Depression, anxiety, suicidalism and similar disorders, issues and troubles V3 - Discussion, help an - General

Fuck man whats the point anymore? Everything I do, everything I wanted, its all for nothing. All my attempts and trying does nothing but pointless and short livedness. I can't see anything going good for me in the future. Nothing in the future thats promising, I might as well off myself. Itried so hard to be optimistic for a cjange but god damnit I keep fucking up, im a weak ass bitch man fuck this, always the same shit man, ill be back in my "little status quotr" then ill have some other impossible dream or hope and get dsappointed aggain. Nothing helps, not religion, not science and not fucking hope man.. Whats the point of even tryin. I got nothing to be proud of my life just a bunch of lessions with no grades. Look at me now man, im fuckin pathetic man. Bitching like a fucking idiot on the internet with strangers, whining bout shit I cant change to people who properly dont care. Nno im not going to fix my typos, I dont fucking care about anything anymore. I domt even know wh I post this.

[QUOTE=Iago;41089944]Bitching like a fucking idiot on the internet with strangers, whining bout shit I cant change to people who properly dont care.[/QUOTE] I care.. I don't know about the rest of you, but I feel like we're all responsible for each other because to a point we understand each other. That's more than I can say about anyone in my life.

I have been fighting against my depression, sickness and myself for nearly 5 years now. I honestly now feel as though I am completely drained of all my will to keep going. I feel as though nothing goes right. Nothing can ever just be good. There always has to be something in my way. When I got to the school I'm on now, which is special education for people who missed a lot of education or are otherwise unfit for a "normal school", I met this great girl. She is gorgeous. I used to talk to her on the bus, then have long conversations on the busstation.. till eventually we would intentionally miss out on busses just so we could talk more. I took her out to the movies and knew that I was pretty much in love. First time in all these years that I have felt anything other than misery. I later told her, that I really liked her. She said the same about me. This was the first time I've ever had a girlfriend and the first time I really felt connected to anyone. Her life was very similiar to mine, she had the same problems I did and we would talk about that for hours. Then, after 2 weeks orso of us actually being together, she got sick. Nausea, headaches and all that shit. Now she barely leaves the house. I can't visit her and she can't visit me. I was and still am devastated. After 3 months of this I decided to tell her how stressful it is for me not to be able to ever see her. We agreed that it would be better to take it easy and go our seperate ways for the time being. It's been 3 months since then and nothing has changed. She still feels sick every day and I feel empty once again. We still text every week.. but even that just doesn't feel right. I would honestly do anything just to see her again. I just wish, that for once, something could go according to plan. Just something that could just be the way I want it to be.

Venting to people helps, even if you think it doesn't, it does. I thought no one cared but people do believe it or not.

[IMG]http://i.imgur.com/DpOMNPM.png[/IMG] Good to know my misfortune is giving others their pleasure.

School was the main reason of my depression. I 'graduated' from mandatory school around 2-3 weeks ago (who keeps track of time) and it has just been going worse and worse. I have no reason to be depressed when I put my life out infront of me, trying to figure it out only gives me unpleasant memories that makes me feel worse. But there's nothing going on at the moment which would put me in this state. [editline]21st June 2013[/editline] Also the feeling of being overlooked seems to be overcoming me. I know I'm not anyone special, but it still makes me feel really shitty whenever nobody responds to me, but responds to others.

I feel as though I can't act normal around others my age. I am a very socially awkward person, and when I talk to people, usually they try to find a way to end the conversation, or just short answer me. I mean, I don't think I'm an annoying person or anything, but I just don't know how to properly talk to others, I guess. I feel pretty lonely at school. I have many acquaintances, but no one I actually hang out with, or trust. I've also recently lost a few "close" friends I had. Maybe I'm just looking to hard for a good friend? I just want someone who I feel comfortable around. Sometimes even on facepunch I feel like a complete idiot.

