Depression, anxiety, suicidalism and similar disorders, issues and troubles V3 - Discussion, help an - General

I don't know why but I'm just going through all the images on my harddrive and I encountered a few that made me feel quite awful because of the stupid shit I did a year ago. [QUOTE=RAG Frag;42462784]At the moment i feel like I'm in a constant cycle of happiness turning to depression/paranoia periodically. Alcohol seems to force this situation quite a lot and I'm not sure what to do, if I don't meet up with people it's also going to make the situation worse. Mentioned something about myself when drunk to my roommate, once he brought it up later I was angry at him for the rest of the week. Just don't know what to do with these emotions and I'm not sure what to do with them, guilty for having them with no reason also. Once I slip into a depressive state every single laugh is aimed at me, I analyse every single joke/comment/glance to be a slight against me. My current way of dealing with this is to smile constantly and to laugh at every ridiculous aspect in the world, but it feels like that just detaches me from reality.[/QUOTE] I think you should try and remove that alcohol addiction, it did nothing good for me and it won't do anything good for anyone else.

the world is spinning, everything is horrible. want to end it, badly my shrink isn't being incredibly clear to me. first she told me I was possibly schizophrenic, now she tells me that I'm possibly bipolar and just now she told me that I'm fitting in the psychosis group. I'm hearing voices, I'm seeing things which are not there, I can't sleep at night due to feeling monitored by people and/or creatures on the bed side. I hear things fall over in the house, I hear scratching when nothing is happening. I hear people call out my name. it's driving me insane. even my thoughts are against me. they're bashing me. insulting me. this doesn't feel like my own body either. who am I? I don't feel attached to reality. it feels like me, the brain, just flew out of my body to spectate it instead of controlling it. am I a person? yes, yes I am. or am I? I must be. but I'm not sure. it sure doesn't feel like it. who am I? every comment, every laugh, every joke, every look, whatever people do, it's against me. someone is busy? they hate me. someone didn't make it? they hate me. plans cancelled? they hate me. people not putting effort into contacting me? they hate me. they all probably want me dead. nobody would care. no one is on my side. or whoever I am. I feel monitored right now. I feel something brushing over my skin while nothing is there. it feels like someone is standing right behind me, just staring. but it's not there. nothing I'm seeing is there. but it's there, somewhere. when I go to sleep in a few hours, whatever is here will monitor me. watch me as I sleep and maybe scratch the walls. but it's all in my head? why am I affected? why do I feel that it's real? I don't know what to do anymore. why wake up when all I'm gonna experience is being alone and having my own thoughts against me? why not just go to sleep and never wake up? I wish I could. maybe I should? but how? it doesn't sound rational to kill myself because things can get better. but it doesn't feel that way. but the chance is there, right? no? maybe? I'm dumb. am I just looking for attention? am I making all this up? I can't be, all this is real. I'm seeing and hearing it all. why would I make it up? I'm at loss. I'm having problems seeing the line between reality and fiction. the line is blurred and smudged out to the point where it barely exists. help me, anyone I just want to die

Life is but a joke.

