Depression, anxiety, suicidalism and similar disorders, issues and troubles V3 - Discussion, help an - General

What other options do I have?

Even if you have to travel to find help, it's worth it. Your life is always worth it. Why do you want to not continue?

Because I hate myself and it hurts so much and I want it to be over. The reason I'm alive is because people would be sad if I was dead but eh, fuck them. They don't care about me while I'm alive.

to add onto my previous post, now that I've settled in and gotten to relax some after my biking trip, I feel great! I'm now actually looking forward to biking again tomorrow. it doesn't feel great during it, but it feels really great after. I feel like I'm straying a little off topic of what the thread is about, but are there any good alternatives to the Fitbit watches or are the Fitbits great?

I miss my mom. It's only been a few months since she passed but it feels like an eternity. I want to join her. I'm so lonely. I wish I wasn't such a momma's boy before, but I was. It's just been me alone in the house the past months and it's so cold and empty. I miss her warmth and liveliness. I wish I got to at least say goodbye to her or spent more time with her, but she just vanished away from me. I wish I had a father or any siblings at least to share the pain but it's all just me.

[QUOTE=AtomicSans;48459139]Because I hate myself and it hurts so much and I want it to be over. The reason I'm alive is because people would be sad if I was dead but eh, fuck them. They don't care about me while I'm alive.[/QUOTE] You might think so. But are you self-aware of how much depression distorts how you perceive yourself? How you perceive your situation? It goes to absurd degrees. If you imagine that the people around you wouldn't care about if you'd be gone; then what is stopping you from travelling to where help can be reached?

[QUOTE=Sunday_Roast;48459608]You might think so. But are you self-aware of how much depression distorts how you perceive yourself? How you perceive your situation? It goes to absurd degrees. If you imagine that the people around you wouldn't care about if you'd be gone; then what is stopping you from travelling to where help can be reached?[/QUOTE]I basically live in the bumfuck middle of nowhere. Also I'm poor as shit.

When you're dead, you're dead, things can't get better, for as long as you're alive there's a chance things will get better and I know it's hard to get through the suffering but the universe is such a vast thing and as far as we know, we're the only intelligent species in the solar system, maybe even the galaxy or even the universe. You have to tell yourself that life itself is worth contributing to, and you do contribute even in the smallest acts of selflessness. Even if you don't unite the world, or write a masterpiece, in relation to the universe and even our own history, such a feat is not much greater- if at all - than just being kind and try to do the best for those around you. If life feels pointless to you, know that it isn't to others.

[QUOTE=MrJazzy;48459703]When you're dead, you're dead, things can't get better, for as long as you're alive there's a chance things will get better and I know it's hard to get through the suffering but the universe is such a vast thing and as far as we know, we're the only intelligent species in the solar system, maybe even the galaxy or even the universe. You have to tell yourself that life itself is worth contributing to, and you do contribute even in the smallest acts of selflessness. Even if you don't unite the world, or write a masterpiece, in relation to the universe and even our own history, such a feat is not much greater- if at all - than just being kind and try to do the best for those around you. If life feels pointless to you, know that it isn't to others.[/QUOTE] this is why I never really consider suicide, at least not anymore. suicide feels like such a permanent solution to a temporary problem. things can and will get better, some people even simply just grows out of it at one point without needing to consciously do much about it. depending on your age, there's a big chance it'll eventually disappear by itself. when I was in my early/mid teens, I felt a lot worse about my situation despite being in a better condition than I am in now. your problems might not disappear by themselves, but how you perceive them might become a lot different.

I know that even despite having that mentality it's real fucking hard and it doesn't matter what your attitude is or what you know, at a certain point anybody would break, but when everything just feels like it sucks, you have to just hold on to that idea and not give up. I have gone through it before and I'm going through it right now and even though I'm not one to encourage blind faith, hope is good and even when it seems like nothing will work out, holding on to that hope is the right thing to do.

