Depression, anxiety, suicidalism and similar disorders, issues and troubles V3 - Discussion, help an - General

I wish I could be neither aloof nor overbearing It's always the extremes with me These excessive worries don't help much

Yeah well my self-hate has been getting worse. Much worse. I have episodes of self-hate pretty commonly and they used to only occasionally involve suicidey thoughts. Now they always do. And they can strike anytime - in class, surrounded by friends, anywhere. If I'm laughing and joking with some friends and it strikes, I just have to leave, sit in a bathroom stall or something, and hope I'm not carrying my pocketknife. I have one friend who knows what is going on with me, and she was kind of my lifeline. I'm increasingly convinced, however, that she's fed up with my whiny shit and doesn't want anything to do with me anymore. So now, if I get dangerously close, I don't have anyone to talk to. I crave physical contact, too. It's been ridiculously long since I've had a hug and I just crave them. I feel physically light and empty, like I'm made of paper. It's getting hard to eat and my sleep has gone through the shitter. I get about 4-6 hours each night, every night. It's killing me. I'm scared. I'm pretty okay with myself at this very moment, and I know that if I committed suicide, there would be a group of people, all of whom I love, crying over my dead body. But these self-hate episodes throw all logic and love out the window. Suddenly, I'm not worth keeping alive and killing myself is a public service. Suddenly, anybody who ever cared about me wouldn't care if I died. Suddenly, I just want to die in the most painful way possible as punishment. I'm scared. I don't want to die, but sometimes I do.

Honestly I didn't like therapy. She was a damn student psychologist who was learning. I pretty much wasted a good amount of time there because she didnt fix the issue I came in for (because she didn't know how to solve it). Switching my medication was more useful than the sessions I had.

Oh yeah, and I also have this friend who is a real downer and shittily influences my mood a lot, but I can't stop being his friend because he's had a shitty past and I can't abandon him.

I'm getting more misanthropic and cynical about all sorts of things and it's making my little political and emotional compass spin around all over the place. I can physically feel it, too. I feel burning hot and right now and my head feels like mush.

start feeling really worthless once you realize you do nothing but sit on your ass all day. kinda down right now, not much going on. there's so much I want to do but it's so hard to get there. right now I just want something to occupy myself. I'd love some suggestions for anything to do just so I got a starting point. I really don't want to fall too deep down

go outside for a walk

[QUOTE=DarkeeScorp;44372160]go outside for a walk[/QUOTE] I'm not sure why anybody would rate this funny. It's really great advice. Going for a walk is a good stress reliever and can really help you get out of your head. Plus, it's easy exercise, which is really essential for your health (mental and physical.)

I went for a walk for six hours the other day. About 18 kilometres/12 miles done, kinda disappointed actually but I guess it was over a single day. There's some kind of videogame QA at-home testing thing going on apparently, I'll sign up for it if someone else does. [editline]28th March 2014[/editline] So I don't have to feel like I should be doing something else while playing videogames.

Man my views have gotten so many people upset over the years. I'm not really afraid to speak my mind, and if I have a problem with something I let people know. I haven't been in any major shit irl but damn people can get really upset online.

[QUOTE=ROFLBURGER;44378535]Man my views have gotten so many people upset over the years. I'm not really afraid to speak my mind, and if I have a problem with something I let people know. I haven't been in any major shit irl but damn people can get really upset online.[/QUOTE] I'm practically the opposite. I'm spineless as hell. I had fuck all friends in school so I'd do anything to keep them around, which meant agreeing with them a whole lot and doing stupid shit I didn't want to. And also talking behind peoples back. That's the thing I hated doing the most. It happened a lot though, even nowadays at my job thanks to it mostly being full of girls and teenagers, and my tendancy to agree with people even when they're wrong as hell. Only thing I stand my ground on are my hobbies. Then I become rabid and go on tangents about how wrong they are and then infodumping shit no sane person would care about. I like to think it balances out (not really).

Oh man, I told the story of the last year of my life to a friend and it made me realize how fucked up I've been. I'd love for someone to talk to, either on here or on Steam, to figure my shit out.

