Depression, anxiety, suicidalism and similar disorders, issues and troubles V3 - Discussion, help an - General

Ugh hitting an all time low.... feeling shitty... I argue with everyone all the time and I'm a fucking mess. Sometimes I wonder if my mom and step dad would even care if I were gone... my mom is always talking about how she's tired of me and hates me..

Had a stressful time trying to talk to people in chatrooms on steam. Got hounded for a simple grammar mistake, Do people really get so riled up because i accidentally capitalize a fucking word? Dickheads. It really has got me feeling down at the moment. Im gonna try again. EDIT Gonna Refriend someone on steam, its company but awfully shit company. Company nonetheless is gonna make me feel a bit better.

Nothing like sleeping on/off mode for 19 hours, straight from friday to sunday

You put people first, and they tell you "Put yourself first." You put yourself first, and they tell you "Stop being so full of yourself." You never win in the end and I don't know what to do any more.

That's usually about the time you figure out that you simply have to find a balance between both. Put yourself first but don't do it when it fucks other people over.

For fucks sake, today I had a driving test so I booked a few driving lessons to get ready and was going to use the driving instructor's car. Turns out the office fucked up the times and I ended up missing a lesson beforehand and had to drive down to the licensing center with my dad at the last minute to use another instructor's car that I wasn't familiar with (it was also older and more rickety). I ended up failing for a [U]fourth[/U] time because I was so stressed out. I'm really pissed off at myself because I know I could have passed, but I was so panicked I couldn't focus on driving. I even messed up the tester's instructions sometimes. I'm 20 next week and I still don't have a licence despite the fact I drive reasonably well, this is really starting to get to me. Almost everyone I know is driving and I'm starting to lose contact with a lot of people because I can't get out without asking for a lift. It's probably nothing compare to what some of you guys are going though but I just need to vent a bit.

[img]http://media.tumblr.com/48f759d6e16676a32b2b8207d0a17ff6/tumblr_inline_mwgzygid8q1qgx55j.jpg[/img] What happens when you grow up and you have not learned anything?? Why don't I know anything?!

I've been lurking for a while now, I haven't felt like posting before now; even though I've been slightly depressed for a while. But it's never as bad as it has been this last month. It started a few months ago when I was stumbling around town drunk , I met this seemingly happy energetic girl and her boyfriend, and we spoke for several hours and I clicked with him and her. The next day they added me on Facebook and they invited me to come and party with them in "their" city next weekend. The next weekend I got on the bus and went there; I met up with them and had a good time until the little group we were in split up. That night ended with her being shitfaced and pouring out her whole life story, how she was sexually abused by her uncle, and that she suffered from bulimia. I've always been a insecure lonely person. But she started talking to me after this night, and got me to open myself to her, and she opened herself to me. She quickly rose to become my closest and most trusted friend, we told each other everything that bothered us, all secrets and so on. This was one of the best times of my life so far, finally someone that I can talk to, finally someone that I can trust. But this where all went downhill, she started talking about her bulimia, it started to consume all the time we spent chatting. I tried all the best I could to try to get her to realize what she was doing was wrong. But she insisted on that eating was dangerous because the voice in her head told her so. It was so heartbreaking to hear about her bulimia the things that nobody except me and another one of her friends heard, "I purged 16 times today, 16." "I ate 70 calories today, am I going to get fat?" "There was some blood in my puke." This slowly started to suck the happiness out of me, and made me anxious and made my mood go down. But I still stood beside her because she was my best friend, someone has to support her right? And she always tried to get me to feel better about myself. And now to the thing that possibly is going to be the end of our friendship. I accidentally hurt her feelings pretty bad last night and she was sad because she couldn't make me happy, so her boyfriend was furious at me for making her cry. He basically sent me "Pull the stick out your ass, and cheer up you have no reason to be sad" (He sent this because he knows that I've been feeling sad lately, but not knowing that I was depressed). So today when I was chatting with the girl about what he said, I hatched the sentence "Well if I should just cheer up when I'm depressed, maybe he should stop seeing and hearing things (I think he's developing schizophrenia) and maybe he should magically cure his ADHD". This upset her greatly and she said that she was disappointed in me for "smack talking" her boyfriend. And told me about how much closer they got now when he was starting to get sick, and that I shouldn't talk smack about his ADHD even though I didn't. Soooo, after this she said that she wants to abandon our friendship, and then she said that we maybe should take a pause from chatting for like a week, so she gets to think what she wants to do with our friendship. And this is making me feel like shit, me hurting my best friend, and her possibly abandoning me out of the blue. Sorry about the messy and inconsistent text. TLDR; Met best friend, best friend bulimic, mood goes to shit, hurt best friend, best friend is probably gonna leave me.

