Depression, anxiety, suicidalism and similar disorders, issues and troubles V3 - Discussion, help an - General

My first day of schooling is tomorrow. I feel like I'm gonna get sick. Possibly not from my anxieties. But I have had a really minimal amount of social contact in the past two months and I my depression has had me really sleep deprived. My resistance is probably quite shit thank's to that. And I have to try not to burst into tears. I'm late for bed. Hope I get sleep without nightmares.

I think my greatest fear right now is getting depressed again because of all of the bullshit going on with my life right now. I spent almost two and a half years wanting to blow my brains out, got better right around the time I graduated high school, and now I'm starting to decline again because of all of the fucking fights my parents have and the fact that I'm going to have to hear about how much of a burden I am thanks to the fact that I can't get a license for another month and won't be able to transport myself. I don't want to go back to how I was two years ago.

[url]https://www.google.com/trends/explore#q=depression[/url] I just found out that searches for depression are more common in dark times and cold times. This just means that light and warmth helps depressed people. So get out everyday and get your light. Don't know what to do for winter though :v:

[QUOTE=Fourier;48474099][URL]https://www.google.com/trends/explore#q=depression[/URL] I just found out that searches for depression are more common in dark times and cold times. This just means that light and warmth helps depressed people. So get out everyday and get your light. Don't know what to do for winter though :v:[/QUOTE]Yep, this is scientifically validated. Some people's treatments involve special indoor lamps that give light at the exact intensity and wavelength of sunlight. Pretty interesting stuff, the mind works in mysterious ways :science101: Pretty sure Nordic countries have disproportionate rates of depression iirc

I have my first meeting with a Councillor tomorrow, I am going out on a limb and assuming many others here have been to one and would know more of what to expect. I'm very nervous and while I know the place I am going I don't know the person while I am told she is highly sought after, does anyone have a gist of what I could be in for, I imagine just really sit down and talking about stuff.

[QUOTE=Thomo_UK;48474303]I have my first meeting with a Councillor tomorrow, I am going out on a limb and assuming many others here have been to one and would know more of what to expect. I'm very nervous and while I know the place I am going I don't know the person while I am told she is highly sought after, does anyone have a gist of what I could be in for, I imagine just really sit down and talking about stuff.[/QUOTE] The first few sessions will be her asking you questions about your life and you and stuff so she gets an idea of what is going on and afterwards, it kind of varies. Some stuff to remember: If you don't feel like it's working, say so. If you feel uncomfortable about something or something is really bothering or agitating, say so. In the end, it is OK to try another counselor if it really is not working. Good luck, what you are doing is an important and scary step towards being healthy.

Here's the deal with seeing therapists and councillors for the first time, they are professionals and know what they're doing. If you're nervous that you won't be able to open up or say the right things, well that's exactly the kind of thing they work with so if you don't know what to say then she will ask questions to try to help you to explain. Also keep this in mind, silence is NOT a bad thing, there is no such thing as awkwardness when you're doing this kind of thing, so if you need to think something through before you answer or you're not immediately sure what to say then take your time, and if you on the other hand come up with something you want to say or talk about then just do it. Whatever happens there really isn't such a thing as a bad session, unless the person you're seeing is really bad at their job and even if that's the case well that's not your fault so yeah, good luck and I hope things work out!

[QUOTE=MrJazzy;48474649]Here's the deal with seeing therapists and councillors for the first time, they are professionals and know what they're doing. If you're nervous that you won't be able to open up or say the right things, well that's exactly the kind of thing they work with so if you don't know what to say then she will ask questions to try to help you to explain. Also keep this in mind, silence is NOT a bad thing, there is no such thing as awkwardness when you're doing this kind of thing, so if you need to think something through before you answer or you're not immediately sure what to say then take your time, and if you on the other hand come up with something you want to say or talk about then just do it. [B]Whatever happens there really isn't such a thing as a bad session, unless the person you're seeing is really bad at their job and even if that's the case well that's not your fault so yeah, good luck and I hope things work out![/B][/QUOTE] Being a single child I learned to mask my well being. So much so that one day my psychiatrist said:"All seems looking good. How about we meet up in Autumn next time?" I wanted to kill myself the next day.

