Depression, anxiety, suicidalism and similar disorders, issues and troubles V3 - Discussion, help an - General

[QUOTE=Booker K;47602878]I took a break from FP for about a week because of some personal things going on in my life, ended up getting sleep deprived again and worried about what will happen to me in the future. I have a little over a month left of high school and I can't wait to finally be out of here. What mainly worries me though is what will I do next after high school. I have a part time job and am looking into going to college, but I'm afraid I won't do well once I'm there. I mean, my teachers in high school have given me a ton of crap and I struggled a lot without receiving any proper help and counseling, and I'm scared if it'll be the same in college. I want to become successful in my life and do all the things I want to do, but I feel like that won't happen after everything I've been through so far.[/QUOTE] what college are you going to? if you go to a big college, you'll get SO MUCH support it's not even funny. your advisors will be 99999x better than your high school counselors, there's lots of resources that help you with your coursework, and in general you'll find a lot of mature people who are willing to help with your problems. if you truly have the desire and drive to succeed in college, you'll succeed. [editline]26th April 2015[/editline] if you live on campus, get to know your resident assistant or hall director. their job is to make sure you're happy living on campus.

I dunno if I told you all this, but sometimes, when I feel particularly awful, I like to sort of vocalize the war going on in my head between the extreme positive and negative sides of my brain. It's sort of a way to see if I can dissect exactly what's going on and whittle down to smaller issues and work my way up. I visualize it as a Steam chat or some such between two guys I named "One" and "Two". One is the extreme positive side of me and Two is the extreme negative. I'm trying to get them to agree on something but they never seem to. Here's a chatlog I made just recently. [quote]One: ughhh Two: What is it now? One: I feel like total shit today Two: what else is new lol One: i walked out of my job One: on the first day Two: hahahaha Two: are you that much of a fucking sperg? One: excuse me? Two: i didn't stutter Two: who the fuck just leaves on the first day? Two: there better have been a fucking war going on otherwise there was no reason to just leave One: i had a panic attack and broke down One: i just couldn't take all that responsibility One: too much to remember. too many people depending on me. and they just threw me to the wolves Two: uhh Two: welcome to work??? Two: guess what dumbass. that's what work is. you actually have to do stuff by yourself. you aren't always being carried by someone like you have been your entire life lol One: fuck you. you weren't there. Two: i don't need to be there. housekeeping is one of the most basic fucking jobs there is and you failed at that Two: useless twat One: jesus christ do you lack ANY kind of deceny Two: about as much as you lack intelligence, charm, and basic knowledge of how to not be a sperg One: what's the point in even talking to you right now Two: i dunno dipshit you're the one who messaged me Two: think twice if you think i'm gonna baby your dumbass through yet another failure. Two: take the hint Two: life is fucking hard and shitty. but you can't just keep walking away from it if you don't like it Two: stand and take the shit like the rest of us. no one is gonna think any more of you if you just sit there and cry all day about everything Two: there's a reason you're lonely. there's a reason you have no one. it's because of THIS. Two: imagine having to talk to someone who literally does nothing but complain about how hard everything is. Two: that's what living with you would be like Two: no one Two: and I mean NO ONE wants to have to deal with that every day of their lives. Two: so either fix it or be doomed to this stupid shit all the time. and no. no one is gonna magically pop into your life and fix it for you Two: that's hollywood shit Two: get a job, get an education, get a life. stop being such a fucking shitlord. One: i'm trying Two: no Two: youre not One: yes I am Two: what you're doing is more bitching Two: you're looking to me for some catharsis. someone who'll tell you "aww you poor baby everything will be alright we all love you <3333" Two: you ain't gettin' it from me pal One: i just want to stop living in fear like this One: every day is some kind of struggle for me. it's hard to breathe sometimes. i feel cornered and helpless. One: no one will truly understand what's going on unless they go in my head and find out for themselves One: this is no easy shit to deal with. how can i break this routine if I have no confidence in myself? One: and in order to get confidence, I need to believe in myself when I clearly can't do that because of the depression One: and it's so shitty One: i know it's all in my head, but that's the problem. it's all in my head and i can't control it. One: i can't just put a bandaid on it and fix it. what kind of deal with the devil do i have to make to stop this from happening? Two: ffs Two: there IS no deal with the devil you have to make Two: my god quit acting like this is something soley exclusive to you Two: Many many many many people have depression Two: and yes, it sucks, but it's not this impossible barrier Two: YOU control how you feel Two: not some fucking "disease" Two: this is all you, so adapt or perish. One: i'd rather perish at this point Two: lol it's like talking to a wall Two: later dude Two is offline. [/quote] I'm sorry if this is too much, but I just want to know that I'm not crazy for doing this.

