Depression, anxiety, suicidalism and similar disorders, issues and troubles V3 - Discussion, help an - General

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When I left Arizona back in 2012, I discovered that I had lost one of my favorite childhood toys, a teddy bear that my father had won for me from a claw-machine when I was two. I am not sure if anyone else has ever been in this type of situation, but I literally spent a few hours crying, and still to this day I am still a little uneasy about losing it.

Yo i don't really deal with anxiety anymore and this thread had a lot to do with it [url]http://www.uncommonforum.com/viewtopic.php?t=72593[/url] Particularly this post [quote]Hey Alex, I know the situation you are in can seem never ending, but by reading your posts i can see that your approach is simply not good enough. Please don't take that as an attack against you, it's not. For starters, your username is absolutely awful and needs to be changed. you may not see it as a big deal, but i know from 25 years of experience that it most certainly is. Stop blaming everything that you feel on external things and begin to take full responsibility for your actions and reactions. Example: "my girlfriend caused this" "I screwed myself up" My nervous system is **** up" Stop this limiting self talk immediately!! If you don't, then there's no hope for you my friend. The number one destroyer of self belief, esteem and confidence is our negative self talk and you seem to like putting yourself down. Get the hell away from playing computer games every day as this is keeping you stuck within your comfort zone, which is exactly what you've trained your mind to want you to do. Your mind is the great trickster and it wants to keep you safe, so, what does your mind tell you to do? It tells you to not go out, it tells you to sit in and play computer games and it tells you that it's hopeless to try change it. You see, that's how the mind works, it knows your greatest fears and it plays tricks to keep you from stepping out into the unknown. It gives you doubts, it tells lies and it ruins lives on an unconscious level if you let it think for itself with no discipline from YOU. Get up each morning before everybody else, go for a 10 - 20 minute walk and breathe deeply the cold morning air. Within that time, notice what thoughts are coming into your mind. If they are negative, which I'll assume they will be, then instantly discard those thoughts and replace them with the opposite ones...even if you don't feel like it...do it. After your stroll, your head should be a little clearer, now, practice meditation for 20 - 30 minutes. (of course if you have never meditated before you're going to have to read up on it and begin practicing each morning). Take a notepad with you during the day and write down what thoughts come into your head that are limiting you. This will begin to alert you to monitoring your self defeating behavior. Doing this every day will make you more aware of what thoughts are really limiting you. Remember, as soon as you notice the thoughts, write them down and then let them go. Do NOT dwell on negative self talk. The cure for fear is to experience the thoughts and physical sensations in that moment. This requires awareness and it is the foundation of all that is true. Resisting fear gives it more power, accept that it is nothing more than a thought and your thoughts only have as much power as you allow them to have. Find an affirmation that encompasses everything you want to be, feel and so on. I like to use the following affirmation... "I have unlimited power at my disposal as i am one with everything that exists. Nobody's opinion of me is of greater importance than the opinion i hold true about myself" Repeat your affirmation with intensity and purpose. You will feel that you are a "fake" at times when you tell yourself this, but remember, that is just your doubtful mind. You are NOT your mind, you are the CONTROLLER of your mind. Flood your mind with positive material, stop looking at news channels and stop reading newspapers. Make a conscious decision to help yourself. Stop repeating the same patterns each day and start to take responsibility for your actions. Everything in life comes down to choices. YOU choose to dwell on negative self talk, you choose to play computer games all day, even in "inaction" there is a choice being made. Stop letting your thoughts run your mind, that's YOUR job. Make a conscious effort to weed out the negative self talk and stop indulging in self pity by telling yourself that you can't change how you feel. How you feel each day is down to the thoughts in your head, and you are the only one who can change them. I can understand when people get lost and feel they have lost their identity, but this can be changed just by being AWARE it is happening "not from outside events" but by "internal events" Go pick up two books and read them over and over and over again until you get below the surface level of awareness. The following two books can change a persons life if they are willing to absorb the insights and get beneath the surface into the deeper meaning of how the mind really works. "Awareness" by Anthony De Mello & "Mind Powers" by John Keyhoe. I know there are breathing techniques and other ways to help cope with anxiety and panic attacks, but from what i have read so far, i think your thoughts are running riot and you are letting them do what they please. This, my friend is a recipe for disaster.[/quote] Read those books he talks about they're dank

