Depression, anxiety, suicidalism and similar disorders, issues and troubles V3 - Discussion, help an - General

[QUOTE=chonks;47511267]You want to end it to relieve the pain you're feeling right? Have you tried antidepressants? If you're going to stop living you might as well try other methods of solving the same problem first, not like it would hurt anything. [b]Try everything you can before resorting to something so permanent.[/b][/QUOTE] You should [b]NEVER[/b] try something so permanent...

This isn't exactly about me being suicidal (I've already been down that road years ago), but a really, really close friend of mine has been talking about suicide a lot. She lives in a really abusive household and the past month's been really shitty for her, her parents are being worse than usual, she got rejected from the Vancouver Philharmonic which she was really hoping to get into, and the guy she really likes ended up getting back with his ex. There's so much other shit going on that she's been suicidal for the past few days and I have no idea how I can help her. I SHOULD know how to help her since I've been in this spot but I don't know how. I'm not sure if it's appropriate to ask for help here, but I'm extremely scared and really desperate to alleviate a bit of the pain for her.

[QUOTE=Spastik2D;47524228]This isn't exactly about me being suicidal (I've already been down that road years ago), but a really, really close friend of mine has been talking about suicide a lot. She lives in a really abusive household and the past month's been really shitty for her, her parents are being worse than usual, she got rejected from the Vancouver Philharmonic which she was really hoping to get into, and the guy she really likes ended up getting back with his ex. There's so much other shit going on that she's been suicidal for the past few days and I have no idea how I can help her. I SHOULD know how to help her since I've been in this spot but I don't know how. I'm not sure if it's appropriate to ask for help here, but I'm extremely scared and really desperate to alleviate a bit of the pain for her.[/QUOTE] Honestly the best thing you can probably do is spend time with her, you can't solve her problems, but you can keep her stable so that she'll have a chance to find a way through this.

I feel like I was born with the disposition that I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life. Not lonely per se, just alone. And to be honest I'm fine with it. I actually prefer my own company at times. Most of the time people make me feel awkward/angry/sad or whatever and it's really not worth it in the end. I know where I stand.

My parents are splitting up and I found out my best mate, supposedly "near brother" slept with my ex girlfriend who I am back with now and I only know because she told me Drinking port and having a spliff to chill out. She told me I can't speak to him about it, why not?

[QUOTE=joshdasmif;47526981]My parents are splitting up and I found out my best mate, supposedly "near brother" slept with my ex girlfriend who I am back with now and I only know because she told me Drinking port and having a spliff to chill out. She told me I can't speak to him about it, why not?[/QUOTE] bros before hoes sounds like he was not being a good bro

kjasdhahjsdaks -snip-

Anyone here who suffers from low testosterone? I've been tested twice at 300ng/dl or 10mnol. If so, care to share your experience with it?

Found out my cat had a huge tumor in his stomach and had to put him to sleep yesterday not to prolong his imminent suffering; feels bad man. Last thing I could do for him was just hold him while they put him to sleep. RIP o-malley. Hope you all have a great day; whatever is bringing you down

oh who even cares

So for the bulk of last week, our ISP (Comcast) decided to be the massive dickheads they are and shut off our internet because a few bullshit reasons that I'm not even going to go into cuz that's a whole 'nother story. Anyway, I stewed for a little over a week with no internet. Made a few attempts to go out and apply for some jobs, but for the most part, I just sat in my room just trying to occupy my time with something other than crying or laying face down on my futon, usually ending up doing those things anyway. Just 2 days ago, I finally got my internet back after my dad set the record straight with Comcast. I was so relieved to see all of my friends and it warmed my heart a great deal to see people actually worried about me since my absence. Even after all that, I still feel like incomplete and of no use to anyone. I mean, just thinking about the fact that I have no one else to turn to when you take away the only place I've got friends is pretty sad. It makes me feel so pathetic that I can't simply call someone up and hang with them and have fun. I know this is probably all of my fault because I never really take the initiative to go out and try and make friends, but I dunno what else to do. I have all this anxiety and no self-esteem, and in order to conquer that, I need to do something that requires both of those things. That's just so defeating to me. It makes me think I'll never get out of whatever the fuck this is. I keep mentally giving up on ever having a significant other, but I keep trying to tell myself that it'll happen at some point. It's just an endless cycle. Every time I try to rationalize something positive about me in my head, I always debunk it somehow with some now irrelevant past experience or simple fact about myself that keeps it seeming unobtainable. I'd really like someone to love me, but there's just so many reasons I can think of as to why that cannot be. This does not give me any self-esteem or confidence boost whatsoever and that's what I really need. I have to shut out this negative voice in my head, but not completely. I just need to it be a stable balance.

