Depression, anxiety, suicidalism and similar disorders, issues and troubles V3 - Discussion, help an - General

Been on Trazodone for a few weeks now and i tell you its really screwed with my perception of time. Its reminiscent of lower doses of LSD, I seem to just 'lose' an hour here or there and its quite disorientating. Not complaining though as it has done wonders for my sleep and its mood altering effects are slightly better than the Citalopram i was on previously. Ive also been given a shit load of Valium to take whenever i need them and they are Awesome (capital A). Drugs are great. Best bit is i don't have to pay for any of them cos Im a patient of the Intensive Home Healthcare team.

Posting this from the psych ward. Yay.

[QUOTE=GeneralSpecific;42337874]Posting this from the psych ward. Yay.[/QUOTE] They let you on computers in there? When I was in the psych ward last November pretty much the only fun website that wasn't blocked was TV Tropes. You might not enjoy your stay while you're there, but it made me realize that I needed to switch therapists and began to realize the root of all my problems. I'm still fairly depressed, but I'm at a lot better place than I was last year.

[QUOTE=cheetahben;42338276]They let you on computers in there? When I was in the psych ward last November pretty much the only fun website that wasn't blocked was TV Tropes. You might not enjoy your stay while you're there, but it made me realize that I needed to switch therapists and began to realize the root of all my problems. I'm still fairly depressed, but I'm at a lot better place than I was last year.[/QUOTE] I'm actually using a kindle. This isn't my first time, so I knew what to bring. I just hope things are different after this and I won't have to come back.

My life is objectively pretty great. Why am I sad all the time?

[QUOTE=Wealth + Taste;42338776]My life is objectively pretty great. Why am I sad all the time?[/QUOTE] I'm the same way, I got family, friends, hobbies, lots of money, and a pet to look after and I'm miserable all the damn time

Not completely related to my thoughts a few posts back (though not unrelated either). What do you do when you can't think of a reason of your own to peel yourself out of bed and try? I do everything because it's expected of me, because my family put so much time and effort into me. They keep telling me that going out and doing things will 'build soul', or help me find something I like- which they said about going away to college- and honestly I've never felt like less of a person since then. I don't feel like I'm living, I feel like I'm paying a debt. Sometimes, I think to myself that if they just didn't exist, if they were gone, and all of my friends were gone too, I could just die- peacefully. I don't even know if this should scare me anymore. What do people have that I don't? Where do you get your own reason to live? To try?

[QUOTE=Raxas;42339751]Not completely related to my thoughts a few posts back (though not unrelated either). What do you do when you can't think of a reason of your own to peel yourself out of bed and try? I do everything because it's expected of me, because my family put so much time and effort into me. They keep telling me that going out and doing things will 'build soul', or help me find something I like- which they said about going away to college- and honestly I've never felt like less of a person since then. I don't feel like I'm living, I feel like I'm paying a debt. Sometimes, I think to myself that if they just didn't exist, if they were gone, and all of my friends were gone too, I could just die- peacefully. I don't even know if this should scare me anymore. What do people have that I don't? Where do you get your own reason to live? To try?[/QUOTE] To try??? TO TRY??? There is no such bullshit as try. Only do, or do not. No try.

[QUOTE=LVL FACTORY;42344477]To try??? TO TRY??? There is no such bullshit as try. Only do, or do not. No try.[/QUOTE] Okay then Yoda, why 'do' in the first place? Why 'do not'?

Does anybody else feel the need to post here, yet they seem they shouldn't because they feel their problems are insignificant?

Skype: sfmg42 Steam: Jackie Chan Just a pretty chill dude alone in the wavy gravy sea of reality looking to guide other lost souls towards solid ground to rest their weary minds.

ahaha I hope this isn't a self fulfilling prophecy My shrink said that I seek fitting in. Today in English the teacher was being quite uh, unlikeable to me. His reactions to me asking to repeat the question were met "By god are you kidding me" (I have a hearing problem, he doesn't know it). I felt quite annoyed and unwanted. Then when I was explaining a character in a novel, I forgot this type of character. It wasn't a dynamic character, but it was something to do with shifting alliances. I just used the basic word of shifter and some of the more uh "popular" kids started cracking jokes or something over the situation. Continued to do it over the class. This sounds like something in grade like, 3 or something. I'm not even kidding this is in grade 12. But yeah anyways I felt really bad after that class, like I was unwanted. One of the guys had a history of making me feel like an ass and I have no clue what his problem is so I know it's not a joke. But I'm not even kidding I felt really hurt after that. [editline]30th September 2013[/editline] Looking back on my life, I never really learned to deal with disappointment. Most of my live had no problems until it really all hit me like a brick so I'm guess I'm overly sensitive.

