Depression, anxiety, suicidalism and similar disorders, issues and troubles V3 - Discussion, help an - General

[QUOTE=johnsten;40247829]are you sure you have real anxiety issues or just prefer being or shy away from social situations?[/QUOTE] I'd prefer to be away from any kind of social situations, like i'm "forced" to be an spectator. I also keep away from groups of people at the same age of mine, when they standing on the road (example: waypoint). I use diffrent way to get in here. Yet, make some friends think "Why havent you go forward, why did you go left?" etc etc.

[QUOTE=prop_physic;40247892]I'd prefer to be away from any kind of social situations, like i'm "forced" to be an spectator. I also keep away from groups of people at the same age of mine, when they standing on the road (example: waypoint). I use diffrent way to get in here. Yet, make some friends think "Why havent you go forward, why did you go left?" etc etc.[/QUOTE] it just sounds like you're a little anti-social is all, nothing wrong with that!

[QUOTE=johnsten;40247902]it just sounds like you're a little anti-social is all, nothing wrong with that![/QUOTE] But it goes ontro all of my actions whenever people are somewhere nerby(excluding friends,family etc). Im literly "freezed" ontro question "What shall i do now?". Once i wanted to make photos of the beach nerby, and i saw group of teenagers, with hoodies, loud phone music, keep swearing etc. I have moved away from the beach because i was afraid of what they would say about me. Once i came back home, i find out i didnt make any photos of the beach.

I'm going to vent a bit. Well, probably a lot. Sorry. There is nothing that I want more than to just crawl up in a ball and die sometimes. Or maybe just take a walk outside in the nearby minefields and just get lost between the rocks and grass. It's been 3 years since I've started this started this fucking rollercoaster (I know what you're thinking) and I keep finding myself rising and falling deeper and deeper and I'm afraid that eventually the ground will catch up to me. But in the same time, I want it to. I've never considered suicide as an option (and still don't) mainly because of my parents. I can't do this to them. I keep thinking that if they were out of my life I would have done the deed a long time ago. I feel like a waste of oxygen sometimes. A financial and emotional burden that has no future in anything because I'm just fucking terrible at everything I do. I do have friends and social circles in general. But I can't shake the feeling that my friends kind of use me as a step to raise themselves closer to the sun, and I'm just that awkward little shit that people talk to when they want some cheap laughs. I keep finding myself in this fucking iron maiden made of faux sunshine and smiles while on the inside I'm just a scared kid that'll probably get eaten alive by the outside world the moment I'll show my actual face. I do try to be nice to other people, it's a rule of mine. I help whenever I can and I stick to whatever rules the world tells me to. The reaction I usually get is people calling me all kinds of stuff like "sucker", "pussy" and of course: Faggot. That realization really hit me in the face like a ton of bricks. I know there's nothing wrong with having a different sexuality, but I can't seem to shake the feeling that I'm broken, unwanted, weird, unfitting. That single realization struck me with so much fear that I had to rely on alcohol (and at some point, drugs) to give me an excuse to leave my house. I'm really lucky that I have close friends and family who are supportive enough of this whole issue of mine, but this just intensifies the feeling that I'm a burden on those around me. Especially my mother, who took my 'coming out' a bit rough (not because of any anti-gay thing. She's just scared for me since it's undoubtedly tougher than being normal). I'm still horribly scared of other people (such as the one's I'm stuck with in the military) finding out because it'll make the rest of the 2 years I have in the IDF a living hell, and I don't know how many of my friends would actually take it badly. This obviously destroyed any chance I have of forming a healthy relationship and unsurprisingly I'm still a virgin and have never been in a relationship that I really wanted (I had a girlfriend while still trying to convince myself and probably fucked it up in a hilarious way), and at 20 years old that's really fucking pathetic. Sometimes I wonder if I even care about these things. I mean, what's the point? I'm starting to get frustrated when I see other people succeeding and being happy. And that makes me feel even more horrible about myself because I know the problem is with me and nobody else. I can barely do the things I used to enjoy anymore (stuff like painting and whatever) because I know I'll never like what I produce, and most likely nobody else will either. Whenever I do manage to strike a meaningful conversation with someone I feel like I'm trying to steal the spotlight, but then I realize there isn't much to shine on so I just shut the fuck up. People always make fun of me for being so apathetic and quiet but that's only because the best I can do is just [scream internally]. Sometimes I wonder if I'm an incredible actor or if the phrase "everything's fine" has some kind of magic to it. Anyway, I'm going to try and book myself an appointment with a psychologist because I caught myself running a knife over my arms today. It burns like a motherfucker and I can't really explain why I did it. Sorry for ranting as much as I did. But I had to get this off of my chest.

