Depression, anxiety, suicidalism and similar disorders, issues and troubles V3 - Discussion, help an - General

[QUOTE=Gar;47331333] Anyway, I'm gonna press the submit button now.[/QUOTE] You made the first steps, man. You've got nothing to worry about here - you seem like a straight up, and down to earth guy. I'd be more than happy to get to know you c:.

[QUOTE=Jamie1992GSC;47341486]I had looked for a different job a few times. But most places are looking for Managers or people with qualifications in various fields. Sadly I failed school in it's entirety and thus never got any at all so the jobs I can get are very...limitied. Any suggestions on jobs that are good for people with Depression and anxiety that don't really require many qualifications etc?[/QUOTE] Something you really like to do. Not sure how your job centers are over in the country you live in. I ended up finding out about pharmacology because a test to see what jobs would be good for me. I'm now going after that even with my insanity.

I don't know what I'm gonna do with myself after this thursday, I have exams for my electrician course, I'm not worried about the exam, I know my shit. I'm worried about after, I've been talking to my ex and am considering moving to a different country because of her. I'd do it if I knew I could, but I almost don't believe in it myself. I don't even believe I can get a job here in my own country, so I don't see why norway would make it easier.

CommitSudoku [img]http://i.imgur.com/Irry3x3.png[/img] Your visitor messages and private messages are disabled so I decided to post it here. I really wanted to let you know how much I appreciated this comment. Your comment really made my day and I am grateful for it.

I give up. I hate all people. Or perhaps vice versa is more accurate. Been hurt too many times. Nobody appreciates me for who I truly am.

I went through most of this day without drinking and it was terrible. All I could think about was my next drink and I was depressed until I could finally drink now [editline]18th March 2015[/editline] [QUOTE=ilmon3y;47343119]I give up. I hate all people. Or perhaps vice versa is more accurate. Been hurt too many times. Nobody appreciates me for who I truly am.[/QUOTE] I've been hurt a lot too dude but you can't give up

[QUOTE=Gar;47331333]I really didn't want to post here again; I honestly dislike the idea of venting problems in a public space but, I'm just not in a good place and I feel like part of it is because I keep trying to keep it bottled up. I've been going to therapy for a while, several months now actually, and while it's helped a tad, I feel I'm approaching the same kind of low I was in before I started, and that's with weekly sessions. (Although technically I'm approaching over a full week without one (scheduling around an always changing work week is kind of difficult.)) I'm learning things about how my brain works but now I'm hitting a point where I need to make more changes. (Or actually make changes I keep telling myself to make.) Friends are an important part of my life, extremely important. But it's a part that I contradict on a regular basis; I'm an extremely shy and, after the kind of social lives I've had, fairly paranoid person. I believe I've posted here before about it, (in fact, on friendships and everything in general...it's an ongoing issue,) but I've had a lot of real life and online friendships go bad, sometimes my fault but often not. My issue right now is that I have these friends. I really like them, they don't all know each other but we all share similar interests and I've been hanging out with them for over a year now. It got to the point where I was too open about my problems and got too comfortable being drunk and all of it together began to wear on them. The ones that did know each other began to talk about me, and finally this was all told to me when one of them got tired of hearing about a problem of mine and scolded me for what I was doing to them. I deserved it, I totally did. (I do feel a bit of contempt though, it's really not fair to have them think this and never tell me until it drives one of them crazy enough to. [I]That[/I] doesn't help me.) And I've been really trying hard to get better but one of the things I did was isolate myself from everyone I knew. This made things worse, because I became much more depressed and unable to do anything that I wanted to do. I want to fix this, I want to be able to resume normal contact with them as a better, stronger person but I can't force myself out of it. Having these problems, and not being able to solve it myself makes me feel weak. It just makes me want to run away even more. I don't want to be that guy who's just always depressed. I know I'm going to be depressed sometimes, but all the time? And I'm just not naturally outgoing either, unless I've had a really good day (or a lot of coffee,) I tend to wait for one of them to talk to me. My brain equates them not starting a conversation to not [I]wanting[/I] to start a conversation which wreaks havoc with my self esteem and I know quite a lot of people feel the same way so sometimes I try to be the one to start it, just to break that but it shouldn't be like that all the time. I want to feel wanted too. I guess it's hard to be wanted if you've gained the depressed reputation that I've had but, I want to fix it. (My issue with starting conversations is mainly that most of the time I don't have anything to say. If I make small talk, it sounds contrived. But if I don't start a conversation, a conversation almost never happens. And then my brain starts telling me that they don't want to talk to me and I should just sulk. I know it's incorrect but stuff like this can't keep being the conversation. It's not like we don't all share mutual interests, there [I]are[/I] things to talk about.) If I can't get better without being with my friends and I can't be with my friends without getting better, what do I do? --This is the question. I've been reading up on depressive and anxiety disorders, I have an appointment with a psychiatrist soon so I'm hoping to know if there's an imbalance that keeps this happening or just some way I can combat it medically or more straight forward, combined with talk therapy but it's still over a week away. All those online tests, which I know are not a real diagnosis, all say I have at least some kind of disorder. I just want to be better. I've been getting out of bed past 3PM every day for the last two weeks (unless I've had work earlier or a therapy session,) no amount of good thoughts or positive habit changes or anything has done anything to change that. I apologize for the long-ish post. It's some of the things I wish I could say to some people but, they either probably already know or I've said it before and it just doesn't mean anything anymore. I want to be a good friend, I don't want people to leave me anymore and I don't want to force myself out because I feel like I can't handle it. I like these people, I [I]really like[/I] these people. Some of them are actually on here; I'm stuck between wanting them to come across it since I'm too anxious to talk to them about it. Anyway, I'm gonna press the submit button now.[/QUOTE] You're one of my bestest friends, and I feel exactly the same way you do about starting conversations. It's not that I don't want to. I just don't want to be awkward and have you think less of me. Anxiety is fucking bullshit and it messes with your head, but trust me. You're a great friend, and I love talkin' to ya. Even if it's just small talk or silly stuff, it makes me feel way better about myself. Yeah, it's honestly hard to talk to someone when they're mopey. I know this because I AM mopey most of the time, but it definitely doesn't mean I'll hate you for it. People are people, man. We're all like that. Some more than others. Really, I feel bad about not even trying to help when you are and I don't know it. I'm at a weird point in my life too, but please. Never feel afraid to just say Hi to me, even if that's all you have to say. I'll really appreciate it, and I want you to feel better about it. We love you, dude. <3

