Depression, anxiety, suicidalism and similar disorders, issues and troubles V3 - Discussion, help an - General

[QUOTE=Cha;48507970]Thank you very much. :D I'm sorry my mistake. English is not my mothertongue![/QUOTE] It's all cool, buddy. You will easily improve your English in the world of FP c:

You guys ever experience medium to strong anxiety, when reading about crazy shit on the internet? Like conspiracy theories or mental illnesses in general?

[QUOTE=Cha;48507951]Jebus, please don't do it. I have been there. Believe me, life will be better sooner or later. Pm me, if you want to talk to somebody.[/QUOTE] I'm jumping on a train, not under one!

i'm never going to have kids

Don't. Seriously. It's a bad idea. They will take or diminish everything you Love.

i think the tone of my post was lost. i can't have kids and this makes me depressed and have suicidal thoughts.

There's always adoption. It's not the same thing as having a child of your own, but you might be saving the life of somebody who's already been brought into the world and has had it rough.

Well my bad. I'm sorry man. There's more to life than children! You're a whole person and you have so many other hopes and dreams that you have yet to fulfill. You don't need children to lead a fulfilling life.

[QUOTE=KillerTele;48509997]There's always adoption. It's not the same thing as having a child of your own, but you might be saving the life of somebody who's already been brought into the world and has had it rough.[/QUOTE] There's having a kid and then there's [I]having[/I] a kid. Both are so important to me that I wouldn't be able to function with only one. [editline]21st August 2015[/editline] I agree with the notion that adoption is great though, there's loads of children out there looking for parents. But not everyone fits into that puzzle.

I just fucked up today. Over the past few years, if not, a large part of my life I have been avoided by people. It's actually a thing for me, I never truly understood why it happened, my friends and people who know me like me and respect me, but during events, regardless if people know me or not, they always avoid me or just don't seem to like me anymore. Whenever I walk or take the bus, I notice people switching sidewalks or avoiding contact with me. My family doesn't take the problem seriously and they don't believe me. They think I'm full of shit and I'm going insane but I am not going insane, people are actually avoiding me or strongly dislike me for no reason. Sometimes I can't sleep thinking what could be the root of the problem. Is it my voice? My voice is perfectly fine, in fact, many people have told me I have an amazing voice. Is it my body complexion? I'm neither fat or extremely skinny, I have been seen people looking worse and they're usually left alone. Is it my face? I think my face is alright but what I consider alright is never alright for other people. Is it my skin color? I know the city where I live has some kind of preference for white mexicans than brown-mexicans. I have seen non-white mexicans being treated normal so I don't think skin color could be the cause of the issue. I'm too silent? Many people are silent and they are left alone too. I have done many things to find the solution for this problem both physically and mentally, I have done exercise, changed my diet, changed my posture, try to listen to music and look as cheerful and charming as possible, but I always get frustrated in the end because I can't find what's the cause of the problem. I end up depressed and angry because chances are I might never find a proper way to deal with this issue. I'm doomed to live like that forever. Today I was so angry, I just slammed the door from the restroom and the door got stuck, I'm outside the restroom but the door won't open. It's not the first time I have caused damage to property (or myself) due to my frustration. I really want to go to therapy because there's a point where I just can't live anymore. I can't talk with my brother or my mother because they won't take me seriously and they will yell at me. My friends try to help me but they suck a lot at trying to do it. I get frustrated because I do everything I can so people will stop treating me weird and no matter how much effort I put into it, it's useless. It's understandable when it's your first, second or third try, but when you have gone years trying to improve and it just doesn't work you just feel like there is really no way out, your life was just rigged from the start. Even if I stop caring about people, I still get shit thrown at me for no reason.