[QUOTE=Mr. Tripp;40242123]Sometimes I wonder what's the point in doing anything when everyone in real life and on the internet hates me. I've found myself waking up a lot and not wanting to go outside and deal with anyone in the real world. I don't feel suicidal or anything but I feel incredibly upset all the time and it doesn't seem to end, and I'm incredibly anxious about everything. I'm scared that i'm going to hurt myself or others. What do I do?[/QUOTE] I really want to say something, but I'd be letting my bias blind me. I've been in that situation several times, but I usually have to force myself out of bed or out of my chair and do things. Just to think to myself 'I'm not a total fuckup, I guess.' It's harder than it sounds. Its harder when you've no peer support. Only thing I can recommend is to try not letting it get the best of you. If it gets worse, perhaps you can talk to a family member and see what they have to say. Unless they're the type to tell you to 'stop being a baby'. [editline]13th April 2013[/editline] [QUOTE=Fort83;40243003]I'm really not happy with school this past year. I've lost all interest in the course. I've kind of shut myself off from the friends I have in this town I am living in and really just want out. I'm 21, about to turn 22 on sunday and I'm kind of feel like I'm regressing towards the socially inept person I used to be in the early years of high school. I'm having a hard time just talking to people face to face now. I've lost all interest in any possibilities of dating anymore. I just don't really know what I'm doing anymore. Like I have a plan for myself for the next while, going out west to work for 14 months starting in June, and then starting my application to the canadian forces once I return. But I just feel really empty now. I just don't know what I'm doing anymore.[/QUOTE] Are you sure it isn't just burn out from the school or the 'I really want to get away from this place and start anew' thoughts? You seem to have a plan but at the same time you seem impatient to get started on it. Is that the case? [editline]13th April 2013[/editline] [QUOTE=ScreamingGerbil;40266819]I'm going to vent a bit. Well, probably a lot. Sorry. There is nothing that I want more than to just crawl up in a ball and die sometimes. Or maybe just take a walk outside in the nearby minefields and just get lost between the rocks and grass. It's been 3 years since I've started this started this fucking rollercoaster (I know what you're thinking) and I keep finding myself rising and falling deeper and deeper and I'm afraid that eventually the ground will catch up to me. But in the same time, I want it to. I've never considered suicide as an option (and still don't) mainly because of my parents. I can't do this to them. I keep thinking that if they were out of my life I would have done the deed a long time ago. I feel like a waste of oxygen sometimes. A financial and emotional burden that has no future in anything because I'm just fucking terrible at everything I do. I do have friends and social circles in general. But I can't shake the feeling that my friends kind of use me as a step to raise themselves closer to the sun, and I'm just that awkward little shit that people talk to when they want some cheap laughs. I keep finding myself in this fucking iron maiden made of faux sunshine and smiles while on the inside I'm just a scared kid that'll probably get eaten alive by the outside world the moment I'll show my actual face. I do try to be nice to other people, it's a rule of mine. I help whenever I can and I stick to whatever rules the world tells me to. The reaction I usually get is people calling me all kinds of stuff like "sucker", "pussy" and of course: Faggot. That realization really hit me in the face like a ton of bricks. I know there's nothing wrong with having a different sexuality, but I can't seem to shake the feeling