Ok. Fuck. I am confused as hell and I no longer have any clue what's wrong with me. Let me explain. I don't know where to really start, but I'll just start somewhere. I guess the best place to begin is to give a quick synopsis of my life: So, throughout high school I had episodes of depression. A couple of times I had actually attempted suicide and almost succeeded at several of them. During this period of my life, I can honestly say I was a completely different person. Lost. Confused. Hopeless. I would take my anger out a lot on my family (especially since my family was very aggressive with their anger as well). Yet somehow when I was around my friends (though I didn't have too many) or others, I managed to be the most energetic, happy, and fun individual. I also tended to act out a lot, being the one to talk in class, cause disturbances, and get in trouble. I also drank a lot, vandalized, did some drugs, and generally didn't give a fuck. I had attention problems out the wazoo and it wasn't uncommon to see me sleeping in class or doodling. I also was extremely messy (my room at my home was probably the most disgusting place you could imagine, I remember finding a bag of five-month old taco bell under my bed once), unorganized, and irresponsible. Never took notes. My bookbag was a walking bombshell. And I never really did my homework. I did well in school though, taking AP classes as well as being in my school's gifted program - ending up with a 3.9 gpa at the end. After graduating and going to college, everything got better and everything got worse. Well. First everything got better. My roommate became one of my closest friends and helped me to become a much better person. He taught me the values of cleaning, being organized, and looking presentable. I also began to learn about science, philosophy, and exposing myself to art. Needless to say, I started to become a mature and intelligent individual. During this freshman year of college I really came out of my shell. My social anxieties ceased to exist and I began to amass a plethora of amazing friends. I started to become known as that fun, caring, and optimistic guy that you could just have a good time with. Things started to look up. Then everything began to get worse. My attention span began to decrease, my responsibility began to wean, and I began to become more and more wreckless. By the end of the second quarter, I was partying every single weekend while pulling several all-nighters a week to get all of my work done (I went to SCAD - which forces you to do LOTS of hours of tedious work). I also began to have the episodes of depression every now and again. I started to discuss all this with one of my friends who had ADHD and she ended up telling me "Jacob...you are one of the most ADHD people I have ever met. You should probably go to someone to get that checked out." I began to think about it, and it made a little sense. That convinced me to go see a psychiatrist. Well, I got diagnosed with ADHD and they stuck me on some pills. They helped. Everything got better. The end of the year came around and I had passed all my classes with flying colors. Then my sophomore year came rolling around. Instead of everything getting better then getting worse - everything went to shit and then later went to being amazing. The beginning of the quarter, I just flat out fell into a complete mental breakdown. I'll describe the breakdown a little bit: Was reading a book, the words on the page stopped making sense, stood up to go grab some water, when I grabbed the water I started to bawl my eyes out, thought to myself "holy fuck, this isn't right", began to take myself to the guidance office, halfway there - I stopped crying and thought I was okay, then I snapped out of that delusion and was like "no...that's not ok", continued to the office, when I got in the office I began to bawl my eyes out for no reason again, that lasted for about an hour. After that breakdown, the guidance office sent me to their own psychiatrist who ended up diagnosing me with bipolar disorder. I was like...ok... that makes sense I guess? Well after that I went through several months of going through different psychiatrists and psychologists as well as a myriad of pills. You name it, I probably have taken it. Then around the beginning of January I was like - fuck ALL of this. I am tired of the pills, tired of the doctors, tired of feeling like I have to be processed in order to function properly. So I decided to take it on myself to find an alternative. I changed my entire diet to a hardcore healthy one, started to exercise daily, and I started to meditate daily. Within a month my life had made a complete 180. I had winged myself off all the medication, became super motivated, became extremely happy, and seemed to have cured all my ailments. Well... today changed that. And that's why I am here. The past couple of days I have been noticing an increase in my irritability of small things (e.g. yesterday I started to scream at my computer because I was having trouble putting back in a screw after installing a new HDD). I ignored it and just passed it off as silly frustration. Well, woke up this morning feeling COMPLETELY different than how I usually feel. No energy, no motivation, a weird sadness. I even got pissed off at a remote control (I know). I am confused again. I am feeling depressed for ABSOLUTELY no reason. This whole past month I had been feeling the happiest, most motivated, and most creative I have ever felt in my entire life. I don't know really what I have. Is it ADHD? Bipolar? Both? Every psychiatrist and psychologist I have gone to has diagnosed me with something different and I just don't know anymore... And I don't know if I should seek help either. WTF is wrong with me? EDIT: Sorry for this post seeming like it was half-assed... I rushed some of the sentences simply because I am feeling so unmotivated to do anything right now. Wanted to get it all out as fast as I could. sorry.

