Depression, anxiety, suicidalism and similar disorders, issues and troubles V3 - Discussion, help an - General

[QUOTE=Rich209;47702743]Can someone answer this question for me? Do people with severe anxiety make rash decision sometimes? The reason I'm asking is, is because I've been talking to this person that I like and they eventually told me they had anxiety issues. Well last night I asked them out on a date and everything up to this point had seemingly been going really well. We set up a time for today and had everything planned out. The last thing was for me grabbing their address. Well they never responded when I asked for it and then I realized they had blocked me from all forms of communication. Really made me upset because I have no idea at all why that even happen. Its like I said things were going really well. So I wonder if this had to do with their anxiety because I've come to the conclusion that I'm not going to get a response from them anytime soon. :([/QUOTE] Yes we get very messed up thought patterns that can lead to that person's out to get me, hates me, etc. There might be more going on in there head than just anxiety as well, mine come as a voices I can hear. Good news though I got buspirone and it seems to be working pretty well. Which without the anxiety the psychosis is fun.

I feel like my issues are smalltime compared to most of the shit I see other people, and you guys, deal with, but today's bus ride was pretty awful and I decided I'd rant about it before keeping it to myself for the millionth time. Whenever I'm alone with my thoughts, without fail, I quickly drift to everything I do wrong, or have done wrong, and the bad decisions that have lead me to my current life. I've basically reached 20 with no skills, lagging one or two years behind most people I'm sharing my intro to college with, and signed up for Visual Design because I was too scared to go for a 6+ year systems engineering course, or something like that, since computers are all I'm really handy with but I'm awful with math and physics. I'm halfway through my first year, hating it because it's nothing like I... wanted? it to be, but dreading switching courses next year because that'd disappoint my parents and myself. It'd just be another year wasted. I'm lagging over a month behind on most of my collegework because I can't find any motivation to do it, and when I force myself to, I can't do it either because it requires creativity on my part. It requires abstract thinking, and it's been years since I tried to do that. I've cruised through the last three years of HS barely doing anything, because barely anything was asked from me, and just forgot everything and dropped to a level under everyone I share a classroom with: I can't do math to save my life or read five pages without getting tired and bored and losing myself. I feel like a stupid child throwing a tantrum when saying that, but the lack of drive is awful. I've spent hours looking at plain white sheets, doing nothing because I can't figure out what to do. Last year I dropped out of the only lasting relationship I've had, in bad terms, and that fucked with my friend circles as well. I don't want to do anything. I don't want to sleep, read, or do anything I used to enjoy like play games and chat with friends. It just feels like nothing I do means anything to anyone. I want to drop dead because I apparently can't handle the bare minimum effort people are supposed to be making after mandated schooling. I can't sleep unless I have some heavy noise, voices, to keep me distracted from thinking, and I'm sure that's fucking with me because I'm tired all the time, even if I can wake up semi-effortlessly I hop on the bus half an hour later wishing to not exist.