Earlier this week I got an email from my mother telling me to go to hell and she doesn't want to deal with me and my bullshit anymore, and to never contact her again. My friends have also left me, everyone but my girlfriend and my dad, and his wife hates the shit out of me and wishes I was dead. I feel so lonely now, not that my girlfriend doesn't do it for me, I love her dearly, but she can't go out a lot, I spend my nights and weekends alone in a room apartment that doesn't have enough space to lie on the floor. I just really want to move out of here, have a job and a vehicle but there are so many things in my way, if I get a job and start making money, I can afford a new apartment but the downside to that is I'll have to get one farther away from my school (Minimum 30-40 minute walk in this depressing city from anywhere else but here) so the solution would be getting a car, well I don't have my G1 so I would have to wait 12 months to be able to drive alone: so also not a solution. I could get a motorcycle ( my dream since I was a child, the first vehicle both my parents drove and my mom has bought me harley and other motorcycle shirts since I was a baby) the only problem with that is somehow affording insurance which in my province makes it almost impossible to get if you're under 20, and if you can get insured I could end up spending 200$ a month just to be able to drive... Im in such a shitty hole right now, the only thing I want to do is get out of here and start living my life to a certain degree, I'm in such a bad place I can't even make casual spending money (I'm talking $10 canadian here) and I can't find a job anywhere in Mississauga. I really don't know how to get out, and I've been thinking a lot more seriously about suicide lately because I don't know what else to do.

[QUOTE=Mysterious;47605400]I dunno if I told you all this, but sometimes, when I feel particularly awful, I like to sort of vocalize the war going on in my head between the extreme positive and negative sides of my brain. It's sort of a way to see if I can dissect exactly what's going on and whittle down to smaller issues and work my way up. I visualize it as a Steam chat or some such between two guys I named "One" and "Two". One is the extreme positive side of me and Two is the extreme negative. I'm trying to get them to agree on something but they never seem to. Here's a chatlog I made just recently. I'm sorry if this is too much, but I just want to know that I'm not crazy for doing this.[/QUOTE] I used to do the same when I couldn't get things off my chest. I found one recently I did maybe 2 weeks ago: [url]http://pastebin.com/RdK2FVEX[/url] I'd say it worked in motivating me a little, and to realize that certain issues where just all in my head.

Welp, parents getting a divorce, although it seems to be a uncontested divorce, although me and my brothers will still be living in the same house we do now and our income will still be roughly the same. Me and my brothers are also nearly all adults with my little brother turning 18 next year, which is when they predict the divorce will probably be finalized. My mom is going to stay with us until then and then she will move to somewhere around here, then she is going to move back to texas but she will still visit us. Honestly I dont know exactly what to feel. Its like I know its going about just as well as it could possibly go, but I still feel sad about it.

Sometimes I stop to think about my life as a whole and realize that there is not much too lose. I've tried to keep it secret and most of the times I seem like a person that got the hold of himself. My parents are really proud of my doing all my work like I should, but the time I enjoy most now is being out drinking. Wasting money and if friends are around that is just a plus. I usually go out for my own sake, to drink and hopefully don't remember the failures of the week. Like when my anger got the best of me when someone I really tried to be friend with constantly "harassed" people with a watergun. Most people thought of it as funny, but I ended up leaving and crying in the toilets and trying to calm myself down. Didn't even feel like meeting up the next day because I knew people would laugh. I'm that weird kid that doesn't like to constantly sprayed water on, mostly on my belongings, food or eyes. Most people made a fit about for my sake, but then I felt even worse for making people use time to help me. Time they will never get back because I'm just a waste of space...

legitimately about to have a breakdown now apparently i'm now classified as obese. I'm 6"4 and weigh 250 pounds, like 6 months ago I swear I weighed 200 pounds I want to blame others but I can only blame myself [editline]27th April 2015[/editline] I'm trying to find an app that gives me daily reminders on my PC about loosing weight but I can't find shit. I should be spending time working out but I'm spending time trying to find a program that works.

