Depression, anxiety, suicidalism and similar disorders, issues and troubles V3 - Discussion, help an - General

I keep thinking about it. It doesn't just stop, it keeps happening over and over again. How the hell am i supposed to sleep?

Don't let a girl who was stupid enough to leave you rob the next girl of having you.

Finally got up the courage to go see a counselor. First session went fairly well. Just talked about stuff. But, it felt good because I usually don't have anyone to talk to. If anyone else has the chance, I'd say go to a counselor. Just try it out once. If you don't like it, you don't have to go again.

Still wondering how I should feel about those anxiety pills I've been prescribed. They did the trick. I wasn't freaking out about waking up late for school that day. Maybe they did the trick a little too well. That morning, my alarm clock failed to go off (still don't know why, it's worked since then), and I was late for calculus, which I'm already failing. Since I could feel the stress building at breakneck speeds, I elected to give the medication a whirl rather than drive all the way out for the last 20 minutes of the lecture, which I would inevitably have gotten nothing out of, thanks to the attack. Within an hour, I was relaxed. And I mean, [i]relaxed.[/i] For the duration of the medication's effect (10 AM to 6 PM), I elected to lie in bed with my laptop, watch game grumps, and whatever else I could do with a laptop. For 8 hours I was in bed, just lying there. I didn't care, I didn't feel lazy. I felt good. I got up for one bathroom break and that was [i]it.[/i] I could actually feel myself grow more tense as the medication wore off too. I begin to feel antsy so I climbed out of bed, and soon enough I was pacing about the house looking for something to do when there was none. I felt like I had to make up for lost time or something. I have reservations about the medication, but I'm not sure if that's me or the anxiety talking- if there's a difference, anyway. I think I'll ask my therapist about it today.

Everything is just getting out of control for me. My OCD is becoming extremely bad and I'm finding that washing my hands is becoming overkill and all of my obsessive thoughts are starting to consume me. My BPD has been playing up as well, and I can't control my emotions, meaning that my mood can change at any second. My brother deleted all of my music and all of the songs I have wrote and I feel like I have nothing left now. Life sucks at the moment.

Honestly every time I think about suicide I think of the point of life. I sometimes think for hours about the meaning of all this, why are we the way we are, and if there is some sort of or supreme being. I wouldn't be that surprised really if the human race is just one giant experiment by some other alien race or divine being. [editline]49[/editline] Yeah I get fucking retarded when I'm emotional

Man I feel like a total piece of shit right now. The girl and I broke up 2 weeks ago, and every day I feel worse. Its because I realize how shitty we've been to each other, and I feel awful about what I've done. I more or less abandoned our relationship 5 months ago, and put 0 effort into the relationship because I just didn't care anymore. We weren't having sex, a 2 1/2 year relationship, no sex. All we did was do what she wanted, listened to her music and watched her shows, so I said fuck it, and just stopped caring. If I wasn't a total fucking pussy I would have talked to her about it, or broken up with her back then. But nope, I just gave 0 fucks instead. Looking back on it, it was like watching a flower wilt. Every week we saw each other it was just more and more pathetic I guess? I didn't care about her all that much, but I saw how much she cared about me. I thought about breaking it off, but when I saw the way she talks about me to her friends I just felt terrible because she really cared and loved me. So I hung on hoping we would do something amazing and fun and we would fall back in love again or something. Then 3 weeks ago, right before the break up we went out, and she wanted to go to the pet store after we ate dinner, but my stomach was acting up and I was tired from work earlier so I insisted we go to her place. She insisted that I use a public restroom, but I despise those so we went back to her place. Normally this wouldn't stand out for me, but when we broke up she just told me that we never do anything or have any fun anymore and that she knew the day after we hung out that we couldn't have a thing anymore, so I'm wondering if that's what set her off and I feel so fucking awful about it. Then this week it hit me how alone I really was. For the last 2 and a half years I had spent every Saturday with this girl, doing something. It wasn't always fun, or interesting but it was something. Now I just sit in my room all day and I'm so anxious and alone I don't get any school work done. My grades have already tanked and I have straight A's, well had straight A's. On top of that I'm a fucking mess when it comes to social situations. I went to a party, lots of cute girls, lots of people I didn't know. I just sat there. I had nothing interesting to say, my attempts on asserting myself into conversations failed miserably. There was another girl who hadn't been there much either, we talked for a few minutes but I didn't get her number, nor did I manage to have a good conversation with her. But in those few minutes I talked to this girl, hannah, I felt alright. Maybe even comfortable, but soon after we talked we both had to leave for work in the morning and the second I got back into my car I felt this overwhelming weight on my chest and just the thought of being alone is just so awful right now I can't stand it. She might be at the same place next week so I'll try again then, but then I come into my next problem, I'm not ready for another relationship. I know I'm not ready for another relationship, I'm a god damn mess but I crave seeing someone so fucking badly right now it hurts. Now I have no idea what else to write, this is already hard to follow, I know. I've been shit faced drunk for the past 3 nights and each night I drink a little more than the last, I just feel like shit. I don't know if anyone will read this, or even give a shit, but I find writing things down seems to help me, at least a little bit.

