing stopping me from doing so is the fact that I have a full time job. I have hardly any interests at all. I used to think depression was just "all in the head" and it was just a phase. But now I realize that it's much much more sinister than that.
Damn theres so much here I don't even know where to start
[QUOTE=Adius Shadow;46964407]Never suffered from depression until lately. I just turned 25 and started getting this "feeling" around the time I turned 24. Before then my life was full of video games/creativity/learning new things. But now I simply don't want to do anything but sleep all day. The only thing stopping me from doing so is the fact that I have a full time job. I have hardly any interests at all. I used to think depression was just "all in the head" and it was just a phase. But now I realize that it's much much more sinister than that.[/QUOTE] What is your job? Do you like it?
I'm a complete fuck up. My friends had more fun looking at food pictures then to talk to me. And I'm to much of a wuss to tell them, so I'm sitting around doing nothing, feeling like shit. I'm fat, I'm exercising but I'm still fat. I can't play my instrument that well either so I don't know why I'm still doing it. I'm a failure with women, unless they need someone so they can rant and tell about how good locking people are. I 'm trying but I rarely get that I look good or decent even. I don't know what to do with my life, and I really wish to bury myself and start all over in a life. I'm tired, angry, sad and worn out. I'm just trying to kill the pain by doing so much that I don't think about my life. Because none of my friends invite me, probably because I'm a sad sack of shit that ruined the fun for everyone. I'm not a good musician, and that's the thing I'm best at, but I litteraly suck at it compression to many. I also don't really want to ruin the life for my family so I usually hide and don't say much. Why am I so useless? Why can't I mean something for someone? I'm just stealing oxygen for those Who actually need it
[QUOTE=PredGD;46962518]don't underestimate how much thoughts like these can affect both your performance and perception of things! I'm sure you've had cases where things went great, or at least acceptably okay. I wish I had some more input on your situation, but these things are complicated and we all tackle depression differently. I gave therapy some more thought and what it has done for me, and I think I might be giving it way too little credit. as of now, I don't think I need it as much as I do, but without it I would still be stuck in my room, perhaps even have committed suicide by this point, if it weren't for it. it definitely got me out of the mess I was in. it may or may not be of benefit to you, but I'd at least give it a shot before turning it down. a therapist can help you find work that suits you, discover your interests, and take you up the system if you need more help. my journey within therapy ended with hospitalization which has flipped my entire life around. what I'd consider the most important thing to remember when depressed is to take one day at the time. it's not easy, but it helps get rid of a lot of worries if you pull it off. might not be the wisest decision to imagine yourself with your current girlfriend as a family in the future. it may happen and it may not, and if it doesn't happen when you've already thought of your future together, it's gonna be a much more devastating blow. I'm sure you'll pull through this! it's a slow process, so don't give up hope. I sat stuck in my room without leaving the house for a year, and I've sat lonely and severely depressed for even longer. it wasn't until recently with several years of this that I finally managed to stumble back up on my feet, at least somewhat.[/QUOTE] I don't know, I just don't think I can do therapy. I don't see it happening, I wouldn't know how to make it happen, and most of all I don't WANT it to happen. But I mean, I guess I don't know what else to do. I don't know... I'd really rather not... I really can't be taking my life a day at a time right now. That's how I've been living my whole life, but at this point, if I keep doing that I'll end up living exactly how I am now the rest of my life, which would be miserable, which is why I've been thinking about the future, which is also inevitable miserable. I don't want to live day by day the way I am now, so I want to change it, and I try, and I can't. I might've agreed with you some months ago, but at this point im really not so sure. I've done everything I could to try to change my life and get somewhere and every single plan has fallen through. I just don't seem to have a future, and that's not something I can just recover from.
[QUOTE=JustExtreme;46965212]What is your job? Do you like it?[/QUOTE] I work in a grocery store, do a little bit of everything there. I like it in a sense that it pays all my bills and I quite enjoy the company of my fellow employees. I have bigger ambitions then working retail all my life, but I'm not confident enough to pursue them.
[QUOTE=Lolkork;46968227]I havent left the house in 1 month and I've started cutting myself. I feel completely worthless and I don't know how to get back to life, I get panic attacks when I try to do anything Tips?[/QUOTE] Seek medical treatment. Theres not going to be any real tips through a forum that are going to flip a switch for you. You need real treatment, from a real team of people who can help you.
[QUOTE=Zillamaster55;46963860]I can't be without contact with my friends/loved ones for longer than a few hours without feeling depressed. I'm starting to slip[/QUOTE] I feel the same way; I have no friends locally, so when I can have a deeply engaging conversation with somebody on steam or skype and it has to come to an end, it's the worst feeling.
Hi everyone, Got dumped by my girlfriend today, it was pretty bad. A while ago we discussed having kids down the road in a few years. I told her I don't really want kids. In return she left me saying that its easier to break up now than it will be in 3-4 years when she is ready to have kids. After she dumped me I sat on our couch for half an hour then went to work. I have a very easy job at a motel which is cool. But imagine 8 hours of sitting and thinking about the fact that you were dumped on your ass. I dont know where to go from here. I have lost my best friend. ): Just wanted to pour out my feelings to y'all.