I actually wrote my suicide letter today. I know I'm too much of a fucking coward to actually do it, but it felt nice to think about.

really don't know where to start right now. I feel like ranting out and writing how miserable I feel, but that won't get me anywhere bet my depression is starting to strike back now that I've been without prozac for a while. the positive side is that I'm better in regards with anxiety, which is a good thing! the depression though, really underestimated that when I decided to quit prozac. I've come in a never ending cycle of boredom. so much I want to do, but so limited because of my anxiety and how I feel about myself. I'm usually more down during the summer, but in another way than the winter. in the winter I'm a lot more comfortable with myself. big, bulky jackets and sweaters. hides the body I've always been ashamed of, which I miss now. now it'll look weird to walk around with winter clothing, I feel like I have to expose myself. luckily I don't leave the house that much, or at all really. makes me sad knowing that most people out there are happy now, summertime happiness. not that I wish pain on them, it just saddens me that I'm unable to join them (well, need to find friends first) because of the state I'm in. all I do during summer is sweat my ass off and be bored. it've come to the point where I've begun questioning myself, "am I able to take another day of this never ending cycle?". I really don't know. in the short term, I don't want to continue doing this because I see no end. long term? I'm still hanging onto a tiny hope that things may get better. that little rope of hope consists of two things, my only friend who I haven't seen since last year during September, and a friend of mine on the internet. I don't want to sound super dramatic or anything, but I'm sure that thread of hope won't take the stress if I lose either of them. that's where I say to myself, I need to do something about my condition ASAP before the inevitable blow. two people are way too little to rely yourself on, especially when they aren't very close to begin with. I've been visualizing a roadmap to recovery in my head recently. even made a quick drawing, mostly to occupy myself. lots of blankspots of course, not been able to think much further than my current goals. [IMG]http://i.cubeupload.com/MChPmQ.png[/IMG] to me, if any of these two fail I'm out for good. getting to know my "friend" better is overall what I want the most right now, just to get more social. not certain that it'll work out however, so my top priority is my upcoming "possible" employment at the police. lots of mini goals I have to succeed in before making the step there, and employment time is already next month (may, not april). if that fails though, and as I said, I don't know what to do anymore. gonna hope for the best and not think about that just yet. it's still an entire month and a half possibly before employment time happens, and I'm already at my cooking point when it comes to both boredom and depression. my friend still needs to sort her stuff out with her father who recently died too, so I'm not really sure when I'll be able to meet her again. in the end, most of my goals are currently unreachable for now due to a lot of waiting. most I can do right now is to prepare myself and work on my anxiety for upcoming job. need some new clothes and visit a saloon to get my hair sorted. both these are very difficult though due to my social anxiety, so that's baad. so I'm really at loss on what I can do while I wait for my goals to come closer. I know for sure I won't be able to take an entire month, maybe even more, of doing nothing. I've already been sitting here for soon a year doing nothing but sitting on my ass. but... what is there to do? would really love some advice on anything to do to strengthen myself and manage to get out of the door. taking walks is really difficult for me. it's very tough to leave the door for me, nearly at the point where my body enters complete denial. really helps to just pour my thoughts into the thread. relieves some stress for a short time, but I'm sure I'll go back to feeling alone and sad in just a few moments.

I've written like 3 paragraphs so far but threw it out basically because I don't know what to expect. Pretty much everyone in the gay chat thread hates my guys for the stupidest fucking reasons to the point of where being called "an autistic shitlord" by multiple people is justified. Since I'm a human being I get upset, and they act suprised if I'm upset and I'm always hostile. I just want this whole fucking situation to end but I don't know where to fucking start.

[QUOTE=ROFLBURGER;44398427]I've written like 3 paragraphs so far but threw it out basically because I don't know what to expect. Pretty much everyone in the gay chat thread hates my guys for the stupidest fucking reasons to the point of where being called "an autistic shitlord" by multiple people is justified. Since I'm a human being I get upset, and they act suprised if I'm upset and I'm always hostile. I just want this whole fucking situation to end but I don't know where to fucking start.[/QUOTE] I don't hate you :o

scheduled to meet my friend on tuesday! feeling a little bit anxious since I haven't seen her since September last year, and our only form of contact has been the occasional facebook message. doesn't feel "right" to me either, in a way. the funeral for her dead father is on wedensday, and his death is still very recent so I'm not sure what to expect. hopefully not too much sadness happens, but I'm a little worried that it might happen time will tell though!

