Depression, anxiety, suicidalism and similar disorders, issues and troubles V3 - Discussion, help an - General

i think my boyfriend is going to fire me.

[QUOTE=Secrios;47988504]I only feel that way online though.[/QUOTE] Then you have a personality disorder or social phobia, something that keeps you from being yourself. You're choosing not to express certain aspects about the general information you want to relay and this causes people not being able to relate and are therefore unable to respond, and when that puts you in an aggravated state and over-compensate by behaving differently, maybe your alter-ego is slightly angry?

I feel like I'm rotting away compared to everyone else. I don't often go on social media due to how depressing it can get, but I did anyway and now I feel like garbage. other people move on wards, form relations with new people, experience life while I'm doing nothing with it. it gives me that feeling that if anything were to happen to me, no one would really care. I've experienced other weird feelings recently. it feels as if something on the outside is attempting to influence my actions. I don't know if this is the schizophrenic "oh no I'm being controlled by Satan" feeling that some schizophrenics tell about. I don't believe in that stuff so I understand it has to be a symptom of my illness, not some extraordinary force. it still doesn't change how it feels though, it really does feel like someone or something external are controlling me at times. examples of what I described above could range from simple things like knocking the walls, all the way to feeling like stabbing myself or others with a knife. I'm scared I might do it against my own will at one point, I don't trust myself at all. I haven't mentioned this to my therapist as I find it really embarrassing. it feels really odd to say that something external is "controlling" me since I don't believe it myself, but the feelings are there. I'm afraid I might do something I'm going to regret. I'm also afraid that if I mention this, I might be considered for forced hospitalization. I don't know if I'm a threat to others or myself yet, but sometimes it feels like I might be.

[QUOTE=PredGD;47990980]I feel like I'm rotting away compared to everyone else. I don't often go on social media due to how depressing it can get, but I did anyway and now I feel like garbage. other people move on wards, form relations with new people, experience life while I'm doing nothing with it. it gives me that feeling that if anything were to happen to me, no one would really care. I've experienced other weird feelings recently. it feels as if something on the outside is attempting to influence my actions. I don't know if this is the schizophrenic "oh no I'm being controlled by Satan" feeling that some schizophrenics tell about. I don't believe in that stuff so I understand it has to be a symptom of my illness, not some extraordinary force. it still doesn't change how it feels though, it really does feel like someone or something external are controlling me at times. examples of what I described above could range from simple things like knocking the walls, all the way to feeling like stabbing myself or others with a knife. I'm scared I might do it against my own will at one point, I don't trust myself at all. I haven't mentioned this to my therapist as I find it really embarrassing. it feels really odd to say that something external is "controlling" me since I don't believe it myself, but the feelings are there. I'm afraid I might do something I'm going to regret. I'm also afraid that if I mention this, I might be considered for forced hospitalization. I don't know if I'm a threat to others or myself yet, but sometimes it feels like I might be.[/QUOTE] Intrusive thoughts happen to lots of people, but they can be amplified in schizophrenia. It is not you. It is your disorder twisting part of the normal human experience. Please do tell your therapist, there is nothing to be embarrassed of and theres a good chance they can help.

[QUOTE=paindoc;47990998]Intrusive thoughts happen to lots of people, but they can be amplified in schizophrenia. It is not you. It is your disorder twisting part of the normal human experience. Please do tell your therapist, there is nothing to be embarrassed of and theres a good chance they can help.[/QUOTE] it makes the most sense in my head to tell my therapist as well, but it's something I'd rather not. I think I'm going to delay it until I've started with Zyprexa and take it from there. maybe it'll get rid of it?

[QUOTE=PredGD;47991064]it makes the most sense in my head to tell my therapist as well, but it's something I'd rather not. I think I'm going to delay it until I've started with Zyprexa and take it from there. maybe it'll get rid of it?[/QUOTE] Maybe. If you can control them, then you're probably fine for now. Same with being able to even acknowledge that their bad and affecting you, and the fact you considered speaking to your therapist. You're doing fine, it is not an urgent matter. If that makes you feel better, than do it. I've had to learn to open up to my psych in ways I don't open to anyone- normally I'm very meek about anything sexual or relating to my sexuality irl but I sorta had to tell them the weird stuff going on with me to make sure the medicine wasn't having an unexpected side effect.

