Depression, anxiety, suicidalism and similar disorders, issues and troubles V3 - Discussion, help an - General

[QUOTE=ROFLBURGER;47630225]Having anxiety attacks about my future. Signing up for university has been difficult, and I'm honestly scared of going. Even thought it's for 1 class that's supposed to get me into uni if I pass. I'm having thoughts of suicide again. I keeping thinking that if I would be wasting my parent's money if I went to uni and then later offed myself. I need one big reason to off myself. I have plenty of small ones but I'm not motivated to actually do it. [editline]30th April 2015[/editline] Crying right now. I've been crying myself to sleep often. I'm thinking about writing a suicide note right now trying to convince everyone not to feel bad. But my parents are going to Vegas and my sister will be the only one with me, I can't let them go through that.[/QUOTE] you don't have to go to university, friend. lots of people take 1 or 2 gap years to make sure they're doing what they want to do. but if you do go, most universities and polytechnics have in-house counselors which are very good at helping with study-related stress and anxiety. it's okay to cry but you need to hold on to the fact that things will get better. every day is a new step to becoming what you want to be.

[QUOTE=GeneralSpecific;47630345]Do you have a therapist?[/QUOTE] No. Not anymore. It was literally "you're having me for a few sessions, if you don't get better than oh well". I wasn't getting better and the therapist was really rude so she was difficult to tell her my issues. [QUOTE=Scum;47630589]you don't have to go to university, friend. lots of people take 1 or 2 gap years to make sure they're doing what they want to do. but if you do go, most universities and polytechnics have in-house counselors which are very good at helping with study-related stress and anxiety. it's okay to cry but you need to hold on to the fact that things will get better. every day is a new step to becoming what you want to be.[/QUOTE] I already took a year off and I tried working but I couldn't handle the stress so I quit 2 weeks in. I'm trying to subtily tell my mother idk if I can handle 2 classes when my parents are in Vegas but she doesn't get the message so it looks like I'm going. [editline]30th April 2015[/editline] They're really upset with me that I took a year off and did nothing so I can't just say no.

[QUOTE=ROFLBURGER;47632448]No. Not anymore. It was literally "you're having me for a few sessions, if you don't get better than oh well". I wasn't getting better and the therapist was really rude so she was difficult to tell her my issues.[/QUOTE] I want to emphasize that therapists are all different and you should maybe try to find another.

Went shopping with my mother. Saw an old classmate working as a pharmacist, one of the most handsomely paid jobs on the planet. Made me feel worse. I'm trying to print off directions on how to get their by bus but the printer keeps jamming. Its like theres some sort of god out there who's trying to make this as difficult as possible for me. [QUOTE=GeneralSpecific;47633781]I want to emphasize that therapists are all different and you should maybe try to find another.[/QUOTE] I'm not covered by any health plan and I have no disposable income. Previous two (I've had two so far) were from my father's healthcare plan (which I'm not covered by anymore).

Nah dude, you have a tendency to victimise yourself, there isn't a God trying to make life difficult for you, you seem to take things harder than you should. Instead of having that mentality, have: "well fuck, the printer is jamming and I can't fix it. Since I need these directions, I'll just write them out by hand". Genuine opinion though, I do not think you'll be able to hack uni, at all. You're not in the state of mind to take that responsibility on, so I'd suggest you have a proper sit down with your parents and explain to them that you aren't ready to make the step yet. All that's gonna happen if you do go ahead with this is you'll end up becoming more anxious and stressed and then flunk or drop out. You can't handle the stress of a job, I guarantee you won't be able to handle the stress of uni until you've reached a point where you either start seeing a psychologist to help you get a better handle on things, or start taking antidepressants, cause your behaviour isn't healthy. Also, there are some parts in your post that just raise a big red flag that prove you wouldn't be able to handle uni. All I know is, if I was in your shoes, I'd want someone to give me the advice I'm giving you now. Also, in terms of getting a job, I'd force myself out of my comfort zone, even if it was stressful or whatever. I'd rather have that than be stuck sitting on my arse all day with no income and relying on handouts. EDIT: I wasn't gonna post, but I decided to, cause you've been stuck in this pessimistic, fatalistic rut for months. Like it's been 6 months and most every time you post, it just makes it clear you really need a professional to help you out.