[QUOTE=Sgt. Nikolai;48510829]*text*[/QUOTE] about being avoided on the street/having people switch sidewalks; do you by any chance wear hoodies with the hood up often? it's a confirmed fact people tend to avoid those who are due to it being associated with criminals, etc. to the point where they would switch sidewalks and such

I've been getting really frustrated with my parents lately. They're the sort of parents who say "you can talk to us about anything" but I absolutely can't broach the subject of my rapidly deteriorating mental condition. I get immediately shut down as soon as I get anywhere near the subject. I guess the idea of me being depressed doesn't fit in with their image of me. I've always sort if been their "golden child" to them, despite being way worse of a person than they think, and I've never minded that because I can exploit the living shit out of it. But now it suddenly sucks because I actually need their support for once.

I had one of my worse nights yesterday. People often say that silence can bring out the worst thoughts and feelings, and when you're alone in the dark, those can certainly seem more apparent - I often have to rely upon deliberately leaving my laptop on throughout the night with a 12+ hour YouTube video that acts as white noise ([url=https://youtu.be/WvIe3Nji-jc]For Example[/url]). It didn't work last night. Granted, my legs which are generally weak from sitting most days being in physical pain and the humidity of British weather didn't help. I keep thinking about my previous partner who I have not spoken to properly since January and the fact I failed him by becoming too depressed to support his own mental health (and for all intents and purposes, he has it worse off than me - he witnessed the murder of his first partner, gets flashbacks of the event, etc.). I've been alone a huge majority of my life, but this person was the one person that was a saving grace, someone I genuinely loved and cared for, and it's just gone. I keep thinking about writing a letter to him and to return a necklace that was QR Coded to say "I love you." back to him, because I cannot legitimately keep hold of such a thing that no longer is true. I also keep thinking about the apprenticeships in the local area and that I'm still just cowardly to not even finish the application, because I feel that I won't be a great person for the job and that any other person will do a better job than I ever could. I'm winning battles here and there, but this war of mine is being lost, and I'm struggling to justify my continued existence for living. And yet I know I cannot bring myself to end my life because there is simply no means of guaranteeing an instantaneous death. I'd rather be put to sleep before any action was taken. (I suppose I should disclaim that I'm not in any danger and I'm not going to be acting on any thoughts)