[QUOTE=ROFLBURGER;47702666]I don't want to kill it. I won't ever kill it. But I'm getting these stupid thoughts of killing it.[/QUOTE] that's just a kitty being a kitty. if you're having trouble with it, i'm sure there are lots of pet help websites on the internet or you could talk to your parents and sister about giving it away if no one wants to take care of it. [editline]12th May 2015[/editline] [QUOTE=latin_geek;47706366]I feel like my issues are smalltime compared to most of the shit I see other people, and you guys, deal with, but today's bus ride was pretty awful and I decided I'd rant about it before keeping it to myself for the millionth time. Whenever I'm alone with my thoughts, without fail, I quickly drift to everything I do wrong, or have done wrong, and the bad decisions that have lead me to my current life. I've basically reached 20 with no skills, lagging one or two years behind most people I'm sharing my intro to college with, and signed up for Visual Design because I was too scared to go for a 6+ year systems engineering course, or something like that, since computers are all I'm really handy with but I'm awful with math and physics. I'm halfway through my first year, hating it because it's nothing like I... wanted? it to be, but dreading switching courses next year because that'd disappoint my parents and myself. It'd just be another year wasted. I'm lagging over a month behind on most of my collegework because I can't find any motivation to do it, and when I force myself to, I can't do it either because it requires creativity on my part. It requires abstract thinking, and it's been years since I tried to do that. I've cruised through the last three years of HS barely doing anything, because barely anything was asked from me, and just forgot everything and dropped to a level under everyone I share a classroom with: I can't do math to save my life or read five pages without getting tired and bored and losing myself. I feel like a stupid child throwing a tantrum when saying that, but the lack of drive is awful. I've spent hours looking at plain white sheets, doing nothing because I can't figure out what to do. Last year I dropped out of the only lasting relationship I've had, in bad terms, and that fucked with my friend circles as well. I don't want to do anything. I don't want to sleep, read, or do anything I used to enjoy like play games and chat with friends. It just feels like nothing I do means anything to anyone. I want to drop dead because I apparently can't handle the bare minimum effort people are supposed to be making after mandated schooling. I can't sleep unless I have some heavy noise, voices, to keep me distracted from thinking, and I'm sure that's fucking with me because I'm tired all the time, even if I can wake up semi-effortlessly I hop on the bus half an hour later wishing to not exist.[/QUOTE] [url]http://www.becomingminimalist.com/compare-less/[/url] for advice on the negative comparisons you make. it's a problem i had a lot too. if you're having trouble with an unquiet mind then you could get into mindfulness [url]http://www.dummies.com/how-to/content/5-ways-to-practice-mindfulness.html[/url] this is a nice intro to it. mindfulness is really good at helping us recognize our emotions and to act on them calmly and healthily instead of just letting them boil inside. with your collegework, have you thought of seeing a counsellor, they're really helpful and normally free for students. they work with you in terms of setting up work plans and solutions. you could also let your tutors know about the difficulty you're having. tutors are there for you. and it's okay man. it's a real common (not to underplay how shit it can be ofc) type existential crisis that lots of people our age deal with with feeling like one can not handle what is expected of them now. the entering into adulthood used to have rituals attached to it that prepared us for the change of responsibility and in some cultures it still does bbuut for the most part, secular and western cultures have nothing of the sort and this can be breeding grounds for uncertainty but it also allows us to enter into adulthood on our own terms and in our own individual manner. i have the same problem as you inregards to being tired all the time. i'm trying to deal with that by doing simple yoga routines (sun salutations ftw) and light exercise. that stuff in addition to a good diet can really help with constant fatigue. i get that it can be hard as first to get into it but it's a struggle we all have to deal with sometimes. you need to take life with small steps and focusing on those steps. constantly focusing on the road ahead and the road behind do nothing but distract us from the steps we are taking right here and now and that's when life moves without us. just gotta keep yourself mindful of those small steps we take everyday. also, two of my brothers have the same sort of sleeping problem. they deal with it by listening to youtube videos of rain and thunderstorms. also, have you ever been to a therapist or talked to your GP about this stuff? stay safe pal

Im so poor at this point that I only eat once a day because thats all I can afford, and today I completely ran out of food so I'm going to bed with an empty stomach. I hate living this life, even ended up getting bullied on reddit for asking if someone could order me a pizza in exchange for some money I have on paypal that I cant get out because my account is overdrawn. Life just fucking sucks, no matter how much good there is out there it all ends up in the shitter eventually.

-snipsnap-

I hate myself and I want to die. I don't have anything going for me in my life and nothing works out, and I'm just not a good person by any means. Everything I do goes to waste, and every achievement I get my mother shoots down however she can, no matter how small. I don't want to do anything anymore, I try my hardest every day. [editline]12th May 2015[/editline] [QUOTE=latin_geek;47706366]I feel like my issues are smalltime compared to most of the shit I see other people, and you guys, deal with, but today's bus ride was pretty awful and I decided I'd rant about it before keeping it to myself for the millionth time.[/QUOTE] What your entire post said is letter-for-letter, me. I hate this shit.

How do I motivate myself to do anything? For the past several years, I haven't been able to really finish any projects I've started. I just lose the will to do so. Within the past day, I hit kind of a breakdown point and I just don't know how to deal with myself at this point if this continues.

