Depression, anxiety, suicidalism and similar disorders, issues and troubles V3 - Discussion, help an - General

ok so you're sorta stuck in a vicious cycle that has seemingly no end to its negativity and exerts such an influence upon your life that you become depressed, down, blue or w/e the solution is fairly simply but not easy to obtain. goal being to break this slur you're currently in. you named a few problems: + lack of (trustworthy) friends/social interaction + lack of ambition, drive of sorts (lacking motivation) + lacking enjoyment and happiness, feeling blue/depressed/sad etc. semi solution: surround yourself in positivity; getting out of the daily slur and into a new environment. like, grabbing the train to the countryside and staying there for a week or so. dont use the cellphone or internet (tell your parents where you're going though). just sit in the park or walk around. you'll be surprised what you see sometimes and you might even be surprised of the kindness and the sudden (positive) events that might happen to you. gaining positive energy when going back to your daily life gives you a boost to be able to do things. [I]you cant do it all at once[/I]. it took me years to better myself socially and mentally, but if you stop seeing life as a downward slope and more of a wonky old ladder going up, you'll be surprised with what you can accomplish. as for the lack of social adeptness, this is a thing that needs to come gradually. lots of internet chats and skype conversations will barely improve your verbal and non-verbal skills. for this you just need to go out and actually do it. people tend to like books and like to read "tutorials" and manuals. here are a few to better yourself socially: [URL]http://e-edu.nbu.bg/pluginfile.php/3...itive_Book.pdf[/URL] (free to download via this edu website) this book is actually meant for "observing" gestures but I found it helpful seeing as it would give me something to "hold on to" and know what a person /really/ means at times. numerous books stated on this website are also helpful, but very specific: [URL]http://www.thestudentroom.co.uk/wiki..._at_university[/URL] [URL]http://www.amazon.com/Conversationally-Speaking-Increase-Personal-Effectiveness/dp/1565656296/ref=pd_sim_b_6?ie=UTF8&refRID=1HJDY992DF9QPTBZKFT2[/URL] also helps, maybe. Aside from that, certain nooptrics, amphetamines and anti-depressants helped me get over my social anxiety. there is a certain stigma that using nooptrics is "cheating", but it helps remove the "personal" barrier and allows you to develop social skills freely I would not venture into antidepressants or mood stabilizers only if you feel like it would benefit you; they helped me for a bit with my crippling depression, but when all is said and done and you're feeling OK, you start noticing the side-effects and withdrawals, some of which can even be permanent, which can sometimes just not be worth it. CBT can help a lot for some people in this case. Usage of nooptrics should of course be firmly regulated. If you do not have these available to you (as they are mostly prescription based), you can try herbal methods that are considered "anxiety lessening" methods. I tried rhodiola for a while, which (anecdotal) gave me a slight lift of mood and energy, alongside a heightened social increase. funny thing is, herbal methods they are (in almost ever case) completely placebo. but even placebo works. Lastly, partaking in jobs that force you to be verbally proficient and in communication (IT helpdesk for example) will increase you social awareness and social skills (it has for me, despite dreading the tedious work). if all else fails, consider the following: the mistakes you made will only be remembered by you. others will forget as they only remember their own faults as well (not the original idea, but its the least depressing version of it). meaning that if you do something stupid, it's only embarrassing in the moment. after an x amount of time, you'll probably never see those people again and they would've forgotten it ever happened. only you will remember it. as for the future: you are the shaper of the mold. decide how you want to live your life. you can literally just pack your stuff and go on a journey throughout asia right now as an adventure. hows that for a deviation from that 9 to 5 desk job!! (im kinda bored and had time so) [editline]1[/editline] as addendum im not saying that you /should/ get drugs or experiment with drugs. i did that for a little while and it was a very strange experience. besides it might even be illegal in some cases. if you're into herbal medication, try Rhodiola.

