Depression, anxiety, suicidalism and similar disorders, issues and troubles V3 - Discussion, help an - General

I feel absolutely trapped, and time is going incredibly slow, as well as I feel suicidal. I've reached a dead-end in my life and I'm thinking of ending it. What's the point? I've lived on this tiny island my whole life as well as I was born here. There are VERY limited things to do, or nothing to do, and it's driving me insane. But I can't move anywhere or to the mainland, because I don't know about living at all. I don't know shit about bills, rent.... etc. No one wants to move in with me either. I'm on benefits, but I'm sure the government will make more cuts this year, especially with disabled people. I'm 20 years old and everyone is getting along in life and are all happy but me. I've never worked a day in my life, and I have been sending CV after CV after CV... Only to receive not one reply, let alone an interview. Whilst everyone else here my age, a little younger or a little older, gets job after job after job, after interview after interview.... I honestly don't know how they do it. My mum has triggered me today as well by showing me an apprenticeship advert in the paper that takes MY age range, and she has been persuading me to take it up, it's health and social care, as well as a nail technician job advert, but who's to say that I will pass the interview? I've never even received an interview before. So I know I will fail it. I won't know what to say. My CV is too long as well so I won't get an interview anyway. And health and social care I don't know shit about, even though it seems to be my last chance who takes on applicants my age and older. so, who knows. I might as well take it. Even though they are taking interviews tomorrow (Thanks, mother). I don't know what's right for me, as I keep changing my mind without trying anything new. I don't know what I enjoy doing, nor do I do anything. I just go on the computer all day, every day. I complain that I don't do anything, and yet I never have the motivation to do anything at all. I hate myself too. I have depression and learning difficulties. I have self-harmed last night because I was a fucking wreck. Nothing will and can express the hatred I have within myself and for my life too. It's a dead-end street. There is nothing for me here. And yet I can't break out of this dead-end street. Both in my mind and where I live.

What island do you live on? Also, there are plenty of things you can do in your spare time or to pass the time which don't mean travelling to the mainland. Maybe join some sports clubs or similar as well. As for jobs, it's worth going to an interview just in case, if you don't pass then you still tried harder than not trying at all.

[QUOTE=Roll_Program;43850660]What island do you live on? Also, there are plenty of things you can do in your spare time or to pass the time which don't mean travelling to the mainland. Maybe join some sports clubs or similar as well. As for jobs, it's worth going to an interview just in case, if you don't pass then you still tried harder than not trying at all.[/QUOTE] On the Isle of Shite. Sorry, I mean Wight. There is literally nothing to do here and it is VERY limited. In fact, I am up to my limits here. Not to mention that this place is mostly filled with narrow-minded people who feed themselves of lies and bullshit too. I'm talking from experience.

[QUOTE=FreyasFighter;43850688]On the Isle of Shite. Sorry, I mean Wight. There is literally nothing to do here and it is VERY limited. In fact, I am up to my limits here. Not to mention that this place is mostly filled with narrow-minded people who feed themselves of lies and bullshit too. I'm talking from experience.[/QUOTE] You're not exactly cut off. It's not fair and it's not easy but you can get over depression.

-snip momentary suicidal tendencies, carry on-

In hindsight, it was pretty naive of me to think anything would change in college. I'm just as lonely and depressed as I was in high school. I know I need to change something about myself, but I just have no motivation. All these problems I have just stack together and I feel like I can't do anything.

Has anybody else been prescribed Citalopram? Been on it for a while now and it's taken the edge off it quite a bit

[QUOTE=nnoah95;43861453]In hindsight, it was pretty naive of me to think anything would change in college. I'm just as lonely and depressed as I was in high school. I know I need to change something about myself, but I just have no motivation. All these problems I have just stack together and I feel like I can't do anything.[/QUOTE] I'm going through the exact same thing you are. Going into college, I had the resolution to change myself for the better. It's only been going downhill since I started. I've actually started going to the counselor, but I can't see things getting any better. No matter how much I try, it won't go away.

