Depression, anxiety, suicidalism and similar disorders, issues and troubles V3 - Discussion, help an - General

My bleeding ulcer has been causing me so much mental anguish that I can't function properly anymore. The anaemia that comes along with it scrambles my brain so much that I am having serious problems I've had it for nine months now, and before that I had another stomach condition that causes anaemia, between that period I had about three months where I literally have never remembered feeling as good and normal. The anaemia is so bad daily that I never feel like I am where I am, its like constantly being in a daydream, the literal only thing I can compare it to is being so "Into something" that you kind of fade in to whatever your doing. I forget things incredibly fast now and I generally can't remember a lot. I constantly end up double checking things because I literally can't at all remember if I turned off the oven, flushed the toilet ect. When I hear a complex phrase, I can read it but it just doesn't make sense no matter how much I try to make sense of it. I rarely have any energy and I don't eat that much; and when I do its a gorge. I've lost 30 pounds in the last couple of months because of my lack of eating. I've had a girl I cared about a lot break up with me because I can't remember a ton of things she says to me in a normal conversation and I can't even fucking articulate my thoughts anymore. I have so many things I've tried to say and explain and the loss of articulation has me constantly stopping during writing sentences to actually remember what I was saying (I've done it three times in this mini-paragraph) I also used to have impeccable grammar and now I constantly forget how to spell things. I fucking hate myself and everything thats happening, I'm constantly spaced out and I've become so unreliable that people don't even ask me for anything anymore. I'm being seen by everyone as always being childish because of how much my intelligence is hindered. Every day I wish I could just be myself again. I'm depressed and its my fucking fault, I've ruined so many things for myself since I've had this

(Going to have to break this into multiple posts for length) Almost a year ago, I believe, I found out about a parasitic disease called Toxoplasmosis that has been linked to schizophrenia in humans. The parasite, which primarily infects cats can be spread by cat feces (although cats only shed it in their feces for about a week or two after infection), soil, eating unwashed fruits and vegetables, as well as raw or under-cooked meat (it has to be ingested to contract it). At first I wasn't that concerned with it. [editline]1st February 2015[/editline] Even though I grew up in a house with cats, I had never touched cat feces, so I thought it was unlikely that I would have it. However, as time went by I found myself more and more concerned with contracting it. Our cats love to jump on the tables and sleep on my bed. We let one go outside at night, and the other will sometimes dig out dirt from a potted plant in our kitchen and roll around in it, which increases their risk for infection. What if they're infected with it and have been tracking it from their litter box all over the house? [editline]1st February 2015[/editline] What if our cats have been tracking infected soil around the house? On our tables? [I]On my bed?[/I] I began washing my hands more and more frequently as time went on. Anytime I would touch something I felt was unclean, I would wash my hands. At first it wasn't that bad. But it got worse and worse. I started using paper towels to dry my hands and refused to use hand towels. Finally, it reached its peak on Christmas day. [editline]1st February 2015[/editline] I became so paranoid, I kept washing my hands over and over because I kept accidentally touching stuff I didn't want to touch. I wanted to stop, [I]but I just couldn't[/I], the fear of potentially developing schizophrenia was too great. I became extremely distressed and broke down in front of my parents. Since then, it has probably gotten worse. I started washing the sink faucets every time I had to use it because I was worried about my brother infecting them (he has no problem touching pets). [editline]1st February 2015[/editline] I eventually got tired of that and now I just use a paper towel to turn the sink off. I'm afraid to touch any of our pets. Even our dog, as he sometimes eats out of the cat litter and tracks dirt from our backyard. I'm constantly changing clothes in the middle of the day and washing my blankets. I've lost so much sleep and so many hours of the day, and wasted so much soap and paper towels. I've probably raised our water bill quite a bit. My hands have become so dry and chapped, I wonder if they'll ever heal. [editline]1st February 2015[/editline] It gets worse. To avoid wasting water and soap, I've been using Clorox disinfecting wipes to clean stuff recently, but that gave birth to a new phobia. I'm worried that the wipes will leave chemical residue on my things and that touching them will have adverse effects on my health. I've been reading about some of the ingredients in the wipes (Benzalkonium chloride) and found out that they can have some pretty harmful effects in high concentrations. [editline]1st February 2015[/editline] I'm mostly worried about chronic exposure or that I'll touch something that was disinfected and then accidentally touch my eyes and that residual chemicals will damage them. I used them on my chair, on doorknobs, and because I'm a complete dumbass I've even used them on my game controllers and 3DS, despite the potential damage it could cause. Now I'm afraid to ever sit in my chair or play any games even after washing and cleaning them off to prevent harmful residue. [editline]1st February 2015[/editline] My paranoia about the chemicals is probably unfounded, but I don't want to take any chances. I feel so fucking dumb for all of this. Why did I have to use those wipes on the things I use the most? Now I have to combat two major phobias at once. Any thoughts or advice would be welcome. This has been going too far. I'm sorry for the wall of text.

