Depression, anxiety, suicidalism and similar disorders, issues and troubles V3 - Discussion, help an - General

[QUOTE=paindoc;47958030]Well that's bullshit because it can swing. If it gets quite severe it's still worth getting help for, even if it varies from time to time. My depression and anxiety still swing in and out, but I see mych less of their extremes since starting medication[/QUOTE]Yeah, I know, it's just something that enables me to lie to myself a lot more.

[QUOTE=AtomicSans;47959176]Yeah, I know, it's just something that enables me to lie to myself a lot more.[/QUOTE] welcome to the club, friend

[QUOTE=AtomicSans;47959176]Yeah, I know, it's just something that enables me to lie to myself a lot more.[/QUOTE] If you are able to see a psych, please do so. It probably won't be an instant fix unless its some super quick medication fix (thankfully, ADHD meds [I]are[/I] damn near instant). Even if its not, walking the path of progress is huge and even that can have a positive mental effect. And if its not fixed by medication, thats what good psychs and therapists are there for. I may be on medication now, but I'm still going to see both an emotional therapist and CBT therapist (school habits) this summer to fully fix my problems that medication can't get. It can also be really hard to make that first call or email to a psych, and for me it took me calling 10 psychologists before I even got a callback- just to say he's not accepting new patients. It really sucked and was a punch in the dick, but I did end up finding someone and they really tried to help me (and did end up helping me). So don't quit, don't give yourself any excuses, just try to do [I]something[/I] please. [editline]14th June 2015[/editline] applies for both of you blokes. Just try to do something, please. Don't give yourself any excuses, I did the same thing and didn't get treatment until it was too late to really save my grades in college for this quarter.

MY FRIEND IS SPEAKING TO ME AGAIN YESSS [editline]14th June 2015[/editline] ok this isn't my blog, I'll stop [editline]14th June 2015[/editline] [QUOTE=paindoc;47960872]If you are able to see a psych, please do so. It probably won't be an instant fix unless its some super quick medication fix (thankfully, ADHD meds [I]are[/I] damn near instant). Even if its not, walking the path of progress is huge and even that can have a positive mental effect. And if its not fixed by medication, thats what good psychs and therapists are there for. I may be on medication now, but I'm still going to see both an emotional therapist and CBT therapist (school habits) this summer to fully fix my problems that medication can't get. It can also be really hard to make that first call or email to a psych, and for me it took me calling 10 psychologists before I even got a callback- just to say he's not accepting new patients. It really sucked and was a punch in the dick, but I did end up finding someone and they really tried to help me (and did end up helping me). So don't quit, don't give yourself any excuses, just try to do [I]something[/I] please. [editline]14th June 2015[/editline] applies for both of you blokes. Just try to do something, please. Don't give yourself any excuses, I did the same thing and didn't get treatment until it was too late to really save my grades in college for this quarter.[/QUOTE]Not to be 'making excuses,' but I don't think I can afford a psych, and I don't think anti-depressants are covered by the shitty California health insurance my parents have. We're kinda dirt-poor.

[QUOTE=AtomicSans;47962819] Not to be 'making excuses,' but I don't think I can afford a psych, and I don't think anti-depressants are covered by the shitty California health insurance my parents have. We're kinda dirt-poor.[/QUOTE] Mental health care is now required to be covered by health insurance thanks to the Affordable Care Act. It's surprising how many people don't know this.

[QUOTE=AtomicSans;47962819]MY FRIEND IS SPEAKING TO ME AGAIN YESSS [editline]14th June 2015[/editline] ok this isn't my blog, I'll stop [editline]14th June 2015[/editline] Not to be 'making excuses,' but I don't think I can afford a psych, and I don't think anti-depressants are covered by the shitty California health insurance my parents have. We're kinda dirt-poor.[/QUOTE] Mental health care is, as mentioned, covered fairly well by insurance. I have a $25 copay per visit then each prescription is $10. Thats just my insurance though, you can look up your provider and find out just about exactly how much it will cover. It will either be a flat rate or a percentage of the charge the psych gives you.

