Depression, anxiety, suicidalism and similar disorders, issues and troubles V3 - Discussion, help an - General

i don't even remember my name i can't remember where i am or what's been happening. everything i type is word salad i'm having a ptsd attack.

ive been drifting apart from my best friend, who i have secretly loved for 3 years, ever since she told me she wanted to transfer schools and it's to the point where we haven't seen each other in well over a month. last week she had asked to hang out for the 4th time and i just said fuck it and made some time for her. and she completely forgot. i know i could have talked to her first but i was looking for some sort of validation that i still mattered. in the end all she said today to me was some gibberish regarding a song i sent her on spotify a while back and not a word about our plans. ive got to come to grips with really losing someone i really, really care about for the first time and it sucks.

I dunno where else to post this, so sorry if it seems like I'm putting my problems before others. It's a copy paste from a previous post I made about 10 minutes earlier. Basically, I'm hurting pretty bad inside and I dunno what else to do, so I'll just vent here. Sorry if my grammar is in shambles. Earlier this morning, I got a message on FB from one of my irl friends asking me to call him. So I did. As soon as I got on the phone with him, within the confines of his tone, I could tell that he was upset about something. So after a few moments of awkward idle chat, I ask him what the trouble is, if there is any. He tells me that his dad took away his credit card and won't be getting it back until he pays him back for gas money. He said he was gonna get GTA V and all that shit with it and now he can't. Hearing this, it's hard for me to be sympathetic, because I myself don't have a credit card or any of that fancy shit, and I think it's a perfectly agreeable reason to deny use, that is, if he really owes him a lot. However, I thought that now is not the time to be cold and say any of that, so I sit there for a while in silence as he seethes down the other end of the receiver, trying to formulate some comforting words. This proved futile, however, as he cuttingly asks me "So what do you do, huh?". I'm sort of blown back by the sudden rise in tone. He goes on and starts to have a go at me, saying that I would never have to worry about important stuff like this. I'm still silent for a second, and then I speak up, telling him that it's because I could never really afford to worry about all that. He starts 'remarking', telling me that the "Old Jeremy" would've wanted to, so he could fit in and have friends and have a life like everyone else. All I could say at that point was "What are you talking about" because it has completely turned off the subject of a credit card and into an attack on me. He tells me that I have no life outside of my house or my computer and that I couldn't even keep down my previous job, which sort of hit me in the stomach. I tried to tell him that things were out of my control and that I'm really trying, but he would cut me off to remind me of how much of a loser I was when I was in school, and how 'we used to make fun of you all the time'. I remained silent once again, not knowing what emotion to assign all of these thoughts too. He then asks me "Where's your girlfriend?". And with that, I hang up before he can cut into me any more. I just dragged off into bed and started sobbing for about 30 minutes before just forcing myself to sleep. I've known him for around 9 years and I know how he gets sometimes, but he's never had a mood whiplash like this. It's churning my guts. Everything he said had inklings of truth in it, which makes it even worse. This guy is the last real friend that I have outside of the Internet. I just dunno what to feel about this. I've got every emotion running through my head and I just can't feel anything. I'm hurt by all of this, but I don't want to lose him. It's almost like Stockholm Syndrome. I know it's a 'wait and see' type of thing, but I just don't like this thought of being almost completely friendless out here. So I guess we'll see.

