Depression, anxiety, suicidalism and similar disorders, issues and troubles V3 - Discussion, help an - General

It's getting harder and harder to deal with my depression. I think about ending it more often. I have no motivation to do anything. I've been getting professional help, but it's just getting harder. It's honestly becoming an option to me right now. I can't deal with this anymore. I just feel alone all the time now. Even when I'm around friends, I feel alone. It's killing me. I've not had anyone to really come out to. And, every session with my counselor, I'm usually feeling better than normal. Kind of sad that normal to me is being depressed and feeling fine is abnormal. I've had so many conflicting thoughts. And, friends keep giving me different perspectives, and it just makes me feel more shit because I don't know what to do anymore. I just can't deal with this anymore. I don't know what I want anymore. I don't know what makes me happy anymore. I fucking hate this feeling. I just want it to end. I keep seeing this "perfect" life that I want to have. And, it just makes me really fucking depressed that it's never going to happen. I know it's never going to happen. It's delusional and moronic. I don't know what I expect to happen by posting on this thread. I don't know why I even bother with anything anymore.

[QUOTE=Emugod;44021237]It's getting harder and harder to deal with my depression. I think about ending it more often. I have no motivation to do anything. I've been getting professional help, but it's just getting harder. It's honestly becoming an option to me right now. I can't deal with this anymore. I just feel alone all the time now. Even when I'm around friends, I feel alone. It's killing me. I've not had anyone to really come out to. And, every session with my counselor, I'm usually feeling better than normal. Kind of sad that normal to me is being depressed and feeling fine is abnormal. I've had so many conflicting thoughts. And, friends keep giving me different perspectives, and it just makes me feel more shit because I don't know what to do anymore. I just can't deal with this anymore. I don't know what I want anymore. I don't know what makes me happy anymore. I fucking hate this feeling. I just want it to end. I keep seeing this "perfect" life that I want to have. And, it just makes me really fucking depressed that it's never going to happen. I know it's never going to happen. It's delusional and moronic. I don't know what I expect to happen by posting on this thread. I don't know why I even bother with anything anymore.[/QUOTE] This is how I've been :(/. except sans Councillor.

My life isn't going anywhere, at all. I have been living on this tiny island since birth, signed off of work since I have left college a few years ago, living at home, on benefits (the government will make more cuts though, I'm sure of it), hardly doing anything because of my depression and boredom. I send CV after CV after CV, only to never get a single reply. Whilst there are many people I know here who get job after job after job.... Seriously, I don't have a fucking clue how they do it. I mean there are hardly any jobs the whole time I've been looking anyway. I complain that I'm not doing anything, but whenever I want to do something, I never have the drive or motivation to do it anyway. My mum has had a go at me yesterday because I never do any housework, whilst she works five days a week and my brother does college. That set me off big time, considering that I am signed off work for a REASON, not to mention that I don't get any replies whatsoever whenever I apply for a job. I'm just more than sick and tired of it all, and only makes me feel worse. Especially as my other relatives ask "So... WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO GET A JOB, THEN?" as the first thing whenever I walk through the door to visit them. I'm scared shitless of the long distance future and what it may bring, even though I always try to focus on the here and now to calm myself down. I am NEVER sure as to what I want in life, because not only do I keep changing my mind, but I also keep changing my mind before I even try out anything. The ONLY thing I am sure of in life though, is that I want to have a future with my long-distance boyfriend. I guess that's a start.

so had to use my dropbox just now. haven't used it in a goooood while, and there's a good reason why. last time I used it was one year ago because of one folder I don't want to delete. and that folder is called, camera uploads, and as you could have guessed, automatic upload from my phone to that folder whenever I took a pic a year back. the reason I really hate this folder is because, me, that lonely person mostly only took pics with my ex back when we were together. so it's full of good memories from when we were together, and those are good memories I want to forget. feel really hopeless now. I would say I had completely gotten over her, since I don't really have many thoughts about her in that way anymore. I do pay more attention to her tweets and pictures on instagram, but it's nothing which really affects me in any way. but all these pictures I just couldn't refrain from looking at wakes too many memories. these are pics of everything we did together in there, mostly good memories. aand now I'm sitting here, thinking of her again.