[QUOTE=PredGD;42489919]the world is spinning, everything is horrible. want to end it, badly my shrink isn't being incredibly clear to me. first she told me I was possibly schizophrenic, now she tells me that I'm possibly bipolar and just now she told me that I'm fitting in the psychosis group. I'm hearing voices, I'm seeing things which are not there, I can't sleep at night due to feeling monitored by people and/or creatures on the bed side. I hear things fall over in the house, I hear scratching when nothing is happening. I hear people call out my name. it's driving me insane. even my thoughts are against me. they're bashing me. insulting me. this doesn't feel like my own body either. who am I? I don't feel attached to reality. it feels like me, the brain, just flew out of my body to spectate it instead of controlling it. am I a person? yes, yes I am. or am I? I must be. but I'm not sure. it sure doesn't feel like it. who am I? every comment, every laugh, every joke, every look, whatever people do, it's against me. someone is busy? they hate me. someone didn't make it? they hate me. plans cancelled? they hate me. people not putting effort into contacting me? they hate me. they all probably want me dead. nobody would care. no one is on my side. or whoever I am. I feel monitored right now. I feel something brushing over my skin while nothing is there. it feels like someone is standing right behind me, just staring. but it's not there. nothing I'm seeing is there. but it's there, somewhere. when I go to sleep in a few hours, whatever is here will monitor me. watch me as I sleep and maybe scratch the walls. but it's all in my head? why am I affected? why do I feel that it's real? I don't know what to do anymore. why wake up when all I'm gonna experience is being alone and having my own thoughts against me? why not just go to sleep and never wake up? I wish I could. maybe I should? but how? it doesn't sound rational to kill myself because things can get better. but it doesn't feel that way. but the chance is there, right? no? maybe? I'm dumb. am I just looking for attention? am I making all this up? I can't be, all this is real. I'm seeing and hearing it all. why would I make it up? I'm at loss. I'm having problems seeing the line between reality and fiction. the line is blurred and smudged out to the point where it barely exists. help me, anyone I just want to die[/QUOTE] Who the fuck thinks this post is funny? It's serious

Copied + pasted from my personal Tumblr: [quote]Before I begin this post, let me clarify. I do not hate my dad at all. We both like reading books. We both like Monty Python. We both like a lot of things that we enjoy doing together. I am just very, very frustrated with my dad right now. My parents have been divorced for a while now, my mom was remarried for nine months (that ended in a really messy divorce, but that’s a totally different story), and my dad recently remarried in February 2012, after the cataclysm of my mom’s own divorce less than a month ago. My former stepdad was emotionally abusive and just an evil person in general, so naturally I was really wary of my new stepmom. My stepmother is a nice person, but just about everything she does and the way she does it is completely contradictory to what I’m used to. Because of this, we disagree a lot. This wouldn’t be so bad if my stepmom also didn’t influence every single one of my dad’s decisions. My dad has abandoned things and ways he acted in the past entirely in favor for what my stepmom would do. One example is that my stepmom is constantly inviting people that attend church with them over to their house most days, something I could never see my dad ever doing. I’m pretty sure that my dad doesn’t like this, but since it’s my stepmom, he’s totally OK with it. I also have a stepsister (8 years old) and a stepbrother who’s very little, almost three. Everything we do must also revolve around them. No, you can’t go and read your book right now, Solomon needs to be played with. Don’t watch this TV show right now, Star would rather watch Annoying Orange. She doesn’t make it a secret that she only lets her children get what they want. After several months of this, I quit going to my dad’s house on the weekends because, long story short, it just reached a breaking point. I never really told my dad why exactly I stopped going to his house. One of my brothers, who’s 10, also stopped going to his house for, basically, the same reasons. And what makes me the angriest is that my dad doesn’t really seem to care as to why we don’t go to his house anymore. You’d think my dad would wonder as to why I refuse to visit him anymore, but he doesn’t ask anything. I feel as though if I were to talk to him about it, he would make an excuse like “I’m trying my best” or “You just haven’t given Beth a chance” or “I’ll see what I can do” or, my personal favorite, “You haven’t been attending church enough.” Making excuses isn’t something new my dad does, either. It’s the main reason my parents divorced in the first place. So, long story short, my dad and I are growing apart and I’m really fucking worried that I just won’t ever talk to him once I’m an adult. That’s my sob story, it’s really petty, but it felt good typing out. [/quote]

It's my last year of high school and I've been falling behind on like everything. Every weekend I'm like, yeah I will catch up but nope. I just had a math test today and I probably failed it. Term 1 marks are apparently everything according to everyone since those go to universities and determine whether you get considered or not.