[QUOTE=ROFLBURGER;47634031] I'm not covered by any health plan and I have no disposable income. Previous two (I've had two so far) were from my father's healthcare plan (which I'm not covered by anymore).[/QUOTE] I know I can't make you get help, from a therapist or doctor or whatever, but I can tell you that I think it would be best. It seems like you have a lot of circumstances and behaviors that are making life really hard for you right now. That doesn't mean you are crazy or a failure or a bad person. It just means that maybe it's time to change some things. The way I see it, you have 2 options. 1: Try and tough it out yourself which could have a few outcomes. You could break through on your own, and beat this. I won't pretend that it is impossible. You could be stuck in this rut for a long time. This seems pretty likely to me. Or in your stubbornness to fight alone, the worst, most unthinkable thing could happen. The danger of suicide is [I]very real.[/I] I am going to be completely, brutally honest and tell you that I do not want you to die. Option 2: You get help. It won't be easy and it won't fix everything. It will be hard work and a financial drain and at times painful. I believe that it is a good way to help you stay safe and maybe even get better. What ever decision you make, I really hope you can take these words to heart.

even though i have differences with loopoo, I listened to him and I had a 2 hour long discussion with my mother about outcomes for my future Option 1: Suck it up and learn to take the bus, go to uni. Ask your friend who is really fucking good at english to help you if you have trouble Option 2: Take a few steps at a time, go to uni, on monday ask for the next 2 classes work ahead of time saying that you can't make the next two classes (when my parents are away). Ask your friend who is really fucking good at english to help you. Option 3: Don't go to uni. Spend the only money you have ($1000) for therapy and/or anxeity medication that may or may not work. Option 4: Don't go to uni. Get a job back at that tech support place, but insist that they do not swap your job at the last minute like last time. Wait until fall/winter to go to uni. I resent my application yesterday so I can't really go for option 3 or 4 unless it's denied again for another reason. In the meantime, I'm writing a strongly written letter to my previous therapist's company asking what my current options are, among other things.

Tech Support, as in over-the-phone helpline? Cause if so, fuck that. Working at a call center is the shittiest job ever. Work nightshifts stacking shelves in supermarkets or something. It's what I did a few Summers ago and it's great: just walk in, plug your headphones in and work peacefully. [editline]1st May 2015[/editline] Also, don't pay for private therapy. Canada has free healthcare, no? You can get perfectly adequate help on that. Don't let your first experience put you off.

[QUOTE=loopoo;47635117]Tech Support, as in over-the-phone helpline? Cause if so, fuck that. Working at a call center is the shittiest job ever. Work nightshifts stacking shelves in supermarkets or something. It's what I did a few Summers ago and it's great: just walk in, plug your headphones in and work peacefully. [editline]1st May 2015[/editline] Also, don't pay for private therapy. Canada has free healthcare, no? You can get perfectly adequate help on that. Don't let your first experience put you off.[/QUOTE] It's not an over the phone job. They put me with tech support over the phone help even though I insisted in the in person review and the over the phone review that I would not be satisfactory in my performance. They had a lot of typing only related jobs open, which made me distrust the company. Canada does not have free health care in the way that you think. Canada has "free" health care if you're part of an insurance plan and meet all the requirements. Since I'm 19, I'm no longer eligible for free healthcare unless I'm a full time student so I have to pay for it all. I think I'm covered for a hospital bill. But medication, mental health related sessions, dental services, and various other things are no longer free. it's based on how much you need it. For example, if you received an injury, you're covered by the government. If you have depression and you need medication to help you feel better, you're not covered by the govenment. And that wasn't my first therapist. I've had 2 therapists, and 1 child psychiatrist. I told the child psychiatrist about issues with my father, and she tracked my progress with this medication that I was on. I don't know if my father was told of any of this, but that worked as a short-term solution to my problem. My other therapist was a therapist in training, she was incredibly friendly but she didn't really help that much with my biggest problem because she didn't understand it. I told her about my father, but nothing was really done in that area. I bitched about my latest therapist too much in this thread, I think people get the idea. The only therapy that worked was the family counseling, because my father's work was essentially paying for the therapist to tell my dad to chill the fuck out.