For a while now I have felt incredibly lonely and not wanted and just out of place when I'm with my friends at uni. I just feel like I don't belong anywhere. It's making me really forgetful and I can't seem to concentrate on anything because I keep thinking that people just don't want me around. I feel like certain people I just can't talk to because they don't want to and I don't want to seem awkward so I stay away. I really don't know what to do or if this will pass.

[QUOTE=Mysterious;47539643] I'd really like someone to love me, but there's just so many reasons I can think of as to why that cannot be.[/QUOTE] Pretty much me, but being in a work environment that I feel open and warm towards the staff makes it even worse considering everyone is busy at work all the time and can never hang out after work. It's a cycle of me believing in some cases that some people are simply avoidant of me for whatever reason. I have constant battles with myself where I need to force myself and dig through evidence to prove to myself that some people are simply busy and cannot put their time into friends. It sucks getting amazing friends after a long while of having barely any because you tend to get clingy towards them. Shit that sucks now is that almost everyday after work I get a headache while walking back home down the transit I take. It might be my social anxiety due to me not being use to the whole Downtown environment with people everywhere around you but it's making me upset whatever it is. If anyone here believes that you right now can easily cope with loneliness, I recommend changing your mindset because it will damage you in the long run.

My mom has to reschedule the appointment but I am going to go see a therapist for depression, anxiety issues, anger issues, suicidalism, etc. Life is boring and sad...

Sucks that in order to motivate me, I need to see something fucked up. Yesterday I kinda got my life going because I saw something fucked up. I'm not going to talk about what it was, I just want to leave it at that.

I should probably stop talking to my friend as a way to vent. I just vented about something and he seems really pissed off that I did it. I can't vent about certain things on here because those certain things shouldn't be public because obv they're going to be taken the wrong way so I vent to him. Maybe I'm just incredibly paranoid but I can't count how many times I've said "If I'm ever saying something that offends you or you don't like, don't be afraid to speak your mind". I can't pick up cues on the internet because it's text. Is like someone typing "fuck off hahaha" after making a controversial joke, you don't know if they're playing or they're legitimately mad. I can't really think of a good example, if someone I know said "fuck off hahaha" after I said something controversial I'm going to take it as "This guy enjoyed what I said and we're just playing around." This exact situation happened before in the STGYM chat before. Like people were kicking me from the chat as a legitimate joke as first, then they did it for real for whatever reason so I didn't take it seriously because I thought they were playing. Then people in the chat were poking fun at this guy for something so I kinda joined in but apparently said guy took everything seriously and people gave me shit for it. People were calling eachother niggers so I was like "oh so it's that kind of chatroom" so i called people faggots but people took offense to that so I stopped. Then some guy called me autistic and I accidentally tore him a new asshole. I remember just saying "How dare you" and "That's a dumb thing to say", it caused the guy to cry and leave the chat for about a week. That really pissed off his friends and I was pretty much given shit from thereon out until I got banned. I remember I used to be praised by that group of people for whatever reason. While I was writing this I had an argument with the someone I was talking to before because I said something he found really disagreeable. We had a fight and things got ugly but I guess everything is good now?

I've been on medicine for a good few months now but I still feel as though I just don't want to live anymore. I just don't want to live, not this life, not here, not anymore. I slept straight through the entirety of today and I was supposed to hang out with friends, but I just don't want to. I just want to sleep, I want to be gone so very badly and I don't know why.

Anybody else suffer from this? This doesn't happen that often, sometimes once a month, couple of times in a month, sometimes not for a long time. Yesterday I was watching a movie on my pc when suddenly I get this feeling just below my heart, as if too much blood would rush too fast, and it made my vision blurry for a split second. After that my heartbeat rate was getting really fast, probably 100bpm+ so I decided it was a good time to get some rest because I hadn't slept for 15 hours. As I tried to fall asleep, I kept having muscle twitches all over my body which made it harder. But after only 15 minutes of laying on my bed, I open my eyes and they feel really heavy and burning, so I go check them out in the mirror and they're so fucking bloodshot for some reason. This all is accompanied by really bulging veins in my left arm but not my right arm, which is really strange. The veins get really big, return to normal after 5-10 minutes, repeat. So here are all the symptoms I get out of nowhere, mostly when I'm tired: Muscle twitching/spasms everywhere, rapid heartbeat, bloodshot eyes after 15min of trying to fall asleep, very restless feeling, bulging veins in my left arm and sometimes nausea.

