Depression, anxiety, suicidalism and similar disorders, issues and troubles V3 - Discussion, help an - General

Life is shit

I think what scares me most about life is that it's never going to stop. Like, there really aren't any concessions for wanting life to just stop, to be able to just do nothing for a week or something like that. And on the flip side, I don't want to just do nothing all the time, I end up feeling shitty.

Finally got some help that enabled me to find a counselor. Today, I got a prescription after meeting with a professional for Fluoxetine (20MG). Oooooh man; I'm liking this feeling.

I really wish I could just sleep for long periods of time and wake up and check in every month or so.

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I am a mess. I have no work ethic, no coping methods, and am too empathetic for my own good. I'm a complete stoner and I hate it, I don't want to have to smoke weed every day to live with myself. I'm bogged down with classes that are simply put too hard for me. I used to think school was a breeze and I loved the opportunities given to me by the education system, but now I can't even pass my math and science classes. I have no motivation at all to even try. I took the day off school, again. This is probably the third day I haven't gone in the past 2 weeks. Every day it's harder and harder for me to get out of bed. I originally thought that it was because I wasn't getting enough sleep, but now I know that it's because I simply hate leaving the house. I'm scared to take on the day. :(

Hmm I remember having incredibly vivid hallucinations as a very young child, and my vision would go apeshit. I remember telling my parents but I don't think they have a shit. Like I'm talking people's faces trying to speak on walls, or the ceiling fan flipping shit at me. I'm about 25% sure I could hear fake sounds they make. [editline]13th February 2015[/editline] [QUOTE=Inspector Jones;47125054]Finally got some help that enabled me to find a counselor. Today, I got a prescription after meeting with a professional for Fluoxetine (20MG). Oooooh man; I'm liking this feeling.[/QUOTE] Is it fluvoxetine or fluoxetine?

Fuck. Every girl i swear has turned me down just from hello, Its like a year after my last attempt and i sent a msg to a chick wishing her happy v-tines day... No response

[QUOTE=ROFLBURGER;47131655] Is it fluvoxetine or fluoxetine?[/QUOTE] Fluoxetine for sure. No "v" in there. What is the difference?

It's not something I find easy to talk about, but I've been feeling really lost lately. I don't know if it's anything truly troubling at all, but what the hell; might as well get some stuff off of my chest. I feel like my entire existence is an exercise in 'the grass is greener on the other side'. When I'm at home I often get board and want to go out with friends, but then when I go out with friends I usually find myself wishing I were home quite often because when I get tired bed is only a stumble away whereas otherwise... well, it can take quite a while to get home. It might just have more to do with my current circumstances now than anything more fundamentally troubling; I'm about a 40 minute train ride (assuming no major hiccups with public transport) from the city and a 30 minute walk from the station, so getting home when I go out is a pain in the ass (especially if I'm drunk and/or tired; and it's a pain in the ass if it's raining or something). My closest friends live probably a 20 minute drive away (and that's only like two of them; the rest live anywhere between 40 minutes and an hour away) which can make seeing them difficult at times. Furthermore if I'm busy and have shit to do for long periods of time it can start to stress me out a little bit after a while (depending on how pressing it is and how much time I have to sink into it, I suppose), but if I have too much free time I begin to feel shitty and unproductive and my mind turns inward on itself and starts to tear itself apart. It can be a difficult existence sometimes. Doesn't matter what I do I quite often feel like I'm on the wrong side of the fence and the good grass is over there.

Rest in peace Ben Singleton.

I'm fucking depressed when am I going to get better

I decided to be more open about my suicidal thoughts to my psychologist, and she got really worried about me to the point where she gave me her private phone number that I could call whenever I had these thoughts. was really uncomfortable to open up to her like that regarding those thoughts. personally I'm not afraid killing myself as these suicidal thoughts feel more like threats than anything else, not something I would do. perhaps I'm in denial? fooling myself? I've had moments where I've been on the edge of literally stabbing myself in the stomach with a knife just to get away with something minor, moments where I've been in the kitchen wondering if I should harm myself in any way, etc. when thinking about that now, it's fucking stupid, but I can recall the emotions and thoughts going through me when I had these situations, and for some odd reason it felt so incredibly right there and then. [editline]15th February 2015[/editline] I wish I was integrated in a group of people. friends I could interact with away from internet. the closest I get is the people I live with at the ward, wish there was something more than that.

my depression is coming back something fierce (and has been for about a month now), and i dont know why. fuck this fuck this fuck this FUCK THIS

this thread i'm finally home

My recent Dysgraphia and Minor Motor skills diagnostics make me feel like utter garbage, combine that with bipolar and something i dont want to mention because it makes me seem even more pathetic have really pushed me back into a dark place in my life.

