Depression, anxiety, suicidalism and similar disorders, issues and troubles V3 - Discussion, help an - General

[QUOTE=~Kiwi~v2;48434448]damn man that fucking sucks anything you can do about it?[/QUOTE] Not formally; I turned up positive for antibodies of a [I]previous[/I] infection (which show up for the rest of your life) but not active infection. Most likely though, that's because I recently went overboard with my current antimicrobal treatment to stop my eye pain and it's suppressing the active toxoplasmosis throughout my body, plus I'm also still taking anti-inflamatories to help my eye pain as well and that could also be stopping my immune system from creating antibodies for any possible active infection. My doctor didn't seem to handle it well at all though, she pretty much said "oh yeah you had a previous infection but it's gone now, bye." But that doesn't explain why I'm still having eye pain and concentration problems. So I'm planning on getting my eye looked at for any signs of it, to see if they're hiding in there (since the eye is immune privileged). In the meantime though I'm going nuclear with my treatment (as much as I can) by getting myself some Artemisinin, which is an antimalarial herb which is also fairly decent at dealing with toxoplasmosis too. Outside of that there's not much I can do. The blood test answered some questions but is still leaving others. But at least I know that it was the cause of my encephalitis.

[QUOTE=AtomicSans;48433423]I hate my voice I sound like I'm fucking 10[/QUOTE] Practice talking lower, sounds simple but there's more to it. First of all learn to breathe with your stomach and not with your chest, takes a while to learn. Then learn to feel the vibration of your voice deep in your body, learn to enjoy that vibration. Try to make the vibration go lower, down to your belly. Feel your body when you breathe and when you speak. A high voice can often come from being up in your head.

Depression as we all know, suck balls. But for me it's the aftermath that sucks so much. I have no energy, social events that usually made me cheer up/give me energy now tire me out extremely. After so much thinking I realized that I threw away most of my ambitions and goals and have nothing to guide my life at the moment. Sure, I was arrogant before but it helped guiding me and giving me motivation, right now I can barely muster any motivation to do anything. The thing is, I'm out of it I think, but all this time that I've got to think hasn't helped at all. I still get anxiety from living off my mom(not living home, which makes this even more absurd), and every time we have a fight, it just gets worse. Now I've been almost a week without food(4½ days) since I literally have no income. Trying to find a job but no avail, was going to meet my job coach/not sure how to translate it but she went on semester last week, I asked for an replacement since I wanted to get some income/get help to finding jobs and got the answer "That's not how it works". I've recently had a real fight with my mother, got me so scared that I fought she would disown me. I got no money and no food, can't ask her for anything at the moment. And I'm the kind of person (just like my mother) who gets super affected by hunger, and been constantly and still is irritated all the time, I almost let it go out on my best friend which made me feel even worse. My father is in the hospital and making me worried. But in the end all my worries seem so small compared to the ones here, especially on this page. Parents dying hit me even harder now when I'm fighting with my mom and dad's at the hospital. Sorry, I just needed to vent and I'd rather post it here than spam my friends with it.

I would like someone with depression to explain something to me. Do you feel remorse after your episodes for what you do to people? I'm starting to get real tired of all the crap I trudge through. I sacrifice so much and constantly get treated like crap. It's only getting worse. Why should I put up with this? "my wife is still in there? " I don't think she ever was Happy. She admitted today that she's always had depression issues. That made me feel like she lied. That she played a part to trap me into marriage. To trick me into having a kid with her. Why should I keep fighting? 2 years and it just gets worse. Why keep going