[QUOTE=ROFLBURGER;47611739]legitimately about to have a breakdown now apparently i'm now classified as obese. I'm 6"4 and weigh 250 pounds, like 6 months ago I swear I weighed 200 pounds I want to blame others but I can only blame myself [editline]27th April 2015[/editline] I'm trying to find an app that gives me daily reminders on my PC about loosing weight but I can't find shit. I should be spending time working out but I'm spending time trying to find a program that works.[/QUOTE] I just started this [url]https://www.loseit.com/[/url] Just log in to it each day and log what you eat and do

[QUOTE=ROFLBURGER;47611739]legitimately about to have a breakdown now apparently i'm now classified as obese. I'm 6"4 and weigh 250 pounds, like 6 months ago I swear I weighed 200 pounds I want to blame others but I can only blame myself [editline]27th April 2015[/editline] I'm trying to find an app that gives me daily reminders on my PC about loosing weight but I can't find shit. I should be spending time working out but I'm spending time trying to find a program that works.[/QUOTE] I REALLY recommend Tim Ferris' slow carb diet. [url]http://fourhourworkweek.com/category/the-slow-carb-diet/[/url] I've been at it for a month and a half and feel great. It can feel limiting sometimes but that's easy to get over when you consider cheat days every Satuday. Cheat days are amazing. The simplest approach though is to just eat Paleo.

The problem is that I don't exercise and I drink soda and I eat a lot of nuts and low fat popcorn. I'm just drinking water for now on. I drink about 4 sodas per day to keep me going. This is pretty much my diet. 12PM: Nuts or Popcorn + Soda 4PM: Nuts or Popcorn + Soda 7PM: Dinner 9PM: Nuts or Popcorn + Soda Nuts have a ton of fat in them [editline]27th April 2015[/editline] like this soda has 1 days worth of sugar in them, I seriously wish the nutrition label actually included them like this [t]http://i.imgur.com/aX1EQKj.png[/t] if i saw that 102% I would've quit soda long ago but I can only blame myself

I applied to university. I have to take this adult english course in order to get into fall classes. English is my worst subject. I have to wake up at 7:30AM, leave the house at 7:40AM to catch the bus. It involves two carefully timed bus transfers. I have some sort of sleep disorder where I need 12 hours in order to feel rested so I have about a week to make my sleeping schedule 7PM to 7AM instead of 10PM to 10AM (It starts next week.) My parents will be gone next week because they love going to vegas. I also have to sign up for courses in the fall sometime soon and I forgot what she told me to do. Can someone say anxiety

Well sort of got over the initial shock of the divorce thing, and well I suppose things will just happen now. I will miss my mom when she leaves but I guess we can still stay in contact.

[QUOTE=ROFLBURGER;47612476]The problem is that I don't exercise and I drink soda and I eat a lot of nuts and low fat popcorn. I'm just drinking water for now on. I drink about 4 sodas per day to keep me going. This is pretty much my diet. 12PM: Nuts or Popcorn + Soda 4PM: Nuts or Popcorn + Soda 7PM: Dinner 9PM: Nuts or Popcorn + Soda Nuts have a ton of fat in them [editline]27th April 2015[/editline] like this soda has 1 days worth of sugar in them, I seriously wish the nutrition label actually included them like this [t]http://i.imgur.com/aX1EQKj.png[/t] if i saw that 102% I would've quit soda long ago but I can only blame myself[/QUOTE] Dog start drinking coffee or taking caffeine pills if you need a jolt. Sugar is so bad for you - I was on the same level of like 4 or 5 Dr. Ps a day for a while. Stay away from artificial sugars as a whole, they're nothing but poison. Also try setting your alarm so that you wake up with 9 hours of sleep. That's called timing the REM cycle, look it up.