I came to help my fellow depressed people. Have some kittens on a slide. [video=youtube;6ltERGlPfVE]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6ltERGlPfVE[/video]

[QUOTE=DuffCreeper;42528895]Who the fuck thinks this post is funny? It's serious[/QUOTE] Click the list button. Just ignore him, I'm pretty sure he feeds off of negative attention.

I've been having some rough issues with my relationships with people, my borderline personality disorder can make me a total asshole at times and it's hard to control.

I always write a sentence or two in here every day, but end up deleting it all and leaving the thread. anyone else feel the same way?

[QUOTE=PredGD;42575514]I always write a sentence or two in here every day, but end up deleting it all and leaving the thread. anyone else feel the same way?[/QUOTE] I feel like my problems are really not very important in comparison to most of y'all's problems in here

[QUOTE=cheetahben;42575838]I feel like my problems are really not very important in comparison to most of y'all's problems in here[/QUOTE] yeah, I feel the same way. whenever I'm about to post what I was supposed to post I think that it's not that big of a deal afterall and it's all in my head. since I first managed to start posting here, I'll continue with what is bothering me. just a few minutes ago I had a realization. things won't get better, things will continue like it currently is and the thought of killing myself right now isn't bothering me at all. I'm considering to walk up to the kitchen to find a knife or overdose on my medication. I still think somewhat rational I guess since I'm not doing it, but the temptation is huge right now. the thought of hurting myself is tempting. I honestly don't see why people in this world want to live. what do people do? people do nothing, we'll all die eventually. many of us will never do anything which will benefit humanity in any way, we're all worthless. I'm just another worthless being. maybe I should just hurt myself or cut myself to get a taste of how it is? I don't know, it's just not me. tempting, though. [editline]19th October 2013[/editline] I feel so detached from reality, as if I'm not actually here. it's like I'm just a spectator of another persons life. [editline]19th October 2013[/editline] I was so close to doing it just now... I nearly tried to do it again, I was so close. I don't know what happened but... life is literally unbearable so I walked up to the kitchen and I was standing there for about 30 minutes thinking about taking my own life. it's a long time since I've been so close to doing it. if this shit continues like it is, I won't live another year, I swear. it's gradually become worse, to the point where I actually walk over to the kitchen, grab a knife, and then start thinking if I should do it or not. it felt like a defeat when I turned around and walked back downstairs. the temptation is still massive, I so want to do it but the thought of my mother seeing me dead on the kitchen floor stops me... I don't want to hurt her.

[QUOTE=PredGD;42575910]yeah, I feel the same way. whenever I'm about to post what I was supposed to post I think that it's not that big of a deal afterall and it's all in my head. since I first managed to start posting here, I'll continue with what is bothering me. just a few minutes ago I had a realization. things won't get better, things will continue like it currently is and the thought of killing myself right now isn't bothering me at all. I'm considering to walk up to the kitchen to find a knife or overdose on my medication. I still think somewhat rational I guess since I'm not doing it, but the temptation is huge right now. the thought of hurting myself is tempting. I honestly don't see why people in this world want to live. what do people do? people do nothing, we'll all die eventually. many of us will never do anything which will benefit humanity in any way, we're all worthless. I'm just another worthless being. maybe I should just hurt myself or cut myself to get a taste of how it is? I don't know, it's just not me. tempting, though. [editline]19th October 2013[/editline] I feel so detached from reality, as if I'm not actually here. it's like I'm just a spectator of another persons life. [editline]19th October 2013[/editline] I was so close to doing it just now... I nearly tried to do it again, I was so close. I don't know what happened but... life is literally unbearable so I walked up to the kitchen and I was standing there for about 30 minutes thinking about taking my own life. it's a long time since I've been so close to doing it. if this shit continues like it is, I won't live another year, I swear. it's gradually become worse, to the point where I actually walk over to the kitchen, grab a knife, and then start thinking if I should do it or not. it felt like a defeat when I turned around and walked back downstairs. the temptation is still massive, I so want to do it but the thought of my mother seeing me dead on the kitchen floor stops me... I don't want to hurt her.[/QUOTE] I was right where you are and I probably will be again. This is the point where therapists, friends and family have made me go to the hospital. I'm not telling you to go, I'm not saying things will be better if you do, I'm not saying you will like it, I'm not saying you need it. Those were things that were told to me and I didn't believe them, so telling them to you would make me a liar. I will say this: If I didn't go to the hospital, I would not be alive today.