[QUOTE=Ponu;42915512]Pretty shitty situation.[/QUOTE] Mind if I offer some advice? Give her her space. Give her her week to think about things. When the time comes around, make sure to apologize before anything else is said. Perhaps not for what exactly you said or why, but apologize that things ended up this messy and that you hurt her, even though you didn't mean to. Apologize for offending her boyfriend, but don't let it slide that he hurt your feelings too. Acknowledge that it was wrong for you to retaliate like that, but let it be known that he also hurt you with his words. Let her know that if she wants to end this friendship like this, that it's up to her. You can't make her do anything. All you should ask is that she listens to your apology and hears your side. Maybe that'll patch things up, or maybe she'll want to go her separate ways. That's her prerogative though. [i]Do not[/i] exert any emotional pressure. It is paramount that she knows not only that you're sorry that things happened like this, that you're willing to make up if she is, and that you'll be okay if she doesn't want this anymore. Only then can you worry about this bulimia stuff. Given these quotes; [quote=BFF]"I purged 16 times today, 16." "I ate 70 calories today, am I going to get fat?" "There was some blood in my puke."[/quote] It's likely that her habit has less to do with being thin than it does with crying out for help. I admit that I don't know a lot about it, and I'm doing some reading on similar cases between sentences. What I know I can tell you for certain that this is not something easy to get past in any sense of the word. [url=http://www.something-fishy.org/isf/mentalhealth.php]This article[/url] offers a good amount of information on the subject. I would also recommend reading [url=http://www.nytimes.com/books/first/c/pierre-eating.html]this[/url] as well. It's long, yes, very long, but it's really an incredible story. Take it from the guy with ADD who just poured through the whole thing in one go. :v: If you noticed in the first URL, it stresses the importance of doing research before jumping to conclusions. I am some random dude on the internet whose never met this girl before, and I can link you debatable relevant articles until I reach the fabled last page of a Google search, but it's up to you to figure out how it would be best to approach this subject (though I would strongly advise the adjective "carefully"). Still! The first step before you even [i]consider[/i] whether her bulimia is your responsibility in the first place is to give her her space and apologize. On a note unrelated to the quote but related to the topic of this thread, I tried medication today. I got some pills that are supposed to help me with anxiety attacks. I had put off trying them at first because I got shit to do and I don't want to be out and about driving or working a job while hopped up on medication that I can't know how I'll react to. However, this morning, when my alarm clock failed to alarm at all, making me late for class, I elected to not go in exchange for a test with the meds. If I went today, I would likely have gained little from the class, anyway. This morning's debacle set the cogs of anxiety into full swing. I can say for certainty now that they definitely work. I stopped feeling agitated within an hour. Now, I feel more at peace than I'm used to. I sat down and watched 2 hours of Game Grumps and I didn't feel a bit antsy or lazy. In total I haven't moved from my spot on the bed with this laptop for about 5 hours now. Dunno if this'll be a viable option for me if I have a job or a class to attend in a day, as it's quite clear that it eliminates my sensitivity to laziness. Maybe I'll give it a shot tomorrow when I go to work. In conclusion, I'm pretty happy with this. It's like the shadow of the threat of failure has been replaced with an "It'll work itself out" attitude. Maybe that'll create some problems somewhere down the line but it's too early to say.

[QUOTE=Raxas;42916594]Loads of text[/QUOTE] Thanks for the advice. Even though she stated that she wants a break, she called me and started sending messages on Facebook. I apologized to her, and her boyfriend. And she says that she's hurt and disappointed in me. But I guess It's okay for her to feel that way right now. So I believe our friendship will survive, but it will be limping for quite a while now. But I think she's been pretty clear with the bulimia thing. She's stated that she doesn't want to get cured, because she says she wants to hit 30kg and be thin and beautiful; and that she doesn't want to get "brainwashed" by some therapist to "believe" that she is beautiful, even though she already is. And she's been talking to a eating disorder oriented therapist, but she always lied to the therapist, and she doesn't want to go there anymore. I think I'll sit this out for a while and look where it takes me.