I find it really hard to be thankful for life since I can't really function in it and I ruin everything I touch. [editline]14th August 2015[/editline] fuck I forgot to eat today again.

I can't do things normal people do i am most likely going to be full time parasite until i die I just want someone to kill me in my sleep there are people with severe disabilities who function better than me. I think at some point in life I will internally explode and disappear from civilisation

I had a long talk with the girl I like, god damn it, we are so different yet we fit so well together its as if life put us in the wrong places at the wrong times. It feels better having talked, cause I feel like I got to really explain how I feel, and instead of just telling me to go fuck myself she told me how she feels and she understands me and I understand her and we now have a mutual understanding of how our situation is right now. It's not what I would have wished for it's just how life is butI don't feel like an insecure asshole about it anymore. I've been so caught up in myself all my life, and now that I find my life so entangled with someone elses, I understand how complicated romances can be.

I don't want to post this if it interrupts the other conversations here (plus its a tad off topic), but I'm struggling to decide on my own abilities about this. I've been trying to contemplate whether it would be better to not go back to university given I still do not feel as if I've recovered even remotely (the most I would classify as a recovery is I'm out of bed compared to being stuck in until midday), and instead replace it with an apprenticeship. My worry is that I don't know if I've got the manpower to adequately perform as an apprentice to a reasonable standard, and what my options should be. I'm also worrying that my age is becoming a factor in most apprenticeships (being 22), and that I might not be capable of doing an apprenticeship on that front either. Could also just be that I'm overthinking this and that is preventing me from taking a leap of faith.

[QUOTE=Alex Rider;48464574]I don't want to post this if it interrupts the other conversations here (plus its a tad off topic), but I'm struggling to decide on my own abilities about this. I've been trying to contemplate whether it would be better to not go back to university given I still do not feel as if I've recovered even remotely (the most I would classify as a recovery is I'm out of bed compared to being stuck in until midday), and instead replace it with an apprenticeship. My worry is that I don't know if I've got the manpower to adequately perform as an apprentice to a reasonable standard, and what my options should be. I'm also worrying that my age is becoming a factor in most apprenticeships (being 22), and that I might not be capable of doing an apprenticeship on that front either. Could also just be that I'm overthinking this and that is preventing me from taking a leap of faith.[/QUOTE] A friend of mine started an apprenticeship when he was 18 and I know people as old as 50 that have started one so your age shouldn't be that big of a factor.

[QUOTE=AtomicSans;48461379]I find it really hard to be thankful for life since I can't really function in it and I ruin everything I touch. [editline]14th August 2015[/editline] fuck I forgot to eat today again.[/QUOTE] [QUOTE=Leg of Doom;48461545]I can't do things normal people do i am most likely going to be full time parasite until i die I just want someone to kill me in my sleep there are people with severe disabilities who function better than me. I think at some point in life I will internally explode and disappear from civilisation[/QUOTE] Yeah the problem there is that people who tell you "hey life is worth it" Don't truly know how you feel at that moment even if they've gone through the same thing. There's not much I can say to you really. But I will say this; I think it's ok to hate yourself. Of course it aint good, but hey, we're human beings. Go on a walk.

[QUOTE=SilverBullet;48467666]Yeah the problem there is that people who tell you "hey life is worth it" Don't truly know how you feel at that moment even if they've gone through the same thing. There's not much I can say to you really. But I will say this; I think it's ok to hate yourself. Of course it aint good, but hey, we're human beings. Go on a walk.[/QUOTE] If you hate yourself, you should be analyzing what it is you hate about yourself and seeing if you can reasonably change it. Stopping at hating yourself is not dealing with the problem and not good for you, although I'd argue that it's closer to normal with most people. I think a lot of people reserve some qualms for themselves. I'd even go as far as to say that most people have thoughts that people would think is weird.