I've been depressed for a more than a few years now. I was fine six or seven years ago during high school. I had my first girlfriend, lots of good friends, and never had nothing to do. But halfway during my sophomore year, my mother was sued by a clothing company for selling supposedly counterfeit dresses on ebay. She was never mentally stable to begin with, but this event drove her over the edge. Most nights went on with her screaming at my father who was barely able to pay the bills on his own, and she even tried to kill me in my sleep one night. The house was eventually foreclosed and my father, brother and I moved into an apartment while I went to school and attempted to pursue therapy. However, my dad lost his job a month after we moved in so I had to drop school and work full time to pay the bills while he borrowed money and tried to look for more work. Because of his now abysmal credit and the foreclosure on his record, we were eventually evicted, my brother shipped to Tennessee to live with relatives (who held us in contempt), my father and mother (who disappeared after we left the house) homeless, and I ended up moving in with my girlfriend at her parents place. Because of the eviction I was stuck with a $7,000 bill for the missed rent, upkeep, cancellation costs, and $5,000+ spending money on my credit card trying to keep my dad and brother in a hotel (which eventually also fell through). I'd been dating her for eight years then and we talked seriously about getting married and starting a life together, but my depression got worse and worse, and my job didn't offer any sort of reasonable mental health care. We decided we'd get married since we'd settled on that being inevitable and I'd take her health care and get serious treatment. The therapy went well for a few months and I was really starting to feel better, that was until I got the insurance statements in the mail. It turns out my therapist wasn't actually in-network and I owed my providers the full sum for each payment (they'd cover the initial visit and I'd have to pay it later it seemed). Dismayed, I hid this information and lied about continuing to go since I was already feeling much better. I figured I'd coast on the good vibes since with all my other debt and their collectors breathing down my neck I'd never be able to keep doing therapy. In the meantime I had started to play D&D with a few friends including one kid I knew in high school who never seemed to have many friends, and after I ran into him one day I decided to invite him to one of our games. We all hit it off and had a really great time. He was really in to Warhammer 40k and my girlfriend got interested in it too, so they'd talk and hang out a lot. It got to the point where any night she wasn't working she and him would go walking at night for six or seven hours at a time (no joke). Of course I started to feel a little jealous, but I believed her when she said they were just friends, especially since we were married and had been dating ten years before that. A few months later my mental health once again began to deteriorate, and despite my best efforts to cover it up I eventually began to break down into fits of extreme irrational anger and delusions of impending doom. Things finally came to a head when, one night after our good friend came back from university for spring break the three of us got really drunk and had a threesome. A few weeks after that I had another episode in front of her and tried to kill myself. She stopped the incident, but her parents got involved and she began to distance herself from me. I decided I would go to my best friend's place down the road and stay with him while I put off my debt and pursued therapy again, to which she agreed. A few weeks after that our mutual friend contacted me and told me he started to have feelings for my wife, and that he lied about having previous girlfriends (he was 23 and she was his first time) and I broke. I confronted her and she said that whatever they did was none of my business. I eventually went into their Facebook accounts and saw that they had been trading sexts and vocaroo recordings and other illicit things for the past few months, even before my breakdown. I then asked her if she wanted a divorce and we filed for one shortly after. Life has started to look up though; I've lost weight, I have a great new job, I've reconciled with my parents (my mother was in and out of jail and finally sought medication), and I've got my depression under control. I've also started being more productive, making more videos, getting more involved with my other friends, and finally for the first time in almost a decade doing what makes me happy. This didn't come without a lot of work though, and though I'm feeling much better, the nagging feeling that I've lost a ten year relationship (and the fact that I feel like I hardly knew her anymore) and that I'll be lonely for the rest of my life is still very present, and I have no idea what I'm going to do. Thanks to everyone who read this, and I've only been able to do this because of the courage you guys have to come here and share your stories. You guys are all awesome, and we'll find a way to get through our issues one way or another!
I'm not sure how to accurately describe what I've been feeling these last few months. Something feels definitely troubling, and it also makes me sad. I know I've had these phases before, but what bothers me is that I can't picture the difference. I suppose, mainly, I just don't know what could make me feel any better. I've tried everything. My life, as a whole, isn't even that bad. My family love me. I have an education, friends, a clean home, remotely everything I wanted...but there's no pleasure. The most recent drive I've felt in a long time was knowing this woman from my class. We didn't speak at first, but after about a year, we started to talk more since we both lived nearby and took the same train together. Her looks are what I would find attractive; light brown hair (almost red), clear skin, slender, sort of goth and was once emo. After a while of talking to each other in class, I got her number. We would speak and hang out from outside of college. After doing all of that, I felt attached to her. Recently, I've called her and sent her texts, but I've had no response for over a month. I fear that she's no longer interested, or that something has happened. 3 years is the longest I've actively kept in touch with any person. I wish I knew what happened. I've looked around her village for a whole day once and didn't find her anywhere. People told me to either let it go or go meet other people. I did try. I would go with friends on a night out. Socialise with other people. I've even hooked up with other women. But it's deflating. It only reminds me that I may have lost someone that had a lot of potential of being a lifetime partner for me. All that aside, I feel like a very confused and indecisive person. I feel like I'm incapable of getting what I want in my life. Things that are small and simple. I don't want to end my life, but I don't want to spend the rest of it pondering nonstop.
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