[QUOTE=pentium;47047657]I was talking to one of the few friends I still know. We were talking about going places in town but was feeling iffy because he owed people money for various debts over the years. I couldn't stand it. I hate watching people sit around because they owe people money (I knew these people as well so I know there is money owed). I went and sent him $400 to pay them off and he's all happy again but now I'm running on $150 for bills/gas/food until my next pay period in two weeks. Did I do the right thing to make someone elses life better?[/QUOTE] I can relate to your friend actions and all my problems could also be solved with 400 dollars. I think you did a good thing, but I hope your friend has learned from his mistakes and he will not repeat them.

[QUOTE=Vitalon;47053187]-snip- large post[/QUOTE] Obsessive compulsive disorder. I have it too, however I learned to tame it a few years ago. The first thing you MUST do: Stop looking things up. The more you look things up the more your obsessive thoughts get fueled. You are giving yourself more of a reason to be scared. My big thing was death, bugs, fire, and yes, ghosts. (I was about 11 at the time, now 16). Every night I would check every outlet in the house several times to make sure there was no chance of somehow being an electrical fire. Then I would check the ports on the back of my computer and I would make sure my computer is in hibernate mode so it won't be generating lots of heat and stuff, then I check all the closet doors in the house to make sure bugs can't get through (because once I found several cockroaches in our closet, still my biggest fear to this day, hate those little fuckwads) but at the time I thought closing the closet would keep them out of my room lmao. Then, the "ghosts". We live in an older house, built on a wooden foundation, that is bound to creak a lot. Whenever I heard a noise late at night, I would get up out of bed, and go investigate it. I couldn't stop myself. Every. Time. I stayed up until 4AM some nights repeatedly coming in and out of my room investigating noises. Enough about me, the point is you have to find a way to tame your habits. As I said, the first method is to stop researching things and fueling your OCD. Second, you have to restrict yourself from your obsessive thoughts. This is a timely process. I wish I could sugar coat it but sometimes you just have to stop. I'm not saying stop just yet, completely, but you HAVE to cut down on how often you carry out your obsessive acts. Start reintroducing your pets into your life. Cut some parts out of your routine, and, say you did your little routine 10 times a day (completely arbitrary number), start reducing that number. Every day force yourself to do it less. Reward yourself the less you do it. Third is a step that I haven't had to deal with personally (because of OCD, have had to for depression and anxiety), but try going to a psychologist. This is something I strongly recommend, because they really do help a lot. I have friends who have suffered from OCD very severely, and their psychologist helps them wonders. I'm sorry you have to deal with this man. I've been down the same road and I know it sucks. You just have to grind through it and force yourself to break the habits. It's a long process, but once you figure out how to tame them once, you're good forever.

Stop hiding from your pets. Stop fearing your furniture. Your fears are unfounded by a misunderstanding of parasites and chemical substances in general. You'll only get over it if you tell yourself you must be wrong and act on that information.

there's a few things I've had on my mind, some since I've been a kid and some more recent that I've had no luck in venting about or telling my shrink about. I find them embarrassing, fucked up, etc. I've always kept a lid on it and dealt with it internally, but these are issues that are kinda big to me. I'm not sure how I'm supposed to vent about it and get help since I don't want to expose these feelings to another person, nor do I want to tie these traits to my own name. there's so much negative prejudice towards these things. I feel silly for making this post to begin with. it feels like a "I'm venting about a problem, but I won't tell you what it is." which it kind of is, but I don't know how else I'm going to get this out. I want to get it out, I want to vent about it, but I'm terrified of the response I might get. I've been thinking of doing it anonymously or making a throw away account, but I'm scared it'll somehow get tied back to my name. I could always mention it to my shrink, but it'll be logged in my medical journal so all of the staff at the ward I live at will know. even worse, I'll be exposing it to someone and they'll have a face to tie it with. I'm not sure what I'm expecting to get out of this post. it definitely isn't helping, just feels like a tease.