[QUOTE=Ponu;42917472]Thanks for the advice. Even though she stated that she wants a break, she called me and started sending messages on Facebook. I apologized to her, and her boyfriend. And she says that she's hurt and disappointed in me. But I guess It's okay for her to feel that way right now. So I believe our friendship will survive, but it will be limping for quite a while now. But I think she's been pretty clear with the bulimia thing. She's stated that she doesn't want to get cured, because she says she wants to hit 30kg and be thin and beautiful; and that she doesn't want to get "brainwashed" by some therapist to "believe" that she is beautiful, even though she already is. And she's been talking to a eating disorder oriented therapist, but she always lied to the therapist, and she doesn't want to go there anymore. I think I'll sit this out for a while and look where it takes me.[/QUOTE] Well it's good to hear that she's talking to you. Maybe it's just the way you phrased it, but nothing you said indicated that she feels that her boyfriend was out of line at all. The issue was between you and her, and his concern for her is entirely understandable, but it's out of line to try to bring resolution to the issue by acting unpleasant to you. If you let it slide, you affirm that such behavior was acceptable, and run the risk of finding yourself in such a situation again in the future. But! It might still be a bit early for tackling these issues if she's still feeling emotional about it. No one is pissed or upset, so you seem to be handling this well so far. I think you'll do the right thing. You seem like a cool dude. :v: As far as the bulimia thing goes... It's a potentially dangerous subject. I'm no expert! It's entirely up to you how to handle it, if you even want to take up such a tremendous responsibility in the first place. I think you'll be alright though. Best of luck to you man.

I've had a bit of trouble coming to terms with who I am recently and I have no idea what to do... I've always know I was asexual and I had a crush on a male friend in high school. I just absolutely hate being asexual. Sure it might be nice some times but if I had a choice I would be sexual. I want to be able to find a partner one day. I do want to experience the intimacy of of being in love with some one, unfortunately for me sex is an important part of nearly all relation ships. Knowing that I'll very probably be sexually incompatible with any one I ever fall for. That what I seek will probably forever be unobtainable. Most of the time I'm able to push it aside and not think about it and do my best to ignore these feelings, however every couple of week some thing manages to remind me of this and it hurts like hell. These thought came up again most recently this Sunday. I was alright on Monday but it kept slowly eating me up and could not sleep, went to bed at 4:30 am. Today it really got to me and I had a hard time keeping it together at college. I feel like life has screwed me over. I [B]don't want[/B] to be asexual =( I'm in the prime of my life and I feel as if a key part of being human has been robed from me. And now I have an English paper to rewrite by tomorrow and I have no idea how I'm going to do it mentally or physically. crap.

Lately, I just go home and sleep due to a recent break up, I can't really find a reason to stay out of bed. I sleep for roughly 10 hours every day. I just feel like there's no reason to do anything aside from band stuff anymore, like what's the point in waking up another day just to carry one foot in front of the other in a futile existence only to be further reminded of the past, and the mistakes you have made. Fuck me man.

[QUOTE=S33T;42924594]Lately, I just go home and sleep due to a recent break up, I can't really find a reason to stay out of bed. I sleep for roughly 10 hours every day. I just feel like there's no reason to do anything aside from band stuff anymore, like what's the point in waking up another day just to carry one foot in front of the other in a futile existence only to be further reminded of the past, and the mistakes you have made. Fuck me man.[/QUOTE] this is a common symptom of a hard break up. It happened to me, for about a month I was in bed pretty much all the time. You get back on your feet eventually, and sometimes you need a little help to get there.

[QUOTE=Glitchman;42924673]this is a common symptom of a hard break up. It happened to me, for about a month I was in bed pretty much all the time. You get back on your feet eventually, and sometimes you need a little help to get there.[/QUOTE] Is it really? That's pretty interesting. Yeah my routine is this. Wake up at six am, Fight the urge to vomit, Vomit. Get out of bed, Pull on clothes, School, Facepunch while at school, Go home, Eat, Sleep, Wake up for band practice, Practice, Come home, Get high, Go to bed. Repeat. It sucks, I wish I didn't have to come home to an empty bed every night. Edit: I should mention its been 68 days since the breakup.