Ugh, never thought I would end up in this thread but here goes. Late last night I was just laying down to sleep when I was suddenly hit with the thought of my own mortality. It's never something I think about so it hit me hard when I realized that eventually I would be laying on my deathbed and there's nothing I can do about it. I don't know how and I don't know when but it dawned on me right there that I'm going to die eventually. The thought hit me like a fucking truck and nothing was stopping it. Now, normally I could just shrug these thoughts off and continue with my day (or night in this case) but the thought immediately chilled me to the bone (I seriously got incredibly cold) and the night was completely ruined for me. I started feeling sick to my stomach and I had this feeling in the back of my head and throat, I feel completely vulnerable and I'm woefully aware of my own existence, it's like my body has been taken off autopilot and now every single second is mentally agonizing for me. After some vomiting and audible hallucinations I got to sleep...4 hours later than intended. Today hasn't been much easier on me, I'm going through mood swings, constantly feeling sick and that woefully aware feeling is still at the back of my head. I'm also frequently shivering and my knees feel so damn weak. I can only hope that I'll be able to sleep properly tonight, I have a massive presentation for university tomorrow that is a good chunk of my grade for the module. To top it off it's to a crowd that's bigger than any I've presented to in the past. I could royally fuck this up if my mental state doesn't improve. Tomorrow I'm having a friend take me to a doctor, I'm not sure if this is serious depression or if I've caught some bug that's affecting my mental state as well as my body. I've never had to see a doctor for anything like this before so my friend is going to make sure I don't chicken out before I even get there. Hopefully it's something I can get rid of soon, I hate feeling like this. Typing it out has helped a little bit though, gotta get this shit off my chest, I feel worthless and I hate it. I want to be my old chipper self again...

[QUOTE=Painseeker;44033223]Ugh, never thought I would end up in this thread but here goes. Late last night I was just laying down to sleep when I was suddenly hit with the thought of my own mortality. It's never something I think about so it hit me hard when I realized that eventually I would be laying on my deathbed and there's nothing I can do about it. I don't know how and I don't know when but it dawned on me right there that I'm going to die eventually. The thought hit me like a fucking truck and nothing was stopping it...[/QUOTE] I used to have these feelings as a little child. I nearly went into panic mode with every thought about blackness and "nothing" after dying. Coincidentally, I had mortality thoughts last night myself. And I realized that it's like going to sleep. I never see neither the falling asleep or the sleeping part coming! Believe me, I tried waiting it out. Basically it's not something you could possibly have under your control. The realization made me somewhat relaxed.

I was at the barber's the other day and the guy said that receding from the front does not indicate the beginning of baldness and that it just means that you are maturing.

[QUOTE=Painseeker;44033223]Ugh, never thought I would end up in this thread but here goes. Late last night I was just laying down to sleep when I was suddenly hit with the thought of my own mortality. It's never something I think about so it hit me hard when I realized that eventually I would be laying on my deathbed and there's nothing I can do about it. I don't know how and I don't know when but it dawned on me right there that I'm going to die eventually. The thought hit me like a fucking truck and nothing was stopping it.[/QUOTE] I've accepted the fact that nothing and nobody lives forever, I've accepted that the universe will end eventually and it means that everything humanity does and has done will be for nothing because everything, according to the big collapse theory, collapses and becomes one. I'd say it's good you're thinking about it, but please continue to have a clear conscience about it. Make sure you don't take it all to personally, just continue to live life. If it's your time, it's your time. I think things like religion exist because people have thought about death, and filled in the answer to the question of what happens after death the way they see fit. Buddhism has reïncarnation, Christianity has heaven and God, etcetera. People will choose what they think applies to them most, or what can be seen as the most appealable answer. The value in life is completely subjective. I'd say that there is no crystal clearly objective goal in life. You fill in your life the way you see fit, nobody else can tell you how to life your life, that's all on you. You should live your life the way it makes you happy, and not the way others tell you how to. Make sure you continue to do what makes you happy. Nobody can judge you for that.

repost from stgym of course my mother doesn't actually buy I probably have depression. she's looking for any other cause but that, its like she's in denial and it's pissing me off. that and she thinks im lying about not liking my guidance Councillor and not trusting her because I told no one else how I felt for 3 years. yeah if someone told you "no you don't have depression because you don't mope around 100% of the time" i bet you would be hesitant to tell anyone else too.