[QUOTE=shadowsX;44749137]I got quite a serious problem - started when i had 2 joints then progressed into some serious anxiety and panic attacks currently i feel detached from reality and tend to have hallucinations such as being stabbed in the back someone drilling a hole in my head and having a point of a knife scratching the bottom of my foot and the visual effects i see is 2D images coming to life and my view going up as i feel i am going lower it has made me pretty aggressive too feel like having adrenaline rushes and i don't feel pain could this be a sign of psychosis ?[/QUOTE] Could be early signs, take a break from smoking for a while if it persists for more than 2 weeks get medical help ASAP. Also, hi haven't been here in a while. Im back to extend my offer to anyone that needs to talk. Things have calmed down a bit so if anyone needs someone to talk to ill just leave this right here: Skype: Reese or sfmg42 I mostly just want to listen to your story, but if you want we can try to work through whats causing all of this pain. I know it isn't easy and its very real to you, but if yall are willing to talk im always willing to listen.

I just want to die, I'm so exhausted with being alive... It seems like around every corner I just get drug further down... I literally can't make friends with anyone who actually can be called a friend, I can't keep my girlfriend happy. I just don't know what to do anymore, I want all of it to end.

[QUOTE=JoeSkylynx;44752204]When I left Arizona back in 2012, I discovered that I had lost one of my favorite childhood toys, a teddy bear that my father had won for me from a claw-machine when I was two. I am not sure if anyone else has ever been in this type of situation, but I literally spent a few hours crying, and still to this day I am still a little uneasy about losing it.[/QUOTE] I have! I used to keep a lot of stuff tucked away in my uncle's room at my grandmother's house since he no longer lived there. I love that house so much, and since I visited annually, I felt it safe to keep there. Come one year, and the stuff is gone - after he moved back in. It was the only stuff I kept around for keepsakes. Cards, books, games, VHS tapes, music, and other trinkets... somewhere yet to be found. Still angers me to this day, since no one has a clue where the stuff went, because it sure as fuck wasn't me who moved it. Been about... 7 years since then, and I've ransacked that house a few times since.

haven't posted here in a while, figured I'd finally do so. been kind of getting to know myself (as weird as it sounds) with my shrink. I've learned that I enjoy reflecting and thinking about stuff, which kind of sucks but it's what I enjoy and find myself doing a lot. really wish I had a good, close friend I could talk to and reflect with. it's not really a hobby or anything, more of a trait so I obviously have some more work to do when it comes to myself. it's a small step though, getting to know myself properly! I've always lived on the idea of being like everyone else, always wished I was someone else. I've never really done what I truly enjoy so to say, so I never got to know myself as cheesy as it sounds.

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I am not sure if it would be clinical depression if there are 'good days' that come into play. Chemical imbalance is what makes the lengthy depression happen, and is what dominates any other emotion you try to feel despite any positive stimulation. If you're overcoming a state of depression every now and then, the feelgood chems are successfully being produced/communicated, therefore it's more likely a bipolar disorder. Then again I am no doctor

my shrink and my mother has been trying to encourage me to be hospitalized because of my condition, and I've never really thought it was bad enough to do that. I want to fix stuff my way, not through hospitalization. decided to read some up on depression since I've actually never bothered to read that much up on it, and I really find myself in what I read. I really struggle with taking basic care of myself. I keep trying, yet I keep failing. hygiene, food, activity, it's so hard to do. I feel like I've been ignorant and probably a little too optimistic regarding my condition. I've always thought that I can solve this 100% by myself, and that I don't need any medication or outside help. I don't understand why I keep believing it considering I've been as I am for so long and every attempt I've tried to solve stuff has failed. now, what can I do? honestly, I want to keep going like I've always been going. work on the small things and work my way up. problem is that it's kind of proven that it's not working. I'll force myself through several weeks, and bam, I'll fall all the way down again with no improvement at all. feel like I should start up with medication again, but then comes the extreme lack of will to take care of myself. I just can't take medication for whatever reason. it's like there's no motive, will power or motivation to do it. I really don't want to be hospitalized, and luckily I can't be forced since I show no harm to myself or others as far as I know. at the same time, I don't see many other alternatives. I woke up 3 hours ago and I haven't had anything to do, much like every other day. I just want the day to be over with so I can sleep and disconnect myself from reality. so maybe hospitalization is a good idea? think I'll try to find some other solutions before I end up doing that, but that leaves me worried it'll become an excuse not to go. [editline]10th May 2014[/editline] that aside, I'm having guests today! it's the regular people I generally visit on and off, so hopefully I'll have a better time today than regular. gonna drink today too which leaves me a little anxious as I haven't touched alcohol in nearly 4-5 years now, but probably nothing to get too worried about.

