Depression, anxiety, suicidalism and similar disorders, issues and troubles V3 - Discussion, help an - General

I feel sick with myself because I have a problem with my best friend's little sister, and I know nothing can happen from these feelings but it makes me feel bad still. I see her for what she is, a beautiful young woman, yet I can't communicate this to her because her brother's would kill me, and I think she has a boyfriend now too so he'd probably want to kill me too. I figured that out by being a designated driver for her graduation party. I don't even care though, I've never wanted to be with her because I already saw it as impossible, I just want an honest friendship with a beautiful woman with no awkwardness but I can't do it. There's something really disheartening from a standpoint being 20, never having a girlfriend or sex, and you're driving your best friends 16 year old sister's boyfriend so he can make out with her, I want to be normal, I want to be with someone. I don't even feel like a man because no one seems to look at me like I am one. I've honestly seen my best friends sister like she was my own sister, pretty much because I've been around her and hung out with her longer then I have my own sister. My sister left me and my brother and went to Iowa when I was young. I can say the same about my best friends, they're my brothers because I've been around them longer and done more with them then I have with my own brother, though I admit my brother has actually tried to be a part of my life. I meet my friends from the school bus, and it turned out my brother was friends with their brother, so that made for interesting conversation. I slowly became their friend. When I was first getting to know them, I knew they had a sister, but she was young when I first came around, me being 16 and she being 13, and she was their little sister, so I respected that boundary. I'd say hi but never engage in conversation because in my mind, I just didn't want to do anything that could be construed as me liking her. She even added me on myspace back in the day to try and talk to me, and I couldn't because I respected that boundary so much. Time passes, I'm 19, she's 15(3 1/3 year difference). I've been these guys friend for 3 years, so I'm used to things around my friends house. One day though, I was hanging in one of my friends rooms with his sister and his girlfriend, he left for a second. I get asked by his sister why I don't "talk to girls", but I was just extremely shy and respectful of that boundary. It made me feel bad because in trying to not construe myself in a bad manner, I neglected making friendships with my best friends sister and girlfriends, so I've tried to change that. Things were going fine until I misconstrued things and made a fool of myself. I assumed she didn't view me as a friend and I sent her a nasty text thinking that what I had said was appropriate, turned out I was dead ass wrong. I nearly lost my friends because they viewed what I said as trying to make everyone fight one another, I just wanted everyone to look at themselves and think "What's wrong with what I am doing?", but I fucked up. After that I got in an argument with her brother that nearly made me and them not friends anymore, and while my one friend was mad at me, he told me to delete his sisters number and stop talking to her because "I talk shit to her", when the last thing I sent to her around that time was a text saying "Hey whats up?", because I wanted to ask her if I could work in photoshop on a drawing she did. My argument with him didn't even concern her, he just told me that to make me sad or angry, and he did that. It just seemed petty as fuck that just because we're arguing, to make someone not related to the argument hate you because of a different situation. I deserved to be yelled at during that, though my friend has a fucking anger problem and needs to address it, but how do you tell someone who get's angry at little things to stop getting angry at little things? I think the reason I like her so much is because she embodies all I want in a woman, someone who's strong, intelligent, and independent, and because I see her as a friend I want to be her friend, I don't have many friends anyway. Women with these traits are irresistible to me, though because of who I am, impossible to be with, either for bullshit drama or because of boundary issues.

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Large vent text dump incoming. (don't read this shit) My depression keeps getting worse despite my best efforts to drive it off. It seems that no matter what I do, it never gets better. I began writing stories to try and capture the feelings of loneliness and desperation Im feeling, and somehow improve my writing using that. I then realized that I'm a fucking terrible writer. I'm in a weight lifting class in school and I go to the gym every other night to try and improve my overall health. Which helps me keep my mind off of my depression. But there's always something to ruin my good mood. And today, that something is my best friend. I see him every day at school and he's a pretty cool guy, but he never stops talking about his girlfriend and the things they do. If you know anything about me, you know that I have trouble with relationships. And seeing him, an ugly, stupid motherfucker, get it so easily just drives me crazy. I keep myself dressed nice, and well groomed, but all that stuff just seems to not work. And this guy, who is easily the dumbest person I've met, manages to get the girl I've been trying to ask out for months in the blink of an eye. Not only that, but he also will not shut the fuck up about it when I ask him to. Another thing, my step dad used to tell me that I'd never be anything important. And I'm starting to wonder if he was right. I'm not doing good in school, I'm not sure of what I want to do for a career, and I'm a depressed, angry asshole. I don't sleep good anymore, I never can get to sleep until about 2 in the morning, and I feel like shit because of it. And seeing people being happy pisses me off. I have no idea why. /end rant Like I said, don't read that if you don't like angst.