[QUOTE=PredGD;42575910]yeah, I feel the same way. whenever I'm about to post what I was supposed to post I think that it's not that big of a deal afterall and it's all in my head. since I first managed to start posting here, I'll continue with what is bothering me. just a few minutes ago I had a realization. things won't get better, things will continue like it currently is and the thought of killing myself right now isn't bothering me at all. I'm considering to walk up to the kitchen to find a knife or overdose on my medication. I still think somewhat rational I guess since I'm not doing it, but the temptation is huge right now. the thought of hurting myself is tempting. I honestly don't see why people in this world want to live. what do people do? people do nothing, we'll all die eventually. many of us will never do anything which will benefit humanity in any way, we're all worthless. I'm just another worthless being. maybe I should just hurt myself or cut myself to get a taste of how it is? I don't know, it's just not me. tempting, though. [editline]19th October 2013[/editline] I feel so detached from reality, as if I'm not actually here. it's like I'm just a spectator of another persons life. [editline]19th October 2013[/editline] I was so close to doing it just now... I nearly tried to do it again, I was so close. I don't know what happened but... life is literally unbearable so I walked up to the kitchen and I was standing there for about 30 minutes thinking about taking my own life. it's a long time since I've been so close to doing it. if this shit continues like it is, I won't live another year, I swear. it's gradually become worse, to the point where I actually walk over to the kitchen, grab a knife, and then start thinking if I should do it or not. it felt like a defeat when I turned around and walked back downstairs. the temptation is still massive, I so want to do it but the thought of my mother seeing me dead on the kitchen floor stops me... I don't want to hurt her.[/QUOTE] you sound exactly like how I was like 1,5 years ago. Depression just makes you numb, like I'm sitting in front of my computer now and I'm pretty content with my life and I'm not depressed at all, but there's no universal reason for being alive, other than to just simply live. You have to feel why you want to live, and you can't really feel anything while you are depressed, you can't feel shit, so you have to wait it out until you can feel again, and cry and laugh and enjoy things that just make your body feel good, and you feel good about yourself. I dont think there's any way of convincing someone who is depressed that anything is worth doing or that it's worth living. What has helped me go through my worst periods is that I've always been certain of that "better times" will come, as cliche as that sounds. Like Elliott Hulse said something like "Don't be like the man who kills himself in the winter because it's so cold, not realizing that spring is right around the corner".

[QUOTE=bodenlan2;42579156]you sound exactly like how I was like 1,5 years ago. Depression just makes you numb, like I'm sitting in front of my computer now and I'm pretty content with my life and I'm not depressed at all, but there's no universal reason for being alive, other than to just simply live. You have to feel why you want to live, and you can't really feel anything while you are depressed, you can't feel shit, so you have to wait it out until you can feel again, and cry and laugh and enjoy things that just make your body feel good, and you feel good about yourself. I dont think there's any way of convincing someone who is depressed that anything is worth doing or that it's worth living. What has helped me go through my worst periods is that I've always been certain of that "better times" will come, as cliche as that sounds. Like Elliott Hulse said something like "Don't be like the man who kills himself in the winter because it's so cold, not realizing that spring is right around the corner".[/QUOTE] yeah, I'm kinda holding onto the fact that things [I]might[/I] get better. problem is though, I don't feel that the "good" period is any close at all and I'm doubting that it'll ever happen. to be honest, I'd rather kill myself right here and now but I'm afraid I'll regret it when the act is done. waiting for the good times isn't exactly comforting me either. I keep thinking "yeah, whatever, things are better but I'm still useless and won't do anything with my life" for when it might happen. I have no goal.