that I'm broken, unwanted, weird, unfitting. That single realization struck me with so much fear that I had to rely on alcohol (and at some point, drugs) to give me an excuse to leave my house. I'm really lucky that I have close friends and family who are supportive enough of this whole issue of mine, but this just intensifies the feeling that I'm a burden on those around me. Especially my mother, who took my 'coming out' a bit rough (not because of any anti-gay thing. She's just scared for me since it's undoubtedly tougher than being normal). I'm still horribly scared of other people (such as the one's I'm stuck with in the military) finding out because it'll make the rest of the 2 years I have in the IDF a living hell, and I don't know how many of my friends would actually take it badly. This obviously destroyed any chance I have of forming a healthy relationship and unsurprisingly I'm still a virgin and have never been in a relationship that I really wanted (I had a girlfriend while still trying to convince myself and probably fucked it up in a hilarious way), and at 20 years old that's really fucking pathetic. Sometimes I wonder if I even care about these things. I mean, what's the point? I'm starting to get frustrated when I see other people succeeding and being happy. And that makes me feel even more horrible about myself because I know the problem is with me and nobody else. I can barely do the things I used to enjoy anymore (stuff like painting and whatever) because I know I'll never like what I produce, and most likely nobody else will either. Whenever I do manage to strike a meaningful conversation with someone I feel like I'm trying to steal the spotlight, but then I realize there isn't much to shine on so I just shut the fuck up. People always make fun of me for being so apathetic and quiet but that's only because the best I can do is just [scream internally]. Sometimes I wonder if I'm an incredible actor or if the phrase "everything's fine" has some kind of magic to it. Anyway, I'm going to try and book myself an appointment with a psychologist because I caught myself running a knife over my arms today. It burns like a motherfucker and I can't really explain why I did it. Sorry for ranting as much as I did. But I had to get this off of my chest.[/QUOTE] Its good you have friends and a coherent state of mind to go and get the appointment instead of sinking into that horrible feeling and letting it linger. It can be hard to do something different, especially in an area full of others that don't really appreciate this difference. I can't truly empathize with you about some of the feelings you're going through (the whole 'coming out' thing), but the only thing you can do is hope the people you know will still love you and the people you meet will appreciate it. I can only suspect the military will be a different story, but as long as you aren't shouting 'Hi Im gay' to them, it shouldn't be too much of an issue. I'm not too well versed in the way the military works. One thing you have to realize is that 'Faggot' is just a word. It can't kill you and it's only terrible if you think it as terrible. Just my thoughts. Also, why on earth is being a virgin at 20 the worst thing in the world? So what if you haven't stuck your dick in someone? I can't think of anyone that would care outside of people looking for shit to troll or just flame you for. Quite honestly, who cares about having sex? Overrated trash, to be honest. Finally, don't act like you're 'stealing the spotlight' in a conversation. If you're really into it, there's no shame in talking about the subject at hand. If you're constantly interrupting the other person and shutting them down, then yes, you're definitely shoving yourself in the middle. If that's the case, try not to inject yourself between someone's words. This may help you feel somewhat better about the conversation issue.

