Depression, anxiety, suicidalism and similar disorders, issues and troubles V3 - Discussion, help an - General

[QUOTE=Magic Scrumpy;47168302]entire family comes into my room and gives me this card thing so i open it and see [t]http://i.imgur.com/kQ2Gxw7.jpg[/t] i dont even know what to say. this means so much to me.[/QUOTE] Wish my family were like this, and not the cunts that pretty much exacerbated my situation for years.

Been on sertraline tablets for four weeks now. Still feel like shit.

my feeling of everything being unreal seems to be gradually getting worse. Sunday, which I recall as the day where I experienced my first real intense feeling of it happened on Tuesday, yesterday and yesterday's feeling has carried over to today. before this I experienced a slightly more intense than usual but not as strong as now feeling of it at times which I read as being exhausted/hungry/dehydrated but giving in to these needs never helped. it doesn't seem to sit passively in the background anymore, its real aggressive. I was completely out of it yesterday and it's really in the way for me today as well. it's hard to socialize, short term memory is extremely weak, and I'm experiencing some sort of weird eye sight thing. it's hard to separate objects in the world, they all just seem to float into each other with no lines. seems like my perception of depth takes a hit when I'm hit with the more intense rounds of nothing feeling real [editline]19th February 2015[/editline] it constantly feels like I've smoked too much pot

I'm not completely sure if this is the right thread for this, but it goes hand in hand with moments of depression so I guess it does. That and I need a shoulder to cry on and a way to vent. Context. I'm a Autistic Manchild 20 years of age trying to learn basic programming in college. Slight history of mood swings and take Fluoxetine for depression. And I constantly have to ask teachers for help with certain assignments due to not understanding basic concepts. Today I was trying to talk to my teacher about one part of my assignment which in a confusing way said "Give the price a cap so that reaching it won't raise it further.". Me being dumb and forgetful, I ask my teacher on how to put in the cap. But the teacher interpreted it as simply saying "If it reaches 24 hours. The price is X". Which was the price cap. She tried explaining that and I try explaining what the assignment was actually saying. Constantly trying to tell her yet failing horribly, (She may or may not have interrupted my explanation. I'm not sure myself at this point.). At the end she yelled at me, not knowing what I did wrong (I probably raised my voice but I didn't feel it reaching shouting levels.) I became angry. I yelled back at her calling her a moron and rude shit like that, stormed off and after I realized that I fucking broke down crying. After being calmed down by a few teachers I had to go home and here I am, still tearing up like a goddamn child.

[QUOTE=PredGD;47170620]my feeling of everything being unreal seems to be gradually getting worse. Sunday, which I recall as the day where I experienced my first real intense feeling of it happened on Tuesday, yesterday and yesterday's feeling has carried over to today. before this I experienced a slightly more intense than usual but not as strong as now feeling of it at times which I read as being exhausted/hungry/dehydrated but giving in to these needs never helped. it doesn't seem to sit passively in the background anymore, its real aggressive. I was completely out of it yesterday and it's really in the way for me today as well. it's hard to socialize, short term memory is extremely weak, and I'm experiencing some sort of weird eye sight thing. it's hard to separate objects in the world, they all just seem to float into each other with no lines. seems like my perception of depth takes a hit when I'm hit with the more intense rounds of nothing feeling real [editline]19th February 2015[/editline] it constantly feels like I've smoked too much pot[/QUOTE] The last time i experienced stuff like that was when i was on lithium. Imagine not even feeling alive, not even knowing things are happening around you. It literally felt like i was on a seperate plane of existance. Apparently i sat staring at a wall for an hour once and terrified the shit out of my then girlfriend. Never again.

