Depression, anxiety, suicidalism and similar disorders, issues and troubles V3 - Discussion, help an - General

[QUOTE=pentium;42611584]Having spent an hour and a half sitting in a math test and not being able to answer a single question I have finally realized why I like computers outside of "because it's cool". This is the only time I will ever be able to work so closely with the hardware. I'll never be able to reach the classes that make the prerequisites. I'm missing far too many years of my education to both catch up or start over from grade 4.[/QUOTE] [url=https://www.khanacademy.org/]This may or may not help you[/url], but it helped me a lot

I'm not sure if I specify to fit in this thread, but I feel SFS isn't the right place either. I'm in a relative small state of depression, ranging from good to bad on a daily basis. It all happened around 2 months ago. I became good friends with a my crush and I started to get feelings for her again. In a weird way I can't properly remember anymore, I changed personalities, kind like schizophrenia. I was drifting between different worlds, and I finally had to tell her due to one of our friends set it up. I ended up being pushed aside like I meant nothing and I completely lost it in rage. (Also worth noting, all my friends at my hometown started being huge dicks so I abandoned them in favor of my friends at my school. And my parents had/have a hard time because there is a lot of tension inside the family at this point. My mum is in a bad shape because her mum and dad are really old and it could end any minute. She have been watching them all her life. My dad is frustrated because my mum degrades him and me, and it's really difficult to know where you have her.) In my uncontrollable rage, I apparently sent a message where they thought I was about to take suicide. In hesitation, they got my teachers on the case, ending up sending me to a therapist. Apparently, around 10-15 teachers and other staff at the school knows about it. And most of my friends know about it, so I'm kind of fucked on that part. After that incident, I became extremely lonely, no one is there to spend time with me. I'm really anxious about doing anything wrong, because it can ruin everything I've built for years. Everyone tells me I have to tell my parents, that I need to get a cure. They just misunderstood and think I'm on my heal now. Problem is, I have it worse then ever, and I can't talk to them about it because they feel pressured when they have to commit to things. I'm lonely, useless and I'm just wasting space and time at this point. (They don't know though, that everything I'm doing at this point is for them, and they don't give a shit at all. I just wanted to move on, it was a mistake to let the rage unleash, but I couldn't hold it back, due to many things happening at that time.) I've been with her (the one I'm in love with) but there is still a really bad tension between us. The friend that set me up to tell is also having a bad time, and she is often changing in the mood. Sometimes she is mad at me (she told me to go fuck myself because I didn't care about them) and other times she is really nice and caring. The one I love is in love with my other friend who have got the horrible job to keep me company, trying to cheer me up. I'm probably breaking him too and he feels that he have to be there for me (I'm really glad he is), but I'm having problems staying alive at this point. I can't sleep well, I get visions of empty spaces (like the school corridor, the train station and so on) where I'm spending time and I'm walking around with that sense that I ruined for everyone. The one that cares about me ended up getting intoxicated at a party because she just wanted to forget things. And the one I love started to party even though she doesn't want to, because she wants to forget things. This ends up with me sitting at home having huge problems with blame and etc. I've also got a bad attention spawn as of late,I'm doing bad in subjects to because I can't focus properly anymore. I also have insomnia problems, I often wake up in the middle of the night from nightmares where I'm all alone or stuck in a small cage with people around me looking at me. I sometimes hear screams, I've got a huge temper right now but I gotta keep it cool to not make too much attention out of myself. It helps a little to talk about it atleast.

Wow, you guys and everybody else I know have waaay worse problems than I do. So why do I feel like crying all the time?

[QUOTE=Jookia;42638799]Wow, you guys and everybody else I know have waaay worse problems than I do. So why do I feel like crying all the time?[/QUOTE] It feels like it doesn't make sense, right? That's because it doesn't. It's beyond reason and understanding. It's beyond what should happen and what everybody deserves.

[QUOTE=GeneralSpecific;42639171]It feels like it doesn't make sense, right? That's because it doesn't. It's beyond reason and understanding. It's beyond what should happen and what everybody deserves.[/QUOTE] I dunno. It's just a lot of guilt over it, you know? Just guilt because you can't help others as much as you can, guilt that you're in such a place where you're fine but other's aren't and you wonder why you and not them.

I'm not depressed or anything, and my petty problems are nowhere near as bad as some the stuff you guys go through, but IDK if this belongs more in "Super Friendly Social and Love Advice" thread or not, but I could use a talk, could someone PM me/ add me on steam please?