Had a major backlash with depression this year, gotten better after I took the step of going on medication. The first time it kicked in was a feeling of true liberation from all my worries and stress, something I haven't been able to feel in a long time. It has made me more aware of the core issues that has been causing my anxiety and depression over all these years, how my insecurities of growing up as an ethnic minority making it difficult for me to find my own identity and myself. I really want to retake the year at university to improve and continue my strong performance from first year as my academics really went to hell because of the backlash, but I'm feeling guilty for wanting to do so. I guess a lot of it stems from not wanting to disappoint my mother and that's why I'm so tough on myself.

Living with a spouse who has Bi Polar disorder is exhausting. It makes me wonder if it was even worth it.

Night time is when the worst of shit hits me, I don't think this medicine is working anymore. I cry myself to sleep now, I feel pathetic.

My girlfriend's depression struck again. She called me on Tuesday and expressed having some suicidal thoughts. And feels like she's not suitable for a relationship in her current state (again). But I told her that I would wait since there is no one else for her. I reminded her of that her friends and me dearly love her. Then we did this small exercise where I asked her to name something good about her, she could only name one thing whilst I named four and she promised that she'd keep them in mind. Then later on I remember one of her most incredible virtues; she saved my life. That's what it feels like to me. I was in a really destructive state, one being really passive and occasionally cutting myself. But what I wanted to add here was: I could not sleep the night before last, due to her problems and feeling like we might stop our relationships romantic part. Then last night I cried myself to sleep because I was afraid that I'd see a nightmare of her dying. Tried to call her and text her, but she didn't reply. I wrote about my feelings last night and that I could not carry on if she'd die. I also talked to her sister about it, who knew. Who reassured me that my girlfriends own cure for these bouts of depression has always been her having some time on her own, something which my GF has told me too. Thing is that I always doubt myself and my head tries to blame me for everything and I wanted to ask here if it was the right thing for me to say to my girlfriend that I couldn't carry on without her alive. [editline]19th June 2015[/editline] Also for some dumb reason I posted about this in the Superfriendly and the SG&S thread instead of here right away. Well, now that I'm here I might as well express my sincerity: Not only did I cut myself before I met her, I also had a plan out which I thought of many times. Loading my blank-gun and firing around in my chest to make my heart stop from the pressure-wave and thus make a "clean" death.

[QUOTE=Sunday_Roast;47999388]I also had a plan out which I thought of many times. Loading my blank-gun and firing around in my chest to make my heart stop from the pressure-wave and thus make a "clean" death.[/QUOTE] I have to say, in all my time researching and planning out my suicide, I have never heard of anything like this. I'm not judging. I think any suicidal plan, thought or action should be taken extremely seriously no matter how likely or unlikely a fatal outcome would be. I had a friend who deliberately shot himself in the foot with a BB gun and whenever I hear people make fun of him for it I get extremely uncomfortable, even nauseous.

[QUOTE=GeneralSpecific;47999690]I have to say, in all my time researching and planning out my suicide, I have never heard of anything like this. I'm not judging. I think any suicidal plan, thought or action should be taken extremely seriously no matter how likely or unlikely a fatal outcome would be. I had a friend who deliberately shot himself in the foot with a BB gun and whenever I hear people make fun of him for it I get extremely uncomfortable, even nauseous.[/QUOTE] Got the idea from an episode of CSI where a guy got killed that way. And those blank-guns have a surprisingly hard blast and I'm also very lean, which would have helped in achieving that. But the only way I can ever see that becoming relevant again would be if my girlfriend were to commit suicide. And no death is clean thanks to the whole postmortem shitting thing.

So I tried out SFM, downloaded it, watched some tutorials, and decided to do a basic edit to one of the Meet the Team videos it came with. I exported it, rendered it, and put it up on youtube, only for this to come out: [url]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yi87cy9Jeqc[/url] I honestly don't know what to feel. I'm constantly bouncing back between liking how it reminds me of those creepy found footage VHS-esque tapes and the silly quirkyness of it and fucking hating myself over how it turned out, that I must've overlooked something very pertinent in the process, and now it looks like that.