[QUOTE=Kenneth;42409111]I hate the presumption that the greif of those close to you is worse than the personal anguish depression brings. I've lost people very close to me in the past and its never hurt nearly as bad as going day to day with this mental illness. People should be allowed to kill themselves without shame if hey need to. That video just made me fell angry it felt like a personal attack. I actually feel worse now[/QUOTE] Sure people can kill themself if they want but youre a bit of a cunt if you blow your brains out in your family home where your little sister finds you

I've been depressed for about 11 years. Decided about 8 months ago to get institutionalized for a little while. They spew me back out a week later, diagnosed with "personality disorder". Rewind a few years back, and I was on a roll with suicidal thoughts. Having never been with anyone on any level at all, and been alone for the entirety of my life, I didn't see a reason to exist. Then, out of nowhere, I found myself in a relationship with the most wonderful of people. A girl with so much love to give, and she got so much back. February 2013 was when she broke up with me, when she left me for someone else she'd been with behind my back. Three weeks ago I was kicked out of my home. Last week I got to stay this vacation, but they're already tired of me. Yelling at me for not doing shit properly or at all. And they're right. Tomorrow I'll be without a place to be, outside of society. Wondering if there's any possible miracle that could solve this. I doubt it though. How would this ever be worth it?

I don't know what you are going through, but if you can help me to understand you may find that you can solve those problems yourself. Not promising anything but you can find me on skype at: sfmg42 if any yall need to talk/vent.

Just got off the phone with the suicide prevention hotline, it didn't help at all. Just a bunch of bullshit recommendations to institutions. The only reason i gave them a call is to find a reason to live, and it didn't work so this may be my last mesage to facepunch ever. I'll hang around for maybe a couple days to see if I can find an excuse to live from the people i know. Unfortunately though, if this is the last post i make in a while i could either be 6 feet under or thrown in a hospital. Peace out people, and i'lll miss ya'll wherever i end up.

Hey everyone, I'm just asking for a little help here with my situation. Long story short, I'm living on a college campus right now with 5 other guys in a suite. Through a few of them I met a cool group of people whom I hung out with for about 2 weeks. One day,I said out loud "Man,I love your building so much more than my own. I wish I could live here.", to which they literally asked me to move in. My college was pretty cool about all the legality stuff, they just said that they couldn't allow my id to work with the specific room for about a month, so I'd have to find my own way into that room. Now, the room actually belongs to two girls, who let their guy friend move in to that room as well. We were all really cool to each other, and we had a blast together (at least, that's what I thought). It all went downhill when I started liking one of the girls who the dorm originally belonged to, and when we started talking about each other's crushes, I merely said that I like "some girl". At this point, the three of them basically interrogate me into telling them who it is. I gave very vague details, yet the girl I liked figured it out. Despite this, her and I still talked to each other. Now, about 2 hours ago, she texts me saying that I'm basically kicked out of the dorm. I told her I can understand why, but that I'll need a way into the room to get all of my stuff. She didn't respond, and neither did the other 2 people when I asked them what time I should get my stuff. Even better is that they visit my old dorm a few minutes ago and don't even acknowledge me, despite seeing me as they came in. Before they left, I went out in the living room area of my old dorm and said goodbye to them as they left, and they couldn't even look me in the eye. I'm a very understanding person, and I completely understand how awkward the situation is for them, but I just feel really betrayed at this whole thing. Does anyone know what Ican do tofeelbetter, at least for the next few days?