if you're ever craving sugar just eat some fruit

[QUOTE=ROFLBURGER;47612476]The problem is that I don't exercise and I drink soda and I eat a lot of nuts and low fat popcorn. I'm just drinking water for now on. I drink about 4 sodas per day to keep me going. This is pretty much my diet. 12PM: Nuts or Popcorn + Soda 4PM: Nuts or Popcorn + Soda 7PM: Dinner 9PM: Nuts or Popcorn + Soda Nuts have a ton of fat in them [editline]27th April 2015[/editline] like this soda has 1 days worth of sugar in them, I seriously wish the nutrition label actually included them like this [t]http://i.imgur.com/aX1EQKj.png[/t] if i saw that 102% I would've quit soda long ago but I can only blame myself[/QUOTE] that's super good that you've stopped drinking the old soda pop! literally no benefits except for the taste and i guarantee you wont enjoy the taste anymore after a month or two with just water. you'll realize how disgustingly sweet they can be. i recently had to quit drinking and any sort of drug use as well as cigarettes. going off drinking cold turkey was the hardest fucking thing for the first week since i had been using it heavily as a way of avoiding my depression and anxiety for 5 years now. it's been a month now since any of that stuff and i'm starting to feel so much better just being sober. i dunno how you guys feel about spirituality but nothing gets me onto a positive buzz than reading stuff like Ram Dass' superb book BE HERE NOW as well as advaita vendanta, sufism and zen in general. I'm reading Spinoza's Ethics at the moment. Monism has to be one of the most interesting and fulfilling things. I really suggest people with anxiety and stuff get into that stuff. Starting with Alan Watts is probably the best. Especially his book, "The Wisdom of Insecurity".

[QUOTE=Scum;47614898] I really suggest people with anxiety and stuff get into that stuff. Starting with Alan Watts is probably the best. Especially his book, "The Wisdom of Insecurity".[/QUOTE] My man right here! My life's done the quickest 180 since I tapped into my spiritual side. In a year I went from a wreck to being zen af - it's all about realizing that [I]you are not your thoughts[/I]. What can you tell me about monism? I've never hear that term but I'm in love with the feeling of One.

[QUOTE=skynrdfan3;47615483]My man right here! My life's done the quickest 180 since I tapped into my spiritual side. In a year I went from a wreck to being zen af - it's all about realizing that [I]you are not your thoughts[/I]. What can you tell me about monism? I've never hear that term but I'm in love with the feeling of One.[/QUOTE] it's a sorta pantheistic idea that existence is god/god is existence and so all things are god and all things are inherently the same - the same god. this is what is meant when the zen master when asked about what the buddha is, replies "a piece of dried dung" cos a piece of dried shit is just as holy as the buddha. we are just as holy as the buddha. we are just as holy as dried turds. this is why negative/separating comparisons don't make sense because we are all the same. no winners and no losers. advaita basically translates to not two, and is the most ancient form of pantheism known, i think. einstein and carl sagan were both real big pantheists too which lots of people mistook for believing in the abrahamic god :P oh. Taoism is probably one of the best entry points for monism. They describe it in less of a God way but more of a fact of perception where positives and negatives rely on each other to be defined and so are not separate but connected, not two but one. Lao Tzu says it nicely with "When people see some things as beautiful, other things become ugly. When people see some things as good, other things become bad. Being and non-being create each other. Difficult and easy support each other. Long and short define each other. High and low depend on each other. Before and after follow each other. Therefore the Master acts without doing anything and teaches without saying anything. Things arise and she lets them come; things disappear and she lets them go. She has but doesn't possess, acts but doesn't expect. When her work is done, she forgets it. That is why it lasts forever." And yeah man, the feeling of universal oneness is one of the greatest and calming things i've experienced. and mindfulness is such a great cure for moments of anxiety [editline]28th April 2015[/editline] strongly suggest you invest in the BE HERE NOW book. one of the best spiritual guidebooks i've read and always pick up now and again to look up different ideas. Baba Ram Dass is basically empathy in human form. [editline]28th April 2015[/editline] the baha'i faith is another great one. as well as mystical Christianity (read Eckhart or The Way of the Pilgrim) and Islam (read any book on Sufism or written by a Sufi - especially rumi! his poetry and ideas are sooooo incredible)

A thing that has bothered me my entire life is that people often tell me that I'm trying when i am, as if i had just excelled at everything before then. And when i tell them I'm just not good at it, they just tell me that they don't believe me. As if i can't just be not good at something. Maybe stop telling me that I'm not trying and help me.