I thought I'd give this a try. It's not really been a good few months and right now I'm sitting in London Liverpool Street station after having brought originally a return to Cambridge from my home location because I was so angry at what's happened over the past few months, and wanted closure. Now all I've done is wasted £40+ on a train journey I don't plan on completing. I'm down with depression for a second time (PHQ9 Score of around 19, which is borderline moderately-severe/severe), I was doing okay with my second year at university, but I wasn't doing well socially (Depression AND Aspergers really doesn't mix). My first partner (currently shitlisted) had decided to bully myself after I originally split up with him due to my first bound of depression in November 2013, including targetting my previous partner who has Endocarditis and was going through therapy himself for a trauma of his previous partner being murdered infront of him back in 2011. My partner on my birthday of all days actually took it to heart so badly (no pun intended) that he collapsed in my student house with me completely shook up and worried. It got so bad after that, I started to fall behind on my workload and society business, I wasn't even willing to get out of bed until 12 noon, and even begun missing meals because I had no energy to talk to anyone in the student kitchens, or even be able to afford food because of how expensive rent was in Cambridge and the fact my parents were already having financial difficulties at home (I dropped from 10.5 stone to just under 9 stone) and eventually became suicidal in December 2014. I was lucky to have a good friend who escorted me to the A&E hospital in Cambridge, but I eventually had no choice but to go back to my hometown after the first round of antidepressant medication (Citalopram 10mg) resulted in a violent reaction 3 days into starting. I'm now currently on Mirtazapine 30mg, once a day. My Endocarditic partner then split up with me a few months ago because I couldn't afford to visit Cambridge, or even talk to him or anyone because I was so goddamn low. I've not really been able to move on because I feel guilty for failing the person that I cared deeply about, and I've lost all of my social networks due to being stuck in my hometown whilst everyone else is at university. (I don't really consider chatting on Facebook that viable an option). I've tried talking to a therapist, and on the second time I just completely froze being unable to talk at all - I've not returned since because I feel like I've wasted their time when there are other people in worse off situations than me. I was also meant to attend the Department of Work and Pensions offices today to discuss getting Universal Credit and start looking for employment, but I couldn't do it either - I'm not classed as "unfit" for work, but I'm also not capable of fully reaching what is expected of me under their Claimant Agreements (35 hours / week of Jobsearch activity). Really, it feels as if I've failed all the people that had faith in my abilities, I'm in a situation where I feel and most likely am completely and utterly unemployable to everyone, and I just don't see any means of improving myself to get back to how things were. All I see myself as is nothing but a drain on my parents meager resources, and honestly, if someone gave me the means to instantaneously kill myself, I would most likely take it. The only real reason why I am still alive is because I cannot guarantee the chances of being instantaneously dead, and also because I can't will myself to do it anyway. In metaphorical terms, the best way to explain how I'd wish for my death would be in the form of just turning a PC off at the mains and never re-plugging it again. Painless, instantaneous, guaranteed. I'll most likely be returning to my home after writing this message once I figure out the train routes back home. I don't really feel better and I honestly cannot see a way out of my situation, but always know that whilst I may feel like complete and utter shite, I will always put someone elses problems ahead of my own, even if it means I've always come in second, if not third place.

i can relate to the being really quiet thing in college most days i would hardly talk some very rare days i was normal. i was already shy but social phobia and other mental health things fucked me up.

The past week I've been crying myself to sleep because all I can think of is ending it.

I'm going to fail my first GD course and it makes me feel bad on several levels, I failed myself, I failed my parents, but most importantly, I failed all the friends and random people who I've told "hey I'm gonna be studying graphics design for the next six years! and get a job! i'm so excited!". For a month straight I've alienated friends because I tripped at some point and can't get around to putting anything together, so it's been a month of not doing any college shit because I can't, but also not doing anything fun or otherwise productive because it makes me feel guilty I'm not spending that time on ([I]not[/I]) doing college work. I constantly tell everyone about what I'm going to do, rather than what I have done, which I'm shy talking about, and that makes not finishing something awful. I've tried to lay off that, but the cheap validation and attention are really good and I need that. I have this huge social media presence even though I'm not good for anything because it's an easy way to get little bits of attention here and there. I go back to old stuff to stare at likes, retweets, even facepunch ratings, shit like that. It sucks.