[QUOTE=PredGD;47054538]there's a few things I've had on my mind, some since I've been a kid and some more recent that I've had no luck in venting about or telling my shrink about. I find them embarrassing, fucked up, etc. I've always kept a lid on it and dealt with it internally, but these are issues that are kinda big to me. I'm not sure how I'm supposed to vent about it and get help since I don't want to expose these feelings to another person, nor do I want to tie these traits to my own name. there's so much negative prejudice towards these things. I feel silly for making this post to begin with. it feels like a "I'm venting about a problem, but I won't tell you what it is." which it kind of is, but I don't know how else I'm going to get this out. I want to get it out, I want to vent about it, but I'm terrified of the response I might get. I've been thinking of doing it anonymously or making a throw away account, but I'm scared it'll somehow get tied back to my name. I could always mention it to my shrink, but it'll be logged in my medical journal so all of the staff at the ward I live at will know. even worse, I'll be exposing it to someone and they'll have a face to tie it with. I'm not sure what I'm expecting to get out of this post. it definitely isn't helping, just feels like a tease.[/QUOTE] Well, unless you've murdered or sexually assaulted someone, I'm sure it can't be that bad. What's it like drugs or somethin? Which was actually the reason I came into this thread. Many of you seem to have many of the same symptoms I've dealt with over the years, and recently got into a car accident where I met the most bittersweet class of substances I've ever had the opportunity to experience: opiates/opioids. Let me tell you has this past year been a rollercoaster. For those of you ignorant to drug use and abuse, the drug isn't necessarily what it's stereotypes may have you believe (heroin being the main one) but I got into a pretty rough car accident and was prescribed a fair amount of hydrocodone, and started taking them more recreationally rather than for pain, although pain was present I enjoyed the feelings associated with higher doses than prescribed. It was great while I had my scripts and could afford to buy more illegally and what have you, I was much more social, very very confident, and just overall more motivated and happy, not to mention the dopamine release, like the world was my oyster... Of course the side everyone knows about is the withdrawals, but the thing is, they don't come from one days use, hell they won't ever really appear after a week straight's use, but after about a month of daily, almost daily use it got it's tight grip on me and I've been in my current predicament for roughly 8 months. It's not fun, and I wrote this not for help but more to warn that if you have severe depression and the like, you probably shouldn't ever get into these drugs, as they can be very pleasureable, but also can completely rid your body of depression... while on them of course and the addiction isn't worth the withdrawal where you feel X100 worse than before you were taking them, and that was hard to fathom at the time if you're depressed. I'd also like to note those open to the idea, cannabis has helped the shit out of my depression and continues to do so. If you're someone who can handle taking the drug, it is the ultimate antidepressant IMO

[QUOTE=pentium;47047657]I was talking to one of the few friends I still know. We were talking about going places in town but was feeling iffy because he owed people money for various debts over the years. I couldn't stand it. I hate watching people sit around because they owe people money (I knew these people as well so I know there is money owed). I went and sent him $400 to pay them off and he's all happy again but now I'm running on $150 for bills/gas/food until my next pay period in two weeks. Did I do the right thing to make someone elses life better?[/QUOTE] Maybe. If he needs money in the future, then I'd be wary about giving it to him again.

If I gain 10 more pounds I will be considered obese. I am 6"5ish and 240 pounds. But lets me honest here, I am. I don't work out or anything so I have zero muscle mass. I just don't have the motivation to do anything about it. Eating makes me happy and [B]I'm always fucking hungry[/B]. There are stretch marks around my groin and hips and I just generally look like shit when shirtless. I have absolutely no motivation to lose weight or even try, I don't have motivation to do anything, sometimes I just sit near the computer and just look at the screen for 30 minutes. I dislike showering because its basically me looking at my body for 10 minutes, I obviously shower daily but I hate putting up with it but I feel like I just can't do anything [t]http://i253.photobucket.com/albums/hh79/txtechmuscle/JanuaryFront.jpg[/t] This isn't me, but I pretty much look like this. I don't know how tall he is but this is 240lb of fat.