I completely unraveled last night. Valentine's Day is usually a not very great day for me, but this time, I was actually pretty alright for the most of it. No extreme jealousy or loneliness or pity parties or anything. I was fine with it all. I tried to go to sleep. I had a dream that I've been having for a few days now. The first time, it was just this group of kids from high school that used to harass me a lot. They were calling me names like "pussy boy nigger" and "loser" and stuff. It shook me up for a while, but I just shrugged it off. It meant nothing to me. Last night, it was way worse. They were chasing me and hooting at me, like they were gonna kill me if they caught up. It seemed to last for hours and hours and I just wanted to end. I thought it actually wasn't a dream for a while. Eventually, I did wake up, sobbing. I felt like I was on the brink of insanity and I didn't know what I was gonna do. I got on Steam and talked to a bunch of people about it just to see if that could ease things. It did for a little bit and I went back to sleep. And now I'm here. I feel numb to everything and back to my old depressed self again. Just once, I'd like to feel truly happy about something. But every time I try and do that, my brain pulls out all the stops to make me feel awful about myself again. For the first time in a while, I felt okay on Valentine's Day, and it's like my brain just punished me for even daring to not feel terrible after I went to sleep. How the fuck do I beat this?

feeling incredibly shitty right now. I don't feel real, nothing feels real. right now this feeling of nothing being real is incredibly strong. this past week its been really bothersome, it's so bad I'm having a hard time trusting my own senses. I smell things, but they don't feel real. I taste, but that doesn't seem real either. it's hard to differentiate between things and it's hard to read what I'm feeling physically. my depth vision is absolutely bonkers right now, it's hard to perceive depth. it all just blends together in a big soup. usually I feel like a spectator of my own life, but right now it feels so god damn unreal I'm having a hard time feeling that I'm a spectator. my short term memory is practically gone. it almost feels like I've been heavily drugged down. [editline]16th February 2015[/editline] I've completely lost touch with reality, I've never felt this sensation as strong as I currently feel it. it's generally passively sitting in the background, but now it's everywhere. I think I might be having a psychotic breakdown

I know I'm hardly the only person feeling shitty this weekend, but...goddamn, I took a running start and swan dived into the pit of despair. I'm not drinking until I'm sick or anything, but I'm hitting the sauce every freaking night for the past week. And I don't even mean going out and getting wasted. I'm literally just sitting in front of my computer getting drunk and listening to music. Very emo. It's just hitting home that my only serious relationship just ended with my girlfriend going crazy, almost starving herself to death, and getting locked up in a clinic halfway across the country...and I wanted it to happen. I was tired of dealing with her and her problems and I wanted something to come screaming in out of the sky and solve it for me. I managed to get the courage for a halfassed "I'm not really into this anymore but we can still behave like nothing is changing" pussy breakup, and a week later she was out of the state. This DID need to happen. It IS a good thing that I am not in that relationship anymore. But I feel horribly guilty about wanting it, and now that she's gone, my life has reverted to being completely empty. I don't have any friends. I barely have any acquaintances. I'm older than everyone I go to school with and that, on top of just being me, makes it impossible to make any new ones. I'm just that weird, probably creepy guy who is way too old to be in college. It's like fuckin Invasion of the Body Snatchers. I look like them, talk like them, but you can see it in their faces that they know [I]I am not like them.[/I] I'm just this fuckin weird townie that really shouldn't be there. Because I shouldn't. I'm there because I screwed up and wasted my youth. It's like I can't even remember how I made a real connection with her in the first place. It feels like a long, elaborate dream, or a thing that happened to someone else. There was a period of time where it really, truly was a happy and fulfilling relationship. Then, in a fucking [I]blink[/I], it was gone, and there is almost nothing to show it actually happened. Just an anomalous blip on the radar of my isolated, anonymous life. Okay, [I]THAT[/I] was emo as all fuck. I need to stop drinking this stuff. tl;dr waaah my girlfriend went crazy and my life is empty and I have no friends tl;dr postscript: wait I have one friend: [IMG]http://static.greatbigcanvas.com/images/square/stockfood/a-glass-of-whisky-on-the-rocks,2053451.jpg?max=128[/IMG]

[QUOTE=Inspector Jones;47138367]Fluoxetine for sure. No "v" in there. What is the difference?[/QUOTE] Oh just asking because I was on fluvox and I fucking hated it

How to cope with intense shame

[QUOTE=ROFLBURGER;47149749]Oh just asking because I was on fluvox and I fucking hated it[/QUOTE] I dont remember the few medications i was on before but the last i ever took was Lithium... Never again, ever in all my life will i take that stuff again.

