Depression, anxiety, suicidalism and similar disorders, issues and troubles V3 - Discussion, help an - General

ugh, it's national day in Norway today. luckily I don't have to take part of the celebration, but it still feels pretty bad. it's also my "single life" anniversary today, woohoo. bad day in general I guess. the zoloft hasn't affected me all that much when speaking of side effects luckily, but it did cause some pretty bad insomnia. went from falling asleep 10pm to lying in bed for hours until 3-4am without falling asleep, while also feeling waay too tired to be able to even open my eyes. kind of somewhere in between awake and asleep. think I feel things are somewhat easier though, so there's that. hopefully it'll just get better and better once I'm taking higher doses. I feel much lonelier now too, and honestly I'm not sure if I prefer it this way or not at the moment. can't really bring myself to message people either. have a little social challenge to complete too. for some reason my stepdad has throttled the SSH protocol to my VPS' so I can't really transfer files or use my SSH tunnel anymore, so will definitely have to confront him about it and ask why. figured I'd skip today as it's national day and I don't wanna bring bad mood to it, so I'll most likely do it tomorrow.

Saw my idol today, but due to anxiety I couldn't speak to him. I just wanted to wish him a happy nationalday, but I'm way to fucking scared to do it. And my mom is mad, my brother is upset and pissed and my grandfather died on Wednesday, so everyone is pretty on the egde at the moment. Edit - My dad is really mad at my mom because she just became mad at us because we sat in the car because I was tired. If this continiues there probably be two funerals soon...

Stopped taking my supplement for a week so I could take the prozac instead, and now my chronic fatigue , eye pains and sore muscles are back. Why even bother. Feels like I've been destined to feel like shit 24/7. I need to take antidepressants otherwise I'm afraid I'll do something stupid. But I can't live with this pain and fatigue. This is the worst year of my life. [editline]19th May 2014[/editline] [QUOTE=PredGD;44832280]the zoloft hasn't affected me all that much when speaking of side effects luckily, but it did cause some pretty bad insomnia. went from falling asleep 10pm to lying in bed for hours until 3-4am without falling asleep, while also feeling waay too tired to be able to even open my eyes. kind of somewhere in between awake and asleep.[/QUOTE] Antidepressants are pretty annoying for that. Try taking the antidepressant earlier in the day. I've heard some good things about supplementing with melatonin to get off to sleep. When I'm stuck for sleep I'll usually either get up and draw/write down my frustrations or pop a couple of ibuprofen (which is a Glutamate blocker, so it calms the brain down and stops racing thoughts). Same with Acetylcysteine, though the latter is safer to take in the long run, and it's also a antioxidant. I've been meaning to get some of that to help me sleep and just help my brain fog in general. [editline]19th May 2014[/editline] Apparently it's also beneficial for the treatment of other mental disorders. I should really get on ordering some.

Parents divorced when I was one, they hate each other and I've never seen them smile in the same room before. I've always lived at the east end of the city with my mom, and my dad was in a relationship with a girl 13 years younger than him not too long after (And they married and had my little brother a few years ago). For as long as I can remember my dad always wanted me to move in with him, he bribed me a lot as a kid but I always stayed with my mom. I dropped out of highschool in december, right after my birthday because I got really sick and I was going through treatment, then for a period of time after that while I was dropped out all I did was smoke weed all day, stay up until 6 am, then sleep until 5 - I did this for a few months, then in march my mom got fed up with me and wanted to kick me out witch lead to me being with my grandparents for just over a month. I decided to come home a week ago to see family and friends and just to unwind a bit, and now a week after being back my dad dragged be back to his house on the other side of the city. So now he wants me to live with him and do volunteer work for the time-being, on top of that he's now pressuring me to finish my last few credits at his house, and my mom doesn't care because she is convinced I'm not going to really go to school. I wouldn't say I'm depressed but its so incredibly hard to try to make both your parents happy and try to be happy myself. On the one side I love my dad and my baby brother and I know he just wants to see me every day. On the other side I love my mom, and I like where I've literally lived my whole life. The only problems on both sides are that my dads wife never leaves me alone and treats me like I'm nine years old, and I don't have any freedom (I cant even go in the fridge without asking her or else she "Has a talk" with me). And the problem at my mums house is the fact that she just doesn't think I'm ever going to do anything. Meanwhile I just want to be a normal kid who goes to school and has a job and whose parents do nice shit together and smile. I wish I knew what a family vacation is like, or even what its like to have a mom and dad spend time with you at the same time.

