Depression, anxiety, suicidalism and similar disorders, issues and troubles V3 - Discussion, help an - General

i have pretty severe bipolar disorder with intense mania and intense depression states, as well as common panic attacks sometimes i want to kill myself so badly

Holy fuck what is going on seriously.. Just slept for about 11 hours, and I can barely stay awake after it. I can't live like this.

[QUOTE=Giraffen93;45004086]Holy fuck what is going on seriously.. Just slept for about 11 hours, and I can barely stay awake after it. I can't live like this.[/QUOTE] I feel you. when depression started to hit for real back in middle school, I began oversleeping and feeling exhausted no matter how long I slept. I generally sleep for 12 hours before waking up without feeling any energy at all, and all I want is to go back to sleep since I'm so tired. of course I'm unable to go back to sleep though. right now I've been awake for 5-6 hours and I already want to hit the bed, but can't sleep. it's so annoying. I shouldn't have to sleep 12 hours, and still not feel refreshed. I should be able to sleep for around 8 hours and wake up refreshed. ughhh

Just a warning to my fellow posters because I care about you guys Avoid at all costs the drug quetiepine, also known as seroquel. I've been taking 150-200mg every night for two months now, and while it has effectivly stopped the voice I was hearing, it's also stripped my of my personality and enthusiasm about life. Every day I wake, and if im not having an anxiety attack, I'm feeling nothing at all. I've left my girlfriend of 9 months 4 times now this past month, for no other reason than me just leaving town. She cried and I felt nothing. I've been with friends and felt nothing. I've had wonderful thing happen in my life and felt nothing. Sex means nothing to me anymore. I am a zombie barely functioning though daily life. Please don't make my mistake, no lack of psychosis is worth this. It's not a cure, it's a suppression. It is impossible to feel the things that once triggered psychosis because its impossible to feel anything at all.

[QUOTE=Renim;44991557]Depression is really starting to kick in hard, I need someone to talk to this about and it's killing me. [Snipped the :( to prevent page stretch.][/QUOTE] This is some hella depression here, and something needs to be done about it. If your parents wish to restrict your ability to get counseling, it's because they don't even remotely understand what you're going through and disregard it as a result. This isn't about them, though. It's about you. You're experiencing thoughts of suicide. Right now you risk this depression, this chemical phenomenon, this [i]thing[/i], killing you. If you had cancer they'd probably be supportive as all hell and seek the best treatment as possible, because they want you to live. The problem is the amount of misinformation- and even the lack of information- about depression and other mental disorders. They don't know what kind of danger you're in. A counselor will understand though. If you're still in school, I would highly encourage you to seek out a school counselor and express what you're feeling, and inform them that you have experienced thoughts of suicide. They will be able to help. Just make sure that they know that your parents may stand between you and help, because they don't understand, and they need to. Additionally, if your father is worried about word of your home life getting out (I will not ask what they are, but I encourage you to balance whatever risks the may pose against you and your family if revealed), it may be encouraging for him to know that- therapists, at least, not sure about other counselors- are bound by a confidentiality agreement, that nothing you say to them in an appointment can be revealed to anyone else without making himself vulnerable to legal consequences, in addition to destroying their credibility as therapists. The only situation in which they CAN reveal anything you say is if they have good reason to believe that someone's being is at risk. If this is the case with your family life, then, well... Really, really, [i]really[/i] reconsider that promise not to tell anyone about your home life. [editline]5th June 2014[/editline] [QUOTE=Apollo;44996086]For months I've been grappling with my suicidal (ex? It ended on a question mark, and now she's dead, but I don't even want to consider being with anyone else) girlfriend, myself, and how much our relationship taught me about who and how I am as a person. Or, in other words, I've been brooding like an old hen. This is going to be a fairly long and whiny post, but it's not like I have anywhere else to put it. That's what we're here for, right? [More sadsnip][/QUOTE] To be frank, I have serious doubts about your opinion on your story. You are your own worst critic. Leonardo Da Vinci thought his paintings were complete crap, up until the moment he croaked, and now they're touted in the most prestigious art museums. I'm [b]not[/b] saying that your story is good, or that you're secretly Da Vinci, or even that your story is not, in fact, complete and utter crap. It might be. Just never trust yourself to provide a proper judgement of what you've written. Heck, to be honest, I'm actually fairly interested. I'm not saying I'd be surprised if you weren't comfortable letting a stranger read it- heck, I'd actually be super impressed, as that would imply you've reached a level of comfort and acceptance in regards to her, her memory, and your own role, that I would've thought to be [i]much farther[/i] down the line for one so affected as yourself. But I am interested. Keep that in mind if you ever feel comfortable enough to share it. Perhaps I should also emphasize- for the sake of honesty and openness- that I'm not so much interested in the beautiful, bittersweet story of your tragic romance, as I am interested into the stunningly clear window into your mind and soul the 50 pages of text could provide. Even this; [QUOTE=Apollo;44996086]Was I going to craft this story to be some indelible monument to her and how much she meant to me? Was I writing it because I hated her for doing what she did, and my only regret was that she was dead so I couldn't kill her myself? It was all over the place, tonally. She was beautiful in some passages, the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen, and oh how I loved her so, yet on the next page she was hideous inside and out, skin and bones and fangs. A truly ugly person. A witch, a vampire, now a ghost.[/quote] These few sentences, this here quote, is extremely telling. It speaks volumes of your conflicting feelings, how much you care; not just about her, but preserving her memory, and, perhaps most importantly, it tells us that you don't fully understand what you experienced with her, if at all. What I'm getting at, is that you may be having trouble righting this story because you never experienced a bittersweet, beautiful story. I can't hardly say what it is you experienced, but I encourage you, once the pain from the memories has faded that you can look back at it all objectively, free of emotional reactions so overpowering it sickens you, to look back and really try to figure how the whole relationship affected you, positively and negatively. I honestly think that, you find this writing so painful and horrendous for yourself because you're looking back at things you were perhaps never fully aware of. This act of trying to condense these misty, intangible feelings and memories of your experiences into solid, objective words is making you look back at your relationship- and her- from an outside perspective, and it's making you upset and uncomfortable because it paints such a different picture than what you remember- perhaps one less glorifying to her memory or of yourself. It's not a bad thing, though. If there's one thing I can say with absolute certainty, it's that looking at yourself honestly and trying to truly and fully understand your emotions, thoughts, and impulses, and how they affect your behavior, is a terrific way to becoming more comfortable and happy with yourself. When I was getting my ass kicked by anxiety after I dropped out of college, confused and upset not just with myself for dropping out, but with how things went with a girl I fancied, I would open up Microsoft Word, and try to throw down as many sentences as I could about how I felt and what I had gone through, before sending them to a close, longtime friend of mine and discussing it with him. I learned a shitload, about how I had really acted, about how it had impressed upon others in ways I was never aware of, about what a jerk I had been sometimes... I am beyond thankful to be able to say that I'm much more at peace with myself now, at peace with everyone else, than I have ever been before. I'm gonna cut this off before I start rambling about myself anymore, but I just want to say- writing more, let alone reading any of it over again, not even mentioning sharing it- will be painful and difficult. That is to be expected. You might learn things about yourself that you will- at first- wish you never knew. Down the line, however, I think it will help you find peace, with yourself, and with her.