I feel really empty about college now, after 6 months into my first year it's just the same as school. I've lost all ambition, I used to try hard as fuck and got nothing out of it. I can tell my lecturers have lost respect for me, they know I don't care and that I'm wasting their time, but I want this to be my career, even if it wont be much of a career or maybe it's just because there's nothing else out there for me. Also I used to really want to get to know the people in my classes, but I obviously didn't because I'm socially inept, so now they all talk to each other while I sit in the corner pretending I don't care. Great, high school all over again.

What's the point in trying to be better if nobody around you can see the change, and trying to be better just creates more problems?

illegible rant time anxiety attacks are not fun. I'm getting my wisdom teeth pulled but there are quite a few things that can go wrong considering that god is a cruel person and dentistry has been ultimately shit for me I have an allergic reaction to something that's in toothpaste or something that dentists use. My nasal passages swell up even more (oh forgot to mention that I have some sort of nasal infection that my doctor doesn't seem to give a fuck about, I have had it for ~3 years now and I just gave up on it because he usually just says "just get some saline lol") I had my teeth pulled before and there were complications. I was born with an extra adult tooth and a baby tooth and they had to get those pulled when I was around 10 or 12. I pretty much suffocating the whole time so they had to inject me with something to lighten my breathing. Painful experience. My gums have also swelled to the point where I don't brush as much I should because it's so fucking painful, I just want to cry sometimes because it's so fucking bad. [editline]17th February 2015[/editline] I also hate that I can't cry I try so hard to cry to get it all out but I just can't and I end up having a shitty day unless I engage in unhealthy escapism via playing computer games for 10 hours [editline]17th February 2015[/editline] Time to lay in bed for the rest of the day until I can cry or until my appointment

A lot of people criticize others on this forum for being too open or whatever, and I've never really had a problem with it myself. I've met some of the best people I know on the internet, and the disconnect that the internet has from your life is really freeing, so long as no one tries too hard to dox you or whatever. Right now, I'm experiencing some really nasty anxiety for two reasons: 1. I've been off my medicine for four or five days now because of a weird insurance hiccup that I've fixed. 2. The fact that I have a full-belief in nothing after death is kind of freeing and kind of gives me a feeling that I'm allowed to fail. Everyone's subject to the same endings - it doesn't matter who you are. You could be Hitler or Martin Luther King, Jr, and you're still going to die. I don't really need to do anything - I can toy around and feel out where I need to be in life, and if I fail, so what? There is no consequence. There's no after life, so there's no purpose, and it's up to me to come up with one. However, when I'm off my medications, those thoughts inverse. I become filled with an incredible anxiety that literally physically hurts in my chest, in my stomach, and in my head. Thoughts race cyclically, and that freedom turns into emptiness. What I can't help but focus on is to escape this pain, and wish to be my normal self. It's a want to escape - I don't want to toy around with anything - I want this feeling gone. It feels like I'm being pushed out of my own head - I can try and keep focus on things until my chest feels tighter, and my thoughts start turning into white-noise. I can think logically and feel "separated" enough to even laugh at what's happening to me, until I can't think. I can't sleep, and there's no one that can help me. I get dizzy and I'm not kidding when I say it physically strains me. Thankfully, in the past couple years I've found that medicine helps. Before my medicine, I truly felt like there was no one out there that could help me. With my medicine, things feel easier. Failure feels less daunting. People's perceptions of me don't matter. I'm not paranoid. People in real life laugh with me and have a good time. And that's the note I want to leave for others: sometimes what you need is a person to talk to, and sometimes you need a pill. The second I got on medications, I had a solid foundation to rebuild myself and experience the world again. Sometimes depression and anxiety just ain't logical, and I'm the type of person where everything can be alright but inside can feel like a dystopia. So consider that. [editline]18th February 2015[/editline] [QUOTE=ROFLBURGER;47159506]illegible rant time anxiety attacks are not fun. I'm getting my wisdom teeth pulled but there are quite a few things that can go wrong considering that god is a cruel person and dentistry has been ultimately shit for me I have an allergic reaction to something that's in toothpaste or something that dentists use. My nasal passages swell up even more (oh forgot to mention that I have some sort of nasal infection that my doctor doesn't seem to give a fuck about, I have had it for ~3 years now and I just gave up on it because he usually just says "just get some saline lol") I had my teeth pulled before and there were complications. I was born with an extra adult tooth and a baby tooth and they had to get those pulled when I was around 10 or 12. I pretty much suffocating the whole time so they had to inject me with something to lighten my breathing. Painful experience. My gums have also swelled to the point where I don't brush as much I should because it's so fucking painful, I just want to cry sometimes because it's so fucking bad. [editline]17th February 2015[/editline] I also hate that I can't cry I try so hard to cry to get it all out but I just can't and I end up having a shitty day unless I engage in unhealthy escapism via playing computer games for 10 hours [editline]17th February 2015[/editline] Time to lay in bed for the rest of the day until I can cry or until my appointment[/QUOTE] Let them know about your conditions beforehand. My mom and I have weird complications when it comes to dentistry and hospitalization in general: Whenever I'm at the dentist, nothing gets me numb. They can give me something that would numb a hefty man's mouth, but I feel everything. It's horrendous. My mom has a much worse problem than me, in that she can't be numbed (allergies to pain medications), and every time she goes under she has a much greater chance of not waking up again. It's extremely hard to get her out from under anesthesia, and when we do get her out she's a barely conscious mess. So they do this weird balancing act of making sure they give her just enough, but on one occasion she's waken up in the middle of surgeries where they literally have her cut open because they didn't give her enough. However, ever since these things have happened, we've always just addressed these things with the doctor beforehand and they do their best to work around it. The next time I go to the doctor, they're going to have to use an alternative to numbing (perhaps putting me to sleep or whatever), and my mom hasn't had an accident for her last few surgeries. I'd just let them know what the deal is and open up that you're really nervous about it. That's something else that helps me cope with anxiety is just being straight up with people. [editline]18th February 2015[/editline] [QUOTE=Booker K;47151830]I'm so sick of being stressed out. Last week had been perfectly fine for me, I didn't have any issues going on, and I had a great Valentine's day with my best friends. But last night, everything went bad. Me and my best friends were just hanging out on Skype, talking about things going on lately, and I felt like talking about my previous issues, and how glad I was to have my friends always be there for me when I had problems. All of the sudden when the subject changed, my friends got mad at each other over something, I couldn't really tell what, and I felt like it was my fault they got mad. I literally thought my venting caused them to feel upset or something, and they told me that it's not my fault. I still feel like it is my fault however, and I've been stressing over it. I got a headache from my stress last night, and I barely got any sleep, then woke up too early with a stomach ache. [B]I'm just sick of my mind playing horrible tricks like these on me, and making me feel like absolute shit.[/B] I love my best friends so much, and I hate to see them mad. Sometimes I'm just way too misunderstood about things.[/QUOTE] Like I said earlier in the post, depression and anxiety aren't necessarily logical things to work out. I have a friend who successfully worked with a therapist to pinpoint the "why's" for his depression, but I'm not that way. If this is a reoccuring problem, I'd recommend seeing a therapist first, then asking about medicine if nothing's working.