I've retyped this entire post three times now, fuck. I am not good with words. My previous posts were lengthy and dramatic, but I'm going to cut straight to the point now. I am sick and tired of having social anxiety. It's ruining my life and I don't feel normal because I am always so worried of others judging everything I do, from the way I walk to the music that I listen to, it all just feels so helpless and like I'm watching my life run right over me. I have a great group of buddies that I am thankful for, I can't imagine being completely alone at this point. I'm going to force myself to become more social and put myself out there more. If I get invited to go out and do something I am going to fucking do it, no longer are the nights where I hide myself away in my room and fall asleep alone while other people are out having a great time. That isn't fair, I have one life which is currently wasting away. I deserve to be happy. Keep a positive outlook guys, it's never too late to change yourself.

Update on my last post. Went mini golfing and bowling with friends tonight, kept seeing all of these happy couples everywhere laughing and enjoying themselves and my mood just fucking tanked man. A big part of me just wants to go home, give up and die, I feel like a burden on everyone. I won't give up though.

im going to the US tomorrow and the person i was going to be with for 8 days has stopped contacting me so i need to find another way to find a roof for 8 days stressful seeing as most if not all hotels are booked depressive seeing as its getting increasingly difficult to rely on people

I know this issue is petty but I'm honestly sick and tired of some people. I usually get like 1-2 dumb comments or some other bullshit per month but now it's to the point where people accuse me of being an autistic stalker or some sort of other unpleasant thing. It's not how harsh the insults are, it's the quantity of them.

[QUOTE=Gmod Tomato;44846190]Update on my last post. Went mini golfing and bowling with friends tonight, kept seeing all of these happy couples everywhere laughing and enjoying themselves and my mood just fucking tanked man. A big part of me just wants to go home, give up and die, I feel like a burden on everyone. I won't give up though.[/QUOTE] Worst thing is when you walk around with sunglasses, and people look at you. It's probably my paranoia or whatevs, but it's fucking annoying. Maybe I should just color my hair green, and wear a leotard, so I'd definitely know why they are staring at me. My psychologist said I look normal, so why do I get so much attention? Wish I could just stop giving a fuck, but some days it's harder.

[QUOTE=Thaard;44862794]Worst thing is when you walk around with sunglasses, and people look at you. It's probably my paranoia or whatevs, but it's fucking annoying. Maybe I should just color my hair green, and wear a leotard, so I'd definitely know why they are staring at me. My psychologist said I look normal, so why do I get so much attention? Wish I could just stop giving a fuck, but some days it's harder.[/QUOTE] if its of any comfort, I look at people because I'm curious on where they are looking to make sure they're not looking at me. :v: I'm sure other people do the same, looking at people to see where they're looking or curious on how the person looks

My mother told me the most depressing thing. My father has always seemed fairly distant and quiet, but she told me today that he's so mired in worry for me and my brothers that it's changed him. My older brother has to flounder from one job to the next thanks to the wonderful world that is car mechanics, I am stuck in educational limbo after failing calculus repeatedly, and my little brother seems to be constantly struggling to keep his grades up, and seems to draw nothing but anger, disdain, and frustration from the time he spends at school. My father had to tap into his retirement some years ago when his job was outsourced. He has a job now, but his retirement money is actually completely dried up now. And, according to my Mom, he used to make her laugh all the time. Now, he's just... Quiet.