I began college this August for two reasons. Further my education, and try to find someone while going to school, because what other way of meeting women do I have, I barely go out... So there's this beautiful blonde in my English class, almost intimidating to try and talk to her but it seemed like it would be easy. That weekend I made a pledge to try and do what I could to try and ask her out. Then on Labor day one of my crowns on my teeth fell out. And it didn't just leave the bit of ground down tooth they do to put the crown on, the remnant of my tooth broke along the gum line, so the crown and the bit of tooth fell out, leaving a fucking metal spike where my tooth used to be. FUCK. So I've been depressed as fuck because one of the reasons I went back to school, I feel like was a stupid reason to even try to go. Furthering my education is one thing, but what's education, wealth, etc if you're alone? What's the fucking point then?

[QUOTE=purvisdavid1;42958490]I began college this August for two reasons. Further my education, and try to find someone while going to school, because what other way of meeting women do I have, I barely go out... So there's this beautiful blonde in my English class, almost intimidating to try and talk to her but it seemed like it would be easy. That weekend I made a pledge to try and do what I could to try and ask her out. Then on Labor day one of my crowns on my teeth fell out. And it didn't just leave the bit of ground down tooth they do to put the crown on, the remnant of my tooth broke along the gum line, so the crown and the bit of tooth fell out, leaving a fucking metal spike where my tooth used to be. FUCK. So I've been depressed as fuck because one of the reasons I went back to school, I feel like was a stupid reason to even try to go. Furthering my education is one thing, but what's education, wealth, etc if you're alone? What's the fucking point then?[/QUOTE] I get what you're saying. I went through something similar when I first went away to college. I wasn't stonewalled by a broken tooth but let's say that my desire to make a socialite out of myself might be what sabotaged my efforts to get close to this girl I fancied. It had less to do with us than it did with me, and I think that's what made it fall apart. I don't think I can help you with your loneliness issue, but for the love of God, keep at your classes. Trust me, there is a point. The point is that the alternative is bagging groceries and cleaning bathrooms to pay off student loans that went nowhere. Don't let this get in the way of classes. Speaking of I'm off to bag groceries and clean bathrooms. Good luck to you man.