Well to be honest I don't actually have a job currently and thus not really any money, it's just that I see myself ending up in a 9 to 5 desk job (could of course end up with a far worse job, I guess that's probably best case scenario at this point). Currently I'm trying to get qualification to go to uni but I don't even know what I want to do at uni, there aren't really any subjects that are open to me that I want to do, but at the same time I need a degree of some kind since it's pretty much an expectation that you have one at this point. Getting help is pretty difficult when you have pretty much no money of your own. I'm considering going to the doctors about the anxiety to see if I can get a diagnosis and therapy for it, assuming I do actually have a disorder. Might ditch my friends though, they pissed me the fuck off last night, I'm sick of being a cheap joke to them, at this point being around them is doing more harm than good.

[QUOTE=carcarcargo;44959196]Well to be honest I don't actually have a job currently and thus not really any money, it's just that I see myself ending up in a 9 to 5 desk job (could of course end up with a far worse job, I guess that's probably best case scenario at this point). Currently I'm trying to get qualification to go to uni but I don't even know what I want to do at uni, there aren't really any subjects that are open to me that I want to do, but at the same time I need a degree of some kind since it's pretty much an expectation that you have one at this point. Getting help is pretty difficult when you have pretty much no money of your own. I'm considering going to the doctors about the anxiety to see if I can get a diagnosis and therapy for it, assuming I do actually have a disorder. Might ditch my friends though, they pissed me the fuck off last night, I'm sick of being a cheap joke to them, at this point being around them is doing more harm than good.[/QUOTE] Don't be afraid to drop friends if they're giving you more grief than they're worth. Always try working issues out but if that fails drop 'em. The mental anguish is never worth it. It sucks not having friends but it beats having 'friends' who treat you as the third wheel. I've only had to drop a few friends in my life, but that's because I didn't have many friends when I was young so I clung to any that I could, no matter how shitty they were. I got lucky though that one of my closest friends who used to fuck with me and owe him money for small things owed up to all the dickish shit he put me through back then and is now chill as, and very helpful and caring. I ended up going snowboarding with him back in New Zealand (I absolutely sucked but the experience was nice). About uni, I've always hated how it's been the go-to for going anywhere in life. In many peoples eyes if you don't seek higher education you're stuck in dead-end jobs forever. I'm dealing with that at the moment thanks to my ADD making learning very hard, while watching my friends going on to uni and talking about how much fun they're having, and all the new friends they're making too. I did have a chance to go learn more after highschool, but I had the sour taste of my final year of school still in my mouth, which put me off. Really regret not taking the opportunity at the time, even if I would've failed the course from inattentiveness.

[QUOTE=Weirdness;44960050]Don't be afraid to drop friends if they're giving you more grief than they're worth. Always try working issues out but if that fails drop 'em. The mental anguish is never worth it. It sucks not having friends but it beats having 'friends' who treat you as the third wheel. I've only had to drop a few friends in my life, but that's because I didn't have many friends when I was young so I clung to any that I could, no matter how shitty they were. I got lucky though that one of my closest friends who used to fuck with me and owe him money for small things owed up to all the dickish shit he put me through back then and is now chill as, and very helpful and caring. I ended up going snowboarding with him back in New Zealand (I absolutely sucked but the experience was nice). About uni, I've always hated how it's been the go-to for going anywhere in life. In many peoples eyes if you don't seek higher education you're stuck in dead-end jobs forever. I'm dealing with that at the moment thanks to my ADD making learning very hard, while watching my friends going on to uni and talking about how much fun they're having, and all the new friends they're making too. I did have a chance to go learn more after highschool, but I had the sour taste of my final year of school still in my mouth, which put me off. Really regret not taking the opportunity at the time, even if I would've failed the course from inattentiveness.[/QUOTE] I've dropped people in the past during my school years because this exact same shit, the current lot are kind of linked into the group I dropped but they were the not so bad ones (plus one new guy who turned out to be an insane racist narcissist), I though we were past those days but clearly not so I might just drop this lot as well. I mean when someone totally unjokingly just tells you you're a failure at life, regardless of how true it is, it's time to drop them as far as I'm concerned, it only feeds into my depressed mood and does me no good. As for higher education its just been a lot of bad decisions and I guess a bit of laziness (mostly due to lack of motivation and finding it hard to focus on stuff) on my part, I took the wrong subjects and now I'm trying to make up for it now and plan to learn some programming (since programming is useful as fuck) + hopefully get some work or at least work experience after June and hopefully get into uni by 20/21 (that's pretty late I know but I don't have much of a choice at this point)

