Depression, anxiety, suicidalism and similar disorders, issues and troubles V3 - Discussion, help an - General

So I've had this 'emptiness' several other posters have mentioned, I wouldn't exactly call it depression because that would insult people who actually have it. Hardly an interest in anything, whenever I get into something new my motivation to continue fizzles out after some time to where I force myself to do anything. I look back on my high school years and think of how I accomplished nothing during that time, my grades were sub-par and I cheesed the system by going to vocational school to avoid my junior and senior year of math classes because it was my Achilles heel. Although admittedly, the construction trade I'm going for isn't bad. It's good to get into, but I was never handy with a tool like other people are. I look at the majority of my family who are all successful and know that I can't reach the same level as them, my brother is talented and successful where as I'm not. I feel a obligation to do as well or outdo, yet my parents say they don't care if I don't do as well as the rest of the family which only makes it the feeling worse. I have a loving family(too loving sometimes), a roof over my head and all the simple things to be thankful for, yet I never felt worthy of any of it. Sort of like I'm going nowhere and wasted my life so far, and getting into anything would be too late. As I get older these self-loathing, pessimistic thoughts continue to grow louder. I just want to lay in my bed and rot to sum it all up, and when I actually feel happy it's sort of a shallow happiness.

Woo having the same intrusive thoughts that I've had 1-2 years ago in the middle of the night that's preventing me from sleeping

[QUOTE=Leg of Doom;46963831]I don't think i will get better[/QUOTE] Same here, I've been stuck on 3 different anti-depressants and now the 3rd is being upped to double the previous dose [I]"just to see if it works"[/I] Also gotta see a psychologist [b]and[/b] a psychiatrist Feel like a fucking test subject sometimes [editline]21st January 2015[/editline] [QUOTE=ROFLBURGER;46978637]Woo having the same intrusive thoughts that I've had 1-2 years ago in the middle of the night that's preventing me from sleeping[/QUOTE] I wake myself up shouting and punching the wall sometimes, guess it's the ptsd kicking in mainly at night since I try blocking all the thoughts during daytime

Can we be incredibly realtalk in this situation here? I usually go to this thread to vent about issues and that's it, I don't expect a discussion and I don't really want one. But I feel I really need one right now. Am I really too much of an ass? I'm not going to apologize for anything but apparently it was really bad, esp for furries. I'm occasionally talking to someone on steam who's giving me some pretty solid advice and he says "Furries hate you because you left the fandom with too much of a bang and they can't comprehend that". The guy is an incredibly respected furry himself, but I just want more opinions on this. I found some really hilarious posts about me on the furry 8chan (i don't go there i swear!!!) today. About a week ago the guy who was helping me mentioned that on like 4 separate websites that facepunchers are demanding a permaban because I'm too mean towards furries. [url]http://8archive.moe/furry/thread/120372/[/url] just ctrl+f burger Is it bad that I thought these posts are fucking hilarious? People are calling me out for being mean and I'm laughing at them for theorizing shit like i'm not going to get perma'd because the mods are social justice warriors. People pair me with the gmf or the mods a lot, people say the the recent pedophile bans were the result of my anti-furry attitude and that I lead some sort of crusade. I also find the posts really concerning because the fact that people are so upset with me that they've bitched about me on several other sites, including this one, about furry shit means that there is seriously a bigger problem than "burger hates furries so he should be permad"

I feel empty inside. I can never speak to anyone without feeling like I'm bothering them. I live in a rural area with literally nothing to do (no stores, no close neighbors, no nothing.) The girl I love will never know I do, and even if she did she wouldn't like me back because I'm too fucking socially crippled to deal with having a girlfriend, as my last and only relationship proved. Barely kept it for 6 months and blew it by being a paranoid fuck and harassing her friends because I thought they'd insulted me like a year earlier, which led me to believe they lived for nothing other than making my life hell. I can never get over the fact that I acted like that, especially since I never got to apologize before everyone split up and went to high school. Whenever I try to be funny in front of my friends I commit internal suicide immediately afterwards because I'm an unfunny pathetic lowlife. My grades are probably failing, I don't even know or care anymore. I have no plans for the future since I'll never ever be able to move away from this fucking place. I spend my free time playing the same video games over and over. I would kill myself, but my family loves me and I love them and I don't want them to go through that. Why can't I just simply vanish from this plane of existence? Why can't the world just start over without me ever being born, in a timeline where the money my parents have shelled out to keep my dumb ass alive could have been spent on something that might actually benefit society, such as [I]any other human being but me?![/I] Fuck, I bought Gold membership and a title as a birthday gift for myself last year. That sentence should sum up just how much I have to live for. [QUOTE=ROFLBURGER;46982113].[/QUOTE]Can't say I know who you are, but you seem like a cool dude.

when do you admit that maybe you are depressed and you aren't just feeling a little low?