[QUOTE=ScreamingGerbil;40266819] Sometimes I wonder if I even care about these things. I mean, what's the point? I'm starting to get frustrated when I see other people succeeding and being happy[/QUOTE] You are not alone in this topic.

[QUOTE=Vaught;40224744]How long have you felt this way? Its things like this where you should really seek out someone to talk to or some mental health help. I can't say much else my own bias would affect my suggestion. Try to find someone you trust a lot and doesn't mind being an emotional sponge. Talk to them and see if that helps some. Remember: It has to be someone you know won't turn you away for spilling yourself before them. Also, friends come and go. If they're saying stuff like "You're annoying" then they really aren't friends, are they? I personally find it better to have a small group of good friends than a large group of acquaintances. Again, talk to someone and think about mental health help to see if they can't help with the panic attacks and suicidal ideology.[/quote] I've had panic attacks since I was younger, and the suicide ideology came about after I fully accepted death for what it is, and decided I'll make it the last adventure, rather the destroyer of adventure.

I hate to self diagnose but I think I might be bipolar. About 2 hours ago I was feeling meh, now I'm thinking of what would happen if I die. I noticed I think too much when I'm not preoccupied. My latest thought was how I'm using video games as a way to escape from reality. Funny thing, I stopped being a part of something that involved false reality because of one reason I don't want to share again and because I realised I was using it as a way to escape reality. I promised myself that I would never deal with my depression by playing pretend, when I have been doing it the whole time.

I am feeling too anxious to do the "national tests". I've missed two already and I can't get myself to do them. The first one I missed/skipped I just sat still glued and couldn't get myself to do anything, and the second one which is now I just can't go inside.

I haven't posted here in a while, but today I just felt like getting some stuff off my mind. I love how every time I think it's getting better, something bad happens. I've been writing a story for ages, but every time I get it finished or I think it's done, I realize that it's terrible and I start it over again. It kills my motivation to come so far and have it all go to waste. Just two days ago I got into an argument with my best friend. It was the dumbest shit ever, but that didn't stop him from telling everybody a bunch of nasty shit about me. Now I can't show my face without being harassed by people. It's so trivial that I shouldn't care but, "Hey, bitch" my depression says, "I know you're trying to ignore it, but fuck you!" I need to stop being so dumb and accept that not everything will go right for me

[QUOTE=ROFLBURGER;40286617]I hate to self diagnose but I think I might be bipolar. About 2 hours ago I was feeling meh, now I'm thinking of what would happen if I die. I noticed I think too much when I'm not preoccupied. My latest thought was how I'm using video games as a way to escape from reality. Funny thing, I stopped being a part of something that involved false reality because of one reason I don't want to share again and because I realised I was using it as a way to escape reality. I promised myself that I would never deal with my depression by playing pretend, when I have been doing it the whole time.[/QUOTE] Bipolar disorder involves cycling between stages of mania and depression that normally last a few days. You probably are having a mood swing.

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My girlfriend of 5 months broke up with me today. I know 5 months might not be a long time to some people, but it was the first relationship I've had in 4ish years ( By choice, I just fucked around before her ) and it was one of the longer ones unfortunately. I hadn't seen her all of spring break which was 10 days and I didn't get to talk to her in the last 2 days of those 10 days because she lost her phone. I bought her flowers last night and gave them to her this morning only to have her break up with me a few hours later. It was pretty shitty, sure, but I mostly managed to keep my emotions under control. My mom decided it would be the perfect day to call me and bitch at me about how I'm failing school though calling me a failure at life and saying that the only reason I went to school was to see my now ex girlfriend. She continued to say that I was going to turn out like my homeless druggy brother and said that I should just quit school so here I am. I hadn't cut for several years until tonight. I don't know why I'm even posting here honestly

Dear fellow users, I think I need some light consulting. During the last year and a half it seems that I am incapable of doing anything serious. If I manage, though, I give up on things I really like and started recently in like 2 weeks at max. School isn't helping either - when I come home i want to sleep, do something meaningless, just relax. But after that - still nothing productive. Its not the lack of sleep either - I've started going to bed earlier to get at least 10 hours of sweet dreams, and it seems like it made matters worse. The most tiring thing is that I get a motivation spike or will to do things, but only 1 hour before I got tobed, or even when ready to sleep. Could anybody advice something? I hope I am not overreacting and that this is normal, but wanted to ask in case its not okay.

Ha wow, just had a 2 year relationship end mutually because my friends and I TP'd a house. I've never seen her so mad, and I'll never see her so mad again it seems. I thought I'd be a bit happier without her, but I just feel shittier than before. but we had no intimacy, so I guess it was doomed for failure anyways

[QUOTE=Abrown516;40291604]Bipolar disorder involves cycling between stages of mania and depression that normally last a few days. You probably are having a mood swing.[/QUOTE] I thought I replied to this message. It probably isn't I guess, I have too many mood swings sometimes. Also today I got a letter from the mental health institution in my local area basically saying "Fuck off we're full" [editline]16th April 2013[/editline] Shit like this really just crushes me. It makes me feel I should just give up on everything.

