Depression, anxiety, suicidalism and similar disorders, issues and troubles V3 - Discussion, help an - General

[QUOTE=Da Big Man;47660340]I've lost a majority of things in my life in the span of a few months that's making me relapse to how I was years ago. The Navy kicked me out of Boot for ADHD putting my ambitions back to square one, I'm back to working the same minimum-wage job that gave me so much stress the past few years, I've lost a ton of relationships due to problems within myself, I get angry at stupid little things and start worrying about it, and I don't feel like myself throughout the day. I feel like a slug and a burden to everyone, and I think about offing myself throughout the day but I'm too much of a pussy to do it 'cause I wouldn't want my parents to see me like that, and I've been told by a handful of friends I'm one of the best things to happen to them which makes the feeling even worse. All I want to do is make people proud and to feel good about myself while doing things, but the same shit keeps happening irregardless of what I do to make it happen and I don't know what to do with myself. I just want to be happy and I want to make other people happy. I know what I want to do with myself and where I want to be in 5 years but I keep getting held back mentally. I don't wanna take meds again 'cause they numbed me to the point of feeling braindead and apathetic and pretty much assisted in me fucking up in middle/high school. I'm not ready to deal with the future near or far but I want it, badly. There are local health clinics that take anonymous meetings every few days that I could go to but I'm skeptical, 'cause it might not be good for my work schedule. I could attend college by the end of the year, but I really want to work and bring in cash on top of getting education. The resources I want to utilize are so fucking jumbled and swished around I have to grab like four things at once to make one thing work to my benefit and I don't have the mental strength to handle it at the moment.[/QUOTE] If you work in a big company, HR will probably hook you up with a counselor for free if you ask. You can get treatment without getting medication and it can still help.

Job layoff where I work is so common it wouldn't surprise me if they decided that somebody in my position would be unreliable to the business. Especially since I work with customers primarily, sometimes hundreds in a day. Is that too cynical? Because I honestly could see that as something that would happen since we have an overabundance of workers employed in ratio to positions that need to be filled. As sucky as it is, it's only just down the road from where I live so it saves on potential gas costs and I get to jog to and from work keeping with my plans on getting more fit in mind.

[QUOTE=Da Big Man;47661512]Job layoff where I work is so common it wouldn't surprise me if they decided that somebody in my position would be unreliable to the business. Especially since I work with customers primarily, sometimes hundreds in a day. Is that too cynical? Because I honestly could see that as something that would happen since we have an overabundance of workers employed in ratio to positions that need to be filled. As sucky as it is, it's only just down the road from where I live so it saves on potential gas costs and I get to jog to and from work keeping with my plans on getting more fit in mind.[/QUOTE] They legally can't lay you off because of a mental health problem. And if you are still concerned, you do not have to tell your boss or coworkers anything. Like I said, I have no clue about where you work, but as long as it's not a mom and pop shop, it should have somebody who you can talk to in confidence who can set you up with a counselor or at least get you started in the right direction. If you don't want to do it through your work, that's OK too. If you have health insurance (through your parents or work or on your own), then mental health care IS covered. If not you still have options. One place to start looking is with your county. If none of that is doable, you can get a therapist over the internet. I have never tried it, so I can't speak to how it is at all. The one thing I can say is that counseling or therapy can help. Also remember that if you don't like whoever you get, for any reason, you can always find another, and they might even help you do that.

Thank you so much for the informative answers, I really appreciate it. My health insurance ended when I turned 19 and my work doesn't provide a dime to me apart from my wage. I don't feel right spending my parents insurance on myself when my mother has her own issues she needs it for. The fact you have to give up your hard earned money to get basic health services apart from insurance is distressing, and unfortunately after a very lengthy search every local clinic, hospital, or private/public office requires payment out the ass if I don't use any. I'm talking $200 up front, $75 an hour just for two hours every week for one location and I'm not about that life. I hate spending money I could use on car payments, saving up for buying a house and/or moving, etc. I was really intent on being in the Navy for a while to help out and get me through some college but even that plan has gone down the drain. What can I expect from something like online services (counseling/therapy)? Does it work in the same way in that a payment is required or insurance information is exchanged with a professional, or is it like you get attached to a trusted person and you have a 30 minute conversation about your problems and you're gone?