[QUOTE=Emugod;43862572]I'm going through the exact same thing you are. Going into college, I had the resolution to change myself for the better. It's only been going downhill since I started. I've actually started going to the counselor, but I can't see things getting any better. No matter how much I try, it won't go away.[/QUOTE] I feel you. If you ever need to talk to someone you can hit me up anytime, maybe it'd help since we're in the same boat.

Am I a bad person because I'm mad "my friends" that sent me to a therapist? Because I was so close to bashing her head in when she said; " We have gotten over it now." I don't think she realise she ruined my whole life making me both suicidal and bipolar of some sort, and that really grinds me. A part of me want to break, while another one just tells me let it slide and never talk to them again after college... I'm so fucking confused, I don't know what to do anymore.

If you guys ever feel down at college or unmotivated to get out and hang out, try something like jogging (outside or on a treadmill, whatever you prefer), forcing yourself to go out, whatever it takes. Listen to music that pumps you up and not keeps you mellow. I was literally going through the exact same thing last semester until I told myself that I don't want to be alone in my room anymore. I went around with my roommates even when I didn't really feel like it and am very glad I did. From there I just made connections and it became easier to just leave my room with less and less effort.

I'm a sad person. I don't feel that my friends are truly my friends. I come to school, they say hi and we chat a bit. I don't get invited to the round-table D&D sessions, I don't get invited to birthday parties, I don't even get invited to have lunch with everyone else yet they still try to call me their friends. At night, I don't sleep until around midnight. I sit in bed thinking about how awful I am, and when I do sleep it's often only for only a couple hours and even that is broken up by nightmares and me just plain waking up for no plain reason. My days are punctuated by thoughts of suicide and severe anxiety. I get my anxiety from my family, and my 'friends'. My family (especially my mother) dogs me about my future and about things I've forgotten to do around the house. I suffer from anxiety when around my 'friends' because I feel like I don't belong with them, or anywhere for that matter. It sometimes gets to the point where I forget to breath and it's all I can do to suck in sort, gaspy breaths. I'm...not sure what to do. I feel like I'm falling apart, and I'm not okay or good enough for my family. I feel like I'm a disappointment and I'm never going to get anywhere. also pls don't get mad at me im not sure if this is the right place :c also also everything i wrote doesnt explain all that's the matter. just the most pressing stuff.

[QUOTE=FreyasFighter;43848070]I feel absolutely trapped, and time is going incredibly slow, as well as I feel suicidal. I've reached a dead-end in my life and I'm thinking of ending it. What's the point? I've lived on this tiny island my whole life as well as I was born here. There are VERY limited things to do, or nothing to do, and it's driving me insane. But I can't move anywhere or to the mainland, because I don't know about living at all. I don't know shit about bills, rent.... etc. No one wants to move in with me either. I'm on benefits, but I'm sure the government will make more cuts this year, especially with disabled people. I'm 20 years old and everyone is getting along in life and are all happy but me. I've never worked a day in my life, and I have been sending CV after CV after CV... Only to receive not one reply, let alone an interview. Whilst everyone else here my age, a little younger or a little older, gets job after job after job, after interview after interview.... I honestly don't know how they do it. My mum has triggered me today as well by showing me an apprenticeship advert in the paper that takes MY age range, and she has been persuading me to take it up, it's health and social care, as well as a nail technician job advert, but who's to say that I will pass the interview? I've never even received an interview before. So I know I will fail it. I won't know what to say. My CV is too long as well so I won't get an interview anyway. And health and social care I don't know shit about, even though it seems to be my last chance who takes on applicants my age and older. so, who knows. I might as well take it. Even though they are taking interviews tomorrow (Thanks, mother). I don't know what's right for me, as I keep changing my mind without trying anything new. I don't know what I enjoy doing, nor do I do anything. I just go on the computer all day, every day. I complain that I don't do anything, and yet I never have the motivation to do anything at all. I hate myself too. I have depression and learning difficulties. I have self-harmed last night because I was a fucking wreck. Nothing will and can express the hatred I have within myself and for my life too. It's a dead-end street. There is nothing for me here. And yet I can't break out of this dead-end street. Both in my mind and where I live.[/QUOTE] Don't worry about your lack of job, dude. I was 21 when I got my first job and I didn't even have schooling or any other excuses to not have one since I dropped out of Highschool and Marine Corps DEP to become an anti-social hermit. I was just being lazy and getting unlucky with job apps. Finally WalMart gave me a chance as a seasonal cashier and then they hired me on full time after only 3 weeks of working there.

