Depression, anxiety, suicidalism and similar disorders, issues and troubles V3 - Discussion, help an - General

Haha. I was playing a game earlier today and I was pretty angry because I was overthinking this one situation that was symbolic of a messed up issue I have. I calmed down now, but god damn I was distressed.

Care to go into some more detail? I'm not really sure what we're supposed to take away from that.

[QUOTE=PredGD;43452632]been a little down today. have had a period which has only gone up, but suppose that the farther you go up the farther you're gonna fall once it comes. the girl I'm pretty much relying on when it comes to social stuff is giving away signals which I take negative. she's the only one I currently have any contact with. what brought me down is this yesterday she contacted me, like she usually does a few times everyday. I haven't been that good at taking contact myself so it's mostly her who does it. she knows my background though so she knows that I struggle with taking contact. anyway, she sent me a message in the afternoon yesterday asking how my day had been. I said it's been fine, asked what she was doing, and she mentioned that she was hanging out with a buddy. fair enough. she asked me what I was doing so I told her that I was doing nothing special and was thinking of taking a walk soonish. she replied to that telling me to send her a snap when I take a walk out. she also told me she most likely wouldn't respond immediately since she was hanging around outside. okay, that's fine. sent her the snap I promised, then she didn't answer but had seen it. it's been over a day ago now and she still hasn't answered it, nor has she sent any of the usual messages she does over the course of a day. ughh, this entire situation isn't good. it's nothing to seriously bash myself over yet, but its gotten me down a fair bit. she might send one later, or she'll continue sending messages tomorrow, or I'll grow some balls and start the conversation for once.[/QUOTE] I'd say that if she's asking you how you're day's been, I'd take that as a clear sign that she does care about your well being. And for her not getting back to you; shit happens, people can be busy and they're not always going to be able to get back to you right away. I had to learn this the last few months, and yes it can be hard to deal with sometimes. You just have to try your hardest to let it be. (This actually still gives me anxiety to the point where I question whether someone I know who for a fact is a good friend of mine actually secretly dislikes me) The best advice I can really give on this is try to assume the best, as it's more likely that there's nothing wrong rather than it being her sending you negative signals. Try to look for the positive parts of your situation, and yeah maybe ask her how her day went or something. And this is something that's really helped me through my own depression and it may help you; try to keep an attitude of gratitude. My room was a 2 feet deep in random junk for years and I cleaned it over the summer. Then, whenever I started to feel depressed again I would look at a picture I took before cleaning and then at my now clean and organized room, and it made me feel a lot better. So maybe try thinking about how your life would be without whatever positive influence she's made, and be grateful about how much better it is with it. (Here's a study about this: [url]http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2746912/[/url]) I'm glad to hear that you're doing at least a bit better. And you went for a walk!