[QUOTE=PredGD;47170620]my feeling of everything being unreal seems to be gradually getting worse. Sunday, which I recall as the day where I experienced my first real intense feeling of it happened on Tuesday, yesterday and yesterday's feeling has carried over to today. before this I experienced a slightly more intense than usual but not as strong as now feeling of it at times which I read as being exhausted/hungry/dehydrated but giving in to these needs never helped. it doesn't seem to sit passively in the background anymore, its real aggressive. I was completely out of it yesterday and it's really in the way for me today as well. it's hard to socialize, short term memory is extremely weak, and I'm experiencing some sort of weird eye sight thing. it's hard to separate objects in the world, they all just seem to float into each other with no lines. seems like my perception of depth takes a hit when I'm hit with the more intense rounds of nothing feeling real [editline]19th February 2015[/editline] it constantly feels like I've smoked too much pot[/QUOTE] I'm having this as well, it's alot more frequent now. I feel like I am standing still, all the while the world around me is passing by as one 2d image

Its funny, I actually feel a hell of a lot less emo (I don't like to use the word depressed in relation to how sad someone is, because when you do that you just destil the word to mean simply sad or unwell versus *really* sad and unwell) when I am off theese antidepressants here. I actually want to post more on this topic (as well as advice for people - Never give in, never give up and never surrender is all I really can say right now) but there are currently complications in the matter which is all I am willing to say about that. Nonetheless! If any of you need a shoulder to cry on or simply someone to talk to, I'm here.

feeling sort of overwhelmed with the feeling of loneliness, but at the same time I want to be alone. the feeling of not being a person, that everything is unreal, is just as strong as when it started. it doesn't go back to sitting in the background, its being a real attention whore right now. unhappy with how life is in general. I'm not sure how to tackle times where I have nothing to do. it's a repeating pattern I notice, I always get really depressed and sad every weekend as I have nothing to do to occupy myself. how does one manage to live a happy life at times where nothing is going on? it has to be possible, but it's hard to imagine. what does one do to keep thoughts away when there's nothing putting the attention away from them? not sure how I'm supposed to tackle work this upcoming week seeing as this intense feeling of being unreal hasn't disappeared. I can't work like this. feel like I need to find new people to be with. all I currently have are people who are struggling, and no ill thoughts to those, but it's both hard and tiring to devote time to them. I can't do anything about it, they won't do anything about their situation, and it ends up with me being a concerned person who gets mentally drained because of them. I don't need that on top of my current problems. I can't deal with people who struggle who keeps talking/hinting at their problems but refuse to get help. it's just a big self pity party. I remember thinking it'd be nice if I had friends who struggled themselves, but it's really not. depression and its ill cousins are such selfish disorders which I don't want to be part of from an external perspective. makes one think really. depression doesn't only affect themselves, but everyone they have contact with as well. it's mentally tiring to devote time to a person who is depressed and that alone requires a decent amount of strength. it's generally a friendship which has one giving 100% with the other part giving much less. who wants to be in that kind of friendship?

I feel like I haven't made a close friend in like 3 years, those I did have are now out of my life and I have like 5 actual friends I could go to talk to about personal issues, the rest are just people I play videogames with. These friends are mostly online too, since I left school I haven't been able to make a strong connection with people, those that call me friends very rarely ever contact me outside of work. If I try to talk to new people it usually lasts about a day or 2 before it seems like a chore to force conversation. It really gets to me because I actually used to be really popular once upon a time.. Not sure what happened.

I've been ill since Christmas. I have a really chesty cough that keeps me awake at night, makes me sweat buckets and keeps me exhausted on a daily basis. There's a lot of phlegm but I can never cough it up without vomiting, so I've lost a lot of weight. I've been taking doxycycline pills since January and they don't help. My doctor keeps giving them to me anyway, because nothing else they gave me seemed to work. They're beginning to make me feel like shit. I lose more energy from taking them everyday. I don't interact with my friends as much as I used to because I always feel so tired, and I recently lost a close friend because they felt I was being too negative around them. It makes most things harder the more I attempt them. I barely get my college work finished and I nearly fall into sleep when the teacher talks in class. When my friends go to a bar or something during lunch, I try my best to be social and my usual self, but it just comes out so forced and unnatural. They don't invite me out to their group gatherings anymore because they think I'm awkward or not interested. I'm worried in case this is going to go on for the rest of the year. I don't know what can get me better since I've been to the doctor so many times, telling them the medicine simply doesn't work, and they keep suggesting I take it and that it's not the cause for any mental problems. I've never heard of an on-going cough/fever being any related symptom to depression or anxiety or whatever. I'd like to think I have neither. But this has gone on for so long that it's affecting my social life and the ability to look after myself in general.