Shit I'm seriously balding at age 18. I put gel in my hair for the first time since ever and you can clearly see the spots that are starting to wither. w/e I'll just become a skinhead. Skinheads are just a bunch of 20 year olds who struggle with early balding and blame the Jews for stealing all the hair or something idk

[QUOTE=JoeyZ;45009274]Just a warning to my fellow posters because I care about you guys Avoid at all costs the drug quetiepine, also known as seroquel. I've been taking 150-200mg every night for two months now, and while it has effectivly stopped the voice I was hearing, it's also stripped my of my personality and enthusiasm about life. Every day I wake, and if im not having an anxiety attack, I'm feeling nothing at all. I've left my girlfriend of 9 months 4 times now this past month, for no other reason than me just leaving town. She cried and I felt nothing. I've been with friends and felt nothing. I've had wonderful thing happen in my life and felt nothing. Sex means nothing to me anymore. I am a zombie barely functioning though daily life. Please don't make my mistake, no lack of psychosis is worth this. It's not a cure, it's a suppression. It is impossible to feel the things that once triggered psychosis because its impossible to feel anything at all.[/QUOTE] That sounds like absolute hell. Is there any other medication for your condition that's not so shit? Or is that the only one that works. [editline]6th June 2014[/editline] [QUOTE=Giraffen93;45004086]Holy fuck what is going on seriously.. Just slept for about 11 hours, and I can barely stay awake after it. I can't live like this.[/QUOTE] I got this pretty bad since christmas. I can't tell if it's because of the chronic fatigue, the depression that accompanied it or both. Most days I'll go to bed at 4/5am and wake up at 3pm though (my sleep schedule really got fucked up ever since the encephalitis). Admittedly, oversleeping is genuinely bad for your energy. You should be going to bed at the exact time every night and waking up at the exact time every day no matter what, and going for 8-9 hours of sleep, no more no less.