haha yeah, I've started taking walks now around 7 PM every day now! begun to lose the interest in doing so now though because it's uhh, pretty boring to go around being so lonely. we did talk yesterday, and we had a pretty good conversation I'd say. so I'm a little up again. just got a message from her again now, which was the usual "how has your day been?" message. I appreciate that I'm always lifted up a little when she contacts me. makes me happy. the conversation was... really short though. was pretty much her starting with what I wrote above, I said I had been a little down and asked how her day had been, she said she felt good but was a little exhausted. figured I'd try to keep the conversation going since it was stalling at that point I felt. decided to ask if she had done anything special today to keep it rolling, which she answered "been at work :)". at this point I felt the anxiety growing in me since I did not feel comfortable at all. the conversation wasn't flowing and it felt generally awkward. decided to keep trying and said "haha must have been fun, when did your vacation end?". was a simple response where she said "last day was thursday :)". sat waiting for a little while, filled with anxiety. 10 minutes later I decided to ask if she had been talking with her mother about meeting up at some point yet, and she replied telling me that they're kinda filled up with work and hospital visits (her father is pretty much at his deathbed right now, which is really sad). I understand but I just can't shake off the thoughts of her maybe avoiding me. maybe she's sending me messages just to make me feel better? maybe she actually doesn't care? maybe she stopped caring a while ago but finds it hard to seperate herself from me since she knows I would most definitely end up in a lot worse condition than I'm already in if she does? I don't want to sound disrespectful or anything, I understand it must be tough for both her and her mother that the man in the house is in hospital and will most likely not return home this time. I'm comparing peoples toughts to mine too often. my priorities are way off. if I want to do something, I'll shove everything out of the way to accomplish that one thing I want to do. I become careless of what others think, I pretty much just go for what I want to do. of course it becomes pretty bad when that's my view on things. I never understand people who are too busy to meet up or anything like that, because if I had been in their situation I'd do everything to meet up if I wanted to. so my thoughts are that people does not want to meet up since they're not prioritizing to meet up. it sounds weird but that's how I work I'd say. I shouldn't expect that behavior from others but it's hard to not get negative thoughts when I don't really understand why not. I just wish I would be able to read people more easily and understand all these social things. is it normal to brush off meeting up with friends if there's something else which occupies you? to me it's not, but that's most likely since it's a lot more important to me to get that social activity since I barely get any. [editline]8th January 2014[/editline] god, I should just stop thinking. I've dug myself way too far down now. I feel hated, ugly, alone, disliked, discarded etc. I'm broken. what do I have that makes me any interesting? why should she be my friend? surely there must be other people out there who has a lot more interesting properties than me, right? I can barely function socially, why should I of all people be a close friend of her? why should she be interested? why would she care? why is she replying so short today? anything up? did I say anything wrong last night? if she disappears, then it's game over. I have no one else to stick onto. without her, I have no social network at all. at that point I might as well die. how am I even gonna get to know her better when she's too anxious to meet up with me without her mother? is she really anxious, or is she avoiding me? when I ask her if she have talked to her mother, is she just making up stuff to get away easily? why not just say to me that you want nothing to do with me if that's the thing? why does she even contact me if that's the case? should I start contacting her more often instead? I know the feeling one can get if you're the only one contacting a person. maybe she's not feeling comfortable with that? but what the hell do I say to her? how do I start a conversation? we have nothing to talk about, I hate talking with people I know in real life over the internet. [editline]8th January 2014[/editline] this doesn't seem worth it. I feel I'll never get to know her any better because of the recent events with her father. why bother trying. I don't know what to do. I don't want to live.

I've definitely hit the rock bottom now I have so many thoughts, so many worries. I have no one to speak to so I end up in a loop of thoughts. our chat went so well yesterday, better than usual. I'm afraid I've said something wrong or scared her off. kinda feel with her since I think I managed to embarrass her yesterday. we were talking about a mutual FB friend who had sexually harassed me before. she told me "thought you guys like it when girls to that" so I replied saying it depends on the girl and how much I like her. she asked me "are there any girls you know of who you'd like to do that with? :p" so I replied with "hhahahhah, what a question!" and my answer. maybe I embarrassed her? maybe she got a whole new view on us? she never answered my snap I sent her either when I went for my daily walk. she hasn't opened it either. decided to check FB to see if she was on, and I saw this [IMG]http://i.cubeupload.com/qozVPu.png[/IMG] she is the one on the top. why doesn't it say when she was last on? is she showing her self as offline to me on the chat or whats up? god I have so many thoughts. most likely nothing is wrong, it's just a big war up in my own head which is tearing me apart with so many different answers to different questions.

[QUOTE=PredGD;43465952]Two Last posts[/QUOTE] Not to be an ass, but you just gotta try to calm down. I'm the same way when someone doesn't answer me I start blaming myself for no reason and so on. She probably is busy and unless she is very unreliable in the mood department like on of my best friends she will turn back to you. Also just to vent out, the crush I feel like I ruined her life asked me if I was still interested in her. Ended up lying to her because I didn't wanna break it to her that I'm having existential crisis because I still in love with her. I also had a huge breakdown in my class and had to get on some medication because I was starting to sweat and shatter my teeth. It's fucking horrible...

[QUOTE=Torjuz;43466798]Not to be an ass, but you just gotta try to calm down. I'm the same way when someone doesn't answer me I start blaming myself for no reason and so on. She probably is busy and unless she is very unreliable in the mood department like on of my best friends she will turn back to you. Also just to vent out, the crush I feel like I ruined her life asked me if I was still interested in her. Ended up lying to her because I didn't wanna break it to her that I'm having existential crisis because I still in love with her. I also had a huge breakdown in my class and had to get on some medication because I was starting to sweat and shatter my teeth. It's fucking horrible...[/QUOTE] yeah I'm most likely just overreacting about the whole situation. like why would she bother messaging me in the first place if she doesn't care? suppose what brings me down is the entire situation with her father and her being too anxious to meet up with me. suppose I should put some more effort into chatting with her to soften her up so she might dare to meet me without her mother

Right so I'm getting kicked out at the end of the month, I have no job, and virtually no chance on finding a job that can give me more than 25 hours a week. I have no experience living alone and I'm not through my last year of high school (Completely bombed this semester, missing 12 credits too!) My mum hates me and daily tells me what a waste of life I am, my sisters think I deserve it and don't give a shit. There is no way i can find a job in time and even have enough to live on, I don't know where to start and I'm so overwhelmed by all the shit going on I can barely think and my mom keeps telling me about how she has less than a month to deal with me and after that her life will be great. So I think at the end of the month I'm just going to kill myself, I don't really want to but my life at this point is pretty much just fucked so I don't really have a choice unless I want to live a bad life. Guess I just needed to tell FP before I go.