It is difficult to put how I feel into words, since it's difficult to pin down exactly how I feel. I guess I have to try because it is making things worse, keeping it all bottled up. It's going to be a very long post, as one thing leads to another and writing it all out helps me think. That's how it goes. I've posted in this thread before about my awful, toxic relationship with a girlfriend about a year and a half ago. I mean, how happy and healthy could a relationship built between two mentally ill people who both want to die really be? The brooding bipolar man and his crazy, autistic girlfriend. I joke about it, because it really is funny in a darkly humorous way, but it's also kind of jarring to remember that it was my life. It was something that actually happened. It might feel like a bad dream, but it was real, and the fallout from all of it has informed just about every aspect of my life. We were supposed to die together, some sort of suicide pact bullshit, such as it was, but all of a sudden she backed out and put a lot of distance between us. It ruined me. I can point to that specific day of my life and say yeah, it was certainly a wild rollercoaster with all its ups and downs, but it was all downhill for me from there. See, I don't really have a family or any friends to speak of. Close family, or close friends, that is. I was completely alone with no one but myself and my lovely girlfriend, and had already alienated myself from society, essentially, due to a wicked combination of her neediness and demands and my own schizoid personality. So when she cut off contact with me, it was like losing a limb. I almost forgot how to breathe, even. Days suddenly got so much longer yet emptier. They stretched into infinity. Everything hurt. Distance put a lot of things into perspective, too. I realized how unhealthy she was for me, but I also realized that deep down, I [i]liked[/i] that. I was addicted to how bad she made me feel. To our absolutely ridiculous arguments over her bizarre, completely wrongheaded ideas about life, the universe, and everything. To that deep sense of dread, every day feeling like the world was ending in a haze of cigarette smoke and my frigid tempers. Man, it felt right. Like I was made for it. But she dropped me like a bad habit and it fucking hurt. It wasn't even a breakup. She told me I was not allowed to see or even talk to anyone else in any capacity, and that she was not leaving me. It was only something she needed to do for a while, and I had no choice but to go along with it. Well, to say I had no choice isn't exactly true. I could have stopped at any moment. Said no mas, like Roberto Duran. But that would have been too easy, and perhaps my biggest flaw, which is no mean feat, is I always do things the most difficult way possible. It's just how I am. Eventually, she got back in touch. It must have been about a week or so, but it felt like forever. She said I'm much too good of a person, with too good of a heart, despite everything I say and believe about myself, so she could never live with herself knowing that I was dead because of her. I said she wouldn't have to worry about living with herself, since, you know, she was going to be dead too, but she called me a smartass and said it was the principle of the thing. That's how a lot of our conversations went. She said proof of my goodness was that I could love someone even as wretched as her. When I pointed out that she's the only person I've ever truly loved, which means maybe I'm kind of suspect, she just told me to shut up. That it was beside the point. What she was getting at was that she was going to kill herself, as planned, and that I was not allowed to interfere nor was I allowed to kill myself in response like some kind of mutually-assured self-destruction. She would never forgive me if I went against her wishes. I don't want to draw this out too much, so I'll just put it like this: she's dead, and I'm sitting here writing this. Hello. The enormity of it still crashes over me like a wave every so often like that. She's dead, and I'm sitting here, writing this. It's been real rough. For a while, I lived every single day as I outlined above, completely empty, aching, wanting to die, unable to do anything. Dropped out of school, quit working. Moved back to my hometown because if I stayed where I was for a second longer I'd have to break my promise. I no longer felt human. I still don't, honestly. I don't feel like a person. I'm on a completely different wavelength now. Entirely detached from everyone. Nearly all of my emotions have been wrung out of me. However, while it has taken me a long time, there has been a very long, very slow road to something. I don't want to call it recovery. Maybe coping. I'm permanently damaged. I'm never going to get over any of this. I'm never going to feel normal or even human again. I cannot, in all honesty, remember the last time I was happy. Or how it feels to be happy. What makes me happy. What happiness is. Time may heal the deepest wounds, but a severed limb is gone for good. I'm still alone. I don't have anyone to talk to about any of this stuff, which is why I vent to strangers who will maybe skim this and move on. I still want to die most of the time, even if I'm not outright suicidal anymore. But I'm enrolled in school again, and doing very well. I have a new major that I'm much happier about and feel right with. I was fortunate enough to take a trip to Tokyo earlier in the year and really dug the place, so for my foreign language I decided to take Japanese. It turns out I have a real knack for language, even one as difficult as Japanese, and after a heart-to-heart with my professor she convinced me that I should go with it. She said I was a total natural and it would be an utter waste if I didn't go with with it, and that to be blunt I should stop pretending there are other options for me since I clearly didn't care enough about the other things I already dabbled in to spend hours a day studying them and putting effort into learning them like I do with Japanese. I'm glad I made that decision. It's like a weight off my chest. I've been trying to turn my pain and heartache over everything into a story, with mixed results. It's very difficult for me to let my guard down and write so honestly and openly, not to mention putting it all into words in the first place. What kind of story do I want to tell? How do I want to tell it? I started off with a lot of poetry, even though I hadn't written poetry in years, but slowly it evolved into something else. Snatches of prose turn into short vignettes turn into the skeleton of a chapter. It's very slow going but I'm trying to turn the pain into something so it wasn't completely pointless. I keep a private blog where I post the poetry and the chapters when I feel like I can write them, and it feels somewhat cathartic. I will also say, there was another girl, after a while. She kind of forced her way into my heart and despite how much it hurts me sometimes I don't regret it happening. I don't want to talk about her too much, because no matter how things stand now, how far apart we are, how dead I am inside, or how off and on we are, I do love her very much. More than anything else in the world. Maybe my biggest regret is that I just can't see things working out to the point that we could fully commit to each other and be happy together. Living with that knowledge is a sad, slow death. But at the same time, I hold on to the tiniest, faintest glimmer of hope that if I was able to love someone else again, and someone was able to love me as I am now, that maybe there can be yet another girl for me, despite everything, and that I don't have to be resigned to this kind of life. There are still a lot of aspects of this that I haven't even touched upon, like the nightmares that keep me from sleeping, but I feel like I've taken up enough of everyone's time and written so much as it is that I should give it a rest for now.

