Depression, anxiety, suicidalism and similar disorders, issues and troubles V3 - Discussion, help an - General

I feel like absolute shit for no reason. This is the most depressed I've been in years. It just started earlier today, and I hope it will go away tomorrow

Nothing will help me feel better no matter how much I drink. I thought alcohol would be the answer to my problems but it really isn't. [editline]24th June 2015[/editline] If not even alcohol can make me feel better then what's the fucking point. I wish I was dead [editline]24th June 2015[/editline] Fuck life

less than 3 days until my social life ends. gr8

Hey, there. Everyone, I've recently been unbanned from this site, and I just wanted to tell you guys all about what has happened since my leave. I went to a camp for Domestic Violence survivors, my mother got beat every single day and got shocked with a taser, almost every single day, for a month. It was a month of living hell, I've been diagnosed with PTSD and I take anti-depressants every day, but I got to tell you guys about something. My life has been changed forever. I've lost twenty pounds, started eating healthy, and gained the motivation to do all of this. You guys helped me out quite a bit too, even with all the drama I have gotten into on this site. The camp was called Camp Hope, and I honestly think it helped me out quite a bit, it feels good to run, it feels good to hike, it feels good to do all of this stuff, and it has changed me as a person. I am more lively than ever. [URL="http://www.tulsaworld.com/news/local/camp-hope-provides-youth-with-ways-to-break-the-cycle/article_534bdf57-ac89-52df-b275-5d1ebd2dd765.html"]http://www.tulsaworld.com/news/local/camp-hope-provides-youth-with-ways-to-break-the-cycle/article_534bdf57-ac89-52df-b275-5d1ebd2dd765.html[/URL] that's the article about the camp i was in

[QUOTE=Crpto2007;48044114]Nothing will help me feel better no matter how much I drink. I thought alcohol would be the answer to my problems but it really isn't. [editline]24th June 2015[/editline] If not even alcohol can make me feel better then what's the fucking point. I wish I was dead [editline]24th June 2015[/editline] Fuck life[/QUOTE] Seek professional help! Please.

Honestly if anyone wants someone to listen to em, feel free to pm me, i'll give you my number and you can call pretty much whenever. I can't really help in anyway besides listening and give a few kind words, but if anyone wants that feel free to call. [editline]25th June 2015[/editline] Oh shit, I don't mean to be a butt, but U.S only, anything else will land me in the poor house.

I lack any motivation to do anything, be it learn skills that I want to learn, interact with people, or anything really. I've had a therapist tell me I probably have depression but that was about two years ago when attending therapy with my mother and sister to help deal with my father's alcoholism but that was also the day I found out my mother was cheating on my father so I refused to pursue the depression thing any further purely out of spite. I haven't been back since though I've toyed with the idea doing so but I can't give enough of a shit to bother with it despite the fact that it would be completely free due to the benefits my workplace offers.

I tried to go driving today to clear my head which usually works but instead I just blew out my voice screaming about how much I hate myself. Awesome.

It feels like I've been depressed forever. My friends keeps asking my to hang out with them, but I just don't feel like it. I like being with them, and I appreciates the few friends I have. But I just want to be alone. Sorry if this sounds stupid, but it would be nice to chat on steam or something with someone new, if you want to please PM me.

Small-minded people: "You don't look sick." Us: "And you don't look like a fucking doctor." :v:

I'm really sick of hearing about how its the end of the world and I'm really, really sick of having anxiety attacks over it.

[QUOTE=PelPix123;48054630]i'm really sick and nobody knows why. headaches, dizziness, now my eyes are swelling. being mentally ill sucks because doctors often don't take you seriously "OH YOUR EYES ARE SWELLING AND ONE OF YOUR PUPILS IS STUCK OPEN" "CRAZY PEOPLE'S BRAINS SURE DO WEIRD THINGS TO THEIR BODIES HUH" "HERE'S SOME BENZOS FOR HOW SCARED IT MAKES YOU" so now I have benzos. thanks doc 10/10.[/QUOTE] holy shit what, he actually said that word for word? Or does he know you're being treated for mental illness and decided to use it as a cop out? Did he even bother to examine you properly, I know he was being dismissive but seriously did he even bother to check you out?

I'm so fucking sick of being so irritable all the time. It really makes me not like myself (something I already deal with quite heavily at times.)

You know what? Hay fever is shit, I am more anxious than ever, and I can't be bothered to do anything. I checked pollen levels for the next few days and the only fucking respite is tomorrow when it goes down from very high to just high. Woop de fucking doo.

I had to have my cat put down today. My cat's been my buddy throughout my depression. He's listened to my problems without passing judgement. He always knew when I needed comfort and would come and cuddle up next to me, despite being an otherwise independent little guy. At one point he'd been breathing a little heavily and putting on extra weight. After a trip to the vet we found out that it wasn't fat, it was fluid, and was on his lungs and his heart. He also had a heart murmur+disease. There was nothing they could do for him. He was in constant pain, had stopped eating, and couldn't even climb into his litter tray any more, so it was the kinder thing to do, but still, I feel so... lost. I've lost my best friend. It hurts so much.

well after getting stood up again by some girl at work (fool me once, shame on you ect) i met some other girl whos cool and chill as fuck. Shes working out to get in shape and i really want to join in. Can't wait to see how this goes.