Anyone else here have to deal with a narcissistic sibling? My brother is so full of himself, but now he's 23 and his bubble of a world is falling apart. Of course sadly, me, my mum and my dad are the ones who feel the brunt. He's about two and a half years older than me but he might as well be five with the way he acts, he has temper tantrums when things don't go his way, it's not uncommon to hear him scream from the top of his lungs just because something didn't go his way. I just don't understand how he got like this, everyone else is so calm yet he's so hot tempered it's like trying to defuse a bomb being around him. He keeps making dumb mistakes and blaming everyone else when he doesn't learn from them, his response to everything is anger. He wastes all his money on booze and concert tickets, last count he owed a few thousand to our parents, he'll take years to pay them back because he spends money as soon as he gets it. It doesn't help that I'm getting my driver's licence before my older brother, but I've seen him drive, he doesn't listen, he doesn't care. We have an old shitty manual '89 Lancer out the front thats been rusting away for the last 6 years waiting for him to drive, but he's such as shit person that I doubt he'll ever drive a manual, let alone a car. He's had a driving instructor refuse to take him because he was so much of a danger. He constantly complains that our Mum and Dad don't help him, yet they keep paying for an old shitty rust bucket of a car that a good driver would have trouble driving, just in the off chance he actually passes. I won't be surprised if he gets kicked out this year or next, he's become such a horrible person and I don't know why. It sucks for my social life, or what's left of it, he brought a bunch of his friends on my birthday uninvited a few years back. That was really fucking embarrassing but he seems to think he "saved my party", when by the end of the night all my friends left and it was just him and his friends, I hope he had a happy fucking birthday because I sure didn't. I don't even know how his friends put up with him, he treats his own family like shit so I'll hate to imagine how he treats his friends who he constantly asks to drive him everywhere. I'm writing all this because he was just screaming a few minutes ago at our Dad because won't take him somewhere "right now", he didn't even give him a chance to finish off his drink. This is a 23 year old man screaming because he can't wait two minutes. What a spoilt fucking fuck. apart from all this, I've found my touch for art again, so that gives me something to do apart from riding a bike and playing video games. I hope everyone here finds something to give them hope and joy in their own way. The next step is getting good at art. [QUOTE=huntingrifle;43866344]If you guys ever feel down at college or unmotivated to get out and hang out, try something like jogging (outside or on a treadmill, whatever you prefer), forcing yourself to go out, whatever it takes. Listen to music that pumps you up and not keeps you mellow. I was literally going through the exact same thing last semester until I told myself that I don't want to be alone in my room anymore. I went around with my roommates even when I didn't really feel like it and am very glad I did. From there I just made connections and it became easier to just leave my room with less and less effort.[/QUOTE] I kind of did something similar with bike riding, God knows how fat I would be now if I didn't pick it up, doesn't help my dad cooks ups a storm :v:.