The new supplement (technically it's a medical drug but it's sold as a supplement) seems to be helping. My brain fog and neck pains definitely go down after taking it, though not entirely. I might have to increase the dose. What's amazing though is that it's nearly fixed my mood swings and depression entirely. It helps modulate dopamine (along with glutamate, which is why I initially started taking it) so I'm not surprised, but I wasn't expecting it to actually do anything about my mood. I've mostly been taking it to help my PVFS. I've been so much happier as of late. It's not hypomania because I was feeling absolutely shit yesterday at work, but much better when I got home. With hypomania it starts the moment I wake up and continues until I sleep, and is unbroken for days on end. If I'm in a depressive phase it lasts for weeks on end non-stop, and I'll hear about my shit mood from my girlfriend. This feels more like a more normal mix of emotions. I feel sad at times but I also feel happy during others, and it doesn't switch crazily either like the mood swings I've been having. I've been able to enjoy playing games, talking to people, and hell, even posting more on facepunch and uploading music to youtube. I do still get bursts of fog though; the Acetylcysteine doesn't last for the whole day, more like for 4-5 or so hours at a time before it wears off. I can just take another though to calm it down. Only thing that's worrying me at the moment is I'm flaring with my fatigue and brain fog fairly severely currently, and that's bringing back my eye twitch. It's a little disconcerting. I'll have to watch it for now. I would definitely recommend trying this out. It's not a cure by a longshot, but I've gotten some good results out of it so far. It's also an antioxidant, and has a number of other good effects on the brain. [url]http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Acetylcysteine[/url] I've read people can get some pretty crazy reactions to it though with rashes. I haven't had that personally thankfully. [editline]1st June 2014[/editline] Also, I'd like to say sorry for turning this place into my personal health blog. My health issues just tie a lot into my depression so it made sense to lump it all together in the same place. I'll try replying more to peoples posts more to help out. It's only fair.

i need help. how do i go about looking for emergency mental help?

[QUOTE=Cabbage;44962097]i need help. how do i go about looking for emergency mental help?[/QUOTE] If you're in grade school, I would seek out a student counselor to ask about that. If you're in college/uni, I would still seek a counselor, but depending on your college/uni, there could be specific counselors for mental help, so you could look into those. If neither of those are options, I'd seek help from an adult you trust (if you're an adult, ask friends you trust). If it's a suicide-related emergency, there are suicide hotlines you can call (I wouldn't think too much of calling an employed stranger in such a time of need- they chose that job, and they wouldn't have done so if they didn't genuinely want to help). Even 911 (or the UK alternative that I forget about) would be an option I'd recommend if it's about suicide as well. Suicide is pretty life-threatening, after all.

I wouldn't be suprised if I went to sleep one night and never woke up. Well because I would be dead, and my energy levels are just really fucked up. I need a total of 12 hours sleep per day in order to feel awake, and stress usually doesn't help.