[QUOTE=papaya;46983691]when do you admit that maybe you are depressed and you aren't just feeling a little low?[/QUOTE] When it's been weeks rather than days and when it starts to have a noticeable effect on your life.

[QUOTE=papaya;46983691]when do you admit that maybe you are depressed and you aren't just feeling a little low?[/QUOTE]It's been like this for more than a year now. I feel no motivation to do anything irl anymore. Not having a girlfriend in my current school environment where basically everyone has one, it hurts to go to school every day knowing it'll never happen. It was better before high school, in a different way. I lived close to my school and to the few people I actually knew. Now that I'm here I no longer go to school with a bunch of rednecks like I used to, but now I live over an hour away from school and I know nobody that lives close by.

Schizoaffective diagnosed here. The meds i'm on help for the most part, but I still struggle from paranoid delusions every now and then, which sucks.

Lately I've felt more and more depressed, less creative, and overall worthless to everyone around me, especially as an artist. I've just lost my motivation to do anything creative in my free time, and it makes me feel like I've completely lost all creativity and passion to make things that I had before. Sometimes it comes back, but the past 2 years it's been almost completely gone, and my skills have stagnated. I can't seem to bring myself to draw, write, model, or even code like I used to back when I wasn't depressed. I just sit around and watch videos on Youtube or play games (usually not online, unless it's with close friends. and that's semi-rare too. Have gotten quite antisocial.) and all the rest of the time I'm busy with my daily responsibilities, which are as dull and mindless as ever. I'm thinking maybe I should've gotten into college sooner, gotten the skills I needed to get a job I love before all my drive and optimism went down the drain. And to make matters worse, I've got a delusional stalker that saw my old tech demos and thinks I'm some professional game developer and he always finds ways to harass me to "finish the game" because he thinks I'm Gabe Newell. It would be flattering if he wasn't so creepily obsessed over me. I keep blocking all of his accounts on various places, but he keeps making alts to find me, and I just don't know how to get rid of him. Thought about sending him some kind of system-destroying malware and saying it was a "secret prototype" or something.... But yeah, things look pretty bleak. I'm depressed, feel like I can't create anymore, or at least not how I used to... I'm not suicidal or anything, but I just feel like I've just lost everything that made me special and unique. People have noticed a change in my personality, too. I tend to be a lot more sensitive and reactionary now, and I kinda feel like I'm losing control of myself, to be honest.

Is being genetically inferior a reason to hate myself? Everyone else has a higher IQ, isn't dyslexic and doesn't have the short attention span, crap memory and anger issues I have. Meanwhile there are heaps of people who just keep getting ahead in life and I can't keep up. If I try to archieve my goals I'll probably fail and have to start again. And I know the social part of my brain is wired the wrong way because I always get into arguments with people even when I'm completely wrong. Not being suicidal, I have no option but to live out my life as worthless human being who has nothing to contribute to humanity.