[QUOTE=Sgt. Nikolai;48510829]-snip-[/QUOTE] I've had this same problem all my life, it feels like a curse. It's as if everyone knows something about ourselves that we don't, or we give off a bad aura that people pick up on, and they just stay out of our way because of it. I stopped trying to figure it out ages ago, I just go my own way in life. It doesn't bother me anymore. I wish I had some advice for you but I've been there and nothing works.

I think I have a problem with anger. I've been under some stress lately (been looking for a place to live while I do the first year of my phd programme and it's been a nightmare: stupidly high rent, stupidly high deposits, administrative fees, the threat of terrible landlords, people dropping out etc.). it's bizarre because I feel like I've honestly grown as a person while doing it - having to deal with people I don't really know for something as vital as housing! - and I feel like I've taken so much more initiative than I ever would normally, organising groups and shit like that. but I am so angry at every little thing right now. everything makes me fucking furious because I don't know if this thing is sorted yet and I have to wait (I've got about a month before the start date of my course). it seems out of proportion for what it is. I'm not going to die if I don't get somewhere to live, but everything seems like it will be the end of the world. it's like, anger combined with a lot of furious self loathing, don't really know what to do about it. I'm not worried about hurting myself or someone else, it's just very fucking unpleasant. gosh darn it [editline]22nd August 2015[/editline] i noticed a lot of it is anger at stuff from my past, unrelated stuff. somehow I'm able to recall every bad thing that ever happened to me and get angry at it and the people who caused it, years later [editline]22nd August 2015[/editline] i also get the fear that i'm wasting my life with a phd in biomedical imaging. I feel like I already wasted my childhood and now I'll waste my young adulthood. what will I not waste? but this is bullshit, I worked my ass off for this, I'm going to be a scientist and that's something I've wanted to do since I was a teenager [editline]22nd August 2015[/editline] also i miss my ex which is stupid

Realized that I suck after someone told me that I can't play drums. Or any other instruments because I have no rhythm. I've been laying in bed now for 2 hours, just thinking how I've wasted my life on "stupid ideas", that doesn't progress me at all. Also I miss all my friends. And I'm still fat. And I'm probably a terrible friend that ruined the party yesterday due to me being depressed and really let down, to the point that my best friend had to serious talk to me and make sure I didn't jump onto a suicide thought wagon. Really glad he did, but man I'm probably such a hassle for him

prove that cunt wrong. get back on those drums and practice until you become great

I honestly don't even know if this is the right place to post this but I couldn't figure out where else to post it. I honestly don't know why I'm posting it. I just really need to vent about this shit even if no one actually does read it and I have no one to talk to. For the last few months, I've been getting a little bit into the deep web. As such, I've been trying to watch my opsec and making sure I leave as little of a fingerprint as possible. I've also been looking into some shit as to securing my local network, and I'm starting to get into penetration testing to really make sure everything is good. Lately though, I feel like I'm losing my mind a little bit. Like I always feel like someone is watching me but I know that there's no one around. I know that I can't truly and completely secure myself from big adversaries such as governments and leo and such, but when I think about them, I feel like I'm becoming more and more paranoid and feel like I need to cut myself off from more. Last night I had a weird dream where I had used a device I bought to do some pen testing on my network and then got arrested for illegal activity. I know it was just a dream but I woke up and it actually felt like it happened. I used to have friends, I used to actually talk with my family but lately I've cut them all off. I can tell I'm distancing everyone from me but I fell like I need to. I don't know why I'm feeling like this, it's not like I really did anything or even plan to. Sorry if this is confusing to anyone actually reading but I'm just not sure what to do anymore.