So I cut my hand trying to fix my fan that broke and my brain's immediate response was "I want to die" because of it. This is not normal.

I want to do something that matters to somebody... I never do anything with my life. I just waste it away, doing nothing. Not mattering to anyone.

For the Habitual Procrastinators out there like me, read these. It's the best thing I've read on the subject. I feel like depression and [I]real[/I] procrastination are closely linked to one another, and the description he gives of the thought process is spot-on. [url]http://waitbutwhy.com/2013/10/why-procrastinators-procrastinate.html[/url] [url]http://waitbutwhy.com/2013/11/how-to-beat-procrastination.html[/url] [url]http://waitbutwhy.com/2015/03/procrastination-matrix.html[/url]

-snip-

I believe its official now, and my diagnosis apparently lands on undifferentiated schizophrenic. spoke with my shrink about it just now and that's what she has written down in my journal.

[QUOTE=Booker K;47712808]When you're going through a serious fever or illness, is it normal to feel really paranoid? I'm talking like having a lot of deceiving and suicidal thoughts running through your mind type of paranoid.[/QUOTE]Yes it is. Fatigue of any kind fucks with your mind.

along with the news of being schizophrenic, I got to know I'll be at the ward I'm being moved to for at least 2 years. that's a lot longer than I initially expected. then god knows how long I'll be once I'm moved to the next thing after those 2 years. knowing that I might spend up to 4-5 years of my life on treatment & rehabilitation makes me feel like I should be upset, but I'm surprisingly not so upset. I find it hard to think about my past and future, I live right now rather.

INCOMING I'm a full time nursing student working 20 hours a week on the side and boy my life has just been going down the drain as of recent Last semester I was sick for 2 weeks and had to force myself to do clinical at the hospital with a fever of 101 F because there were no makeup days. I missed class and failed my test miserably. I managed to pull my grade up on the final and would have a B if I got a 9/10 on my presentation. I was running a little late that morning but showed up 2 minutes late and presented. My instructor gave me praise telling me I was the best presenter in the class thus far. So naturally I killed it right? Nope, they gave me an 8.6/10 giving me an 81.44% in the class, I need an 81.5%^ to pass with a B. Turns out I lost an entire point for being late [I]despite the fact that there was nothing on the rubric about showing up on time.[/I] Argued with them, didn't get anywhere. Whatever I'm a 2nd year student now My dad has been relatively healthy except now he's losing his voice. He got an injection to help but it hasn't helped and in fact is only getting worse. I can't even talk to him anymore and now he needs to retire because he can't do his job anymore. My mom has severe Crohn's disease, or was severe but is under control. The disease reacts very poorly to stress so as long as she stays stress free, she stays out of the hospital. Except our family dog of 12 years started having seizures, heart failure, respiratory failure and kidney disease [I]all at the same fucking time.[/I] My mom decided to get her treated as much as she could, and the dog has only improved slightly, after spending over $3,500 on dog medical bills. This means that now she needs to work full time as a night nurse to pay it off before it gets heavy interest, which is stressful, which leads to a crohns flare, which means she's in the hospital, which means more bills. It never fucking ends I swear to god. Now I'm starting year two nursing, trying to do the required reading but my mind is so busy and I'm so distracted that I can't get any reading done, I can't pay attention in class and if I don't receive an A in this class I'll be dropped from the program for letting my GPA drop too low. My friends are flaky fucks who ditch me on a daily basis, called them all out on it yesterday so now I really don't have anyone to talk to. On top of all of this I've been single for nearly 2 years, seriously beginning to think I'm losing my value and starting to cry every night again. Probably going to have to go back on zoloft even though last time I was on it I swear it didn't do anything. Oh and I had to start a new job at an assisted living facility which is fun too. Nothing like seeing old people helpless everyday to remind myself of the inevitable curse that is aging. Green fields and rainbows right?

I just feel like killing myself. I moved about a month ago, and it's just been constant depression. I knew just about everyone at my last school, this is a whole new environment, one that I don't even like. I missed a shot with the most beautiful girl in the world. She was actually into me, but I never asked her out, I moved, and she just moved on with her life. I'm absolutely in love with her, and I just can't let her go, even though my chances with her now are kind of slim. I'm completely miserable most of the time, and just lonely.