[QUOTE=IAmAnooB;48438918]Depression as we all know, suck balls. But for me it's the aftermath that sucks so much. I have no energy, social events that usually made me cheer up/give me energy now tire me out extremely. After so much thinking I realized that I threw away most of my ambitions and goals and have nothing to guide my life at the moment. Sure, I was arrogant before but it helped guiding me and giving me motivation, right now I can barely muster any motivation to do anything. The thing is, I'm out of it I think, but all this time that I've got to think hasn't helped at all. I still get anxiety from living off my mom(not living home, which makes this even more absurd), and every time we have a fight, it just gets worse. Now I've been almost a week without food(4½ days) since I literally have no income. Trying to find a job but no avail, was going to meet my job coach/not sure how to translate it but she went on semester last week, I asked for an replacement since I wanted to get some income/get help to finding jobs and got the answer "That's not how it works". I've recently had a real fight with my mother, got me so scared that I fought she would disown me. I got no money and no food, can't ask her for anything at the moment. And I'm the kind of person (just like my mother) who gets super affected by hunger, and been constantly and still is irritated all the time, I almost let it go out on my best friend which made me feel even worse. My father is in the hospital and making me worried. But in the end all my worries seem so small compared to the ones here, especially on this page. Parents dying hit me even harder now when I'm fighting with my mom and dad's at the hospital. Sorry, I just needed to vent and I'd rather post it here than spam my friends with it.[/QUOTE] would it be possible to get some support from the government? I don't know how it is in Sweden, nor do I know how it works fully here either, but I'd imagine you could get some sort of support if you live by yourself and have no income

[QUOTE=D0C H.;48440131]I would like someone with depression to explain something to me. Do you feel remorse after your episodes for what you do to people? I'm starting to get real tired of all the crap I trudge through. I sacrifice so much and constantly get treated like crap. It's only getting worse. Why should I put up with this? "my wife is still in there? " I don't think she ever was Happy. She admitted today that she's always had depression issues. That made me feel like she lied. That she played a part to trap me into marriage. To trick me into having a kid with her. Why should I keep fighting? 2 years and it just gets worse. Why keep going[/QUOTE] It's quite difficult to explain. How depression is for each person isn't similar. While anger is very common; it tends to be internalized. A disproportionate surge of anger directed towards one self. And when something bad is done to someone else; the remorse and guilt become a cloud, feeding into the circle of self-hate. This is based on my personal account. But to me it seems like abuse during childhood and depression create a state of mind where that anger towards oneself also gets directed outwards. I'd imagine it too then creates an evil circle that feeds into the self-hate, which then gets pent up to the point of the surge, where it leaks outwards yet again. Feeding the circle. Basing this of a friend I had a thing going on with in January. She was abused both emotionally and physically by her mother as a child. Her breakup with her ex was a violent one. And then after I spent a few days together in her presence; she started hating me too. I was fortunate enough to only face the silent type of hate. But I pulled a dickhead move and found out exactly what she thought of me. She hated me for non-issues. Things that could have been averted simply by asking. It felt obvious that this hate was fed by her own remorse and desire to get back with her ex. I'd imagine that your wife has truly had those happy times. Depression isn't a constant. It tends to flip-flop a lot. Now to ask you: Have you considered finding and attending a support group for people with depressed companions? Also a vid I'd recommend: -> [url]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2VRRx7Mtep8&ab_channel=WorldHealthOrganization(WHO)[/url]

We went to TRY and get help after she actually attempted suicide. Here we are a MONTH almost and 2 "consultations" later. And we're no closer to getting any real help. Makes me hate the state. "if she attempted it, we'll get her help right away! " bunch of bull crap. [editline]11th August 2015[/editline] Ive considered writing a journal of all the things I do for this family and for her. For her two daughters. Not out of an ego trip. But so I can see what ive done from a distance. I don't want a parade or even a public thank you. Just a small kiss and a sincere thank you from my wife is all I want. And for her to mean it. She doesn't even realize what I do.

anyone have any advice on how to get out of your own head? I feel like i could enjoy life a lot more if I wasn't constantly asking myself if i'm really happy, what makes me really happy, whether I'll ever experience [I]true[/I] happiness, whether i already have and just missed it, if i've already peaked, maybe this is as good as it gets, etc etc. related note, i used to be able to smoke a bowl and just feel like everything was all right and just enjoy it. now, whenever i smoke i get wayyyy too in my head about it, analyzing how much fun i'm having etc. to the point where it's not even enjoyable which sucks. a lot of the things i was passionate about in high school (biking, cars, traveling, even weed) just don't impress me like they used to. am i just changing? maybe i should just move on? or am i just overthinking it? i feel stuck overanalyzing myself.