[QUOTE=flamehead5;43468219]Right so I'm getting kicked out at the end of the month, I have no job, and virtually no chance on finding a job that can give me more than 25 hours a week. I have no experience living alone and I'm not through my last year of high school (Completely bombed this semester, missing 12 credits too!) My mum hates me and daily tells me what a waste of life I am, my sisters think I deserve it and don't give a shit. There is no way i can find a job in time and even have enough to live on, I don't know where to start and I'm so overwhelmed by all the shit going on I can barely think and my mom keeps telling me about how she has less than a month to deal with me and after that her life will be great. So I think at the end of the month I'm just going to kill myself, I don't really want to but my life at this point is pretty much just fucked so I don't really have a choice unless I want to live a bad life. Guess I just needed to tell FP before I go.[/QUOTE] I'm not going to tell you not to kill yourself. I will tell you not to kill yourself until you've tried everything else. Your family is being shitty to you, but there are people and institutions that can help you. If you have a sympathetic authority figure you know (I'm thinking teacher, counselor, even a friend's parent) please tell them what is happening. Chances are, even if they can't do anything themselves, they know somebody who can. There are people in this world who would rather bend over backwards to help you in your time of need than lose you forever. If your family can't see your value, well that's their fucking loss.

EDIT: OK thank you everyone for reading but now that I am no longer under the influence I am not comfortable with leaving this up.

Aaaannnd my dad's back in the hospital. Three cheers for pretending nothing's wrong when I leave the house!

[QUOTE=flamehead5;43468219]Right so I'm getting kicked out at the end of the month, I have no job, and virtually no chance on finding a job that can give me more than 25 hours a week. I have no experience living alone and I'm not through my last year of high school (Completely bombed this semester, missing 12 credits too!) My mum hates me and daily tells me what a waste of life I am, my sisters think I deserve it and don't give a shit. There is no way i can find a job in time and even have enough to live on, I don't know where to start and I'm so overwhelmed by all the shit going on I can barely think and my mom keeps telling me about how she has less than a month to deal with me and after that her life will be great. So I think at the end of the month I'm just going to kill myself, I don't really want to but my life at this point is pretty much just fucked so I don't really have a choice unless I want to live a bad life. Guess I just needed to tell FP before I go.[/QUOTE] Go and take a good wooden bat, and give a nice swing to your family's face. Maybe then, they'll appreciate you.

I don't know if I have something wrong with me. I keep having crying episodes when I get drunk, and I get depressed for a few days afterwards. But it's not just after I get drunk, if something happens, like I do shit in a test or something, I just get really down. I thought that now I have a girlfriend I'd feel a lot happier, cause my main problem before was I felt really isolated, I didn't feel like I had a person that cared about me more than others. Even now though, I can't help but feel inadequate, I look at her and she is so beautiful and everybody that knows her loves her, she's smart and motivated. I'm the opposite, and since the other night when I got pissed and cried like a prick in front of her, I feel like shit. She never text me asking if I was okay, I don't know if I should expect that for being such a downer, or If she's disappointed in me. I haven't't even been in a relationship with her that long, and I already feel like I'm a terrible boyfriend. I don't know if she's just bored and I'm just something to keep her busy. I love her already, I was so happy when we first got together and before that, and now I'm feeling really distant, and I don't know what I can do to stop it. I don't know if I'm overreacting or what, she could just be more chilled out than I am about the whole thing, plus she has a lot of work to catch up on and stuff. I dunno, if anybody reads this just thanks for that at least. I hate being all "oh look at me I'm a sad person" but I just need another perspective maybe. (And D if you ever see this never show anyone we know and never talk about this to me or anybody else please, I could not stand knowing that people knew this about me.)