Was gonna go to school today, but damn the weather is too good, which means a lot of people. My social anxiety is killing me.

My depression comes and goes, lately it's come back again. It's bad for example a thought I had "What's the point of life if we're just going to die anyway."

I posted in here a while ago, around october/november last year after my suicidal attempt had failed. I kinda left off talking about it properly but i feel i can atleast talk about it to people without it affecting me and pulling me back into that bad place. I was shortly diagnosed with bipolar after many sessions, the stuff they perscribed to take just gave me horrid panic attacks, so i've been tackling it solo until the beginning of last month where i got out of that "I dont fucking need help i can do this" mood to the "Oh god someone help me" mood. I'm glad i was diagnosed with it, put some clearance on my mind and i can adjust certain parts of my life to make it a lot easier.

My medication is wearing off, as I'm falling back into a scourged mood. I need something else.

[QUOTE=Chekko;40312067]Was gonna go to school today, but damn the weather is too good, which means a lot of people. My social anxiety is killing me.[/QUOTE] I just bring a book and find a place to sit and read. No one bothers a reading person unless its some survey, needing help, or something mundane. [QUOTE=Talatandi;40314890]My depression comes and goes, lately it's come back again. It's bad for example a thought I had "What's the point of life if we're just going to die anyway."[/QUOTE] To try and make the loudest noise possible. How often are these depressing episodes? Are they monthly? If so, it might just be hormonal periods. [QUOTE=MxOAgentJohnson;40318594]I posted in here a while ago, around october/november last year after my suicidal attempt had failed. I kinda left off talking about it properly but i feel i can atleast talk about it to people without it affecting me and pulling me back into that bad place. I was shortly diagnosed with bipolar after many sessions, the stuff they perscribed to take just gave me horrid panic attacks, so i've been tackling it solo until the beginning of last month where i got out of that "I dont fucking need help i can do this" mood to the "Oh god someone help me" mood. I'm glad i was diagnosed with it, put some clearance on my mind and i can adjust certain parts of my life to make it a lot easier.[/QUOTE] One step at a time, but I'm glad you're taking such steps to a slow recovery c: [QUOTE=Abrown516;40320565]My medication is wearing off, as I'm falling back into a scourged mood. I need something else.[/QUOTE] You can't rely on medication to keep you satiated. It's to help with the process while you expose yourself to situations that you'd normally, unmedicated-ly, be adverse to. If anything, you can always read a book, watch a movie, so forth. If you've some friends, ask for a playdate and hang out for the day or so. Anything to help ward off the unhappiness/depression.

Yeah it's monthly usually, sometimes it sticks around for a few days though.