[QUOTE=wauterboi;48467802]If you hate yourself, you should be analyzing what it is you hate about yourself and seeing if you can reasonably change it. Stopping at hating yourself is not dealing with the problem and not good for you, although I'd argue that it's closer to normal with most people. I think a lot of people reserve some qualms for themselves. I'd even go as far as to say that most people have thoughts that people would think is weird.[/QUOTE] Yeah that should work in theory, but the emotional mind doesn't give a shit about any of that. Analyzing yourself while depressed usually just ends you up with more depression. Every logical thought you have in your head is twisted by your emotions, so you find a way to validate your feelings rationally. The reason I'm posting this is because I had an extreme burst of this terrible emotion today, thinking about it just made it much, much worse. I just let my mind wander and did my work, felt better. The way I see it, it's not what you hate about yourself that is the real problem. It's the fact that you hate yourself. The reason is usually an excuse more than anything, changing yourself In a way that alleviates the problem seems to go straight to the cause, but in reality, you cannot be perfect, so sooner or later you just have to stop finding reasons to hate yourself. Anorexia is actually a pretty good example of this, as the person will constantly delude themselves that they are fat when they are infact starving themselves terribly. The problem becomes even worse if you decide you hate the fact that you simply exist, so to fix the problem you decide killing yourself would be the best course of action. When you can't motivate yourself mentally, and nothing anyone else says makes any difference, it is best not to think. I believe people who desire death don't truly desire not to live, but they really desire to no longer think. I know this because many times in my life have I wanted to end "this", today just happened to be one of those days, luckily, I know myself enough to distract myself.

Venting is a good way to get the venom out.

[QUOTE=SilverBullet;48467869] I believe people who desire death don't truly desire not to live, but they really desire to no longer think. [/QUOTE] You're not far off. Most suicide attempts "fail" because the person in question chooses an ineffective method of suicide, either through sheer ignorance or a willful sabotage of their own suicide attempt (a cry for help).

I can vouch for what SilverBullet is saying - I'm very aware of how warped my outlook and attitude towards myself is, but trying to analyze it or really do anything about it myself is just digging a deeper hole. At this point I'm forced to avoid any type of introspection at all costs.

You can use other people to mediate your thoughts as well. I think I might be projecting a little, because I'll write thoughts down and look at them later and think what I wrote was crazy and not myself. But the way I try to look at it is either I'm going to think it out of me, or I'm going to let it all out and talk it out with someone. The other big thing is accepting that it's okay to fail. No one's keeping track but you!

The more I talk about my depression the more I create the identity of a person with depression, and the more of a depressed person I become due to my self concept. It gets even worse when other people, your friends and family, start seeing you as a depressed person; it further reinforces that idea in your head. That's why I avoid showing or talking about it to anyone. It may seem counterproductive but it really does make a difference. I understand that talking about your feelings can give you comfort, but comfort can only do so much. However, to express freely can be a great way to cure your depression, as I like to see EXpression as the opposite of DEpression. When I express I feel great, but I don't bother talking about depression. I put great value in shutting off the thoughts. Your depression is an idea propelled by the constant internal dialogue. To give yourself time in silence can be greatly healing. To calm the waters you can't keep stirring them up, you must leave them be.

The reason I do it is I'm trying to solve a problem in my head. Why do I think a certain way? What's bugging me? Why is that? What do I want? What can I do to change that? Is it reasonable? Is it within my control? I know people who are nothing more than their depression, and the difference between someone talking their problems out and those types of people is effort. I used to be friends with someone who would call women cunts and complain that they don't want to talk to him, and all he did is mope without taking advice. I have another friend who wants to feel better and talks about her problems, thinking things through, and tries to apply solutions. Regardless of whether they work or not, the effort is there. One person is looking to vent only, and another is trying to fix problems. I totally enjoy expressing myself and I totally enjoy others expressing themselves to me, because to me that's a great means for progress if you tackle it correctly.