Woah man. First, if you're unhappy before being a relationship, getting one isn't going to help anything at all. That's like, the cardinal rule of happiness around here. You can't rely on a person to improve you're outlook, because it's within you. Maybe you should work on yourself a little bit more. Secondly, if you get depressed when you drink, don't drink? I dunno, seems common sense to me. My therapist told me I wasn't the best person to be drinking because my family has a history of depression and alcoholism, so I don't do it very often. If you feel like your girlfriend isn't very supportive of you, regardless of whether you think you're being a "baby' or not, sounds like you need to get out of that relationship. I had times where I felt like I was being a little bitch and my girlfriend would still help me until I felt better, and then talk about why I was getting so upset for not much reason.

I'm not unhappy all the time, I just have these phases of unhappiness, I was happy at first. I don't know if she wants to be supportive but feels awkward about it, I really like her, its only been about a month and a half. Being in this relationship has helped me, I was so happy before. Even if this relationship makes me unhappy at times because of the way I think, I'd rather that than go back to how I felt before, at least now I have some outlet for some of my emotions. I said I thought the relationship would help, nor because i was sad before, though i had had a slump a month or two before. What I meant was that it would make me a happy individual just to be with somebody. I can't leave her already and I dont want to, she is basically the only person that i feel is exclusive to me in a sense. Without that every day would be the same again, I don't have any friends that make me really happy. The one that does I don't see very often. My "best friend" is a wanna be lads lad, him and my other friend just talk shit. Coincidentally the person i thought was my friend the least really helped me the other night, he was reassuring and made me feel a bit better the other night.

It's one thing when a tutor gets frustrated and asks if you should be taking the classes, but it's another when your english teacher approaches you on the second day and asks why you're in the class and asks if I've been diagnosed with anything (now there's a subtle way to say "are you retarded?") Lucky me. BOTH happened.

My OCD reached a point where I couldn't function properly and I'd be doing the same thing for hours on end. Last night was the final straw, after having a go at my friend for interrupting me on Facebook when I was doing my OCD rituals I finally came to realize that I'm not preventing anything bad from happening, instead by doing the OCD stuff I'm making bad things happen. I braved the anxiety and decided not to do any of it anymore, at the moment it's hard trying to not do them but I'm sort of getting somewhere. I hope I can get my life back soon.

It's looking like after a wonderful 14 years, I'm having to say goodbye to my first cat. :c

well fuck today i learned depression is not only characterized by sadness im being SWALLOWED by apathy. i've turned into a lazy shit that only wants to play VGs, eat and sleep. i feel like shit thinking about it. i used to do all this drawing like everyday but it's faded out. my interest for art is completely dead, even after all the achievements i've done in art. i dont get up from this fuckin chair at all once im home from school. i do my hw and then play video games. FUCK FUCK FUCK i feel like my life is being destroyed, i feel so miserable, and i cant do anything now. video games are the only thing that i find enjoyable. if i do anything else i fucking feel uneasy and depressed doing it so i just drop it. i stopped doing anything. my life is at a complete standstill. im wasting it but i dont know how to not waste it.

I don't think I posted this here, but I switched my medication a while back from fluvoxamine to Prozac. This is my second medication switch, I don't want to talk about the effects of the first medication, but fluvox wasn't really working for me. Prozac works fine, and I don't understand why people bitch about the sex drive reducing side effects. Though sometimes I still get times when I feel down, such as tonight. I feel like a small child when I don't want go to school the next day. I'm graduating this year for Christ's sake.

When I was on Prozac for the short time I tolerated it, I got pretty bad mood swings around 6 PM. The sex drive thing was funny for me. I had a slightly diminished sex drive but I lasted quite a bit longer with the girl I was seeing at the time which made it beneficial rather than detrimental. I was not a fan of Prozac at all, though, it made me feel emotionless at times and way too full of emotion at others.

[QUOTE=isoulcalibur;43567253]well fuck today i learned depression is not only characterized by sadness im being SWALLOWED by apathy. i've turned into a lazy shit that only wants to play VGs, eat and sleep. i feel like shit thinking about it. i used to do all this drawing like everyday but it's faded out. my interest for art is completely dead, even after all the achievements i've done in art. i dont get up from this fuckin chair at all once im home from school. i do my hw and then play video games. FUCK FUCK FUCK i feel like my life is being destroyed, i feel so miserable, and i cant do anything now. video games are the only thing that i find enjoyable. if i do anything else i fucking feel uneasy and depressed doing it so i just drop it. i stopped doing anything. my life is at a complete standstill. im wasting it but i dont know how to not waste it.[/QUOTE] I have a similar issue to this, and although I've managed to stop being sad all the time I'm still plagued by apathy. I used to program a lot, now when I get home I just sit. I rarely program, occasionally I'll draw, but most of the time I just sit. I don't even get enjoyment from video games anymore. I've come to accept that until I fix this the only way I can feel happiness is when I'm with friends. A few suggestions that might help are trying out mindfulness meditation, which is more or less sitting and keeping your mind clear by accepting and letting go of any thoughts that come into your head, whether they're good or bad (google it for better info). I've found it can really help when you're frustrated/stressed out. Also apparently exercise can get you feeling more motivated. I should probably do it more myself. I really hope I can find a way to fix my apathy because it's the last major mental issue I have that's unresolved.