[QUOTE=ROFLBURGER;47054836]If I gain 10 more pounds I will be considered obese. I am 6"5ish and 240 pounds. But lets me honest here, I am. I don't work out or anything so I have zero muscle mass. I just don't have the motivation to do anything about it. Eating makes me happy and [B]I'm always fucking hungry[/B]. There are stretch marks around my groin and hips and I just generally look like shit when shirtless. I have absolutely no motivation to lose weight or even try, I don't have motivation to do anything, sometimes I just sit near the computer and just look at the screen for 30 minutes. I dislike showering because its basically me looking at my body for 10 minutes, I obviously shower daily but I hate putting up with it but I feel like I just can't do anything [t]http://i253.photobucket.com/albums/hh79/txtechmuscle/JanuaryFront.jpg[/t] This isn't me, but I pretty much look like this. I don't know how tall he is but this is 240lb of fat.[/QUOTE] How old are you? If you're still a teenager you might just still have that extra fat everyone eventually loses, I was the exact way until about 18-19 then I grew into my body so to speak.

[QUOTE=zach1193;47054901]How old are you? If you're still a teenager you might just still have that extra fat everyone eventually loses, I was the exact way until about 18-19 then I grew into my body so to speak.[/QUOTE] lol I'm 19 and it's not getting better. My mother says the exact same thing. Sometimes I actually want to blame my mother for all this but I know it's my fault. She doesn't like cooking and her cooking is awful so she gets us junk food most of the time. I keep telling her that I'm trying to watch my weight but she gets shit like doritos. The only one in my family who isn't overweight is my sister. She never eats anything.

[QUOTE=ROFLBURGER;47054930]lol I'm 19 and it's not getting better. My mother says the exact same thing. Sometimes I actually want to blame my mother for all this but I know it's my fault. She doesn't like cooking and her cooking is awful so she gets us junk food most of the time. I keep telling her that I'm trying to watch my weight but she gets shit like doritos. The only one in my family who isn't overweight is my sister. She never eats anything.[/QUOTE] Yea that's a bitch, was kinda my issue for my childhood overweightness. It'll be ok though, you're only 19, you've got plenty of time to find your own way to lose some weight. May I suggest just starting with the all common walk around the block? Really if you're serious about wanting to lose that weight just start with a walk around your block once or however many times you feel comfortable (obviously doesn't have to be around the block, just a walk somewhere and back and make it a daily requirement to get out and do it everyday, gradually pushing yourself to do more after you feel comfortable with what you've been doing. Mold this you're own way and just try and be senseable with what you eat (as much as you can manage with your situation of course) and you'll be feeling better about yourself, not just because you'd be losing weight, but it would be something to give you a sense of accomplishment as well

My fear of the parasite has taken a backseat to my fear of that chemical. After a disinfectant has dried up, is it still hazardous to your eye? I'm only worried because apparently one of the ingredients (dimethyl benzyl ammonium chloride) in the stuff I used can fuck up your cornea above a certain concentration. [editline]1st February 2015[/editline] By the way, I have talked to my dad about seeing a psychiatrist, but would it be better to see a therapist first?

[QUOTE=Vitalon;47055428]My fear of the parasite has taken a backseat to my fear of that chemical. After a disinfectant has dried up, is it still hazardous to your eye? I'm only worried because apparently one of the ingredients (dimethyl benzyl ammonium chloride) in the stuff I used can fuck up your cornea above a certain concentration. [editline]1st February 2015[/editline] By the way, I have talked to my dad about seeing a psychiatrist, but would it be better to see a therapist first?[/QUOTE] They're both usually in the same building from my experience so if you see one, you'll most likely see the other if you need meds or rather, they prescribe you them anyway.

[QUOTE=Vitalon;47055428]My fear of the parasite has taken a backseat to my fear of that chemical. After a disinfectant has dried up, is it still hazardous to your eye? I'm only worried because apparently one of the ingredients (dimethyl benzyl ammonium chloride) in the stuff I used can fuck up your cornea above a certain concentration. [editline]1st February 2015[/editline] By the way, I have talked to my dad about seeing a psychiatrist, but would it be better to see a therapist first?[/QUOTE] You're being crazy. You're not pressing your eyeball right into a cornered surface to make intimate contact, and febreeze is MADE for living around. You're not pouring a bottle of bleach straight into your eye.