A very good friend of mine has been helping me study for my GED test, and has been helping me with my depression... [quote]Once a time ago, their was a young lady in a small desert oasis who had planted a blueberry bush branch amongst the calm waters of the oasis. In time she found that her oasis was accompanied by another creature that shared the same needs of her blueberry bush. The creature was a young lynx, who foolishly stepped into the young lady's oasis in hopes of getting water. This young lady knew from many stories passed down, that a lynx was a strange and sometimes awkward creature. Yet the lady was not afraid of that, and decided to let the lynx stay with her in her oasis. As time went on, the lynx grew attached to the lady's kindness, and the lady grew a fondness for the lynx's playfulness. They managed to live peacefully with the plentiful waters of the oasis, and both of them grew up together. The lynx slowly grew his own mane, and the maturing lady nurtured the blueberry bush she has planted as a child. The lynx would come and go, as did the lady, and one day the lynx returned but he wasn't the same. The lady in shock ran to the lynx, and found that his mane was not growing larger, and as such, he was disowned by the other lynxes of the desert. Yet even though the lynx had been disowned by his own and so many others, the lady stayed and cared for him. She took upon herself the problems of the lynx, and the need to nurture her blueberry bush in the oasis. The lynx felt the need to repay the lady, yet he never could find a way to do so. He would go out and come back with flowers, precious gemstones, and many other items of the desert. And all though the lady was happy with the gifts, and happy with the lynx, the lynx still felt as if he hadn't repayed her. Time and time again, he searched for a way to repay the lady, but never once did it occur to him that the lady was just happy with him being there. One day, the lady's blueberry branch had turned into a fully grown bush, and had sprouted a yield of thousands of blueberries. The two inhabinants of the oasis looked on the bush in awe and wonder... Amazed with the lady's work. It's at this point that the lady could of harvested the blueberries, and moved on from the oasis and the lynx. Yet she did move on from the oasis, she kept the lynx with her, and never shoo'd him away. No matter how small his mane was, and no matter how large of a circle the lynx put himself into by trying to repay the lady. The lady would never shoo him, for some odd reason. And to this day, the lynx is grateful to still have her as a friend. xxxxxx, to this day I feel the need to repay you for all you have done for me. You have stopped me from killing myself when I got kicked out of school, have grabbed my hands and pulled me back onto the right path, and done everything in your power to try and help me. Ever since we met on that roleplaying forum those eight years ago, I cannot understand why you haven't left me in the dust, when you have gone forward and become one of the most amazing people I know. All though this little story and letter will never be enough to thank you for being a saint for all these years, I just hope that it'll at least be something to show my almost universal appreciation for you. One day, when I have finally dig myself out of this hole, I hope to do something amazing to repay you. For the moment though, "xxxxxxxx" let it be known that your little brother "Joey Skylynx" is forever grateful. Love your little brother, Joseph[/quote] I plan on building her something for her birthday, and I am going to include a revised version of this letter with it. She has done so much to help me, its the least I can do.

Was confronted by the counselor that sent me to the psychiatrist after what she made me out me to be. Got really frustrated, but I managed to stay focused and prentended everything was ok. Made realize how mad I'm at some people that ruined me and made me so mental unstable. Now I go around saying fuck romance and girlfriends because I want to be in control of my own life and so I can die in peace and don't make more people upset. Why the fuck am I so thoughtful, nobody looks out for me anyway...

Man.. Sleepless and I've been thinking about the last few years. Been feeling like shit generally, but i do have everything I need - friends, a job, money etc. I just can't appreciate anything, and i have no motivation to do anything with anyone. The only thing I do now at weekends is skipping eating and sleep. Lost all sense of happiness and whatnot. Reordered my huge photo collection, remembered a lot of good memories, it's sad really. God damnit what am I doing with my life I really need to try antidepressants again, even if they make me suicidal.