Does anyone else think that their reasons for being depressed are fucking stupid? I'm too scared to speak about my problems even with my best friend because I think that him or anyone else is going judge the fuck out of me. Like they are just going to think I'm being over dramatic as fuck.

I came home after drinking a few and nearly tore the place down. Smashed half the glassware and cut myself quite deep in my palm. My parents were home at the time so at least they made sure I was safe afterwards. They thought I was drunk, but I felt pretty sober, and I can recall everything that happened pretty clear. I don't know what set me off like that. I wouldn't say it's the alcohol because I barely had anything to drink. I can remember having some notion that made me gag when I spoke to people that night. It's a problem I've seemed to have had since last year. There's a kind of narcissistic outlook I have on people that makes me see things negatively when I socialize. I feel like I'm straight up incompatible with life. It's not for me.

[QUOTE=elitehakor;48522472]prove that cunt wrong. get back on those drums and practice until you become great[/QUOTE] I love you, I needed that kick in the butt.

[QUOTE=Torjuz;48523025]I love you, I needed that kick in the butt.[/QUOTE] no you're supposed to put the kick on the floor and use a foot pedal for it you silly, not in the butt, you've been doing it wrong all this time no wonder he wasn't impressed [editline]23rd August 2015[/editline] for reals though, it doesn't matter if he tells you you're not good at drums, just keep practicing and you'll become way better what he thinks is "good"

[QUOTE=MrJazzy;48523160]no you're supposed to put the kick on the floor and use a foot pedal for it you silly, not in the butt, you've been doing it wrong all this time no wonder he wasn't impressed [editline]23rd August 2015[/editline] for reals though, it doesn't matter if he tells you you're not good at drums, just keep practicing and you'll become way better what he thinks is "good"[/QUOTE] Yeah, more shit happened though so I'm even more motivated to get good. I guess I lost sense yesterday, because I kicked myself out of the band. Problem now, is they got someone else. So I'm all by myself, which I believe is a good thing at this point

If you ever lose heart again, just imagine the bastard's face as you pull a wicked drum solo all over his dumbstruck ass

I'm letting others get the best of me. Anything I do now people think I stole it because of the whole "I stole a hat from GMTower and uploaded it to the TF2 workshop". If you search my name, you'll get nothing but hate and just me being shitted on. I feel like giving up on making anything, because I doubt anything I do will ever get in a game, or anything. All because people think I steal, and my bad history because of said people. That and I'm shit at everything.

[QUOTE=Torjuz;48523484]Yeah, more shit happened though so I'm even more motivated to get good. I guess I lost sense yesterday, because I kicked myself out of the band. Problem now, is they got someone else. So I'm all by myself, which I believe is a good thing at this point[/QUOTE] I know this sounds silly, but you gotta feel the music. And you probably already do, but have built a mental block. I was never able to really just play my midi keyboard and enjoy making sounds or jamming until I started letting myself feel the music and use the keyboard as a conduit for expression- which as cheezy as it sounds helped loads. When I started accepting this, I went from being unable to sit still and play piano without getting bored in 30 seconds to being able to record mildly pleasant jam sessions like [URL="https://soundcloud.com/nofuchsgiven/piano-piano-oh-god-my-fingers/s-VaYE0"]this[/URL] (which I thoroughly enjoy despite knowing its not the best technically). I mean, I still have only been playing for 3ish months but feeling into it and not letting myself stress about it has made it more fun and improved the pace at which I improve.