hospitalization shouldn't be considered as "being put into a mental asylum". they're there for rehabilitation and for giving you a "break" from the stress of life. you can do whatever you want in the hospital, no stress from work, friends or anything. aside from that. You'll also see people who are in a (fairly) similar situation just like you. the sleeping and disconnection from reality is something that is all to familiar with me. for me personally, photography is something that makes me come out at night/day. people are very interested, for example, what a photographer is doing at 2 am on the empty streets, and even just socializing with people that way keeps you not only sane, but even cheerful. im inclined to treat my depression with optimism and humor. nearly everything humors be, and i see the funny side of a lot of things. this makes it much easier coping, when you don't take things very seriously. regarding what to do, it's good that you're at least actively trying to fix your current situation, kudos to that; i know how difficult it can be to claw yourself out of a seemingly abyssal pit. I personally made a checklist of things that cause my depression, and i try to actively "solve" them. this is a very straight-forward way and it doesn't work like that of course, but it gives some sense of "progress", which is very helpful when the depression seems endless. [editline]10th May 2014[/editline] [QUOTE=Roll_Program;44769916]What's the difference between clinical depression with random good days and bipolar disorder?[/QUOTE] clinical depression is characterized by a consistent/persistent negative mood over a longer period of time, usually accompanied with the lack of finding joy in things you found joyful, and just feeling like shit in general. random good days is when you're either in mania (regarding bipolar disorder; also known as a "euphoric state") or when you're just feeling cheerful for that moment. it doesn't mean that your depression is "over", its simply having a "hiatus" of sorts. you can't get over a depression the following day. i mean, everyone has its ups and downs, even with depression. only those ups seem less "happy" than they used to be, and the downs feel especially bad. bipolar disorder is a disorder characterized by the mood shifts and having two types of moods: depressive and mania. depressive is feeling depressed, mania is feeling overly happy ("unnaturally happy"). they tend to change over the course of months, weeks, days, and even hours (having multiple "mood swings" a day isn't uncommon). this happens without warning (or via triggers). while mania is considered to be the "better" of the two, i consider it equally bad. mania enables you to be overly joyful, but also enables arrogance, impulsive behavior and unpredictable opinions/behavior. im bored so i type stuff

[QUOTE=G-foxisus;44772160]hospitalization shouldn't be considered as "being put into a mental asylum". they're there for rehabilitation and for giving you a "break" from the stress of life. you can do whatever you want in the hospital, no stress from work, friends or anything. aside from that. You'll also see people who are in a (fairly) similar situation just like you. the sleeping and disconnection from reality is something that is all to familiar with me. for me personally, photography is something that makes me come out at night/day. people are very interested, for example, what a photographer is doing at 2 am on the empty streets, and even just socializing with people that way keeps you not only sane, but even cheerful. im inclined to treat my depression with optimism and humor. nearly everything humors be, and i see the funny side of a lot of things. this makes it much easier coping, when you don't take things very seriously. regarding what to do, it's good that you're at least actively trying to fix your current situation, kudos to that; i know how difficult it can be to claw yourself out of a seemingly abyssal pit. I personally made a checklist of things that cause my depression, and i try to actively "solve" them. this is a very straight-forward way and it doesn't work like that of course, but it gives some sense of "progress", which is very helpful when the depression seems endless. [/QUOTE] I've gone down a similar path like you when it comes to treating my depression. not really been using humor all that much, but been trying to keep optimistic regarding it! it feels like a double edged blade though, as it leaves me kind of in the dark on what I can manage on my own and what I can't. been visualizing a checklist in my head, and the big offender is how lonely I am. then if I want to go out, my self esteem is in the way. how do I fix my self esteem? I need to go down in weight and get some new clothes. it's a long process, but I'll eventually finish those things so I can move on to friends! I'll definitely mention my thoughts to my shrink so I can hear her input on things