Argh, this is starting to destroy me and tear me apart, I am sick of these annoying OCD compulsions I get which are orientated around body movements and what not. I pretty much always have the urge to look up, open up my eyes really wide and tense my calf muscles, I feel the need to do these things very hard and strain as I do them, if I don't I feel like I need to keep doing it until I reach a certain point, however that rarely often works with the leg compulsion so I'm constantly doing it. It is physically weighing me down and I am starting to get some strange looks from people, if people I just tell them that I have a bad neck or something, it's really starting to affect my self esteem and I legitimately starting to take a toll on me. I am sick of living this life, I'm on 300 mg of Clomipramime and 25 mg of Pristiq and they don't seem to work, they used to but I think the weed is starting to cause even more issues with regards to these OCD compulsions and I'm trying to stop, however I keep feeling the urge to do it and I always feel like I need to act on these urges. My whole life is being run by this, I even have the compulsion that I have to make a forum post on here if something bad happens to me or else it will get even worse. I just want to die at the moment, I don't even know why life is worth living anymore. I don't want to have to live the rest of my life with these irritating compulsions to do with body movements, I'm sorry that I'm feeling sorry for myself it's just becoming too much.

[QUOTE=Leader of Me;42595415]Argh, this is starting to destroy me and tear me apart, I am sick of these annoying OCD compulsions I get which are orientated around body movements and what not. I pretty much always have the urge to look up, open up my eyes really wide and tense my calf muscles, I feel the need to do these things very hard and strain as I do them, if I don't I feel like I need to keep doing it until I reach a certain point, however that rarely often works with the leg compulsion so I'm constantly doing it. It is physically weighing me down and I am starting to get some strange looks from people, if people I just tell them that I have a bad neck or something, it's really starting to affect my self esteem and I legitimately starting to take a toll on me. I am sick of living this life, I'm on 300 mg of Clomipramime and 25 mg of Pristiq and they don't seem to work, they used to but I think the weed is starting to cause even more issues with regards to these OCD compulsions and I'm trying to stop, however I keep feeling the urge to do it and I always feel like I need to act on these urges. My whole life is being run by this, I even have the compulsion that I have to make a forum post on here if something bad happens to me or else it will get even worse. I just want to die at the moment, I don't even know why life is worth living anymore. I don't want to have to live the rest of my life with these irritating compulsions to do with body movements, I'm sorry that I'm feeling sorry for myself it's just becoming too much.[/QUOTE] one thing you should do is quit it with the weed, at least until things are getting better. my shrink told me not to smoke any weed or do any drugs as it would worsen my anxiety and everything else by tenfolds. the situation is obviously different between us, but it could be worth a shot, at least for a small period of time just to see if things get different

People are calling me weird because I keep a loop of exhaust hose in my car. I'm only working on Plan B is classes backfire.

Due to potential career opportunities being affected by going into detail about my negative emotions, I will instead have someone who isn't me sum up how I feel: [media]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xJ9e32MNEOk[/media]

So does anyone know much about patient-doctor confidentiality? I'm seeing a therapist and first day she told me she's not allowed to mention anything in the session to anyone unless it's threatening to myself or others. During one of the sessions she said that my father phoned up to see how things were going and apparently she blatantly said that I'm addicted to computer/video games? I know I am, I admitted it to her and know that I need help with it, and I'm planning on taking baby steps. But to tell my father this is just an awful idea because clearly she doesn't know my father as much as she thinks. I'm not even sure if I trust her anymore considering it was already concerning when she's basically an unpaid student who is right now learning in the field.

My therapist never talks to my parents about things I don't want them to, like the fact that I smoke marijuana and used to self-harm. I'd definitely talk with her about that next time you have the chance.

[QUOTE=ROFLBURGER;42604387]So does anyone know much about patient-doctor confidentiality? I'm seeing a therapist and first day she told me she's not allowed to mention anything in the session to anyone unless it's threatening to myself or others. During one of the sessions she said that my father phoned up to see how things were going and apparently she blatantly said that I'm addicted to computer/video games? I know I am, I admitted it to her and know that I need help with it, and I'm planning on taking baby steps. But to tell my father this is just an awful idea because clearly she doesn't know my father as much as she thinks. I'm not even sure if I trust her anymore considering it was already concerning when she's basically an unpaid student who is right now learning in the field.[/QUOTE] I've come to the conclusion, after seeing several psychiatrists and psychologists, that talking with friends about my problems and thoughts is much more therapeutic, and also much more confidential. It goes both ways of course.