[QUOTE=Catscratch;44400345]I don't hate you :o[/QUOTE] Probably because you joined recently. I've had a lot of complaints about the thread which seriously pissed some people off, causing me to be labeled as untrue things.

Guys, I want to say something to people feeling like they are too much of a coward to commit suicide. To start off, I want to be absolutely clear that I'm not trying to say suicide is easy. It is never easy and it is never painless. That said, the fact that you haven't killed yourself [B]does not make you a coward.[/B] I believe the opposite. Every fucking day you wake up, even though it hurts. You think about killing yourself, and you haven't. Life fucking sucks for you right now and you would rather not have to deal with it, and [B]you fucking deal with it anyway.[/B] You are alive, even though it's the hardest thing in the world for you to do. Every day when you go to bed, you can say "I fucking made it." Being alive makes you brave and strong. You are not a coward. Maybe some day you can believe this. Maybe some day I can believe this.

[QUOTE=ROFLBURGER;44398427]I've written like 3 paragraphs so far but threw it out basically because I don't know what to expect. Pretty much everyone in the gay chat thread hates my guys for the stupidest fucking reasons to the point of where being called "an autistic shitlord" by multiple people is justified. Since I'm a human being I get upset, and they act suprised if I'm upset and I'm always hostile. I just want this whole fucking situation to end but I don't know where to fucking start.[/QUOTE] If it's any consolation, I've never really understood all the hate towards you

I've never really understood the hate towards Roflburger either, it all seems one sided and unfair

-snip-

I've made a decision that because I haven't worked a day in my life yet STILL, and I'm 20 and it feels as if Im wasting my life away, I thought to myself "Fuck it, I'll give MYSELF a job!" I've decided to make jewellery and sell it to friends and/or family. Took me quite a bit of time to buy everything to make one piece, and they may be a bit expensive and such, but I've added up everything I've spent on to make one piece, and added a little bit extra to it, in order to make a profit. Let's hope it goes well... I really enjoy doing this as well :smile:

[QUOTE=Zar;44313155]I usually try and "use the right emoticons" to not come off as sarcastic, angry, annoyed, or anything else. Some people just automatically read things in a very serious tone.[/QUOTE] I rarely even use emoticons anymore. Only time I'm using them is when talking to a friend, to hide how utterly depressed I am. When I talk in game chats or lobbies, I never use any emoticons. Could that be one of the main reasons why people are absolutely disgusted from talking to me? Maybe it's my amateur English skills?

[QUOTE=Fhenexx;44408418]If it's any consolation, I've never really understood all the hate towards you[/QUOTE] I probably know why. I could be completely wrong. Gay chat thread's majority (or vocal majority) is furry. People usually showcase and talk about furry stuff that a non-furry would be weirded out by ie animal sex toys and furry porn. When I complain about it, people scream fursecution and label me as antifurry and other things. I usually don't take this seriously because it's like calling someone homophobic if you don't want to look at gay porn. [editline]31st March 2014[/editline] Also as I mentioned I like to voice my opinion. For example I was flamed when I said I thought CSGO "sucks"

I can't get in on the usual car discussion, coffee discussion or alcohol discussion, so I just stay out of the thread when that happens. Sure, it's annoying cause I can't relate to it at all, but I can't control what people talk about on a public forum. It's kinda shitty that you've been treated like that, but by voicing an opinion that goes against the masses' interest, you can't expect to go away unharmed. That's just how the internet works. :c

-snip-

Idk I really want to tell the gay chat thread how I feel but I can't really put it into words. A lot of other people in that thread get flamed too idk why. I'm also reluctant to bring it up because it will definitely cause drama.

I'm all alone in a scary world.

[QUOTE=ROFLBURGER;44410198]I probably know why. I could be completely wrong. Gay chat thread's majority (or vocal majority) is furry. People usually showcase and talk about furry stuff that a non-furry would be weirded out by ie animal sex toys and furry porn. When I complain about it, people scream fursecution and label me as antifurry and other things. I usually don't take this seriously because it's like calling someone homophobic if you don't want to look at gay porn. [editline]31st March 2014[/editline] Also as I mentioned I like to voice my opinion. For example I was flamed when I said I thought CSGO "sucks"[/QUOTE] I think you're taking the internet way too seriously