[QUOTE=wauterboi;48469536]The reason I do it is I'm trying to solve a problem in my head. Why do I think a certain way? What's bugging me? Why is that? What do I want? What can I do to change that? Is it reasonable? Is it within my control? I know people who are nothing more than their depression, and the difference between someone talking their problems out and those types of people is effort. I used to be friends with someone who would call women cunts and complain that they don't want to talk to him, and all he did is mope without taking advice. I have another friend who wants to feel better and talks about her problems, thinking things through, and tries to apply solutions. Regardless of whether they work or not, the effort is there. One person is looking to vent only, and another is trying to fix problems. I totally enjoy expressing myself and I totally enjoy others expressing themselves to me, because to me that's a great means for progress if you tackle it correctly.[/QUOTE] Ok Im going to be a bit harsh here; Totally understand your way of thinking, but for many people, you have to admit, none of that works one bit. It can be pretty difficult socially. Especially if your a man, nobody wants to hear about your "boohoo my life sucks" story, people hate that. It makes you feel even more like a piece of shit that you have to come to somebody else for your problem that you should be dealing with on your own. Putting that negative shit on people can be pretty lose - lose for everybody, you'll walk away feeling even worse than you did before. Not only is it a negative topic but an extremely boring one at that. I value my friends and family too much to bother them with that crap. This situation is not much different when talking to yourself, asking yourself all these questions trying to "figure it out". For me it exasperates the issue. Thinking about depression while I'm depressed has no real use. So realistically, practically, I would rather deal with this in my own way. I get to decide how difficult the task, and I decide what success means to me. I learn to quiet my mind and be at peace with just "be"ing. It feels 1000 times better than talking to somebody who doesn't understand my situation in the slightest, or thinking about it in circles non stop. Talking to somebody about it feels like rubbing salt in the wound. Of course, that's not everyone's experience, but it is mine. Even talking about it the way I am now seems to make it more of a big deal.

[quote]nobody wants to hear about your "boohoo my life sucks" story, people hate that[/quote] Not true. I'm totally open with all of my friends, especially my older friends. I'd argue that my discussions is what is steering me away from doing anything crazy or getting especially depressed, and it's totally changed the way I look at things. Talking to people has helped me understand that I'm pretty normal in a lot of my actions. It totally depends on your tone though. There is a difference between whining and asking for help. I have found that there are people that will listen to me and talk to me when I am dealing with problems. It's also actually gotten me a lot closer to my best friends. [quote]Thinking about depression while I'm depressed has no real use.[/quote] I can admit this. I don't know how to describe what it's like for me, but I kind of crash-land into depression in a weird spiral and then immediately spike up into feeling incredible. [img]https://dl.dropboxusercontent.com/u/965202/Facepunch/depression.png[/img] When I'm on my way down, it's very hard to stop and I'd even argue it's probably the best that I don't stop it. Only when I have hit the bottom does the worst venom come out, and then I return to normal and regain the ability to think myself out of my mental trouble. [quote] I get to decide how difficult the task, and I decide what success means to me. I learn to quiet my mind and be at peace with just "be"ing. It feels 1000 times better than talking to somebody who doesn't understand my situation in the slightest, or thinking about it in circles non stop. Talking to somebody about it feels like rubbing salt in the wound. Of course, that's not everyone's experience, but it is mine. Even talking about it the way I am now seems to make it more of a big deal. [/quote] I try to exist within that free-floaty life-is-a-sandbox-with-no-defined-purpose lifestyle and I think it makes me happier. I also try not to exist within other people's definition of success. By many people's standards I, and my idols, could be defined as losers. It's not important to me. Part of me feels really down because I feel empathetic for people on the extreme side of the scale where help is impossible. I'm talking people like pedophiles, where there is no way they can be understood, or people with extreme disorders that make them think of doing ugly things. I wish I could figure out a way for them to ask for help and wish I could make people understand and want to help. It's not even a matter of psychology at that point though - it's a matter of society. In that sense, I could understand why people might opt out of not getting help or at the very least not asking for it. My best friend does not gain any sense of therapy when discussing anything with others because no one would understand him at a very basic level. But I can also understand why people maintain the false belief that they become burdens when they ask for help or try to talk things through.