One time, i knew a guy called Oscar and i'm gonna tell you about the times where i was a dick to him and maybe then some. We had to do this yearly thing in Physical Ed back in High School, like a fitness test. This involved laps around a big as fuck astroturf field. I can't remember how many for the life of me but i remember Oscar behind most of the class. So when i finished earlier than him, he asked me how many laps he had to go (because we overtook him once). I lied to him and he ended up doing a few extra laps than normal whilst the rest of the class was laughing at him and he was running out of breath. At the time, i was laughing to it. A year later, i was a prick to him again. Oscar had this crush on a girl he liked, unfortunately Oscar wasn't exactly favorable company around class and because i didn't really agree with his forward attitude, i split the beans to her early and she rejected him afterwards when he came to her, because i told her what he was going to say. I was sitting in the Cafeteria when Oscar came along and i remember this god damn stare he gave me and i only remember sitting there like a smug little shit, like i was doing a public service and thought that i was hot shit. Over time he grew to hate my fucking guts, and i don't blame him and i regret that too. He wasn't a bad person, maybe arrogant at times but to be honest we all were back then. A part of me wanted to apologize years later but at the back of my head i felt like it was just too late. Ive done bad things, sure. I reflect on the past things ive done, because i was scared or i was arrogant. I just can't help but think that i can't make things right because ultimately the damage was already done. I regret it so bad that it actually breaks me down sometimes, not just Oscar. All the things ive done to myself, to my family, to all the people that i cared about. The ones that i can't say sorry to, are the ones that hurt the most because at heart, i really don't want to be that guy. I want to really do right by everyone i know. I remember a downward spiral before those days ended, and after them. I sat in a french lesson, trying to distract myself from the thoughts that were surrounding me. I was depressed at the time and i kept skipping school because of it. People hated me everywhere, i had few friends, so i became a ghost. I literally sat in class, said nothing and watched. Watched someone throw a paper ball over the class, watch another deal weed to another, i just sat there like i was invisible. Hell, in science i practically was. It really hit home, when i watched the teacher just give out each and every one of them a worksheet and when i thought it was my turn, i didn't get one. At the time, i kept myself an imaginary friend to keep me company, i was 15 at the time and it became a thing until i eventually broke down at 16. I was done by that point, abuse if i go and even more from my friends if i didn't bother to show up at school, which in turn made me feel worse. I eventually broke (for trauma but anxiety at school as well.) and dropped out of school and attended a mental health clinic instead of school for the last few months of my high school education. I had to take all of my science exam tests back at school, i didn't enjoy it. It felt like walking through a place that was literally dedicated to taking whatever you had and throwing it out the fucking window, i couldn't look anyone i knew in the eyes because i was afraid of what they would say next. Depressing but after awhile all i could think was about how i had fucked up and how it was all my fault, how i had made everyone hate me. I felt like i deserved it. I couldn't even bare to keep my own name because i associated it with the stigma of those years, the names and the arrogance that we displayed towards each other in class, the harassment. I want to say with a smile to my girlfriend that i believe her when she says that i am a wonderful person, but i don't know.

I've already been somewhat depressed with myself in recent years because i'm graduated from high school and 21 years old, 22 in May, yet still don't have a college degree nor any sort of job work experience at all. Didn't help that I was on special education for aspergers so I lack self-confidence and my raising didn't instill much drive into me. Now my father's been diagnosed with liver cancer months after he became ill initially because none of the doctors in Kansas apparently checked for it until he was hospitalized this past week (he's back here at home now), he's blaming himself for the matter, and my whole family's getting the calls. There's a very strong chance this is going to kill him, and I just don't know what i'm going to do with my life if my father dies from this.

[QUOTE=Alonguy;46987072]Lately I've felt more and more depressed, less creative, and overall worthless to everyone around me, especially as an artist. I've just lost my motivation to do anything creative in my free time, and it makes me feel like I've completely lost all creativity and passion to make things that I had before. Sometimes it comes back, but the past 2 years it's been almost completely gone, and my skills have stagnated. I can't seem to bring myself to draw, write, model, or even code like I used to back when I wasn't depressed. I just sit around and watch videos on Youtube or play games (usually not online, unless it's with close friends. and that's semi-rare too. Have gotten quite antisocial.) and all the rest of the time I'm busy with my daily responsibilities, which are as dull and mindless as ever. I'm thinking maybe I should've gotten into college sooner, gotten the skills I needed to get a job I love before all my drive and optimism went down the drain. And to make matters worse, I've got a delusional stalker that saw my old tech demos and thinks I'm some professional game developer and he always finds ways to harass me to "finish the game" because he thinks I'm Gabe Newell. It would be flattering if he wasn't so creepily obsessed over me. I keep blocking all of his accounts on various places, but he keeps making alts to find me, and I just don't know how to get rid of him. Thought about sending him some kind of system-destroying malware and saying it was a "secret prototype" or something.... But yeah, things look pretty bleak. I'm depressed, feel like I can't create anymore, or at least not how I used to... I'm not suicidal or anything, but I just feel like I've just lost everything that made me special and unique. People have noticed a change in my personality, too. I tend to be a lot more sensitive and reactionary now, and I kinda feel like I'm losing control of myself, to be honest.[/QUOTE] I'm in the same boat.