Before I start. I have gone to therapy in multiple moments and so far I haven't been diagnosed with anything serious, the only thing I have been told by my current therapist is that I have problems controlling my impulses, I'm a way too impulsive person. When I get angry it's like a drug. It feels bad because "damn, I'm angry" but it feels good somehow, my heart starts pumping and a rush of adrenaline seems to go through my whole body, my mind gets so hooked up into the effect, it goes into a full defensive state. I have experiences with it. When I was a kid my mother would discipline me physically every time I did something wrong like breaking a glass, swearing, forgetting something or not acting like she wanted, I won't lie, it made me feel scared of her, every time I knew I did something wrong the first thing I could thing was "I'm gonna get hurt". Whenever I went to school, when other kids tried to pick on me I felt like I had enough, I have been always a good student but I had a very short temper. I would defend myself and then I would get in trouble for it. My mother hated when I went violent, she even thought about disowning me (no joke, probably the worst talk I had when I was 7 years old). I would throw objects, kick doors, push other kids. (only those who insulted me) and sometimes use stuff as weapons. If didn't want to have problems with my parents, I had to learn to keep my mouth shut and my hands close. No more violence and fights. But that wasn't healthy, it actually turned me for worse as I started to get deppressed and frustrated. But I had to keep my parents okay. Whenever I remember all the stuff I did, I feel like wishing I could just get killed. Like I wish one day a group of people would break into my house, put me on a wall and execute me. I remember all the shit I did to my parents. Even while I'm currently starting college and I'm doing good so far, I just feel like a trainwreck, like a miserable, I just want to get killed. My friends treat me like shit, never been in a relationship and my friends kinda mock me because of that (I personally think it's fucking retarded to make fun of someone for not having a partner, but whatever), I'm good at school but not the best and that makes me feel like I will never be good at anything, I feel so useless, I have made a lot of mistakes and I'm not even 18. I don't smoke, I don't drink nor done anything illegal. When I arrive at home I always feel like I'm doing everything wrong. My brother scolds me for something, my mother scolds me for something and my father just wants me to fail at college so he doesn't have to keep supporting me anymore and he can go and fuck his 5th girlfriend or something. College for me is somewhat paying by itself, I got an scholarship for doing good at the admission test but it's only for the 1st semester. At home it's nothing but doing things wrong. "Hey mom today I sa-" "Have you already checked X? I don't have money to pay for it". "You left the fan turned on, how many fucking times I have told you that it consumes way too much electricity and I don't have money to pay? Fuck" I call my brother "Hey, what's up?" "Hi, hey, there's an event tomorrow at 4:00 for XZY to get another scholarship" "But, tomorrow I leave at 12 and I'm not an XZY Student" "Go anyways, maybe they will give you something" (They never give shit for free). "Have you already checked this class?" "What about books I told you about?" "WHY DID YOU FORGET TO MAKE THE PAYMENT, I TOLD YOU PAST WEEK" "You better be learning german, stop wasting fucking time". I always do everything wrong and even when I think "My day is doing good, I'm doing things right", boom, everything goes wrong. It feels like shit. I know I shouldn't be looking for approval but it fucking sucks when nobody, in your whole life, has ever complimented you for doing something right, all my fucking life as been nothing but being yelled at or being told I'm wrong. I can't fail at college. I have nothing to fall back on. I don't have money, I can barely afford the books, I'm standing on nothing but an scholarship and it does get hard at times. I'm taking every opportunity I have and sometimes it means staying up all day at the faculty, going from one place to another and it can get exhausting. Can't pay for college, I look bad, I'm smart but not smart enough, get constantly yelled at home for everything, my friends treat me like shit, my father just wants to see me fail, people don't like me and I have problems controlling my impulses. Worst part is that there's probably more and shit will get worse. I don't want to kill myself because that feels like surrendering and I don't like surrendering. It would be like putting my hands up and accepting that the people won. Honestly, I'd rather die trying to get somewhere than spend all my life in what? Surrounded by a bunch of people who probably don't care about me but are the only friends I have? Stuck forever in a city where there's obviously no respect for people like me? Other people probably have things like caring friends, stable families, shit that makes them look good, but I got nothing and well, if I want to have something I need to do something and being dead makes me completely useless. If I stay alive, maybe eventually I will find a way to change my life and then it won't suck (too much).