At least I can find the humor in often wanting to kill myself, but being too scared to death to go through with it. Glad that overly-cautious part of my brain is still finding ways to look out for me.

[QUOTE=wauterboi;48470076]Not true. I'm totally open with all of my friends, especially my older friends. I'd argue that my discussions is what is steering me away from doing anything crazy or getting especially depressed, and it's totally changed the way I look at things. Talking to people has helped me understand that I'm pretty normal in a lot of my actions. It totally depends on your tone though. There is a difference between whining and asking for help. I have found that there are people that will listen to me and talk to me when I am dealing with problems. It's also actually gotten me a lot closer to my best friends. I can admit this. I don't know how to describe what it's like for me, but I kind of crash-land into depression in a weird spiral and then immediately spike up into feeling incredible. [img]https://dl.dropboxusercontent.com/u/965202/Facepunch/depression.png[/img] When I'm on my way down, it's very hard to stop and I'd even argue it's probably the best that I don't stop it. Only when I have hit the bottom does the worst venom come out, and then I return to normal and regain the ability to think myself out of my mental trouble. I try to exist within that free-floaty life-is-a-sandbox-with-no-defined-purpose lifestyle and I think it makes me happier. I also try not to exist within other people's definition of success. By many people's standards I, and my idols, could be defined as losers. It's not important to me. Part of me feels really down because I feel empathetic for people on the extreme side of the scale where help is impossible. I'm talking people like pedophiles, where there is no way they can be understood, or people with extreme disorders that make them think of doing ugly things. I wish I could figure out a way for them to ask for help and wish I could make people understand and want to help. It's not even a matter of psychology at that point though - it's a matter of society. In that sense, I could understand why people might opt out of not getting help or at the very least not asking for it. My best friend does not gain any sense of therapy when discussing anything with others because no one would understand him at a very basic level. But I can also understand why people maintain the false belief that they become burdens when they ask for help or try to talk things through.[/QUOTE] Its not entirely a false belief, putting your negative energy on someone else and asking them to deal with it can definitley be a burden. I knew a girl who was constantly depressed, she hated herself and she hardly wanted to live anymore, whenever she tried to talk to me about it I'd oblige, but damned if it didn't bum me out. Funny because it seemed talking about it never helped her, it never made her feel better, it was just another opportunity for her to get me to feel bad for her. Later on I opted instead to distract her and make her laugh and have fun, I did my absolute best for that girl. She was happy when I showed her how great everything was, not with my words, but with my actions. I think the power of distraction is amazing. For example One day my family was eating barbecue outside and she opted to stay inside and sulk. She was laying on the bed and I said "Come on aren't you gonna eat with us?" She sadly said no and resumed her sulking. I was about to just walk away but instead I picked up this big ass plush monkey and threw it at her and before she could react I threw like 2 more plush toys at her, she started laughing and started throwing them back, so we had a little mini plush toy/pillow throwing war, she was laughing the whole time. She sat up and I saw her eyes you could tell she had been crying, but she was smiling now. She got up and we all ate together. I didn't really mean everyone doesn't care when I said what I said earlier, just the people in my life. It's frustrating but whatever, I'm glad I do things the way I do them. I don't think I'd be as strong as I am now if things weren't the way they were.

[QUOTE=Anderan;48466883]A friend of mine started an apprenticeship when he was 18 and I know people as old as 50 that have started one so your age shouldn't be that big of a factor.[/QUOTE] That's what the government says anyway. I had one apprenticeship that I was really looking forward to and applied for via Universal Jobsearch, only to get an e-mail a few hours later that I was declined because I was "above the age limit" even though both their descriptions and the jobsearch site explicitly made no mention about it. :

My friend just said out of the blue "you know, if you killed yourself, I'd be fucked up forever. I'd never be the same." I guess I won't then.