Depression, anxiety, suicidalism and similar disorders, issues and troubles V3 - Discussion, help an - General

Today I had a really out of the ordinary (for me) night on the town with a buddy from school. By any measure, it wasn't bad at all. I splurged on a nice meal even though I'm broke as shit. I met some really cool people I would have never met otherwise, too. A Muslim stoner who's my brother now, according to him, and a really friendly gay couple, all of them mostly aimless and in their 20s like me. We shot the shit for a few hours, them smoking weed, me sticking to my shitty Newports, talking about everything under the sun. Race, religion, language, girl/guy problems, how we all kind of feel like misfits since we've got our own weird hurdles that we're pretty much alone in. I mean, the iconoclast Muslim stoner, the interracial gay couple disowned by their families, me, and our neurotic buddy linking us all together. What a gang. The race discussion was probably my favorite, since it was funny. They loved my stories about how, due to my grandfather being Native American, I'm very visibly SOMETHING but no one ever gets it right. So when people are racist towards me they're always the wrong kind of racist. For example, if I had a dollar for every time I've been called a spic or a wetback even though I have 0 Mexican blood in me, let's just say I wouldn't be living on canned chili and tap water. A stray cat jumped into my lap at one point and stayed with me for a long time, too. I really do love cats. I feel like they "get" me more than anything else. I have a very real need to be alone, but sometimes I don't want that, and they understand. They're affectionate for a while, and then leave me alone, while still being there, just at a distance. I'm a mostly hands-off person but I like knowing there's something there. The problem with all of this was, as much as I should have been enjoying myself, and I really was enjoying the conversations and the company on a certain level, it also made me feel physically ill and really sad. I think it's a combination of human interaction genuinely exhausting me, to the point that I get nauseous, and the continuing problem of being unable to pass for a normal, sane human anymore. I'm too moody, too serious, too brooding, too detached. They mentioned it today, albeit in a polite "Dude, are you okay?" way, and it made me feel very self-conscious, since now I look like on the outside how I feel on the inside. There's no hiding it anymore. I've been trying to keep that stuff buried for years now, and I did succeed at passing for normal for a very long time, but I am so tired. I lost that battle. I don't think I can recover from it. I don't think I've mentioned this, or maybe I have, but no one I know in real life really knows about that stuff I mentioned with my girlfriend. At most, they might have known there was some "trouble", as I probably put it. That's a lot to keep to myself, and it's just the tip of the iceberg, since she was a symptom, not a cause. I've grown up with the notion that a man's problems are his own, and I live my life like that. I don't ask for help, I don't offload my problems onto anyone I know. I keep it all to myself. It has taken its toll, though. At this point just saying anything or even smiling is a Herculean effort for me. I go for entire days, plural, in a row, without uttering even a single word. A functional mute. I even manage to run my errands without speaking, since self-checkout is a thing, and thankfully I've been going to my favorite restaurants for so long that they know exactly what I want so all I have to do is nod when they ask if I want the usual. I genuinely think it's humorous that it's gotten to that point, but that's also not an ideal way to live. Having your whole life be so dark and sad that there's nothing to do but laugh.

had my last appointment with the ward psychologist today and my last day at the ward I currently go to. it was so hard to say goodbye, I was sure I was gonna break down crying on multiple occasions, but I managed to bottle it up. I'm really, really gonna miss the staff there, I had a great year at the ward. so many good memories. I wish it didn't end so I could be with them more, but life goes on. [editline]25th August 2015[/editline] I'm feeling pretty terrible regarding this. the more time passes, the more I realize I'll never see them again. they're the closest I've been to having a friend in years, I'd even regard some of them as friends as this point so it hurts a lot to say goodbye. I wish I had someone to share my feelings with now, have someone to do something with to put my mind on other things.