[QUOTE=ROFLBURGER;47588913]Released one of my scripts for money on a website. I'm friends with one of friend's friends, the guy is a lua coder who happened to be subscripted to my youtube channel. guy started nitpicking every single fucking thing about it and it got me really stressed out, he's done this before and he treats me like I don't know how to code. I don't know if I just can't take constructive criticism or what. [editline]24th April 2015[/editline] Ironic that I feel like crying myself to sleep. Me and said friend (not the nitpicker) have a joke involving crying.[/QUOTE] Find where he lives, and nut the bastard. That was probably really late, but what ever. Still, go and nut him.

I think part of me has gotten so used to being depressed that failure seems like the obvious outcome to everything I attempt to do. Is possible that part of my mind want's me to be depressed so I can take the easy path? Sometimes I wonder if I'd have achieved more in life if I'd have taken Ritalin as a kid. I'd love ask for help, but if I ask for help people say "you need professional help", if do that then I look like some crazy douchebag and I get ripped off, (I'm not criminally insane). So I think I have live the rest of my life as this negative depressed guy as there really isn't a solution. I'm stuck in an infinite loop unlike I eventually die. Every time I say that I like something people tell me I'm wrong. On another note, is there a drug to block romantic thoughts, it's just that I don't need unnecessary distractions. I'm not talking sexual thoughts, just that other BS.

[QUOTE=Scum;47615873]it's a sorta pantheistic idea that existence is god/god is existence and so all things are god and all things are inherently the same - the same god. this is what is meant when the zen master when asked about what the buddha is, replies "a piece of dried dung" cos a piece of dried shit is just as holy as the buddha. we are just as holy as the buddha. we are just as holy as dried turds. this is why negative/separating comparisons don't make sense because we are all the same. no winners and no losers. advaita basically translates to not two, and is the most ancient form of pantheism known, i think. einstein and carl sagan were both real big pantheists too which lots of people mistook for believing in the abrahamic god :P oh. Taoism is probably one of the best entry points for monism. They describe it in less of a God way but more of a fact of perception where positives and negatives rely on each other to be defined and so are not separate but connected, not two but one. Lao Tzu says it nicely with "When people see some things as beautiful, other things become ugly. When people see some things as good, other things become bad. Being and non-being create each other. Difficult and easy support each other. Long and short define each other. High and low depend on each other. Before and after follow each other. Therefore the Master acts without doing anything and teaches without saying anything. Things arise and she lets them come; things disappear and she lets them go. She has but doesn't possess, acts but doesn't expect. When her work is done, she forgets it. That is why it lasts forever." And yeah man, the feeling of universal oneness is one of the greatest and calming things i've experienced. and mindfulness is such a great cure for moments of anxiety [editline]28th April 2015[/editline] strongly suggest you invest in the BE HERE NOW book. one of the best spiritual guidebooks i've read and always pick up now and again to look up different ideas. Baba Ram Dass is basically empathy in human form. [editline]28th April 2015[/editline] the baha'i faith is another great one. as well as mystical Christianity (read Eckhart or The Way of the Pilgrim) and Islam (read any book on Sufism or written by a Sufi - especially rumi! his poetry and ideas are sooooo incredible)[/QUOTE] Never read Ram Dass but you make a great case for him, def checking it out. You mentioned Eckhart who I'm a pretty huge fan of. You read The Power of Now I'm guessing? I really wanna check out Practicing the Power of Now. I find it really easy to become incredibly present during the time in which I reads books like that, only to lose that 'momentum' as I stop reading them. It's funny how mindfulness is [I]literally[/I] the most basic of things a person can possibly "do", and yet how difficult it can be to maintain it. I guess that's a testament to the unnecessarily complicated lives we've become addicted to!