Yeah, I know I'm being unreasonable. There's just this nagging feeling in the back of my head that says "better safe than sorry" every time I think about touching stuff. And the stuff I used for cleaning was Clorox disinfecting wipes (non-bleach). I only became concerned about it in the first place because my fingers burned a little after using the wipes until I washed it off.

[QUOTE=Vitalon;47055428]My fear of the parasite has taken a backseat to my fear of that chemical. After a disinfectant has dried up, is it still hazardous to your eye? I'm only worried because apparently one of the ingredients (dimethyl benzyl ammonium chloride) in the stuff I used can fuck up your cornea above a certain concentration. [editline]1st February 2015[/editline] By the way, I have talked to my dad about seeing a psychiatrist, but would it be better to see a therapist first?[/QUOTE] It wouldn't be sold if it wasn't safe dude. You are safe I promise.

[QUOTE=Vitalon;47055905]Yeah, I know I'm being unreasonable. There's just this nagging feeling in the back of my head that says "better safe than sorry" every time I think about touching stuff. And the stuff I used for cleaning was Clorox disinfecting wipes (non-bleach). I only became concerned about it in the first place because my fingers burned a little after using the wipes until I washed it off.[/QUOTE] People put products such as Veet and Nair ALL OVER their body in a thick creamy layer. It burns. [editline]1st February 2015[/editline] and then they wash it off and feel better shortly after

I need to get some stuff off of my chest as I'm hurting pretty bad right now and this seems like the place to do it. Over the past few years things took a downhill tumble in my life starting with me spending my 19th birthday in a mental ward after attempting suicide. My father and his wife were convinced at the time I was faking everything for attention despite being diagnosed with depression and being actively medicated and seeing a therapist. This led to four months of misery as I was constantly reminded by both of the stress and tension I put on their family, my father's wife also convinced that I was violent and a danger to their daughter (although I'd never had a history of violence), peaking with my father one day laying the ultimatum of joining the military or being kicked out of the house. Suffice to say I was forced to drop out of college and was cut off from both my medication and my therapist after moving back to my hometown in Iowa to live with my mom and her husband. It was hard moving forward afterword as I'd become convinced that I had no future and being cut off of my depression meds left me really unstable, but thanks to my sister and and my best friend I pulled through, got a job, and managed to work up the courage to come out of the closet to my friends and even have my first (albeit shortlived) relationship. One friend's very conservative parents got suspicious however, as they had been close friends with my very conservative stepdad and after word got back to both of my parents I ended up homeless again shortly after. I remember in particular the word abomination being hurled at me on my way out of the door. Fortunately, I was still employed so I managed to get into my own apartment after some couch surfing. Since then I've been up and down; the depression hasn't been pretty but I've managed to convince my mom and her husband that gay people aren't evil and that I'm not going through a phase, impress a family that looked at thought I was an inept sack of shit by kicking ass on living on my own, and meet some really fucking amazing people out here in the middle of nowhere. Right now I'm getting ready to go back to school once my lease expires, and though I've learned a whole lot about being on my own and have built myself some self worth I'm still really uncertain about the future, as I've got dreams of being an actor and a visual artist and I know I'm damn good at both but right now I'm still going untreated for depression. I keep having spells where focusing on anything becomes a herculean task, interacting with others becomes twice so, and my thoughts turn ludicrously self critical and often suicidal. I know I've got awesome friends I can and do call when things get that bad I know it's not a permanent solution nor is it a substitute for proper professional help. I've heard that you can get help while enrolled in school through the college but I'm not sure if that's a good option or not, right now though that's what I'm looking into. Anyhow, thanks for listening, after putting this all to text I feel way better.