[QUOTE=D0C H.;48440131]I would like someone with depression to explain something to me. Do you feel remorse after your episodes for what you do to people? I'm starting to get real tired of all the crap I trudge through. I sacrifice so much and constantly get treated like crap. It's only getting worse. Why should I put up with this? "my wife is still in there? " I don't think she ever was Happy. She admitted today that she's always had depression issues. That made me feel like she lied. That she played a part to trap me into marriage. To trick me into having a kid with her. Why should I keep fighting? 2 years and it just gets worse. Why keep going[/QUOTE] I think I have a few things to say here. I don't think your wife necessarily lied to you, and I think that belief might be causing your relationship a lot of pain. People change and mental illness changes. Just because she might have had depression in the past does not mean it was ever like it is now. Also, to say she "trapped [you] into marriage" takes any responsibility, accountability and power away from you. You both chose to enter into marriage with each other. AND as time goes on, neither one of you is the same person anymore. Lastly, you have to answer your final question yourself. I know it was probably rhetorical, but there is nobody in the entire world except for you who can answer that question. [editline]11th August 2015[/editline] [QUOTE=D0C H.;48441611]I don't want a parade or even a public thank you. Just a small kiss and a sincere thank you from my wife is all I want. And for her to mean it. She doesn't even realize what I do.[/QUOTE] Have you told her this?

You're right. She didn't trap me maliciously. But it does cause our relationship a lot of pain. Everything she's doing lately causes us a lot of pain. I don't want to feel that way. And no...... All I'll get is a lazy one word "sorry" if she's having a good day. Or a "why is it always about you?" if she's having a "bad" day. Or as I call them Now a normal Day.

[QUOTE=D0C H.;48442325]All I'll get is a lazy one word "sorry" if she's having a good day. Or a "why is it always about you?" if she's having a "bad" day. Or as I call them Now a normal Day.[/QUOTE] That is an assumption. In reality, you do not know what will happen until you try.

You're right. I know I should.

I managed to piss someone that I really like off. She told me to go fuck myself and then ranted about what I've done wrong. Everything she said is true, and it was good I got to hear it like that, but it hurts a lot and what little self-esteem I had left is gone. My life is barely a life and I'm an idiot who doesn't know how to be an adult. When things like this happen to me, I don't know what to do or where to go, I think about who I am and my life and find no qualities, no achievements, nothing that is working out for me that I can focus on to help me forget. I just bottle it up and concentrate on acting sane for the people around me. I've told myself over and over that suicide is not an option, and I stick to that, but as time goes by with everything staying the same for me, it gets harder and harder to stay on track and I wonder how close I am to breaking. I don't know, and I'm afraid I won't be able to tell when it happens and it will be too late. I saw my doctor and he prescribed a second antidepressant, mirtazapine which I've been taking for about a week now in addition to the sertraline Ive been on for a couple of months. I've taken mirtazapine on its own before and found no noticable differences in my mood and overall well-being. I need to see a therapist but I'm on the waiting list, been for a while, and at minimum I'm gonna have to wait a little over a month to see one. I don't understand what's wrong with me, I don't know who I am or what I'm doing, the social and psychological pressure is getting too heavy to resist. I'm getting desperate and I think I'm gonna end up doing something very stupid soon.

If you want to be good at something you like doing, such drawing, but you never get any better at it no matter how much you practice it. Where does the problem lay?

In the fact that you stop trying. People practice for literal decades to get good at art.

[QUOTE=RoboChimp;48444672]If you want to be good at something you like doing, such drawing, but you never get any better at it no matter how much you practice it. Where does the problem lay?[/QUOTE] Expectations. You'll probably never be as good as you want to be, and for some people not being good enough is a motivation and for some people it may not be but it's something they've been doing since they were kids so it's just part of their lives. In either case, you just gotta keep practicing and one day you're look back at how you were now and realize you've actually become a lot better, but that's not a 24/7 mentality, for most of the time you're not gonna feel good enough. I think this is especially true if it's something creative and abstract you're practicing like art or music. Try to make whatever you're doing part of your daily life, a routine or something you just do everyday or so without really thinking about it.

[QUOTE=MrJazzy;48444464]I'm getting desperate and I think I'm gonna end up doing something very stupid soon.[/QUOTE] Please don't.