fixing your self esteem requires you to be in social situations. as unfair as it may sound, its literally the only way to become not only more secure, but also more social. i am also fairly lonely, though i know that "going out" isn't on my list of things i like doing. you shouldn't act out of character and do things you really don't like doing. its better to have a tightly knit group of but a few friends, than a ton of distant friends. regarding treatment to depression, i would only advise medication when all else fails. it doesnt solve your depression it helps you cope with it it might even make it worse, which is why your shrink has to change up the dosages, put you on a different medication etc. this takes time and it also takes quite a toll on your well-being: [B]+[/B] you need to be put on a drug, which has "start-up" side-effects. depending on the drug these can be: triggering mania/depression, excessive energy, insomnia, drowsiness, lack of energy, suicidal behavior etc. this takes about 1-2 weeks depending on you and the medication [B]+[/B] after the "start-up period", the effects wind down a bit. other effects may develop though, such as insomnia and tinnitus. [B]+[/B] if you cannot "stand" the side-effects of the drug, or it just doesn't help you cope or doesn't fulfill its function (anxiety, ocd, add etc.), you'll be advised to change to dosages to (literally) "see what happens then". Again, some side-effects may subside but other side-effects may develop. take note that in the case of say, sertraline, you might start at 25 or 50, and you'll go up in increments of 25 (to ease you into it) all the way up to 150 mg. building down from this is MASSIVE. [B]+[/B] if all else fails, you might be advised to take a whole different medication, or worse, take additional medication to "try and see" if the effects grow less. note that lowering your medication or ceasing a medication will have "withdrawal" side-effects which can take 1-2 weeks, in some cases even months or years. In very rare cases, it's been documented that some effects /stay/ for longer than a year, like tinnitus and insomnia. examples of improving your self-esteem might include: getting a job that has you interact with customers (either via telephone or physically), going to hobby clubs or meet-ups (tabletop warhammer, dnd or RP, if you're into that) or anything else that "forces" you to have social contact with strangers. looking presentable is helpful, but its better to focus on being approachable and friendly. [editline]1[/editline] another thing that helps you kickstart your "self-esteem" is by consuming "narcotics" which improve your social skills, such as amphetamines and, yes, alcohol (drink responsibly etc etc). certain medication can definitely help with this though. most anti-depressants have a lot of functions, but also a LOT of side-effects. once you've "kickstarted" your self-esteem, you'll find it to be easier to approach people because you already know how to do it.

sounds like a good plan to just force myself to interact with people. getting a job where talking with strangers is kind of out of reach considering I already have set up some plans where I'll hopefully be employed as some technical dude in the police. it'll force me to interact with some people, so that'll most likely help! I've been on prozac before which I didn't feel, but felt it pretty good when I stopped so it obviously had an effect as I've gone down the worse now. plans for now would be to get put back on medication. then hopefully I'll receive word from the guys at the police so I can begin working soon. regarding narcotics, I'd rather not because of its legality. I'll be taking a beer or two today when the guests arrive, so hopefully that'll make things easier.

I have literally been doing nothing productive for the past 3 weeks. It's a special kind of unmotivatedness. I really want to draw and compose and imagine. Everything is such a chore now though. It requires so much energy when it used to be something I'd take for granted and do every day. God I've been spending too much time just sitting on my computer and hating myself and the situation that I'm in. I don't want to be like this. I've tried forcing myself, but my mind is blank all the damn time. And to think I've probably got another 50 odd years more of this, if I'm even still sane enough to realize what's happening before then. If I could still cry I'd be bawling my eyes out right now. I'm sick of everything.