Okay, I really hope this doesn't get ignored or forgotten quickly, cause I really need some input. I know it doesn't help that I drag on a lot but I'll put a TL;DR if I go on too long. Please, give this a read and help me out. I need to move forward with my life and I can't without some help. The third paragraph is where I actually ask for advice, so at least read that if nothing else. I feel like I should provide some context here. So I've been suffering depression for quite some time now. I've never seen a doctor about it, but I don't think there's any question about it for me. I've had horrible bouts of it, lots of suicidal thoughts, and some pretty bad times. For the past year, it's sort of faded and solidified itself in the back of my mind. I feel like it's changed me and the way I see life a lot, permanently. I still have times when it peaks and gets really bad, and that often causes problems in my life, but mostly it's just sort of there. Life is meaningless and I am powerless, that's sort of how I've come to think. I can still sort of enjoy things, but it's not the same I think. I'm tired all the time, I rarely have much energy. Makes work very difficult; I'll be exhausted and tired and feel like shit hours before anyone else shows any signs of fatigue. I once mentioned how I'm always so tired to my co-worker and he jokingly said "either you're really depressed all the time or..." and that got me thinking that, yeah, maybe my depression is causing that. It sucks not having any motivation or even strength to do anything at all, especially now that I'm at a time in my life where I've got to apply myself to being independent. I wake up at 2-3pm every single day, unless I work earlier, and usually go to bed extremely late. I mean, I work late most nights, but I certainly don't need to be staying up until 4am. Usually if I try to sleep earlier, I can't anyway. I usually can't sleep even if I go to bed at 6am. I just lay there for hours, usually thinking or daydreaming, but I can't stop long enough to fall asleep. I feel like I'm supposed to be a completely different person, but that person is smothered by my depression. It puts a huge strain on my life and it's been preventing me from getting anywhere for far too long. I've always been against therapy (never could figure out why), and REALLY against medication, but I've decided I need to do something. I've tried conquering it myself and there's only so much I can do. It always gets the better of me. My girlfriend and I have been to see a therapist recently, though we've only had 2 sessions. Originally, it was because we both had our own issues hurting our relationship, but in the end I was the only one talking. I know she only went to get me to go to therapy, as the only way I felt comfortable going was with her. During our last session, our therapist recommended that, even though she herself is against using medication, it might be the best course of action. She was careful about it, though, telling me to do my research before going to a doctor and to start on a smaller dosage. I don't like it but I think that's what I'll need to do. I don't know what else to do. If anyone here has any advice other than medication then I'm absolutely open to hearing it, but so far I've got no other ways of dealing with this. I'm really starting to feel like this isn't something that can be fixed by just thinking differently or tweaking my habits. It feels deeper than that. This is the part I need help with: What should I be looking for?? I haven't done any research myself just yet, because I've been working, but I plan on doing some tomorrow as I've got the day off. I was hoping I could ask here to get an idea of some things. I mean, I don't even know where to start. My Therapist said there are around 20 different kinds/brands of depression medication. I guess I should be weighing the side effects of each to see which ones I think would be best? But I'd like to know what has worked well for you guys, if there are certain ones to avoid, or what the popularly best one is, stuff like that. I'm also not certain about how to go about obtaining it, either. I can't go to my usual doctor's office as it's way too far away and I have no one to drive me there. I was planning on finding a doctor's office nearby that would accept my insurance (military benefits) and biking there. I've never done this before, so is there anything I should know, such as things doctors usually do that I should be wary of? I know my therapist said they tend to start people off on really high dosages and that I should ask for a lower one. Anything else like that? I'm also worried about using the insurance, as I'm afraid my mom or step-dad would end up seeing it. I get the benefits through him, and I figure at some point in time my mom or him will look at some document that lists my visit. How can I avoid this? I'd rather not talk to either of them about this. I guess I'm just nervous, or sort of scared. I don't really know what I'm dealing with here, and I wish I didn't have to go to this. I hate myself and everything about this situation. I wish I was strong enough, or just normal, but I'm not. Guess I just don't know where to go from here. I've been in the same spot in my life for so long, everything feels so stagnant, and I feel like a statue. I'd really appreciate any input. [B]TL;DR:[/B] What should I be looking for in terms of depression medication? What are the worst/best brands? How can I avoid any documentation of the acquisition of said medicine being revealed to anyone, like through insurance? Anything else I should be looking out for?