I think i'm literally going insane, even though the things in life are fitting into place and i have a direction of my future, i fucking hate my Bipolar. I've been teetering on the edge of self pain and rampant medicine taking again all for no reason, i fucking hate this piece of shit mind of mine,.

I've been feeling extremely odd these past couple of days/weeks. It's like I'm really tired; I don't want to go anywhere, do any school work, study, interact with anyone that isn't my friend, which isn't good because my grades have been going downhill. Maybe it's for the best tho, maybe next year I'll get thrown into a class that I can actually keep up with, one where I won't fall down to the bottom if I get a grade that amounts to a B+.

So I've had this group of friends for like 4 years now. Deep down inside I know that I am not really close with them, like I always see other friends be. They have always been inviting me to their parties, up until about a year ago. The last time I was drinking with them was at my last birthday -- My next birthday is in less than 3 months. They only smoke with me if I bring the weed. I have a feeling that they're trying to cut me off, or that they are simply "tolerating" my presence. When I am near people I can do stuff like small talk, but never really hilarious conversations and stuff. Yeah I can have good conversations but it's always 80% them 20% me and I hate myself for it. I just want to hang out and/or drink with friends at times and meet new people but it's almost as if I have some kind of reputation for something I don't know about, as most people in school try to keep their conversations with me short lived. I have been diagnosed with PDD-NOS (It's autism spectrum but much milder than asperger) and am prescribed Ritalin which is amazing for giving me good grades but it makes my social abilities even worse. How can I regain my self-confidence? How do I meet new people and actually be close? Do I really have a reputation or is it just a reflection of my body language that deters people? Is there some kind of miracle prescription drug that improves my social skills? I don't act like a sperglord, it's just that I am trying to come up with things to say to people but there's nothing. When they make jokes, I find them funny but if I'm having a 1 on 1 conversation I need to fake a grin and a nose-exhaulation noise because I just can't laugh. Man I don't even know if this is the right thread when I'm reading all these other posts but I have had this problem all of my life already and I just want it to stop. ps i tried all those overcome social hardships guides but i never got them right

entire family comes into my room and gives me this card thing so i open it and see [t]http://i.imgur.com/kQ2Gxw7.jpg[/t] i dont even know what to say. this means so much to me.