Anxiety is still here of course, but I feel much better otherwise. I told the uni about my problems a couple weeks back and have seen a consultant in occupational health, a consultant psychiatrist and my GP again. Seems I might be in line for a formal ASD assessment at some time, which is something my GP has suspected for a while. She thinks it's fairly mild-moderate but I am very good at masking it with my personality and it is enough to bother me - I'm apparently good at talking to people, who'da thunk it? :v: The psychiatrist also thinks mild-moderate OCD. Never ever thought of that before. Could be, could also not be. I had a lot of the stresses that were affecting me lessened or removed, so I just have an exam to focus on for now and can work on my other things after. Could it be a happy ending? Possibly. Gotta wait for referral to ASD team or whatever. Basically to sum up this little blog thing: - I feel better though still ups and downs - Still stressed over an exam that literally everyone passed despite doing well on tests that other people failed - possible woo OCD? - ASD diagnosis potentially - I have learned not to hide suicidal thoughts for several weeks of counselling for fear of being locked up in a padded room - turns out they don't do that anymore - too expensive! - this is longer than the post so it failed at its job 3/10 might not sum up things again Thank you semi-anonymous internet buddies.

Been calling up this comic book store for a potential job. Called them each week, guy I talked too was super nice. He's a manager. Says he finally is able to do interviews for the place, tells me that his boss only allows him to give out 15 hours a week at minimum wage. Like what the fuck. At this rate, I'm going to be forced to go back to working at a gas station. My stress levels are through the fucking roof right now and I just want to lay down and cry.

It seems like every time I feel good for more than 30 minutes, some part of my mind has to chime in, "This is all there is. I'll be alone forever." I desire affection so strongly... No idea where I'll find it, though. Most people can't stand me, and I can sympathize. I'm a terribly abrasive know-it-all, and a huge downer. Meh.

[QUOTE=Smashmaster;48478533]It seems like every time I feel good for more than 30 minutes, some part of my mind has to chime in, "This is all there is. I'll be alone forever." I desire affection so strongly... No idea where I'll find it, though. Most people can't stand me, and I can sympathize. I'm a terribly abrasive know-it-all, and a huge downer. Meh.[/QUOTE] I went out of town to stay with an online friend and her cousin for the weekend, got tons of cuddles and hugs for once, and i dont feel any better i still felt unwanted and ugly, i dont know if ican ever really be happy

[QUOTE=Levithan;48479519]I went out of town to stay with an online friend and her cousin for the weekend, got tons of cuddles and hugs for once, and i dont feel any better i still felt unwanted and ugly, i dont know if ican ever really be happy[/QUOTE] I'm sure you'll be happy at one point! there's no quick fix to low self esteem, its something that'll happen gradually. I used to feel the same, and while I still feel it somewhat, it's far from what it used to be. now I can actually feel wanted and sort of good looking more often! maybe consider exercise? the little I've done has done wonders, I feel a lot better looking after cycling even if nothing has really changed. might want to consider getting a haircut as well if you're not too happy in that department, maybe some new clothes as well?

Speaking of seeing therapists here is something relevant :v: [media]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IoglB5NRxTo[/media]

[QUOTE=PredGD;48479554]I'm sure you'll be happy at one point! there's no quick fix to low self esteem, its something that'll happen gradually. I used to feel the same, and while I still feel it somewhat, it's far from what it used to be. now I can actually feel wanted and sort of good looking more often! maybe consider exercise? the little I've done has done wonders, I feel a lot better looking after cycling even if nothing has really changed. might want to consider getting a haircut as well if you're not too happy in that department, maybe some new clothes as well?[/QUOTE] I'll vouch for this. I used to abhor the idea of exercise and I was pretty low 8 out of the 7 days of the week. Started on a treadmill at a low speed, then kept at it on a 3-times-a-week schedule. It gives you a nice boost, works off stress, and you feel weirdly energetic after it. Don't even have to try very hard, just do what you wanna do (properly of course, don't tear a muscle!), and enjoy some music with it. One step at a tiiiiiiiiime.