[QUOTE=OHNOES;42639950]I'm not depressed or anything, and my petty problems are nowhere near as bad as some the stuff you guys go through, but[/QUOTE] If everyone put their problems in a pile, we'd take ours back happily. And I'll add you on steam :)

Any ideas as to what to do with myself these days? I work at a charity shop on tuesday afternoons, and that is it. I'm signed off of work by my doctors since I left college over a year ago because of my depression and I claim benefits I am eligible for. I enjoy being alone, but hate being and feeling lonely 6 days a week. I do nothing pretty much all week aside from tuesday afternoons. Whatever I want to do with other people, they are either busy, away or ill. Any ideas?

I feel so physically sick whenever I get depressed, god I hate this. a terrific start to a new page. oops.

[QUOTE=FreyasFighter;42648385]Any ideas as to what to do with myself these days? I work at a charity shop on tuesday afternoons, and that is it. I'm signed off of work by my doctors since I left college over a year ago because of my depression and I claim benefits I am eligible for. I enjoy being alone, but hate being and feeling lonely 6 days a week. I do nothing pretty much all week aside from tuesday afternoons. Whatever I want to do with other people, they are either busy, away or ill. Any ideas?[/QUOTE] Find a hobby you enjoy doing. I'm exercising and I play drums. Kills off a lot of time if the days are too long. Other then that, Find someone to spend time with, I realize how much harder it is to live without friends that ask you to do stuff.

so things are going down the drain again things were slowly getting worse already, but now it's even worse than that again. two days ago I believe, a few girls from my school were trying to call me (after me being absent from school for 2 weeks) and sent messages asking if everything was okay. I appreciate that, but I was asleep and couldn't be bothered to take the phone or answer them when they called and sent messages. so when I wake up and check stuff, they've sent tons of messages, called so many times, and gave me the impression that they were mad at me. my social anxiety kicked in so I ended up not answering them before a few hours later, and I only answered one of the girls (who I am most comfortable with) who didn't reply after saying that she'd been crying all day since I hadn't answered. now I feel that she's mad at me. another girl who sent messages as well sent me a message yesterday. "you reply to <name> but not me? thanks for giving me a sleepless night, I was worried as well...!" that was all I got to read (didn't open her message since I didn't want it to pop up as read on her side). now I'm afraid that she's mad at me as well, so my anxiety is stopping me from going to school right now which in turn leaves me all alone at home every day. I feel so alone, I feel that I have nobody. one girl (who I kinda like) I know who struggles with anxiety, depression etc as well had plans with me today. however, I got the message that she was sick and couldn't (having a hard time believing that) so now I'm all alone this weekend as well. I wanted to see the conjuring earlier this month as well, and since I have no one to watch it with I figured I'd ask her, but she said she couldn't handle cinemas. I understand that but I believe there is something wrong with me. I feel that she doesn't want to be seen with me or be with me. don't really care about being together with her or anything, I just want a friend. now that I feel the only person I imagine being a good friend or something more isn't there for me and doesn't want to be seen with me, I feel more alone than I've felt in a good while. what she says is probably true and I respect that she's not capable of going to for example the cinema, but I just can't shake off the fact that I feel that she doesn't like me and doesn't want to be seen with me. I feel that she's making excuses to not meet me when what she says is probably true. ughh, I've lost motivation to get to know her any better even though I really want to know her.

[QUOTE=PredGD;42651278]so things are going down the drain again things were slowly getting worse already, but now it's even worse than that again. two days ago I believe, a few girls from my school were trying to call me (after me being absent from school for 2 weeks) and sent messages asking if everything was okay. I appreciate that, but I was asleep and couldn't be bothered to take the phone or answer them when they called and sent messages. so when I wake up and check stuff, they've sent tons of messages, called so many times, and gave me the impression that they were mad at me. my social anxiety kicked in so I ended up not answering them before a few hours later, and I only answered one of the girls (who I am most comfortable with) who didn't reply after saying that she'd been crying all day since I hadn't answered. now I feel that she's mad at me. another girl who sent messages as well sent me a message yesterday. "you reply to <name> but not me? thanks for giving me a sleepless night, I was worried as well...!" that was all I got to read (didn't open her message since I didn't want it to pop up as read on her side). now I'm afraid that she's mad at me as well, so my anxiety is stopping me from going to school right now which in turn leaves me all alone at home every day. I feel so alone, I feel that I have nobody.[/QUOTE] Oh my god, I feel really bad for you. I have the same problem, only thing is that it's not so controversial because they sent me to a psychiatrist instead because they didn't wanna deal with me.

I'm starting to think I might be schizophrenic or have some sort of psychotic disorder. I'm having a hard time typing this out, even. I know that I have severe OCD, anxiety, and depression, but I've always had this nagging fear of going crazy. It may be just a part of my other disorders, but I'll be damned if I don't feel less than sane right now. [editline]27th October 2013[/editline] I'm suffering from some sort of disassociation right now, with blunted emotions and thoughts, which are my main concerns. I'm pretty sure I've experienced cannabis-induced psychosis before, and ever since then, my mental state has been broken.

