Depression, anxiety, suicidalism and similar disorders, issues and troubles V3 - Discussion, help an - General

got kicked out of my school for not attending because it makes me too anxious next up: losing apartment stay tuned

[QUOTE=Fourier;47308849] [editline]12th March 2015[/editline] You are not defective, just... you like stuff others people don't and that what makes you stand out. And you probably hate yourself because you are different. But you are logical person, aren't you? Isn't not hating yourself better way to cope with life?[/QUOTE] It's the disappointment. Not just from my parents since I moved back home but even at work. Five years ago I was about to set out on my own and while I knew it wasn't going to be easy I was still ambitious. I knew people. I had connections. I had an apartment that overlooked downtown Vancouver and I had no issues paying the rent and getting to work on time every day to my own office. Yet here I am in my parents basement. Everything I worked so hard for five years ago is gone. I'm surrounded by amazing and wonderful stuff but have nothing to show for my efforts besides empty beer cans, an ashtray and overflowing garbage cans of candy wrappers and chip bags. I don't want to be here. I really do not. I have zero expectations of my future even 10 years from now. I fill shelves all night and am a bitter caretaker for my parents during the day. Remove either component form that basic equation and well, I'm dead.

[QUOTE=GayIlluminati;47301181]A little over a week ago, I had a cocked luger in my mouth, pointed directly at my cranial matter. I'm still trying to find one reason, however miniscule, as to why I didn't just pull the trigger.[/QUOTE] dude you own a luger thats like a reason and a half shooting yourself with a luger at any point after 1945 is super lame but shooting a luger at stuff is super cool go shoot your luger at stuff but not people

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suddenly struck me that life consists of loops. I look forward to something, it finally gets there, nothing happens for a while, I look forward to something, etc. life just feels so meaningless in general. I'm not hinting at suicide or anything, life just feels so empty to begin with. why do people bother? I've gotten noticeably less energy than before. I could be content with fiddling around with something for a while, but now I just can't be arsed. standing is tiring, walking is tiring, it feels like all my muscles departed. I just want to sit down and do nothing, yet I want to do everything. I don't like life. it doesn't feel tailored to my way of my thinking [editline]13th March 2015[/editline] I wish I could learn something new, but it's so exhausting. my attention span is non exsistant. all I want is to sleep all day. I don't feel like a real person, I just feel like a spectator of everything. it's such an odd feeling. [editline]13th March 2015[/editline] my life feels like a failure. a waste so far. even if I get better, I still gotta hold onto the fact that I wasted such a large portion of my life. what if I don't get better? what if my psychosis doesn't go away? what if I wind up dependant on medicines? what if I won't be able to do any of the things I want in life? lots of what ifs. I feel like a mess. I can't focus on anything. I'm easy to confuse. my medicine was supposed to make it go away, but it's still there. I can function socially, but it's easy for me to fall off track if too much happens. I'm noticeably reduced compared to before. I feel like I'm on a downwards spiral [editline]13th March 2015[/editline] I don't feel like anyone takes me seriously. at least from my own perspective, I've seen so many people make false diagnoses for attention. mental issues is such a typical place to harbour attention to one self. it desaturates it all for those who actually struggles.

I'm so pissed right now all I did was ask a few questions and I get yelled at

I honestly can't stand my brother. I never liked him. If I'm in his way he says move. It's probably bad to say you hate someone but I really hate him

[QUOTE=Zezibesh;47312551]got kicked out of my school for not attending because it makes me too anxious next up: losing apartment stay tuned[/QUOTE] That sucks to hear, surely if you can get a Doctors note, they'll take you back in there?

[QUOTE=CommitSudoku;47321965]That sucks to hear, surely if you can get a Doctors note, they'll take you back in there?[/QUOTE] Getting kicked out is fine, I hated the place anyway. It's just the consequences that will suck

Can't stand this shit. Sitting around, and I plug the projector in for less than two hours, and I get screamed at by my Dad, everything kicks off and everything comes out. Told my dad the reason why I tried to commit suicide, and he sits there like everythings fine, really sick of living in this shit hole. I can't wait to move out to University, it's the easiest ticket that I have to get out of this place, and it can't come soon enough. This is the only motivation I need. :/

I've just been so depressed for the last few months. Most of it just stems from loneliness. I met the girl of my fucking dreams, we used to talk for hours, but we just stopped, never got past the "basic friend" stage, and she barely notices me anymore. I know it probably sounds dumb to get depressed over something like not being in a relationship (other things are contributing to this too), but I'm just so lonely, I need someone I can just hug and talk to, someone who would listen and love me.