Basically I've accepted the fact that the most probable cause for my end will be suicide since I rarely see the benefit in anything that I do these days. I've just allowed myself to roll with these punches since I don't really know what else there is to do. Every few days I have thoughts of how best to quietly and innofensively pass on without hurting my friends or family too much. My mood-stabilizers have basically failed and I either need a higher dose or this is just the path I'm on now.

[QUOTE=Zillamaster55;48482486]Basically I've accepted the fact that the most probable cause for my end will be suicide since I rarely see the benefit in anything that I do these days. I've just allowed myself to roll with these punches since I don't really know what else there is to do. Every few days I have thoughts of how best to quietly and innofensively pass on without hurting my friends or family too much. My mood-stabilizers have basically failed and I either need a higher dose or this is just the path I'm on now.[/QUOTE] Tis not a path you wish to stick on. No matter how innovative you are about it, it'll only come back to hurt them. Believe me, I used to have a journal about this kinda stuff (before I trashed it because fuck it). That said, I'd advise the higher dosage amount or a different kind of mood stabilizer. See if that helps out. That said, what is it you do that you don't see benefit in? I mean, unless you're trying to fly to the moon using a slingshot, there's benefit in a lot of things we do. Live for yourself.

I don't know, that's the thing. I've tried living for myself but I don't see success in anything. I only have a couple good friends who are all moving away in the next few years, I'm single still, I have no job, I still need to go to college, etc. etc. It'll be nice if I can land a teaching job and do that for a few years, help some kids along and then quietly leave. I just want to stop hurting people all of the time.

[QUOTE=Zillamaster55;48482566]I don't know, that's the thing. I've tried living for myself but I don't see success in anything. I only have a couple good friends who are all moving away in the next few years, I'm single still, I have no job, I still need to go to college, etc. etc. It'll be nice if I can land a teaching job and do that for a few years, help some kids along and then quietly leave. I just want to stop hurting people all of the time.[/QUOTE] Aim for college, do whatever you can to get yourself into that place of higher education, even better if you hit a university. You'll meet a ton of new people and with that time on a campus you can really see what you can do, even if you don't have that sense of direction now, college could certainly show you the doors that you can take.

[QUOTE=Zillamaster55;48482566]I don't know, that's the thing. I've tried living for myself but I don't see success in anything. I only have a couple good friends who are all moving away in the next few years, I'm single still, I have no job, I still need to go to college, etc. etc. It'll be nice if I can land a teaching job and do that for a few years, help some kids along and then quietly leave. I just want to stop hurting people all of the time.[/QUOTE] Success is difficult when you're the one looking in. I can't really offer much, being text, but it sounds like you have a plan for yourself. I know how hard it is to grab any kind of job, let alone a teaching job. Any possible volunteer work or TA jobs from local schools or schools a little further away? I'm sure you've looked but if not, try that! Even volunteer work is pretty darn good, experience goes a long way, networking, so forth. College can be done with a bit of planning all around. It's not particularly easy, nor fun, but you come out better thinker and more prepared for the world around you. I'd only go this way if you've solidified on what you wish to do. Its easy to focus on a career path and end up with nothing because the area isn't interested in people with your expertise or end up having to go to graduate school because of how worthless the BA version of your path is (social sciences for example). It's an interesting experience, no doubt, and networking there will work in your favor. The social life of college can be a mental drag and make you worse for wear. I get that much. Making friends that you can talk to really takes stress off of you. It doesn't have to be many friends, just one or two. A quick chat here or there. I could go on, but I don't wanna sound like I'm rushing you into shit. One thing at a time, but it all starts with you, love c: Also being single don't mean shit. You don't need someone else to get further in life. It may seem like that, but that sword swings both ways pretty hard. [editline]18th August 2015[/editline] suddenly a ninja caboose

Hey everyone. Hope you're all doing OK for just one more Day at least. You can do it. Thought Id pop in with some maybe positivity. This weekend in the mountains might have saved my marriage. Just me and her. No cell phones. No TV. We went swimming and explored a river like never before. We took pictures together, she modeled for me, and we played with the long exposure on my camera. It's the most fun we've had in a loooong time. It felt Great. Now we're back home and I'm determined to keep us going and restoring. So remember, it can always get better for you! Just keep going.