I am tired of living on the outskirts of what can be remotely called a proper existence. I am tired of being this stupid fucking satellite just orbiting around society and never getting to god damn rest. I never could, I can't and probably never will find my place in this society. I don't know what to do, I don't want to be weird, but I don't want to be bland either. Back in the days I would have been so fucked up that I would be planning a massacre by now, then I grew older and decided I was less worth than other people on this planet and contemplating suicide. Now I am just sitting here, fucking pissed at myself, yet apathetic about ever stopping being a weird fuck nobody wants to be near. I can't control myself no matter how much reason I just try to punch into this god damn tiny brain. I will never understand math, I will never understand engineering, I don't want to play music because every musician I have met was an asshole in their own way, I don't want to make art, because my art is shit and the few that likes it are just fucked up people I don't even know if I can trust. I can't find a place in this world, and now that I have grown once again, I don't even feel like committing suicide, despite feeling like a waste of time, space and resources. I will never contribute to society, I will always be the dumb fuck that gets into stupid shit and screw up everyone around me and myself included. I just want to leave, but I have nowhere to go, leaving the country would fuck up my family, who for some foolish reason still has faith in me ever performing properly in this world. I don't know what to do anymore, my head feels funny, and I will probably never find anywhere to lay my head and call home. My legs hurt all the time even though I barely walk anymore, my mind is starting to get bored and when it gets bored it starts thinking about fucked up stuff. I just feel so empty inside, and no matter what I have tried, I can't fill that terrible fucking hole inside of me. When I try to look for a "me" I find nothing. When I try to sit down and stay calm my thoughts just keeps on flying like they always do. Sleeping is scary because my mind just won't stop. And if I stop it, I become a fucking zombie. I don't want that. I just want to get my brain to start being productive instead of just shitting all over everything. I only have myself to blame, I am a foolish piece of shit and I don't know how to become or if I will ever be a somewhat reasonable person people don't just talk with out of pity. I don't even want attention, I just want a place here in this world where I can stay, instead of constantly roaming between different groups of people, constantly putting on a new mask and facade. I want to stop being an ignominious piece of crap. I want to stop being that shameful ass that fucks stuff up without even thinking about it. I don't even know, no note would leave my dad with a calm feeling, and if I tried to just run away and fade into obscurity, my dad would just be fucked up as much as if I just decided to off myself. I don't even want to think of suicide, and I don't, doesn't even feel like a choice to me. I don't want to die, but I can't figure out how the fuck to live in this world, guess I am just too stupid. I don't know what to do anymore. I don't want to hurt other people, but I don't give a flying fuck about myself anymore.

I've tried to prolong coming here for help for a long time, but now I'm running out of options for any kind of encouragement. In my life, I've always been the weird one. Y'know, the awkward kid at the back of the class that has no social life and you just want to stay away from. When I was little, my father beat me by the side of the bathtub making me fall, permanently damaging my spinal cord which eventually resulted in me having emergency treatment when I was in grade 2. Because of the problem I had (and still have) I was ridiculed by other kids. I never had any real friends, save for one, but I was too much of an awkward dork to him that I probably alienated him within a week. My social life has greatly improved since then, I've recovered slightly from the abuse but as I've gotten older the impact of what he did to me has been coming through. I'm not paralyzed, but the resulting problem from what happened is so embarrassing that I know I'll never have a wife, and at a time when my older sister is about to get married I can't get it off my mind. After my faith began to crumble, the last thing I truly enjoyed was my favorite TV show. It would have been difficult for you to find someone who had more knowledge of how its world ticked, but slowly the last two seasons have eroded my enjoyment after a series of awful and pointless retcons, bad plot twists and a season finale that came out of nowhere (in a bad way) and an awful Tumblr-centered fanbase.(I know, I know, never center your life on something like a TV show. Lesson learned) I keep trying to come up with innovative ideas and concepts, yet each time only hours later I end up finding that my idea would never work for various reasons. Like a fighting game based on 3 dimensional movement (rather than 2 dimensional) with arenas that would change around the fight similar to a boss battle in a normal game. When I continued to work on the concept, I realized how flawed it was and just abandoned it. The same goes for all of my ideas, I end up realizing how bad they are and if I don't I get ridiculed when I try to present them. I have a love/hate relationship with my mother. She's incredibly emotional right now and is always nagging me to do one thing or another and I just can't handle it anymore. No matter what I do, someone is always better than me. Stronger. Faster. Smarter. I don't have any real-world skills, and I end up falling flat on my face in front of my classmates all the time. School starts up again tomorrow for me, and I'm dreading going back to face more humiliation. I probably sound pretty in comparison to everyone else here. I shouldn't have anything to complain about really, but I feel so aimless and depressed. The few friends I have I feel like I've alienated in some way or another, I'm scared of talking to my father, I'm scared of the imminent need to "leave the nest", and I have my entire life to look forward to nothing but bitter disappointment while everyone around me succeeds. My life sucks and I feel like attempting suicide again. I'm tired of having to be the awkward guy that chooses the most stupid online names, I'm tired of being the laughing stock of everything I do. I wish I had never been born and I'm too much of a coward to kill myself.