[QUOTE=Booker K;47617785]Sometimes I wish I could run away from my family already and never see them again. My step father does nothing except be an asshole to me and nobody else says anything to defend me. Me and my parents were in the car not long ago to take me to school and we were all joking around and laughing and as I started to my step father just out of no where stops the car and threatens to throw me out and to show some respect. What respect? I just wanted to join in and have some fun and he treats me as if I shouldn't be part of it, I was about ready to punch him and run away but I felt numb and silent as if I couldn't do anything. My mom didn't even say much other than its best for me not to say anything. I'm so sick of my family, get me out of here already.[/QUOTE] I have a similar situation with my father, no matter how hard I try I can't see it from his perspective so I just avoid him as much as possible. You ain't alone bud.

[QUOTE=skynrdfan3;47621405]Never read Ram Dass but you make a great case for him, def checking it out. You mentioned Eckhart who I'm a pretty huge fan of. You read The Power of Now I'm guessing? I really wanna check out Practicing the Power of Now. I find it really easy to become incredibly present during the time in which I reads books like that, only to lose that 'momentum' as I stop reading them. It's funny how mindfulness is [I]literally[/I] the most basic of things a person can possibly "do", and yet how difficult it can be to maintain it. I guess that's a testament to the unnecessarily complicated lives we've become addicted to![/QUOTE] oh yeah man. i was meaning the christian mystic meister eckhart but yeah eckhart tolle is brilliant. yeah the power of now was amazing. and yeah i get what you mean dog. i've heard it be said that spirituality books are like vitamin supplements. they're brilliant as additions to the spiritual life but need to be taken in along side meditation/yoga and daily mindfulness practice. it was when reading eckhart tolle that i was able to get over the devastating feelings of guilt and shame that i'd get when waking up in the mornings by following his advice on just silently focusing on the feelings without judgement or trying to figure them out. i burst out laughing when these feelings actually disappeared under silent awareness. it was amazing.

I've stumbled upon a somewhat curious concept yesterday. It can explain quite a bunch of things wrong with me. While probably knowing that this is a thing won't make it go away some of you might still find it insightful. [video=youtube;YMPzDiraNnA]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YMPzDiraNnA[/video]

On a scale to 1-10, how safe is it to talk in here?

[QUOTE=Secrios;47626782]On a scale to 1-10, how safe is it to talk in here?[/QUOTE] Well there is no true 100% guarantee that what you say here stays here. That said, many people (myself included) have spilled very personal details that we might not even tell our own friends or families. I think what it comes down to is whether you are afraid that somebody you know will read this thread. I haven't seen people ridiculed or shamed for things they post here, but there is always a risk. Also I am pretty confident that expressing suicidal thoughts or feelings won't get somebody to call the police on you except in extreme circumstances. For the most part, we are just a keyboard on the internet, not a friend or therapist or psych. I hope this answers your question. Sorry for no 1-10 rating.

so im currently having some trouble with the uni thing apparently my application was denied, i decided to log in to their little uni webserver thing because I did not get an email. it was denied because of incomplete information. for christ sakes I was at the actual uni itself and there was a woman who does this kind of thing hovering over my shoulder and saying "fill this out, don't fill that out, don't fill that out" left the student counseling a message expressing this problem, if she doesn't call today I'm going to send in a new application this whole experience has been a big fucking joke. I talked to someone on monday about plans for uni and it was a bit rushed because all the information was bigger than my little head so I didn't take in all of it. I'm remembering fragments of it. [editline]29th April 2015[/editline] [QUOTE=Secrios;47626782]On a scale to 1-10, how safe is it to talk in here?[/QUOTE] 9/10 1 out of 20 posts I get the occasional idiot posting shit on my visitor messages about it or just rating all my posts funny but that's because I have beef with them. if you have serious beef with someone who is mentally unstable and you post something out there like "I have these stupid urges to hurt my father" then it will probably be used against you