All the different kinds work different for each person. What might work for another person might not work with you and vice versa. I went through 3 different kinds of AD Meds. One made be completely apathetic and just caused me to piss people off and drive those people away more than I already had. The second one made me angry. Amazingly so. I was so short fused that the TINIEST of things would cause me to erupt into a giant self destructive ball of molten hate. The third one made me a thousand times worse and I ended up OD'ing on them cause it made my suicidal tendencies worse. It was after those 3 times that I swore to NEVER touch AD meds ever again. And I haven't ever since. I made progress without them. Although this past month I feel like I'm taking a thousand steps back cause I feel like I used to years ago. Ofcourse everyone is different but this is an example of my experience with them and the kinds you can be given. Funny enough the second one that made me super angry were the same kind that my mother used to take. And they actually worked out really well for her. [quote]How can I avoid any documentation of the acquisition of said medicine being revealed to anyone, like through insurance?[/quote] As for this I'm not sure. In England we are given a prescription slip that you hand in and pay and you keep half the slip to do with as you please. I'm unsure how the US system works for Meds and sadly I cannot really provide insight into this.

snip

Welbutrin works ok for me, and it's not an SSRI either (it's a stimulant) so it doesn't have nearly as many bad side effects.

I wonder if anyone else knows about my drinking besides my co workers

[QUOTE=Crpto2007;47348794]I wonder if anyone else knows about my drinking besides my co workers[/QUOTE] yeah, I hear you. It's hot where I work, so I worry that I'm sweating the alchohol and have the liquor smell. I'm worried about my liver. I was already told by my Doctor to stop drinking. I've been drinking alot this year. I woke up this morning in a haze, like, 'what the fuck am I doing.' I feel like I'm having a life crisis, and I don't know what I'm supposed to be doing with my life. like what the purpose is. I can't figure out what it is I'm supposed to be doing with my life I need guidance. I keep finding myself in bad situations, and when I look at it, I see that it's my fault. I don't know if anybody else here has this problem, but I feel like I ''need'' a woman in my life, like some type of 'best friend'. I'm afraid if I lose her, I'll be lonely and more depressed, but I know she's bad for me, and I should get rid of her. I go out and find these women, and they turn out to be outlandish and just not what I need at all, and I become unhappy and stuck in the relationship. like- why can't I just be happy with myself? Why do I do this to myself? I'm so depressed. I feel like its a total relapse of any progress on my depression I've made. It's not a 'suicidal depression' yet, but I feel like it could definitely get that bad, but I wouldn't kill myself. the situation I'm in right now, I won't even talk about it because of how embarrassing it is. My depression became so bad last time, I actually gave away my pickup to a woman. I signed it over to her because I didn't feel like I'd need it anymore. That was before I was checked into the mental-hospital. Is anybody else in a similar situation or do this to themselves? I feel like it's because I'm afraid to be alone, or I'd be making a mistake or something, I don't even know I used to go out, party with friends, come home and play online with friends before going to my meager job and doing it all over again. I was part of a great community, and I was truly happy. Then I became a sailor, and it all went downhill. I returned Home and all my friends were gone. now look at me - I'm a fucking alcoholic, I have a shitty job, no vehicle and no friends. I'm so fucking lost. This isn't me. I feel like I've lost what 'me' is. "WHAT IS IT I NEED TO DO???!?", this is something I ask myself so many times I mean what the fuck am I doing, I need guidance. i can't figure it out this time