I just feel flat as of recent, if that makes any sense. For the first time since I was very little I've wanted to just cry. I have no clue as to why, I just want to cry but I can't. I feel crushed inside, I feel like I don't live up to what others around me expect. I'm sick of myself and my procrastination. I don't want to buck up and study, I don't want to talk to my family. I just want to be with my friends as of recent and sort of "hide" behind them. I almost don't know anymore is what I should be feeling or what I should be doing. I want to pursue college past high school but I have no clue what I want to do in life. I don't even know if I'm smart enough to warrant a college education, but I want one. I want to be something in life, I want to live an okay life. EDIT: [QUOTE=Emugod;44021237]It's getting harder and harder to deal with my depression. I think about ending it more often. I have no motivation to do anything. I've been getting professional help, but it's just getting harder. It's honestly becoming an option to me right now. I can't deal with this anymore. I just feel alone all the time now. Even when I'm around friends, I feel alone. It's killing me. I've not had anyone to really come out to. And, every session with my counselor, I'm usually feeling better than normal. Kind of sad that normal to me is being depressed and feeling fine is abnormal. I've had so many conflicting thoughts. And, friends keep giving me different perspectives, and it just makes me feel more shit because I don't know what to do anymore. I just can't deal with this anymore. I don't know what I want anymore. I don't know what makes me happy anymore. I fucking hate this feeling. I just want it to end. I keep seeing this "perfect" life that I want to have. And, it just makes me really fucking depressed that it's never going to happen. I know it's never going to happen. It's delusional and moronic. I don't know what I expect to happen by posting on this thread. I don't know why I even bother with anything anymore.[/QUOTE] You got my thoughts out in a clear way, I'm jumbled as hell right now, I can't put out a good thought for shit as of recent..

-snip-

[QUOTE=ColdWave;44061501]]I want to pursue college past high school but I have no clue what I want to do in life. I don't even know if I'm smart enough to warrant a college education, but I want one. I want to be something in life, I want to live an okay life.[/QUOTE] Well I don't know how to help you with the rest of the stuff, but as far as this goes, there's some test I just took with my therapist, it's something that was developed based on correlations between one's interests and personality traits and job satisfaction. For the [b]life of me[/b] I [i]cannot[/i] remember what it's called- I keep wanting to say "Career Inventory" or "Interest Inventory", but Google just confirmed for me that those are different things. I don't have my results back yet- but I'm going in tomorrow to review it, and maybe I'll find something on there that legitimately piques my interests. If it works out well for me, I'll figure out what the name is and I'll let you know. Maybe it'll get your ball rolling on something, eh?

[QUOTE=Raxas;44064526]Well I don't know how to help you with the rest of the stuff, but as far as this goes, there's some test I just took with my therapist, it's something that was developed based on correlations between one's interests and personality traits and job satisfaction. For the [b]life of me[/b] I [i]cannot[/i] remember what it's called- I keep wanting to say "Career Inventory" or "Interest Inventory", but Google just confirmed for me that those are different things. I don't have my results back yet- but I'm going in tomorrow to review it, and maybe I'll find something on there that legitimately piques my interests. If it works out well for me, I'll figure out what the name is and I'll let you know. Maybe it'll get your ball rolling on something, eh?[/QUOTE] That sounds like something that could help me out a bit, even with my depression. A part of it is I just don't know what I should be doing with myself.

feel really worthless to be honest. as I've mentioned in my earlier posts recently, I pretty much only got a single friend right now. and I'm afraid of losing the guy, because I feel he's the only reason I'm still here. being 100% lonely would really push me over the edge I feel. I keep asking myself the question, what do I bring to the table? why should he be my friend? whats unique about me to keep him there? me of all people, I bet he's having a better time with others really. wanted to say hi when I logged on, but, I'm too scared. maybe he doesn't even want to talk with me? why would he want to talk with me?

Well, I was officially diagnosed with Anxiety related depression today. going to counseling soon.

My anti-depressants pretty much kills my sexual desire to the point of where I find pornstars depressing. I find it a blessing, though. Who else uses Prozac? [QUOTE=Fort83;44072917]I buzzed my hair during the summer, in Sept when it grew back I realize that it's thinning at the front as well. Shit sucks man. I don't want to be bald I'm 22. :( As soon as it gets to the point of being super noticeable I'm just gonna stay buzzed or as short as possible. Hopefully by then there will be a cure :v:[/QUOTE] I'm pretty sure there are various cures to male baldness.