So I saw this and since I've been suffering for majority of my life (well, for as long as I can remember) I felt like I should contribute here as my first post. So about myself, I'm a 20 year old kid from Australia. Chilled mostly silent and boring like even though my body wanted to be like a kid. Started to build social anxiety from that. Ever since I was 12 I always thought about trying to well, end myself. Was afraid to go see the doctor about it from what people have told me. (Doctors "apparently" telling them to just toughen up pretty much or "faking" it) And around were I am, a lot of the doctors are very old school. (I live in a country town). But last year, I got to the point where I chugged a bottle of vodka and tried to self harm (straight up the veins) but luckily I was using an old hobbist blade I had and it was to blunt. And then being to drunk over it all was unable to go to the kitchen. So well I guess alcohol can help save your ass as well. I then tried to use a some rock climbing rope(?) (it an elastic type of rope...) on a pull up bar I had in my doorway but that from being old, pretty much fell. So I was lying on the ground and thought of how my mum would feel about this. (Lets say, my mum is the world to me, and well i don't have a particular liking towards my dad since he's always been a bit of a douche to me and still is) And since then every time I had the thought I'd think about my mum crying which funnily enough, actually helped me to get the courage to see the doctors. Got a basic prescription (started on 5mg then went up by double each time I didn't feel a difference) and got the dosage to what I felt comfortable on (Only 75mg of venlafaxine per day) and saw the psychologist weekly for the first month, then fortnightly, then every three weeks then every month for the rest of the year (had my last appointment last month). And to this day, what I regret most is not getting it checked out a long time ago. Just following what the doctor and psychologist told me has greatly helped me become who I was as a kid. I have more interaction with people, able to study better and generally feel a a lot better with who I am. The main reason I regret though is as a kid I've always wanted to develop games (thanks to the original Tom Clancy's Rainbow Six) and last year I started an Advanced Diploma of Games Programming at AIE (online course for it since the campus is far from me) and struggled a lot with the first term. Sure I passed that in the end but missed a lot of content that made creating an OpenGL engine a little... Hard. But my advice to anybody that feels like they have depression/anxiety or anything really. Go to your doctor about it, they're professionals and will help you out. TELL THEM EXACTLY HOW YOU FEEL. You don't need to lie one bit. They will catch on to it quite easily. Just try to relax and talk to them like they're somebody close to you.

i feel so empty and i don't know how to describe it i feel pathetic posting about my problems on here but i literally don't talk to anyone about them anymore if i don't figure out what to do i think i'll go crazy back in high school i had my best friend, i'd always cry on her shoulder about my bullshit, i was honestly pretty poisonous to her, it was always about me and how much i hated myself now, on the outside, i'm much better adjusted, i have lots of friends who (seem to) really like me, but once i get away from them i just feel so pointless i just want a girl, someone to cuddle with and feel good about myself, but i know that's not a healthy mindset to enter a relationship with, so i don't try also because it's just been so long since i was in a relationship of any kind, and i've never been in what you'd probably call a "real relationship" so i honestly suck at the whole "dating" or even "liking a girl" thing any girl i meet who i think i may have a thing for, i just ignore as much as i can. "hello, how you doing" in the hallway, or just as much conversation as i think is necessary, so i can walk away without feeling like a douchebag, but never "do you want to get some coffee with me" or anything it used to be because i knew they'd say no, now i think it's more i think they might say yes and i'm just not ready to invest all that effort in starting and maintaining a real human relationship, the idea of it just makes me go crazy and then i jerk it to some shitty porno and feel terrible about my lonely self this was much longer than i intended it to be

Wow, I think I have it shitty and then I see this thread, wow. Since I'm here I might as well share my story. I have dyspraxia, which sucks, and has been causing all this shit lately. I had terrible depression during the last few months of last year. I'd cry myself to sleep at night giving myself shit, and life generally sucked. I never moved on to considering anything terrible since I thought about my family and friends and stuff, and I was too scared to say anything to my parents, and schools support is terrible, so I made a post to the dyspraxia subreddit, and had a guy give me a really nice post which really cheered me up, and has made everything much better (I would dig it up but I'm at school atm and reddit is blocked). The only problem I've been dealing with since then is the social anxiety issue, which isn't helped by the fact that 90% of the people in my school are complete twats in the lower years (and some in 6th form) who are out to destroy your self-esteem no matter what. Just passing comments, people throwing fake punches and screaming in my ears just for fun is making me a complete wreck at school; I shake in most lessons when I aren't near my friends or anyone that I can trust. In the past few days this has gotten really shitty, a group of chavs have started hanging around a street down from where I live, and were throwing snowballs and yelling stuff at me, making me more paranoid. I have no idea what to do or who to go to; I fear asking my parents for help and school support is very below par.