[QUOTE=Da Big Man;47662263]Thank you so much for the informative answers, I really appreciate it. My health insurance ended when I turned 19 and my work doesn't provide a dime to me apart from my wage. I don't feel right spending my parents insurance on myself when my mother has her own issues she needs it for. The fact you have to give up your hard earned money to get basic health services apart from insurance is distressing, and unfortunately after a very lengthy search every local clinic, hospital, or private/public office requires payment out the ass if I don't use any. I'm talking $200 up front, $75 an hour just for two hours every week for one location and I'm not about that life. I hate spending money I could use on car payments, saving up for buying a house and/or moving, etc. I was really intent on being in the Navy for a while to help out and get me through some college but even that plan has gone down the drain. What can I expect from something like online services (counseling/therapy)? Does it work in the same way in that a payment is required or insurance information is exchanged with a professional, or is it like you get attached to a trusted person and you have a 30 minute conversation about your problems and you're gone?[/QUOTE] I can tell you that you can still be a dependent on your parents' insurance until age 23 thanks to the ACA. Insurance isn't exactly like money where if you use it you are taking it away from somebody else on the same policy. I think you should maybe talk to them about it. I can't tell you anything about online therapy at all, sorry :(

Well it's good to know I won't be going broke doing it. I'm not all that far into the adult world of things yet, school barely prepared me for this shit. I'm gonna speak to my mother about it sometime soon I just gotta figure out how to word it. From what I'm looking up it works pretty much the same way. Cough over up to two hundred per session and maybe an arm and a leg for a Skype call. Yeah I dunno about that tbh [editline]5th May 2015[/editline] Oh, and thank you again for all that, I really mean it. If I had this kind of assistance years ago I would be in such a better place, especially as a person.

I'm starting cognitive behavioural therapy sometime next week or so to help with my OCD and unhealthy thoughts. Anyone have experience with CBT before and know what its like?

I tried going on a roadtrip with a friend from FL to Georgia (to see a friend), then NY and back down and it was supposed to help me clear my mind and be a fresh start. I ended up feeling like my friend in Georgia is bored of me & bothered by my presence, I hardly got to see my friends because my 'family' wanted me to see them all so in the only two days I had in NY I had to drive around to meet'n'greet everyone which was a day and a half gone that I didn't even want to do. I wanted to visit a couple of FP friends too and couldn't do that. and then finally I got a fucking speeding ticket for going 87 on the highway in Virginia (despite there were almost no other cars on the highway near me) and it counts as Reckless Driving in Virginia so I have to wait for them to decide what to do while I can't be there. I've never driven unsafely or anything. The worst I did was run a single red light in a poorly-lit neighbourhood at one in the morning when nobody was around and the traffick lights themself were ddim. I had a fucking panic attack when I got pulled over—I never thought I would get pulled over and now I have to hope that since I'm not a minor and I've never gotten any tic ket or anything that, like much of the internt says, it'll just be bumped for to Reckless by Speed / just given a speeding ticket. I'm still freaking about it now and I feel so.. pathetic and like a disappointment. I thought I'd always live with a clean record and even a single speeding ticket stays on your driving record permanently. fuck I hate this. this road trip was a huge waste of money & time.' ahsdklahoi2123

So I'm intoxicated but whatever, this song is just too all-encompassing and amazing, for me, it's easy access to the 'fuck errything else, I'm doing my own thing' mentality. [media]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hHVBzLGAIbU[/media]

I spoke with my psychologist yesterday regarding anti depressants, and was told it'd most likely fix nothing which is disappointing. my apathy comes from what most likely is psychosis, which brings me to something else. my psychologist, after my permission of course, had spoken with a doctor who specializes within psychosis and schizophrenia who supports to put the psychosis diagnosis on me so I don't think I'm far until I'm "officially" psychotic. it's a little surreal to know that I'm soon to be labeled psychotic and have to live with this for the rest of my life. even more so when I haven't had much effect from Abilify which I'm taking. I'm currently on 20mg of Abilify, with the recommended max dose being 30mg so I suppose there's still some tweaks that could be done. I find it disheartening that I haven't had an effect yet as 10mg is usually the point where people notice its effects. or maybe I've had all that there is to get from it as I function better socially, but the dreaded feeling of losing touch with reality is still as bad as before.

