Depression, anxiety, suicidalism and similar disorders, issues and troubles V3 - Discussion, help an - General

Well just found out today that I'm more of a fucking dumbass than I currently am. To put it short, I ironically act like a dumbass to people I meet. I use this pathetic voice and call everyone scrubs Yadayada. I also do it online too, voice and chat. Well I found out awhile ago that someone seriously thought I was actually like that, and I just thought to myself that they don't know what humor is. It happened again, I thought the same thing. But today it happened ONCE again. I got someone really upset. I thought they were playing along. I thought that if someone took if seriously they would say "Hey, what's your problem?" or "Stop being so rude." or something along the lines of that. The reaction I got would be considered rude to say to someone, so I thought he was playing along. Turns out he fucking wasn't. Doesn't fucking help when I have a fear of having some really awful disorder. Hell it fucking makes sense to me. I was born with an extra tooth, so something got fucked up there. My jaw is fucked up, my nose is fucked up. It's all in the head region. I hit puberty hard and early. I had way too many hormones than the average kid. My sister had the exact same problem, she hit puberty hard and early. I'm gay, she's a bisexual who wants to be a guy. We're both emotionally unstable and suffer from depression. I was fucked up mentally as a child too. Sure kids do stupid things, but god fucking damn I'm a moron. In grade 1 I drew guns for math problems, I even took a course in art and all I drew were guns. In grade 5 I basically wrote a story about 2 of my classmates having sex as a way of expressing my hate towards them. I'm still fucked up even now. Like 3 years ago I was a closet bisexual/furry. I used the fandom to escape from the reality of being a massive fuck-up, thankfully I woke up and realised what I was doing. I'm not inclined to speak more about it unless it's to users I trust. I can't so anything right. I have no will to do things other than sit on my ass all day and play video games because that occupies my mind. When I have nothing to occupy my mind I start posting dumb shit like this on an Internet forum. I have even made a fucking list of reasons why I won't commit suicide, that's how fucked up I am. I'm sorry, I just needed to let off some steam.

Ugh, it's still legal for law enforcement to use a polygraph? There's a reason courts don't recognize them as credible evidence. The FBI has even ruined the lives of people already employed because of routine checks with that hunk of junk.

-snip-

[QUOTE=Meller Yeller;40375111]Ugh, it's still legal for law enforcement to use a polygraph? There's a reason courts don't recognize them as credible evidence. The FBI has even ruined the lives of people already employed because of routine checks with that hunk of junk.[/QUOTE] [url=http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fruit_machine_(homosexuality_test)]Reminds me a bit of this.[/url]

I decided not to go to school today because I was in an awful mood. While not at school I ended up worsening the mood because I am an annoying asshole.

I haven't been to school properly for a few weeks now it feels bad but I can't handle it.

I reached the bottom of the hole again. After some time feeling better( i found a hobby, improved some things in my life) some things started to fell apart. Then it all went to the shitter and now i'm feeling completely worthless. The thing that also makes me sadder is that i was doing well and now im this fucking state again. On top of that a good friend of mine was in a bar fight and got hurt. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm again at the point where i just wanna sleep forever or you know, end my life. The fact that most of the problems in my life are still there and strong don't help me at all.

I need to bring myself together and deal with this shit but I don't know how. I haven't been to school for a few weeks as I've said, I've got several assignments late I need to finish up and hand in. I need to catch up in math and for the moment french is not even a possibility. I do play with my band sometimes but that's the only time I get out, I feel at ease with them, playing music, there is no pressure on me as it is with school. In any case I can't handle school but I will not drop out and do the class again, I wouldn't be able to make it. I don't know why, I've just been living in some kind of an empty void for the last days, no motivation, supressing everything to keep the stress down. I can't even pick up one assignment without feeling my whole body sickening. What am I supposed to do...

Try distracting yourself with other stuff, works for me when I'm not motivated. Draw, play videogames, do some exercise or something. Sometimes I even enjoy rearranging things in my room when I'm bored, but what you want to do is up to you. [QUOTE=Joseph Smith;40390686]I reached the bottom of the hole again. After some time feeling better( i found a hobby, improved some things in my life) some things started to fell apart. Then it all went to the shitter and now i'm feeling completely worthless. The thing that also makes me sadder is that i was doing well and now im this fucking state again. On top of that a good friend of mine was in a bar fight and got hurt. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm again at the point where i just wanna sleep forever or you know, end my life. The fact that most of the problems in my life are still there and strong don't help me at all.[/QUOTE] I'm not fully aware of your situation, but can't you do what you did last time to get out of depression?