[QUOTE=Mysterious;42264048]I dunno where else to post this, so sorry if it seems like I'm putting my problems before others. It's a copy paste from a previous post I made about 10 minutes earlier. Basically, I'm hurting pretty bad inside and I dunno what else to do, so I'll just vent here. Sorry if my grammar is in shambles. Earlier this morning, I got a message on FB from one of my irl friends asking me to call him. So I did. As soon as I got on the phone with him, within the confines of his tone, I could tell that he was upset about something. So after a few moments of awkward idle chat, I ask him what the trouble is, if there is any. He tells me that his dad took away his credit card and won't be getting it back until he pays him back for gas money. He said he was gonna get GTA V and all that shit with it and now he can't. Hearing this, it's hard for me to be sympathetic, because I myself don't have a credit card or any of that fancy shit, and I think it's a perfectly agreeable reason to deny use, that is, if he really owes him a lot. However, I thought that now is not the time to be cold and say any of that, so I sit there for a while in silence as he seethes down the other end of the receiver, trying to formulate some comforting words. This proved futile, however, as he cuttingly asks me "So what do you do, huh?". I'm sort of blown back by the sudden rise in tone. He goes on and starts to have a go at me, saying that I would never have to worry about important stuff like this. I'm still silent for a second, and then I speak up, telling him that it's because I could never really afford to worry about all that. He starts 'remarking', telling me that the "Old Jeremy" would've wanted to, so he could fit in and have friends and have a life like everyone else. All I could say at that point was "What are you talking about" because it has completely turned off the subject of a credit card and into an attack on me. He tells me that I have no life outside of my house or my computer and that I couldn't even keep down my previous job, which sort of hit me in the stomach. I tried to tell him that things were out of my control and that I'm really trying, but he would cut me off to remind me of how much of a loser I was when I was in school, and how 'we used to make fun of you all the time'. I remained silent once again, not knowing what emotion to assign all of these thoughts too. He then asks me "Where's your girlfriend?". And with that, I hang up before he can cut into me any more. I just dragged off into bed and started sobbing for about 30 minutes before just forcing myself to sleep. I've known him for around 9 years and I know how he gets sometimes, but he's never had a mood whiplash like this. It's churning my guts. Everything he said had inklings of truth in it, which makes it even worse. This guy is the last real friend that I have outside of the Internet. I just dunno what to feel about this. I've got every emotion running through my head and I just can't feel anything. I'm hurt by all of this, but I don't want to lose him. It's almost like Stockholm Syndrome. I know it's a 'wait and see' type of thing, but I just don't like this thought of being almost completely friendless out here. So I guess we'll see.[/QUOTE] he sounds like a pathetic scum fucker dude...

Look, a comic I drew last night: [img]http://i.imgur.com/xdCvf1x.png[/img]

I don't know what I want to do with my life... I feel nothing but pain, sorrow and emptiness. things have become better since summer, it has, but I just can't appreciate the small things or the things which makes everything better... friends? I don't like them. what kind of friends do I want? am I a prick who judges everyone or am I just with the wrong people? why can't I appreciate what I have when things have become better? I find no fun or happiness in doing the things I love the most. I feel like I'm walking around in circles, like I'm living in a box. so what if I find what I want in my life? things won't change, every day will be the same. I'll sleep, I'll eat, I'll go to school, I'll go home or do something then I'll end the day with sleeping and repeat. there is no point in life, not from my perspective at least. I feel so out of touch with reality. it feels like I'm not here. what does it feel like? it feels like I'm an observer who is watching another person do what he does, it doesn't feel like this life is mine. my body doesn't feel like it's mine. thoughts which are not even mine will talk to me occasionally. I enjoy the thoughts of killing another person. what the fuck is wrong with me? or what the fuck is wrong with whoever is me? who am I? why am I here? is it me who is me with another mind in my head or am I the other mind with another person? I, or whoever I am, just want to go to sleep and never wake up again. not killing myself or harming myself, simply going to sleep and just never wake up again.

Early this year I moved from my home town, surrounded by the people I'd grown up with and cared for to a house in the middle of nowhere, miles from civilization and my original home town. Gradually I feel as if I'm becoming more isolated from the outside world, out of all of my friends whom I've spent so much time with and grown up with I now regularly speak to one of them when Im lucky. I'm unemployed, can't yet drive and I'm stuck here. Yes there's facebook, skype, twitter etc that I can keep in touch with my old friends but it's just not the same, and the fact that none of them bother to ever speak to me any more, and the idea that they seem to have all but forgotten about me hurts more than I could ever describe. I've tried to rekindle these friendships but they just seem to die again after a day or two. It may seem trivial to a lot of people but to someone who has grown up caring about so many people, this isolation living in the middle of nowhere is causing me to feel majorly depressed. What do guys? Please cheer me up, because I am sick and tired of feeling alone, it's really getting to me.

Everyone is turning out to be something else underneath, my list of friends grow thinner and thinner. On some aspects, this world is simply FUCKED UP. [editline]23rd September 2013[/editline] [QUOTE=CanadianBill;42266103]Look, a comic I drew last night: [img]http://i.imgur.com/xdCvf1x.png[/img][/QUOTE] Oh, this happened a few days before for me too. Except the numbers are 1 and 2.

That friend from earlier called me up at 5 am, crying. He said that his mom and dad were leaving eachother and neither of them want him. Then he said he was gonna kill himself. I tried my best to talk him out of it, but he just kept crying. It feels kinda selfish to post this when it's not even about me, but I dunno what to do now. I've been shaken ever since that and I feel sick just thinking about it. I told my parents about it and they're going down there now. I'm such a pussy that I decided to stay, I couldn't bear to be near all that, even though I know him better than anyone. I just want this all to be over.