[QUOTE=Th3applek1d;47346900]I just realized, you don't understand addiction until you experience addiction. Before it happened to me I knew self harm was addictive but I didn't truly understand how addictive it was. I'm 5 months without self harming now but I miss the relief and the endorphins so much.[/QUOTE] Is the most addicting thing I've ever fucking tried. If you get the urge keep hot sauce around that burns real bad. Eat a drop of that you'll get the kick without all the nasty scars. Unlike the cutting part its really unpleasant for about 10-15 minutes before the kick comes in rather then instant. [editline]18th March 2015[/editline] [QUOTE=Suff;47350011]I returned Home and all my friends were gone.[/QUOTE] What do you mean by that, did they all move away? On the meds thing for people. Every single one they have ever put me on has ended up making me worse. Even anti-psychotics which killed my psychotic episodes ended up making me suicidal and worse. Only thing I've ever had that has made my days fantastic are stims but they won't prescribe me those.

[QUOTE=Levithan;47348690]Welbutrin works ok for me, and it's not an SSRI either (it's a stimulant) so it doesn't have nearly as many bad side effects.[/QUOTE] After doing some reaserch I'm liking the sound of Welbutrin, but I'm still not really sure. As far as I can tell, aren't SSRI's supposed to have less side effects? I'm having a hard time following all of this information, and I'm still not sure what I should be aiming to get. And the mention of all these side effects are pretty nerveracking. Apparently Welbutrin can cause seizures? Like shit, that doesn't exactly sound safe.

Does anyone else feel depressed when they accomplish something? Whenever I make any major advancements in my life, I feel more like "I could have tried harder" than "Fuck yeah, I did it!". I'm very hypercritical of myself and I wish I could just let that go.

[quote="Oicani Gonzales"]guys i still dont know what the deal with pentium is whats happening[/quote] (basically, I'm losing my shit here because I'm being mocked, taunted and harassed for working almost exclusively with old shit. You know, that one thing I've only been able to work on for the last 15 years or so because of varying forms of neglect which we won't go into. Tried to dump it all to make them happy, only to find out I have commitments that prevent this, plus I'm being advised it would be "unethical", according to the recycler I was in discussions with.) Literally. I can't win this shit. While others get to flex their muscles I'm told to grow up, shut up and stop posting about old shit. I've even had to agree to stop posting about it in general, else I'm banned until further notice. Why do you think I requested the old Retrocomputing thread closed? Why do I not post so regularly in the new thread? It's humiliating. It's the only thing I'm proud of and it's humiliating. So here I am taking this shit weekly and ANY attempt to tell them to cut it out goes the same way: [quote="B!N4RY"]He's upgrading into a Pentium 2 [/quote] [quote="Pentium"]Oh my god. Fucking give it up. [/quote] [quote="~Kiwi~v2"]Normally this is reserved for me but I think the joke flew over your head. [/quote] [quote="PollytheParrot"]dude you need to take one hell of a chill pill jesus [/quote] Which can be interpreted as: [quote="B!N4RY"]He's upgrading into a Pentium 2 [/quote] [quote="Pentium"]Oh my god. Fucking give it up. [/quote] [quote="~Kiwi~v2"]Oh my god, we're just joking.[/quote] [quote="PollytheParrot"]Dude, chill out. We didn't do anything.[/quote] And people wonder why I wish to throw myself off a bridge or some shit. WHY DO I HAVE TO PUT UP WITH THIS SHIT SO MUCH? You literally can't tell them to shut up in a thread because then you're banned for flaming and you can't even tell them to shut up via PM or in a visitor message because it's harassment via PM's and that too is bannable. I simply cannot escape it. It's always Kiwi and B!N4RY. [B]LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE[/B].