I feel really beat up regarding my weight. I want to do something about it but I lack the energy to get anything done. all I feel like doing is sitting on my ass and eating more which makes matters even worse. I eat to cope and I eat when I don't have anything to do. I've been thinking about starting to throw food up again after eating so I can eat and still not gain weight. my self esteem is absolutely gone, I feel really fat and ugly. I used to at least like my face, but it feels all bloated and ugly now. I've gained so much weight in such a short time span. even worse is that I'm growing an acceptance of it since I feel losing it is impossible which I end up using as an excuse to eat even more. I don't know what to do in general either, how am I supposed to get better? I miss old me before my schizophrenia hit like a truck. my social anxiety has gotten a lot worse lately as well, I don't leave my house or exit a car anymore. I feel so ugly, I don't want others to see me. [editline]12th August 2015[/editline] on another side, I know that people most likely don't give a shit about my looks or me in general anyway unless they know me, but I still can't get myself to fully believe that.

Let me start by saying, you can do it! You CAN fix what you don't like. Now the question is how? Well, hardest part is getting started. Do you have access to a gym? I pay $10 a month at mine.

[QUOTE=D0C H.;48447230]Let me start by saying, you can do it! You CAN fix what you don't like. Now the question is how? Well, hardest part is getting started. Do you have access to a gym? I pay $10 a month at mine.[/QUOTE] it's definitely possible, but right now I'm not sure if I'm in the state to actually pull through with it. I feel like I should start with something else to improve my energy levels and willpower, the question is what that could be. it could be exercising, I don't know. I'm a little scared of going to the gym, not a big fan of doing stuff in front of others and I'm scared of meeting others I know from the past. then there's also needing the willpower to pull through with exercising. I've tried in the past but haven't had enough motivation to keep going with it. I feel like I'm just making excuses to avoid going to the gym, since gotta be honest, it's not exactly the most attractive thing to do. I want the results, but not the journey to it. for all I know exercising could be the way to getting better since my weight is a massive burden for me. it's a little hard to get started with it though as my illness is really draining me of energy. I should probably mention this to my shrink as well, I haven't been very talkative with her lately due to me being sick of going there

How about buying a pair of dumbbells? There is a whole a varied lot of exercises that can be performed with them. Once you got them around your home; they're a lot easier to pick up at any given time. Compared to having to go to the gym to do any lifting. If motivation is hard to come by you can try setting up an alarm to give a whistle for when to do a small spurt of lifting every now and then. It does add up and make a surprising difference. I have been neglecting my dumbbells way too much lately. But despite two months of almost total physical inactivity I was able to do chin-ups yesterday. Which reminds me: if you have a door-frame that can support a chin-up bar then go for it. It takes a while to get to that point of finally getting your first chin-up, but it feels amazing to finally get there. And there's also that same convenience of it being around the house. When it can be given a go when passing by.

You are making excuses. You know there's nothing real stopping you from going. So do it. Don't worry about willpower right now. Concentrate on starting. That's whats most important Right now. Everybody at the gym is concerned with how THEY look. I'm "fit" build, and when I see heavy people at the gym, they inspire me! No kidding. Here's the thing. Get started and the ball will start rolling. You can do it man!

[QUOTE=Sunday_Roast;48447319]How about buying a pair of dumbbells? There is a whole a varied lot of exercises that can be performed with them. Once you got them around your home; they're a lot easier to pick up at any given time. Compared to having to go to the gym to do any lifting. If motivation is hard to come by you can try setting up an alarm to give a whistle for when to do a small spurt of lifting every now and then. It does add up and make a surprising difference. I have been neglecting my dumbbells way too much lately. But despite two months of almost total physical inactivity I was able to do chin-ups yesterday. Which reminds me: if you have a door-frame that can support a chin-up bar then go for it. It takes a while to get to that point of finally getting your first chin-up, but it feels amazing to finally get there. And there's also that same convenience of it being around the house. When it can be given a go when passing by.[/QUOTE] dumbbells sounds like a great idea, but I think I should go for more cardio as I want to lose weight, not build muscle (at least not yet). not sure if its possible to do both at the same time? [QUOTE=D0C H.;48447343]You are making excuses. You know there's nothing real stopping you from going. So do it. Don't worry about willpower right now. Concentrate on starting. That's whats most important Right now. Everybody at the gym is concerned with how THEY look. I'm "fit" build, and when I see heavy people at the gym, they inspire me! No kidding. Here's the thing. Get started and the ball will start rolling. You can do it man![/QUOTE] yeah, there's not really anything stopping me from going. I think I'll speak with my doctor about the exercise thing first so I have a plan to follow, then I'll look into finding a gym to go to

[QUOTE=PredGD;48447374]dumbbells sounds like a great idea, but I think I should go for more cardio as I want to lose weight, not build muscle (at least not yet). not sure if its possible to do both at the same time? [/QUOTE] If you do both, then you won't lose weight as much. As body-fat will go towards building muscle too. And developed muscles burn more fat in return.