Since the release of GTA, I've done fuck all but play it. Been so distracted that I've felt quite happy too. At the moment, I've got 56 hours, and I'm still loving it. [editline]19th April 2015[/editline] [QUOTE=EpicRandomnes;47556265]I've tried to prolong coming here for help for a long time, but now I'm running out of options for any kind of encouragement. In my life, I've always been the weird one. Y'know, the awkward kid at the back of the class that has no social life and you just want to stay away from. When I was little, my father beat me by the side of the bathtub making me fall, permanently damaging my spinal cord which eventually resulted in me having emergency treatment when I was in grade 2. Because of the problem I had (and still have) I was ridiculed by other kids. I never had any real friends, save for one, but I was too much of an awkward dork to him that I probably alienated him within a week. My social life has greatly improved since then, I've recovered slightly from the abuse but as I've gotten older the impact of what he did to me has been coming through. I'm not paralyzed, but the resulting problem from what happened is so embarrassing that I know I'll never have a wife, and at a time when my older sister is about to get married I can't get it off my mind. After my faith began to crumble, the last thing I truly enjoyed was my favorite TV show. It would have been difficult for you to find someone who had more knowledge of how its world ticked, but slowly the last two seasons have eroded my enjoyment after a series of awful and pointless retcons, bad plot twists and a season finale that came out of nowhere (in a bad way) and an awful Tumblr-centered fanbase.(I know, I know, never center your life on something like a TV show. Lesson learned) I keep trying to come up with innovative ideas and concepts, yet each time only hours later I end up finding that my idea would never work for various reasons. Like a fighting game based on 3 dimensional movement (rather than 2 dimensional) with arenas that would change around the fight similar to a boss battle in a normal game. When I continued to work on the concept, I realized how flawed it was and just abandoned it. The same goes for all of my ideas, I end up realizing how bad they are and if I don't I get ridiculed when I try to present them. I have a love/hate relationship with my mother. She's incredibly emotional right now and is always nagging me to do one thing or another and I just can't handle it anymore. No matter what I do, someone is always better than me. Stronger. Faster. Smarter. I don't have any real-world skills, and I end up falling flat on my face in front of my classmates all the time. School starts up again tomorrow for me, and I'm dreading going back to face more humiliation. I probably sound pretty in comparison to everyone else here. I shouldn't have anything to complain about really, but I feel so aimless and depressed. The few friends I have I feel like I've alienated in some way or another, I'm scared of talking to my father, I'm scared of the imminent need to "leave the nest", and I have my entire life to look forward to nothing but bitter disappointment while everyone around me succeeds. My life sucks and I feel like attempting suicide again. I'm tired of having to be the awkward guy that chooses the most stupid online names, I'm tired of being the laughing stock of everything I do. I wish I had never been born and I'm too much of a coward to kill myself.[/QUOTE] Okay, this is more than likely to end up being a wall of text here, but I wanna make sure that I can get through to you. There will always be someone better than you at the thing you're trying to do, but you accept that, learn from them, and even still chances are that there's somethings that he's not good at, and they may feel the same way because of what it is that you're good at, in comparison to their own skills. Hell, I'm getting top grades in my class, and there's still shit that I can't do well. I understand what you mean about having TV series' that you like being fallen under to a Tumblr fanbase, sometimes it's okay - it really just depends on what it is that you're watching I guess. No matter what you're going to get fucking retarded, and sometimes even wrong people pairing people together for no reason at all. Just try to ignore that sort of shit, and just get on with watching what you enjoy. Along with your ideas, why wouldn't that work? Similar styles of fighter have been done, that have worked amazingly, and offered at least for me hours of playing time. Look at Rockstar's version of the Warriors, that game was amazing. I loved every hour I played because of it's unique style, that it seems to me, that you want to imitate. It'd work fine, you've just got to keep coming up with ideas, and keep furthering what it is that you're doing at the moment to make sure that you get it exactly how [I]you[/I] want it to be. Honestly man, there's really no shame in having bad, or different ideas when you're presenting stuff. The idea is to fix outside of the box, and from time to time you can actually gain something from the weird, or wrong ideas that you feel as though you're having. With the relationship that you have with your mum, you've just got to accept that people get into shitty moods every so often (In case you hadn't already realized that :v:). Just do the most that you can to make sure that you two are going to get on, without causing any shit. I think you have every reason to be scared of talking to your Father. Shit, it'd be kind of odd if you were able to just get on, and talk to him as if nothing had happened. As far as leaving the home, I'm not too sure how University works over there in Australia, but if it's anything like how it is over here, it's good experience for getting ready to move away properly. It gives you the nudge that you need with the financial aids that you'll receive from there. Honestly man, I say this on here a lot - but if you want to add me on Steam, than you're more than welcome too. I'll try and help you out as much as I can.