[video=youtube;nXtQBOjluGU]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nXtQBOjluGU[/video] I remember discovering this song shortly after my ex left me exactly a year ago. 1 year from today was the last time I had an actual conversation with her. it was so painful, but I didn't want to let go. I was scared of going back to who I used to be, a person with no friends. I remember it all on May, 17th. we were arguing on Facebook, and then she said "if we're gonna keep this up, we may as well break up!". I was absolutely broken, I begged her to meet me. which she did, we did meet. I started crying the second I saw her, and I begged her to stay. I begged to her, "please don't be serious". it was the first moment in my life where it felt like everything collapsed. I couldn't stand, I bashed my head straight into the wall. I was so sad, so confused, so broken. we did meet for a few more days, but it was unbearable for me. I couldn't stand it and I had to get a break from the constant pain, so I asked her for a months pause of meeting. that was the worst month of my life. when we did eventually meet again, I broke down. I started crying again, I just couldn't stand it. I already had a taste of a social life, and now I was slowly drifting back to old habits. I was so hollow. I was so desperate that I tried to force a kiss on her, which I regret so much. that day was the last time I saw her, she left me crying without saying anything. I haven't seen her since... it hurts that good memories are abandoned. it hurts that the person who meant absolutely everything to me is gone. I've never met a person like her, I've never felt safe on anyone but her. its so fucked up. who was I in 2012? the happiest I've ever been, and now I'm at my worst. its just so fucked up. fucking hell, why don't I have a shoulder to cry on? it boils up in my head, its just a big fucking mess. why is the hole my ex left me still so big? I still miss her so much. I've lost my only friend over the internet too, I'm scared of logging onto steam to avoid confrontation. why am I avoiding social conversations? I want friends, but I just can't... I can't take contact with them. I have no clue why, I have no clue why I am like I am. I feel like a big mess, so frustrated and sad. [editline]21st May 2014[/editline] if god created love, is it for everyone?

[QUOTE=PredGD;44862875]if its of any comfort, I look at people because I'm curious on where they are looking to make sure they're not looking at me. :v: I'm sure other people do the same, looking at people to see where they're looking or curious on how the person looks[/QUOTE] That's interesting, I'll keep that in mind. Had a shitty day yesterday, and feel a bit better today.

And I'm here again. Failing my studies, due to lack of motivation, but maybe really it's my laziness? Or not? Been like that for more than 6 years now, always lazyness they say. I never seen the point in life too, it was, and still is just meaningless, i'm not feeling suicidal atm, but i was before, i am lucky i never did anything... It just feels like things go to an end, i have a student loan to pay back, which i took when i already thougth i cant pass those studies, just because fear of my parents, and their constant rage and repeating "but it costs money so you ARE going to study or go to work!". It feels like i've been manipulated by them for most of my life, never made my own choices and now they want me to be all grown up and responsible. But it's hard to do things, when all you can do is sit on computer all day and you barely can sleep enough not to be asleep whole day. My social and emotional life doesn't help either, always being abused, bullied, it has grown to social anxiety and being oversensitive, i even head that word in a fight with my parents i had yesterday. Oh how i wish they understood how i feel, how i felt for whole my life, and that simply stating problems wont solve them. I dont think i can talk with them about that now, but they will mostly likely keep calling me until i do, and i am so afraid they just wont understand, just get mad at me and push me further, into what i do not know. I so much wanted to cut myself, feel the pain in my mixture of rage, sadness and desperation yesterday, luckily i resisted the urge. Just wanted to write that out.

-

do any of you guys find yourself in the situation where you just can't explain why you're doing the stuff you do? not literally "I showered and I don't know why" but more like "I want to contact people, but I can't and I have no clue why"? I've found myself in that situation so often now. there's so much I want to do, but I won't do it and I have no clue why I'm doing it. contact people? go out? take care of myself? how about no. why? no clue! it's so frustrating when I try to explain this to someone who might have been concerned, offended or curious on why I've been acting like I do since I can't provide the answer to them.