[QUOTE=paindoc;48531608]I know this sounds silly, but you gotta feel the music. And you probably already do, but have built a mental block. I was never able to really just play my midi keyboard and enjoy making sounds or jamming until I started letting myself feel the music and use the keyboard as a conduit for expression- which as cheezy as it sounds helped loads. When I started accepting this, I went from being unable to sit still and play piano without getting bored in 30 seconds to being able to record mildly pleasant jam sessions like [URL="https://soundcloud.com/nofuchsgiven/piano-piano-oh-god-my-fingers/s-VaYE0"]this[/URL] (which I thoroughly enjoy despite knowing its not the best technically). I mean, I still have only been playing for 3ish months but feeling into it and not letting myself stress about it has made it more fun and improved the pace at which I improve.[/QUOTE] Yeah, after playing for quite a while, I often experiment too much. But I guess that's what happened when you have been playing instruments for like, 15 years? I broke my first drum set when I was 4 years old. And I recently finished music school. Also realized that I should have continued to study this year. The reason I didn't was because we decided to make the band a thing, which I'm now kicked out of. Man, sometimes shit really hits the fan...

Hey guys. Really lonely right now. Two weeks ago, the girl who brought me out of my depression and was slowly making my anxiety fade away just stopped loving me. Now I'm at university with no friends, sleeping under a towel since I forgot to bring my blanket from home, and classes start tomorrow. I'm finding it extremely hard to keep a positive outlook on things. I want to cry and scream all the time. But I keep a smile on my face and a friendly attitude around other people. I don't know who I fucking am. I've let literally every bad emotion I've ever had in my life bottle up inside me and its become increasingly harder to keep them in now that I have nobody to make me happy. Nobody to care for me as much as she used to. She still texts and calls me (she's the only person right now with a semblance of caring about my life, I know she'll always be there if I need to talk to someone, along with another guy friend). Those two people are my only true friends I have. And I'm far away from them now. With little communication with anyone, its hard to find a purpose. I really need someone to talk to right now.

It's been 16 days since my dad died. I'll be glad when enough time has passed that I can't just count the days that easily. But then will come the time that it's been a year. And so on. There's no comfort from all of that at least not yet. What gets to me more is that it's 20 days since I talked to my dad, that he last told me he loved me, and I told him I loved him and could be sure he heard me. I've been able to process most of my grief, I can really honestly think about most of this and deal with it and be okay and not have an overly emotional reaction. However, I can't think of the day he left without being terribly sad, tears in my eyes instantly. I was sitting in my chair, eating a sub because I had work in an hour and just needed a quick bite. My dad came in my room, and said; I'm off now son. I love you. Take care of your mother will ya? He walked over to me, telling me to stay in my chair, to not worry about it, to just keep eating while he gave me a hug, and left. I put my sub down pretty much right away, and my 73 year old dad had made it 30 metres to his car in a very short period of time to leave. I stood in the drive way and waved, I don't think either my mom or my dad saw that, but I did. I didn't want him to go like that, and I didn't want him to go without giving me a proper hug goodbye. But he did. And for me, this is the hardest part. Why didn't I get up quicker? Why didn't I run there faster? I asked my mom why he'd moved so quickly, and she told me; He didn't want to upset you. He was having a hard time saying goodbye and knew you would too, he didn't want your goodbye to be messy. I know how childish it is to say "It isn't fair", but I just want one more fucking hug from my dad. Last night before I fell asleep I had a small little dream before I really fell asleep of my dad just sitting on the tractor, looking over at the work we're doing to our house that would just tear his heart apart(We have to move now) and asking me "Are they done doing the work over there kiddo?". I woke up, and didn't sleep for a few hours just because of how shocking that was for me. I try to not burden people with my shit right now, my mom has enough crap on her plate and I'm not helping her when I really need help so I'm trying to not bother her. I've dumped so much of this on my girlfriend, but I feel guilty continuing to do so. Even now, bitching to you guys, I feel guilty writing this because "who the fuck cares".