The thing I'm feeling at the moment is tame compared to other things said here, but I feel the need to vent this out and get some advice I guess. So yeah, recently I was in a very good mood. The past two weeks were incredible. Spent time with one of my best friends, did a lot of stupid and funny stuff, hung around with girls and stuff like that. It finally felt like this depression (not diagnosed, just, you know, not feeling happy at all) has ended, but it returned, yesterday. This Saturday I've met an extremely cute and smart girl. I've spent a night together with her. Three days ago I asked her to meet me again. She agreed. We spent like an hour together, walked around the old town, got pretty close, almost made out and stuff like that (still makes me laugh how one inappropriate word caused her to say that I've ruined the moment (that could have led to fine stuff), I don't know why I find it funny, it was a comedic situation somewhat). At the end of the night she said that this evening was incredible and later we chated on our phones, shared nice thoughts and things like that. She said I was an incredible person. The next day I asked her out again, but she was too busy, her friends got into trouble and she had to help them out. Yeah, I understand, we barely know each other, friends are more important in this case. Yesterday was the day when shit started to boil. We were supposed to meet late in the evening, like at 9 or something. She was making a school project and expected to spend like 3 hours on it (18:00-21:00). I was very happy to know that she was willing to meet me even after this work (she even said "fuck it, exam tomorrow, I'll learn later, let's meet"). I went to town earlier to meet some other people, to have a few drinks so I would gain more courage when having a conversation with her etc etc. I left at about 20:30 and sent an SMS to her. She asked if I really wanted to meet. I told her that it would have been the highlight of my day. We chatted some more and I figured that she wouldn't come, said it was too dark outside or something. At that moment I've felt devastated. The feelings of being worthless came back. My mood was hopeless once again. Today I knew she was going to do some extra learning. I asked her when will she go to the teacher at about 4. She said she has to be there at 6. I asked her if she was free until the time comes. She said "technically yea, but I'm too lazy to go somewhere". I said "it kinda sucks that we can't meet again" and our chat ended just like that. So yeah, shit returned. Feeling worthless, nearly broke down at the dinner table. What do you guys think? Could she be interested in me (some short messages were semi-romantic, heart emoticons, kiss emoticons etc.), or is she trying to avoid me or something? I'm really confused and I really do like her. I feel like shit, I feel like I'm being tricked again, I feel like the things I feel for her are not the same, I feel like it is, in fact, my destiny to stay alone forever, not have any relationships, to abandon all friends, move to Antarctica and commit suicide there, silently, so no one could see me, noir could they get hurt about it. Once again, I know it sounds ridiculous, but not being able to be in a normal relationship for my whole life, being through shitloads of cases of unrequited love, having a girl taken away by someone else right in front of my eyes just does it for me. I feel worthless. Maybe I am worthless, who knows.

[QUOTE=Ringo_Satu;40325696]The thing I'm feeling at the moment is tame compared to other things said here, but I feel the need to vent this out and get some advice I guess. So yeah, recently I was in a very good mood. The past two weeks were incredible. Spent time with one of my best friends, did a lot of stupid and funny stuff, hung around with girls and stuff like that. It finally felt like this depression (not diagnosed, just, you know, not feeling happy at all) has ended, but it returned, yesterday. This Saturday I've met an extremely cute and smart girl. I've spent a night together with her. Three days ago I asked her to meet me again. She agreed. We spent like an hour together, walked around the old town, got pretty close, almost made out and stuff like that (still makes me laugh how one inappropriate word caused her to say that I've ruined the moment (that could have led to fine stuff), I don't know why I find it funny, it was a comedic situation somewhat). At the end of the night she said that this evening was incredible and later we chated on our phones, shared nice thoughts and things like that. She said I was an incredible person. The next day I asked her out again, but she was too busy, her friends got into trouble and she had to help them out. Yeah, I understand, we barely know each other, friends are more important in this case. Yesterday was the day when shit started to boil. We were supposed to meet late in the evening, like at 9 or something. She was making a school project and expected to spend like 3 hours on it (18:00-21:00). I was very happy to know that she was willing to meet me even after this work (she even said "fuck it, exam tomorrow, I'll learn later, let's meet"). I went to town earlier to meet some other people, to have a few drinks so I would gain more courage when having a conversation with her etc etc. I left at about 20:30 and sent an SMS to her. She asked if I really wanted to meet. I told her that it would have been the highlight of my day. We chatted some more and I figured that she wouldn't come, said it was too dark outside or something. At that moment I've felt devastated. The feelings of being worthless came back. My mood was hopeless once again. Today I knew she was going to do some extra learning. I asked her when will she go to the teacher at about 4. She said she has to be there at 6. I asked her if she was free until the time comes. She said "technically yea, but I'm too lazy to go somewhere". I said "it kinda sucks that we can't meet again" and our chat ended just like that. So yeah, shit returned. Feeling worthless, nearly broke down at the dinner table. What do you guys think? Could she be interested in me (some short messages were semi-romantic, heart emoticons, kiss emoticons etc.), or is she trying to avoid me or something? I'm really confused and I really do like her. I feel like shit, I feel like I'm being tricked again, I feel like the things I feel for her are not the same, I feel like it is, in fact, my destiny to stay alone forever, not have any relationships, to abandon all friends, move to Antarctica and commit suicide there, silently, so no one could see me, noir could they get hurt about it. Once again, I know it sounds ridiculous, but not being able to be in a normal relationship for my whole life, being through shitloads of cases of unrequited love, having a girl taken away by someone else right in front of my eyes just does it for me. I feel worthless. Maybe I am worthless, who knows.[/QUOTE] Seems to me you are majorly trying to rush this, give it time. Meeting day after day can be a pain when life stuff needs doing, people are just lazy aswell and people are different. Too dark is a valid reason, i'm terrified of going out at night in my area. Schoolwork should ALWAYS come before romance, this is your life, love can wait. Take that from someone serving upper class cunts coffee on a daily basis. But meeting day after day in a relationship can be tiring, take it slow. If you go too fast it can end up disasterous when you both realise, or one party realises they arent as interested. Yes instant love can happen but most of the time it wont. You just seem lonely more than anything.