So, it'll probably be fine, probably. I ran out of the 15MG tablets of my anti-depressants and I'm moving up to 20MG tonight. As of yesterday, I got switched to an overnight shift at work this evening, which means for about 6 and a half hours of my shift, I'm gonna be under a higher dosage of something that's made me more anxious and depressed as well as nauseous. Still, it's not as large as a leap as I've had before, where those symptoms really WERE a problem. I'm still a bit nervous about it. I just switched to a new position that's more physically strenuous too; stress is starting to get to me.

I can never really vent cohesively so I guess I'll just separate stuff that doesn't really go together. I'm being handed a job soon but i still have to write a resume. tomorrow even. So far I have "hi i'm danika and i got a GED at age 21. please pick me i'll work for less than federal minimum wage and i won't tell anyone." I have no drivers' license, no criminal history, and no job history, they'll probably think I'm a sleeper agent or some shit. --- A few days ago I cried for like 2 hours and I couldn't even figure out why, then went to sleep immediately after. Had a handful of nightmares then woke up and felt like crying again. --- I've eaten probably 6 good meals in the past week, partly because I'm picky but mostly because everyone else in my family is trying to lose weight so all we have is weight loss diet bullshit that'll probably just make me even more severely underweight. It also doesn't help that my confidence in my own cooking skills is about on par with a newborn child. One of those 6 meals was bought by my boyfriend because I had mentioned to him that I hadn't eaten in 2 days. --- I got in a relationship with a really awesome guy recently, but after saying 3 words to him over the phone he had a panic attack because he imagined my voice to be way more feminine than it is. He says he doesn't want to end the relationship but I've been internally questioning it since. --- I have an extreme aversion to sudden loud noises. They cause my ears to ring, my heart to race, my head to spin, and my stomach to churn. I'm not allowed to put my dogs in time out when they go nuts because it's apparently "really mean", and telling people not to scream at the TV when some sports game is going almost always gets ignored. --- I haven't slept in my bed for nearly 2 years because the septic tank backed up and soaked my carpet. I don't really have the physical strength to move my furniture out of my room to get the carpet cleaned and the most help I've got was false promises and bodybuilding advice. --- We got a third dog and he's incredibly cute and I love him but we're already barely scraping by so I dunno what was going through my sister's head when she adopted him. --- [there's humor hidden in this one somewhere] Our landlord is forcing my family to move because some dude offered him nearly $1mil for our property alone, he plans on demolishing our (admittedly shitty) house to build two new houses. Little does he know, our house was built long before a law was passed that prevents construction near wetlands [I]which are directly in our back yard[/I]. Landlord also had to illegally replace our septic tank a while ago so this is a huge legal war zone about to explode. --- I want my own computer. I'm tired of having my only social outlet shared among people that already have a real life social outlet. I want a real life social outlet too. --- I want to die but I won't kill myself. My disgusting sense of vanity makes me want my death to be violent and public. I only told this to a handful of people because I thought they could help, 2 of them called me an edgelord and stopped talking to me. I thought those people were my friends. --- I wrote an email to a therapist but I can't bring myself to check for a reply. --- I don't want advice, I want a new life or none at all.