[QUOTE=Vashe;47179821]I feel like I haven't made a close friend in like 3 years, those I did have are now out of my life and I have like 5 actual friends I could go to talk to about personal issues, the rest are just people I play videogames with. These friends are mostly online too, since I left school I haven't been able to make a strong connection with people, those that call me friends very rarely ever contact me outside of work. If I try to talk to new people it usually lasts about a day or 2 before it seems like a chore to force conversation. It really gets to me because I actually used to be really popular once upon a time.. Not sure what happened.[/QUOTE] This is an issue I can actually relate to. My best advice is to stick yourself in some relevent IRC chat rooms and the like and to always keep yourself open for contact so if people WANT to go over and talk to you directly, they can!

feel like I've written a lot about it for the past few days, but I can't help myself. this feeling of being unreal just doesn't scale down again. its been at its most intense for several days now where I've been completely out of the game. I'm unable to socialize, nor am I able to do a lot of things due to this. since Wednesday I've pretty much been stuck in my bed. every limb feels so heavy. it feels like I'm about to lose conciousness at any time, this is such an uncomfortable feeling. I'm able to function if there's only a single person talking with me, but I have such an easy time falling off the trail. I keep forgetting what we talk about, it's a big mess. it feels like I'm teleporting or time travelling. there's so many segments that just disappears as if they never happened. sounds feel much sharper in an uncomfortable way, everything I see feels so distant as if they don't exist. I wish I knew how to cope with this or at least temporarily get it away. I know I'm scheduled to be put on anti psychotics, but that's not until Monday and the doctor said it'll most likely take 2 weeks for them to work. how do I keep in touch with reality until then? reality feels like a celestial mass, like Earth, while space is, well, space which is nothing. right now it feels like I'm in space. wish there was a way to tie myself to reality with a rope so I wouldn't float away.

I don't like being sober

[QUOTE=Crpto2007;47186374]I don't like being sober[/QUOTE] Same. I've noticed when I'm sober I overthink my actions and worry too much over it, like when you think about the action whilst you're doing it and you mess up etc, or when you think too much about the words coming out your mouth and it messes up/forget what you want to say. At least when I'm slightly drunk, everything flows.

-snip- Nevermind

I'm a completely different person when I drink and I don't like the sober me. My personality changes and I feel more alive [editline]22nd February 2015[/editline] The reason I'm posting this is because I want to feel better sober too even though it's very unlikely I will find happiness sober why the Fuck am I never happy

When does the pain end? how loud do I need to shout to be heard? how do I become what people want me to be? do my half-baked aspirations even matter? Why good is in there in trying if nothing I do even leaves footprints behind in the snow? Why good is there in feelilng when feeling guilty is seen as you wanting to only cause drama? What good is sleeping when it makes no difference? What good are friends when they leave you? What good is having video games if you have nobody to play with? What good is speaking up when people won't hear you?

Hate being an introvert.

[QUOTE=Bleach Qeef;47195307]Hate being an introvert.[/QUOTE] I dunno man, sometimes its nice.

why did this sudden feeling of unrealness pop up just now, just over a month since I got a job? more and more holes have popped up due to me not feeling up for work, and last week I was away all week with the last day being due to this feeling of everything being unreal. I'm not fit for work this week at all with this feeling. I don't know how to explain this to my boss without being straight forward with him, and it's not very tempting to be straight forward about these issues. I function decently when alone, on my computer or in an environment where there isn't too much going on. I can socialize with a single person at the time, but toss one more into the mix and I become very unresponsive and generally overwhelmed. I was going to complain about the noise from some music two days ago, and I got so confused. I went up and was only able to focus on the loud music. all that came out of my mouth was some incoherent sentences about how the music was too loud. I was unable to focus on anything else, nor was I able to properly react to anything but the music. I ended up silently going downstairs again with my mother confused since I realized just how incoherent I was being. luckily for me she is understanding so it resolved itself, but it's a really odd feeling not being able to focus on more than one thing at the time. I lose myself too easily. I keep forgetting where I am.

