Depression, anxiety, suicidalism and similar disorders, issues and troubles V3 - Discussion, help an - General

I feel like my life isn't going anywhere. I'm 18, unemployed, and haven't even finished highschool. All i do is play csgo and sleep and eat and listen to music. Thats about it. I know i've got it easy compared to you guys but i keep browsing facebook and everyone looks like they are having great times, working on awesome things, going to school and furthering their education, meanwhile im stuck in a basement with no friends in my town, no job yet, and nothing else to do but wait while i hope for a call back from my potential job. Everythings so depressing to me for no reason, i don't really find any joy in anything, and lately i've been getting suicidal thoughts - Basically the only reason i haven't (or wont) kill myself is because i feel like i'd be letting down everyone who's loved me. [editline]22nd June 2015[/editline] I've been feeling like this for many months. Infact even in school before it was finished, i always saw myself as the one guy who would always fall short of everything.

Last night after an eventful weekend I broke down while listening to some music, and I just felt lonely Today i woke up in a mood where I don't want to talk to anyone but my phone is blowing up, I feel it'll be rude to just end the conversation so ill keep going And everything feels uncomfortable, another "ugh" day

I live right next to a public park and seeing everyone having fun right outside my window makes me feel even worse. I know it's horrible but i can't help it.

CBT didn't work for me i feel like a lost cause fuck

so there's this cute girl i've been flirting with over snapchat all summer, and I'm pretty sure she's gonna let me date her. Let's say her name is "Sarah". Problem is I have tourettes and my current big tic is "Sarah is dead. I killed her". Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck me I don't know how I should approach this problem. Do I tell her outright what's up, or hope that I mumble it enough each time that she doesn't hear? Fuck Tourettes

[QUOTE=Elecbullet;48029046]so there's this cute girl i've been flirting with over snapchat all summer, and I'm pretty sure she's gonna let me date her. Let's say her name is "Sarah". Problem is I have tourettes and my current big tic is "Sarah is dead. I killed her". Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck me I don't know how I should approach this problem. Do I tell her outright what's up, or hope that I mumble it enough each time that she doesn't hear? Fuck Tourettes[/QUOTE] I would tell her honestly????? That's kind of a weird thing to overhear without knowing the context. She'll be less likely to run off after hearing something like that if she knows it's your tourettes. I mean it's not a guarantee, but.

I gotta weigh a shitty outcome of her hearing me with the shitty outcome of me telling her against the nonshitty outcome of her not finding out, and the probability of her not finding out. I want to imagine the probability is good enough that I might get one or two dates out of it before I drop the bomb. Fuck Tourettes so bad!

[QUOTE=Elecbullet;48029860]I gotta weigh a shitty outcome of her hearing me with the shitty outcome of me telling her against the nonshitty outcome of her not finding out, and the probability of her not finding out. I want to imagine the probability is good enough that I might get one or two dates out of it before I drop the bomb. Fuck Tourettes so bad![/QUOTE] Listen, if she's a caring person she'll understand. If she wants to date you, she knows she'll be on your mind and will understand the disorder draws from your mind, and thus draws her image forth in that way. I don't think she'll be insulted-- I'd take it as a sign that you think about me. As long as you didn't kill me, of course. I'd be a little annoyed if you did that.

"Don't kill her" advice taken thank you

I need a creative outlet but I have no skill in anything

[QUOTE=AtomicSans;48030005]I need a creative outlet but I have no skill in anything[/QUOTE] Have you looked into poetry?

I don't care about myself anymore, I'm sick of "me" in general. This is going to sound really fucking stupid but I really just want to love someone and make that person feel as though they are everything. I want to get to know everything about someone and talk for hours on end. I feel like an idiot for feeling this way, I just want to give the world to someone....

My dad died yesterday. It feels so strange and I feel so weak.

[QUOTE=MrJazzy;48031586]My dad died yesterday. It feels so strange and I feel so weak.[/QUOTE] It's sadly something that will happen to us all in the end. Stay strong and take care of yourself and your family.

[QUOTE=ColdWave;48030784]I don't care about myself anymore, I'm sick of "me" in general. This is going to sound really fucking stupid but I really just want to love someone and make that person feel as though they are everything. I want to get to know everything about someone and talk for hours on end. I feel like an idiot for feeling this way, I just want to give the world to someone....[/QUOTE] I've tried that numerous times and failed. As you can see by my previous posts here. You can give the world to someone, but you should first give the world to yourself. Otherwise that world is going to come crumbling down if you haven't dealt with your own problems.

[QUOTE=MrJazzy;48031586]My dad died yesterday. It feels so strange and I feel so weak.[/QUOTE] I'm very sorry to hear that. I can't imagine how you've been feeling.

[QUOTE=MrJazzy;48031586]My dad died yesterday. It feels so strange and I feel so weak.[/QUOTE] My condolences, it is tough to lose a family member. I learnt that a few months ago and sometimes I still reel over it. Stay strong as best as you can and make sure you and your family make it through the dark, grim days

Out of a job again. Store closed down. I feel like I'm cursed or something.

Thanks guys, I think I'm handling it fairly well, it's just everybody wants to be a comfort and I feel like there's nothing to say about it but thankfully nobody is being pushy, I don't feel like talking about it I just feel like I have to process it in my mind by myself.

[QUOTE=Qaus;48030544]Have you looked into poetry?[/QUOTE]Yeah, I'm complete trash at it. I have a really good visual imagination but I haven't drawn anything in years. Not eager to try it again and see how much I've let it decay over the years.

I have to go apply for jobs tomorrow does anyone have tips on how to get my anxiety down so I don't look like a mess of a person in front of potential employers?