snip

I can't hold it in anymore. I am so fucking sad. God I just want this to stop. I know i'm not alone, I know others know this pain, but God it feels like the universe is crashing around me and I can't stop it. I feel like there was never any love, and god it hurts so bad. I just want to go to sleep and not wake up. I have never wanted to die so much in my life. I seriously want to just end it all. I want a reason she did it, I want to be able to say I can fix myself. I want to fix it, whatever was wrong with me, so I can just fix it and it can get better. God I'll do it. Whatever it takes I'll fix it. I feel so lonely and worthless. I know I sound like a bitch, but I just don't want to end up killing myself. I feel so dropped. Like none of it matter. I did as good I could. Now it's as if i'm sinking...and I keep trying to find company in drugs... I am so broken... I just wanna give up on everything, I wanna stop taking these goddamn meds for my hep c, I don't want to wake up and feel so alone. I want to scream so loud..and I keep telling myself she's not gonna come back. I have never begged God to kill me, but right now it's all I can pray for. I just want a reason, a reason why I was so easily tossed to the side..a reason so I can just wake up and hate myself for that reason and not just hate myself as a whole.. I'm sorry for sounding like a bitch, I just...I feel so suicidal and it's the darkest battle I have ever fought with myself. I'm gonna keep fighting it though.

I recently started my senior year in high school. In three days it's my eighteenth birthday. My father recently divorced my mother and moved out. We might not be able to keep the house I've lived in since I was born and will have to move. The house we were looking at, that I really liked, was taken by someone else. I can't drive because of my anxiety and thus I can't really hold a job. I've been working with my counselor to get to the point of getting my license but he lives halfway across the country now and we can't afford to have sessions over skype but once or twice a month. I was hoping that this schoolyear would be different but I'm still sick a lot, some anxiety some crappy immune system, and it seems like my entire existence in the school consists of trying to get caught up. I rarely talk to anyone outside of classes and when I'm in class with them it feels like they're perpetually waiting for someone else to show up and start a conversation with them. It feels like the only teacher who even notices that I'm not good is my art teacher and that's only because I'm not able to stay on top of my work. I feel guilty about going to the doctor today because it cost eighty something dollars or whatever and we don't have that much to spend. My mom isn't doing well since the divorce and that doesn't help me. The past two times I've seen my dad he's been on the verge of tears because of the state I'm in and that doesn't help me. I've only seen him outright cry twice in my life. Both times were because he thought he was a bad dad. I don't really feel like I'm living more like I'm just stumbling through life from point a to point b. One of the only things that really brings me happiness is being creative but I don't know what to create. i want to make videos, and I fought really hard to get my youtube account in good copyright standing, but now I don't know what to make. i want to make videos about movies but I can't legally. I feel like everyone who's subscribed to me expects more videos about Bad Games but I don't want to make those; they're boring to make and give me no "creative joy" or whatever. I don't want to do game content because it's boring to make and it's already on every single youtube channel ever, but I've already set myself up on my solo channel and on my channel with my friend to make said content. I can't do movies so I don't know what else I could do. I've been working on these scripts for short films but I don't know if I should continue on them because if we have to move then I have to rewrite every one of them. I don't feel like I can talk about all of this to my mom because she feels guilty whenever I have anxiety about our situation and I don't want her to feel like that. I don't know what to do. I know it'll all be okay because there's literally no option but to move forward but it doesn't feel like it'll ever be okay.

[QUOTE=Daddy-of-war;42365322]I want a reason she did it, I want to be able to say I can fix myself. I want to fix it, whatever was wrong with me, so I can just fix it and it can get better. God I'll do it. Whatever it takes I'll fix it. I feel so lonely and worthless. I know I sound like a bitch, but I just don't want to end up killing myself.[/QUOTE] I understand the feeling. I can't speak for the magnitude, I know, but I get it. Me and that last girl never got serious, but she just started acting more disconnected one day, always saying she was busy, talking less, until eventually she just didn't talk to me at all. Wouldn't even look up from the pavement when I said hi to her as we passed by on a way to a class or wherever. I still don't know if it was me or her- it could have easily been her, she had more than her fair share of issues- but not knowing why, what went wrong, how you could have fixed it... Well, it eats away at you. I know you have it a [i]lot[/i] worse than me, but I do understand, and I wish you the best of luck.

[QUOTE=Raxas;42374467]I understand the feeling. I can't speak for the magnitude, I know, but I get it. Me and that last girl never got serious, but she just started acting more disconnected one day, always saying she was busy, talking less, until eventually she just didn't talk to me at all. Wouldn't even look up from the pavement when I said hi to her as we passed by on a way to a class or wherever. I still don't know if it was me or her- it could have easily been her, she had more than her fair share of issues- but not knowing why, what went wrong, how you could have fixed it... Well, it eats away at you. I know you have it a [i]lot[/i] worse than me, but I do understand, and I wish you the best of luck.[/QUOTE] Thanks bro...last night I was on the verge of just breaking. Then a friend of mine on Facepunch pulled me through. I said Goodbye to the old and hello to the new. Thank you for the kind words bro. :) You can't become a King by holding onto what makes you a peasant.