[QUOTE=Qaus;47669160]I can never really vent cohesively so I guess I'll just separate stuff that doesn't really go together. I'm being handed a job soon but i still have to write a resume. tomorrow even. So far I have "hi i'm danika and i got a GED at age 21. please pick me i'll work for less than federal minimum wage and i won't tell anyone." I have no drivers' license, no criminal history, and no job history, they'll probably think I'm a sleeper agent or some shit. --- A few days ago I cried for like 2 hours and I couldn't even figure out why, then went to sleep immediately after. Had a handful of nightmares then woke up and felt like crying again. --- I've eaten probably 6 good meals in the past week, partly because I'm picky but mostly because everyone else in my family is trying to lose weight so all we have is weight loss diet bullshit that'll probably just make me even more severely underweight. It also doesn't help that my confidence in my own cooking skills is about on par with a newborn child. One of those 6 meals was bought by my boyfriend because I had mentioned to him that I hadn't eaten in 2 days. --- I got in a relationship with a really awesome guy recently, but after saying 3 words to him over the phone he had a panic attack because he imagined my voice to be way more feminine than it is. He says he doesn't want to end the relationship but I've been internally questioning it since. --- I have an extreme aversion to sudden loud noises. They cause my ears to ring, my heart to race, my head to spin, and my stomach to churn. I'm not allowed to put my dogs in time out when they go nuts because it's apparently "really mean", and telling people not to scream at the TV when some sports game is going almost always gets ignored. --- I haven't slept in my bed for nearly 2 years because the septic tank backed up and soaked my carpet. I don't really have the physical strength to move my furniture out of my room to get the carpet cleaned and the most help I've got was false promises and bodybuilding advice. --- We got a third dog and he's incredibly cute and I love him but we're already barely scraping by so I dunno what was going through my sister's head when she adopted him. --- [there's humor hidden in this one somewhere] Our landlord is forcing my family to move because some dude offered him nearly $1mil for our property alone, he plans on demolishing our (admittedly shitty) house to build two new houses. Little does he know, our house was built long before a law was passed that prevents construction near wetlands [I]which are directly in our back yard[/I]. Landlord also had to illegally replace our septic tank a while ago so this is a huge legal war zone about to explode. --- I want my own computer. I'm tired of having my only social outlet shared among people that already have a real life social outlet. I want a real life social outlet too. --- I want to die but I won't kill myself. My disgusting sense of vanity makes me want my death to be violent and public. I only told this to a handful of people because I thought they could help, 2 of them called me an edgelord and stopped talking to me. I thought those people were my friends. --- I wrote an email to a therapist but I can't bring myself to check for a reply. --- I don't want advice, I want a new life or none at all.[/QUOTE] I'm sorry.

[QUOTE=Gar;47667330]So, it'll probably be fine, probably. I ran out of the 15MG tablets of my anti-depressants and I'm moving up to 20MG tonight. As of yesterday, I got switched to an overnight shift at work this evening, which means for about 6 and a half hours of my shift, I'm gonna be under a higher dosage of something that's made me more anxious and depressed as well as nauseous. Still, it's not as large as a leap as I've had before, where those symptoms really WERE a problem. I'm still a bit nervous about it. I just switched to a new position that's more physically strenuous too; stress is starting to get to me.[/QUOTE] Well, wasn't bad at all. Shift itself kind of sucked for it's own reasons but aside from a few odd quirks with how I was thinking, there weren't any physical side effects from the move up. Ahhhh...

-snip-

I feel guilty about not going to college on some days even though I never enjoy going there. Same applied to the work I'm given. I'll try it at first then feel as if I'm not good enough to finish it to even a basic standard. If I leave college, I'll have nothing. I can't get a job because the competition is just too immense for me to contend with.

I wish I could bring myself to just do it sometimes. Life sucks, suicide sucks everything sucks. Fuck life.

I feel so utterly terrified of death. I worry that whatever life I live won't be worthwhile, and obviously I can't try again.

I am nothing but a bother to the people that I think are my friends. I feel like they just talk to me out of pity or boredom and I feel awful when I message them and I think I'm just wasting their time. I feel lonely at times and while I like being alone, I feel like anytime I try to talk to friends they'd rather I just not exist or not bother them because 95% of the time I'm the first one to initiate conversation almost always.

[QUOTE=Catscratch;47675589]I am nothing but a bother to the people that I think are my friends. I feel like they just talk to me out of pity or boredom and I feel awful when I message them and I think I'm just wasting their time. I feel lonely at times and while I like being alone, I feel like anytime I try to talk to friends they'd rather I just not exist or not bother them because 95% of the time I'm the first one to initiate conversation almost always.[/QUOTE] Awww, that's something true with a lot of folks. :c But I can guarantee you're not a bother to your friends, or at least the ones who matter.