[QUOTE=ROFLBURGER;47054930]lol I'm 19 and it's not getting better. My mother says the exact same thing. Sometimes I actually want to blame my mother for all this but I know it's my fault. She doesn't like cooking and her cooking is awful so she gets us junk food most of the time. I keep telling her that I'm trying to watch my weight but she gets shit like doritos. The only one in my family who isn't overweight is my sister. She never eats anything.[/QUOTE] It does suck. My mum was the same when i lived with her. She would buy shit foods and i'd have to eat them because i couldn't afford my own food. Luckily i had a pretty good metabolism and didn't gain THAT much weight but i was getting fatter. My mates noticed first and started calling me "fatty" (although it didn't offend me because our friendship is based on being mean to each other lol) and i FORCED myself to be active. I realised this was a better time than any to go gym. I hated it at first but i forced myself to do it. The first year was shit, no idea what i was doing, scared of everyone at the gym but eventually i saw people there that went at the same time as me and they gave me really good pointers. Now i'm 14stone 8, 6ft tall and i definitely have a lot more muscle than fat. I'm still considered "obese" apparently to stupid online charts but they don't take into account of muscle. When i weighed myself before gym i was 12stone 9 which was considered skimming the obese boundary.. Im now so much happier with myself and also so much more active. I look forward to the gym and it gained me serious confidence. I've also made some pretty good friends and learn shit loads of new stuff. My acne has stopped and my stress levels deplete so much quicker. So many pro's to it and all you have to do is PUSH YOURSELF to get going.

I am thinking about seeing a therapist for a few different issues I have.I have no idea how I go about finding one ,do I try a few before I settle on one ,get a refferal,base it off reviews?

[QUOTE=JesseR92;47063022]I am thinking about seeing a therapist for a few different issues I have.I have no idea how I go about finding one ,do I try a few before I settle on one ,get a refferal,base it off reviews?[/QUOTE] I don't know about Canada, but I think it's prob pretty similar to in the US. There's no reason to look for reviews, but it is OK to shop around. If you do not feel comfortable with a therapist, you can always choose to stop seeing them and find another. As for finding them, generally you'll find 2 types of therapists: psychologists and counselors. Their education is different so their approach will be different. A psychologist will have a PHD and I can't remember what letters counselors have. Also since you are in canada, maybe your government will pay for your visits? Not sure about that one. If you are on private insurance, the website for your insurer will probably have a way to find therapists that they will pay for. Hope that helps.

It's strange. I think I used those wipes on my keyboard, but apparently I'm not afraid to use it. Maybe because the physical contact is minimal. Might be a good starting point.

I work in the field of IT, helpdesk, and it is starting to take a toll on my well being. Literary, my job is killing me slowly from the inside. I have even thought about suicide. Should I quit my job and find another job before it really kills me, or should I stay and endure the pain? I make about $9 an hour in a 40 hour week. Another question, I'm not sure where to ask this but, is Information Technology a shit job?

[QUOTE=E3245;47064280]I work in the field of IT, helpdesk, and it is starting to take a toll on my well being. Literary, my job is killing me slowly from the inside. I have even thought about suicide. Should I quit my job and find another job before it really kills me, or should I stay and endure the pain? I make about $9 an hour in a 40 hour week. Another question, I'm not sure where to ask this but, is Information Technology a shit job?[/QUOTE] I would suggest talking to HR about seeing a counselor before deciding to leave, I think. Depending on the size of your company, you might be able to see one on their dime.

[QUOTE=GeneralSpecific;47064294]I would suggest talking to HR about seeing a counselor before deciding to leave, I think. Depending on the size of your company, you might be able to see one on their dime.[/QUOTE] Yeah, I work for a school district. I could try talking to one of the counselors.

[QUOTE=E3245;47064317]Yeah, I work for a school district. I could try talking to one of the counselors.[/QUOTE] I think that's a great plan, and I hope it works out, which ever way you do end up going :)

[QUOTE=GeneralSpecific;47064333]I think that's a great plan, and I hope it works out, which ever way you do end up going :)[/QUOTE] Forgot to mention. A few hours ago, I talked to several of my coworkers. One of them said that I should try to create a Plan B, so that once I left the company, I wouldn't be unemployed. I talked to another and she said that I should try to stay, since I am good at my job, and everyone depends on me. I talked to one of my closest friends and he suggested that it is my life, and I should do whatever makes me happy.

I'm at a turning point. My family completly teared apart and I completly lost myself. And my bandmates had to cancel the band practice so I didn't have anywhere to go. I felt like shit, I just laid in bed most if the day and then I come home yesterday and they pretend that all is ok. I feel like I'm delusional and cut off from reality. Also I didn't try out for Uni or more school because I'm exhausted. Yet, I want to get away from my parents that are running me into the ground.

Everybody you know in life can and will hurt you but I'm not going to let that happen to me anymore because I've stopped caring about everything