Ever get depression, loneliness and self hate manifesting itself as a feeling in your chest?

[QUOTE=Jookia;42378317]Ever get depression, loneliness and self hate manifesting itself as a feeling in your chest?[/QUOTE] Yes man, all the time. It sucks. So been talking to this one girl. Just added her on Facebook actually. (I know this is sad, stuff thread, but I wanna share a good note) Things have been going great. We're trying to set up a date, so that we can go out.

I think I may have triggered Depersonalization disorder.

This video is disturbing. I mean it. [video=youtube;4SGDHfcZVOg]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4SGDHfcZVOg[/video] [IMG]http://i.imgur.com/CqUFLJo.png[/IMG] This is why I'm still alive. When I'm at my worst and I'm trapped with no way out except suicide, the only thing that's saved me is the knowledge that it would completely destroy my family. Now that I've been released from the hospital, I'm changing some pretty significant things in my life in hopes of getting better. If you are suicidal, I need you to read this and believe it: There are people who care about you. I'm not going to tell you that it will all be okay or that it's a "permanent solution to a temporary problem." That's bullshit and anybody who says it doesn't know what they are talking about. I am telling you that you have people in your life who want you to be alive.

[QUOTE=GeneralSpecific;42403609]This video is disturbing. I mean it. [video=youtube;4SGDHfcZVOg]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4SGDHfcZVOg[/video] This is why I'm still alive. When I'm at my worst and I'm trapped with no way out except suicide, the only thing that's saved me is the knowledge that it would completely destroy my family. Now that I've been released from the hospital, I'm changing some pretty significant things in my life in hopes of getting better. If you are suicidal, I need you to read this and believe it: There are people who care about you. I'm not going to tell you that it will all be okay or that it's a "permanent solution to a temporary problem." That's bullshit and anybody who says it doesn't know what they are talking about. I am telling you that you have people in your life who want you to be alive.[/QUOTE] Jesus fucking christ, there are no words.

[QUOTE=GeneralSpecific;42403609]This video is disturbing. I mean it. [video=youtube;4SGDHfcZVOg]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4SGDHfcZVOg[/video] [IMG]http://i.imgur.com/CqUFLJo.png[/IMG] This is why I'm still alive. When I'm at my worst and I'm trapped with no way out except suicide, the only thing that's saved me is the knowledge that it would completely destroy my family. Now that I've been released from the hospital, I'm changing some pretty significant things in my life in hopes of getting better. If you are suicidal, I need you to read this and believe it: There are people who care about you. I'm not going to tell you that it will all be okay or that it's a "permanent solution to a temporary problem." That's bullshit and anybody who says it doesn't know what they are talking about. I am telling you that you have people in your life who want you to be alive.[/QUOTE] I hate the presumption that the greif of those close to you is worse than the personal anguish depression brings. I've lost people very close to me in the past and its never hurt nearly as bad as going day to day with this mental illness. People should be allowed to kill themselves without shame if hey need to. That video just made me fell angry it felt like a personal attack. I actually feel worse now

[QUOTE=Kenneth;42409111]I hate the presumption that the greif of those close to you is worse than the personal anguish depression brings. I've lost people very close to me in the past and its never hurt nearly as bad as going day to day with this mental illness. People should be allowed to kill themselves without shame if hey need to. That video just made me fell angry it felt like a personal attack. I actually feel worse now[/QUOTE] This wasn't an attack on you. Everybody's mental illnesses are different. Some aren't so bad and some are completely excruciating. For me personally, the pain of living is not yet at a level where I am 100% suicidal. I believe everybody has a right to end their own life when and how they want as long as they do not injure or kill another in the process. If you read my post completely, I never claimed that your family's grief is worse than your own pain. This was an assumption that you pulled out of thin air.

The post wasnt aimed at you, just the sentiment in general.