I think I've finally 'shelled'. For most of my life I've had anxiety issues and depression and general bullshit that doesn't matter issues, and I think I finally just got over it. I've been working with myself over the past year to inject myself into situations I'm not comfortable with and facing things I was scared of, but along side that I started drinking and smoking weed to deal with the depression I had as well. So after a good 5-7 months of getting wasted, I emotionally dive bombed and lost my shit. Now I feel nothing, and by that I mean I feel completely cool around people now. I went out drinking and clubbing with my buddy for his 19th birthday two weeks ago and for the first time I just relaxed even though in that situation I would normally be freaked out and skittish. I can even talk to chicks without even considering what they think of me, as where before I would be rather obsessed with not setting a bad impression on people, or I'd be scared of looking like a creep or something. I strived to be normal and I have succeeded. Best wishes to everyone else who is/was constrained by themselves.

[QUOTE=Cureless;39809666]I think I've finally 'shelled'. For most of my life I've had anxiety issues and depression and general bullshit that doesn't matter issues, and I think I finally just got over it. I've been working with myself over the past year to inject myself into situations I'm not comfortable with and facing things I was scared of, but along side that I started drinking and smoking weed to deal with the depression I had as well. So after a good 5-7 months of getting wasted, I emotionally dive bombed and lost my shit. Now I feel nothing, and by that I mean I feel completely cool around people now. I went out drinking and clubbing with my buddy for his 19th birthday two weeks ago and for the first time I just relaxed even though in that situation I would normally be freaked out and skittish. I can even talk to chicks without even considering what they think of me, as where before I would be rather obsessed with not setting a bad impression on people, or I'd be scared of looking like a creep or something. I strived to be normal and I have succeeded. Best wishes to everyone else who is/was constrained by themselves.[/QUOTE] Nice man! Good job! Now just incase you ever get a tad bit depressed again just remember you fixed yourself and you can do it again!

I'm just going to repost this from the previous thread since the post itself ended up closing the thread unanswered. I need your opinions on this. [quote]My parents recently decided to have me go to this social group once each month so that it'll help me stop spending too much time on the computer and actually make more friends and be more social. While I don't think this is really the best solution to the problem and wish they wouldn't force this upon me, I will admit that I've been spending too much time inside my room doing almost nothing productive besides the occasional mapping in Hammer and that I'll probably have a really shitty future if I keep this up. I don't know, what do you guys think?[/quote]

[QUOTE=cheetahben;39796283]I've been in and out of mental institutions for my suicidal ideations, and I think I'm ready. I always feel good when I'm in these places, but then I go into the real world and see everyone else being so fucking happy with all of their friends. I don't think I'll ever be ready to go into the real world.[/QUOTE] Fuck that, send me a message and we can talk. I've been through that shit and it's been hard every single day, it still is. You can get through this just like I am.

Life is a joke, so laugh and die.

[QUOTE=OutOfPop;39815190]Life is a joke, so laugh and die.[/QUOTE] Laugh, live, and laugh some more.

I don't like myself. I'm a short guy, not a muscular person, and my teeth have always been bad. When I was a kid I fucked off, around middle school I got regular on dental hygiene, then I tripped and chipped my top front left tooth, and somehow a cavity formed in it, and then that took over the tooth, and my other 3 front top teeth. I had to have 4 root canals when I was in my junior year of high school, so understand from the time frame between middle school and those root canals and permanents was about 5 years. 5 Years of not wanting to smile because of shame. 5 Years of not wanting to talk to women I didn't know because I felt like I was gross. And now even with new teeth, I've still developed cavities. I just recently stopped brushing regularly because I feel like it does nothing. It mean it does for my breath, but, I can't see a difference in my teeth if they're all clean and white with black spots, or looks like I ate food all day and didn't brush with black spots.