Routinely freaking the fuck out with thoughts of suicide and overwhelming anxiety. I'm getting too old for this haha. I'd like to just make progress but I kind of signed a contract that prevents me from doing what I'd like to do for six years, and also prevents me from speaking a word about sleeping in. There really isn't anything to be happy about. I fucked myself slowly my entire life. I'm not even posting on my alt about this anymore. I think if something doesn't change tomorrow I'll give up. I don't care enough to grow callus.

[QUOTE=LTJGPliskin;47325957]I've just been so depressed for the last few months. Most of it just stems from loneliness. I met the girl of my fucking dreams, we used to talk for hours, but we just stopped, never got past the "basic friend" stage, and she barely notices me anymore. I know it probably sounds dumb to get depressed over something like not being in a relationship (other things are contributing to this too), but I'm just so lonely, I need someone I can just hug and talk to, someone who would listen and love me.[/QUOTE] Everyone needs that bro. Your'e not alone man. We got this.

[QUOTE=skynrdfan3;47284202]I could hardly speak on yall's individual anxieties, but I can say that most, if not all of them are rooted within the mind. The incredible truth is that we are not our minds. Our minds feel the need to chatter all the time so we can have something to identify with. This is our ego at work. There is incredible power in realizing that all thoughts of personal worthlessness and lack of faith in one's self are just smoke and mirrors created by the mind. This isn't to say the negative effects of overthinking are not serious - they definitely are. But when you start treating the uncontrolled mind as something like a child, rather than your actual self, amazing things can happen. This is all coming from personal experience given that over the course of a year I went from full-on crisis mode to being considerably zen and present, practically anxiety-free. This type of thinking (or lack thereof) started when I picked up [url=http://www.amazon.com/Power-Now-Guide-Spiritual-Enlightenment/dp/1577314808/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1425863473&sr=1-1&keywords=power+of+now][I]The Power of Now[/I][/url] by Eckhart Tolle. I HIGHLY suggest that book. Definite game changer! It resonates more and more every time I read it. This video touches the tip of the iceberg of his amazing book. [media]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dTFDfR47dl4[/media][/QUOTE] I'm not even kidding but reading this book has been so tremendously life changing. Everyone should try it out.

Why do I rip myself to shreds so much when I do something stupid,[B] especially[/B] if it involves my friends. I feel like such a god damn asshole at the minute.