[QUOTE=MxOAgentJohnson;40327335]Seems to me you are majorly trying to rush this, give it time. Meeting day after day can be a pain when life stuff needs doing, people are just lazy aswell and people are different. Too dark is a valid reason, i'm terrified of going out at night in my area. Schoolwork should ALWAYS come before romance, this is your life, love can wait. Take that from someone serving upper class cunts coffee on a daily basis. But meeting day after day in a relationship can be tiring, take it slow. If you go too fast it can end up disasterous when you both realise, or one party realises they arent as interested. Yes instant love can happen but most of the time it wont. You just seem lonely more than anything.[/QUOTE] Thanks. I'll give her some time. I am very lonely and loneliness is a bitch, everyone knows it. Most of them can cope with it, I can't for some reason.

I'm doing an exchange program in America, and by coincidence, a friend that I've known for over 10 years came here too, same city and same school. We're doing our junior year here, and he wants to do the senior year too (we're supposed to go back after a year, but he wants to find some way to stay here and renew his visa), and then go to college. In my opinion, this town sucks. It's a small country town in NC, rednecks all over, yet he loves it, and I really hate it. Now there's nothing wrong with him liking it, but the school is even worse, it's apparently rated 3/10 by some official thing (I don't know how this works in the US), and it really makes me wonder how he's going to get a scholarship like he wants after having such a shitty education. The problem for me is that I don't know how I'd fare without him. I mean, I've lived like 10 mins from him (on foot) for as far as I can remember, so we went to each others house as much as we could. We're REALLY good friends, and if he does stay here while I go back, it'll be the first time we'll ever go more than a month without hanging out or seeing each other. I'm really not sure how I'd deal with that, I get sad just by thinking about it. It's his life and I know that, but I really think its a bad idea for him to stay, so if he does, I'll be sad for not having my best friend, and I'll also have the guilt of not convincing him otherwise, and that would easily make me extremely depressed. Should I just realize I should move on if it happens, and get used to the idea that its not my job to make him do the right choices? Or should I really help him as a friend and try to convince him that he's not staying here for the right reasons?