I tried talking someone out of their depression spiral last night. Made me realize that I fucking appreciate people being there when I was in that situation because that shit's hard, and it also made me laugh because it was a situation where the blind was leading the blind. I suck at giving advice, yet people keep coming to me, especially for relationship shit which makes me even more confused

[QUOTE=S33T;42924694]Is it really? That's pretty interesting. Yeah my routine is this. Wake up at six am, Fight the urge to vomit, Vomit. Get out of bed, Pull on clothes, School, Facepunch while at school, Go home, Eat, Sleep, Wake up for band practice, Practice, Come home, Get high, Go to bed. Repeat. It sucks, I wish I didn't have to come home to an empty bed every night. Edit: I should mention its been 68 days since the breakup.[/QUOTE] My breakup was in July and it's still like this for me, except replace school with work. And I don't smoke. AT LEAST you have band practice. That is awesome. Embrace it. Try to do more things like this, or focus on it. A passion will help you forget, and want to share it with other people. You can make new friends/lovers this way. I wake up, go to work for 9 hours, come home, sleep, wake up to eat, watch a few videos on the computer, then sleep for the night. On weekends I go out and play pool at a sleazy bar

I feel like my parents pretty much control me. They've sheltered me for pretty much my whole life. Now, I'm finally an adult and ~live on my own (campus housing), and I still feel like I can't do anything without their approval. I have to ask them permission for everything. I mean, I could do whatever I wanted, but if they found out I did something they didn't approve of, even something really petty, they would berate me and restrict things from me. I have a bank account that my grandparents have funneled money into over the years for me. This money is mostly for college, and I intend for most of it to go to college, which it has. They can view all the transactions I make, and I have to ask permission to buy whatever I want. I understand that they don't want me wasting my money, but it's my money now. I should have complete control over what I buy. They've allowed me to buy some things, but now they're restricting me because I've been asking to buy too many things. Most of the things bought are things that I've needed or things that I enjoy to do: food/skateboard/clothes. Now, I'm trying to purchase a guitar for myself because I enjoy playing the guitar, and it helps me relax and forget about my depression, but they've barred me from buying it. It's been pissing me off. I feel like I have little control over my life. I don't know what to do.

Recently been thinking about my mortality. Maybe its just easier to die via starvation and thirsting myself. I am so screwed at school, better that im dead so im not a hinderance.

[QUOTE=KennyAwsum;42937074]Recently been thinking about my mortality. Maybe its just easier to die via starvation and thirsting myself. I am so screwed at school, better that im dead so im not a hinderance.[/QUOTE] I tried this once. I got pretty depressed and stopped drinking and eating pretty much. I ended up in the hospital with several abdominal/esophagus spasms. Worst pain I've ever felt, do not do this. No really you start puking your own spit in the most painful way.

[QUOTE=Glitchman;42937347]I tried this once. I got pretty depressed and stopped drinking and eating pretty much. I ended up in the hospital with several abdominal/esophagus spasms. Worst pain I've ever felt, do not do this. No really you start puking your own spit in the most painful way.[/QUOTE] Sometimes i feel like i suffer no matter what i do. Can't get any worse than its already been.

I guess you just have to appreciate the little things. I honestly hated everything about my life, felt pain no matter what, ect. When I was in the hospital I found myself wishing I could just breath and swallow on my own again. When I got out, and I could, I felt pretty good. I just have to remind myself that even just living, breathing, and experiencing the world is something to be grateful for.

[QUOTE=Glitchman;42938123]I just have to remind myself that even just living, breathing, and experiencing the world is something to be grateful for.[/QUOTE] I just feel its easier for everyone for me to let go. I really do respect your optimism, i'll see if i have the drive to eat anything today.

I kind of feel like writing about my suicide attempt. Would anybody read it if posted?

I guess I'll do it. Before I attempted, I spent a lot of time imagining what it would be like, psyching myself up. I imagined that I would be calm and relieved. I imagined that I would even smile because I was on my way out and everything horrible was almost done. I live right next to a river in a resort community in the mountains. I decided that I would get lost in the forest and just curl up and die. I walked out of dinner with my family and went into the forest. I wandered around for a few hours, sometimes lost and sometimes not. Eventually I decided that this would not be fast enough, so I went back to the river. I stepped in and began swimming out into the river to drown myself. This didn't work, so I climbed out of the river and walked, soaking wet, to the police station. By this point it was well past dark and I knew that the police would be looking for me. They were and I was taken to the hospital. I convinced the social worker that it was a mistake and I was fine. Somehow, she believed me and I was released. There is something you need to understand. Since this is the mountains, the river is almost pure snowmelt. The water was cold. Really fucking cold. This hit me when I was in up to my chest. Two strokes in, and I could feel the muscles in my arms and legs tightening. Soon my limbs were numb. I was not calm and there was no relief. I was confused and there was only terror. This was not premeditated and carefully planned. I acted on impulse and left myself a way to back out. I took it. Suddenly all of my pain that was internal, emotional, mental had turned physical and very real. I was completely unprepared for this and the most basic of all human instincts took control. I wish I could say that I regret the attempt and I'm glad I survived, but that is not the truth. If I had died that night, I would have avoided so much more suffering. Maybe one day I'll be glad to be alive, but not yet.