I really didn't want to post here again; I honestly dislike the idea of venting problems in a public space but, I'm just not in a good place and I feel like part of it is because I keep trying to keep it bottled up. I've been going to therapy for a while, several months now actually, and while it's helped a tad, I feel I'm approaching the same kind of low I was in before I started, and that's with weekly sessions. (Although technically I'm approaching over a full week without one (scheduling around an always changing work week is kind of difficult.)) I'm learning things about how my brain works but now I'm hitting a point where I need to make more changes. (Or actually make changes I keep telling myself to make.) Friends are an important part of my life, extremely important. But it's a part that I contradict on a regular basis; I'm an extremely shy and, after the kind of social lives I've had, fairly paranoid person. I believe I've posted here before about it, (in fact, on friendships and everything in general...it's an ongoing issue,) but I've had a lot of real life and online friendships go bad, sometimes my fault but often not. My issue right now is that I have these friends. I really like them, they don't all know each other but we all share similar interests and I've been hanging out with them for over a year now. It got to the point where I was too open about my problems and got too comfortable being drunk and all of it together began to wear on them. The ones that did know each other began to talk about me, and finally this was all told to me when one of them got tired of hearing about a problem of mine and scolded me for what I was doing to them. I deserved it, I totally did. (I do feel a bit of contempt though, it's really not fair to have them think this and never tell me until it drives one of them crazy enough to. [I]That[/I] doesn't help me.) And I've been really trying hard to get better but one of the things I did was isolate myself from everyone I knew. This made things worse, because I became much more depressed and unable to do anything that I wanted to do. I want to fix this, I want to be able to resume normal contact with them as a better, stronger person but I can't force myself out of it. Having these problems, and not being able to solve it myself makes me feel weak. It just makes me want to run away even more. I don't want to be that guy who's just always depressed. I know I'm going to be depressed sometimes, but all the time? And I'm just not naturally outgoing either, unless I've had a really good day (or a lot of coffee,) I tend to wait for one of them to talk to me. My brain equates them not starting a conversation to not [I]wanting[/I] to start a conversation which wreaks havoc with my self esteem and I know quite a lot of people feel the same way so sometimes I try to be the one to start it, just to break that but it shouldn't be like that all the time. I want to feel wanted too. I guess it's hard to be wanted if you've gained the depressed reputation that I've had but, I want to fix it. (My issue with starting conversations is mainly that most of the time I don't have anything to say. If I make small talk, it sounds contrived. But if I don't start a conversation, a conversation almost never happens. And then my brain starts telling me that they don't want to talk to me and I should just sulk. I know it's incorrect but stuff like this can't keep being the conversation. It's not like we don't all share mutual interests, there [I]are[/I] things to talk about.) If I can't get better without being with my friends and I can't be with my friends without getting better, what do I do? --This is the question. I've been reading up on depressive and anxiety disorders, I have an appointment with a psychiatrist soon so I'm hoping to know if there's an imbalance that keeps this happening or just some way I can combat it medically or more straight forward, combined with talk therapy but it's still over a week away. All those online tests, which I know are not a real diagnosis, all say I have at least some kind of disorder. I just want to be better. I've been getting out of bed past 3PM every day for the last two weeks (unless I've had work earlier or a therapy session,) no amount of good thoughts or positive habit changes or anything has done anything to change that. I apologize for the long-ish post. It's some of the things I wish I could say to some people but, they either probably already know or I've said it before and it just doesn't mean anything anymore. I want to be a good friend, I don't want people to leave me anymore and I don't want to force myself out because I feel like I can't handle it. I like these people, I [I]really like[/I] these people. Some of them are actually on here; I'm stuck between wanting them to come across it since I'm too anxious to talk to them about it. Anyway, I'm gonna press the submit button now.

As someone who overcame intense depression and anxiety (and still deals with a lesser form of it today) let me just say to those who actually think about taking their lives, that no matter how bad things are, you will always have the ability to make them better, and if you think not, then time will. Even if you don't feel that you have that ability right now, and even if the future looks dark, unless you're serving a life sentence prison, a victim of disease, or suffering from any other sort of reality that would permanently inhibit you, things will get better, and you have that power. Look at your hands, those very same human hands built incredible monuments, paintings, signed documents of freedom and wrote pieces of literature that live on hundreds of years past their conception. If you leave the long life you have ahead of you now you'll never find out what would have been to come, what you would have lived to become. The brightest stars emerge from darkness. Remember that many who achieved great things did so out of past grief and despair, which they learned to use to motivate them. So consider this: This week of your life will be spent making subtle changes. Formulate a routine and stick with it. It takes 20 days to make a habit, take 15 minutes to go outside and take a walk, Talk to a friend once a day. Put some headphones on and listen to music, take in nature, it's sights, sounds, breath deeply, embrace life in its purest form, ignore the illusions created by humanity, social obligations, work, etc... Free your mind as if you had no obligations, no priorities, no pursuits, just pure ignorant bliss and freedom. Make this spiritual walk your daily routine, and I promise, you will not only benefit from the exercise, but your mind will get a chance to rest from the stress and paranoia of the average day in a human life. If you smoke weed, take a break, let your conscience be clear and work on it's own, free from outside influences. (you'll also lose your tolerance this way and perhaps start enjoying the high once more, trust me, after smoking weed for a while it began to do nothing but enable to me to drown in depressive, paranoid thoughts) After getting into the habit of walking everyday, add weight. Go to the gym, do the simplest (in my opinion) barbell exercise, the [url='https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gRVjAtPip0Y']bench press.[/url] Do it for 5 sets of 5 reps (lift the bar 5 times, 5 times in a row) and then be done. Get into that habit, add 5lbs weight every week, get into the habit, and eventually add more and more exercises. You will feel good. Motivate yourself to push on by thinking of how you felt before you did it. While working out, listen to music, go into the same spiritual bliss as you would on your daily walks, and create further goals and achieve them. You will get better. Things will get better. Life is the one thing we must all cherish, for it is the one thing we truly own. It is incredible, and every moment should be enjoyed. Nobody deserves it to be cut short, not even those considered deserving by 'society', because society is man-made. A status-quo which we are regressively bound to.