I keep bouncing around from either being happy as I am, or thinking that I need to kill myself because I am a horrible person. I am a pretty horrible person- I've been a shit friend, and an intolerable asshat at times... All I want is someone to like me. I got that from a very close friend before, but now he seems to be drifting away from me as well... It all started this one day- we sit next to each other on the bus, and I'm waiting for him, when he comes in, eyes tearing up, and just sits down as quiet as he can. Before I can ask him what is wrong, he says that his mom twisted her ankle, and she is in the hospital. Here, a few tears drip from his eyes, and I almost start crying as well- I can see that this is that one traumatic event for him, that one place in your life when everything starts going downhill. I put my hand into his. He just sits there and stares at me for a few moments. Then, I make a mistake. I smile. He yanks his hand out away from me, and just turns away. "You don't know me, or what I'm feeling. Just go away. Just get away from me!" After that, my mind turned blank. The entire ride to school, I sat there staring out the window, thinking, what have I done wrong? When we arrived, he rushed out of the bus and into the building. I went after him, but my little cry of "I love you..." got swallowed up in the crowd, and he never turned back. I simply stood there, the crowd parting around me. Once again, I have failed. Once again, I cannot fix it. Just kill me, I thought. Just shoot me, now, now, NOW! I've fucked up every single thing that I've ever tried in life. First, chess, then school, a career, and now, my last chance at happiness- love. Now, he simply sits and stares. Away from me. And I do the same. Sometimes, with music that lifts the world away. Sometimes, with a gun in my mouth, a knife to my wrists, or a rope on my throat. My parents do not understand- they see my incapability to deal with the stress of usual everyday life to be weakness, and they do not tell me what I know- that they do not love me anymore. They have seen my grades plummet by a few points, and they think that I have nowhere left to go but retail stores, cashiering, simple shit jobs. I went from nineties to eighty eights, and they have yelled and screamed and yelled some more. This friendship was my last stab at living life the way I want to- happy. Now that it has failed, because of one move, I see no more purpose. The world is losing its color- yet again, it is all gray. The sky is blue, but faded. The grass isn't green, its a murky gray, as is the building, the people, their faces, the world. If I can fuck everything up this much, I simply do not deserve to live. But I am too afraid of death to off myself.

Since 25th of January 2012, the date I dropped out of vocational school the second time, my days have consisted of nothing but 16h+ gaming daily every single day for over an year. I have absolutely zero life/future plans other than to be on the computer. The reason for dropping out two times has been my overbearing speech impediment which I can't control no matter how hard I try. Even the simplest, mundane ideas such as talking on the phone, or speaking to a group of unknown people in voicechat make me nauseatingly anxious. I have always deemed myself as a non-awkward social person though, but I feel like being trapped in a prison and I can't express my sociability because of the impediment. Because of this for example, I can't even make an appointment to the barber's, or check up with my apartment application. Now, I will be off to spend another day of my life doing nothing but sitting behind the monitor.

well, I guess I'll start with the fact that I'm here because I don't really have any friends left. it sounds generic, I know, but I actually have an interesting story. I'm here venting because I think I'm falling into a depression again. in the past 9 months, my life has been so screwed around, I don't even know what to think anymore. in one moment I'm a young college graduate with a room full of game systems, and friends hanging out every weekend. 9 months later, I'm married, with two step children, and a son on the way. Me and the woman who is now my wife used to have an amazing relationship. like 'get coffee and talk until 1am' amazing. we are so perfect for each other. (she asked me if we could go see an action movie for valentines day). anyways, she already had these two kids. 2 years old. we hung out every once in a while together, but usually they were with their grandmother so we could go on dates and such. we wanted to be together and spend our lives together, so we got married. I went from a life I enjoyed, to a life of dealing with screaming kids all day, and working too hard to pay my bills, and being so exhausted and strung out even though I sleep next to the woman I love, we hardly have any time for each other. we basically have the relationship of old people now. we spend more time cleaning and picking up after the kids than we do together. Every single day I think about how fantastic our relationship would be if it was just me and her. How we could have the freedom and finances to do whatever we want, whenever we want. It doesn't help that whenever it's just me and her for any periods of time, everything is amazing. No fights, no exhaustion (well... from bad if you get what I'm saying), no stress. Added to that, the friends that I had apparently think a married man never has time for anyone else, and therefore never want anything to do with me now. So now I live with the woman I love, which should make me the happiest man alive (and it does when it's just me and her), but we hardly have time for each other, I'm too overworked and distracted for games anymore, and my friends just don't want to be friends anymore.

When I was 8 I realized my mortality and almost almost stuck a knife in my stomach because of it

so, I'm a workaholic, An alcoholic at the moment. Long distance relationship on pause cause she's unsure what she wants in life. Dad's sick. Mom's sick. Everytime when I come home from work (I'm only at home friday night to sunday night) I drink. And chain smoke. This with my gf tears me up the most. This with my dad to. fuck.

whatever

I'm a fucking wreck. I'm upset over someone thinking I was "sexually insecure" over the fact I don't like people acting all horny around me, I find some fetishes disgusting, and I think one night stands are pathetic. Ironically, I admit that I'm insecure about what others think of me, how people perceive me as being someone who is friendly. I am not sexually insecure. if I was I wouldn't be a homosexual in this very religious city. I don't give a flying fuck about people saying my sexuality is an abomination or anything. I just care about if people perceive me as a nice guy.