[QUOTE=latin_geek;47977726]I'm going to fail my first GD course and it makes me feel bad on several levels, I failed myself, I failed my parents, but most importantly, I failed all the friends and random people who I've told "hey I'm gonna be studying graphics design for the next six years! and get a job! i'm so excited!". For a month straight I've alienated friends because I tripped at some point and can't get around to putting anything together, so it's been a month of not doing any college shit because I can't, but also not doing anything fun or otherwise productive because it makes me feel guilty I'm not spending that time on ([I]not[/I]) doing college work. I constantly tell everyone about what I'm going to do, rather than what I have done, which I'm shy talking about, and that makes not finishing something awful. I've tried to lay off that, but the cheap validation and attention are really good and I need that. I have this huge social media presence even though I'm not good for anything because it's an easy way to get little bits of attention here and there. I go back to old stuff to stare at likes, retweets, even facepunch ratings, shit like that. It sucks.[/QUOTE] Yeah, I failed a prerequisite math course. I want to be an engineer, yet I can't even get above a 3.0 in any of the physics and math classes. I love the subjects and feel like I do okay, but I never do well. Even starting treatment hasn't made an ounce of difference in my grades. Worst part is I know I'm okay at the actual engineering part, but fuck me if the prereq courses don't destroy my grades. Doing the same thing as well. Not doing college stuff since summer break, but feel too guilty doing anything fun or productive. Tremendous feeling of failure and going on vacation with ym parents for a week is gonna suck with how guilty I feel and how clearly they will let their disappointment show. Good news is I still managed to raise my cumulative GPA 0.15, now at a 2.65 from the 2.2 I started at after fall quarter. Retaking math next fall too and can easily still get a 3.0+ and maybe actually get into my department (Aero and Astro Eng.) so heres to hoping and fighting :D I feel your pain though. Just accept the failure, move on, and get ready to fight for it next time around. Figure out what went wrong and fix it, its not unfixable or unbeatable by any means. And this one failure doesn't define us, what does define us is what we choose to learn from it. Being wrong or failing is a chance for learning, try not to waste it.

Lately I've been having these premonitions of who I'm going to be in a few short years, this gross caricature of myself who becomes a reclusive financial wreck, hated or pitied by family and friends, unable to make any change. I'm pretty sure it's stemming from my decision to drop of of highschool years ago. Anyone here have a GED? I'd like to hear your story if you're doing better than me.

Dude, you're young, identity issues are more common than flies are attracted to shit. Give it time, high school may have been a big part of your social life and therefore a psychological determination for the perception you have about yourself.

[QUOTE=Memnoth;47983308]Dude, you're young, identity issues are more common than flies are attracted to shit. Give it time, high school may have been a big part of your social life and therefore a psychological determination for the perception you have about yourself.[/QUOTE] Most people I see in their mid 20s are either in school or are doing something productive with their life, seems like everyone has something of value to give, whether it be education or a nice job. I have to compare myself to everyone my own age and honestly it feels like comparing a child to a grown adult every time. I guess I'll try to chill about it. Thanks for responding.

[QUOTE=nox;47983333]Most people I see in their mid 20s are either in school or are doing something productive with their life, I have to compare myself to everyone my own age and honestly it feels like comparing a child to a grown up every time. I guess I'll try to chill about it. Thanks for responding.[/QUOTE] I never finished high school, even though I tried 3 times, I have no job and the only thing I do in the days are watching TV or doing drugs. I'm 24 by the way. Some people are just prone to genetically having a longer time to develop their specific area of expertise. I'm sure your family loves you no matter what happens, because they're your family, it's obligation.

My cousin is getting married and is getting a good job. I deliver pizzas and don't want to go to college. My folks keep getting on me about that and are all like WHY CAN'T YOU BE MORE LIKE YOUR COUSIN. As happy as I am for her, I just don't like being compared to her and stuff, or at least in the "why can't you be like X" context. It makes me feel inadequate, which I haven't felt in quite a while.

[QUOTE=nox;47983333]Most people I see in their mid 20s are either in school or are doing something productive with their life, seems like everyone has something of value to give, whether it be education or a nice job. I have to compare myself to everyone my own age and honestly it feels like comparing a child to a grown adult every time. I guess I'll try to chill about it. Thanks for responding.[/QUOTE] Consider this, your identity is growing without the association of a group of people, like colleagues or classmates. This is why you're questioning it, so therefore you must have stronger potential of becoming someone strong and admirable since you're learning how to become someone without having a point of reference. Religion is a pretty neat tool you can use to mold your identity if you feel completely lost. [editline]17th June 2015[/editline] [QUOTE=gnampf;47983473]My cousin is getting married and is getting a good job. I deliver pizzas and don't want to go to college. My folks keep getting on me about that and are all like WHY CAN'T YOU BE MORE LIKE YOUR COUSIN. As happy as I am for her, I just don't like being compared to her and stuff, or at least in the "why can't you be like X" context. It makes me feel inadequate, which I haven't felt in quite a while.[/QUOTE] Tell your parents, making you feel inadequate is abusive and decadent. Happiness is life quality, feeling inadequacy is not happiness.