May have been interesting in a way, when I think back at it. I don't feel sad, but I haven't felt happy either. I'm not really capable of thinking into the future and I really live in the now, not the past, nor the future. I have no plans, I have no ambitions or dreams, not pondering what happened years ago, etc. somehow I don't mind living like this, yet I hate it. not sure if that's because I have given up or can't be bothered to even try. I'm actually surprised at how little I do everyday. either I'm browsing Facepunch, playing mindless games like Titanfall or watching videos on Youtube. I can't get into RPG's, MMO's or any complex games for whatever reason, I lose interest way too fast. I'm bored most of my time awake, yet I somehow accept it. had I been this bored 5 years ago I'd probably have killed myself out of sheer boredom, yet it's okay today. I like to think that being in complete isolation for as long as this have made me a more calm person. I reflect upon things, and I feel like Buddha. :v: in the end, I'm not sure if I'm making up excuses to not bother trying to push my life back on track, or if I'm being incredibly optimistic about my situation. that's what I hate about this the most, the fact that I feel like a complex puzzle I'm unable to solve. I can't explain why I think or act like I do. [editline]2nd June 2014[/editline] I'm pretty sure I managed to lose my best friend on the internet too. not sure if I should be happy or not. it feels like a relief to be by myself, but that just means anxiety won.

I had a vision today during my exam. I'm going to be like Mozart. Try to make something people don't appreciate and then cave in on myself before I die of the pressure and illnesses. It's sad, but it's not really that far fetched considering how I am at this point...

[QUOTE=Swog;44925902] goddamnit, I just wanna belong somewhere where I can fucking blend in, but society or some community pushes me out and makes me a fucking social reject.[/QUOTE] Don't enter flamewars/even bother with people harrasing you. Those s.o.b always join the bandwagon, like always.

[QUOTE=PredGD;44976700]May have been interesting in a way, when I think back at it. I don't feel sad, but I haven't felt happy either. I'm not really capable of thinking into the future and I really live in the now, not the past, nor the future. I have no plans, I have no ambitions or dreams, not pondering what happened years ago, etc. somehow I don't mind living like this, yet I hate it. not sure if that's because I have given up or can't be bothered to even try. I'm actually surprised at how little I do everyday. either I'm browsing Facepunch, playing mindless games like Titanfall or watching videos on Youtube. I can't get into RPG's, MMO's or any complex games for whatever reason, I lose interest way too fast. I'm bored most of my time awake, yet I somehow accept it. had I been this bored 5 years ago I'd probably have killed myself out of sheer boredom, yet it's okay today. I like to think that being in complete isolation for as long as this have made me a more calm person. I reflect upon things, and I feel like Buddha. :v: in the end, I'm not sure if I'm making up excuses to not bother trying to push my life back on track, or if I'm being incredibly optimistic about my situation. that's what I hate about this the most, the fact that I feel like a complex puzzle I'm unable to solve. I can't explain why I think or act like I do. [editline]2nd June 2014[/editline] I'm pretty sure I managed to lose my best friend on the internet too. not sure if I should be happy or not. it feels like a relief to be by myself, but that just means anxiety won.[/QUOTE] Sounds pretty much like myself except in the reverse in regards to the attitude towards it, I used to be fine with it, but after about 7 years of it it's really starting to get far far too dull. Edit: In fact you're a hell of a lot more like myself than I thought, I also cannot for the life of me get interested in MMOs, I just get bored far too quickly, it's why I have so many games but have never really played more than 100 hours on most of them

[QUOTE=ROFLBURGER;44965996]I wouldn't be suprised if I went to sleep one night and never woke up. Well because I would be dead, and my energy levels are just really fucked up. I need a total of 12 hours sleep per day in order to feel awake, and stress usually doesn't help.[/QUOTE] have you tried slowly pushing back? usually i feel refreshed and wide awake on seven hours of sleep myself if i try to stay on a good schedule.

[QUOTE=Ownederd;44983170]have you tried slowly pushing back? usually i feel refreshed and wide awake on seven hours of sleep myself if i try to stay on a good schedule.[/QUOTE] No I haven't. Tomorrow I'm getting a blood test. My doctor thinks my testosterone levels are too high.

Huh, I also have to sleep a lot. If I can, I usually go to sleep right after I get home from work. And even then I'm tired in the middle of the day, often going to sleep at work.