[URL="https://youtu.be/GC63HGcsfEg"]Do or Die - Thirty Seconds to Mars.[/URL] I'm so close to University, I can taste it, and there's never been such a motivation boost than what I have now.

its really fun being depressed, and then having the one thing that helped keep you stable vanish. My girlfriend broke up with me a month ago, and its been pretty hard dealing with it. I cant hate her because its not her fault, but not having that person to relly on really hit me hard. you also miss the intimacy, the having someone to cuddle with, someone to calm the stupid worries, but its a double edged blade, most of my worries were about her and she stressed me to the point of nausea. I spent a week intoxicated on whatever I had, be it weed, alcohol, opiates or synthetics. It wasnt healthy, but im past that, I came to the conclusion that she made me happy, and drugs just stopped me being sad, and there's so much of a difference. I'm getting better now, as of tomorrow it'll have been 4 weeks since we broke up, I went on a date type thing today, and I' meeting up with the same girl again on sunday so that went well. I just want to move on. I've also had some backing from friends, someone who was mutual friends of me and her, has been a massive help and I don't think I can ever put into words how much help she's been to me, and my friends' girlfriend who I ended up talking to because one of my worst fears happened to her. I'm not looking for a pitty party, but i thought this would be a good introduction seeing as I'm going to be popping in now and again

It's much worse when you find [I]the[/I] perfect girl, and you completely blow her chance with her, and it's not even 100% your fault.

[QUOTE=LTJGPliskin;47718703]It's much worse when you find [I]the[/I] perfect girl, and you completely blow her chance with her, and it's not even 100% your fault.[/QUOTE] i dont think sadnes is objective, but having the girl you love tell you that she doesnt love you anymore is pretty not-nice tbh

[QUOTE=despair3173;47718746]i dont think sadnes is objective, but having the girl you love tell you that she doesnt love you anymore is pretty not-nice tbh[/QUOTE] You at least had someone that loved you, if only for a while. When you live for 10 years with no one goving a shit about you, and you have a shot at a relationship with the perfect, most beautiful girl in world, and you blow it... That's pure hell. Be thankful you actually had people.

[QUOTE=LTJGPliskin;47718943]You at least had someone that loved you, if only for a while. When you live for 10 years with no one goving a shit about you, and you have a shot at a relationship with the perfect, most beautiful girl in world, and you blow it... That's pure hell. Be thankful you actually had people.[/QUOTE] now was it really pure hell or are you blowing things up? I know from experience and people around me that it's easy to make something that you wasn't really bothered by an issue in the future. I'm sure you had people around you, in some way at least. be it through a few friends, or even a caring teacher. I didn't have a whole lot of friends around me either, and those few I had were really unstable as well. I'd constantly feel frozen out, etc. now that I'm older and know a few people through my younger sister, it's apparently much more common that you'd think. when you're young, it's hard to prioritize who to be with, making it easy to freeze people out and make them feel bad. even popular kids, those you may have looked up to when you were younger, I can guarantee that some of them had similar issues. I don't know your situation completely, so I could be wrong, but I have a feeling you're blowing the issues up. that they're not that bad in reality, but are perceived as living in hell due to you inflating them. I'd recommend getting rid of the "my issues are worse than yours" mentality as self pity is the road to getting worse. how bad something is when it comes to mental health is very often subjective, so something you'd be able to brush off could be devastating for someone else. personally, I find it much harder to push through a broken relationship than just losing the opportunity for one. if there was an opportunity which I never developed, then it's sad that it didn't happen, but having someone break me off after years of developing a relationship where memories and experiences have been born, that'd crush me completely which I've experienced. the important thing to remember is that you're not the first one to experience your issues. it's a lot more common than you think. so common I'd almost wager that either your father or mother has experienced similar issues. [editline]14th May 2015[/editline] [QUOTE=despair3173;47718639]its really fun being depressed, and then having the one thing that helped keep you stable vanish. My girlfriend broke up with me a month ago, and its been pretty hard dealing with it. I cant hate her because its not her fault, but not having that person to relly on really hit me hard. you also miss the intimacy, the having someone to cuddle with, someone to calm the stupid worries, but its a double edged blade, most of my worries were about her and she stressed me to the point of nausea. I spent a week intoxicated on whatever I had, be it weed, alcohol, opiates or synthetics. It wasnt healthy, but im past that, I came to the conclusion that she made me happy, and drugs just stopped me being sad, and there's so much of a difference. I'm getting better now, as of tomorrow it'll have been 4 weeks since we broke up, I went on a date type thing today, and I' meeting up with the same girl again on sunday so that went well. I just want to move on. I've also had some backing from friends, someone who was mutual friends of me and her, has been a massive help and I don't think I can ever put into words how much help she's been to me, and my friends' girlfriend who I ended up talking to because one of my worst fears happened to her. I'm not looking for a pitty party, but i thought this would be a good introduction seeing as I'm going to be popping in now and again[/QUOTE] having been in similar shoes (and I'm sure lots of people have), I'm not sure if I'd recommend seeking out another relationship as of now with the limited info I know about your situation. would it really be a relationship or would it be more of a disguise to hide your old feelings of your old girlfriend? my previous relationship was almost used as a crutch, so as soon as she disappeared, my world collapsed as well since I didn't have anything else to support myself on. maybe a wiser idea to fix a broken leg (aka loving yourself before loving anyone else) than finding a new crutch? learn to be happy without someone else! this is speaking from my experience with it of course and I don't know your situation completely so for all I know, you could love yourself almost a little too much, but it doesn't sound like it from this post.