I just can't control my anger, the littlest things make me angry, even my friends seem to make me angry through no fault of their own and I just fly off the handle and say or do nasty things and then fall into that hole of regret and feeling apologetic, apologize and then do it all over again with a week or two. Functioning alone is not possible and these people I consider to honestly be the only thing that keeps me going, I am stuck without employment and that is what I believe to be the cause of it but it's just not something that can be solved overnight and no matter how hard I try I can't land any employment or support to help me resolve my issues. In a way I just don't want to be involved with them because it's just going to keep happening, I'll do some stupid shit and alienate myself for the umpteenth time. Fucking hell I hardly eat or sleep because my mind is racing full of issues related to what I just typed but I dare never explain to my family let alone the people it affects or could affect.

I don't know if this is depression or just me being a massive pussy but it's bothering me badly. Every time someone is a dick to me, I get completely crippled for days. Someone yelled at me for taking their seat on a bus (they were fucking younger than me and half my size) and I was completely crippled for like a week. Today someone on CS:GO yelled at me and kicked me for fucking up, and I've been so absolutely crushed all day. What the fuck is my problem

I just joined this forum after lurking for a few days. I keep coming back to this thread because it reminds me that I'm not the only one who goes through shit and I'm actually not crazy. Thought I would go ahead and throw my problem out there for my first post before talking about good old video games. So I'm 22 years old and a major introvert after I got major depression my first year of college. (Basically got used and strung on by a girl for the longest time) Anyway, it's been about 2 and a half years since then and it still has me fucked up. Not because I'm mad at the girl or anything, I could give less shits about her at this point, but because of that happening I now have huge trust issues and I feel like I'm so stupid for allowing it to happen to me. (Looking back it was pretty obvious what she was doing) The trust issues made me very introverted and hateful to everyone. And on top of that I now have developed extremely low self-esteem and social phobia. I'm constantly thinking random strangers are laughing at me or judging me all the time. I'm hyper-aware of everyone around me now and it's exhausting. Meaning I can't help but to try to ease-drop what everyone around me is saying and watch to see if they are looking at me. You should try it one day, guarantee you will be exhausted before half the day is over. If I do hear my name or see people looking towards me while talking and I can't hear what they are saying I will have a panic attack and have to leave the room or area and go sit down for awhile and calm myself. I'm making life way too hard on myself, but I can't help it.

I went through a life crisis recently and it's not really over yet because now there's a new problem. I swear it's like my life is cursed

Took another day off school, feel really shitty about it. Teachers and friends are starting to notice my increased absences. I am pretty much running on stimulants. I currently have a prescription to ritalin, I'm trying to change it to adderall as it's more powerful, just so that I can have an interest in classes and life. I am so fucking bored in school it's uncanny. I smoke cigarettes, and as much as I hate them they are just another simple stimulant that boost my mood for a bit. I vape in school with my ecig, normally 3 times a day in the bathroom stalls before classes start. The only time I get anything done at all is when I take a prescription stimulant. I pretty much abuse them at this point. I'm taking 30-40mg per day. 20mg extended release in the morning, 10mg instant release at lunch, sometimes 10mg more when I get home. There have been a few occasions where I have snorted these, definitely an enjoyable experience at the time. Come down is a force to reckon with, though. Today my parents got pissed at me essentially because I don't give a shit about anything. My mom is frustrated because "she does so much for me and I don't try at all in return." I don't want to do anything at all, and I'm terrified because I want to be someone, I want to do something with my life. I just am scared.

[QUOTE=Saya-;47201009]I just joined this forum after lurking for a few days. I keep coming back to this thread because it reminds me that I'm not the only one who goes through shit and I'm actually not crazy. Thought I would go ahead and throw my problem out there for my first post before talking about good old video games. So I'm 22 years old and a major introvert after I got major depression my first year of college. (Basically got used and strung on by a girl for the longest time) Anyway, it's been about 2 and a half years since then and it still has me fucked up. Not because I'm mad at the girl or anything, I could give less shits about her at this point, but because of that happening I now have huge trust issues and I feel like I'm so stupid for allowing it to happen to me. (Looking back it was pretty obvious what she was doing) The trust issues made me very introverted and hateful to everyone. And on top of that I now have developed extremely low self-esteem and social phobia. I'm constantly thinking random strangers are laughing at me or judging me all the time. I'm hyper-aware of everyone around me now and it's exhausting. Meaning I can't help but to try to ease-drop what everyone around me is saying and watch to see if they are looking at me. You should try it one day, guarantee you will be exhausted before half the day is over. If I do hear my name or see people looking towards me while talking and I can't hear what they are saying I will have a panic attack and have to leave the room or area and go sit down for awhile and calm myself. I'm making life way too hard on myself, but I can't help it.[/QUOTE] I've had that same situation from when I was younger, but it was when I was inexperienced with girls. I do get the feeling of paranoia about "random strangers laughing/judging me" too, but you have to realise it isn't aimed at you and it's just your brain tricking you. I drew positives from it and developed myself when dealing with girls I like. I'm now much confident and can easily get their number, etc (if they of course like me) because girls aren't all the same. You may come across one that puts you back into that situation, but you gain experience and brush it off, if not now then you will at some point. I learned to not care about the world around you and trying to please everyone, always keep smiling even if you have to fake it. Nobody is saying bad things about you, they could be saying GOOD things about you. Fake it til' you make it. REMEMBER, you're only making things worse for yourself by dwelling on this when you could be using that time to enjoy yourself and have fun. That's why I hate overthinking.