I sleep a metric fuckton ever since I had encephalitis. I barely have any energy left in me anymore. It's hell because I can't do any of the things I used to before, and that puts a huge strain on my mental health. I was a lazy piece of shit before but at least I got up and about and got creative and enjoyed myself. Can't even do that anymore. :suicide:

How can I convince my best friend that I still love him? He's been struggling to start conversations with me for a while, which I more than understand but I've been having trouble doing the same too recently. I know that he's worried about my lack of contact with him and now I fear he's avoiding me. This has happened before, it's always the both of us getting unnecessarily anxious that the other hates us. No matter how much we tell each other it's all good it still continues to happen. I have more trust in him than anyone else I know and it really frustrates me that our friendship goes through these uncomfortable situations. He's helped me out of some rough stuff and I'm afraid I've fallen back into this lifestyle that he helped me to escape from. Maybe he's better off without me, perhaps I should wait for him to feel ready to contact me or to completely remove me from his life. I don't know if it's selfish for me to think this way but I just want him back as I really miss him. I just don't know what to do.

[QUOTE=mrmr;44990630]How can I convince my best friend that I still love him? He's been struggling to start conversations with me for a while, which I more than understand but I've been having trouble doing the same too recently. I know that he's worried about my lack of contact with him and now I fear he's avoiding me. This has happened before, it's always the both of us getting unnecessarily anxious that the other hates us. No matter how much we tell each other it's all good it still continues to happen. I have more trust in him than anyone else I know and it really frustrates me that our friendship goes through these uncomfortable situations. He's helped me out of some rough stuff and I'm afraid I've fallen back into this lifestyle that he helped me to escape from. Maybe he's better off without me, perhaps I should wait for him to feel ready to contact me or to completely remove me from his life. I don't know if it's selfish for me to think this way but I just want him back as I really miss him. I just don't know what to do.[/QUOTE] Try ask him to go out somewhere (assuming that's what you guys did) or try to talk to him more? what exactly has happened to make you two end up this way? (I've sort of had this happen before so I can kind of get what you're talking about)

Depression is really starting to kick in hard, I need someone to talk to this about and it's killing me. I've never really had friends going though school, infact I never really had friends besides the people who were my "friends" because I had the latest games and consoles at the time. I was always bullied because of my weight, my parents never cared that I was a morbidly obese gradeschooler, they just cared for me to shut up and leave them alone about my problems, so food and videogames kept me quiet. During the 6th grade, I was spit on by several of the kids at my school because I was a fat boy who sat by myself in the corner of the playground just trying to avoid being around people, my parents pulled me out of school and I never went back until I started high school. By that point I realized I was gay, which kinda made things worse. So I kept to myself, I have a lack of people skills when talking to anyone outside of the internet, including my parents because I didn't want to come across as an attention whore since everyone else who talked about depression openly online kept getting called out for it, so I kept it in. Shortly after I started taking art classes at my school, they kept telling us to write poetry, all I did was write suicide notes that rhymed and handed them in, the teacher pulled me back and had a long discussion with me about how it was bad to talk about suicide and it's a selfish thing to do, so I stopped going to the classes, I didn't know what else to write about. Then, I asked my dad to take me to a counselor, he said he would but only if I didn't talk about our family life, where we live or why I'm actually trying to get help, also anti depressants were off the table, he didn't want his son to become a junkie, so I just asked him to cancel all the appointments. Then, I met a guy online. He and I were extremely close prior to us like, hooking together. It was online, but I didn't really how to express myself, I didn't even know how to talk to him about it, but he friendlied me up to some of his friends, and I started feeling more comfortable around him. I told him that I liked him, he said he liked me too. At that point he was the first person I could go to and vent about what's going on in my life without the unneeded anxiety. Then, we decided to take it seriously, we were together for about a month, then he just stopped talking to me. We were still together, originally I thought he just needed his space so I left him alone. Week after week, he got more and more distant, he wouldn't even say my name anymore, he wouldn't tell me when he's going to bed, he just stopped talking to me. So I asked one of his friends what was going on with him. Apparently, shortly after he and I got together he was cheating on me for someone closer to him then I could ever be, apparently I wasn't taking it seriously and expressing myself around him, which was kinda ironic because he said he was gonna try and teach me how to express myself without keeping it bottled in until it made me physically sick to keep it in anymore. What a great early birthday gift.. I don't know what to do. Apparently he wants to still be friends but I still have feelings for him, I can't get my mind off him, even after all the stress and depression he gave me, I still love him. Yet I know he and I will never be together.. What do I do, a few days ago I ended up purging everyone on my friendslist on skype and steam and almost killed myself because I can't take this depression, I can't see anyone about it, I have no one IRL to talk to about it, I have to deal with it. I know killing yourself is bad, i've heard it my entire life. But I can't handle this intense sadness in me anymore. I don't like crying, I don't like being sad, but I don't know how to be happy. I probably will never be happy and it kills me to know that. People keep telling me things will get better, but i've been hearing that for 6, almost 7 years and it just keeps getting worse. Sorry if this is unreadable or hard to follow, I never wrote anything like this before, it took me about an hour just to write this without anxiety telling me not to post it and just sulk back onto my bed