Anyone here who has beat depression, how do you feel about the missing years of your life? I feel regret that I can't get my 3 years back.

[QUOTE=ROFLBURGER;47635066]even though i have differences with loopoo, I listened to him and I had a 2 hour long discussion with my mother about outcomes for my future Option 1: Suck it up and learn to take the bus, go to uni. Ask your friend who is really fucking good at english to help you if you have trouble Option 2: Take a few steps at a time, go to uni, on monday ask for the next 2 classes work ahead of time saying that you can't make the next two classes (when my parents are away). Ask your friend who is really fucking good at english to help you. Option 3: Don't go to uni. Spend the only money you have ($1000) for therapy and/or anxeity medication that may or may not work. Option 4: Don't go to uni. Get a job back at that tech support place, but insist that they do not swap your job at the last minute like last time. Wait until fall/winter to go to uni. I resent my application yesterday so I can't really go for option 3 or 4 unless it's denied again for another reason. In the meantime, I'm writing a strongly written letter to my previous therapist's company asking what my current options are, among other things.[/QUOTE] i myself would suggest option 3. i have been in the situation of going into higher education without being ready because i felt like i was being left behind and it peaked to me opening my arms in a bathtub whilst my flatmates slept. fortunately for myself, one of my flatmates found me before i completely bled out and an ambulance was sent. i really recommend you take things easy and don't rush into something you don't feel ready for because from my experience it can fuck things up more and i was much more optimistic than you are. i really really really suggest you look into starting cognitive behavior therapy in addition to medication. and when your applications are accepted, that doesn't mean you are stuck in having to go. there are always other options. you need to make sure you take the ones that are healthiest for you in the moment. [editline]1st May 2015[/editline] [QUOTE=elevate;47636093]Anyone here who has beat depression, how do you feel about the missing years of your life? I feel regret that I can't get my 3 years back.[/QUOTE] i've been depressed and had awful anxiety for 4 years and but i don't regret it. the only things i do regret are my suicide attempts and self harm because scars are annoying to have and i wish i hadn't put my friends and family through it. for the most part i have that cliche idea that the shit times in our lives help us develop and better appreciate the good times. two of the best things i've learnt in my attempts to get better is that communication and empathy with others is key to better living and that feeling regret for things already past is both unhealthy and a waste of time.