[QUOTE=pentium;47352182](basically, I'm losing my shit here because I'm being mocked, taunted and harassed for working almost exclusively with old shit. You know, that one thing I've only been able to work on for the last 15 years or so because of varying forms of neglect which we won't go into. Tried to dump it all to make them happy, only to find out I have commitments that prevent this, plus I'm being advised it would be "unethical", according to the recycler I was in discussions with.) Literally. I can't win this shit. While others get to flex their muscles I'm told to grow up, shut up and stop posting about old shit. I've even had to agree to stop posting about it in general, else I'm banned until further notice. Why do you think I requested the old Retrocomputing thread closed? Why do I not post so regularly in the new thread? It's humiliating. It's the only thing I'm proud of and it's humiliating. So here I am taking this shit weekly and ANY attempt to tell them to cut it out goes the same way: Which can be interpreted as: And people wonder why I wish to throw myself off a bridge or some shit. WHY DO I HAVE TO PUT UP WITH THIS SHIT SO MUCH? You literally can't tell them to shut up in a thread because then you're banned for flaming and you can't even tell them to shut up via PM or in a visitor message because it's harassment via PM's and that too is bannable. I simply cannot escape it. It's always Kiwi and B!N4RY. [B]LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE[/B].[/QUOTE] pentium jesus christ dude you're just interpreting shit in ridiculous ways what the fuck have I ever done to you? like a week or two ago you just totally flipped, like your hobby was endearing and interesting and a few of us poked a little fun but you add flavor to shit, and if you enjoy it and clearly you do then who's to tell you different? [QUOTE]dude you need to take one hell of a chill pill jesus[/QUOTE] does not mean [QUOTE]Dude, chill out. We didn't do anything.[/QUOTE] it literally means "you are being an irrational raging asshat and lashing out to just about everyone in general when you need to calm down and talk a little more maturely" and/or grow a thicker skin like hell if you need someone to talk to add me on steam or something but seriously just calm. down. [editline]18th March 2015[/editline] also an ignore button exists for a reason, if say Kiwi and Binary are annoying then use the handy ignore button and bam you won't see any of their posts or harassment

This is accumulated. This is bullshit that has accumulated for years. I've spent years working on projects, only for people to point laugh while someone else does something half-assed and are called a genius. I take a massive amount of pride (or try to) in what I do and because of it I'm called out for it in the wrong reasons whenever I'm even hinted at. Perhaps I've simply unhooked. I simply do not want to be working in this field anymore if the only input I get on what I do pushes dark thoughts and paranoia in my head. [quote] also an ignore button exists for a reason, if say Kiwi and Binary are annoying then use the handy ignore button and bam you won't see any of their posts or harassment [/quote] I don't know what they are saying then. They could be saying something about me? I cold completely miss the context of something and just, no. Ignoring them is such a bad idea on the medium of something like a forum.

[QUOTE=pentium;47352218]This is accumulated. This is bullshit that has accumulated for years. I've spent years working on projects, only for people to point laugh while someone else does something half-assed and are called a genius. I take a massive amount of pride (or try to) in what I do and because of it I'm called out for it in the wrong reasons whenever I'm even hinted at. Perhaps I've simply unhooked. I simply do not want to be working in this field anymore if the only input I get on what I do pushes dark thoughts and paranoia in my head. I don't know what they are saying then. They could be saying something about me? I cold completely miss the context of something and just, no. Ignoring them is such a bad idea on the medium of something like a forum.[/QUOTE] so what they have to say bothers you, but given the option of seeing what they say and not seeing what they say, you're gonna pick the former? why? if they post "lol pentium is so gay lmao" how are you at all bettered from seeing that? You don't miss out on anything

The last instances I opted out of a conversation I ended up the victim of a DOX more than once. I have to basically watch over it simply to make sure they aren't trying to conspire anything against me. Can you see now how that can become extremely unhealthy? It's paranoia. Pure paranoia. I simply can't give people the benefit of the doubt anymore because it ALWAYS comes back on me. Even if it was a joke it was a terrible one.

-snip-

guys. Why does it hurt in the back of my head when I feel like I'm gonna explode in tears? Like when I hold it back and don't wanna cry. I just realized that I still can't handle life. Like I can't handle failure in social life, like if someone don't like me. I don't want to feel like this, pity myself just because one thing. Like I wanna mature but when I can't hold me back so what's the idea? I've made mistakes but never learned from most of them except practical mistakes. Am I just overestimating stuff?