Well whaddaya know! The person I was going to ask for a few hours to talk to (my girlfriend of whatever would be the most approppriate title's cousin) managed contact me first. A person whom I thought about as being level-headed and understanding was totally so. So she asked me for my input on the occasion. I just made a huge wall of text about what lead up to that, facing my own problems, the crippling shame, guilt and depression brought by the event. Eventually pleading for the help of their group to not be consumed by this guilt. And emphasized in the end that I cannot even put it in words how badly I need their help. Though I did make a neato ending for that wall of text: "I'm crying and my chest hurts, I'm going out for a smoke", because my chest was stinging a bit and I my heartbeat was so rapid that it was almost like a heart-attack. Then added another bit about how text leaves out body language: "Text leaves out body-language. Anyone can write beautiful words, but you can't see how the other one's eyes are wetting, lips are twitching, body trembling and feeling how their wrists artery is beating like a heart-attack is going on".

I can't believe that I'm actually considering committing suicide. I'm not sure I will, I probably won't, but living hurts so bad. I'm a fucking wreck, I make my bf miserable probably, and I just... hate myself so much. I feel fucking horrible for all the trouble I cause everyone.

[QUOTE=magicactus;48069494]I can't believe that I'm actually considering committing suicide. I'm not sure I will, I probably won't, but living hurts so bad. I'm a fucking wreck, I make my bf miserable probably, and I just... hate myself so much. I feel fucking horrible for all the trouble I cause everyone.[/QUOTE] It hurts him to see you in such pain, that I know. But dying will only make the suffering you perceive as making others feel come true. Your boyfriend loves you and other people quite surely do too. Depression just makes it nigh-impossible to see. But there is a reason for why they love you, trust me.

I had a terrible night last night. when I tried to sleep, I heard voices, had hallucinations, etc. it was so hard to sleep. whenever I closed my eyes, I'd see my macbook in my lap with the brightest setting on. when I opened my eyes, it was naturally gone. I heard my sister yell things (in my head only, she never yelled). it was absolutely horrible. I've never experienced hearing voices despite being schizophrenic, so this is a first for me.

[QUOTE=Sunday_Roast;48070357]It hurts him to see you in such pain, that I know. But dying will only make the suffering you perceive as making others feel come true. Your boyfriend loves you and other people quite surely do too. Depression just makes it nigh-impossible to see. But there is a reason for why they love you, trust me.[/QUOTE] Thank you, what you said makes quite a bit of sense. I think I'll actually stick around :') On that note, I feel a little better this morning, my feelings tend to go downhill mainly during the night.

[QUOTE=magicactus;48072613]Thank you, what you said makes quite a bit of sense. I think I'll actually stick around :') On that note, I feel a little better this morning, my feelings tend to go downhill mainly during the night.[/QUOTE] Seems common for nighttime to open up the floodgates for bad thoughts. Quite early this year I was drinking myself stupid before bed every night just to drown out my self-loating. Your feelings reminded me a lot about my girlfriend. I had a long chat with my girlfriends cousin today, which gave me a lot of hope for the upcoming. I even dropped small suggestions about if a third party would help kick starting a long conversation with my girlfriend(or what else to call her) that has been overdue for two weeks. The cousin hasn't apparently gotten the clearest image over why we broke up. But the problem was that it stemmed clearly out of my girlfriends low self-worth and depression. Well it seems that there is nothing for me but using the emotions that I've been transposing to words every night for the past week, once the time comes. And they're meeting up in two days :O The talking with her cousin sure helped as I finally have a resting heartbeat. Something which I haven't had for two weeks.

I had my first counselling session today. It was not as painful as I thought it would be.

I fuck up every chance I get, and I'm sure that the lives of all the people who have put up with me would be greatly enhanced by me no longer existing.

[QUOTE=Fulsam;48080841]I fuck up every chance I get, and I'm sure that the lives of all the people who have put up with me would be greatly enhanced by me no longer existing.[/QUOTE] I'm pretty sure that the second part of your post isn't true. What I've learned from life is that those people that actually make the people around them have to put up with a lot of shit are oblivious to it. Friendships have their ups and downs and true friends do not mind keeping to their friends in times of trouble. Quite the contrary; it makes the bonds stronger. If you feel like you are fucking up, then I suggest you examine why you feel like you're fucking up and what you could do to change it.