I hate that I post so much here, but I do feel that talking about it does help me understand what I'm going through better, and that's in addition to when I want to respond to others. If there's one thing this thread taught me, it's that a reply will go a lot farther than you realize. Even something as simple as "I understand what you're going through" does a lot more for me than I would have guessed. So I like to share that with others when I can. So if I post too much, I'm sorry and let me know. Ended up ducking out of work early yesterday. I wasn't 20 minutes into my shift before an anxiety attack set in. Wasn't one of the mild ones either. I'm surprised I was able to compose myself long enough to drive home. Ended up making a fucking spectacle of it too. Everyone was at the dinner table and I had to walk past all of them to get my anxiety pills. They wanted to know what was wrong but there were no words. I crawled in bed and waited for the panic and despair to be silenced. A couple hours in I almost made another incident happened when I was so overwhelmed by lethargy from the depressant effect of the pills that I couldn't do anything about my life-threateningly low blood sugars (Diabeetus woo). Friends ended up pulling me through that. It was my friends that helped me through it in the end. I cannot value them enough, but damn me if I still await the day that I value my own life as much as I value theirs. I'm missing work today again, as I was supposed to go in at 8 but I was up too late dealing with yesterday's debacle. This morning I had the misfortune of speaking to my Dad about it. It ended with me taking another pill not too long ago in order to avoid another attack. I wasn't aware of it until recently, but holy crap are we almost nothing alike except perhaps aesthetically. His attempts at warning me about missing work, perhaps words that would motivate him, just set me into spiraling worry and panic. I wish I could have asked him to stop helping me. Hell, there's a lot of things I'd like to say to him. I can never find words in his presence, however. I don't know if I'm going anywhere with this, but like I said, it helps me to type it out for an audience.

To add complexity to the whole asexual thing I just relisesed I have a crush on one of my male friends....... Idk I'm guess I'm a gay/homoromantic asexual or some thing. Butterflys in my stomach and lack of appetite the whole shebang. I don't know what to do about this except wait it out. At least I caught it early unlike last time... However this crush made me realize some thing. In high school I've constantly been trying to find a friend that I can really connect too. In retrospect I think I was looking for a relationship the entire time..... I never thought I'd be the type of person desperate for a relationship but this shows other wise. And with being asexual I'm going to have an extra hard time finding some one (if ever). We'll I'm going to the doctor tomorrow to get my hormone levels looked at. I really hope there low and that there the reason for lack of sexual attraction. Oh god let it be so.... edit: Well I read some threads on Asexuality.org and some forum called empty closets of people with very similar issues and that helped a little bit.....

My mom wants me to go back on my anti-depressants. I still have a bottle left over from a year ago, but it's 50mg and I'm not sure how effective it will be. Would it still be ok for me to take them?