I find myself in situations where I know something shitty is going to happen if I make a choice, but the temptations of making that choice is too big and I do it and then I end up disappointed in myself when it leads to shittiness even though I was expecting it. I feel so gloomy. I feel so lonely but I want to be by myself.

Whenever I'm having a good time, someone says something like "you're doing it wrong" and I just want to kill myself because I've never found a group I get along with or fit into. Do I change or what? Advice like "be yourself" is great if you fit into a community or small group of like minded people, but I've been in so many groups and met lots of different people but I'm not on the same wavelength as any of them. I have to change everything but interests or I'll be stuck in a room by myself. Yeah so that's why I think I'm a shit person, because I annoy people no matter what I do or how hard I try not to (the CIPWTTKT guys know all too well how annoying I am). There just isn't any group of people I'm on the same wavelength with. I wish trying to be someone better wasn't so fucking hard. I'd see a counsellor, but I don't want to speak to a condescending 'pay by the hour' asshole. I think I'm just undeserving of any sort of social interaction as I'm always wrong or annoying.

Trying to join the military one last time, if I get denied i don't know what i'll do. I have enough money for a bus ride to upstate new york. I'm gonna find a nice isolated place in the mountians to starve in.

just took my first Zyprexa. hopefully this marks the beginning of a better life without all of these symptoms [editline]19th June 2015[/editline] I took a pill that was supposed to dissolve, which it of course did, and it gets picked up through the mouth and goes directly into the blood. hopefully I'll feel an effect pretty quickly

[QUOTE=PredGD;48006309]I took a pill that was supposed to dissolve, which it of course did, and it gets picked up through the mouth and goes directly into the blood. hopefully I'll feel an effect pretty quickly[/QUOTE] do anti-psychotics actually work that fast? if so that's quite cool.

[QUOTE=Leg of Doom;48006521]do anti-psychotics actually work that fast? if so that's quite cool.[/QUOTE] that's probably just me being incredibly optimistic, I read up about it and it'll probably take about 1-2 weeks before I start feeling its effect. very optimistic about this drug though, heard lots of positive things about it! I really hope it'll be the game changer

[QUOTE=TheJunction;48006074]Trying to join the military one last time, if I get denied i don't know what i'll do. I have enough money for a bus ride to upstate new york. I'm gonna find a nice isolated place in the mountians to starve in.[/QUOTE] Just wanna apologize for posting this crap here. Anxiety is a bitch, and after a few days of moping i've pulled my head out my ass. Just remember everyone, no matter how bad things may seem, if you persevere through the bullshit, you may find something even better than you had thought possible. I know its easier said than done, and that depression is like quicksand, but its the damn truth that you will find your way.

Kinda just want to vent since I have nobody else to talk to. Been working this average job of mine for three years, and it kinda dawned upon me how everyone is moving on in life like the posts earlier were talking about. I don't have 'friends' per se, but co-workers and acquaintances I meet through my job that I act friendly towards. They're all getting better jobs, getting into colleges, or starting families. Me? I'm a loner with a friendless background, a flat personality and a p. terrible past due to my own actions, but nobody knows that. I've lied about my entire life to the few people that decide to talk to me, and nobody is none the wiser - but they don't really care about me either. Honestly, my life is in the shitter and I can't talk to anybody about it. No friends in real life, and the few friends I've met on Steam were friends I've made eight years ago. Most of them are busy with their lives and rarely get on Steam nowadays which is understandable. My main issue is I just have no idea what the hell I'm doing, what do I want to do, and where I want to go in life. I have no motivation, desire, or productivity. I'm just this blank state. Best way to describe it as if I'm just surviving in life but I'm as good as dead right now. I have no sense of self or personal identity, and I'm just living to breathe. Even when people are speaking, I just agree with everyone without hesitation and I don't form an opinion or thought of my own. "A friend to all is a friend to none" and "A man who stands for nothing falls for anything" is what would usually describe those type of people. All I know is I want to be secure financially, and perhaps try to get a good education -- which is hard since that comes back to me having to have the funds to do so, which I don't. It's a vicious cycle I'm in and I have no idea what to do to get out of it. And [B]on top[/B] of that I have been diagnosed with severe depression, and have been told multiple times to seek help. But I can't since I'm too afraid to call out for help, plus the expenses of seeing a therapist would probably be too much for me. So yeah, I'm stuck here.