-snip-

I think I have social anxiety. I find it totally impossible to talk to anyone unless they talk to me first, and even then it's still difficult for me to carry a conversation. And it makes me pretty sad that I have no choice but to lock myself in my basement all day until I go back to school because I have no friends due to social anxiety and not having a job. Might as well come here with people who actually understand social anxiety and not waste my time trying to make someone who's never experienced it try to understand what it's like.

just got a reply from a school I applied to, great I'll be studying for a job I have no interest in and once I start studying I won't get any money from my government anymore, so I'll have to study something I have zero interest in and work four or five shifts a week (evening or night shifts) so I can pay for rent, bills and food. I'll be lucky to get six hours of sleep a night and any free time at all, and this will be going on for the next three years whoever said doing anything at all will help was a fucking idiot

My cutting's just getting worse and worse and I cannot seem to stop at all, even though there's some pretty good things in my life right now. For the first time, I had to go to the doctor's to get one checked out and stitched up (but I didn't get them done as I'd left it a few days before actually going, just got some weird sticky gauze pads and advice and shit)

I have $125 in Olive Garden gift cards. Tomorrow, I'm going out on a date. With nobody. Because that's who loves me mutually.

--snip snip -- [SUP]Edit: heh apparently I was sorta kinda killing ze thread here, and I rather think it has a noble purpose - so allow me to just do a "grecuful" abandon so it has any whatsoever chance to rise up and semi-live again[/SUP]

Well, this thread is dead.

[QUOTE=Abrown516;41163896]I have $125 in Olive Garden gift cards. Tomorrow, I'm going out on a date. With nobody. Because that's who loves me mutually.[/QUOTE] Yeah don't know why but that sounds awfully familiar :P Funny or sad , my natural tendency of making light of every situation with a dose of twisted self-deprecating humor to cover the fact how totally broken I am, made me at first glance read that as: "I'm going out on a date with myself, because that's the only person that loves me mutually" Yes, I'm blind or high, but that misinterpretation kinda felt comforting because I thought you were making a pun but also maybe through the sarcasm telling though even you feel unlovable - you accept that and yourself, but now i see that there's not yet any room for that context. And I'd like to say that IF you do dislike/hate/despise/ignore the person you see in the mirror - please stop. You might prefer you were born in a different life with a different view on life - but the fact of the matter is the one that you actually were given in the first place is not entirely the outcome of your own doing. IE it is not entirely your fault that for whatever reason people in real life don't stick to you as they do on that god awful "Friends" show. It's all brain-chemistry, hormones, origin, parenting, peers, bad experience and influence. Those factors determine that you are a burdened mind right now and not your free-will or soul's decision to doom any socially good opportunity you have been given in your life so far. Once you try and accept that, I'm not saying you will "love" yourself because that's bullshit - but you will learn stop giving a flying dookie and go on with your life with a healthier dose of comfort and distance to it while focusing on the joys it has left ie. hobbies, internet personas etc - and if one day that feeling of content and impressing ability to adapt to the cruelties of life starts positively rubbing off on other people - love might just actually be the one to make the first step without you even realizing it yet. I'm not sure how bullshit or preachy that came out - but that's the way I would like to see it for you in the future and that's the kind of hope I'll cling on to :P

I've been hearing someone calling out my name for the last hour. It's like a whisper in my ear everytime, but there is nothing there. It have happened before as well. Any idea what this could be? I'm getting freaked out.

So here I am, 3 am, lying in my bed with my boxers and a shirt on, my night lamp on realising what a mess my life is. Tried to get high earlier tonight, didn't manage it very well, so to not feel totally depressed I took a snus and leaned out my window with a smoke hoping to get a nicotine kick. Is this what I'm living for? Getting drunk, high and the only kicks I get are from nicotine. I'm a desperate boy with a troubled dad, a room constanly a mess, failing school. I can't even take care of my guniea pigs very well, no matter how much I love them. And what am I doing? Not trying to make things better, I'll tell you that. I just want to go away to a place where I can be all alone, where I can think, about myself who I am and what I am living for. I just want to be alone. I'm 17, soon I'll be an adult, but I sure as hell don't feel like one. I feel miserable, I'm depressed yet I am not, confused, lazy. I don't even know anymore, I just want to be alone.

Every night I make the same decision to go to sleep, and every morning I make the same mistake of waking up.

what can i even do when i just feel worse when taking ssri? i'm at the verge of breakdown now and it's probably not going to stop for a while

I'd like to post my entire life story of depression, but I don't think I'm ready to let that all out on an internet forum just yet. Long story short, bullied and treated like shit. Teased for my height, looks, and a rumor that went around my freshman year. Tried to kill myself 4 times. However, by the end of Kairos during my senior year, everyone looked at me and knew what I had been through because of how they treated me, and the months since Kairos (nov/2011) people continue to message me and say how awful they are for doing what they did to me. I, being the gentleman that I am, (lol), forgive them, mostly. Currently on Prozac and Intuniv and have been one happy motherfucker. Been happy for about 3 years now. College is lots of fun and I'm making many friends, unlike in my early years of HS where everyone was out to get me. There are the occasional asshole or bitch that I have to deal with, but its always temporary. TL;DR shit gets better, always has, always will. If any of you guys think of giving up, don't. Life does get better. I used to think what was the point and all that, but life really does get better once people around you and yourself mature and gain perspective. There is always hope, never forget that.