[QUOTE=Scum;47622280]oh yeah man. i was meaning the christian mystic meister eckhart but yeah eckhart tolle is brilliant. yeah the power of now was amazing. and yeah i get what you mean dog. i've heard it be said that spirituality books are like vitamin supplements. they're brilliant as additions to the spiritual life but need to be taken in along side meditation/yoga and daily mindfulness practice. it was when reading eckhart tolle that i was able to get over the devastating feelings of guilt and shame that i'd get when waking up in the mornings by following his advice on just silently focusing on the feelings without judgement or trying to figure them out. i burst out laughing when these feelings actually disappeared under silent awareness. it was amazing.[/QUOTE] I like that analogy liking spiritual books to vitamins, I think that's a good way to look at it. And yeah, it's crazy how turning your thoughts off can turn your attitude on a dime. Earlier today I was just walking to campus getting unnecessarily caught up in the idea that I was looking like an idiot (for some reason, totally imagined), then I just started to let my thoughts pass, without judgement, and it was nothing short of an aha! moment. And also I'm pretty sure Eckhart Tolle's name comes from Meister Eckhart - he changed it because Meister's teachings had a profound impact on his life, apparently. [QUOTE=Booker K;47628192]I had a talk with my mom earlier, we were talking about how I'll need to find a better job soon, especially since I'm going to be graduating high school in a month, and then she brought up about how I'll most likely have to pay for rent once I do because my biological father will no longer be paying child support for me, which will end up having my mom lose money for my own support, hence the rent so she can support me. This also basically shows my biological father doesn't seem to care about me, if he actually cared about me, he probably would have continued paying child support for me, regardless that I'm over eighteen years old and a high school graduate, or never even cheated on my mom and didn't bother to fight in court ten years ago during their divorce. I've come to the decision, now that I have a more clear view of the way my biological father is, that I'm not going to bother visiting him anymore or even talking to him. Honestly, whenever I do visit or talk to him, I end up staying at his mom's place alone, he has enough vacation time to spend with me for a long time but would rather just spend it elsewhere, and the only time I ever have a conversation with him on the phone is around the time it's my birthday, which only lasts for like a minute or so. So yeah, I'm just not gonna bother being with someone who actually doesn't care about me, maybe that'll give my biological father a clue to his act of selfishness and being so careless.[/QUOTE] Check this out man, I just discovered it today: [url]https://charliehoehn.files.wordpress.com/2009/07/recession-proof-graduate1.pdf[/url] I can't really speak on the issues you have with your father - I would just be utterly transparent next time you find yourself speaking with him. Clear-cut sentences sentences have always been my preferred method of communication when I'm speaking with someone about a touchy topic. In your case, I feel that something like, "So I don't think you really care about me, what's up with that?" Then just stabbing through any vague answers he may give with more clear-cut questions.

Having anxiety attacks about my future. Signing up for university has been difficult, and I'm honestly scared of going. Even thought it's for 1 class that's supposed to get me into uni if I pass. I'm having thoughts of suicide again. I keeping thinking that if I would be wasting my parent's money if I went to uni and then later offed myself. I need one big reason to off myself. I have plenty of small ones but I'm not motivated to actually do it. [editline]30th April 2015[/editline] Crying right now. I've been crying myself to sleep often. I'm thinking about writing a suicide note right now trying to convince everyone not to feel bad. But my parents are going to Vegas and my sister will be the only one with me, I can't let them go through that.

[QUOTE=ROFLBURGER;47630225]Having anxiety attacks about my future. Signing up for university has been difficult, and I'm honestly scared of going. Even thought it's for 1 class that's supposed to get me into uni if I pass. I'm having thoughts of suicide again. I keeping thinking that if I would be wasting my parent's money if I went to uni and then later offed myself. I need one big reason to off myself. I have plenty of small ones but I'm not motivated to actually do it. [editline]30th April 2015[/editline] Crying right now. I've been crying myself to sleep often. I'm thinking about writing a suicide note right now trying to convince everyone not to feel bad. But my parents are going to Vegas and my sister will be the only one with me, I can't let them go through that.[/QUOTE] Do you have a therapist?