There ya go. A plan is a good idea. It'll really help with keeping yourself motivated. Set goals for yourself. And plan rewards for meeting them! Maybe your favorite snack? Or treat yourself to a movie at the cinema. Etc. I recommend starting with your focus on cardio. Especially if weight loss is your goal. Then when you reach your target weight, start mixing in strength training too.

[QUOTE=MrJazzy;48444464]I managed to piss someone that I really like off. She told me to go fuck myself and then ranted about what I've done wrong. Everything she said is true, and it was good I got to hear it like that, but it hurts a lot and what little self-esteem I had left is gone. My life is barely a life and I'm an idiot who doesn't know how to be an adult. When things like this happen to me, I don't know what to do or where to go, I think about who I am and my life and find no qualities, no achievements, nothing that is working out for me that I can focus on to help me forget. I just bottle it up and concentrate on acting sane for the people around me. I've told myself over and over that suicide is not an option, and I stick to that, but as time goes by with everything staying the same for me, it gets harder and harder to stay on track and I wonder how close I am to breaking. I don't know, and I'm afraid I won't be able to tell when it happens and it will be too late. I saw my doctor and he prescribed a second antidepressant, mirtazapine which I've been taking for about a week now in addition to the sertraline Ive been on for a couple of months. I've taken mirtazapine on its own before and found no noticable differences in my mood and overall well-being. I need to see a therapist but I'm on the waiting list, been for a while, and at minimum I'm gonna have to wait a little over a month to see one. I don't understand what's wrong with me, I don't know who I am or what I'm doing, the social and psychological pressure is getting too heavy to resist. I'm getting desperate and I think I'm gonna end up doing something very stupid soon.[/QUOTE] I had that realization a few months ago. Figured I had nothing to my name but my college degree that really means nothing today. Decided to stop waiting for something to smack me in the face and do things for myself. Started reading up on neuropsychology, a field I'm super interested in, in order to further myself rather than wait for something to hit me. I also got into close-up magic because who gives a shit. Sure I'm like...26 or whatever, but fuck it. Life is too long to wait. I know how you feel, about the bottling-up part. I still do it, but its not something I recommend. It'll eat you from the inside-out. Dunno much about the medication part, that's an issue I won't discuss. Too many biases. However, I have found that using my phone to make a sorta video diary (face down, of course. I ain't lookin' at my stupid mug while I talk) helps out a little. To get all the frustration you have onto a piece of tech that will listen and not berate you for what you say. You don't have to listen to it or anything, just talk to it. I'd advise giving that a shot and see if it takes some pressure off your chest. I'm not a licensed therapist or psychiatrist, I can only suggest and advise. also you're beautiful have a fantastic day <3

My University's Student Services phoned me up yesterday leaving a message about what my plans are for returning back into the fray. I shouldn't feel bad for what is a simple information inquiry, but it just makes me feel like I'm still a failure for them having to ask for me about my situation. :/

[QUOTE=MrJazzy;48444783]Expectations. You'll probably never be as good as you want to be, and for some people not being good enough is a motivation and for some people it may not be but it's something they've been doing since they were kids so it's just part of their lives. In either case, you just gotta keep practicing and one day you're look back at how you were now and realize you've actually become a lot better, but that's not a 24/7 mentality, for most of the time you're not gonna feel good enough. I think this is especially true if it's something creative and abstract you're practicing like art or music. Try to make whatever you're doing part of your daily life, a routine or something you just do everyday or so without really thinking about it.[/QUOTE]I was hoping someone would say something like that. The thought that you can work really hard at something and not improve scares me.

[QUOTE=RoboChimp;48449614]I was hoping someone would say something like that. The thought that you can work really hard at something and not improve scares me.[/QUOTE] I don't think it's possible to work really hard on something and not improve, it's just hard not to feel like the results don't equal the amount of work put in.