For anyone who did not see my last post before I nuked it, I detailed how I was in an incredibly abusive relationship with an insane girl who may or may not have killed herself and how it killed me because I thought she finally went through with killing herself like she'd been threatening to do for ages. Well, today she came back to life, offered up no explanation for what she did, and wanted to know why I was so upset to begin with. All of these emotions came flooding back to me after these weeks of being this mass of apathetic hatred. I wanted to cry. I wanted to hug her. I even wanted to kill her, if I'm being honest, for putting me through that shit. It sounds horrible, I know, but you wouldn't fucking believe that torture of wondering every single day if she was dead until you slowly stop giving a shit about anything and everything as you realize just how abusive the relationship was and how YOU are the one at fault. No one else was to blame but me. I cannot even adequately express to you guys how it felt to see her again. It was like seeing a ghost. That is the best way to put it. It was surreal. I felt like that was the epilogue to everything because not only did I come to terms with the fact that she was dead, but her being dead was the only way I could find it in myself to forgive her for everything she put me through over the past month or so. We had a conversation that didn't say much but at the same time spoke volumes. I told her that it's over. She said "I know. I know I'm awful and I'm sorry." That was that. This is how it ends. God, I'm such a fucking mess of emotions and it probably shows in this post. I at least have this closure, but what now? I've made a good and proper mess of myself. I've never felt so alone. I have no one to really, truly talk to about this. I tried picking up my phone to call someone, even if it was just to talk to another person about the most inane bullshit and remind me that life was still going on, the same as ever, but I had no one to call. I threw my phone away to make a statement to the world at large I guess but I'll need to fish it out of the garbage later. :suicide:

I feel like I'm going insane and its damn silly. I keep repeatedly telling myself that I have no desire to die or end my own life but yet this yearning desire sits at the back of my head and I fear its growing. I want to be free god damn it, no more of this apathetic depressed bullshit. I want to kick its ass so far out of my mind but I have no intention of killing myself as that would satisfy this growing demon.

What's the best way to suicide?

[QUOTE=KandyMan;43586156]What's the best way to suicide?[/QUOTE] I don't think that's the kind of thing we should be discussing in this thread. Edited: My parents need to do something in Vancouver but they are going to take the chance to also go down and visit Seattle. It lines up with a meeting of the Seattle Retrocomputing Society so I could bring a machine with me and talk to someone real. It's been almost a month since I was last able to talk to someone other than my parents or a teacher and of all people it was the guy who both threw me in jail and assisted in the decision to fire me from my job. I don't know how I manage. The biggie is that now that the Living Computer Museum is now open the meeting is now hosted elsewhere and last I checked there was only one person signed up to possibly be there. As much as I want to show off and talk I feel like I'm going to end up being dumped by my parents in the corner of a Redmond industrial park to setup on a table and spend six hours alone in a hackerspace because it now seems incredibly dull and nobody bothered to attend. If I don't go I get to spend a weekend alone in the house again. It may seem like the greatest thing but really there's nothing else you can do but cry because you have no friends.

[QUOTE=KandyMan;43586156]What's the best way to suicide?[/QUOTE] Trick question there is no such thing as a good way to suicide.

I feel like my lack of motivation, sleep, me being more apathetic and just passive is forming stronger grip on me. I really try to try, to get up and do something, anything, but i fail with every try. Every day i lie more, "I'm okay", "I'm doing good", "I ain't going to fail uni". Here i am, stuck in my helplessnes, with social life being null, and my last hope of trying and finally doing something fading away. I can't stand hurting my family by talking to them about it, even about that i have problem learning, for the same reason i can' off myself. I just needed to write it out somewhere.

[QUOTE=ROFLBURGER;43590561]Trick question there is no such thing as a good way to suicide.[/QUOTE] I kinda wanted a serious answer, but okay.

KandyMan, the best way to suicide is to actually suicide. No matter how you do it, a suicide is bad if you don't die, because you'll be jugded. When you are dead, that doesn't matter. But I'm in NO WAY saying that you should do it, life will get better. Trust me, I've been there.