Depression, anxiety, suicidalism and similar disorders, issues and troubles V3 - Discussion, help an - General

[QUOTE=Daniel Smith;47812923]I only just noticed how much I resemble Chris Chan. Autistic, bad artist, tries to get a girlfriend but fails every time, the list goes on.[/QUOTE] You aren't like Chris-Chan and you can never become like him due to you having self awareness. Seems more like whatever is lurking down deep inside in your own darkness just inflating the worst aspects of youself in your own eyes. It does it to me, it does it to my girlfriend. Hell it might be the biggest reason for our current turmoil.

I figure at this point if I can't actually succeed with this plan for my life, going to school, it's the last time I'll try. Army couldn't kill me, maybe thrill seeking can. At least I won't die bored. At least I might be able to say that life is over all slightly enjoyable for a while.

Haha, out of money, out of work and being evicted on Friday. Friends for whatever reason think it's hilarious. I wonder what the easiest way to go is.

About to head into my first therapy session. Never thought I'd ever have to type this sentence.

I honestly feel like killing myself right now. Lots of peple hate me and whenever I apologise for doing stupid things and ask for forgiveness, they still hate me. Plus, I'm pretty much failing college and everything I do :(

Hey guys. Thought I'd check in just to say [b]it gets better[/b]. I used to have severe depression while I was at university. I was still finding myself, and there was a lot of inner turmoil. Since then I've learned a lot about myself, taken different directions (some have worked out, others have not). There are times when I came very close to killing myself, I had written a suicide note, and planned my method of suicide. I can't say what stopped me, I'm not sure. Please hang in there, everyone. I genuinely think all of you have something to contribute to this world, everyone does- even if it doesn't feel like it. Everything is connected, you are inherently valuable as you are part of this existence. I feel like the meaning of life is finding the meaning of life, and enjoying yourself while doing that. Of course there are practical things like if you're clinically depressed, the chemicals in your brain that need balancing out, and there are day-to-day things that still bum me out, but in the grand, universal scale of things, how amazing is it to be a part of this! I wish you the best of luck, friends.

Hi Facepunch, I could use some opinions. I'm not used to posting about my personal life, so I apologize for the awkward formatting. I've been employed as the operations manager at a private investment firm for a good year and a half now. I can usually handle the work stress-free, but my boss is bipolar or something and has been verbally abusive on a regular basis. He doesn't personally insult me, but I can't go 2 days without him screaming at me at the top of his lungs over stupid shit outside of my control. This has gone on for 5 months now and I've reached the point where I can't just sit back and take it anymore. The stress has been taking a huge toll on my health, I couldn't even stomach anything for more than an hour a few weeks ago. I also had a nervous breakdown recently and I can't even think straight anymore. I've already tried calling this to his attention, but he was only "nice" for about a week, so that's out of the equation. My question is this: Do I put in my 2 weeks notice and find another job, or do I keep doing my best and try to toughen through it? The job does pay better than any other job I've had, he's been very generous with bonus money, and the hours are pretty lenient, but at the rate things are going I feel like I'm gonna end up with a stomach ulcer by the end of the year.

Higher pay isn't worth being verbally abused, IMO. What's the point of that money if, at some point, you're gonna have to spend it on a stress related doctor's visit? If you can afford the loss of income for a while as you look for something else, I wouldn't stay. Or, at the very least, start looking for something else now and quit once you find an acceptable alternative.

[QUOTE=Yotrig;47816285]Hi Facepunch, I could use some opinions. I'm not used to posting about my personal life, so I apologize for the awkward formatting. I've been employed as the operations manager at a private investment firm for a good year and a half now. I can usually handle the work stress-free, but my boss is bipolar or something and has been verbally abusive on a regular basis. He doesn't personally insult me, but I can't go 2 days without him screaming at me at the top of his lungs over stupid shit outside of my control. This has gone on for 5 months now and I've reached the point where I can't just sit back and take it anymore. The stress has been taking a huge toll on my health, I couldn't even stomach anything for more than an hour a few weeks ago. I also had a nervous breakdown recently and I can't even think straight anymore. I've already tried calling this to his attention, but he was only "nice" for about a week, so that's out of the equation. My question is this: Do I put in my 2 weeks notice and find another job, or do I keep doing my best and try to toughen through it? The job does pay better than any other job I've had, he's been very generous with bonus money, and the hours are pretty lenient, but at the rate things are going I feel like I'm gonna end up with a stomach ulcer by the end of the year.[/QUOTE] Mental health is one of the most important yet oft-ignored aspects of life and a job. If it's that bad and you feel like quitting though, I'd suggest taking control and if you want to give a two-weeks notice [I]anyways[/I], stand up to your boss and tell him that you're tired of the way he screams at you and he needs to either tone it down and treat you with respect still, and if not then you're giving a two-weeks notice. There's a chance he doesn't realise he's doing it or didn't think it bothered you and might change, some people are misunderstood or just ignorant but not inherently bad or in-cooperative. If you're already in the mindset that you can quit, then go ahead and try it. Regardless, though, keep looking for new jobs if possible. Even if you're not quitting it's always nice to search every few weeks or month or so just to have possible back-up plans. Be prepared for everything!