Finally human, never thought i'd say that. With some work you'll make it through.

listening to some post rock I used to listen to a lot before I was put in the psychiatrist ward which wakes some memories. I feel a mix of sadness and comfort because they're such calming songs, but well, wake memories. been feeling rather careless the past few days. as I've expressed earlier in my posts, I'm getting really sick of being at the ward and long home a lot, but being home is still not very good. I don't feel fully comfortable, I'm bored a lot and I still need to somehow fix my psychosis along with my anxiety and depression. it's a lot to tackle and I feel like I still need the help the ward is giving, but to be fair, I'm not exactly doing a whole lot at the ward either. I sit at my room there all day and eat food, that's it. it's not much better than what I used to do at home which has me doubting the ward. I feel so clueless regarding what I should push on with. I don't know where I want to place myself either. I don't feel like I have any hobbies and there's nothing I really feel like pursuing. I don't really care much for social relations at the moment either, and even if I did, what do you do with friends? when broken down, everything feels so incredibly meaningless. why would I go out with friends for temporary joy, if I had any? anything that doesn't make a permanent change feels so meaningless. I keep hearing people say they hate that and that which are parts of a regular life with common occurrences. simple things like washing clothes, cleaning the house, and various other small things which are common and not fun at all to do. why do people bother when there's so many small things in life that are either annoying or outright shitty to do? let alone doing it for the rest of their lives? I don't want that, I don't want to deal with it, I want a solution to these things which makes life easier and has me not repeating these tasks. I suppose that's a thing I'll never get either, which brings me back on the topic of why even bother. not that I'm feeling suicidal, I just have a hard time understanding how people put up with daily annoyances which are guaranteed to show up. not knowing what to do next in life is a shitty thing [editline]19th April 2015[/editline] I'm not sure if I can live with this detachment from reality. I'm already becoming desperate to get it away after two months of living with it and here I'm told it might be permanent and never disappear. it really makes me think about death, but I don't want to die at the same time. it's a complicated situation

I just lost one of the best friends I've ever had in my life because of my own failures as a human being i don't know if i can go on with life anymore, he was the only thing that came close to keeping me going and i just feel lost now

I'm not sure if anyone here is familiar with the term, but how do you deal with [URL="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Limerence"]limerence[/URL]?