So I don't know whether to post this in the Friendly Social and Love Advice thread or here, since it's social anxiety related, but here goes. Every single friend I've ever met has been either introduced to me through a friend, or forced via circumstance to be friends (like a college roommate). I have serious issues with social anxiety, to the point where it's a phobia. I dread public activities, I missed out on prom in high school and four years of the "president's ball" here in college, I stay quiet in class and avoid eye contact when walking to class, and I have trouble with talking to people I don't know. It takes me a while to warm up to people, but when I do people have told me that I've got a good personality or whatever. I've also been told that I'm attractive, which ironically makes me feel worse since I don't feel that way about myself. I'm desperately lonely, though. 3 of my 6 roommates here have girlfriends who are over all the time, I get kicked out of my room because my roommate needs to fuck (thankfully not too often since his girlfriend lives in Jersey and we're in Connecticut), I've basically become the "advice guy" to two of the girlfriends because they have problems in their relationships. I've never been in a relationship but I am a psych major, so I guess I must be good at giving advice about what I would do if magically somebody decided they wanted to be with me. I'm really introverted. Unless my roommates force me out of the room to do stuff, I'm usually playing video games, browsing the internet, chatting to friends online who live in other towns. None of my close friends from home know any single women, none of my roommates or friends at college know any single women (ironic since my school is like 70% women, but my friends are all metal-heads/stoners and the school is quite preppy so I guess there's a counter-culture thing going on with them). Nobody's approaching me to get to know me. The only real opportunity to meet new people is for me to instigate it by acting first. And that's causing me so much fucking anxiety. I have too much anxiety to even introduce myself to people. It's this tightening of my chest, this fast heartbeat, this hypersensitivity to light and sound, this overwhelming self-conscious feeling, these racing thoughts, and I end up with that "fight or flight" response and my body's just screaming at me to get out of there. I'm on medication and in therapy, but I feel like it's not working. It's helping with the major depression, though, so now I'm only slightly depressed instead of near suicidal. I'm on Abilify, Welbutrin and Lexapro, but the Abilify is causing weight gain (I weigh 217lb now, I'm 5'11" so I should be ~170lb), and the Wellbutrin/Abilify might be causing muscle weakness since I've been having intense pain in my calf muscles when I walk uphill to get back to my dorm. I'm not sure what kind of therapy I'm in, I know it's not Cognitive Behavioral Therapy since my counseling center doesn't offer that due to lack of therapists (I can't afford to go anywhere except the town counseling center). I basically go every week to talk about my day, and while I like my therapist (she might be a counselor, dunno) I feel like other than simple, not helpful advice like going on a dating website or going to activities I'm not getting anywhere. I feel like my problem is because of how I feel, not how I think, and while I know feelings affect thoughts I also know it works in reverse, and I feel that's the root of the problem. I just wish I could get some kind of medication to make it way easier to deal with this anxiety. I get so paranoid that whenever girls laugh off in the distance I feel like they're laughing about me, and I feel like eyes are all on me all the time. I can't drink alcohol or smoke weed to get that kind of substance-induced courage due to medication, plus my family has a long history of drug and alcohol abuse so it wouldn't be a good idea to even try. I really don't know what to do. I feel like I'm stuck and it's not going to get better, even though logically I know it should. I'm a senior in college, and I'd like to have at least some experience with this stuff before I'm thrust into the real world, or grad school, depending on which comes first. I lay in bed at night thinking about this shit, thinking about all the awkward stuff I've done over the years or going over what I should have done in social situations past and near present. I really don't know what to do now. Who to go to for help, how to better myself, because this anxiety is too much to handle.

ill vent im going through a moment of my life where i fell like dying. Im numb, sick, sad and i cant help but feel alone. I have lots of friends ,people i can laugh with and talk to, but when i think bout having a REAL talk with someone, noone comes to my mind. I feel like nobody is %100 truthful with me, i dont know anyone who i can call my best friend or feel symmetric with. Maybe its my fault about the way i make friends, kinda trying to fit. Dont do this, it will only give half friends. I never felt so alone.

I'm dumb and I fucking suck at studying and will never get good grades to get myself into a college and do what I want with my life, I am going to end up being a mediocre burden, I hate myself for not trying hard enough but in the end I'm fine with it because I don't care enough for my life to be dedicated to anything. I'm not good at anything, I don't care for anything as much as I wish I cared, I'm not a nice person. I just wish I could die in my sleep or something, I'm too scared to kill myself and commiting suicide will be the last straw for completing destroying the life of my family.

[QUOTE=BaCkStAbEr;42444254]I'm dumb and I fucking suck at studying and will never get good grades to get myself into a college and do what I want with my life,[/QUOTE] What is it you want to do with your life, if you don't mind me asking?

At the moment i feel like I'm in a constant cycle of happiness turning to depression/paranoia periodically. Alcohol seems to force this situation quite a lot and I'm not sure what to do, if I don't meet up with people it's also going to make the situation worse. Mentioned something about myself when drunk to my roommate, once he brought it up later I was angry at him for the rest of the week. Just don't know what to do with these emotions and I'm not sure what to do with them, guilty for having them with no reason also. Once I slip into a depressive state every single laugh is aimed at me, I analyse every single joke/comment/glance to be a slight against me. My current way of dealing with this is to smile constantly and to laugh at every ridiculous aspect in the world, but it feels like that just detaches me from reality.