If you need someone to vent to Skype: sfmg42

[QUOTE=FacepunchZen;42293333]If you need someone to vent to Skype: sfmg42[/QUOTE] This guy is awesome.

So i'm at a club right now. My friends are all dancing and i'm just standing at the back contemplating suicide. How do they manage to dance infront of people without feeling a thing?

drink more

Parents are taking it pretty rough that I want to drop out of university and return to my 12 hour shifts at the paper factory. Tried comforting them with the fact they at least have a daughter with a degree, husband a house of her own but they didn't enjoy the comment.

[QUOTE=FloatingFish;42277876]Early this year I moved from my home town, surrounded by the people I'd grown up with and cared for to a house in the middle of nowhere, miles from civilization and my original home town. Gradually I feel as if I'm becoming more isolated from the outside world, out of all of my friends whom I've spent so much time with and grown up with I now regularly speak to one of them when Im lucky. I'm unemployed, can't yet drive and I'm stuck here. Yes there's facebook, skype, twitter etc that I can keep in touch with my old friends but it's just not the same, and the fact that none of them bother to ever speak to me any more, and the idea that they seem to have all but forgotten about me hurts more than I could ever describe. I've tried to rekindle these friendships but they just seem to die again after a day or two. It may seem trivial to a lot of people but to someone who has grown up caring about so many people, this isolation living in the middle of nowhere is causing me to feel majorly depressed. What do guys? Please cheer me up, because I am sick and tired of feeling alone, it's really getting to me.[/QUOTE] I have a similar issue. Granted, my situation involves less binding terms; they've gone to all sorts of different colleges, and I'm stuck local trying to just get rid of calculus (It's kickin' my ass hard, unacceptable for one who aspires to be an astronomer). Some of the friends I had didn't message me or anything. I wanted to assume that they're just busy living their respective lives, but a part of me kept believing they simply didn't care about me enough. I eventually ended up blowing up on my best friend about it. We talked for a bit, and he managed to convince me that online communication just isn't favorable. A lot of the friends I believed had forgotten me were just as friendly during the visits they've had during breaks. Point is, I don't think your relationships with your friends have died, so much as they are... Suspended, if that word's appropriate. That being said, in the meantime while you're stuck out in Nowhereistan, it might be advisable to seek out local entertainment, however sparse that may be. Wouldn't hurt to have a local friend at all, even in the scenario that you will eventually return to your hometown (Is the move permanent?). In the event that you actually really don't have anywhere to go at all, try and develop some hobbies or something. Just remember that your friends probably haven't forgotten, they just prefer to see you in person. Whatever you do, don't dwell on it either. Keep yourself occupied.

[QUOTE=Private Zoglow;42306672]drink more[/QUOTE] Quite possibly the worst advice i've ever seen

[QUOTE=CanadianBill;42266103]Look, a comic I drew last night: [img]http://i.imgur.com/xdCvf1x.png[/img][/QUOTE] what is that supposed to mean

[QUOTE=LVL FACTORY;42324513]what is that supposed to mean[/QUOTE] his girlfriend broke up, dummy (feel bad for bringing that up considering we're in this thread ughh)

Is it weird that I sort of feel at home in this thread? Just loads of people I can relate to in here.

So I found out last night....that my fiancee, ex fiancee now, of 6 years had sex with someone else a couple days ago, and a few days ago I started my treatment for hep c, which makes me reallly sick... and it hurts so fucking bad to know I was in bed throwing up feeling like I was dying and she was out screwing someone...someone who said they were my friend....and I can't even fucking cry because I am so fucking numb...I feel empty and I want to just die. I have to take another shot tonight and deal with the sickness all over again...on top of heartbreak, and I don't know if I can push through it again, I put so much into our relationship and I tried so fucking hard. What the fuck is wrong with me man? She's cheated before, but it was never this serious and it was years ago...I thought she'd learn, but I guess not... I just loved her so much...and I tried so hard to be a good boyfriend...I did... I did the best I could...and I feel so fucking worthless right now..

shes a bitch forget her

[QUOTE=Private Zoglow;42326584]shes a bitch forget her[/QUOTE] I'm actually doing that...I figure why bother. I'm 21 I look good, I workout and I have tons of "girl"friends...and I'm meeting more online (hahaha, guess what website guys!) Also she had bought me Tech n9ne concert tickets and I have em! So I get to go with someone else. :) I'm a free man! I am freaking free! I lucked out! Atleast we didn't get married! I fucking love this website! Just something about how we can all come together pushes me on. Thanks guys!