I've known it for a while now and had issues in the past, but I have nobody who actually gives a shit about me, I think my Mum is the only one. Some girl at work, I thought I would ask when she's going for lunch to the canteen so I could go too, etc... Time comes and she just walks past me and out of the door, comes back 3 mins later, gets her bag and goes out again. She comes back after dinner saying she's sorry since she forgot and what not. It obviously wasn't important to her since you don't just randomly forget about something like that unless you're not bothered. I've not spoke to my best friend in a while either since alot of bad stuff happened for him in real and so he stopped playing video games and so I've had little communication with him, hopefully we will be playing Sim City this Saturday, but I doubt it. My other friend has just randomly stopped speaking to me and is refusing to play games with me for whatever reason, I've not even done anything wrong. Basically, I have no friends at all and it's pretty damn depressing, only reason I still feel like getting up is to get money and to play games.

I hate how my friends don't seem to understand me. They always make jokes about how I'm short, never had a girlfriend, and because I don't have a job, etc. It's kinda sickening, I do so much for these people just to get belittled and thrown aside, at least that's how I feel sometimes. I mean fuck, I like jokes, when you drag shit on and keep thinking your funny time and time and time and time again, god dammit shut the fuck up. Why don't you sit on a stool upside down? Why don't you find a fat chick? Why won't you stop making stupid jokes like this, for fucks sake me and all my friends are out of high school, and they act like jokes like this are funny, they are, just not a fucking thousand god damn times, grow the fuck up and come up with something that's actually worth repeating as a joke. I don't like gay jokes because they're mean in two ways to me, I'm not gay, and I've never had a girlfriend, so what do I have to prove against it to anyone that isn't a biased asshole to me? I wish I had at least one girlfriend so gay jokes had a little less sting to them then they do now I can't make myself happy so I've tried to find happiness through making others happy, but that's not working out either. I want a job so bad yet no one will call back. When I call a job, they say they'll get someone to call me, it never happens. Why can't I get a job?

I highly suggest getting an apprenticeship, it's probably the easiest way to get a job, you get a qualification at the end too, the only downside is that the pay is poop. I got into an apprenticeship very fast, I changed my CV to look nice and instantly got one.

[QUOTE=TrannyAlert;39819334]I highly suggest getting an apprenticeship, it's probably the easiest way to get a job, you get a qualification at the end too, the only downside is that the pay is poop. I got into an apprenticeship very fast, I changed my CV to look nice and instantly got one.[/QUOTE] There's seriously no where I could apprentice at in this desert unless say, I wanted to become a key maker and locksmith. All other jobs are commercial (IE, Wal-Mart, McDonalds, etc) or family owned (gun stores, tile and stone working stores, smoke shops, etc) I want out of this desert, and I wish I had someone to be with who I could confide in.. I feel numb. I have so many regrets, and every good opportunity I've had in my life I've fucked up or ruined...

[QUOTE=purvisdavid1;39819314]I hate how my friends don't seem to understand me. They always make fun of me because I'm short, never had a girlfriend, and because I don't have a job. It's kinda sickening, I do so much for these people just to get belittled and thrown aside. I can't make myself happy so I've tried to find happiness through others, but that's not working out either. I want a job so bad yet no one will call back. When I call a job, they say they'll get someone to call me, it never happens. Why can't I get a job?[/QUOTE] They don't seem like very good friends if they're making fun of you over trivial things. While the weather may be bad today the sun will come out eventually, keep on going even if it's hopeless. I like to watch this whenever i feel incredibly depressive. [video=youtube;TcPRF9slENI]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TcPRF9slENI[/video]

Damn, if you really want a job though, I suggest putting everything aside and literally knocking on stores and asking. You could also knock on peoples' doors and literally ask them if they have any jobs they want doing, alot of people wouldn't mind saving time by some guy mowing their lawn etc

[QUOTE=geogzm;39764637]OP reminded me how goddamn relaxing bob ross' shows are I'll be right back, I'm sinking in to my chair with a dr pepper and an episode.[/QUOTE] Watching Bob Ross always cheers me up.