[QUOTE=ROFLBURGER;40451489]I'm a fucking wreck. I'm upset over someone thinking I was "sexually insecure" over the fact I don't like people acting all horny around me, I find some fetishes disgusting, and I think one night stands are pathetic. Ironically, I admit that I'm insecure about what others think of me, how people perceive me as being someone who is friendly. I am not sexually insecure. if I was I wouldn't be a homosexual in this very religious city. I don't give a flying fuck about people saying my sexuality is an abomination or anything. I just care about if people perceive me as a nice guy.[/QUOTE] How do you view others? The people that percieve you like that, how do you percieve them back?

I wish I could just forget most of my life

My wife is being sent into pre-term contractions because of those girls. They're making life harder every day. I'm starting to hate life again.

I went to the Sports Medicine doctor today to see what was going on in my knee. After maybe an hour of inspection, they took x-rays. I have a tumor on the back of my leg, and it's potentially cancerous. fuck It's my birthday too. This isn't good for my depression at all

I got a pretty good job as a graphic designer that pays $12 an hour with benefits....... But now we possibly have to put those girls in day care which will pretty much suck up every single dollar I make.......

i can't get this chick out of my fucking head. it's been months and i can't stop thinking about that moment when she told me that there was another. Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck fuck. the first person that i've been able to trust since that girl destroyed me is going to be dead in a year we made arrangements to meet up when he comes to the US for college, but he'll probably be dead or hospitalized by then he's so sweet too.... very innocent. it's strange, i'd give my life to save his. he had such a beautiful future ahead of him. i just want to hold him in my arms and never let go, and squeeze the sick out of him. i just want someone who cares about me and won't betray me or die prematurely

[QUOTE=Neat!;40510889]i can't get this chick out of my fucking head. it's been months and i can't stop thinking about that moment when she told me that there was another. Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck fuck. the first person that i've been able to trust since that girl destroyed me is going to be dead in a year we made arrangements to meet up when he comes to the US for college, but he'll probably be dead or hospitalized by then he's so sweet too.... very innocent. it's strange, i'd give my life to save his. he had such a beautiful future ahead of him. i just want to hold him in my arms and never let go, and squeeze the sick out of him. i just want someone who cares about me and won't betray me or die prematurely[/QUOTE] The trials and tribulations of life are things we don't like to experience but will eventually. You must've held her to high standards only to see it was all a bad idea. You'll eventually get past this, but I understand the feeling of having that one individual that you can't push out of your head no matter how hard you try. I dealt with it for like 3 or 5 years. Sometimes she'll show up in my head again but I've managed to push past it. You will too eventually. You may never get the answers you seek, but you will pass it by and live your own life. As for the friend, is there anyway you can spend more time with him? I think he'd appreciate it if you told him how much you cared about him and wish to see him well. [editline]3rd May 2013[/editline] [QUOTE=D0C H.;40505287]I got a pretty good job as a graphic designer that pays $12 an hour with benefits....... But now we possibly have to put those girls in day care which will pretty much suck up every single dollar I make.......[/QUOTE] Look at what you have and what will be. Would you rather sit back knowing they're safe in a daycare envrionment or find ways to keep the money flowing in so you can treat them/the family to good things? It may be much tougher than it sounds, but you have the power to play with the options as you see fit. Its not set in stone (hopefully). Then again, I really cannot empathize since I'm not experienced with this kind of situation. Apologies.

I started Citalopram (Celexa) a few days ago for anxiety, does anyone have any experience with it? sorry if it's been covered before. I'm on 10mg for now and I've been told it can take up to 4 weeks to take effect..

it seems that more people hate me here than i thought i don't know if i should stay

[QUOTE=Neat!;40537274]it seems that more people hate me here than i thought i don't know if i should stay[/QUOTE] I like you

[QUOTE=sjberlyant;40537326]I like you[/QUOTE] thanks c:

what's the point in going on anymore? nothing makes me happy, nothing makes me smile... it's all just distractions. I hate living; I'm so fucking sad I don't have the courage to end it. I really want to just die, I think about it deeply almost every day. it's almost relieving in a way.

[QUOTE=fudge blood;40541086]what's the point in going on anymore? nothing makes me happy, nothing makes me smile... it's all just distractions. I hate living; I'm so fucking sad I don't have the courage to end it. I really want to just die, I think about it deeply almost every day. it's almost relieving in a way.[/QUOTE] It gets better if you allow it to How often do you feel like this?

[QUOTE=DeEz;40541505]It gets better if you allow it to How often do you feel like this?[/QUOTE] it's been getting worse and worse every for a while... I wanna see for a little over a year, but this week has been baaaad. so bad