[QUOTE=pdp;42660529]I'm starting to think I might be schizophrenic or have some sort of psychotic disorder. I'm having a hard time typing this out, even. I know that I have severe OCD, anxiety, and depression, but I've always had this nagging fear of going crazy. It may be just a part of my other disorders, but I'll be damned if I don't feel less than sane right now. [editline]27th October 2013[/editline] I'm suffering from some sort of disassociation right now, with blunted emotions and thoughts, which are my main concerns. I'm pretty sure I've experienced cannabis-induced psychosis before, and ever since then, my mental state has been broken.[/QUOTE] first off, you should definitely go to a shrink to see if what you believe is true. I've been in your situation before, and it's crazy what placebo can make you think.

[QUOTE=PredGD;42662429]first off, you should definitely go to a shrink to see if what you believe is true. I've been in your situation before, and it's crazy what placebo can make you think.[/QUOTE] Yeah. I have health insurance now, so I shouldn't have to put up with the $15 back door psychiatrist that I was seeing before, who did nothing but parrot what I said and presumably drew dicks in her notebook to pass the time. [editline]27th October 2013[/editline] I'll be going to my doctor soon to get a referral.

I didn't know perfectionism was an actual psychological issue, or that it was divided into a 2 types. I definitely think I am of the negative variety though... 1. I often don't finish my drawings because I feel it's not as good as I want it to be 2. I don't draw new things often and I'm bad at learning new things because when I fear messing up, and when I mess up I feel like I'm too hopeless to get any better. 3. When I moved into my new room I kept it neat and tidy, but then mom moved in some of my old stuff I don't want in here and I stopped caring since even if it was neat and tidy I would still feel unhappy with the things I don't want in my room. 4. I'm bad at making new friends or impressing girls because I take rejection and negative criticism extremely personal 5. I'm very attentive of flaws in other people's creations and good at suggesting improvements (which annoys the crap out of some people and makes me popular among others) 6. I'm often depressed over the feeling that I'll never achieve any of my dreams and that I will die without being remembered for anything 7. I constantly show signs of stress and anxiety 8. I am highly contemplating rewriting this post entirely to be less of an eyesore and to get the point across in a less self-centered depressing manner, but right now I'm deciding against it because often when I do that I end up feeling it's still not good enough to post anyway [editline]28th October 2013[/editline] Anyway... yeah, massive eyesore. Just wanted to get that off my chest for now, I just don't know what to do with my life anymore

Do you guys ever think of yourselves in the past tense? I've been thinking things like "I wish things had been different. I wish I was stronger. At least I tried." I'm not acutely suicidal, but I still think these things. I think of my life like it's done, like all of it has already happened and there's nothing left of it.

[QUOTE=GeneralSpecific;42681730]Do you guys ever think of yourselves in the past tense? I've been thinking things like "I wish things had been different. I wish I was stronger. At least I tried." I'm not acutely suicidal, but I still think these things. I think of my life like it's done, like all of it has already happened and there's nothing left of it.[/QUOTE] In my mind I'm just 1 week old. I burnt my past, it's so gruesome to me that I don't wanna remember it anymore. Old me was drowned, but only for me. Everyone else the silhouette of old blue me.

[QUOTE=pdp;42669370]Yeah. I have health insurance now, so I shouldn't have to put up with the $15 back door psychiatrist that I was seeing before, who did nothing but parrot what I said and presumably drew dicks in her notebook to pass the time.[/QUOTE] I'm feeling a bit the same about going to my psychiatrist. Right now I feel that since I've already established to him that I need my ADHD medication I mostly just call him when I need time extensions or my recipe or if my depression gets extreme and I need anti-depressants again (I just don't want to bother with regular check-ups to get my pills unless I'm depressed enough to negatively effect work and have frequent daydreams about suicide). A lot of the times I've talked to him it mostly just seems like he wants to make smalltalk, and I've more than once forgot what issue I was going to talk to him about because he started going into lengthy reflections on his own life or comparing my problems to the plot of star wars. I think more than a psychiatrist I'd just like to have a close friend to talk to about all this shit. I have 2 friends I hang out with frequently but I don't feel I can talk about anything with them, my old best friend was the only person I could share anything with but he's moved away and we rarely see each other anymore.