[QUOTE=TrannyAlert;39819441]Damn, if you really want a job though, I suggest putting everything aside and literally knocking on stores and asking.[/QUOTE] I tried that. I tried turning applications in at AMPM, Big 5 Sporting Goods, Wal Mart, Food4Less, McDonalds, Applebee's, a local office supply store, Carls Jr, the cemetery where my mother is interned, and USA gasoline. All busts. [QUOTE=TrannyAlert;39819441]You could also knock on peoples' doors and literally ask them if they have any jobs they want doing, alot of people wouldn't mind saving time by some guy mowing their [b]lawn[/b] etc[/QUOTE] I live in the desert. What's a lawn. [editline]6th March 2013[/editline] [QUOTE=gazzy_GUI;39819430]They don't seem like very good friends if they're making fun of you over trivial things. While the weather may be bad today the sun will come out eventually, keep on going even if it's hopeless. I like to watch this whenever i feel incredibly depressive.[/QUOTE] 56K is another fucking thing I hate about where I live. I'm stuck in the fucking 90's.

buy tickets to england and ill let you live with me under my bed.

[QUOTE=TrannyAlert;39819522]buy tickets to england and ill let you live with me under my bed.[/QUOTE] Um, no. That doesn't sound any better, because then I'd be in debt from the tickets and I'd be living under a bed. I can't wait until I'm 25 when I get an inheritance from my passed on great grandmother, because I want to invest in real estate. I want to own something that I can be proud of, and there's nothing more desirable then a house. I've wanted one as a goal since 15. I don't like living with my dad still, it makes me feel like an entrenched bastard...

[QUOTE=purvisdavid1;39819476] [editline]6th March 2013[/editline] 56K is another fucking thing I hate about where I live. I'm stuck in the fucking 90's.[/QUOTE] The audio's the most important thing about that video [URL="https://dl.dropbox.com/u/40727815/Stephen%20Fry%20talks%20about%20his%20depression.mp3"]So i'll rip it and upload it (4.5MB)[/URL]

[QUOTE=gazzy_GUI;39819594]The audio's the most important thing about that video [URL="https://dl.dropbox.com/u/40727815/Stephen%20Fry%20talks%20about%20his%20depression.mp3"]So i'll rip it and upload it (4.5MB)[/URL][/QUOTE] Well, at least this'll take 30 minutes... I wish I had someone in real life that I could honestly talk with, I wish my best friends sister saw me as a friend enough to want to talk to me... Yesterday was her birthday, so her brother asked if I'd take him, his girlfriend, and his sister to the movies, I agreed. Everyone minus her thanked me for doing that... I don't even know why I keep trying, it's futile. I want to be her friend too, not just her brother's friend. I hate my awkwardness. I just want friendship with women, I'm not a fucking smooth person, I'm a nice guy but I lack socially so much because I'm insecure as fuck. I figured I'd make friends with my best friends sister because, even though I do see that she's a beautiful young woman, she's my best friends little sister, I don't have romantic or sexual attraction for her, if anything she's a role model for the type of woman I want. But I fucked up and I took conversation with her for granted. I feel like a bastard.

[QUOTE=purvisdavid1;39819556]Um, no. That doesn't sound any better, because then I'd be in debt from the tickets and I'd be living under a bed. I can't wait until I'm 25 when I get an inheritance from my passed on great grandmother, because I want to invest in real estate. I want to own something that I can be proud of, and there's nothing more desirable then a house. I've wanted one as a goal since 15. I don't like living with my dad still, it makes me feel like an entrenched bastard...[/QUOTE] wowe I offer you a better place to find jobs, free housing, free nightly fucks. how dare u