I think I might just kill myself... I think I'm finally just too done with life, I don't want to be here, on earth, with all these people. I want to be alone forever with nobody around. Oh well... I'll just go cry in the shower.

Like i said if yall ever need someone to talk too im always listening when im online :3 skype: Reese (sfmg42)

well, I've slept and guests are gone, and here I am with an incredibly bittersweet feel of yesterday. I appreciate they wanting to stay in touch and I appreciate the social situation, but at the same time I just don't feel happy for it. my day wasn't much better, I still felt what I always do. it's really a bummer since I expected to have a good day yesterday, but I didn't. it really makes me wonder if I've reached the point in depression where happiness is something that just doesn't occur anymore. which tells me I have to begin with medication again to help out with the chemical unbalance, as it has obviously gone way out of control at this point. wouldn't surprise me if my neurotransmitters set up some sort of border patrol to prevent illegal serotonin and dopamine to get through.

So, we had family over today and at some point they had decided to watch old home movies. That was cool, we took a lot of really good home movies back in the old days. I have two older twin brothers, five years older and born in 1987. So the videos from around 1989-1992 are pretty cute. I was born late 1992...and the rest of the tape had me in it. Yay, I guess. No one in my family really understands; from the day I first set eyes on my brothers, I wanted to grow up. Because as I was, I could never keep up, and they never wanted me there. It sounds over-dramatic but I could see how many times I ruined their fun just because I wanted to be a part of the hi-jinks. And our parents made them work with it. It doesn't matter, I knew. And that's been my life, not just with them, but with every single friend I've had in real life. I was a tag-along. And no one really wanted me there. I could watch them all have fun and hang out, though. It ruined me. Because I can't spend time with people at all, anymore. Every single thought of inadequacy or that I'm not wanted there is all my mind goes to whenever I hang out with people, online or off. And I don't know how to fix it, because burdening anybody just perpetuates the problem. There's a home movie of my Dad's birthday, he got a cake with candles and stuff. After he blew them out, he lit a couple more so we could blow them out too. I was...three? I couldn't blow mine out, one of my brothers called me a loser. He was right.