I used to be worried about what people think about me but I've stopped caring completely. I don't know if that's good or bad

[QUOTE=Crpto2007;47359433]I used to be worried about what people think about me but I've stopped caring completely. I don't know if that's good or bad[/QUOTE] I wouldn't mind knowing how that feels. Concern about what people think of me is a substantial root of where all my anxiety comes from. It probably varies, though.

I know how it feels being worried what people think about you. I just realized not everyone's perfect I guess and stopped worrying so much.

[url]http://facepunch.com/showthread.php?t=1456767[/url] Okay dudes I started this thread and I really hope y'all partake in it. I've found that the greatest ways of overcoming the slumps of life come from discussing its heights. That's what the thread is for!

A quarter of this forum hates me and I'm not certain about why.

I've been getting really paranoid as of late. it feels like no one wants me any good, and strangers I meet have ill intentions. I haven't noticed it that much as I haven't left the psychiatric ward that much, but I've begun taking daily walks now and it's really noticeable. the other day I was on the edge of throwing myself to the side since I was really scared a driver behind me was going to mow me down, and it's really uncomfortable to walk past people as it feels like they're staring me down with ill thoughts. I've had a few instances where I've been wondering if my condition has been worsened due to the staff at the ward poisoning me, but that's where I sort of understand it can't be true. it leaves me wondering often, and I know it's not true, but somehow something inside me tells me it might happen. I don't really believe myself even if I kinda do. this paranoia carries over to my digital life as well. I don't trust programs at all as every program feels like a potential virus. someone who is in control over code of a popular program could push out malicious code and no one would be wiser until it's too late. I feel like a corpse patched up to be alive. I'm all strung together with tape. standing for prolonged periods is literally impossible for me, I'm very quickly drained of energy. I'd never think I would be where I am today a year ago. I don't think I've ever had it as bad as now. I think it sounds pretty edgy, but one becomes desperate to feel again. I can feel, but yet I can't feel anything. I'm just a spectator of it all. I want to feel intense feelings, I want to be able to feel pain, love, curiosity, motivation, etc instead of this dull feeling of nothingness. I can't find a relief. I stuck onto the thought that "hey, I'm on meds! give it two weeks and it'll start working like the doctor said". here I am 4 weeks later in an even worse state. sure, I have a short term memory now and I can talk to someone without losing trail every 5 seconds, so I'm generally off better! that's from an external perspective though. I function, but inside I'm being torn apart. the feeling of constantly having to move is insufferable, and combined with my detachment from reality, it makes for an absolutely awful combination. I've forgotten what it feels to feel. I want to cut myself to be able to feel, I want to do something violent to myself so I can see if I'm still real. I just want to feel again, anything. something intense [editline]21st March 2015[/editline] I'm so tired of this entire situation. I can't be arsed to talk about my feelings since it just comes off as bothersome since it's brought up so often. it leaves me with no one to vent to other than this site. this feeling, I just want it to go away. I feel panic, I feel watched. I just want to go change from a psychotic pit to a depressive pit, anything to get away. I'm having a real weird period, I haven't experienced this before. I can tell there's nothing there, there's nothing sitting in my bed, but after its been sort of "processed" in my brain, its puts a woman dressed formerly in my bed, sitting there and staring at me. it feels like wherever I walk, thousands of arms try to hold me back from behind. I went to the toilet, I still felt watched, went out, and there she's sitting in the stairs again. she's with me in the bedroom too. I don't see it, I think it's not real, but it's there. I can't calm down, because she sits in the fucking bed.

Today was my 19th birthday. Before I start please do not wish me a happy birthday because it will make me feel like an attention whore. It was a pretty shitty day. My father got upset with me, my mother got upset with me. It was like any other day honestly. The highlight of my day was this one professional dota 2 match, that's how void my life currently is. idk it's really my fault, I didn't want a party. I never had a party since I was in gradeschool. It would be just dumb to have a party for the four of us because I fucking hate my father and I hate being in the same room as him. I feel like crying, but not quite. It's just sadness that doesn't really want to escape. w/e I'm going to bed early, theres nothing for me tonight [editline]20th March 2015[/editline] Nevermind just cried. Still crying, my cat is with me. My cat has been the only one with me through most of my shit. If I ever loose him I'm killing myself, I love him so much and can't handle the idea of losing him