I don't know what to do for my mom. My dads passing is hurting her and the house we're in has been full of people for the last week, keeping her busy and what not, but now it's just me and her pretty much with my aunt dropping by here and there. She cries just sporadically, she seems like she's okay sometimes, but it's a thing that just comes and goes, and i know that's normal and what to expect. But I want to help her and all I can really ever do is just give her a hug and hold her for a moment or two. I normally know what to say to any situation, but I don't know how to help people grieve when I'm not even done grieving yet.

I've completely quit Zyprexa now! it'll most likely take a day or two before its completely out of my system, but I already feel much much better after going from 20mg to 10mg. now that it's gone completely, I suspect things will just get even better! I believe cycling has helped a ton as well. I got a new haircut today as well, so that too could factor in! I've started questioning my schizophrenia diagnosis. it started from my parents questioning it and when I give it a thought, they make sense. I don't suffer from hallucinations, I've only had a few and that could just be placebo since I was told to expect it. I have paranoid thoughts, but that too could just be something my brain is making up as I was told to expect it. I've had the negative symptoms of it, like apathy and feeling that everything is unreal, but the apathy could just be the meds I've been put on. I'm feeling much better and much less apathetic after going off Zyprexa, though I still suffer from the feeling of everything being unreal and a disconnection between body and brain. when thinking of it, that could be my only symptom. from googling around, it's apparently called depersonalization / derealization which can be caused by severe anxiety. then again, it's a common symptom among schizophrenics to not believe they're ill at all. I don't know if I should trust myself or those who treat me. I'm not sure if I posted about it yet or not, but I got in at the new mental ward. on the 26th I'll move in. I'm not looking forward to it that much, but I'm willing to give it a shot before writing it off. I'm gonna miss the staff at the ward I currently go to, it's odd to think I'll never see them again. I'd go as far as saying they're almost friends at this point (at least some of them) which just makes matters worse. oh well. [editline]18th August 2015[/editline] another thing, I'd totally recommend going to a mental ward for anyone who suffers from mental issues. it has completely changed who I am and my way of thinking in a positive way! in the 11 months I've been in the current ward I go to, so much has changed. I've gone from a person who has suffered so much from anxiety to not ever leave the safety of my own room, a person with severe depression who felt too sorry for himself, to someone who has begun cycling, made lots of friends (who I unfortunately have lost contact with again), become socially outgoing, stopped with the self pity and begun working towards a better life. it has been a major game changer in my situation, I don't regret it one bit

Good goddamn job dude, no sarcasm. That's really fantastic.

Great job! In other news, I've come to realize that you can't rely on others for your happiness. Even your spouse. I read some Great advice and ive decided to let go of basing my happiness off of my wife. If someone can go through the weekend we went through, say all these wonderful things, and come home and choose to continue to be miserable, they're not worth basing happiness off of. I won't give up on her. But I can't be miserable because of her anymore. I can only Hope that by being a Happy and strong person, she'll be able to lift herself up and join me.