If my actual life was a painting canvas, it'd be mostly gray. not a light or dark gray but a normal gray. No idea what to do with my life. Either job or activities, I do not feel like doing anything most of the time. Playing less and less video games, stopped programing and now I just go on youtube, reddit or netflix to spend time. I have my ups and downs, I get easily emotional, I have NO ONE to talk to, except for my parents. Can't even talk to my brother. And you probably guessed it, Never had a girlfriend. Also, I'm really pale. But here's why it is a normal gray: I never wanted to commit suicide. I feel kind of normal when I see other people even though I have leukemia (10th year this year and the doctor said I will (maybe) FINALLY stop taking my medicines! So that's a plus.) because I feel like solitude is maybe my way of life. As I said, never had any love relationship, so I'm not sure. Also, I've been trying to immediately change my negative thoughts into postive ones right when I have them. It kinda works. I know I have to add colors on my painting; but this gray, this fucking gray is always re-covering my small colorful parts.

Middle school's done, so I won't be able to see my first love again, and that makes me really fucking sad. She's basically the reason I've been depressed for three years now, so maybe this departure is a good thing. The thought that I'm not good enough for her made me want to kill myself She's also the reason I've been cutting for the past two-three months I'll miss her, but maybe I shouldn't

i'm that special kind of person who knows all his downsides, problems etc and knows how to deal with them, but doesn't do dick about them like, i wish i was dumb and didn't care about all this shit great

[QUOTE=Paranoia10;48089259]Middle school's done, so I won't be able to see my first love again, and that makes me really fucking sad. She's basically the reason I've been depressed for three years now, so maybe this departure is a good thing. The thought that I'm not good enough for her made me want to kill myself She's also the reason I've been cutting for the past two-three months I'll miss her, but maybe I shouldn't[/QUOTE] You're in middle school so you lack a lot of the emotional context and relativity that comes from experience. Let go of the notions of finding the one, there are plenty of people out there to love and if you dwell forever on one you'll miss opportunities elsewhere. There are people you are likely to have a proclivity for and not for love with, but "the one" or "the best" is a daft thought. And don't start with the not good enough bullshit, you are good enough and if you want to make yourself better self improvement is a smart path that can make you appear, act, and be better and makes you [U][I]feel[/I][/U] better to boot. So no, you shouldn't miss her. I did the same thing in middle school with a girl and then in highschool I wonder if I missed chances. You'll find yourself changing loads in the next few years as well, so just ride along. I'm only 19 though so it's the blind leading the blind innit? [editline]30th June 2015[/editline] [QUOTE=damnatus;48089498]i'm that special kind of person who knows all his downsides, problems etc and knows how to deal with them, but doesn't do dick about them like, i wish i was dumb and didn't care about all this shit great[/QUOTE] No one says you have to go balls deep in improving yourself or fixing these problems. Small changes can snowball into big ones. One of my problems has always been interrupting people since I feel I have to share my thoughts in conversation- so for a while now I've been actively trying to get better at doing that alone. It's something small but focusing on everything at once is too hard. Just find some wee improvement and try to work on it in some way. And as you fix things just run down the list and bam you've gotten better at a ton of small things for a large net gain :D [editline]30th June 2015[/editline] [QUOTE=Shadow45;48088578]If my actual life was a painting canvas, it'd be mostly gray. not a light or dark gray but a normal gray. No idea what to do with my life. Either job or activities, I do not feel like doing anything most of the time. Playing less and less video games, stopped programing and now I just go on youtube, reddit or netflix to spend time. I have my ups and downs, I get easily emotional, I have NO ONE to talk to, except for my parents. Can't even talk to my brother. And you probably guessed it, Never had a girlfriend. Also, I'm really pale. But here's why it is a normal gray: I never wanted to commit suicide. I feel kind of normal when I see other people even though I have leukemia (10th year this year and the doctor said I will (maybe) FINALLY stop taking my medicines! So that's a plus.) because I feel like solitude is maybe my way of life. As I said, never had any love relationship, so I'm not sure. Also, I've been trying to immediately change my negative thoughts into postive ones right when I have them. It kinda works. I know I have to add colors on my painting; but this gray, this fucking gray is always re-covering my small colorful parts.[/QUOTE] Sorry to hear about the leukemia, that's pretty fucking tough. The good news is how good we are at fighting leukemia in young people nowadays, and you're young enough that you will recover fully and have stellar chances of living a full life. Notice I said full, not happy. Life isn't always sunshine rainbows and hug boxes. You know this. A lot of life is honestly mediocre at times. But it is those highs and lows that add contrast. You're painting seems grey because you are young and going through some tough stuff. If your life is a canvas, you're painting on just a tiny bleeding corner of it. Suicide doesn't even leave you the chance to finish the painting or see what it ends up being, and that's the biggest tragedy of it all. When it comes to depression and suicidal thoughts there is no panacea or instant cure and it will be something you fight for your entire life, in many cases. These darks and hues only make the good times brighter though and there are people and professionals to get you through them. So keep on trucking and hope to get out of hell before the devil even knows you're there. You are not locked into your fate and you can add splashes of color and contrast to your life. You've come this far and fought a lot, please don't quit.

drinking is a really bad way to deal with depression or anxiety because it will have a "rebound" effect as soon as you stop that can potentially make things worse.