Fucking Christ, I have no friends to play any games with. Only two who somewhat resemble friends always play League of Legends, which I really dislike, and everyone in Steam are usually busy either doing something IRL, either playing something that I'm not playing. And I guess I can't really blame people for not wanting to play with me, with my toxic and depressing attitude, I'm like a walking danger zone.

and there we go, mental breakdown first time in months, just waiting for it to happen i'm just gonna put on my foster mom's last favorite songs and sit here all day not gonna bother going to work

For months I've been grappling with my suicidal (ex? It ended on a question mark, and now she's dead, but I don't even want to consider being with anyone else) girlfriend, myself, and how much our relationship taught me about who and how I am as a person. Or, in other words, I've been brooding like an old hen. This is going to be a fairly long and whiny post, but it's not like I have anywhere else to put it. That's what we're here for, right? I was supposed to write this beautiful, bittersweet story about our tragic yet SUPER romantic relationship, and everyone who read it would be moved to tears over the story of two star-crossed lovers being each other's soulmates and reason to live despite overwhelmingly shitty circumstances, for some reason. It did not really go down that way, obviously. It was more a depressing, bizarre story of two shitty people feeding on each other and then one of them dies. I wrote page after page of this garbage at this furious pace, then read what I had written and was disgusted by it so I tossed it. It got to the point that I forgot why I was writing to begin with and what kind of story it was meant to be. Was I going to craft this story to be some indelible monument to her and how much she meant to me? Was I writing it because I hated her for doing what she did, and my only regret was that she was dead so I couldn't kill her myself? It was all over the place, tonally. She was beautiful in some passages, the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen, and oh how I loved her so, yet on the next page she was hideous inside and out, skin and bones and fangs. A truly ugly person. A witch, a vampire, now a ghost. I was making writing much harder than it had ever been for me before, and indeed much harder than it needed to be, yet I kept at it, dragging the words out of myself and putting them down, killing myself slowly with the effort, only to throw them out anyways. Why was I doing this? Because I had to. No one else was going to remember her. And I got even more down on myself because I was doing a piss-poor job of that. Then one day I just stopped. I didn't throw away what I had. I have 50 pages of it saved even now, and at least half of them were written while I was caught up in a vicious cycle cough syrup abuse and insomnia, so I'm sure they're not exactly coming from a good place. I didn't read any of it at all. I just assumed it was godawful but I didn't get rid of it because I'm a masochist, I suppose, and wanted something to remind me of how I failed at the only thing I'd ever felt passionate about doing. Adding on to that, I've been a total cunt to what few friends I have left, and have completely alienated myself from my family, not that I had much of one to begin with. Which brings me to where I am now. 1:30 in the morning, pouring my heart out in a thread on some forum where I have no real connection to anyone just because I have nowhere else to do it. Stuck with some story I feel compelled to tell yet I'm quite simply not ready to write. Not until I've put enough distance between all of it and I can look at a picture of her without wanting to vomit. I have nightmares every night that I do manage to get some uneasy sleep. She told me that would be the case, so I can't say she didn't warn me. Hallelujah for that. I look like shit and I don't even have the decency to be nice to anyone. Also, I have had food poisoning for the past two days because I decided to treat myself to a nice dinner at my favorite Chinese joint after being cooped up in my room for a week only that was a horrible decision and now I feel as bad or worse as I look. :v:

Self-inflicted depression, ugh. I feel like a worthless piece of shit, I never improve from my efforts. And I'm getting the paranoia of that my native language is going to get worse and more worse. I was way too lazy (lack of motivation and addiction to games). That I left out too much stuff to do. Technically seeing, it's not that much. But my depression, But, this "emotional" paranoia makes it look like that it's too much for me to get done before the semester ends. Self-inflicted depression makes it worser for me to work. It makes me alot slower and my efforts get worser as I inflict myself (seeing that it was all my fault) with more stress and etc. Getting more laid back than being more productive. It's not that bad though, but I'm afraid it will get alot worser. Is the only solution/help to this kind of depression is to finish all the work?

These days I can barely do anything except sleep I don't think I will draw or paint again in my live what a loser.

Does anyone else just feel like utter shit over the way they look? Honestly I can't look in the mirror without going almost mental over how much I hate the way my face is, I just feel like cutting it off at times

This is basically me 24/7/365. Wake up, fuck something up accidentally. Take a shower, fuck something up accidentally. Eat breakfast and brush teethes, fuck something up accidentally. Go to school, be inattentive as fuck staring off to space. Get home, complain about day, fuck something up. Do homework, complain about no motivation, fuck something up. Raise my dad's stress level, fuck something up. Get yelled at. tl;dr my day in a nutshell [sp]and my body feels like its shutting down[/sp]

[QUOTE=mrmr;44990630]How can I convince my best friend that I still love him? He's been struggling to start conversations with me for a while, which I more than understand but I've been having trouble doing the same too recently. I know that he's worried about my lack of contact with him and now I fear he's avoiding me. This has happened before, it's always the both of us getting unnecessarily anxious that the other hates us. No matter how much we tell each other it's all good it still continues to happen. I have more trust in him than anyone else I know and it really frustrates me that our friendship goes through these uncomfortable situations. He's helped me out of some rough stuff and I'm afraid I've fallen back into this lifestyle that he helped me to escape from. Maybe he's better off without me, perhaps I should wait for him to feel ready to contact me or to completely remove me from his life. I don't know if it's selfish for me to think this way but I just want him back as I really miss him. I just don't know what to do.[/QUOTE] I have had experiences like this with the person that I made a letter for a few posts up on this page. Her and I have known each other since we were about ten, and have pretty much always been there for each other. Well every so often out of my own stupidity I tend to make stupid remarks, and we start arguing about things and separate from each other for a few days, but no matter what we always come back to each other. I once ended up got into a really fucked up position, and ended up basically locking myself up and stopped communicating with my friends as well as my own family. One of my earlier posts in this thread mentions my state at that point with constantly bringing a gun barrel under my chin and asking myself why the fuck I screwed up so badly, and how could I possibly let myself live for such failures. One day the girl contacted me, and we got on webcam and started talking and she really caught that something was up within the instant she saw how I looked. She ended up asking me the whole 20Q, and I ended up breaking down in the conversation and she called my parents who later went into my room and took away the firearms in my room(even my pellet rifle!) in order to ensure I wouldn't do something. It's sorta the reason I am building her something right now, to thank her for being there for me and working with me to fix my problems. I am not exactly sure what is happening between you and your friend, but if your friendship is anything like that between myself and my friend, his lack of communication is probably because he feels confused and alone, and is unsure of how to communicate his problems. If he fell down the hole that I fell down, he's in a really, really fucked up place right now and needs someone to intervene and talk to him.