So, I go off and try to organize a get-together with friends via social media this week since our regular get-together isn't happening as usual (the host has work) and not one person bothers to respond. Made multiple posts over the past week, very friendly with a few standard suggestions of ideas for things we could do, like seeing a movie, going out to eat somewhere, etc, but nope, no one gives a flying fuck. No one wants to do anything with me, because I guess I'm that guy no one actually cares about. I never even express anxiety or negativity around my friends, literally focusing all my energy on being positive and fun to hang out with, so it's not like I'm depressing to be around. This is just how I feel when no one takes interest in keeping me company, but they don't know that because I figure it would make it worse for me. Maybe this shouldn't affect me so much, but it really does. Now I'm just going to be spending my usual 2 days off with nothing to do and the loneliness and feelings of depression are really hitting me hard, and then its back to the dull monotony of work for 5 more days again. I put myself out there, try to make things happen, and nothing. Just a big mix of anxiety and anger and everything right now. I dunno what I'm going to do all day. Just play TF2 or something I guess.

I found out today that somebody I was friends with through middle and high school died of suicide on Friday. It's weird because even though suicide has been such a huge part of my life, I haven't lost anybody to it until now. I think also I still don't actually believe it completely. If I could say something to him now, I would say this: "I'm sorry. I'm sorry that you were in so much pain that this was the only option you saw. I'm sorry that your last moments on earth were so lonely and that you were so scared. You were brave. You were brave and strong to fight and to live as long as you did. It's over now. You can rest."

I figured this would be a little funny to share, since I laughed when I came across it. My new kanji dictionary got here and the most complicated kanji to draw in the whole book is this one, all alone on the last page: [IMG]http://i.imgur.com/dIvMZs0.jpg[/IMG] How poetic. :v:

[QUOTE=Apollo;48540482]I figured this would be a little funny to share, since I laughed when I came across it. My new kanji dictionary got here and the most complicated kanji to draw in the whole book is this one, all alone on the last page: [IMG]http://i.imgur.com/dIvMZs0.jpg[/IMG] How poetic. :v:[/QUOTE] [media]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fk-Gn3w2gt0[/media]

depression has always been a really been thorn in my side and ive ignored it for forever but holy shit is it bad right now i literally just sleep whenever I can because I hate everything and sleep means I dont feel anything and i just sat in my car when I parked it for an hour because i didnt have the will to open the door and cried oops

[QUOTE=Cornish;48540787]depression has always been a really been thorn in my side and ive ignored it for forever but holy shit is it bad right now i literally just sleep whenever I can because I hate everything and sleep means I dont feel anything and i just sat in my car when I parked it for an hour because i didnt have the will to open the door and cried oops[/QUOTE] That's serious. Please ask for help.

So last Friday I reached out to a friend. Decided to turn up at their door, because i was only a short subway ride away from them at the time. Then had a nice little chit-chat at first and then asked for a private conversation. I broke down and told her that I need to get back in touch with that group of friends I cut myself out of. Then yesterday I also contacted another person from that circle of friends. My anxiety made me imagine that I'd be told "Go away!" or just being ignored. But to a pleasant surprise we chatted for six hours instead. Didn't get around to that topic of that I need those people back in my life because I ain't feeling capable of dealing with Bipolar II without that right kind of emotional support. Also: Having my last visit next week at my current clinic, after that I'm being transferred to another outpatient clinic which has resources for acute treatment.

I'm feeling absolutely horrible right now. I wrote a suicide note back in June, I still have it on my phone. It says I'll kill myself around November/December this year. I don't really want to do it, but each day I feel more inclined to it. Hell, I don't even have much of reason to do it, especially not at my age, but I feel like I'd do myself and a lot of other people a favor by killing myself. I'm really confused, because I really want to die right now, but chances are tomorrow I'll feel a lot better

[QUOTE=Paranoia10;48542844]I'm feeling absolutely horrible right now. I wrote a suicide note back in June, I still have it on my phone. It says I'll kill myself around November/December this year. I don't really want to do it, but each day I feel more inclined to it. Hell, I don't even have much of reason to do it, especially not at my age, but I feel like I'd do myself and a lot of other people a favor by killing myself. I'm really confused, because I really want to die right now, but chances are tomorrow I'll feel a lot better[/QUOTE] Try to keep in mind that suicidal ideation stems from a horribly skewed perspective and self-image.