So, 10 months of looking for work in the IT industry. 10 months of sitting in front of my computer all day and in to the late hours of the night. Working maybe 8-12 hours a week at a job that I hated, and with the manager's attitude, it hated me. I started a job yesterday, pays well ($50,000 a year), involves me not having to do much other than browse Facepunch, chat to friends on Facebook/Skype/irc and answer phone calls occasionally to fix problems with computers. Sounds great right? No, It's horrible, I spent 10 months looking for work so I specifically could get out of just bumming around in front of a computer and not doing much, to now sitting in front of a computer and getting paid lots for it. It's made me realize that the IT industry, as good with computers as I am, it is not for me. I need a job where I feel like I am actually doing something and keeping occupied. Even if it paid less. It's brought back my depression again, I had been getting it in waves over the past few months, due to things regarding my sexuality, friendships, relationships etc. Back in December I had come to the conclusion that I am straight, after going out with a few guys and dumping them a day/week later for the same reason. Then at a convention back in October I met another guy, the same day of my Dad's funeral in which he had passed away a few days beforehand. He was pretty similar to my Dad in his mentality and thought train. It was kinda comforting having someone who was similar to him. (whoa this is starting to sound like I am in to incest or something) We go out for a few months, most of the time him having to spend time over east due to his work. Then in December I finally realized, after this guy had paid for tickets to Melbourne as well as a hotel, that I was most certainly straight. I was not attracted to them, girls on the other hand. So I have to end it with him after a week or so of me being absolutely sure. In the start of January I start getting quite bad again, having to abandon family events because I can't handle it, wanting to stay home all the time. Not eating, sleeping heaps, not going in for work and only chatting to two friends of mine, one who lives in Indiana and one that lives in Jersey. The two who still seem closer than any friend here in Western Australia. The one in Indiana I plan on buying a plane ticket to Australia for, so we can hang out, attend a couple of cons and potentially have a relationship. Get home today, after trying to fight off tears the whole day, not being talkative. Step in, last maybe 15 minutes and my Mum notices something is up, when she mentions it I just burst in to tears and can hardly talk. I haven't been able to eat since yesterday, just haven't been hungry. I really don't fancy the idea of going back in to work tomorrow, which I kind of have to do since I only started the job yesterday and it would look extremely bad. I just, don't know what to do. I want to have this friend come and visit before she gets chucked on the streets. I really don't want to go back to this new job of mine as it's the same thing I've been doing for past bloody 10 months. All I want to do is sleep all day and not really talk to anyone but two or three certain people.

[QUOTE=huntingrifle;43866344]If you guys ever feel down at college or unmotivated to get out and hang out, try something like jogging (outside or on a treadmill, whatever you prefer), forcing yourself to go out, whatever it takes. Listen to music that pumps you up and not keeps you mellow. I was literally going through the exact same thing last semester until I told myself that I don't want to be alone in my room anymore. I went around with my roommates even when I didn't really feel like it and am very glad I did. From there I just made connections and it became easier to just leave my room with less and less effort.[/QUOTE] Hanging out with friends isn't the problem. I'm constantly out with my friends. Last week a lot less because of a heavy workload that stressed me out quite a bit. But, even when I do hang out with my friends, I feel like I never really enjoy it. I come back to my dorm and feel like shit, sometimes. I've started and stopped working out several times in the past weeks due to low motivation. I should have worked out yesterday, but was out with my friends. Could have done it today, but I feel like shit. Still going to go hang out with my friends and see if I can cheer up. I've been trying to get out more often and do things outdoors, but its been to cold and I've been too lazy as well as uninterested in anything.

Every time I stop doing OCD rituals they manifest into another ritual and it really fucking sucks.

I was just told by my closest friend that he is worried that one day I won't log on. teared up like a man, I've never heard anyone say anything close to that to me

After about 2.5 months of emotionally dead and being a passive as fuck husk of a human being, I'm slowly beginning to work on overcoming depression. I've found small things that help through trial and error...mostly error. Scraping an X into my chest with my bare hands seems to take away the exhausting feeling depression is notorious for. I don't even care if it's edgy or not. The burning sensation it brings is just...liberating, focusing. It's a point of focus that I can concentrate my mind on so it doesn't wander. Even if it slowly dissipates, it's a temporary breather. Cold showers and cooking help too. I caved in and switched to hot showers in desperation for a snuggly feeling that I could run behind around New Year. Switching back to cold showers reminded me of when I used to go to the gym and the endorphine rushes I'd get. Nostalgic, maybe, but it helped. I like to think I'm a natural talent at cooking, too. I've done it ever since I could reach the stove. I can just imagine the combinations of ingredients in my head pretty effortlessly and I can find good combinations. It takes my mind off of my situation for a while and also gives a reward for focusing! It's probably not the most patient thing I like, but it's productive. Doing productive things are a small grace. I want to find more of these safe havens in my life that take it away, at least so that i can survive long enough to find someone who can help me process it away consciously. I'm currently visiting the school's psychologist so I can get a statement which I can turn in to the school doctor. She has direct access to the country's health care so she can give me an admission note that I can get a time with instantly. Just calling for a time as a citizen would probably make me wait for months. Albeit a bit tedious, the student's approach is dozens of times faster. I have to think a little, even if I'm thinking and acting slower. Every damn productive thing is a battle these days, it's just crazy how simple routine has become a thing that drains all of your effort. I used to have slight depression a couple of years back but...man, nothing like this. I'm slowly running out of time, too. I'm trying not to think about it, lest it gets me down again. Really, things seem to solidify now that I've realized a pretty simple and obvious thing, really... Doesn't matter if I forget to brush my teeth/wash my face/go to shower/eat my breakfast/etc today. I will do it tomorrow, it's no need to get downed by a temporary setback. Every thought, every consideration, every act I put towards doing it, even if I have failures in between is a victory. If I keep thinking "oh i failed yesterday, no point today" I'll never get this fixed. Shit, man. I've only been at this for 2.5 months and I'm just beginning to figure this out. I can't even imagine something this strong going for years. Those with long-term depression, props.