I think I have mentioned before on here that I am bipolar, but since I am not arrogant enough to think people pay close enough attention to my infrequent posts to remember things about me I feel the need to make note of that as it bears repeating since I think it is potentially relevant to how things have been going for me. This is kind of a long, weird post, so I understand if anyone ignores it. I just need to get it off my chest. I have been having these "episodes" lately. I don't know if they really fall under the umbrella of anxiety or panic attacks, though, since those are not really the feelings I feel when they happen. Rather, I feel completely overwhelmed by these esoteric feelings that would take a long time to explain, as they are not tied to words so much as memories and dreams and private concepts. I know that is really vague and nonsensical but that is the best way I can put it. Then I am taken over by a feeling of something like dread that goes deep inside of me and makes me want to die. Or lay down forever. They have been happening with increasing frequency, including one in the middle of class out of nowhere yesterday. I did not know what to do, so I went to the bathroom and looked at myself in the mirror. I realized I was not looking so good. Then I smashed my face into the mirror, which cracked it. I looked at myself again, and I was not bleeding or anything, so I went back to class like nothing happened. It felt like an eternity but it was not even a minute, if I can trust the clock. I could not focus well after that. I also had another episode when I was at the cafe, drinking tea before another class. I felt a feeling kind of like lightning up and down my spine, and my blood was very cold. I could not wait for the waitress to ring me up, because I had no choice but to leave, so I left a $20 bill for my $3 tea. Getting home was a blur, but I remember stopping to take a picture of a [url=http://i.imgur.com/TPgs3aV.jpg]ladybug.[/url] When I got home the enormity of everything set in, and I felt this acute loneliness that was so unreal. That feeling of complete disconnect. I have felt it once before, two years ago. That was bad enough. I posted before about the last girlfriend I had, the one who killed herself, which is yet another thing to add to the checklist of why I am completely beyond repair, and the reason I felt it then was because of her. It is such a difficult feeling to describe, and even harder to live with. It is not the kind of feeling you can really come back from. I am not trying to be dramatic or anything, because I loathe histrionics and try to be as matter-of-fact and honest as possible. It is a feeling that, once felt, literally separates you from the rest of the human race. It cut me off. I cannot connect to anyone anymore in a meaningful way after it, and to feel it again, and again, and as many more times as I have these episodes, concerns me. It is not like I hate people now, or anything like that. It means I don't feel human anymore, and that I feel there is a huge gulf separating us. Besides that, I have not been sleeping well for the past two weeks. I have been having nothing but nightmares on the nights I do sleep. I usually only sleep for three hours at a time, exactly three hours, so to have those precious few hours be so fitful has made things worse. I wake up sweating, with an aching sore throat like I was gargling stomach acids and the taste of vomit in my mouth. The lack of sleep is not related to the episodes, however. I was having them before I had this issue. I doubt it is helping, though. I also have something called misophonia, which has been acting up especially bad for me lately, since I have been forced to be around inconsiderate people as part of school and other things. For anyone who does not know what that is, it literally means hatred of sound, and that means certain noises cause an actual fight-or-flight response within me. Noises like people chewing, eating, wheezing, tapping, dogs barking, licking things, stuff people don't even notice or care about. I have very strong self-control. I really have no choice but to with the issues I have. I take pride in it, though. You would never guess that I have any of these issues if you were to meet me. But lately it has been getting more and more difficult. So many noises set me off now. The other day I was talking to some dude on campus, who initiated the conversation with me, by the way, since I tend to avoid speaking anymore, and when I said something he disagreed with he got incredibly loud, at which point I was overwhelmed by the urge to stop him from ever making a noise like that again, to put it politely. Keep in mind that I am a huge (legit 6'5"), well-built man and you can see how that is a potentially dangerous feeling to have. Instead I left as quickly as I could, considered throwing myself under a passing bus, considered blowing my brains out, and then eventually I calmed down. It is like that for me almost all the time now. If you take inventory of everything here, you wind up with a person who is bipolar, incredibly depressed and lonely, increasingly divorced from people and disillusioned with reality, who does not sleep well, frequently has nightmares when he does sleep, and who cannot stand noises so many humans make without even realizing it to the extent that it makes him have such visceral reactions as wanting to either kill himself or hurt the person making the noise. I am a complete mess. The chances for me ever being okay or living a satisfactory life are so slim that it legitimately seems much more practical for me to die rather than trying to conform the world to my whims because neither one of us will bend. I am like a piece from one puzzle, and the world is another puzzle entirely, which does not make me nor the world evil or anything, but I cannot fit anywhere nor can I force it. I have thought about it a lot and it seriously does make the most sense. I am not about to go off and kill myself now or anything, but I do think that once you take everything into consideration it is the most logical decision. I haven't seen or been confronted with any other realistic, valid options. :tinfoil:

I just don't understand what causes this insane fatigue I've been experiencing for the past few months. it came along with my derealization feeling, but it feels more like I'm physically sick, not mentally sick. everyone around me says I'm getting better, but I feel the opposite. I feel things are going down. they're correct in that I'm more functioning than I used to be, but that's only one factor in this big mess. writing this requires so much energy from me it's insane. I take frequent breaks from typing, struggling to find words and just phasing out frequently. my concentration is a mess. I don't know what to do with my life. I don't have any long term goals, nor any short term goals. I'm just existing. I don't feel happy, nor do I ever feel sad. I feel neutral. I find my sessions with my psychologist to be harder than before since I'm having a harder time reading my own emotions. I'm so tired of all the talk around my mental health. I just want to be in peace. leave the ward, isolate myself in a room from everyone and just be alone. I'm so exhausted of everything. [editline]1st May 2015[/editline] I'm sick of the ward [editline]1st May 2015[/editline] I miss the times where I was able to sit down with a game for hours upon hours and get completely hooked. I don't get that same feeling anymore for a lot of things, it just feels tiresome

[QUOTE=PredGD;47640134]I just don't understand what causes this insane fatigue I've been experiencing for the past few months. it came along with my derealization feeling, but it feels more like I'm physically sick, not mentally sick. everyone around me says I'm getting better, but I feel the opposite. I feel things are going down. they're correct in that I'm more functioning than I used to be, but that's only one factor in this big mess. writing this requires so much energy from me it's insane. I take frequent breaks from typing, struggling to find words and just phasing out frequently. my concentration is a mess. I don't know what to do with my life. I don't have any long term goals, nor any short term goals. I'm just existing. I don't feel happy, nor do I ever feel sad. I feel neutral. I find my sessions with my psychologist to be harder than before since I'm having a harder time reading my own emotions. I'm so tired of all the talk around my mental health. I just want to be in peace. leave the ward, isolate myself in a room from everyone and just be alone. I'm so exhausted of everything. [editline]1st May 2015[/editline] I'm sick of the ward [editline]1st May 2015[/editline] I miss the times where I was able to sit down with a game for hours upon hours and get completely hooked. I don't get that same feeling anymore for a lot of things, it just feels tiresome[/QUOTE] Depression and other mental illnesses can have very real physical symptoms and pain. The idea that being mentally sick and physically sick are two different things is just not true. What you are describing are symptoms of clinical depression. It's real and it's not in your head. It effects your whole being, including your body. You might want to think about medication in addition to therapy.

[QUOTE=GeneralSpecific;47640196]Depression and other mental illnesses can have very real physical symptoms and pain. The idea that being mentally sick and physically sick are two different things is just not true. What you are describing are symptoms of clinical depression. It's real and it's not in your head. It effects your whole being, including your body. You might want to think about medication in addition to therapy.[/QUOTE] I've heard anti depressives don't function very well along with anti psychotics so I haven't really brought it up as I'm on 20mg Abilify. do you have any idea how that works? I'll bring it up regardless on my next session to see what they think about it

[QUOTE=PredGD;47640240]I've heard anti depressives don't function very well along with anti psychotics so I haven't really brought it up as I'm on 20mg Abilify. do you have any idea how that works? I'll bring it up regardless on my next session to see what they think about it[/QUOTE] Don't ask me. Just talk to your people about it and remember that no matter what they say, you are the one who makes the decision.

Is it normal to feel pathetic and hopeless just because you don't have a significant other? I've been feeling like this for months now and I just need to get the fuck over it. I'm so sick of it. I'm so unhappy with myself and this is just making me feel even worse. I wish I could just stop caring about love. If it never happens for me, so what? I should just be happy being all by myself. I want to be okay with myself, once and for all.