I've been in a depressive state for several years now. It got really bad about 4 years ago. Since then, it's been fluctuating between being fine and being extremely depressed. Recently, though, maybe a year ago, the depression started slowly falling, and I felt like it was going away, finally. This year I started college, and I've met so many people and had so much fun. I never really felt that depressed, anymore... until I started looking for a relationship. There's a whole thing in the Super Friendly Social thread about this girl that I've kind of been attached to. I finally manage to get the courage to ask her out to dinner, and she agrees. However, she bails on me. I never see her that night, and I didn't really think much of it. I assumed she had a reasonable explanation. People on SFS told me otherwise. They told me I was stupid for thinking she was interested in me and that I was defending her. A week has passed since then, and I feel like utter shit. The depression is at it's highest it's been thus far. I don't want to go to classes, I don't want to do anything. I've been thinking about killing myself for a while, but I'm too pathetic to do it. I just can't fucking get out of this, and it's killing me. I have no one to talk to. All my friends make fun of me when I'm feeling like shit. They're always saying things about killing myself, like "Emu, you're not dead, yet?!" I know they're being sarcastic, but FUCK. It's so pathetic that my friends are expecting me to kill myself one day, and shocked and awed that I haven't done it, yet. I don't know what to fucking do, I have nothing, I have no one, I have no reason to be alive. FUCK, I hate everything so much.

[QUOTE=Emugod;42607803]I've been in a depressive state for several years now. It got really bad about 4 years ago. Since then, it's been fluctuating between being fine and being extremely depressed. Recently, though, maybe a year ago, the depression started slowly falling, and I felt like it was going away, finally. This year I started college, and I've met so many people and had so much fun. I never really felt that depressed, anymore... until I started looking for a relationship. There's a whole thing in the Super Friendly Social thread about this girl that I've kind of been attached to. I finally manage to get the courage to ask her out to dinner, and she agrees. However, she bails on me. I never see her that night, and I didn't really think much of it. I assumed she had a reasonable explanation. People on SFS told me otherwise. They told me I was stupid for thinking she was interested in me and that I was defending her. A week has passed since then, and I feel like utter shit. The depression is at it's highest it's been thus far. I don't want to go to classes, I don't want to do anything. I've been thinking about killing myself for a while, but I'm too pathetic to do it. I just can't fucking get out of this, and it's killing me. I have no one to talk to. All my friends make fun of me when I'm feeling like shit. They're always saying things about killing myself, like "Emu, you're not dead, yet?!" I know they're being sarcastic, but FUCK. It's so pathetic that my friends are expecting me to kill myself one day, and shocked and awed that I haven't done it, yet. I don't know what to fucking do, I have nothing, I have no one, I have no reason to be alive. FUCK, I hate everything so much.[/QUOTE] lots of the people in SFS aren't as "super friendly" as you'd think. I myself have just gotten worse by going there so I stopped completely. it's not entirely their fault however, I understand that they don't understand the depression and anxiety a few of us have. I personally wouldn't recommend going there to talk about your issues, especially not if you don't take negative response all that well. it's a long time since I was in that thread so things might have changed, but looking at your post I doubt it. anyhow, you're not stupid for thinking she was interested, shit happens you know? everyone goes through it, and I'm pretty sure you know that already. take no blame for it! also, have you considered to go to a shrink to talk about your problems? sounds like you might need it considering you're thinking about suicide.

Having spent an hour and a half sitting in a math test and not being able to answer a single question I have finally realized why I like computers outside of "because it's cool". This is the only time I will ever be able to work so closely with the hardware. I'll never be able to reach the classes that make the prerequisites. I'm missing far too many years of my education to both catch up or start over from grade 4.