it's 1 AM, my depression is killing me. just saw a picture of my ex with two friends watching the new hunger games. we were planning to see that movie, actually. but I'm not part of her life anymore. people tell me that I should erase her from my own life, but I can't do that. she is everything to me. I can't unfollow her on twitter or remove her from my facebook. it discomforts me that I can't see her, be it on the internet or real life. she broke up with me ages ago, may 16th. feels like yesterday. I haven't gone outside more than around 10 times over all these months. she was all I had. I had no friends or anyone close to me other than her. still don't. I dream about her. I think of our good times. I think of the time when we were flirting. I can't see anything bad about her. all the problems in our relationship was caused by me. I am the reason of why this is happening. I can do nothing right. I see no reason to live. I don't want to live. no one wants me to live. whenever I stand in the kitchen, I grab a knife and think "is this the day?". no. not today. maybe tomorrow. keep trying. you'll be there soon. we'll be there soon.

[QUOTE=PredGD;42941265]it's 1 AM, my depression is killing me. just saw a picture of my ex with two friends watching the new hunger games. we were planning to see that movie, actually. but I'm not part of her life anymore. people tell me that I should erase her from my own life, but I can't do that. she is everything to me. I can't unfollow her on twitter or remove her from my facebook. it discomforts me that I can't see her, be it on the internet or real life. she broke up with me ages ago, may 16th. feels like yesterday. I haven't gone outside more than around 10 times over all these months. she was all I had. I had no friends or anyone close to me other than her. still don't. I dream about her. I think of our good times. I think of the time when we were flirting. I can't see anything bad about her. all the problems in our relationship was caused by me. I am the reason of why this is happening. I can do nothing right. I see no reason to live. I don't want to live. no one wants me to live. whenever I stand in the kitchen, I grab a knife and think "is this the day?". no. not today. maybe tomorrow. keep trying. you'll be there soon. we'll be there soon.[/QUOTE] I want you to live. Don't discourage yourself. I understand that it's hard not having her anymore, but maybe it's time to move on. Just go out and do things for yourself. Do things you couldn't do when you two were together. Meet new people. Do new things. I know it's hard, but at least try. Just do not sit home and wallow. It's the worst thing you can do. Take a walk. Breathe in the fresh cold air. You haven't done IT yet, so that means that a part of you wants you to be alive. Keep that part with you always. Never let go of it. It's what's keeping you here.

See, I [I]would[/I] write about all the shit that's fucking pissing me off/rooting my SH, but when I put it down in writing I fucking realize how stupid it sounds and then I just depress myself even more. Ah, the good ol' spiral.

I have no reason to live and im very tired. I fail at everything in life, whats the point?

[QUOTE=PredGD;42941265]it's 1 AM, my depression is killing me. just saw a picture of my ex with two friends watching the new hunger games. we were planning to see that movie, actually. but I'm not part of her life anymore. people tell me that I should erase her from my own life, but I can't do that. she is everything to me. I can't unfollow her on twitter or remove her from my facebook. it discomforts me that I can't see her, be it on the internet or real life. she broke up with me ages ago, may 16th. feels like yesterday. I haven't gone outside more than around 10 times over all these months. she was all I had. I had no friends or anyone close to me other than her. still don't. [B]I dream about her. I think of our good times. I think of the time when we were flirting. I can't see anything bad about her. all the problems in our relationship was caused by me. I am the reason of why this is happening. I can do nothing right.[/B] I see no reason to live. I don't want to live. no one wants me to live. whenever I stand in the kitchen, I grab a knife and think "is this the day?". no. not today. maybe tomorrow. keep trying. you'll be there soon. we'll be there soon.[/QUOTE] Ugh, I know this feeling. I'm kinda going through the same shit so I can't really offer any advice, I just hope everything turns out all right for you