Not really sure why I'm bothering posting here at this point because I never get a reply, but I'm in an incredibly bad situation and I don't really want to be alive anymore. This weekend I was working for my mother (Through her employee, my niece's dad) and I had a job which required me to sleep at her house saturday night because I had work today. Last night I invited my friends over to hang out, one of them was interested in buying some of my records. My mother keeps english language students in rooms at her house for extra income, and my records were in my old room where a student just moved in. The student was out so we went in and started going through the records, talking having a good time. I told them not to touch anything because it was a students, and they didn't touch anything. Some of us went downstairs, one stayed up to look at records, I went back and forth to make sure everything was ok, and then we ended up drinking a bit and sitting on the porch before they decided to head out because of the work I had today. So today everything was fine until I got a call from my dad about two hours ago. He told me that the student in that room had claimed 750 dollars was stolen from him. He believed it was my friends who stole it, my sister was going to call the police (Which I encouraged) but she ended up paying the student out of her own pocket. My friends deny everything and I really don't know what to believe anymore. I got another call from my dad about half an hour ago and he told me that its my job to pay back the 750 now, I'm not allowed to work for my mom anymore, and I'm not allowed to see my girlfriend anymore (I can't see her outside of school hours but she comes over on lunches and spares) So I'm feeling like my life is pretty fucked now, I just left my mother a message telling her I was sorry and that I never knew this would happen, and that I was already at a limit emotionally and its gone past that now, and I honestly can't get through a day wondering how everyone would be if I was dead. Then I said that I honestly believe everyone would be a lot better off if I was dead, even my girlfriend. And I honestly believe it. I just don't know what to do now, I was just starting to do better in school and was working consistently for the first time in a year and now I've got nothing.

[QUOTE=flamehead5;47560081]Not really sure why I'm bothering posting here at this point because I never get a reply, but I'm in an incredibly bad situation and I don't really want to be alive anymore. This weekend I was working for my mother (Through her employee, my niece's dad) and I had a job which required me to sleep at her house saturday night because I had work today. Last night I invited my friends over to hang out, one of them was interested in buying some of my records. My mother keeps english language students in rooms at her house for extra income, and my records were in my old room where a student just moved in. The student was out so we went in and started going through the records, talking having a good time. I told them not to touch anything because it was a students, and they didn't touch anything. Some of us went downstairs, one stayed up to look at records, I went back and forth to make sure everything was ok, and then we ended up drinking a bit and sitting on the porch before they decided to head out because of the work I had today. So today everything was fine until I got a call from my dad about two hours ago. He told me that the student in that room had claimed 750 dollars was stolen from him. He believed it was my friends who stole it, my sister was going to call the police (Which I encouraged) but she ended up paying the student out of her own pocket. My friends deny everything and I really don't know what to believe anymore. I got another call from my dad about half an hour ago and he told me that its my job to pay back the 750 now, I'm not allowed to work for my mom anymore, and I'm not allowed to see my girlfriend anymore (I can't see her outside of school hours but she comes over on lunches and spares) So I'm feeling like my life is pretty fucked now, I just left my mother a message telling her I was sorry and that I never knew this would happen, and that I was already at a limit emotionally and its gone past that now, and I honestly can't get through a day wondering how everyone would be if I was dead. Then I said that I honestly believe everyone would be a lot better off if I was dead, even my girlfriend. And I honestly believe it. I just don't know what to do now, I was just starting to do better in school and was working consistently for the first time in a year and now I've got nothing.[/QUOTE] That's not fair of your parents (dad) to do. You aren't required to pay anything to him as he can't prove anything that happened (and it's probably that your friends didn't do anything and are being falsely accused). It seems like you'd benefit from moving out at this point tbh, the strict rules your parents place on you seem to be weighing heavily on you. How old are you if I may ask? You said you have school so if you're in high school I would confide in a school guidance counselor about your issues at home, they will definitely help you. And no, suicide is never an option so don't even fucking think about it. Your girlfriend is with you for a reason, dude - YOU are unique and she sees things in you that make her happy. Same goes with your parents: even though they're strict on you they still love you as their child; this doesn't mean that you have to stay with them and limit your life however.

If it weren't for some bouts of extreme depression and misery I get when thinking about my.. about the person I lost, then I don't think I'd feel anything. I just.. think I'm empty now. I can't tell if that's good. I don't think it is for most people but I feel that's... better for me.

I'm a waste. Everyone would be better off if I weren't here.

I feel just so totally unintelligent and hopeless. Math is like trying to read russian, and any kind of complex text or description just turns into white noise in my mind. I struggle to speak sometimes, even. I'll stutter and pause for 5, 6 seconds just trying to think of a word. I feel like I might genuinely be unintelligent.