[QUOTE=Memnoth;47983484]Consider this, your identity is growing without the association of a group of people, like colleagues or classmates. This is why you're questioning it, so therefore you must have stronger potential of becoming someone strong and admirable since you're learning how to become someone without having a point of reference. Religion is a pretty neat tool you can use to mold your identity if you feel completely lost. [/QUOTE] That's true, though I believe a lot of what creates your identity comes from your surroundings. It's not my identity that causes a foreboding feeling, it's more to do with lacking the motivation or care to try digging myself out of the pit I threw myself into when I flunked.

[QUOTE=nox;47983662]That's true, though I believe a lot of what creates your identity comes from your surroundings. It's not my identity that causes a foreboding feeling, it's more to do with lacking the motivation or care to try digging myself out of the pit I threw myself into when I flunked.[/QUOTE] In my Buddhist view, I exercise detachment of materialistic things, because they are all constantly changing. You are stuck in suffering because you're focusing on the not succeeding in the expected norm of your performance. Lao Zi (The founder of Taoism) said: When you let go of who you are, you might become who you want to be. You're trying to be someone you lack the motivation to become.

Planned to write a wall of stuff but I can't form coherent thoughts in my head. I don't even really know what my feelings are or where they're coming from. I don't know how to describe it to people which is making it harder to seek help. I'm stuck.

[QUOTE=ilmon3y;47983971]Planned to write a wall of stuff but I can't form an coherent thoughts in my head. I don't even really know what my feelings are or where they're coming from. I don't know how to describe it to people which is making it harder to seek help. I'm stuck.[/QUOTE] Does this seem familiar? [url]https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alexithymia[/url]

I feel like no one wants to talk or acknowledge my existence except when they want to hurt me.

I fucked up real bad. I think I damaged the relationship with my GF beyond fixing point. We've broken up. I've been feeling very depressed lately, because I was really happy with her and felt like I truly loved her. I feel really fucking stupid now.

[QUOTE=Secrios;47985081]I feel like no one wants to talk or acknowledge my existence except when they want to hurt me.[/QUOTE] I think an example of how you have been ignored and how you have been hurt would be a good basis for me to understand and determine your underlying psychological issue. [editline]17th June 2015[/editline] To any people out there with social phobia, I'm a sufferer of this condition, I'm terrified of speaking to people I don't know, I'm scared when I'm supposed to make a phone call. But then I got to thinking; What I have learned in human interaction protocols is by communicating to people that are considered normal, since normal is related to the word norm, meaning average behavior. My brain has automatically been programmed to converse in normal terms. So nothing I say can be wrong if my intention is for the good of the situation. (Unless you're autistic like me but that's a different story.)

I've been in a slump ever since i graduated highschool. I would frequently talk to people there but never made any longterm or even really out of school friends, just because I always convinced myself i felt unwelcome to hang out with anybody. Now that i don't even get to socialize by going to school, I feel consistently lonely doing my daily schedule with no friends to chat with. Even though i've got steam where there's tons of people i chat with, it just feel so insubstantial. I don't head to college till after summer, so even if i reinvent myself there and make some friends, i've still got an entire summer of working and moping around to do. Not to mention i've hit a point where i'm always doing shit for family or family is visiting or i'm driving places for work, i stress the fuck out because i never feel like i have a few days to sit and not worry about something i have to do AFTER those few days. It just feels like an issue i could solve by moving out, getting independent and heading to college, where majority of plans are set by myself and my only woes would be financial, but of course that's not an option either without getting a loan or convincing my parents to help me pay..

[QUOTE=Memnoth;47986669]I think an example of how you have been ignored and how you have been hurt would be a good basis for me to understand and determine your underlying psychological issue. [editline]17th June 2015[/editline] To any people out there with social phobia, I'm a sufferer of this condition, I'm terrified of speaking to people I don't know, I'm scared when I'm supposed to make a phone call. But then I got to thinking; What I have learned in human interaction protocols is by communicating to people that are considered normal, since normal is related to the word norm, meaning average behavior. My brain has automatically been programmed to converse in normal terms. So nothing I say can be wrong if my intention is for the good of the situation. (Unless you're autistic like me but that's a different story.)[/QUOTE] It's the feeling of having people refuse to talk to you, unless they want to upset you. You must know what I mean.