[QUOTE=PredGD;48488539]I've completely quit Zyprexa now! it'll most likely take a day or two before its completely out of my system, but I already feel much much better after going from 20mg to 10mg. now that it's gone completely, I suspect things will just get even better! I believe cycling has helped a ton as well. I got a new haircut today as well, so that too could factor in! I've started questioning my schizophrenia diagnosis. it started from my parents questioning it and when I give it a thought, they make sense. I don't suffer from hallucinations, I've only had a few and that could just be placebo since I was told to expect it. I have paranoid thoughts, but that too could just be something my brain is making up as I was told to expect it. I've had the negative symptoms of it, like apathy and feeling that everything is unreal, but the apathy could just be the meds I've been put on. I'm feeling much better and much less apathetic after going off Zyprexa, though I still suffer from the feeling of everything being unreal and a disconnection between body and brain. when thinking of it, that could be my only symptom. from googling around, it's apparently called depersonalization / derealization which can be caused by severe anxiety. then again, it's a common symptom among schizophrenics to not believe they're ill at all. I don't know if I should trust myself or those who treat me. I'm not sure if I posted about it yet or not, but I got in at the new mental ward. on the 26th I'll move in. I'm not looking forward to it that much, but I'm willing to give it a shot before writing it off. I'm gonna miss the staff at the ward I currently go to, it's odd to think I'll never see them again. I'd go as far as saying they're almost friends at this point (at least some of them) which just makes matters worse. oh well. [editline]18th August 2015[/editline] another thing, I'd totally recommend going to a mental ward for anyone who suffers from mental issues. it has completely changed who I am and my way of thinking in a positive way! in the 11 months I've been in the current ward I go to, so much has changed. I've gone from a person who has suffered so much from anxiety to not ever leave the safety of my own room, a person with severe depression who felt too sorry for himself, to someone who has begun cycling, made lots of friends (who I unfortunately have lost contact with again), become socially outgoing, stopped with the self pity and begun working towards a better life. it has been a major game changer in my situation, I don't regret it one bit[/QUOTE] Sweet, this is why I try to teach people that many problems come from self concept. [editline]19th August 2015[/editline] [QUOTE=D0C H.;48490204]Great job! In other news, I've come to realize that you can't rely on others for your happiness. Even your spouse. I read some Great advice and ive decided to let go of basing my happiness off of my wife. If someone can go through the weekend we went through, say all these wonderful things, and come home and choose to continue to be miserable, they're not worth basing happiness off of. I won't give up on her. But I can't be miserable because of her anymore. I can only Hope that by being a Happy and strong person, she'll be able to lift herself up and join me.[/QUOTE] Good job man, that's some higher level shit. It took me a long time to learn that. Many people have to learn that the hard way. Be ruthless, but sweet.

Thank you. I'll find the post that really set if off for me..... It just doesn't make sense to rely on another fragile flawed human for happiness.

Having a bit of trouble posting here. Last time I made a post that would fit this thread it was reposted on a certain board by a certain user. [QUOTE=D0C H.;48490286]Thank you. I'll find the post that really set if off for me..... It just doesn't make sense to rely on another fragile flawed human for happiness.[/QUOTE] A bundle of fragile sticks is stronger than one single fragile stick.

A branch that draws its strength from a river it finds itself can provide strength. But a branch that attempts to continue to draw water from a fellow dry branch will wither.

[QUOTE=HumanAbyss;48486311]I don't know what to do for my mom. My dads passing is hurting her and the house we're in has been full of people for the last week, keeping her busy and what not, but now it's just me and her pretty much with my aunt dropping by here and there. She cries just sporadically, she seems like she's okay sometimes, but it's a thing that just comes and goes, and i know that's normal and what to expect. But I want to help her and all I can really ever do is just give her a hug and hold her for a moment or two. I normally know what to say to any situation, but I don't know how to help people grieve when I'm not even done grieving yet.[/QUOTE] I'm sorry to hear about your loss. In my experience, you can't really help others grieve other than to just be there for them. It's an extremely personal process for everyone involved as the deceased meant something else to everyone, so it's best to just leave them alone. (Obviously there are exceptions to this when it gets out of hand) What's most important right now is that you feel that you can feel grief, if you don't it'll come back to bite you in the ass later. In time your father's passing will turn from just sadness into the memories which you remember him by. My father died 5 years ago to lung cancer, and my grandfather died this year of the same. I did not give myself the time to grieve about my father, hell shit I went back to school the next day and worked on the projects I still had to finish. One year later I basically had a mental breakdown because it suddenly just crashed down on me. The death of my grandfather brought up a lot of old wounds related to my father and the grieving process as well. So please allow yourself to grieve.