[QUOTE=Mysterious;47643820]Is it normal to feel pathetic and hopeless just because you don't have a significant other? I've been feeling like this for months now and I just need to get the fuck over it. I'm so sick of it. I'm so unhappy with myself and this is just making me feel even worse. I wish I could just stop caring about love. If it never happens for me, so what? I should just be happy being all by myself. I want to be okay with myself, once and for all.[/QUOTE] i used to feel that way back in school. i only started to fully get over it once i got into programming and competitive gaming. for me, getting invested in those hobbies and getting involved with those communities made me invest a lot of my thought and energy into them. i still wouldn't mind a relationship but it's not a priority anymore and i'm not actively looking for one. IDK if that helps but it helped me personally.

Today is my birthday, and it's really troubling me for some reason. Nobody at college seemed to notice, and those that did know didn't want to do any sort of celebration. I've been drinking throughout the day to celebrate for myself, and it's given me a really aggressive temper. I feel like a raging fireball of destruction that shouldn't exist. All I do is cause problems to other people, and myself.

[QUOTE=ilmon3y;47650845]Today is my birthday, and it's really troubling me for some reason. Nobody at college seemed to notice, and those that did know didn't want to do any sort of celebration. I've been drinking throughout the day to celebrate for myself, and it's given me a really aggressive temper. I feel like a raging fireball of destruction that shouldn't exist. All I do is cause problems to other people, and myself.[/QUOTE] My parents don't celebrate birthdays due to their religious believes. I have always celebrated alone aswell because I really didn't had any friends to celebrate with, so I definitely feel you. My last birthday was not really a Bday, but they decided to hang more out with me which was really nice of them. Happy birthday btw! Don't beat yourself up because of that. It's your special day! :D

I have such a stupid problem. There are some people that...I just want to be close to. Not even in a romantic way, I just want them to like me. And it's not everyone, there are some people I'm completely fine with them not liking me, but just these specific people, I just get super hung up on. I try my best to be friendly, I say hi, I spend time with them, I invest, but I get absolutely nothing in return. But I can't accept that, and then it gets hard to even think about without getting frustrated. How the heck do I get over this? It's retarded.

I think I'm gonna make a push to get out of the ward. I don't feel like I'm getting any help there anymore. all I do is sit in my room all day, waiting to get home. its gotten so bad I don't want to go to bed when I'm home since going to bed means I'll be one day closer to going back. though one side of me is telling me I need it, but the other is saying I'm not getting help there anymore and that I need to move on. I feel inclined to agree with the side that's saying I need to move on. I feel like I've sucked everything I can from the ward and that there's nothing left for me thats beneficial anymore. I'm still in no shape for a regular life, so I'm not sure what my other options are. I was thinking of maybe getting a social contact so I have someone I can spend time with and expose myself to anxiety with them. I'm sick of all this talk surrounding my mental health at this point. that's probably why I feel so eager to get out of the ward since I'm exhausted of it. I really want to just be left alone to shape my own path at times, but my reasonable side keeps telling me I need help. I think my plan ahead is to get out of the ward, and discover other options for what I can do next to keep the help but get rid of the ward. [editline]3rd May 2015[/editline] it's weird to think back how I used to love the ward. I didn't want to go home at all, I was just so happy to be away from my isolated cavern at home. I think I might be in danger of falling back to that isolation when thinking of it from a more external perspective. why am I so eager to get rid of the ward? so I can isolate myself again? I suppose I just need to keep myself in check and discover other options instead of falling back to isolation again.

[QUOTE=Gar;47652615]I have such a stupid problem. There are some people that...I just want to be close to. Not even in a romantic way, I just want them to like me. And it's not everyone, there are some people I'm completely fine with them not liking me, but just these specific people, I just get super hung up on. I try my best to be friendly, I say hi, I spend time with them, I invest, but I get absolutely nothing in return. But I can't accept that, and then it gets hard to even think about without getting frustrated. How the heck do I get over this? It's retarded.[/QUOTE] I think you should spend time with people who actually reciprocate what you're giving out. Don't worry about them liking you, worry about if you like them or not based on how they treat you and you're own feelings. If you invest and they don't reciprocate, fuck them, that's not how friendships work.