[QUOTE=PredGD;44870778]do any of you guys find yourself in the situation where you just can't explain why you're doing the stuff you do? not literally "I showered and I don't know why" but more like "I want to contact people, but I can't and I have no clue why"? I've found myself in that situation so often now. there's so much I want to do, but I won't do it and I have no clue why I'm doing it. contact people? go out? take care of myself? how about no. why? no clue! it's so frustrating when I try to explain this to someone who might have been concerned, offended or curious on why I've been acting like I do since I can't provide the answer to them.[/QUOTE] I feel like that every single day. I can't explain why either.

[QUOTE=PredGD;44870778]do any of you guys find yourself in the situation where you just can't explain why you're doing the stuff you do? not literally "I showered and I don't know why" but more like "I want to contact people, but I can't and I have no clue why"? I've found myself in that situation so often now. there's so much I want to do, but I won't do it and I have no clue why I'm doing it. contact people? go out? take care of myself? how about no. why? no clue! it's so frustrating when I try to explain this to someone who might have been concerned, offended or curious on why I've been acting like I do since I can't provide the answer to them.[/QUOTE] Answer: Because a symptom of depression is loss of interest in things that used to be enjoyable and a lack of motivation.

[QUOTE=PredGD;44870778]do any of you guys find yourself in the situation where you just can't explain why you're doing the stuff you do? not literally "I showered and I don't know why" but more like "I want to contact people, but I can't and I have no clue why"? I've found myself in that situation so often now. there's so much I want to do, but I won't do it and I have no clue why I'm doing it. contact people? go out? take care of myself? how about no. why? no clue! it's so frustrating when I try to explain this to someone who might have been concerned, offended or curious on why I've been acting like I do since I can't provide the answer to them.[/QUOTE] If it was as easy as stopping to think for a couple of seconds every time one felt something was wrong, this thread wouldn't exist, and nor would professional therapists. In the past, when I've been faced with thoughts, behaviors, and urges I couldn't explain, I found it helped to open up MS word, and just type paragraph upon paragraph about what I was feeling. If I couldn't explain [i]why[/i] I did something, I would describe how it felt, chronicle the situations in which the feelings occurred... Basically, I would write about anything relevant to the strange thought. Once I got started I found that, often, I could start poking around with different theories about why I would feel a certain way, before slowly coming to more sound conclusions. I would also share these ramblings with a close friend of mine, and get his input to aid me in my task to understand myself. So, maybe that'll help. It won't be easy though. It took me [i]months[/i] of doing this kinda crap before I figured out why I felt so guilty and conscious of my behavior when I was away for college. Identifying your problems is one of the first and most important steps to improving yourself and mitigating- or even eliminating- thought patterns or behaviors that are self-obstructing. So, pull out a sheet of paper, or open MS Word or Notepad or whatever, and just write about it. Maybe if you squeeze enough words out of your brain, you can learn something new about yourself too.

ugh i fail at everything i try. my music is awful, my drawings are awful, my writing is awful... everything that used to bring me joy is now just a reminder of how much i suck. what if i never get better at all this stuff? why should i bother trying if i'm just going to keep falling at every hurdle? i sit here and watch all my peers breeze through life effortlessly while i sit here struggling with the most basic of tasks and it makes me want to just give up.