[QUOTE=ColdWave;44066442]That sounds like something that could help me out a bit, even with my depression. A part of it is I just don't know what I should be doing with myself.[/QUOTE] Well shoot man, I dropped the ball and forgot to ask. Probably because I was disappointed that the results weren't in yet. Turns out it takes more than a week for some folks somewhere to receive a piece of paper in the mail and run it through a scan-tron machine. I mean, I guess I could understand it taking more than a week because of postal services and all, but my therapist also mentioned that it might still not be done when I go back in next week. :v: Whatever though. I'll make a point next time to get it written down so I stop forgetting the name of this stupid test. Whatever my results are on that test, I hope it's not for a career that's heavily reliant on one's memory.

[QUOTE=ROFLBURGER;44075960]My anti-depressants pretty much kills my sexual desire to the point of where I find pornstars depressing. I find it a blessing, though. Who else uses Prozac? [/QUOTE] I used to. I had to stop because eventually they just stopped working on their own, and it was a waste of money to keep taking them. For the time I used them they were pretty amazing. Now I just chug down on bananas when I'm feeling shit. Even after dealing with all the health issues I've had this year I'm in a slightly better frame of mind though. I've been thinking a whole lot about death and the finality of it which sucks, but in a way it's motivating me to do what I want to do in my life, and make as many people happy as I can with what I want to do. I miss not worrying about these kinds of things, but I might as well get my mid-life crisis over while I'm in my twenties rather than my fourties I suppose. :v:

Someone here once told me: "Please don't give up." I want to thank that person, I think about these words every day. You made a difference in this world.

I'm a pretty damn heavy sleeper. So I wake up to be screamed at by my dad at 6:00, and we have a lovely argument. He then fucking audacity to say my priorities aren't straight - funnily enough I haven't actually played a video game since lsst week. Instead of you know, understanding that I have fucking depression which is why i prefer being alone more often than not. (I was officially diagnosed the other day). And my dad pulled the same thing on Sunday, except at 7 in the morning and I was somehow supposed to magically know that we were going out to eat breakfast. Because supposdly they tell me, when I'm fucking asleep and can't hear them. It was the same thing today. And I was supposed to have therapy on my own, but nooooope now it's going to be a ~family~ thing. And per usual, I have no fucking say in anything. This day just keeps getting better, and better, and better. I'd be fucking so much better off living with a friend. I've been planning on going to Avery Point, but if I get accepted to URI or University of Maine I'm there. Not living at home for this bullshit any more.

I had a major breakthrough with my therapist. I finally came to terms with the true source of a problem I'd been having forever, and while it's not solved, I've found the roots of it. Could this be it? Could things be actually getting better for now?

So, yeah. My benefits may be stopped this year, and the only person who works in the household, they may not have a job any more this year as well. And I'm now scared shitless and having images of being homeless and dying in the streets flashing up in my head. I know nothing about independant living and I know for sure the council will not help us if we do end up homeless. It's also impossible to get a job here. Awesome.

the other day i decided to look at my medical history online, and apparently i've been officially diagnosed with depression since at least 2008. i didn't even know it's been that long. i don't even remember what was happening back then any more. that kinda hit me hard. and i thought my animal crossing on 3ds telling be that i hadn't played it in months was sad...

twiddle-dee, twiddle-dumb... back and forth, back and forth with a blued barrel I have pulled a loaded gun under my chin, and gave a thought to killing myself at least nine times in the last three days. I have written four rough drafts for a will, and already have a suicide note done. My situation is so fucking degrading, that I don't even know where to start. I'm a fucking idiot, I can't study properly or over-focus and end up bashing myself thanks to my ADD, so this leaves me without a highschool education. I get so nervous doing tests that I have failed a fucking driving exam for a permit at least 14 times now. I haven't gotten a job yet because no one in North Dakota will take someone who can't drive themselves to work, you know -40c winters and all. Every time I have asked someone for at least a little bit of help, I end up getting mocked or told to politely to fuck off. Even when I am looking for help for my problems, it always falls into, "Oh nothing is wrong with you, you are just overreacting" I just want this bullshit to end. I hate dredging swamps looking for bits of gold, only to have someone critique my failures, and tell me to look for swamp blossoms instead. I just want to be elevated of some of this weight, just for a few moments, just to say to my father and mother that I am something instead of a "consistent fuckup". I just want a few moments of peace is all.