[QUOTE=Rammaster;47652680]I think you should spend time with people who actually reciprocate what you're giving out. Don't worry about them liking you, worry about if you like them or not based on how they treat you and you're own feelings. If you invest and they don't reciprocate, fuck them, that's not how friendships work.[/QUOTE] I know, I know. That's what I keep telling myself, but when we cross through similar paths I can't get my mind off it. I know it's not my fault, but my stupid depression keeps saying it is. It confuses me; because in this way I give THEM more attention than the people who actually do like me. And I do spend as much time with them as I can but in the back of my head I'm still thinking about the people who don't. Bah.

[QUOTE=Gar;47652736]I know, I know. That's what I keep telling myself, but when we cross through similar paths I can't get my mind off it. I know it's not my fault, but my stupid depression keeps saying it is. It confuses me; because in this way I give THEM more attention than the people who actually do like me. And I do spend as much time with them as I can but in the back of my head I'm still thinking about the people who don't. Bah.[/QUOTE] I've had similar struggles. In my mind, I just spend time with people I enjoy and that seem to enjoy my company too. If I don't like hanging with them or they seem shitty to me, I just don't hang with them and I just do my own thing. Those people who don't spend as much time with you do not really matter. The depression will tell you differently but when it does I try to distract myself do something I enjoy and be with people I enjoy and I realize that everything is alright and so are you.

I think it's time that I stop drinking to get over my depression. It's getting to the point were it's way too expensive to get me utterly trashed :v:.

Well, just found out my Father had a heart attack and no one told me about it, luckily he's still alive but fuck.

I found out on Friday that I have ADHD and also dyslexia (I'm 20) I haven't told any of my friends or any of my family and I don't really know if I should or not. It's made me feel very angry because all of those years where I was struggling at school I always thought it was just because I wasn't smart and I didn't think I could get any help. Realising I probably could of pisses me off a little bit. I realise now why I probably annoy people sometimes but I'm not really sure if I should say anything or just act the same as before.

[QUOTE=Lawligagger;47658870]Well, just found out my Father had a heart attack and no one told me about it, luckily he's still alive but fuck.[/QUOTE] Welp, turns out it was actually my grandfather, but I still feel horrible.

I've lost a majority of things in my life in the span of a few months that's making me relapse to how I was years ago. The Navy kicked me out of Boot for ADHD putting my ambitions back to square one, I'm back to working the same minimum-wage job that gave me so much stress the past few years, I've lost a ton of relationships due to problems within myself, I get angry at stupid little things and start worrying about it, and I don't feel like myself throughout the day. I feel like a slug and a burden to everyone, and I think about offing myself throughout the day but I'm too much of a pussy to do it 'cause I wouldn't want my parents to see me like that, and I've been told by a handful of friends I'm one of the best things to happen to them which makes the feeling even worse. All I want to do is make people proud and to feel good about myself while doing things, but the same shit keeps happening irregardless of what I do to make it happen and I don't know what to do with myself. I just want to be happy and I want to make other people happy. I know what I want to do with myself and where I want to be in 5 years but I keep getting held back mentally. I don't wanna take meds again 'cause they numbed me to the point of feeling braindead and apathetic and pretty much assisted in me fucking up in middle/high school. I'm not ready to deal with the future near or far but I want it, badly. There are local health clinics that take anonymous meetings every few days that I could go to but I'm skeptical, 'cause it might not be good for my work schedule. I could attend college by the end of the year, but I really want to work and bring in cash on top of getting education. The resources I want to utilize are so fucking jumbled and swished around I have to grab like four things at once to make one thing work to my benefit and I don't have the mental strength to handle it at the moment.