I just feel.... worthless. Nothing ever goes right for me. This is going to be long, so bear with me. Compared to me all my friends are like fucking womanizers. I'm barely even average looking, and I've never even had a real relationship. After months of trying to get a girl to like me she tells me she loves me....and dumps me the next day. Things actually went uphill from there, I spent time with my friends more, tried to be more active, and put myself into new situations. But just like always, I ended up dying inside a little more. She started talking to me a couple days ago, the girl I swore I was done with forever, and I realized I was starting to worry how I sounded and acted with her. I'm so ashamed. Why should I care what she thinks of me? What is wrong with me? Why won't she just let me be? Everything I've ever tried ends up failing. I try, and fail, and try again. The supposed formula to success. Well I guess I'm the exception. I see no future for myself anywhere. I feel like I have no skills whatsoever. The only thing I haven't completely failed at is playing the guitar, but seeing all the people better than me, I feel like they're a Hollywood performance and I'm just a party trick. Plus, everyone I know gets everything they want, and even though I'll probably be a better person for it, I cant help but hate them a little. My own friends. I tried to deal with my depression by starting drinking. But when I either I couldn't get drunk enough off the cheap shit in my parent's basement or I couldn't have any at all, my depression got worse. I feel so empty, like nothing I ever do will ever matter or succeed. I have a problem with initiative, and that's that it is easier lost than gained. I don't know what to do, or even if I should do anything at all. I smile to hide my sadness but some days I want to cry. My friends, my family, my house, my life, all feel like a prison. Draining the life out of me. I want to leave, but something stops me. I try to think of all the positive things, but it's getting harder to remember them.

I'll probably remove this post in due time. So I would appreciate it if no one quotes, and if you do, please snip. I had a simple dream as a kid. I wanted to be a private investigator like my father. His life seemed so interesting, and I was so fascinated that I made it my life goal to follow in his shoes. However, eventually through the years my interest shifted into federal law enforcement, specifically the FBI. In high school I never went to parties, I never drank or smoke, I never did anything wrong. I feared any blemish on my criminal record would prove me unworthy for the ranks of the most premier law enforcement agency in the United States. That probably sounds silly, and in retrospect it probably is. But at the time, I was very dedicated. Fast forward 5 years or so and I'm a Junior at a local University. My social life didn't age well. I got modest grades, one friend at most, and as an only child that lived at home, I always felt alone. I still always looked to the future, I was only a few years away graduating. One good thing happened to me, I got a call back from an application I made at an FBI office from a city just 3 hours away from my home. This was my chance, I could use this internship as a stepping stone to a full time position after graduation. I drove up for the interview and I was absolutely terrified. Although its unimportant, I swore to keep their interview process secret. Anyways, I thought I did great and I went home feeling confident. They ended up calling me back several months later. When I talked to the HR lady, she was pretty confident that I got the position. I also got a call from one of the "cyber security" guys telling me about the job and asking me a few technical questions. The HR lady also told me I have a two days to gather a letter of recommendation from the University Dean, fill out a security clearance form, and that I need to come back up for a follow up. It was a tall order to get everything they needed signed in two days, but I managed to do it. While I was up there I was confronted with another interview and other parts of the internship hiring process. The final part was the polygraph. Like before, the process is secret. I can't say what exactly happened during that process. But by the end, the interviewer basically said I failed. I told him it wasn't possible, and that I never did what he was accusing me of. But it didn't matter, he said I failed. I asked if there was any hope, and he said not likely. I asked if I am barred from becoming a federal agent, and basically he said yes. By that time I collapsed my face in my hands and cried like a bitch. He left me alone so I could stabilize myself. I dried my tears of broken dreams and I took the walk of shame past the offices of the extremely nice agents I met. I shook the interviewers hand and thanked him for the opportunity. When I got to my car the first thing I wanted to do was drive my car into a light pole at 90mph. But instead I called my step father. And the second I heard his voice I started crying again. After I sobered up I explained what happened. Turns out the same thing happened to a friends son, he went for a polygraph and nailed on a false positive on the same issue. Fast forward 3 months, and I still get flashbacks to that day. I replay the scenes in my head over and over. Trying to figure out why this happened to me. When I watch tv shows or news articles that feature FBI agents, I get sick to my stomach at the thought of what could have been. What do I have now? I don't have dreams. I had the ambition of a king, now I am nothing more than a shallow shell of what I was. I'm currently away at another University, away from home in hopes that I can leave the past behind, and meet new friends and find new ventures in life. But so far, all I can say that I accomplished by moving is being alone with dwindling grades, no friends, no confidence, no dreams, no future.

I wanna give you a big cuddle :(

To have your dreams shot down because of outdated methods of technology is just ass. I'm sorry that happened.