Trust me, I'm not blowing things out of proportion... I doubt you want to hear my life story, so to sum up my life in the past 10 years, I had an uncaring stepfather, and a mother that's not always around. When my mother divorced him, we moved to another town, about 30-45 minutes away. Now, I was head over heels in love with this girl, I still am. She's hard to let go, she's just perfect. We have so much in common, and I thought I could have had something with her. It's not until I move that I find out she was actually into me, but she moved on after I left. She's happy now, she's in a relationship, but I just want to be with her. And that makes me seem like a real asshole. I'm an emotional burden, a really depressed, lonely, moody person. But I still want to be with her. It's not about sex, nothing like that. I just want someone who cares. And when you find out that you blew your chance... For someone like me, that's the worst feeling in the world.

[QUOTE=PredGD;47719146]having been in similar shoes (and I'm sure lots of people have), I'm not sure if I'd recommend seeking out another relationship as of now with the limited info I know about your situation. would it really be a relationship or would it be more of a disguise to hide your old feelings of your old girlfriend? my previous relationship was almost used as a crutch, so as soon as she disappeared, my world collapsed as well since I didn't have anything else to support myself on. maybe a wiser idea to fix a broken leg (aka loving yourself before loving anyone else) than finding a new crutch? learn to be happy without someone else! this is speaking from my experience with it of course and I don't know your situation completely so for all I know, you could love yourself almost a little too much, but it doesn't sound like it from this post.[/QUOTE] I get what you['re saying man, if I'm honest I was probably happier out of the relationship I was in, it wasn't abusive at all, just that I made it difficult for myself. I'm not really looking for a relationship with this new girl, just someone nice that I can chill with where there's no pressure. As for loving myself, I have actually made a conscious decision to do that. While I was with my Ex, I kind of had to explain to her what was up with me, that I have some good days, and some bad days. One the bad days, I'm constantly reminded of everything I hate about myself, and I decided that the only way I could make those days less shit was to actively try and change what I hated about me. In the past month or so I've lost just under a stone, people have noticed that and it's been a real confidence booster. As for the crutch thing, I've done that before, but it was more like weaning myself off from relationships. It wasnt a nice or healthy thing to do to the other girl, and I don't want to do that to anyone again. Not going to lie, I did smile at the "maybe you love yourself almost a little too much" because I don't love myself, but you know, I'm certainly growing on myself.