[QUOTE=TrannyAlert;39819789]wowe I offer you a [b]better place to find jobs, free housing, free nightly fucks.[/b] how dare u[/QUOTE] That's pretty suggestive honestly. I don't see anything appealing with England other then going to the only European country where English is the primary language so I don't have to learn another language. That and I don't think I'd take well to changing units of measurement and monetary differences. If anything I'd visit England, never live there. Edit: I feel like my life since I got a car has actually gotten worse. I can't maintain money because it goes to gas. I didn't even want the car, my dad was trying to help my great uncle out because he's an old idiot, he was driving an unregistered, unmaintained, 1999 2 door dodge neon with an expired license. He didn't even have the pink slip because the dealership fucked up and didn't pay 37$ to the CA DMV, and because he's old and stingy as hell, he figured he didn't have to pay shit. He got pulled over too many times, so my dad decided to take it upon himself to take the car off his hands. He was going to get him to pay the pink slip fee, but he still refused, so my dad paid it, and while at the DMV he told my dad and DMV officials he was giving the car away as a gift. Two days later, we go down to pick the car up and drop it off at a mechanic, he wanted us to pay $2000 for that car. No fucking way. My dad gave him a down payment of $300 and said anything put into the car in garage bills and me driving him around would take off the amount too. So after $300, and another $1300 at the mechanic, we owed him $400. I drove him around for $10 an hour and $10 gas, being paid by my dad. The whole intention of getting the car running was to help my great uncle out, but being the two faced bastard he is he tried to screw us when we were doing the right thing, so we're not that happy with him. But he is old and mentally declining, what can you really do other than help the man out? I don't like it because I only get $2 from him, he thinks $2 for me to drive 30-40 miles to help him out is fair. Fuck my life.

I'm beginning to scare myself a little. I keep having drastic mood swings and often go from happy to depressed psychotic maniac in a split second. What the hell is going on with me?

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so iv been keeping a secret... from every one... iv never told any one before... there's more than one person in my head... not like schizophrenia but more like mpd... lately its been bad.. they've been having more of a hold and have been tring to get through more, especially her... my fiance has been notesing me acting weird lately and wants to know why... iv been with her for more than 2 years... iv never told her... im going to tell her everything to day... hopefully she thinks im not crazy, or for the most part... or better yet want be super mad that iv been keeping a secret for 2 years from her.

My psychologist recommended two wonderful books to me for anxiety, thought I'd share. They're both by David Burns; Ten Days to Self Esteem and When Panic Attacks. They're magnificent and truly helpful.

My therapist recommended "The Chemistry of Joy", but I've seen mixed reviews on it. She can be a bit new-agey at times which is good for getting new perspectives on things but it makes me automatically wary of any suggested reading material. Any opinions on it?

I've recently gone through the realization that I have a lot of repressed mental health issues, and upon realizing them, which was spurred on by another event, I've begun to feel worse and worse about myself. I don't even feel like myself anymore - I just feel like a husk, and I'm simultaneously ashamed of who I am and hopeful that others will accept me. However, I constantly feel the pressures of rejection, despite being a relatively attractive young guy. No matter what I do, I still feel ashamed of who I am, of what I do, and I can never shake it. I go to a fairly prestigious college, I was incredibly successful last semester, and I was dating a girl who I'm still pining over (she took to herself after her mother's cancer returned, we're actually meeting back up for the first time in a while when we get back from break). However, this semester, I just dropped the ball. I quit rowing, I dropped a ton of my friends, and I feel like my schoolwork is never good enough. I have this inexplicable self-loathing, and I know that it's only self-imposed due to the onset of this realization. Right before I left for break, I finally admitted that I had a problem and sought counseling, which is incredibly helpful. I write a lot to work out my issues, but talking to someone has definitely helped (despite only having seen her twice). I still suffer from these feelings, but I'm hoping to implement a schedule to adhere to that will allow me to be more productive and less lethargic. I guess that the point is, I've come to the realization that a lot of my own problems with myself are internalized struggles that have evolved into something ugly and cancerous. They're extremely hard to fight off, and some days I lose (today I went out to get food, but then stayed home and played video games), but every day that I win (I finally worked up the courage to talk to a girl in a coffeeshop two days ago!) makes me feel great. I also highly recommend Buddhist literature, which has helped me greatly in my attempts to break free from the stranglehold depression has over me. I've found that my own problems, being based within myself, do not implicate others - so the feelings that I have of paranoia and social anxiety reside completely within my self-concept, which makes it a lot easier to fight, because I can confront it whenever I want. I don't really know where I intended to go with this, as it's 4:30 AM, but it's something.