Hi everyone. This is my first time posting in this thread, but I just want somewhere to type this all out. Sorry about this being so long. I won't be offended if it's TL;DR. When I was 18, after high school in august, I moved out of my parent's house to a city an hour away, living with my best friend, and his best friend. It was kind of an unfair arrangement, as my dad helped me with rent as long as I was taking classes at the community college a block away. I felt bad for my roommates because of the help I was getting, so I paid $390 of the rent, and they both payed $190, and on top of that, my room was the living room. I can't tell you how annoying it is to have zero privacy, living in a room that everyone passes through several times a day for a year. By October I had a girlfriend, and by january she moved in with us. She was going to be living with us anyway, and we just happened to get together a few months before she moved in. Now, 4 people living in a 2-bedroom apartment. It was stressful, and I really hated school. I've always hated school. I love learning, but I hate classrooms, teachers, and other students. I really was interested in what I was learning in some of my classes, but something started that year and it took several years to break. When I started taking classes at the community college, things were going well for about 3 weeks. I was keeping up with homework somewhat, and I hadn't missed any classes. One day, I got really down, and skipped all my classes, and after that I had a terrible fear of returning to my classes. I have no idea why, but out of the 4 classes I had that semester, I was automatically dropped from 2, got an F in one, and got an A in the last one. It was the only one that really had me interested, and I could barely even bring myself to walk into the classroom every day. Maybe I'm afraid of classrooms, who knows. So, because I needed the help I was getting from my dad, I pretended that I was still taking all my classes. I'd leave for my class and spend the entire class time in the library on my computer. I was lying to my girlfriend and best friend about it too. Not long after this, my girlfriend and I had enough of living in the living room, and moved out. We moved down the highway about 20 minutes, living in a room of a shared house. This seemed great at first, but this is when things get worse. All this time, she had been going to a different college than me. It was further away from our old apartment, but she had been taking classes there since high school, and wanted to keep going there. Now we lived about 5 minutes from it. I continued to go to "classes" at the first college, but I was really only interested in a single class there. I'd basically drive over to the old apartment and hang out with some friends for most of the day. Eventually, that one class that I was interested in, I stopped going to. I don't know why, but I suddenly got this fear that no one in the class wanted me there, and that they were judging me for missing a class, and that I was worthless. I didn't even know a single person in the class, but I still got this feeling. That semester ended poorly, didn't pass a single class, and decided I would go to the same college as my girlfriend. To make things worse, over the summer I had ordered some Klonopin (clonazepam) from silkroad, and ended up taking over 40 pills (2mg each) within 3 days. I lied to my work, and told them that I had to go out of town because my dad was in the hospital. I lied to my girlfriend, and told her I was feeling sick. The klonopin magically cured me of my social anxiety while I was taking them, but I stopped because I realized that they weren't doing me any good, and almost got me arrested when my friend got caught shoplifting computers while I was with him. After I stopped taking them, the next 3-4 days were really rough. I don't really remember a whole lot, but somehow my girlfriend never found out that I was on benzos. One of the last nights, while she was in the shower, I left a note on the bed and said I was going for a walk by myself. She didn't see the note somehow, and got worried wondering where I went. I had my phone off because I didn't want to talk to anyone. I went walking through this neighborhood, in shorts and a thermal longsleeve over a t-shirt. I ended up taking off the thermal, and my shoes. I left my shoes in some bushes, and carried my shirt. I walked for about an hour, and this night was the first and only time I ever cut myself. It wasn't out of depression really, just because I could hardly feel it and I found it fascinating. Eventually I turned my phone back on and found several voice messages from my girlfriend. I felt guilty so I called her back, and she came and picked me up. I kept my thermal on that night so she wouldn't see what I did to myself. I broke down that night and just fell apart. I didn't tell her anything except that I just wasn't feeling right. I just pretended to go to sleep. Not much longer after that, we found a better place to live, and moved back into an apartment together. It was a 400 sqft studio apartment, but it was better than living with a family in their house. The next semester, I started taking classes at the same college as my girlfriend, and once again, things went well for the first few weeks. I blamed the fact that I was taking entry level classes on the entrance placement exam, when really it was that I hadn't passed any general ed class yet, just a single programming course. I started missing classes again, and I told myself I would go back to the classes, and just apologize to the teachers. I went back to 1 class, and eventually stopped going to that one as well. I lied to my girlfriend this entire time. When finals came around, I pretended that I was still going. On the last night of school, after we finished everything, we went back home, and for some reason she was insistent on seeing my grades. I kind of panicked, but she left to go get some food, and I tried to fake a grade sheet. I didn't finish in time, so I just wrote my grades on a blank piece of paper, and handed it to her when she got back. She got kind of mad, and asked why I wouldn't just show her my grades, and started questioning why she had never seen my study for anything. Well, she basically had me cornered here, and I had to tell her that I didn't pass any of my classes. She was furious, and we almost broke up right there. The next few weeks were hell. We lived in such a tiny apartment, and shared a bed, but we hardly spoke. I knew that I was in the wrong, but I still felt like she took it way too seriously. I still think that she overreacted. She was talking about how she could never trust me fully again. Well, somehow, we patched things up over the next month. I promised that I would show her my grades after the next semester. So the next semester rolls around, and I start taking classes again, determined to actually finish them, and keep going. During this semester, as part of an agreement I made with my girlfriend, I started going to the campus psychiatrist. I saw her weekly for about a month. She said I was showing the signs of depression, and gave me a prescription for Fluoxetine (generic prozac). I started taking it, and I didn't feel any changes at all. Two months passed before I realized that I actually was feeling different than before, but I didn't necessarily like it. It was more of an indifference to whatever happened. Nothing made me upset anymore, but nothing made my really happy. I eventually stopped going to all my classes except one because my girlfriend was in this class with me. I didn't feel any guilt about not taking my classes. The only class I passed that semester was the one I took with my girlfriend, and I got an A. When the end of this semester rolled around, I gave her a grade sheet that I falsified. So that I wouldn't have to lie to her anymore, I told her I was going to quit taking classes for a while. My prescription ran out, and I couldn't get a hold of the campus medical center to renew it, so I stopped taking it. The next week was filled with existential dread, and self-loathing. After that week passed, I was the happiest I had ever been. It was amazing to feel emotions again, and I told myself that everything would now change. My girlfriend continued to go to school, and I just worked my job. We both eventually grew very unhappy in our living situation. We couldn't afford anything more expensive, and we were tired of living in that city. We both quit our jobs, and moved back to our hometown. She moved in back with her parents to save money, which left me with no alternative other than to live with my mom again. So, for the past year, I've been living back at home. I don't know what I want out of life. I want to move to the east coast for a complete change of scenery, where I can't rely on my family at all. I have been getting constant feelings of worthlessness. I'm still with my girlfriend, but we've been growing somewhat more distant. She has been so busy with her job and her personal clients (she's a graphic designer). She's going to most likely move away in December to go to university and get her bachelors degree. I don't want to return to college, but I feel like my mind has become somewhat more stable now, and I think I could actually keep going to my classes if I were to go back. I just don't know what I'd study. I feel like I have no real interests, and no goal in life. It seems like so many people just know what they want to do, and I have absolutely no clue. I want to move out as soon as possible, but my attempt at being self-employed isn't getting me enough money. So now, I'm looking for a job, but I'm afraid that I'll never leave if I get a job in this town. I know I could get a job within 2 weeks if I really applied myself. I think that maybe I should get some mental help, but I can't afford it. I just don't really know what to do.