[QUOTE=Rammaster;47327653]I'm not even kidding but reading this book has been so tremendously life changing. Everyone should try it out.[/QUOTE] And it's so simple, right? For real, it's what sparked this search for Truth I've found myself on lately. [url=http://www.amazon.com/Letters-Young-Rainer-Maria-Rilke/dp/0393310396/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1426480942&sr=8-2&keywords=letters+to+a+young+poet]Letters to a Young Poet[/url] is the latest book I've read that really speaks to me. This Rainer guy so eloquently describes the life of an artist to this 19 year old kid, and it applies to everyone. I find my recent peace and happiness to stem from books. Jason Silva recently described it so that we individuals don't own reality. The way we see the world is only one way to see it. With books, you can see life through hundreds of thousands of different lenses, and so your personal lens becomes the conglomerate of those whose writings resonate with you. [url=https://archive.org/details/worldilivein00kelluoft]Helen Keller essays[/url] are also a must read. She spent years of her life [I]not even aware that she existed[/I], and went on to write books, essays, and poetry about all sorts of things. Her bit about how the hand is the 'organ of apprehension' really changed the way I perceive beauty.

Why do I crave a relationship so much? It's literally the only thing I want. I would give up everything just to have someone by my side and to talk to about anything. [editline]16th March 2015[/editline] Also I really miss the days when I was happy and didn't worry about anything. Now all I do is fucking worry about everything and I can't fucking stand it anymore.

[QUOTE=Crpto2007;47331773]Why do I crave a relationship so much? It's literally the only thing I want. I would give up everything just to have someone by my side and to talk to about anything. [editline]16th March 2015[/editline] Also I really miss the days when I was happy and didn't worry about anything. Now all I do is fucking worry about everything and I can't fucking stand it anymore.[/QUOTE] I recommend finding something else, relationships nowadays are 2x harder than they were 20-30 years ago, but that's for me, differs from person to person.

Does anyone else feel absolutely terrible or hopeless like...every single day of their lives for the entirety of the day and night? I know it isn't just me that does. And if it is then well...I have serious problems.

[QUOTE=Crpto2007;47331773]Why do I crave a relationship so much? It's literally the only thing I want. I would give up everything just to have someone by my side and to talk to about anything. [editline]16th March 2015[/editline] Also I really miss the days when I was happy and didn't worry about anything. Now all I do is fucking worry about everything and I can't fucking stand it anymore.[/QUOTE] Humans are designed for that because then they mate and take care off the off spring. The good news is you just need to make some best friends who you can tell anything. Love is sadly show in a messed up way in the world now that you need that one. The truth is if you have best friends they love you. There is no point in worrying about anything, just do what you want to do and have faith that all will be good in the end. Only worry if you give up for then actually have something to worry about. [editline]17th March 2015[/editline] [QUOTE=Jamie1992GSC;47339219]Does anyone else feel absolutely terrible or hopeless like...every single day of their lives for the entirety of the day and night? I know it isn't just me that does. And if it is then well...I have serious problems.[/QUOTE] I did for awhile, best thing you can do is talk to someone about it. Get more hobbies and try to stay busy all the time.

[QUOTE=DELL;47339451]Humans are designed for that because then they mate and take care off the off spring. The good news is you just need to make some best friends who you can tell anything. Love is sadly show in a messed up way in the world now that you need that one. The truth is if you have best friends they love you. There is no point in worrying about anything, just do what you want to do and have faith that all will be good in the end. Only worry if you give up for then actually have something to worry about. [editline]17th March 2015[/editline] I did for awhile, best thing you can do is talk to someone about it. Get more hobbies and try to stay busy all the time.[/QUOTE] I had the problem when I was 17. (I'm now 23) I tried talking to my parents and brothers. And at the time friends. Sadly none of them understood and thought I was being overdramatic or faking it. (Loving people huh?)I did counsilling or whatever you call it for awhile and it made it worse. I also tried to OD on Anti Depressents and vowed never to touch them again. Sadly most of my family and friends are either now passed away or live half the world away. I work 14 hours a day 7 days a week. (4am till 6pm) And I find it's actually making my mood and depression worse. I made progress on my own to better myself and it sort of worked. I still feel like a failure and a waste of oxygen. But I don't want to take my own life anymore. It's only been in the past month that I feel like I'm falling back to how I used to be years ago. And It's scaring me to be honest. Because I know first hand the problems it caused back then. And the tendencies or the urges of them are slowly starting to eat away at me again and I can't figure out why.