[QUOTE=InvaderNouga;44870978]Answer: Because a symptom of depression is loss of interest in things that used to be enjoyable and a lack of motivation.[/QUOTE] I figured this out the hard way; spending 4 months wondering why I was so demotivated only to fix it when I started taking antidepressants again. [QUOTE=Raxas;44874358]If it was as easy as stopping to think for a couple of seconds every time one felt something was wrong, this thread wouldn't exist, and nor would professional therapists. In the past, when I've been faced with thoughts, behaviors, and urges I couldn't explain, I found it helped to open up MS word, and just type paragraph upon paragraph about what I was feeling. If I couldn't explain why I did something, I would describe how it felt, chronicle the situations in which the feelings occurred... Basically, I would write about anything relevant to the strange thought. Once I got started I found that, often, I could start poking around with different theories about why I would feel a certain way, before slowly coming to more sound conclusions. I would also share these ramblings with a close friend of mine, and get his input to aid me in my task to understand myself. So, maybe that'll help. It won't be easy though. It took me months of doing this kinda crap before I figured out why I felt so guilty and conscious of my behavior when I was away for college. Identifying your problems is one of the first and most important steps to improving yourself and mitigating- or even eliminating- thought patterns or behaviors that are self-obstructing. So, pull out a sheet of paper, or open MS Word or Notepad or whatever, and just write about it. Maybe if you squeeze enough words out of your brain, you can learn something new about yourself too.[/QUOTE] I can confirm this helps a lot. I sit down with a pad of drawing paper at 1 in the morning, write down my frustrations and what I want to do and improve on, and do a little bit of doodling to make me feel better. It helps you to clear your mind of anything that's sitting in the back of your head (which usually shows up when you're trying to sleep). It also gives you some control over your situation, allowing you to vent, figure out what you need to do. [editline]23rd May 2014[/editline] [QUOTE=Slowbro;44875959]ugh i fail at everything i try. my music is awful, my drawings are awful, my writing is awful... everything that used to bring me joy is now just a reminder of how much i suck. what if i never get better at all this stuff? why should i bother trying if i'm just going to keep falling at every hurdle? i sit here and watch all my peers breeze through life effortlessly while i sit here struggling with the most basic of tasks and it makes me want to just give up.[/QUOTE] Sometimes the best thing to do is grind on ahead anyway; disregard that your work might be shit. Do work every day whether you like it or not, because at the very least you are doing something, rather than sitting there wishing you were doing. I'm hardly the best follower of my own advice, but it worked in the past for me, hell even a few weeks ago I was following it. I'm currently just resting up while I recover from whatever is ailing me at the moment.

Im a bit calmer now, still haven't talked to my parents after that stupid fight where i totally overreacted, i just feelt too down and emotional and exploded i guess... I just wonder, how do i know it's lack of motivation and not just pure laziness? I think i wish it wouldn't be so i make myself believe it isnt, just hide the real state of thing from myself and continue my everyday life which consists of sitting on a computer and, well not doing much anything. I've always been said "He's smart but lazy", i remember having days where i just.. felt bad and didn't want to get out of my bed, even telling my parents i feel sick/bad and want to take a break from school (which, maybe for good, never was accepted by my parents). When i look at it now i never really did anything for 12 years of my life (im 19 y/o), i don't even remember much, for sure nothing good. I don't know, i feel kind of better, as in i actually did something today (went to my classes), but i just don't feel right. I am afraid ill just end up doing nothing all day, sitting in my room all alone. I considered going to a psychologist, but i make myself doubt if i even need it, if i'm not again overreacting and just need to stop making excuses for my failures. I also am scared of seeing a psychologist, i don't know why, it's irrational i guess.

[QUOTE=Mobo;44879413]I considered going to a psychologist, but i make myself doubt if i even need it, if i'm not again overreacting and just need to stop making excuses for my failures. I also am scared of seeing a psychologist, i don't know why, it's irrational i guess.[/QUOTE] Shit like depression and anxiety are medically validated excuses- if not straight up primary reasons- for failures. If what you say about yourself is at all true, you totally have a lot of poisonous thought patterns that are holding you back from achieving what you want to achieve, from pushing yourself to your full potential. Psychologists and therapists and medication are all tools for dealing with problems like these. Human beings evolved into what we are today because we use tools. Don't be afraid to use these tools- I'm sure the neanderthals were afraid of fire and wheels, and you don't see them around anymore, do you? :v:

Every time I start to feel happy with myself I get overwhelmed with this wave of sadness and it makes me overthink everything and get upset. I fucking hate it when this happens, I was literally so happy yesterday and now I feel terrible. Things that I usually don't care about seem to matter / mean an awful lot more when I feel this way and I feel really trapped with nowhere to turn. I just wish I had somebody I could vent all this to without being judged but I don't and these free services like samaritans do nothing for me, Its like talking to a robot. [editline]23rd May 2014[/editline] I wish I had the guts to say everything I want to say to everybody I want to say it to, but I don't think it will get me anywhere other than clearing my head, I could be so wrong about all the things that constantly revolve around my mind and I could end up putting myself in an even worse position. I feel like I am completely to blame for the position I am in and I am just letting it build and build while I pretend everything is fine. [editline]23rd May 2014[/editline] I have all the friends I could ask for, Im in a relationship at the moment, I have all the criteria to be happy but it just doesn't seem to fit together because I bottle so much emotion that I just come across as this nice guy that so many people like when the reality is that I am very very unhappy. I just wish I knew what to do. I think talking to somebody would really help, but it would have to be a normal person who actually cares, not a phycologist, councillor, phone line or anything like that... Im so scared that revealing my problems will result in ruining the life I have at the moment and leaving me with nothing. but at the same time I feel like my entire life is a facade and it overshadows everything else. Its a choice between continuing to live this life where to an outsider it looks like everything is going great and I couldn't ask for more But in my head never truly being happy due to the amount of hidden problems and bottled emotions. Or letting all my problems free, clearing my head but potentially ruining / loosing everything I have and starting from scratch. I need an answer. A path to follow. Guidance. Advice. just something to get me out of how I feel right now.

Jesus christ I'm shaking like a mad man and I don't know why.

I think I need another psychiatrist or something. I saw one half a year ago and honestly I thought she was fucking garbage. She was pretty much a student. I'm just under so much stress most of the time, idk what to do to relieve it.

I feel terrible, but at the same time glad, because I just removed 20 or so people on my steam friends list that I don't talk or live near to. I really need to focus and get my life back on track, because I've been a NEET for almost the past two years and I really need to get my life back on track. I'm posting this because I can't go to sleep and I've literally just removed all these terrible feelings off my friends list, which comprised of people that were either depressed like myself or unable to cope with their own problems like I'm trying to do. I've been biking and trying to get my life back on track, but because of these virtual "friends" I've been wasting my time and energy on things besides myself. I really have to thank my brother for constantly pushing me to improve my own life, because as he said, nobody can control my life but myself. Life is hard without my mom, and there have been alot of fucked up things that happened to me when I was a kid, but I need to learn to take control and steer my life into a better direction than it is now. I'm going to go hand out more resumes tomorrow and hopefully once I get a job and some money, I can move out with a friend and start paying for my own college classes and whatever I want! I just needed to post this because this constant feeling has been dwelling inside me and I just had to post this in order to go to bed. Goodnight everyone, I wish you and myself the best that life can offer you! [editline]24th May 2014[/editline] ok but no goodnight