I think I have [URL="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Borderline_personality_disorder"]this[/URL] what do...

[QUOTE=damnatus;48011319]I think I have [URL="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Borderline_personality_disorder"]this[/URL] what do...[/QUOTE] See a psychiatrist and find out for sure. In the mean time do some cognitive behavioral therapy, even if it isn't BPD it will help with whatever it is.

[QUOTE=DELL;48011710] cognitive behavioral therapy[/QUOTE] what's that?

[QUOTE=damnatus;48012464]what's that?[/QUOTE] [url]http://psychcentral.com/lib/in-depth-cognitive-behavioral-therapy/[/url] The idea is to change your thought process to something less awful.

I think I can understand why it's so hard to break out of a delusion for schizophrenics. I'm experiencing paranoia over that people I know in real life are stalking me on the internet to find something to use against me. I understand that it's most likely part of my illness, yet I somehow don't believe myself. whenever I try to rationalize and think about it deeply, I can't think. it's as if my brain shuts off for a brief moment. it's too easy to believe the first thought and not give it anymore thought, simply because it's hard to think and continue my thinking trail. it still feels really odd to say that I'm schizophrenic, I suppose it hasn't completely sunk in yet. I'm glad I'm at least aware of the illness so I can survive without too many delusions.

I like night but I hate lying in bed trying to go asleep while being haunted by all the dumb things I have ever done and the sheer amount of work I have to do over the next several weeks and how impossible it all is and how I might as well not even start because I am doomed to fail miserably like I deserve.

Everything just added up and caused a mental breakdown for me today. Which didn't do a lot of good as I ended up hurting my girlfriends wish for privacy in her time of depression due to acting out of sheer panic. I even succumbed to self harm again as I bashed by head on my dad's cars driving wheel, giving me a small gash on my forehead. I called my best friend who managed to calm me down. Or I don't know if I was really calm, I mostly just felt numb. I then went to my other best friends place to talk and then later talked online with my girlfriends sister about what happened. Luckily she's smart and understanding, which helped me. And now she's the one I'm leaning on again as I got struck quite badly by anxiety. I can't even remember when I've had anxiety this pure since this. Shaking, having a racing pulse, feeling hazy and breathing feeling like I have two bricks pressing on my chest.

[QUOTE=Terminutter;48014012]I like night but I hate lying in bed trying to go asleep while being haunted by all the dumb things I have ever done and the sheer amount of work I have to do over the next several weeks and how impossible it all is and how I might as well not even start because I am doomed to fail miserably like I deserve.[/QUOTE] laying in bed at night is when the worst thoughts flood in stay strong mate.

What I did yesterday caused the girl I love to be scared of me, caused me to be scared of myself, she doesn't want to be in contact with me for a long while if ever at all she said. And she doesn't me to be in contact with her circle either. But we came to an understanding: She doesn't want to see me and I don't want her to see me either and she'll contact me when it feels right for her. Because I don't want to be anymore whom I became yesterday when I succumbed to fear like I did. She said that she can see why I acted out as I did. I've come to terms with it today: I am in an abusive relationship with myself. I've learned to live as nothing I do is ever enough. That whatever goes on beyond my reach is the worst possible thing imaginable and even the imagine is enough for punishment to myself. Which has turned me into being a control-freak. This causes immense pain to myself and those I love. I had my wake-up call and am able to look at myself from an outside perspective. My closest friends and her included love me for who I am, not for my facade. It is something I must learn to let go of. And today my best friend helped me see those farces I've made myself to create in order to survive, due to having been bullied for almost the entirety of my time in school. This mental and physical abuse of myself will only hurt those I love and whom love me. And that is something that I don't want to happen ever again. Earlier today I did manage something: I was in my usual thinking-spot with my wrist bare and my knife in my other hand. I felt like punishing myself some more for yesterday, but I was able to overcome that desire and threw the knife into the shrubbery. One thing that will be a great deal for helping me accept myself is that she said that she doesn't hate me for what I did, nor hold a grudge. I can see a faint hope for re-animating our friendship, I really do hope that we could re-animate our romance. But that doesn't mean anything if I don't break up my own abusive cycle and learn to love myself. Already I've taken the step to believe when two of my friends have said to me today that my insights showed that I am capable to love myself again.