Don't even really know what to say. Well I've had depression a few years ago, it stopped alright. I still can get pretty depressed if I'm bored for a longer time or something really sets off those certain depression switches. That's not really my issue here as much, but I'm having a hard time getting entertained or simply doing something that I can put my mind into and enjoy, while forgetting this depression. So I've tried to get into a relationship, and I really liked just planning it all out in general and the girl was an alright person. It wasn't anything enormously serious of a love. You might be calling me selfish for this, and I probably am, however one of the main reasons why I was mainly even attempting to ask her out and all was the fact that simply trying to evolve the relationship into something else and talking with her really managed to make me forget my depressions. So one day I just tried asking her out, and she said she's into someone else. Well alright, I got over it. But I don't know if this is just me being pretty selfish but it's just that I really wasn't even sad about the part that she rejected me, I was really more sad about the fact that I just stopped feeling it and I'm back to point zero where I have to search for something to be able to stave off this depression. Yeah, I know it wasn't even that serious, and I'm probably a cunt for trying to get into relationship for this reason. So, how would I go on about trying to get depression out of something not so, possibly damaging to other individuals? Or just morally 'evil' or anything. I've tried doing sports and running, and it works, but only when I really want to do it, when I'm just forcing myself it's just such a pain and hassle.

I'm meant to see a band live in Birmingham on Monday, but I haven't way of getting back home after it because there won't be any more trains. Just thinking about it gave me a really bad anxiety attack and now I've just given up on the whole plan of going.

[QUOTE=literal;47726609]I'm meant to see a band live in Birmingham on Monday, but I haven't way of getting back home after it because there won't be any more trains. Just thinking about it gave me a really bad anxiety attack and now I've just given up on the whole plan of going.[/QUOTE] Find out when the last train is, and head out when you know that you're going to have more than enough time to get there?