[QUOTE=MrFishcake;44886266]I need an answer. A path to follow. Guidance. Advice. just something to get me out of how I feel right now.[/QUOTE] Honestly, I think the answer is to talk to your friends/girlfriend/family/whoever you feel most comfortable with about this stuff, but to preface it with the concerns you listed. Heck, I'd wager to guess that one of the primary reasons you feel so bummed out despite what you have is because of this emotional barrier you've established between yourself and the world. Because of this, I'd say that you probably feel lonely deep down, and it's manifesting as this inexplicable depression. The thing is, I just have to straight up say it; real and true friends, or any girl worth dating, or any family member worth having any relation with beyond that of blood, all of these folks, want to help you. Do you not feel a certain warmth, a satisfaction, and a closeness with others when they turn to you with their problems for a shoulder to lean on, and an ear to listen? Because I sure as shit do. I'm in this thread, posting this post, after all. Of course, this isn't a guarantee that they'll want to listen, and won't regard your woes as a burden on themselves. [b][i]However[/i][/b], if they [i]do[/i], this is NOT an indicator that your problem is unreal, or of little importance, or that you're a problem to them. It's an indicator that they're awful people who don't give a fuck about you or your well-being, and I would highly recommend that you tell them to leave and never come back. Okay, maybe that's a bit harsh, but I can't stand that shit personally. Anyway, you get the idea. Talk to the ones you feel most comfortable about this. Confide in them. Preface it with your concerns about how you feel that revealing these problems will compromise the life you have now, so that they know how to respond. They want to help. Believe me, please.

[QUOTE=Raxas;44893802]Honestly, I think the answer is to talk to your friends/girlfriend/family/whoever you feel most comfortable with about this stuff, but to preface it with the concerns you listed. Heck, I'd wager to guess that one of the primary reasons you feel so bummed out despite what you have is because of this emotional barrier you've established between yourself and the world. Because of this, I'd say that you probably feel lonely deep down, and it's manifesting as this inexplicable depression. The thing is, I just have to straight up say it; real and true friends, or any girl worth dating, or any family member worth having any relation with beyond that of blood, all of these folks, want to help you. Do you not feel a certain warmth, a satisfaction, and a closeness with others when they turn to you with their problems for a shoulder to lean on, and an ear to listen? Because I sure as shit do. I'm in this thread, posting this post, after all. Of course, this isn't a guarantee that they'll want to listen, and won't regard your woes as a burden on themselves. [B][I]However[/I][/B], if they [I]do[/I], this is NOT an indicator that your problem is unreal, or of little importance, or that you're a problem to them. It's an indicator that they're awful people who don't give a fuck about you or your well-being, and I would highly recommend that you tell them to leave and never come back. Okay, maybe that's a bit harsh, but I can't stand that shit personally. Anyway, you get the idea. Talk to the ones you feel most comfortable about this. Confide in them. Preface it with your concerns about how you feel that revealing these problems will compromise the life you have now, so that they know how to respond. They want to help. Believe me, please.[/QUOTE] Thanks for taking the time to reply for me, I was in a really dark place when I posted that but thankfully I pulled out of it when I decided to vent everything I held in for months during an argument we were having last night. I am quite relieved to have got it out of my system as I pretty much just blurted everything out one thing after another and amazingly it didn't end up with us breaking up. The first thing I got in reply was "why did you hold all this from me for so long" and then "well at least I know how you really feel" I don't really want to get into the facts of what was wrong in our relationship or the reasons I was holding things back but it basically consisted in deceitful things behind my back, lies and other completely inconsiderate actions. I was very forgiving where most people wouldn't be and love kept us together but the truth is that I have never been able to fully let go of the things that have happened in the past and as a result I have found it very hard to have any trust in the relationship and still don't. If I wasn't so in Love I would just end it, But putting the lies and deceit behind I have genuinely never had so much in common with somebody and never loved somebody like this in my life and I just fear that I would never find anybody else the same if I was to end it and I would regret it for the rest of my life. Its tough but i'm sure that one day I will finally be happy.

was at my friends place today, went much smoother (for me) this time around now that my meds have settled and I'm more safe on them. her on the other hand had a pretty rough day. visited her old ex with her mother in prison (he killed someone, she doesn't like to visit as far as I know), had a big fight with her boyfriend before I came and was sick. ended up going to bed an hour before I was going to leave without notice, so I ended up chatting with her mother for the last hour. now that I'm home I'm left with the same empty feeling as every other time. it really sucks big time that we don't meet that often.