I've been off my anxiety medications for about a week now, and I'm handling it a bit better than it could have been, however it is taking a small toll on me. I say small toll because I understand exactly what's going on. When I am off my anxiety medicine, I can still think. The quality of my thinking is pretty much exactly the same. The problem is the capacity for my thinking is reduced, and I pay physical consequences for the unfounded stress that I am in. I will joke around with friends and slowly fill up with white noise until there is no way to focus and all that is left to think about is trying to remove my fear or be sucked into depressive thoughts simply because I cannot escape things. This time around, I haven't been sucked into a bad anxiety attack or depressive episode yet because I know what to expect, but everything is in place to hurt me. Even on my medications, I had a hard time dealing with depression. If I'm not working on a project or my music, I sometimes get enveloped in a downward spiral of thoughts that get as bad as I could ever imagine, short of schizophrenia. If I am working on a project, I seriously feel euphoric to the point that I am giggling/silly or feel extreme amounts of pride. Once, in the past, I had literally closed out of my music software after this blissful feeling, only to be on the brink of bawling. Currently, in college, I do not do anything I'd ever want to do. I'm failing classes and cannot reach the programming classes I want. When I'm not at college, I'm working. When I'm not at college, I'm being yelled at for not keeping up with the house and laundry by my father and her girlfriend. When I'm not doing that, I'm giving up hours of sleep to try and work on my own projects, which is what makes me the happiest I could ever feel.

[QUOTE=Booker K;47677436]I don't know if this is a stupid question but I'm just asking this out of curiousity. Am I being sort of a disturbance to the thread? I know you can use this thread to vent out whatever is on your mind and such, but I feel like the way I'm venting by changing subjects sorta is disturbing the thread. If so, I apologise, I've had a lot on my mind recently, especially since I'm almost finished with high school, and just feel the need to get whatever is currently on my mind off of me.[/QUOTE] It's fine.

-snip- I shouldn't post about this.

It really sucks being the only person in your peer group that doesn't have a job. Making plans is such a chore since everyone else rarely has free time. Makes me feel so alone.

Apologise for dumping, my uncle who I've been mourning for the last few months has now been revealed to have been about to leave my aunt for another woman and it's kind of fucking up the already fragile family. You know when your personal heroes turn out to be uh, 'human'? [QUOTE=Booker K;47680356]-snip- fuck it, i give up, who even cares anymore[/QUOTE] You don't know me but PM I'll listen

[QUOTE=Kolmala;47679351]It really sucks being the only person in your peer group that doesn't have a job. Making plans is such a chore since everyone else rarely has free time. Makes me feel so alone.[/QUOTE] So spend time getting a job. If you are at least putting in the effort you can't blame yourself for not being picked up by anyone yet. It took me a year to get hired by anyone for my first job and I felt the same as you.