I was picked on in grade school because I have ADHD and back then, not much was known about ADHD so I was 'weird'. I then became a loner in high school and life sucked until I met my first [I](and last)[/I] girlfriend. Then life was great....then she died and life sucked again. I failed to go back to see her in the hospital in time before she died from cancer in 2005. I did leave her a letter telling her I loved her and apologizing for being an asshole [I](we had a bit of a fight before she ended up in the hospital for the final time)[/I], as she was asleep the last time I saw her. I don't know if she forgave me or even loved me. I haven't been in a relationship in over 9 years. I've only been on 3 dates in those 9 years and all 3 went nowhere after the first date. We also never uh...did it....so there's that. Then I ended up in a LDR with a girl in the UK that went nowhere. She constantly badgered me to find some way to get her over to Canada and out of the UK as she claimed she had been raped [I](turned out to be consensual)[/I]. Called everything off and swore I'd never speak to her again after her many lies. Contacted her late last year [I](after 7 years)[/I] on Facebook in some desperate depression-related attempt to get a second chance. Found out she had gotten married and had a child. Felt incredibly depressed about my life, told her we should just forget about what we had and move on with our lives and that was that. We did come clean to each other about the many lies we told each other which was good. [i]School stuff below, I got caught up in the act of writing out why I'm depressed and I ended up going into my school life big time here.[/i] [sp]I've fucked myself out of any meaningful career by graduating high school the easy way. I was put into a "school to work" program because I did so poorly in the 2nd semester of grade 9 (peer pressure and bullying kicked in and my grades tanked). I ended up being put in "school to work" level classes as well. When we were asked to read a paragraph out of a book in STW English, half the kids in the class couldn't pronounce the simplest words. I sat there and thought to myself once "Why am I in this class? I'm smarter than all these kids" which is true. I'm incredibly intelligent, I just choose not to use it.[/sp] [sp]As well, in this school to work program, you did unpaid work somewhere. Every 110hrs of work earned you 1 credit. I did 990hrs in total over two semesters to graduate. It was at a local hotel doing hotel maintenance which I loved. One student out of the three of us working there was hired and it wasn't me sadly. I went back for a 2nd semester hoping to be hired, but once again was not hired despite me being the better choice out of all the kids working there.[/sp] [sp]I don't have a grade 11/12 science or math, or a grade 12 english as a result. I did a "literacy and basic skills" course at a local college to get the 12 Math and English. Found out I would've had to do like 3 math courses to get the 12 math, and 1 english course to get the 12 english. Ended up skipping numerous classes to fuck around on my laptop in the library and got booted out of the course. Tried the online version of the same course but had to drop out due to obtaining a job. I then tried to get a grade 12 science credit (chemistry) to get into a plumbing apprenticeship. Did an online course, used Google because that shit was hard as fuck. Got to the final exam which was to be written in person and flunked it.[/sp] [sp]You may be wondering why I took the easy way of graduating and fucked myself over. My grandfather had passed away a year before my first girlfriend did. I found out after he died that I was considered the "favorite grandchild" out of myself, my sister and my cousins as I had always helped my grandparents out (cutting their lawn in the summer/shovelling their driveway in the winter, helping build them a new garage with my father, we live in the same neighborhood as them though my grandmother now lives with us) and he wanted to see my graduate high school. That's what forced me to stop trying to "be cool" and focus on graduating.[/sp] [i]Job stuff now.[/i] [sp]I've had a string of shitty call center jobs. I liked them at the time but looking back, they were shitty. I lasted 2 years at one job, 9 months at another (for AT&T). Currently working for a temp agency and have gone through several "laborer" positions without being hired on full time. Because of this, I still live at home with my parents (rents cheap though, $400).[/sp] I also feel horrible over everything stupid I ever did here on Facepunch, towards MaxOfS2D and Mecha the Slag, towards Rebbacus, and towards anyone else I've ever been a dick to on the internet. Except for on the TF2 Wiki. I still have issues with Lagg, RJackson and i-ghost. I'm 27 years old and honestly, I can't see any future for myself. Literally. You can probably close your eyes and imagine yourself going to get groceries, or getting married, or your wife having your child. I close my eyes and I can't see any of that for myself. Oh, and I seem to fall for girls who remind me of my former girlfriend in various ways. I've worked with two girls [I](at two different jobs)[/I] who looked incredibly similar to her, one of whom I currently work with. I feel like asking her out but I know that trying to start up a relationship on the basis that she reminds me of my deceased first girlfriend is an incredibly stupid thing to do. Sorry for the long post :/ This is stuff that I've wanted to talk about publicly for a long time as to me, it's why I am the way I am today and why a lot of people here don't like me. I can be stand-offish sometimes and I also sometimes inadvertently start silly drama in the TF2 section and I blame that on being bullied all my life and that leads me to feel it necessary to stand up for what I think is right now. Some of you may feel that that's not a valid reason for why I start drama/can be stand-offish, but to me it is. In my head, it is.

I woke up in the middle of my sleep last night, got in the bathtub with my knife, and thought about it for half an hour. I made little stray marks on my ankles to feel the pain tolerance and decided it was going to be easy. Then I woke up more, realized what I was doing, got back in bed, and cried. I feel like that's the most scared I've ever been in my life and I don't know what the fuck I'm doing.