Drunk again. Again late evening/night thinking about sense of it all. Death. Life. Universe. I just don't know what to think anymore, i was optimisting 10 minutes ago, now i am covered in tears. I don't know who i am anymore. I don't wan't to suicide. I won't wan't to die. I get this feeling i will die soon. My whole life, 60 or so more years, they will just go like in 1 second or so. Or accident. I just feel like i will die soon. I can't find comfort in anything now. I just want to vent, sorry for this heavily disorganized post, it's just what i think, really, no edits. Who am i now. Is there god, i don't believe in one. No god would make a man suffer like that. Never. Sorry to anyone who read through that, i guess i need to vent, big time. Thank you for reading or something. I hope you have a better life than i do.

my gf is probably fucking someone else right now i got a snapchat of them on her bed i want to kill myself

[QUOTE=Ruski v2.0;42329684]my gf is probably fucking someone else right now i got a snapchat of them on her bed i want to kill myself[/QUOTE] Dude, man, I know you're pain bro. God I know it. Hey man you want my number? You can call me if you want. Vent to me bro! You're not alone!

When I go to bed at night I can hear the sounds of thousands of people having sex in the world around me. I always wonder why I had to be the unsociable one.

Some thoughts I've had. Girl troubles in college, yadda yadda, stuff happened. It's not about that, it's about the effects. We got along, I tried to open up to her, and then she just cut me off. I realize the mistakes I made, but I also acknowledge that she had some issues of her own. Some sorta schizoid personality is my best guess, but I'm not qualified to make such an assessment. I have since been going to a different college, and I've associated with 0 people from that college. In the previous one, I made all sorts of friends (and I took her on a date, big for a social goof like myself). I haven't felt compelled to make any more friends. I stick to intermittent PMs with old friends and chats with my little bro. I've wondered why I felt so compelled to ignore others and shut them out for a while. I think I know why now. As I said above, I know now (or at the very least, have a good idea) of why it didn't work out between me and this girl. However, I don't feel what I know. I think these thoughts that tell me that I've collected myself, learned from the experience, and moved on, but I still feel shitty about it. I feel- I can't shake such a feeling- that she saw what I was when I tried to open up to her and ignored me because on a deep level I'm a shitty person. Somewhere on some level I must have arrived at a conclusion that either I'm too shitty of a person to sow an intimate relationship with people, or perhaps that deep down everyone is as shitty as I am and to develop deep relationships with them will only yield more shit. Such a strange discrepancy between what I know and what I feel. I didn't realize how deeply it permeated my personality until a Steam buddy of mine tried to get me involved with his group of Space Station 13 players, and I found myself locking up when attempting to chat with them. To simply assimilate into a small, low-impact community triggers such anxiety in me. While such social distancing hasn't had a real negative impact on me, other than varying degrees of loneliness, I do hope that the psychiatrist I'll be seeing soon will have something for me. While I can live with exile for now, I know that things change. The friends too deeply rooted in my trust to be affected by this anxiety won't have time for me forever, people change and move, as will I. I've no intention of dying alone. I do wonder if anyone else has had similar experiences. I'd love to hear them. Any new angle I can look at this issue from is one that will help me better understand it.

So it's been 2 sessions so far in therapy. It's going good so far I guess. It's at least good to know that most of my problems are related to my subconscious and my trouble of fitting in, we think. I told her about a group chatroom that I hang out too often then. It's a gay chatroom where we just talk about random shit, but I mentioned that a good portion of people there are furries who like to point out that they're furries if you know what I'm saying. She had to find out what furries were, and I felt really bad when she told me that she googled it :suicide:, but she assured me she just looked it up on Wikipedia. Yeah she told me to stay away from them because clearly I won't find friendship there because she said it was apparently a "normal cry for help" and that I "shouldn't hang around people who metaphorically cry for help" The one thing I have a problem with is that it feels like she's treating me like someone who is clearly insane because she's agreeing with most of the shit I am saying and she changes the subject to something irrelevant such as the weather when I ask her to slow down with the difficult questions"

-snip im an idiot-

-snip, I'm an idiot-