[QUOTE=Bleach Qeef;47195307]Hate being an introvert.[/QUOTE] I know that struggle. It can really suck not being able to (or not wanting to, when you know you should) communicate with people. Extroversion can definitely be learned though. Freshman year of college I was paralyzed by the very thought of talking to people. A year later though, and I socialize with relative ease. You kinda just have to force yourself to talk to people at the beginning. At that stage it can be pretty awkward, then I learned that 'awkwardness' is nothing more than what we make it out to be. If something suddenly seems awkward try to be like - "Nah, I'm not about to feel that way about this trivial situation," then you just play it off into something funny or whatever. Anyone struggling with confidence or social probs should check out Simple Pickup [media]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2iGk87bug2s[/media] Their style is about A LOT more than just getting laid. It's about the mindset that allows you to get laid - which is pretty much just being confident and comfortable with yourself.

I'm upset for all the wrong reasons. I just blew $1000 on a computer 4 months ago and it;s catching up to me now. I should have looked into it but I didn't and I hate myself for it. It's just everything about this problem is shit. I got the money in a shit way that makes me feel awful, I spent the money in a shit way that makes me feel awful, I'm bitching about a first world problem that makes me feel awful. I have no disposable income so $1000 is a lot of money for me. I done this before, I dropped $500 on a pointless airsoft gun because I'm a dumbass who wanted to get into airsoft and thought it would be cool. I ended up getting a very fucking bad scratch on it and fucked it up ever more trying to repair it so now it's probably not worth shit anymore so I just can't sell it on craigslist or anything. I could've used that money towards something better in life instead of a computer that's arguably preventing me from doing anything useful with my life.

It's been a rough day. Currently only my mom and I are home. My dad is working for the UN in ghana and my sister is on a jewish-legacy-trip in poland. My dad woke me up today in the morning via phonecall to tell me that our neighbor, a good family friend and my mom's best friend in the entire town, passed away. She went to get a heart cath and the surgeons fumbled something up and broke her main artery, and since that shitty hospital does heart operations without having an emergency cardiology department they had to send her to a hospital near Tel-Aviv. She died during transit. That fucking operation was supposed to go smoothly, but due to what I could only call disgraceful malpractice she's gone. My mom is devastated, her poor husband is all alone and her kids (which are in their mid-20s to late-30s) are absolutely broken. She was 62 at the time of death, but was young in spirit and pretty healthy for her age, the heart cath was supposed to help her avoid genetic heart conditions. Her elderly mother is pretty much shattered. I can't imagine what it feels like to lose a child so late in your life, it's like a kick to the face. I saw people today that you could tell would never be the same again, like someone turned a switch off in their brain, and they really don't deserve it. Makes me realize how cruel life is sometimes, but also reminds me that I have to live every day like it's my last. I'm also pretty worried about the lack of "reaction" on my part, ever since I started taking Lexapro I've been feeling like my emotions are "muted", making me pretty apathetic when confronted with stress or grief. I wish life was simpler. blrgh.

Things are finally starting getter better in my home life. Both my parents are back in work after being out of work for awhile. I don't think I can handle if anything bad happens again though I never want to go through what I went through again. I Still can't believe all this shit happened to me and my family it was the worst thing ever. I need things to stay better