[QUOTE=Adius Shadow;46991951]I'm in the same boat.[/QUOTE] Really not a good boat to be in... hope we can both get out of it eventually. My friends keep telling me to try something new, maybe expand my art to other mediums. Or to stop worrying about how productive I am, and just enjoy the fact that my life is pretty OK outside of my lack of creativity, basically to look on the bright side. I'm trying my best to do so now, but I still keep looking back to what I used to do before. I actually hid most of my old art so I wouldn't do that as much, and I think it might work. Out of sight, out of mind and all...

went to the doctor, he told me I should come back in a month I've been feeling like this since last september. Just a complete lack of motivation or drive to do anything, even though I have stuff I know I really should be doing. The doctor's only advice was to "try and find something social to do". Part of my problem is that I get incredible feelings of anxiety when I do so much as go to the shop or walk through college. I don't think that will help. this just feels awful because i know it's not severe, there's nothing majorly wrong with me but it's still making me just not feel willing to do anything. I've skipped a lot of lessons (my attendance is like 68%) because I just cannot bring myself to concentrate through even a few hours of schoolwork.

I think everything is finally starting to turn around and get better. My mom got back from rehab which she was mandated to go to a few days ago and she's been doing better. She's been going to therapy and Alcoholics Anonymous meetings everyday. She wants to get better and we're all hoping she doesn't drink anymore. She's going to be tested by her job everyday when she goes back to work so that's a good thing

How come all the really bad shit happens at once? So far like 3 things I got upset about happened to me today. It's something I don't want to discuss but sometimes It really feels like there is some greater power fucking around with me. I'm not using this whole "greater power" think to excuse the issues I have, don't worry.

I like to complain about doing other things rather than working, while at work. But when I'm home, I just don't do anything. I'm off work today and I haven't done a single thing besides taking out the trash and some laundry, which honestly takes a few minutes. Whenever I want to pick something up like drawing, I just drop it because I'm no good at it and I just lose all motivation to do anything. I just want to be able to sit down and draw pictures or model something decent, but I lose interest so fast.

Posting from the psych ward. Oops

[QUOTE=slayer20;47003982]Whenever I want to pick something up like drawing, I just drop it because I'm no good at it and I just lose all motivation to do anything. I just want to be able to sit down and draw pictures or model something decent, but I lose interest so fast.[/QUOTE] I feel you on this pretty closely. I started drawing again pretty recently, but I get ridiculously upset when I can't draw what I see in my head. I just want to snap my tablet in half and cry because I don't understand why I can't do a simple thing like an eye or hair when some people do it straight away perfectly. I just give up and play a game or something distracting because I can't get back into it after screwing up so many times.

I am so fucking stressed out over this job. I had to come home sick because how upset my stomach was. I tried to get a hold of the my temp agency but the one person I need to talk to isn't there today. I messaged her on facebook so hopefully she responds but I don't know how much longer I can keep this job. The people who own the place are fucking clueless on what they are doing. I was hired to take apart computers and laptops, record what parts they have inside, and then list them on ebay. Now they want me to not do any of that and instead try and find all the model numbers and parts inside each laptop, list them online, wait for them to sell, and THEN take apart the laptop. It's fucking dumb. When I first started taking stuff apart, the guy who owns the place told me to label EVERYTHING with their model number and price so that when he walks over to my desk, he can see what sells and doesn't sell. I have put stickers on everything I touched and since he told me that, he hasn't been to my desk at all. Not to mention all those stickers I put on everything are a pain in the ass to take off. I'm also so far away from everyone else which makes it incredibly lonely (i'm already lonely as fuck to begin with). I have to walk so far just to take pictures of items I pull, which previously I didn't have to do because I could just go on google and grab a decent image off of there. But now they want us to take our own pictures of EVERYTHING. There's only one photobooth there, and if I have a bunch of stuff I need pictures of, I have to make multiple trips. I just want a better job.