[QUOTE=UserNotFound;47732983]I was picked on in grade school because I have ADHD and back then, not much was known about ADHD so I was 'weird'. I then became a loner in high school and life sucked until I met my first [I](and last)[/I] girlfriend. Then life was great....then she died and life sucked again. I failed to go back to see her in the hospital in time before she died from cancer in 2005. I did leave her a letter telling her I loved her and apologizing for being an asshole [I](we had a bit of a fight before she ended up in the hospital for the final time)[/I], as she was asleep the last time I saw her. I don't know if she forgave me or even loved me. I haven't been in a relationship in over 9 years. I've only been on 3 dates in those 9 years and all 3 went nowhere after the first date. We also never uh...did it....so there's that. Then I ended up in a LDR with a girl in the UK that went nowhere. She constantly badgered me to find some way to get her over to Canada and out of the UK as she claimed she had been raped [I](turned out to be consensual)[/I]. Called everything off and swore I'd never speak to her again after her many lies. Contacted her late last year [I](after 7 years)[/I] on Facebook in some desperate depression-related attempt to get a second chance. Found out she had gotten married and had a child. Felt incredibly depressed about my life, told her we should just forget about what we had and move on with our lives and that was that. We did come clean to each other about the many lies we told each other which was good. [i]School stuff below, I got caught up in the act of writing out why I'm depressed and I ended up going into my school life big time here.[/i] [sp]I've fucked myself out of any meaningful career by graduating high school the easy way. I was put into a "school to work" program because I did so poorly in the 2nd semester of grade 9 (peer pressure and bullying kicked in and my grades tanked). I ended up being put in "school to work" level classes as well. When we were asked to read a paragraph out of a book in STW English, half the kids in the class couldn't pronounce the simplest words. I sat there and thought to myself once "Why am I in this class? I'm smarter than all these kids" which is true. I'm incredibly intelligent, I just choose not to use it.[/sp] [sp]As well, in this school to work program, you did unpaid work somewhere. Every 110hrs of work earned you 1 credit. I did 990hrs in total over two semesters to graduate. It was at a local hotel doing hotel maintenance which I loved. One student out of the three of us working there was hired and it wasn't me sadly. I went back for a 2nd semester hoping to be hired, but once again was not hired despite me being the better choice out of all the kids working there.[/sp] [sp]I don't have a grade 11/12 science or math, or a grade 12 english as a result. I did a "literacy and basic skills" course at a local college to get the 12 Math and English. Found out I would've had to do like 3 math courses to get the 12 math, and 1 english course to get the 12 english. Ended up skipping numerous classes to fuck around on my laptop in the library and got booted out of the course. Tried the online version of the same course but had to drop out due to obtaining a job. I then tried to get a grade 12 science credit (chemistry) to get into a plumbing apprenticeship. Did an online course, used Google because that shit was hard as fuck. Got to the final exam which was to be written in person and flunked it.[/sp] [sp]You may be wondering why I took the easy way of graduating and fucked myself over. My grandfather had passed away a year before my first girlfriend did. I found out after he died that I was considered the "favorite grandchild" out of myself, my sister and my cousins as I had always helped my grandparents out (cutting their lawn in the summer/shovelling their driveway in the winter, helping build them a new garage with my father, we live in the same neighborhood as them though my grandmother now lives with us) and he wanted to see my graduate high school. That's what forced me to stop trying to "be cool" and focus on graduating.[/sp] [i]Job stuff now.[/i] [sp]I've had a string of shitty call center jobs. I liked them at the time but looking back, they were shitty. I lasted 2 years at one job, 9 months at another (for AT&T). Currently working for a temp agency and have gone through several "laborer" positions without being hired on full time. Because of this, I still live at home with my parents (rents cheap though, $400).[/sp] I also feel horrible over everything stupid I ever did here on Facepunch, towards MaxOfS2D and Mecha the Slag, towards Rebbacus, and towards anyone else I've ever been a dick to on the internet. Except for on the TF2 Wiki. I still have issues with Lagg, RJackson and i-ghost. I'm 27 years old and honestly, I can't see any future for myself. Literally. You can probably close your eyes and imagine yourself going to get groceries, or getting married, or your wife having your child. I close my eyes and I can't see any of that for myself. Oh, and I seem to fall for girls who remind me of my former girlfriend in various ways. I've worked with two girls [I](at two different jobs)[/I] who looked incredibly similar to her, one of whom I currently work with. I feel like asking her out but I know that trying to start up a relationship on the basis that she reminds me of my deceased first girlfriend is an incredibly stupid thing to do. Sorry for the long post :/ This is stuff that I've wanted to talk about publicly for a long time as to me, it's why I am the way I am today and why a lot of people here don't like me. I can be stand-offish sometimes and I also sometimes inadvertently start silly drama in the TF2 section and I blame that on being bullied all my life and that leads me to feel it necessary to stand up for what I think is right now. Some of you may feel that that's not a valid reason for why I start drama/can be stand-offish, but to me it is. In my head, it is.[/QUOTE] fresh from the RC: [QUOTE=UserNotFound;47737181]Also, I may or may not have made all of that stuff up. The dead girlfriend thing is true but everything else, I may have made that up :v:[/QUOTE]