[QUOTE=Raxas;42966567]I hate that I post so much here, but I do feel that talking about it does help me understand what I'm going through better, and that's in addition to when I want to respond to others. If there's one thing this thread taught me, it's that a reply will go a lot farther than you realize. Even something as simple as "I understand what you're going through" does a lot more for me than I would have guessed. So I like to share that with others when I can. So if I post too much, I'm sorry and let me know. Ended up ducking out of work early yesterday. I wasn't 20 minutes into my shift before an anxiety attack set in. Wasn't one of the mild ones either. I'm surprised I was able to compose myself long enough to drive home. Ended up making a fucking spectacle of it too. Everyone was at the dinner table and I had to walk past all of them to get my anxiety pills. They wanted to know what was wrong but there were no words. I crawled in bed and waited for the panic and despair to be silenced. A couple hours in I almost made another incident happened when I was so overwhelmed by lethargy from the depressant effect of the pills that I couldn't do anything about my life-threateningly low blood sugars (Diabeetus woo). Friends ended up pulling me through that. It was my friends that helped me through it in the end. I cannot value them enough, but damn me if I still await the day that I value my own life as much as I value theirs. I'm missing work today again, as I was supposed to go in at 8 but I was up too late dealing with yesterday's debacle. This morning I had the misfortune of speaking to my Dad about it. It ended with me taking another pill not too long ago in order to avoid another attack. I wasn't aware of it until recently, but holy crap are we almost nothing alike except perhaps aesthetically. His attempts at warning me about missing work, perhaps words that would motivate him, just set me into spiraling worry and panic. I wish I could have asked him to stop helping me. Hell, there's a lot of things I'd like to say to him. I can never find words in his presence, however. I don't know if I'm going anywhere with this, but like I said, it helps me to type it out for an audience.[/QUOTE] no such thing as posting here too much.I'm probably one of the most frequent posters here so I actually don't know :v: but yeah support is probably the best thing for someone to have if they're going through a wall of shit [QUOTE=Mysion;42974770]To add complexity to the whole asexual thing I just relisesed I have a crush on one of my male friends....... Idk I'm guess I'm a gay/homoromantic asexual or some thing. Butterflys in my stomach and lack of appetite the whole shebang. I don't know what to do about this except wait it out. At least I caught it early unlike last time... However this crush made me realize some thing. In high school I've constantly been trying to find a friend that I can really connect too. In retrospect I think I was looking for a relationship the entire time..... I never thought I'd be the type of person desperate for a relationship but this shows other wise. And with being asexual I'm going to have an extra hard time finding some one (if ever). We'll I'm going to the doctor tomorrow to get my hormone levels looked at. I really hope there low and that there the reason for lack of sexual attraction. Oh god let it be so.... edit: Well I read some threads on Asexuality.org and some forum called empty closets of people with very similar issues and that helped a little bit.....[/QUOTE] Yeah sexuality is one of the most difficult things for some people to figure out. I'm still really trying to deal with mine. [QUOTE=slayer20;42976900]My mom wants me to go back on my anti-depressants. I still have a bottle left over from a year ago, but it's 50mg and I'm not sure how effective it will be. Would it still be ok for me to take them?[/QUOTE] That's something I would talk to a doctor about [QUOTE=Blind Lulu;42979822]I don't know if it's gotten worse or if it's just me worrying about it more but this constant static that I always see is starting to make me panic.[/QUOTE] I had this when I was around 5. I was scared shitless and thought I was turning blind. I've gotten used to it about now. It's not life threatening or anything, I'm just near sighted now and I'm not sure if it's from that or something else.

I havent been this depressed in a year. I hate people

man, my anxiety has gone way too far. I've currently gotten back into EVE Online again, and as most people know it's really based around corporations. so after some mission running, I recieved a mail from the CEO of a large corp who asked if I wanted to join and that they were hiring newbies. I decided to apply even though my anxiety screamed not to, and now my application has been accepted and I don't know if I want to join or refuse. how idiotic is that? I'm scared of what random people on the internet may think of me, it's so bad that I can't even join a corp with nearly a 1000 other players. no one will bat an eye at me for sure, but yet I'm so scared of joining. I'm scared that people will communicate with me, which they obviously will.

insomnia getting worse. anxiety getting worse. depression getting worse. I know how to fix and solve all of it, but I'm not doing it. why? because fuck life that's why. I have given up

I had a bad experience on weed a couple of months ago and I think it's triggered depersonalization, derealization and dissociation. It sucks so bad, my vision feels weird and it's video game like, I also feel unreal and it's hard to focus on things. Dreams feel weird and I just don't know how to feel right now. It sucks so bad and I don't want to spend the rest of my life feeling like this. I have bad OCD as well and I don't know if I'm just obsessing, over analyzing and fixating on something because last year I thought there was something stuck in my throat because I felt like every time I swallowed it only went down on the left side of my throat, it turned out I was just obsessing over it. I need help guys I really don't know what to do.

Snip. Sobered up and realized that wasn't the best thing to post

I hate thanksgiving. I don't fit in with most of my family and I can't eat lots of food at once because I don't have a bottomless stomach like everyone else does. And then I'm the first one done and I just sit around and wait.

I feel like shit all the time because I'm alone. I wish I was able to be more social in high school, but I just couldn't be. I grew into a habit of depression and loneliness since my mother died when I was 6. The only thing I could do was play video games. And this hurt me both emotionally and mentally. Is it weird that at my mothers funeral, I didn't cry?