[QUOTE=Paranoia10;48542844]I'm feeling absolutely horrible right now. I wrote a suicide note back in June, I still have it on my phone. It says I'll kill myself around November/December this year. I don't really want to do it, but each day I feel more inclined to it. Hell, I don't even have much of reason to do it, especially not at my age, but I feel like I'd do myself and a lot of other people a favor by killing myself. I'm really confused, because I really want to die right now, but chances are tomorrow I'll feel a lot better[/QUOTE] I actually did that once. Gave myself a lot of time just to see if I could unfuck my life but it doesn't seem to be going well. Still have it on my computer, locked away if I ever cross that line. Anyway, you tend to justify the ends with things you may or may not be able to determine once the act is done once you're in the mindset. Chances are you're in that wobbly mindset and need a soft reset, as I like to call it, aka get plenty of rest. Depression tends to fuck off when you're asleep, though if its a serious case you can be like me and have some really nasty nightmares. Not a lot you can do about that except try to sleep again and hope it doesn't happen again.

[QUOTE=Paranoia10;48542844]I'm feeling absolutely horrible right now. I wrote a suicide note back in June, I still have it on my phone. It says I'll kill myself around November/December this year. I don't really want to do it, but each day I feel more inclined to it. Hell, I don't even have much of reason to do it, especially not at my age, but I feel like I'd do myself and a lot of other people a favor by killing myself. I'm really confused, because I really want to die right now, but chances are tomorrow I'll feel a lot better[/QUOTE] If I were you I'd delete that note to start off, and then seek out a doctor with which to talk about it with. Do everything in your power to put walls between you and the possibility of going through with that idea, and try to adjust your perspective with other people's help to show you how. Override all of the thoughts pushing you toward it long enough to help yourself out with positive action, and ignore everything that holds you back from seeking out help. Whatever it takes, get out there and get that help from a medical professional, those people will be there for you. I did so myself a several years back when my depression was particularly bad, and it definitely helped a lot. Following that, exercise, therapy, eating better, getting outdoors for some fresh air, medication if necessary, all these things are good steps to take. Take extra care of yourself buddy.

i nearly broke up with my boyfriend yesterday but we made up and i felt like sharing a recipe i came up with (i think) shortly before we started talking to each other again. [quote]"Sparkling Chocolate Shake" or an "Ice Cream Sunk" 1-2 standard size scoops of chocolate ice cream 1 12floz (355ml) can or bottle of cream soda (i suggest [URL="http://amzn.com/B0029K57TS"]IBC brand[/URL]) • Chill cream soda over night until very cold. I recommend you set set your refrigerator between 36f/2c and 42f/6c • Scoop ice cream into pint glass, press down gently. Don't pack it into the bottom. • Pour cream soda very quickly over ice cream until foam is nearly at the top. It should rise above the rim but not overflow. • Stick a spoon and straw in there and enjoy![/quote]

The conflicting inner voices sure like to make things unnecessarily hard. When I've had some people specifically tell me: "You can talk to me whenever you feel like it. Whenever you feel down". And then having that inner voice "say" things along the lines: "Don't do it man! You're just stepping on their toes if you speak of your woes. They just said so out of courtesy. Nobody really gives a shit for real, nobody wants to hear your crap about how you're anxious and tearful? But I should just take a deep breath and go for it, instead of letting it boil inside.

[QUOTE=Sunday_Roast;48545065]The conflicting inner voices sure like to make things unnecessarily hard. When I've had some people specifically tell me: "You can talk to me whenever you feel like it. Whenever you feel down". And then having that inner voice "say" things along the lines: "Don't do it man! You're just stepping on their toes if you speak of your woes. They just said so out of courtesy. Nobody really gives a shit for real, nobody wants to hear your crap about how you're anxious and tearful? But I should just take a deep breath and go for it, instead of letting it boil inside.[/QUOTE] Problem is one never knows unless one goes for it. People can and do say things only for courtesy's sake, but many others are willing to spend some of their time to talk to people and listen to their problems. You'll never really find out unless you give them the benefit of the doubt, and this is coming from somebody who had trust issues in the past. If your inner voice says this to you again, I'd squash it and just carry on with trying to open up to people like it never said anything.