[QUOTE=IPK;39758109]Eating lemons mixed with chili peppers will force you to run outside for 100 kilometers! Try it! Will solve your sadness in a instant[/QUOTE] Good advice, lol.

So I've been doing okay for a while but today I suddenly just kind of realized that I'm a lonely ugly sociophobic shut-in nerd with no friends whose only real experience with the world has been travelling between my computer chair and the fridge. How do I like stop realizing that, cause that'd be cool.

[QUOTE=Vehk;48037607]So I've been doing okay for a while but today I suddenly just kind of realized that I'm a lonely ugly sociophobic shut-in nerd with no friends whose only real experience with the world has been travelling between my computer chair and the fridge. How do I like stop realizing that, cause that'd be cool.[/QUOTE] Well you like games, go the the arcade or your local game shop thats was the advice I was given and it work. Also getting a job has helped me in the past because it forces you to be social especially something like call center work.

[QUOTE=XxThreedogxX;48037742]Well you like games, go the the arcade or your local game shop thats was the advice I was given and it work. Also getting a job has helped me in the past because it forces you to be social especially something like call center work.[/QUOTE] I haven't seen an actual arcade in years and "nearest game shop" around here translates to "that little Gamestop a few towns away" so that's not much of an option. :p I've been working on the job thing but that's not happening particularly quick.

So these past days I've been really just digging down on what has shaped my abandonment issues and manipulative behavior. Despite being helpful it has also been really painful to unravel my past. My best friend helped me see that I've created an outer shell due to bullying and I was able to bring up my parents negligence and belittlement towards me. But I've now really started to see how deep it really goes. My mother especially is a strong factor in the belittlement. For example: When I was finally bring up that I've been bullied almost my entire school-life, she asked that what if there was something with me that caused me to be bullied. Or when studying to be a media-assistant, I wanted to quit and learn 3D-arts on my own, but my mother was able to suppress me and keep me going on with my education with the help of a psychologist. Even today; I was really restless in my sleep and went out for a walk and to call the crisis-center when I felt like that these last two days have almost felt like a week and how will I last one more week to my next psychologists visit. But I was able to address my fears calmly and triumph over my manipulative thought patterns, to see how harmful they are and why I must let go of them, as well as addressing their causes, yet again. But when told my mom about my walk that was very opening for myself; she replied with "Are you sure it was really a good thing to go out to think about all those things". Which was infuriating as hell, but I managed to stay very calm. I could imagine that she fears my new phase of finding myself in fear of digging out something that she's ashamed of (which has happened already). One thing that gave my mind ease was re-reading my message to my girlfriend about my suggestion about our mutual understanding "I'll leave you out of my life to focus entirely on my own problems and you'll contact me when you finally feel able to", I realized that what I said was something truly solemn, sober and truly loving. It made me feel that I truly have a second chance, because I was dead serious when I said it and have been keeping up to my word and been doing some really serious progress already. I know now with certainty that I will be cured, because I'm letting it happen no matter how painful it would be. Another topic regarding bullying: I realized today why I smoke, while out for my morning smoke. When in vocational-school; the bullying was nowhere near as severe as in primary school. I was never outright assaulted verbally or physically, I was only the butt of the joke most of the time. And I started smoking to conform with my classmates.

In a rut today. Had an amazing dream last night about something very important to me that I will never get to experience again, and I woke up to realize it wasn't real. Really set my entire day off. Today was supposed to be good, too.

I react so badly towards negative feedback. it makes me feel so worthless and makes me doubt my skills if I were to ask for feedback regarding a skill. doesn't take a lot either, one person is enough. I really want to disappear from everyone. be by myself with no one else

[QUOTE=AtomicSans;48030005]I need a creative outlet but I have no skill in anything[/QUOTE] Yo dude I agree with Qaus, give writing a go. As a person who writes and submits things to contests/journals and succeeds sometimes, I'll happily admit writing well is one of the easiest creative outlets to pick up. Because aside from picking up the craft which you will do as you write naturally, a large part of it is simply what you write about. I know you say you're trash but if you saw anything I wrote as recently as two years ago you'd be cringing at how schlocky it is It can be super mundane things as well, I won a short story competition with a story about when I went a whole day obsessing over the fact that one of my teeth felt different and I couldn't figure out why (writers secret - audiences fucking LOVE writing about mental illness and other outsider subjects). The great thing about writing is the ability to make anything interesting. Also if you choose to write on something you don't really know too much about, it gives you a great excuse to get really in depth and do research, which I always find super rewarding and fun. Another thing to bear in mind; Writing competitions tend to have real ass prize money behind them. I've won £500 on a short story competition and there are some that have a grand prizes round the £5000 mark. Also if you ever want to send anything my way to get it workshopped, I know I'm not a super famous writer or anything prestigious, but I've done my fair share of editorial work and I'd be happy to help. [editline]24th June 2015[/editline] I do really wish there was a creative writers community on facepunch. The photography and visual arts and music communities are so great I really would love to get one started for writers [editline]24th June 2015[/editline] [QUOTE=ColdWave;48030784]I don't care about myself anymore, I'm sick of "me" in general. This is going to sound really fucking stupid but I really just want to love someone and make that person feel as though they are everything. I want to get to know everything about someone and talk for hours on end. I feel like an idiot for feeling this way, I just want to give the world to someone....[/QUOTE] I felt the same way for a long while. I wanted to find someone I was willing to die for. But you have to remind yourself that you can't form a healthy relationship in that mindset. The person will feel guilt and concern for you which will never allow for equal footing in the relationship.

i hate my depression so much. there is nothing i can do about it.