[QUOTE=Secrios;47987793]It's the feeling of having people refuse to talk to you, unless they want to upset you. You must know what I mean.[/QUOTE] Well, then I have to say your problematic situation stems from some form of psychiatric or psychological egocentricity that only time will solve. Perhaps you are autistic, have a personality disorder, sufferer of alexithymia or have been isolated for a long time during your childhood. What I'm trying to say is that some communicative part of your brain is currently under-developed and simply needs time. I reached this conclusion when despite the fact I proclaimed I could not relate to your particular circumstantial issue, you still decided to repeat yourself. Which, by the way, was not easy to relay without trying to upset you. There are benefits with every curse. Once I was not able to communicate adequately to make my point due to my autism, but now as I have progressed with age I feel quite fluent in stating my mind.

After losing my last job I've found it impossible to try to get a new one. I want a new job and to feel productive again, but I can't get myself there. Every time I try to take any steps towards looking for or getting a new job, I have an anxiety attack. No matter how gingerly I approach the issue, the second I take even a single baby step towards a new job I'm beset by pretty much every negative emotion and an incapacitating physical stress response that lasts several hours. If I try to overcome the feelings, they just get worse and build up until I [i]have[/i] to stop, due to being too fucked up mentally or physically or both to be able to continue. So far in the six weeks since losing my job I've managed to apply for two jobs. The first one took me a really long time and when I was ultimately not selected for the position it just made things way harder. I managed to push through my stress bullshit and apply for a second job as of yesterday but it's like I'm paying for it in spades. It's been over 24 hours since I've applied and I still haven't come all the way down from my anxiety. I'm still having muscle twitches, headache, nausea, even this far later. I can't even imagine trying to do this again if I don't get this job. It's like every negative feeling I've had about every bad event in my life magnified by 100 and combined into a really stupid emotional breakdown that occurs whenever I need to handle something I've done a dozen times before and is not a big deal at all. It's like fuck I wish I could just take my emotions out of the picture for this. I am entirely conscious of the situation that faces me right now but I seem to have no control over this stupid subconscious bullshit that's doing nothing but getting in the way and seriously fucking my life up.

[QUOTE=Bathacker;47988242]After losing my last job I've found it impossible to try to get a new one. I want a new job and to feel productive again, but I can't get myself there. Every time I try to take any steps towards looking for or getting a new job, I have an anxiety attack. No matter how gingerly I approach the issue, the second I take even a single baby step towards a new job I'm beset by pretty much every negative emotion and an incapacitating physical stress response that lasts several hours. If I try to overcome the feelings, they just get worse and build up until I [i]have[/i] to stop, due to being too fucked up mentally or physically or both to be able to continue. So far in the six weeks since losing my job I've managed to apply for two jobs. The first one took me a really long time and when I was ultimately not selected for the position it just made things way harder. I managed to push through my stress bullshit and apply for a second job as of yesterday but it's like I'm paying for it in spades. It's been over 24 hours since I've applied and I still haven't come all the way down from my anxiety. I'm still having muscle twitches, headache, nausea, even this far later. I can't even imagine trying to do this again if I don't get this job. It's like every negative feeling I've had about every bad event in my life magnified by 100 and combined into a really stupid emotional breakdown that occurs whenever I need to handle something I've done a dozen times before and is not a big deal at all. It's like fuck I wish I could just take my emotions out of the picture for this. I am entirely conscious of the situation that faces me right now but I seem to have no control over this stupid subconscious bullshit that's doing nothing but getting in the way and seriously fucking my life up.[/QUOTE] This could be Generalized Anxiety Disorder, basic panic attacks or Autonomic Partial Seizures, you need to see a psychiatrist, this is suffering beyond necessity. Tell the psychiatrist you wish to become medicated with bensodiazepines for the short duration it takes you from getting into a working routine. Then stop the medication. This will be persuasive and effective because addictive medication should only be used during the short circumstance that creates your symptoms.

[QUOTE=Memnoth;47988177]Well, then I have to say your problematic situation stems from some form of psychiatric or psychological egocentricity that only time will solve. Perhaps you are autistic, have a personality disorder, sufferer of alexithymia or have been isolated for a long time during your childhood. What I'm trying to say is that some communicative part of your brain is currently under-developed and simply needs time. I reached this conclusion when despite the fact I proclaimed I could not relate to your particular circumstantial issue, you still decided to repeat yourself. Which, by the way, was not easy to relay without trying to upset you. There are benefits with every curse. Once I was not able to communicate adequately to make my point due to my autism, but now as I have progressed with age I feel quite fluent in stating my mind.[/QUOTE] I only feel that way online though.