I regret my life's choices. I should've just went and tried for a business major but instead tried to get a MSW. I almost have my BA in behavioral science and jump into MSW but oh man does any liberal art major future looks completely bleak. I can't afford to stay any more longer at college, I have no parents to support me, no job, and don't know what to do with my life. I'm literally barely living and really grateful to some low income government assistance. I wish I could do business now, but I don't know how universities work and this University doesn't give a shit about it's students. I'm jealous of hearing how easy the job outlook is for business/technology students right after graduation and making bank. Life is too hard

[QUOTE=GURREN LAGANN;48546301]I regret my life's choices. I should've just went and tried for a business major but instead tried to get a MSW. I almost have my BA in behavioral science and jump into MSW but oh man does any liberal art major future looks completely bleak. I can't afford to stay any more longer at college, I have no parents to support me, no job, and don't know what to do with my life. I'm literally barely living and really grateful to some low income government assistance. I wish I could do business now, but I don't know how universities work and this University doesn't give a shit about it's students. I'm jealous of hearing how easy the job outlook is for business/technology students right after graduation and making bank. Life is too hard[/QUOTE] A friend of mine is a tech major and landed a job that earns them $25/hr, straight away. It's true, stem majors and business majors really rake in bank while social and mental health services get pretty shafted (unless you practice privately or do office work). I commend you for going for your masters, it isn't easy and cheap. That said, no money means two openings: loans or job hunting. Social work don't particularly have many jobs available without prior work experience or licensing or so forth. That said, if you find one, it'd be fantastic to hang on to that and earn that experience right away, while making money to save up. Loans is a shortcut but I don't advise something that'd drive you further into financial turbulence. I'm unsure if its possible for your school, but if you want to change majors, you could try speaking to your advisor to get an idea on what to do. It'd be more of a financial strain on you as you'd have to spend more time on something else, but if you feel like you'd be most happy in that field, then I'd suggest speaking to your advisor first. Life is hard for those who want to do things outside of the norm. I thought life would be awesome after graduating from college with a major in psychology, but the market had become so bloated that I'm waving a fancy paper that doesn't even pass bar minimum for psych majors. This is PSA for anyone else in college: Research your major, job prospects, pay, so on. It'll save you the heartache if you want to do one thing but end up realizing another thing. Do what you love, but do what lets you survive.

What are you doing now with that Psych? Yeah the advisors here are terrible. I spent a whole month getting referred to here and there because none of the advisor didn't know how to help with my current situation. That said, I did try out a business class a while ago in community college (accounting) and it kicked my ass left and right, so I went with Social Work since it was my interest. I also had my mom's support financially. Then boom, out of nowhere she passed to a stroke and now I'm sure the best route for me is to pursue like a MIS or something to make money. I'd have to take all the prerequisite courses to business then and lord that would cost so much and blow about a year of time.

[QUOTE=GURREN LAGANN;48547056]What are you doing now with that Psych? Yeah the advisors here are terrible. I spent a whole month getting referred to here and there because none of the advisor didn't know how to help with my current situation. That said, I did try out a business class a while ago in community college (accounting) and it kicked my ass left and right, so I went with Social Work since it was my interest. I also had my mom's support financially. Then boom, out of nowhere she passed to a stroke and now I'm sure the best route for me is to pursue like a MIS or something to make money. I'd have to take all the prerequisite courses to business then and lord that would cost so much and blow about a year of time.[/QUOTE] I work as a direct support professional (care worker with fancy title). Closest thing that is remotely relevant to my field that accepted me. Its more paper work, red tape, and such than actual care work. Pay is garbage but I'm surviving. Sounds like your school is one of those for-profit schools that are more focused on getting tuition and kids out. I know how that feels. Yeah, like I said, it'd be a financial drain. Its better to work with what you have now, but set up a goal for the future. Seek out employment opportunities. If you were gunning for a MWS, I assume you've already gotten your BA/BS? Having that already opens up some opportunities, though frankly not a lot.

Also Thanks again to everyone in here giving me a little boost. We are scheduled to have an weekend of practicing with the new band next week :)

get em tiger i sold my drums after i decided that i'll never get better at them. probably one of the few things i regret i'm a poor student so i can't buy another drum kit. i'm gonna get a practice pad and some sticks and brush up on my rudiments tho don't make the same mistake. be great

I've worked at a family business for 8 years, and I feel worn down from all the countless drama that comes with it and because of that, I've chosen to shut myself off from other family members. The biggest impact in my life that really hurt me emotionally was losing friends, I lost the people I could talk to if I had a problem, I've lost my will to smile, customers notice I don't ever smile, reluctant to tell them why whenever they ask. I know that if I committed suicide, I know no one will miss me. I feel truly alone in this world, and I don't have any friends to keep my hopes up, I choose to live my day over and over, hoping that it'll get better.