I had a dream some weeks ago. Somehow it was a good dream for a change, infact it was so good dream it haunted me awake for few days. I had a girlfriend in that dream, average looking and all but still a girlfriend. I remember only few moments with her but those felt the best moments for a long long time. Then i woke up, gathered my mind for a moment. But when i realized it was all a dream, it was just horrible feeling. She kinda felt like soul mate in that dream, and ofcourse it had to be just dream again. And when the reality hit that i can't get a girlfriend ever it just crashed me for a while. But now i am back in the numbing comfort routines. Trying to hold it all back again, somewhere deep. I just... i just wish i had dreams, goals in my life left. And for above poster. Maybe i am just paranoid as hell but what i have noticed is that people don't change that much. They just become better at hiding their true opinions. And it haunts me everyday at work. I want to be perfect. i want to do my work fast. But whatever i do i can't do it as good or fast. And i don't care if i have 7-8 years less work experience. My mind doesnt see it that way. For my current job i have total of 1,5 months of work experience. And that month i did last year. Sorry for wall of text.

[QUOTE=PredGD;41202542]I've been hearing someone calling out my name for the last hour. It's like a whisper in my ear everytime, but there is nothing there. It have happened before as well. Any idea what this could be? I'm getting freaked out.[/QUOTE] If it's any consolation this happens to me whenever I'm really tired, I'll hear my name being called out then some noises will accompany them, around my house I've discovered that certain rooms have different noises. The kitchen sounds like my mother making cakes, the lounge sounds like someone is watching a game show and the dining room sounds like plates, forks and knives. The oddest thing is that these noises will lure me into the rooms only for me to find to my horror that the rooms are dark, empty and silent. It can be quite frightening when you are home alone hearing voices/noises so just take precautionary measures to make sure you get to bed early so you aren't tired and so that if you do hear the noises at least the rooms won't be dark. Sorry I don't know more than this.

[QUOTE=PredGD;41202542]I've been hearing someone calling out my name for the last hour. It's like a whisper in my ear everytime, but there is nothing there. It have happened before as well. Any idea what this could be? I'm getting freaked out.[/QUOTE] Yeah I use to hear familiar sounds too when I', usually "zoned out", super focused, or tired. It's pathetic of me considering I only hear steam notifications, ipod notifications, and xbox notifications. [editline]30th June 2013[/editline] I wouldn't worry about it honestly, though if you start to hear full sentences I would get that checked out.

I dont remember what i got perscribed to deal with my Bipolar, all i remember is it gave me panic attacks, i stopped taking it and kept with my "I dont need medicine ill go at it head on" mentality, i dont recommend it but i've always been like it.

I got put on prozac this morning. I don't know how big of a deal that is.

I wish somebody I don't know would just pm me when I'm this lonely

Two days ago I asked my best friends little sister how she was doing, to the immediate reply of "Dude, stop texting me". I felt like shit. The next day, I get a text saying "Ay fucker! Sorry about that yesterday! Think you could give me a ride from my moms house? I'll pay for gas and buy you food." So in my head I can't stop saying "What in the god damn fuck, are you serious?" So, I text to make sure gas is covered, because I was borrowing $40 from my dad just to fucking help her out. A 2 hour drive later, almost hitting the ass end of a Ford Mustang slamming on my brakes to avoid it, and almost getting side swiped by a Honda Civic, I get there. Now, I had my friends girlfriend along so I had GPS, so immediately once I get there they leave to go have their girl talk or whatever in the fuck. I talk to my friends mom and tell her how confused I am, being told by her daughter to stop talking to her then the next fucking day she wants a ride home from me, so she harps on her a bit but she's like "I apologized". Really? We get back to the desert, and she immediately wants nothing to do with me, she wouldn't even say goodbye to me like she saw me as a friend, it was then I realized I'm nothing more than a tool. A fucking tool. I wish I was dead.

I just feel so bad

Me too. I can't fall asleep without my feelings coming back. I'm waiting for someone to take time to herself until she decides to respond to me and decide where we'll go with our relationship. It's a lot easier said than done when all you want in life is their love and they're ignoring you until they decide whether you're worth it or not.