just had one of my bestest friends ignore a message from me, and while I can logically think that it's most likely nothing, I can't help but feel ignored and abandoned. I mean, I can still think that as I said, it's most likely nothing, but it's so hard not to jump to conclusions and feel like shit. feels like the entire friendship is brought down in an instant, that I've done something wrong, said something wrong, etc. really tears me apart gotta keep a cool head and follow the logical thinking, there's no reason for it, right? there could be, but I can't recall doing anything wrong

[QUOTE=PredGD;47817908]just had one of my bestest friends ignore a message from me, and while I can logically think that it's most likely nothing, I can't help but feel ignored and abandoned. I mean, I can still think that as I said, it's most likely nothing, but it's so hard not to jump to conclusions and feel like shit. feels like the entire friendship is brought down in an instant, that I've done something wrong, said something wrong, etc. really tears me apart gotta keep a cool head and follow the logical thinking, there's no reason for it, right? there could be, but I can't recall doing anything wrong[/QUOTE] couple of weeks ago I sent a few messages to a bestie on Steam, was ignored for quite a few days, at first I thought it was something I said wrong but it turned out to be that he was just busy with rl stuff.

That shit happened to me. He just stopped talking and blocked me on steam. Like I gave him like a month alone and then I sent a message and discovered the fucker blocked and removed me on steam. I've known him for like a year and we talked about everything. I can't stand it when people can't just say that they feel a bit gloomy and wanna be alone for a while instead of blocking it. Sometimes it's not worth making friends with some people on this forum, made friends with most swedish people that hardly use FP now but man others are just like brickwalls.

After not having attended the therapy group for a month I finally went yesterday. It's alright I guess, but I feel like the issues I have are preventing me from really finding the things we learn in the group useful. Me mom and my brother moved away from my dad, and I've only seen him a couple of times in a few weeks now, thinking about it just fuels my depression, but there are also good things that are happening so I'm trying to focus on those but I'm bad at it.

[QUOTE=Pascall;47816345]Higher pay isn't worth being verbally abused, IMO. What's the point of that money if, at some point, you're gonna have to spend it on a stress related doctor's visit? If you can afford the loss of income for a while as you look for something else, I wouldn't stay. Or, at the very least, start looking for something else now and quit once you find an acceptable alternative.[/QUOTE] This is true. I've got enough money saved up where I could keep my insurance and other expenses paid for at least a year. I feel especially awkward right now because before I left work today, my boss basically told me we're definitely going to be changing broker-dealers by September, and my boss wants to pay for my flight to Florida at the end of July to go for training where they'll walk me through how their systems work and all their compliance, etc. I'll have to make my mind up soon. [QUOTE=Catscratch;47817071]Mental health is one of the most important yet oft-ignored aspects of life and a job. If it's that bad and you feel like quitting though, I'd suggest taking control and if you want to give a two-weeks notice [I]anyways[/I], stand up to your boss and tell him that you're tired of the way he screams at you and he needs to either tone it down and treat you with respect still, and if not then you're giving a two-weeks notice. There's a chance he doesn't realise he's doing it or didn't think it bothered you and might change, some people are misunderstood or just ignorant but not inherently bad or in-cooperative. If you're already in the mindset that you can quit, then go ahead and try it. Regardless, though, keep looking for new jobs if possible. Even if you're not quitting it's always nice to search every few weeks or month or so just to have possible back-up plans. Be prepared for everything![/QUOTE] I always worry about standing up to employers. I know for sure he's aware of how he is, because often times he'll blame me for something he screwed up, then the day after he acts all nice as a way to atone when he realizes it was his mistake. He did that today, in fact. This guy has the mindset that, since it's his own independent business, that he doesn't have to answer to anyone and thus can do what he wants without incident. It's a really messed up situation. I've called his behavior out in a "professional" way once before, but it only lasted about a week until he was back to being a baby about everything. Thanks for the input, guys. I think I'll confront my boss one more time, and if he doesn't want to listen I'll put the 2 weeks notice ultimatum on him. Almost nothing gets done without my presence there, so I've got leverage.

Right now I'm dealing with a pretty persistent thought pattern that is kind of eating me. I keep getting the idea in my head that because I have attempted suicide and have mental health issues I am a worse person. Understand that I don't think this about other people. It's just an excuse to beat myself up.

[QUOTE=draugur;47808038]There might not be a good reason other than chemical imbalance honestly. See a therapist, they'd be able to tell you more.[/QUOTE] I have for over a year now

[deleted upon request]

this is more blogposting than depression but: Shit. [I]Shit.[/I] Yesterday, I went to visit my grandparents. My grandfather is 75 and in poor health, and he had to get up and answer the door for us because my grandma (slightly younger, much better physically) wasn't around at the time. That's already herculean for him. Now, he turned to greet the two of us, and when he turned again to head back to his chair, he lost balance and fell, thigh smacking right against a wall-mounted faucet. He was in pain yesterday, and today he was taken to ER and I've heard my folks rumor that he might've broken something. And I feel like it's my fault, because I could've caught him and watched the whole fall. I keep reliving the moment and it's [I]ruining[/I] me, and it doesn't help when people say shit like "I think that's it. I think that's the last time he's gonna fall." If he ends up with a broken leg or just dead from it, I feel like I'm gonna carry that memory my whole fucking life, and blame myself for it the entire time.