[QUOTE=Jamie1992GSC;47339501]I had the problem when I was 17. (I'm now 23) I tried talking to my parents and brothers. And at the time friends. Sadly none of them understood and thought I was being overdramatic or faking it. (Loving people huh?)I did counsilling or whatever you call it for awhile and it made it worse. I also tried to OD on Anti Depressents and vowed never to touch them again. Sadly most of my family and friends are either now passed away or live half the world away. I work 14 hours a day 7 days a week. (4am till 6pm) And I find it's actually making my mood and depression worse. I made progress on my own to better myself and it sort of worked. I still feel like a failure and a waste of oxygen. But I don't want to take my own life anymore. It's only been in the past month that I feel like I'm falling back to how I used to be years ago. And It's scaring me to be honest. Because I know first hand the problems it caused back then. And the tendencies or the urges of them are slowly starting to eat away at me again and I can't figure out why.[/QUOTE] For one thing you are working way too much. Sounds like you could do with making new friends as well. Just keep working at bettering yourself and try to get some free time to just do whatever the fuck you want to do. My last tip of advice don't take life too seriously.

apparently my condition may be permanent and I might wind up on meds all my life. nice

[QUOTE=DELL;47339592]For one thing you are working way too much. Sounds like you could do with making new friends as well. Just keep working at bettering yourself and try to get some free time to just do whatever the fuck you want to do. My last tip of advice don't take life too seriously.[/QUOTE] Sadly the work is through need rather than choice. Friends is a rather hard one, as I said most have passed away now and the ones left that I have now all live in varying locations over the globe. (Thanks to the wonders of the internet allowing me to meet new people) I guess I'm just confused as to why I'm falling backwards after so many years of really good progress. It's dumbfounding me in a sense. :v:

[QUOTE=PredGD;47339619]apparently my condition may be permanent and I might wind up on meds all my life. nice[/QUOTE] You can manage without meds if its a moderate or less case. Though you will be considered insane by everyone. Which is really just living in psychosis takes awhile to get use to but once you make coping skills its great. If you have voices in your head ignore them or go the hivemind route. Eventually you'll get to a point where you will know when your in psychosis or not.

It's going to be my 19th birthday in a few days. I don't remember the last time I had a birthday party. I honestly never had any friends past the 6th grade in highschool, sure I would talk to them but I wouldn't hang out with them outside school. I was pretty much that kid who sat alone at lunch, I would spend time working on homework so I would have more time to hang out with a handful of friends online. I've only hung out with one person outside of school and it was over the Internet. Apparantly 19th birthdays are supposed to be big but I will not be having one.

[QUOTE=Jamie1992GSC;47339501]I had the problem when I was 17. (I'm now 23) I tried talking to my parents and brothers. And at the time friends. Sadly none of them understood and thought I was being overdramatic or faking it. (Loving people huh?)I did counsilling or whatever you call it for awhile and it made it worse. I also tried to OD on Anti Depressents and vowed never to touch them again. Sadly most of my family and friends are either now passed away or live half the world away. I work 14 hours a day 7 days a week. (4am till 6pm) And I find it's actually making my mood and depression worse. I made progress on my own to better myself and it sort of worked. I still feel like a failure and a waste of oxygen. But I don't want to take my own life anymore. It's only been in the past month that I feel like I'm falling back to how I used to be years ago. And It's scaring me to be honest. Because I know first hand the problems it caused back then. And the tendencies or the urges of them are slowly starting to eat away at me again and I can't figure out why.[/QUOTE] Overworking will certainly do it. I've been there, and it made it so much worse. Quitting my job at the factory was the best decision I've ever made.

[QUOTE=Suff;47341463]Overworking will certainly do it. I've been there, and it made it so much worse. Quitting my job at the factory was the best decision I've ever made.[/QUOTE] I had looked for a different job a few times. But most places are looking for Managers or people with qualifications in various fields. Sadly I failed school in it's entirety and thus never got any at all so the jobs I can get are very...limitied. Any suggestions on jobs that are good for people with Depression and anxiety that don't really require many qualifications etc?