Today wasn't a great day. To those who saw my post earlier, I snipped it because I feel I shouldn't share it. Seems like it'd be more harmful. But that same situation escalated further, entirely on my end. Long story short, I punched my best friend in the face. I broke his glasses. And I really, can't believe I did that. I charged at him and decked him as hard as possible. Why did I do that? I've never felt so low in my life. I've never hated myself to this extent. I don't want this to keep going on. I've had anger issues my entire life, but I've never been able to take care of them. I need help, but I don't know what to do, I don't have healthcare right now and I'm not so sure I can get professional mental help without such things. [quote=Me in a Skype call]I've been in and out of so many little mental health things in school. Always had an IEP, always got ordered to see a psychiatrist or whatever after every incident. all of which have been physical. From destroying entire rooms in the 4th grade, to wailing on some kid in the 7th, to flipping the fuck out and destroying rooms in 8th/9th/10th when I was in CSF/alternative school), to punching lockers in 11/12th and screaming at people, and taking it out on my mother because I didn't want to go there, ending in dropping out. Then the same thing continued in Job Corps. I punched a kid who insulted my boyfriend (indirectly) in my class. I got kicked out for telling a counselor to go fuck herself after she tried to confiscate my phone, and then screaming and yelling at every staff member who tried to get me to walk with them. Oh, lets not forget me and Wilson getting in a fight in Hawaii because he started screaming and I screamed back. Oh, that happened at least 3 times. I have a long history of violence. A very long one. I'm scared of myself. I don't know my own strength or power. I don't want to be like this, I really don't. I never feel any lower until stuff like this happens, and then I feel like the scum of the earth. It's just so tough for me. It really, really, really is. Psychiatrists do nothing for me because I just hear the same old "Take deep breaths, step away". There's no real advice except regurgitated knowledge from a text book. And that means nothing to me. Maybe if I get actual healthcare though, maybe they'll set me up with someone who has better training than a school nurse for once, and maybe put me on something to taper off my anger. I don't know. Maybe for once there'll be techniques I can use. Maybe It'll all be better once I get a damn job, because otherwise I have no hobbies, no creative output, no nothing. There are things I definitely will do my best to work on myself, mostly the defensiveness. I need to stop acting like I'm the damn devil myself. I need to learn to take criticism, listen to it, absorb it, rather than retorting or going down a depressing pity spiral. And I'm going to make this my first step towards it.[/quote]

[QUOTE=Booker K;47680356]-snip- fuck it, i give up, who even cares anymore[/QUOTE] I do. Please PM me and we can talk about it, I'll listen. If [I]anyone[/I] needs help please message me.

So I've slowly been coming to the realization that I'm a failure. I'm an art major that had to drop out after falling out with my father that has been barely able to keep my head above water since. I'm working a dead end job in the middle of nowhere and have not a thing going for me. I've got $4000 in debt in hospital bills and right now I don't think I'll ever get into a good art school. To make matters worse I've been through hell the past few weeks, my car busted down and no paycheck coming in I've been relying on others to help me with my 30 minute commute to work and I've felt like a disgusting mooch. The past few days have gotten worse after getting the police called on me after trying to sleep in an open field after not being able to get a ride home between shifts, and afterword being told by a parent that I had failed as an adult, that my time was over and that I should just get out of the way of my younger siblings who have brighter futures. Couple with this is that in the few years since I dropped out I've been going into these spirals where I'll start to believe that killing myself would be the best option, and after all of this happened I've noticed that the idea of committing suicide doesn't bother me as much as it did before. I've been diagnosed with depression but I can't really afford to do anything about it, hell, I can't even afford food right now, and I don't think I can go on like this much longer. I just want the pain to end.

[QUOTE=DiscoMelon;47683005]So I've slowly been coming to the realization that I'm a failure. I'm an art major that had to drop out after falling out with my father that has been barely able to keep my head above water since. I'm working a dead end job in the middle of nowhere and have not a thing going for me. I've got $4000 in debt in hospital bills and right now I don't think I'll ever get into a good art school. To make matters worse I've been through hell the past few weeks, my car busted down and no paycheck coming in I've been relying on others to help me with my 30 minute commute to work and I've felt like a disgusting mooch. The past few days have gotten worse after getting the police called on me after trying to sleep in an open field after not being able to get a ride home between shifts, and afterword being told by a parent that I had failed as an adult, that my time was over and that I should just get out of the way of my younger siblings who have brighter futures. Couple with this is that in the few years since I dropped out I've been going into these spirals where I'll start to believe that killing myself would be the best option, and after all of this happened I've noticed that the idea of committing suicide doesn't bother me as much as it did before. I've been diagnosed with depression but I can't really afford to do anything about it, hell, I can't even afford food right now, and I don't think I can go on like this much longer. I just want the pain to end.[/QUOTE] Holy wow, that is some a seriously shitty last few weeks. But dude, the last thing you are is a failure. You're still holding on despite all that and that's pretty big. Your parent is way out of line, and to be a parent and say that is just awful. Is there any way you can talk to a professional? Therapist? Any kind of help your job can offer? You can add me on Steam or PM as well if you just want to talk. I've seen you on here and on Drachen and you were always pretty cool, I'm really sorry you're going through this.