[QUOTE=Simski;42683724] I think more than a psychiatrist I'd just like to have a close friend to talk to about all this shit. I have 2 friends I hang out with frequently but I don't feel I can talk about anything with them, my old best friend was the only person I could share anything with but he's moved away and we rarely see each other anymore.[/QUOTE] A psychiatrist is just a man/woman who is specified to tackle people with problems. They aren't supposed to love you, hug you, comfort you or just be reliable. I have one friend, but he is not there most of the time. It's not easy to have no one. All the ones that used to care about me sent me to a psychiatrist and then forgot me. Just stay strong, you will eventually find someone that you can talk to who cares and is your friend or companion to live your life with.

[QUOTE=PredGD;42651278]now that I feel the only person I imagine being a good friend or something more isn't there for me and doesn't want to be seen with me, I feel more alone than I've felt in a good while. what she says is probably true and I respect that she's not capable of going to for example the cinema, but I just can't shake off the fact that I feel that she doesn't like me and doesn't want to be seen with me. I feel that she's making excuses to not meet me when what she says is probably true. ughh, I've lost motivation to get to know her any better even though I really want to know her.[/QUOTE] This sounds strikingly similar to a situation I found myself in with a girl. I wish I could give you some tips on how to approach it, but if I'm honest, it's still a mystery to me if she really had too much homework all the time of if she didn't want to be around me anymore. So, if you ever resolve the situation, I'd love to hear about it. Might help me find some peace too. Until then, good luck dude. Hang in there.

I'd really love to just talk to someone, but I'm skeptical of therapists. I need that feeling of being loved and appreciated. I feel like I won't get that with a therapist. I don't even have a friend to talk about these things with. The friends I do have are assholes and always make fun of me and my problems. All they do is make it worse. I have a friend that I occasionally talk to over steam, but he seems disinterested when I complain to him and I just really need the physical aspect of it too. I don't know what to do. It's getting hard to wake up in the morning and go to classes. I'm just in a really shit position right now. I went back to the Super Friendly Social thread and said some stupid things, and it made me feel like complete shit yesterday. I actually cried for the first time in a long time. It felt good, but it felt terrible at the same time. I just need someone. :(

[QUOTE=GeneralSpecific;42681730]Do you guys ever think of yourselves in the past tense? I've been thinking things like "I wish things had been different. I wish I was stronger. At least I tried." I'm not acutely suicidal, but I still think these things. I think of my life like it's done, like all of it has already happened and there's nothing left of it.[/QUOTE] I wish I could relive my entire age past 5 with my current knowledge on what not to do. I made a lot of mistakes that I'm not proud of. [editline]30th October 2013[/editline] But funny enough my shrink told me today that my expectations of myself are too high, and I just need to not have them. But I don't agree. My high expectations got me out of a pile of shit and into improving myself, such as going to therapy and planning for the future.

What do you guys consider just the point where lecturing in parenting is no longer lecturing, but verbal abuse? I'm just curious, so this only a opened ended, random question.

When you get to the point that they're 'raising [their] voice'. It's 'not yelling' though, which makes it okay. Right?

Depends what you get out of it. I still think of all the shouting and verbal abuse as parenting, because it made me change my mind on parenting and my life in general. I'm usually not saying stuff because it made me feel so useless that I can't do what I want and envy to do.

[QUOTE=Jookia;42713647]When you get to the point that they're 'raising [their] voice'. It's 'not yelling' though, which makes it okay. Right?[/QUOTE] There has been times it's gone beyond that, sadly. It kinda all rooted from when I used to play hockey, but it all came to an end 2 years ago, when I quit. I have been playing since I was 6. I would never have an answer for why I wouldn't play my best as a kid sometimes, and it would only make it worse. I feared for every drive home after an actual game, and before every game I would get butterflies to the point where I could vomit. I can say it has affected myself in someway, if not every-way.

The only person I really cared about in my life has disappeared. I have no idea when or IF they're coming back. I feel like that moment when you've been shot, but the pain hasn't hit yet- still in denial. How do I deal with the crash and spiral into depression when it comes? I might have just lost the one person who brought me back up every time I was down, the one person who taught me to be confident in myself and that I wasn't a failure, that my life is a heap of possibility, and that I can do what I want... I just lost the person who taught me how to be happy. Somebody. Please. Help. I want to know how to make it through this without nearly killing myself again. Two or so years back, I was suicidal- about to slice my wrists. He talked me out of it over the phone. He came to my house, took the razor from me and buried it. He told me I wasn't worthless, after my parents had yelled it in my face until it was almost like a name, stamped in my mind. I don't want to feel the pain I know is coming. I know I'll have to. How do I deal with it? I don't want to default, I don't want to go back to trying to make myself think like a psychopath, no emotion, just to avoid pain.

I think someone should make a steam group so we can all chat.

I'd be down for that.