I woke up today is the foulest of moods today. I don't know why or what i just feel so down in the dumps and shitty. I was at the gym and i had no energy either, its almost as if i lost the will to live as such. as dramatic as it sounds. I hope this goes away. i just woke up like it. Ive had a few conflicted feelings recently so maybe they just all decided to mount up on me this morning.

I never knew Facepunch had a thread like this. I've had some bad times last year and It might be helpful for others to read through it. Last year in April something snapped. I was working 60 hours a week at a job I've provided myself. My grandmother recently passed away and due to my working schedule I didn't have the 'time' to learn to live with the fact my grandmother had passed away. One friday when I was preparing my working van (I used to sell door-to-door, self owned company) something just snapped. I walked over to my mother and said that I wasn't happy and literally bursted out in the biggest crying I've ever had. I just felt my life wasn't going into the directing I wanted it to go, I was not in control of my life. You see, I have great parents. They always want the best for me. So, me being a teenager not knowing what to do with my life, they control it. They arrange a job for me. They arrange clothes for me. Everything. It wasn't untill my grandmother passed away that I started to really realize this. The thing that happened next is that I was completely numbed. I couldn't think. I couldn't eat. Nothing. After 2 days of staying in bed and my parents force feeding me so I wouldn't die of starvation. I went to talk to my neighbor. My neighbor is a woman who has this way of talking to people. She always seems to reach parts of thoughts in people. My mother arranged this little talk and we were the only one (So no parents to judge me) At the end of the conversation she made me realize that I've never, ever in my life took control over it. And that realization, gave me clarity. I needed to start doing things for myself. A few days passed and I started feeling a bit better. I started working again because I had my own company so I couldn't just quit. I decided that I had to move out of the house. And so I did. Luckily me and a friend got this offer for a anti-squatting place in which we could live for 6 months. And those 6 months were an eye opening experience for me. I suddenly started thinking about life. What I wanted to do, what I wanted to achieve. One of my friends started studying to become a primary school teacher. When I was younger (around 14-ish) I had a few thoughts about becoming a teacher. But as a kid growing up in a family of big business owners, that was out of the question. So I decided to dig into the whole becoming a teacher thing and here I am! I'm currently in my preparation year. And after that I will be starting a study for becoming a primary school teacher. I'm even following a internship at a primary school and I'm loving everything about it. I still have my depression bits. Alot of times I just completely shut myself off from the rest of the world. But I think that's the whole thing (For me at least) Depression is something you have and just cant really 'throw away'. I've accepted it and I've learned to live with it. If they're any questions just feel free to ask as I've might have forgotten some stuff.

Talked to the person I needed to talk to from my temp agency. Apparently she's sick of hearing about the place I work at as well, and others have come to her with complaints. Hopefully she finds something new for me soon.

I want to go back to 2002 and try harder to be a better person. I'm too old now I can't fix my life. Because I made be decisions my life is going to get worse and worse until something really bad happens, I can't take it. I can't figure out what to do, what should be doing? I'm trained in an industry that only employs extremely hard working and skill people who I can't keep up with. I'm too old to be living with my parents yet I am. Unless I can figure out how to make any business get over 10,000 view on YouTube and Vimeo the place I'm currently working at is going to go out of business. FUCK, HELP ME. Some tell, how does everyone else just work hard solve problems and not get stressed? I'm losing my mind. I have to make a showreel which takes patience, but how do I have patience when I'm losing money and running out of time? Everyone seems to think I should be able to do this, I can't ask for help because I can't communicate the problem, when I ask if there is something wrong with me no one wants to talk about it because it's depressing and apparently there is nothing wrong, but if there is nothing why can't I do the task. Everyone else can work hard and problem solve and just do it, why can't I? Why can't put my finger on the problem, why is there a problem but I can't describe the problem? How can practice improve someone if doing the same thing over and over is insane? How do improve if I can't figure out where I'm going wrong, I can't I figure out the problem? What am I missing? Why is hard work hard in the first place what defines it has hard, does it have to be hard to discourage other people? If someone else can do it why I can't I? HELP!!!

Is it OK to ask my friends to visit me in the psych ward?