having a lot of regrets about everything ive fucked up over this year of school oh well theres always next year not like im going to fuck that up right

So, haven't posted here in a while. The drugs are working good, and I'm getting help through psychologists appointments. It seems like may I have OCD and haven't even noticed it, and it may be the root to all my anxiety and problems. Had it since I was a kid apparently..

Tomorrow I have blood test hopefully nothing will show up then I will get new drugs

I was prescribed some new drugs today, sertaline, also known as zoloft. hopefully it'll have a more noticeable effect than prozac which I used to use.

i think it will, its one of the "first-line" AD's with a fairly short half-life (especially in contrast to prozac) anyone know how to sufficiently handle bipolar episodes? ive been going crazy the past few days, shifting moods multiple times a day. i've noticed amphetamines induce (hypo)mania, and alcohol slightly induces a more depressive state, but it's very unpredictable. [editline]2[/editline] regarding zoloft, the first time i got prescribed sertraline was about 6 months back. 50 mg. the first week it was like speed: seriously jittery, unable to sleep, constant flow of energy, fast talking/thinking, lack of concentration and this weird buzzing feeling in my head. it subsided very quickly though and it was (honestly) quite fun. other people described fatigue in the first few weeks, i personally experienced none of that.

Been on prozac again for the past 4 days. I'm feeling really productive and getting much more done, but I'm starting to feel exactly how I felt a month ago all of a sudden. It's milder. I don't feel as jittery or weak-footed as before, but it's been building over the last 2 days. It has to be one of my supplements reacting with the prozac and giving me too much serotonin. But I honestly can't stop taking these anti-depressants. I feel so much better taking them, I don't want to go back to feeling horribly depressive. But if I do choose to keep taking them, I'll have to cut one of my supplements, and I'm worried that it's the one that stops my migraines and eye pains. If it is then I have to choose either being happier but in constant pain, or free of pain but depressed and unenthusiastic. At the very least I feel very focused and motivated currently. Almost like I did when I was taking Ritalin for my ADD. I'm just hoping it keeps lasting, at least long enough for me to get back into drawing and composing. Today alone I finally uploaded some music I've been meaning to put onto youtube (only took me 2 years to get around to it), washed the dishes, dried the dishes, cleaned the house up and brought in the washing. It's been years since I've felt like this. I know it seems weird that they would work this quickly, but if my supplement(s) are interacting with the Prozac then it would make sense. Still really worrying though.

WEll I must have looked really shit the nurse kept asking me if I was feeling allright for some reason but at least she complimented my veins

Haha what a vague and redundant question for a nurse to ask thats like a mortician saying 'hmm, this guy looks dead'

I consider where I live in the world to at least account for half of the way I feel. I need to try new less depressingpleaces but I have no way of doing so.

I feel fucking dead inside.