I've made a few more videos today, if any of you are interested; one about how to deal and cope with long-distance relationships if you are in one, and another about how age doesn't matter when it comes to being in a relationship. Remember, I don't know EVERYTHING, no-one does. I only talk from experience.

Birthday is in a month. My parents are spending $4,000 - $6,000 for something that improves the quality of my life, but I feel guilty that they're spending such a huge sum of money on me. My father says he's completely okay with it, but I fear my mother at the last second will tell me it's not going to happen because she's sometimes like that.

I had a mental breakdown today.

[QUOTE=ROFLBURGER;43902808]Birthday is in a month. My parents are spending $4,000 - $6,000 for something that improves the quality of my life, but I feel guilty that they're spending such a huge sum of money on me. My father says he's completely okay with it, but I fear my mother at the last second will tell me it's not going to happen because she's sometimes like that.[/QUOTE] Fuck you, I don't get any celebration on my birthday. Ever. I had cake for my birthday, twice in my life. You better go fucking enjoy whatever the fuck they're buying for you or I'm going to come over there and piss on your bed.

Happy Valentines guys. Remember I love all of you!

[QUOTE=ROFLBURGER;43902808]Birthday is in a month. My parents are spending $4,000 - $6,000 for something that improves the quality of my life, but I feel guilty that they're spending such a huge sum of money on me. My father says he's completely okay with it, but I fear my mother at the last second will tell me it's not going to happen because she's sometimes like that.[/QUOTE] That's going to be a tough decision because there's so many different things that improve the quality of your life, from new clothes to a new car to the freedom to travelling. [editline]14th February 2014[/editline] [QUOTE=CaptainSnake;43903920]Fuck you, I don't get any celebration on my birthday. Ever. I had cake for my birthday, twice in my life. You better go fucking enjoy whatever the fuck they're buying for you or I'm going to come over there and piss on your bed.[/QUOTE] Some people are rich, took me a while to get over the fact the rich can't do anything about it either.

We're not rich. We're lower middle class. That's why it's bothering me [editline]14th February 2014[/editline] And it isn't new clothes or a supercomputer, it's something bigger than that. I'll definitely try to find a way I can pay them back

[QUOTE=ROFLBURGER;43913387]We're not rich. We're lower middle class. That's why it's bothering me [editline]14th February 2014[/editline] And it isn't new clothes or a supercomputer, it's something bigger than that. I'll definitely try to find a way I can pay them back[/QUOTE] Car?