[QUOTE=JoeSkylynx;44096079]twiddle-dee, twiddle-dumb... back and forth, back and forth with a blued barrel I have pulled a loaded gun under my chin, and gave a thought to killing myself at least nine times in the last three days. I have written four rough drafts for a will, and already have a suicide note done. My situation is so fucking degrading, that I don't even know where to start. I'm a fucking idiot, I can't study properly or over-focus and end up bashing myself thanks to my ADD, so this leaves me without a highschool education. I get so nervous doing tests that I have failed a fucking driving exam for a permit at least 14 times now. I haven't gotten a job yet because no one in North Dakota will take someone who can't drive themselves to work, you know -40c winters and all. Every time I have asked someone for at least a little bit of help, I end up getting mocked or told to politely to fuck off. Even when I am looking for help for my problems, it always falls into, "Oh nothing is wrong with you, you are just overreacting" I just want this bullshit to end. I hate dredging swamps looking for bits of gold, only to have someone critique my failures, and tell me to look for swamp blossoms instead. I just want to be elevated of some of this weight, just for a few moments, just to say to my father and mother that I am something instead of a "consistent fuckup". I just want a few moments of peace is all.[/QUOTE] I am very, very worried for you. You're problems are real, and from what you say [B]you are in real danger.[/B] Most importantly I want to tell you about going to the hospital. It isn't easy and it isn't fun and people might not understand and it might not be for you and that is OK. One thing I got from being in the hospital was the relief of [B]not having to chose whether I would live through the day.[/B] Going to the hospital is a huge decision, [B]but if that's what it takes to keep you alive, fucking go.[/B] You can have a friend or family member drive you, but if you don't want that, you can call 911 and somebody (probably police) will take you. I have been taken to the hospital by police before. A lot of people have. One last thing, I don't know if you are under 18 or not, but if you are, I think that police or the hospital are required to notify your parents or guardians. If you are an adult, they cannot release any of that info to anybody without your consent. If going to the hospital is too extreme, [B]there are other options.[/B] 1-800-273-8255 is a line that has counselors that you can talk to 24/7. It is free, and you don't have to disclose any information that you don't want to. There are online resources too, but I haven't used any when I've been in crisis. Please get the help you need.

Here's the thing, I have gotten help, went to a psych, and most of this emotional rush has been bagging from some anti-depressants I was put on. Anti-hestamines and I have a long line of "why the fuck am i still being put on these?" I lost fifty pounds the first time I was put on anti-depressants back in the 4th grade, in the 7th grade I was put onto Wellbutrin and that just made me a violent son of a bitch, and was actually one of the reasons I ended up fighting people so often and ended up getting docked in the regards to most of my education. For almost every instance of being put on any anti-hestamine or just normal anti-depressant, my body reacts so negatively to it that something just snaps.

[QUOTE=JoeSkylynx;44096592]Here's the thing, I have gotten help, went to a psych, and most of this emotional rush has been bagging from some anti-depressants I was put on.[/QUOTE] You can always see a different psychiatrist but putting a gun under your chin is dangerous. Antidepressants have been known to cause increases in suicidal behaviors. My point is that just because you have seen somebody and you are on medicine does not mean you are safe.

[QUOTE=GeneralSpecific;44096611]You can always see a different psychiatrist but putting a gun under your chin is dangerous. Antidepressants have been known to cause increases in suicidal behaviors. My point is that just because you have seen somebody and you are on medicine does not mean you are safe.[/QUOTE]If my problems are coming from just the current situation I am in, I gotta tough it, just gonna give my guns back to my parents. Same situation devolved a few months back after some rough-points in my life(lost of a pet, family members, and ect). This time I am gonna tell them to keep them in their safe till I get my GED and all that.

[QUOTE=JoeSkylynx;44096660]If my problems are coming from just the current situation I am in, I gotta tough it, just gonna give my guns back to my parents. Same situation devolved a few months back after some rough-points in my life(lost of a pet, family members, and ect). This time I am gonna tell them to keep them in their safe till I get my GED and all that.[/QUOTE] Locking your guns away is a good first step. AND it is OK to need help! You do not have to tough it out on your own. Whether or not you ask for help is your decision. I believe that if I had not asked for help, I would be dead.

[QUOTE=GeneralSpecific;44096728]Locking your guns away is a good first step. AND it is OK to need help! You do not have to tough it out on your own. Whether or not you ask for help is your decision. I believe that if I had not asked for help, I would be dead.[/QUOTE] I'll try my best, thank you.