I wish I had reliable friends that wouldn't just disappear when they feel like it, forgetting that they have people around them. I'm having so much difficulties falling asleep. I don't know the name of my sleeping aid as it has some long complicated name, but it does jack shit for me. I wish I had something stronger that'd kick me in the butt and make me sleep. I feel like venting but there's not a whole lot of thoughts right now. I just feel like shit and feel like throwing it out somewhere. I'm upset about my problem solving skills. I'm upset about not being able to fall asleep. I'm upset about not managing to keep a stable sleeping pattern. I'm upset about my selection of friends. I'm upset.

Yeah, I'm having a very wonderful week. First off, my sisters ex-husband fucked over our phone contract, and took our phones and sold them off. No biggie, I'll just make my calls over the house phone. Then while I'm ensuring all my appointments remained scheduled and all, I discover that my therapist and psychiatrist outright refuse to sign medical documents for my care at Vocational Rehabilitation or the local transit system until I come to my appointments. See the issue with that concept..? Considering I don't have a license, and even if I did I do not have a job to pay for car insurance and the like? I mean come on! Wonderful logic Behavioral Health. You are really putting my problems at ease, and not pushing me to swallow handfulls of ativan and ibuprofen to deal with headaches or looking to self medicate with marijuana or a needle in my arm. In speaking of medication, they are also threatening to take me off ALL my meds, for no reason other then I have been rescheduling my appointments due to inability to find transport. Prozac? Nah, you don't need it. Ativan? Nah, those headaches are not a big deal. Risperdone? Nah, those hallucinations you have and rapidly degrading schizotypal are no big deal! On top of all this, I just went through a panic driven episode with my sister, after her ex-husband took her kid and lied to us about ten times on where they were because he wanted to act like a cunt. This isn't the kind of shit I need on my mind, and thanks to my lowering medications, I have been cutting back on Ativan intake, and all it has accomplished is making me far more openly aggressive to problems. Either way though... Luckily I still have my friends in Arizona to go back to. They have been keeping my head straight for the most part. I really need to get back into gardening, hunting, and fishing thoguh. My mind is racing is fifty different directions, and I just need some peace. Voc Rehab is trying their best to get my medical records and to help sign off some things, but the hopsital is just making shit way to fucking complicated at the moment. Sorry for splurging, but I have been breaking down at the core regarding shit going on at the moment.

Things are going a lot worse for me recently. I get suicidal thoughts all the time now if I'm not high. I'll make a more in-depth post later but now I have to go to the doctor.

i'm going to be homeless by july 1st

Started going for walks, and smoking - rather than just hiding away and smoking when my parents are asleep. Felt pretty good to actually get out of the house rather than being cooped up inside.

[QUOTE=Qaus;47833210]i'm going to be homeless by july 1st[/QUOTE] i've been crying internally ever since i learned this, how do i just let it out

If I actually had the balls to, I would've ended it already, but I'm a coward. I've tried talking to people about all kinds of things in order to get better and I don't feel like it's working or that it ever will. It's evidently clear that everything would be better if I weren't here, but I can never do something about it.

[QUOTE=ilmon3y;47838848]If I actually had the balls to, I would've ended it already, but I'm a coward. I've tried talking to people about all kinds of things in order to get better and I don't feel like it's working or that it ever will. It's evidently clear that everything would be better if I weren't here, but I can never do something about it.[/QUOTE] I don't think the world would be better without you here.

Y'all need some Zoloft up in here. [editline]30th May 2015[/editline] [QUOTE=Qaus;47837246]i've been crying internally ever since i learned this, how do i just let it out[/QUOTE] How does this happen? [highlight](User was banned for this post ("Insensitive posting, be more courteous." - Seiteki))[/highlight]

[QUOTE=Sungrazer;47840465]Y'all need some Zoloft up in here. [editline]30th May 2015[/editline] How does this happen?[/QUOTE] Were you intentionally trying to sound cold? Because you did. If you don't have first-hand experience with disorders of the mind then of course you will have questions, but you don't need to make remarks that, in someone's altered state (depression), could be taken in a negative way. I'll get to writing that post I talked about earlier when I get high enough to think about it clearly.

[QUOTE=Sungrazer;47840465]Y'all need some Zoloft up in here.[/QUOTE] Zoloft won't get me out of debt.

I wish this feeling of everything being unreal would go away. I spend so much energy on this feeling that there's nothing left over. I can't do what I want to do. I'll get my diagnosis down on paper on Monday if I remember correctly. might start taking new meds to fight this feelingof everything being unreal soon as well. hopefully that'll work.