I asked a friend who said I can count on her for emotional support and she said yesterday that she would be here for me today but I haven't heard a word from her and today is fucking over. I keep blaming myself asking myself why the fuck I thought she actually meant it that I knew she didn't care and didn't want to help me the whole time and she had no intention of being there and why the fuck did I think I deserved to get some help when I asked and that this [I]always[/I] happens and it [I]always[/I] will and why do I even keep trying. Even though I know that it's all probably completely false. But not knowing the truth means that the truth can be anything and then my mean old imagination of mine goes stupid crazy. I just want to know what is going on but I am afraid that if I ask it will come across as obsessive and needy and clingy and creepy.

I'm currently on risperdal/risperidone and it's said to help irritability in autism, problem is is that I gained a lot of weight being on the medication. I've lost most of it now, but I want to lose more. PROBLEM IS, last time I tried lowering the dosage I felt like I acted stranger than normal and started getting really worried about it, so I got back on my normal dosage (I talked to the doctor before I did all of this). Now I'm just afraid I'll never lose this weight if I stay on this medication and it's really bringing me down, I'm not sure what to do. I'm going to talk to my doctor about this of course, but I just want someone elses input

[QUOTE=Aldawolf;48550594]I'm currently on risperdal/risperidone and it's said to help irritability in autism, problem is is that I gained a lot of weight being on the medication. I've lost most of it now, but I want to lose more. PROBLEM IS, last time I tried lowering the dosage I felt like I acted stranger than normal and started getting really worried about it, so I got back on my normal dosage (I talked to the doctor before I did all of this). Now I'm just afraid I'll never lose this weight if I stay on this medication and it's really bringing me down, I'm not sure what to do. I'm going to talk to my doctor about this of course, but I just want someone elses input[/QUOTE] You'll feel weird coming off any medications as they all have withdrawal effects. I stopped mine cold turkey and I felt really off for about 2 weeks.

[QUOTE=Qaus;48543523]recipe[/QUOTE] not to be a bother but i was wondering if anyone had tried this yet. i'm curious to see if other people like it.

[QUOTE=elitehakor;48548709]get em tiger i sold my drums after i decided that i'll never get better at them. probably one of the few things i regret i'm a poor student so i can't buy another drum kit. i'm gonna get a practice pad and some sticks and brush up on my rudiments tho don't make the same mistake. be great[/QUOTE] That shit is fucking sad. Really hope you'll get back to it too. And thanks for the experience info. I love you.

Just curious if when any of you feel sad or depressed, sometimes for no reason or because something triggered you to feel saddened, do you want to stay that way? Do you not want to see or hear anything that could potentially put you in a better mood and make you feel better? Is this just me or, do other people do this to themselves, too? And if so, why? Why is it that when I feel sad, I actually go out of my way to keep feeling sad? Hell, I was e even hesitant to hop on Facepunch because I thought I might see something that would make me smile or laugh. Is there something wrong with me? Do others do this, too? Is there a name for this?

This guy I've loved for god knows how long doesn't love me back and started to date someone else, fuck this is a shitty feeling. Doesn't help that I'm insanely jealous about it as well. Idk if I'm being over dramatic or what. [QUOTE=IceTea;48552064]Just curious if when any of you feel sad or depressed, sometimes for no reason or because something triggered you to feel saddened, do you want to stay that way? Do you not want to see or hear anything that could potentially put you in a better mood and make you feel better? Is this just me or, do other people do this to themselves, too? And if so, why? Why is it that when I feel sad, I actually go out of my way to keep feeling sad? Hell, I was e even hesitant to hop on Facepunch because I thought I might see something that would make me smile or laugh. Is there something wrong with me? Do others do this, too? Is there a name for this?[/QUOTE] I'm like this as well, honestly I'm not completely sure, I guess sometimes I think I'm more self aware that way if that makes any sense at all.