[QUOTE=purvisdavid1;43023754] Is it weird that at my mothers funeral, I didn't cry?[/QUOTE] Not at all. Grieving is different for everybody.

Recently I have had a comeback in my depression and I feel sort of like just going to sleep and not waking up. I just feel worthless to those around me as of recent. I'm not a straight A student, I don't form relations with others as well as I would like. I feel confused, a bit lost and very scared of the present and the future. I'm in therapy but I don't feel its helping my struggle. If anyone else has had sucess with beating back this feeling could you share how?

[QUOTE=ColdWave;43052734]Recently I have had a comeback in my depression and I feel sort of like just going to sleep and not waking up. I just feel worthless to those around me as of recent. I'm not a straight A student, I don't form relations with others as well as I would like. I feel confused, a bit lost and very scared of the present and the future. I'm in therapy but I don't feel its helping my struggle. If anyone else has had sucess with beating back this feeling could you share how?[/QUOTE] I know where you are and I was there and I am getting better. I can't promise that you will get better by doing what I did, or even that you will get better at all. For me it took some really big changes in my life. I had to move back home from university, a few hospitalizations, medication changes and a good number of therapists. Eventually I sort of found a balance in everything. I got to the point where things actually felt stable. I'm not all better. My suicidality and depression are still major obstacles I face every day. If I miss even a few doses of my medicine, my symptoms increase dramatically. Despite all this I truly believe that I am getting better.

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[QUOTE=Lolikitten;43064454]I don't really know what to do anymore..i've been depressed for years now..and it's only getting worse. I have a boyfriend who i love but...he's really far away, i rarely see him and he doesn't really help me out. He's in a bad spot aswell and has no capacity to actively support me with my issues. I'm really lonely..i just want to be social, meet new people and make new friends..but that's not possible for me. Even my irl friends turned away from me because i'm always sad and negative. I wish i wasn't..but i really don't know what to do against that. I used to put up a happy fake personality and that worked quite well..but i just can't do that anymore. I can't even make new friends online, everyone's getting fed up of me within days because i'm dragging everyone around me down. But I guess that won't change until i'm able to not hate myself, which will probably never be. I've had a few suicide attempts behind me..and i feel like i'm close to another one. I'm already at the point where i cut myself up out of pure hatred against myself. I used to be on therapy, but that didn't help. All they did was giving me meds that made me rest in bed for 20 hours / day, so i dropped them together with therapy. There's nothing fun in my life anymore, and i can't even bring up the motivation to do the simplest things like eating. I wonder why i even bother going to work. I need help..but there isn't any. I don't want to live anymore.. Sorry for the rambling / venting...i just felt like writing that down somewhere.[/QUOTE] If you found that therapy didn't help, that doesn't mean it was your fault or that it won't help in the future. Try to find a different therapist if you can. It took me a looong time before I found a therapist that actually helped and building a trusting relationship can also take a long time. I guess what I'm saying is don't give up on treatment. Please.

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[QUOTE=GeneralSpecific;43064482]If you found that therapy didn't help, that doesn't mean it was your fault or that it won't help in the future. Try to find a different therapist if you can. It took me a looong time before I found a therapist that actually helped and building a trusting relationship can also take a long time. I guess what I'm saying is don't give up on treatment. Please.[/QUOTE] I'm really happy you're getting better Like, we may be complete strangers, but you have all of my best wishes

Oh boy, christmas is coming up. And after that new year. Can i just go to sleep and have someone wake me up when spring's arrived?

So I've been thinking about writing out a list of things that make me depressed and then making a video about it and letting all emotions go loose and just see what happens I want to hear what others have to say about me and stuff, but I find it difficult to portray how I feel through text sometimes

Here comes the snow. Think this will finally be the one where I drink myself under or finally lose my shit and go for broke before the snow melts? We can take bets.