So I need help for an anonymous friend who's having troubles over Steam. [QUOTE]8:01 PM - [B]-redacted-[/B]: also 8:01 PM - [B]-redacted-[/B]: [url]http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Borderline_personality_disorder[/url] 8:01 PM - [B]-redacted-[/B]: I fit this very well 8:01 PM - [B]-redacted-[/B]: scarily well, in fact 10:53 PM - PolarStar: :( 8:03 PM - [B]-redacted-[/B]: nonononono 8:03 PM - [B]-redacted-[/B]: read further 8:03 PM - [B]-redacted-[/B]: down 10:53 PM - PolarStar: o 10:53 PM - PolarStar: where 10:54 PM - PolarStar: specifically 8:04 PM - [B]-redacted-[/B]: interpersonal relationships 8:04 PM - [B]-redacted-[/B]: and sense of self [/QUOTE] [QUOTE]8:08 PM - [B]-redacted-[/B]: where is 8:08 PM - [B]-redacted-[/B]: mister knife 10:59 PM - PolarStar: redacted 10:59 PM - PolarStar: no 11:00 PM - PolarStar: Seriously don't. 8:10 PM - [B]-redacted-[/B]: ah 8:10 PM - [B]-redacted-[/B]: here he is 8:10 PM - [B]-redacted-[/B]: he's sleeping though 11:00 PM - PolarStar: Well don't wake him up 11:00 PM - PolarStar: Ever. 8:12 PM - [B]-redacted-[/B]: uh oh 8:12 PM - [B]-redacted-[/B]: he is awake 8:12 PM - [B]-redacted-[/B]: goddmanit 11:02 PM - PolarStar: redacted seriously don't 8:12 PM - [B]-redacted-[/B]: I won't 8:12 PM - [B]-redacted-[/B]: it's just sitting here 8:12 PM - [B]-redacted-[/B]: open 8:12 PM - [B]-redacted-[/B]: next to me 8:12 PM - [B]-redacted-[/B]: but I'm fighting the urge 11:03 PM - PolarStar: Please fight the urge redacted 11:03 PM - PolarStar: It's uneccesary, you won't gain anything from it. 8:13 PM - [B]-redacted-[/B]: it needs to be sharper[/QUOTE] [QUOTE]8:15 PM - [B]-redacted-[/B]: dude 8:15 PM - [B]-redacted-[/B]: it 8:15 PM - [B]-redacted-[/B]: it's like 8:15 PM - [B]-redacted-[/B]: jolly ranchers 8:15 PM - [B]-redacted-[/B]: in soda form 8:15 PM - [B]-redacted-[/B]: so cool 11:05 PM - PolarStar: that sounds fucking delicious 8:15 PM - [B]-redacted-[/B]: my mom thinks otherwise 8:15 PM - [B]-redacted-[/B]: nah but 8:15 PM - [B]-redacted-[/B]: i'm a failure 8:15 PM - [B]-redacted-[/B]: sitting on my ass 8:15 PM - [B]-redacted-[/B]: all day 8:16 PM - [B]-redacted-[/B]: drinking soda 8:16 PM - [B]-redacted-[/B]: all day 8:16 PM - [B]-redacted-[/B]: i am so worthless [/QUOTE] [QUOTE]8:51 PM - [B]-redacted-[/B]: [url]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C6PNc9KN50M[/url] 8:52 PM - [B]-redacted-[/B]: my favourite song 8:52 PM - [B]-redacted-[/B]: guess goddamn why 8:52 PM - [B]-redacted-[/B]: lole[/QUOTE] [QUOTE]8:35 PM - [B]-redacted-[/B]: but my mom did say 8:35 PM - [B]-redacted-[/B]: "maybe you belong in the loony bin"[/QUOTE] He needs help and I dunno what to do. Advice?

I've been acting ungodly irrational as of late towards everyone. My friends (all of which are on steam) don't even talk to me any more. I've pushed myself away from some of my best friends, and I just sit around in my room doing absolutely nothing all day. I feel like a fucking moron at this point. I was able to survive loneliness and such in high school, but it just seems now that it's getting more and more difficult to the point where I want to kill myself. It's a problem because I have nobody to go to IRL. I'm pretty much just sitting in my room for the entire time just hoping someone comes on so I can talk to them, if only for a little while. It sucks.

Rock fucking bottom. Keep looking for new interests and then getting shot down. The noose is looking comfortable. Gonna go suck down another cigarette. [editline]16th February 2014[/editline] [QUOTE=Rexxasaurus;43919912]I've been acting ungodly irrational as of late towards everyone. My friends (all of which are on steam) don't even talk to me any more. I've pushed myself away from some of my best friends, and I just sit around in my room doing absolutely nothing all day. I feel like a fucking moron at this point. I was able to survive loneliness and such in high school, but it just seems now that it's getting more and more difficult to the point where I want to kill myself. It's a problem because I have nobody to go to IRL. I'm pretty much just sitting in my room for the entire time just hoping someone comes on so I can talk to them, if only for a little while. It sucks.[/QUOTE] Dude are you me? Am I you?