[QUOTE=Weirdness;45014820] I got this pretty bad since christmas. I can't tell if it's because of the chronic fatigue, the depression that accompanied it or both. Most days I'll go to bed at 4/5am and wake up at 3pm though (my sleep schedule really got fucked up ever since the encephalitis). Admittedly, oversleeping is genuinely bad for your energy. You should be going to bed at the exact time every night and waking up at the exact time every day no matter what, and going for 8-9 hours of sleep, no more no less.[/QUOTE] i do sleep a normal amount of time, and i wake up naturally gonna try to adjust my sleeping schedule a bit though

so my shrink and the team responsible for me signed me up for a psychiatric hospital nearby. I'll most likely be put there after summer, which I'm honestly not fond of. "luckily" for me, I have yet to agree with actually going there though. they keep saying I'm on the edge of forced hospitalization either way, so not sure if I'll have a say when the day comes. I decided to google that specific psych ward, and I'm not hearing a lot of good things. people have been introduced to drugs by addicts, staff has had sex with the inmates, etc. apparently there was a big case revolving the ward in 1970 about it, saying that it just made things worse for the inmates who were put there. that was 40 years ago though, so things may have changed. I'm really worried of going there. who will I be introduced with? drug addicts? people who suffer serious mental diseases? or will I find people like me who just suffer with severe depression and anxiety? any of you guys been put in a psych ward before? what were your experiences with it? would love to hear both good and bad things so I kinda know what to expect.

[QUOTE=Giraffen93;45014851]i do sleep a normal amount of time, and i wake up naturally gonna try to adjust my sleeping schedule a bit though[/QUOTE] Do a marathon reset if you can. I did that once and it set me right for a couple of months before I fell back into habit.

[QUOTE=Weirdness;45014867]Do a marathon reset if you can. I did that once and it set me right for a couple of months before I fell back into habit.[/QUOTE] that would be impossible, i can barely stay awake for a whole day now i almost doze off if i sit still [I]however[/I] there's something that's bothering me couple of months ago i was in japan on vacation for two weeks i didn't feel tired at all at any time, i could walk for miles and be alert maybe it's my job? i don't really overwork though

[QUOTE=PredGD;45014853]so my shrink and the team responsible for me signed me up for a psychiatric hospital nearby. I'll most likely be put there after summer, which I'm honestly not fond of. "luckily" for me, I have yet to agree with actually going there though. they keep saying I'm on the edge of forced hospitalization either way, so not sure if I'll have a say when the day comes. I decided to google that specific psych ward, and I'm not hearing a lot of good things. people have been introduced to drugs by addicts, staff has had sex with the inmates, etc. apparently there was a big case revolving the ward in 1970 about it, saying that it just made things worse for the inmates who were put there. that was 40 years ago though, so things may have changed. I'm really worried of going there. who will I be introduced with? drug addicts? people who suffer serious mental diseases? or will I find people like me who just suffer with severe depression and anxiety? any of you guys been put in a psych ward before? what were your experiences with it? would love to hear both good and bad things so I kinda know what to expect.[/QUOTE] To be honest, psych wards scare the shit out of me. I know they overhauled everything with deinstitutionalization so you don't stay permanently anymore which is good, but the fact that you're going to someplace that the general population considers rock bottom, I don't know, even if I was at my absolute worst I'd be afraid of going for fear of everyone labeling me a nutjob. But I guess that's the stigma associated with mental health since forever. The portrayal of them in media sure doesn't help encourage people to go to them when they need help the most. EDIT: To build on that. If you care about your mental health, I'd at least give it a shot. I'm sure its out of their power to stop you leaving if you feel it's not right for you, but I hope you get some support out of it.

[QUOTE=PredGD;45014853]so my shrink and the team responsible for me signed me up for a psychiatric hospital nearby. I'll most likely be put there after summer, which I'm honestly not fond of. "luckily" for me, I have yet to agree with actually going there though. they keep saying I'm on the edge of forced hospitalization either way, so not sure if I'll have a say when the day comes. I decided to google that specific psych ward, and I'm not hearing a lot of good things. people have been introduced to drugs by addicts, staff has had sex with the inmates, etc. apparently there was a big case revolving the ward in 1970 about it, saying that it just made things worse for the inmates who were put there. that was 40 years ago though, so things may have changed. I'm really worried of going there. who will I be introduced with? drug addicts? people who suffer serious mental diseases? or will I find people like me who just suffer with severe depression and anxiety? any of you guys been put in a psych ward before? what were your experiences with it? would love to hear both good and bad things so I kinda know what to expect.[/QUOTE] i don't know what psych wards in norway are like, that one doesn't sound great, reminiscent of state funded facilities for people with no insurance. i'm assuming you're a minor if you can be easily admitted 'against your will' like that. i don't feel like detailing my psych ward experiences on this forum but i added you on steam if you want any anecdotes on experiences in good wards, and shitty wards that mix low functioning patients together, and drug addiction in the wards (much experience here). no one is ever going to know you ended up in a psych ward unless you tell people or your parents tell people so don't worry about the stigma, if you need it you need it, get your head straight, get the right medication (if you're about that), and get on with your life.

[QUOTE=Giraffen93;45014878]that would be impossible, i can barely stay awake for a whole day now i almost doze off if i sit still[/QUOTE] That sounds worse off than me. Jesus. The only other thing I can think of is forcing yourself to exercise to build up your stamina. They use that as legitimate treatment for chronic fatigue/encephalomyelitis, for many reasons. But everyone already knows how good exercise is for you; it's the actually doing it when you feel like shit that stops people with constant fatigue and depression from going for it.

[QUOTE=Weirdness;45014939]That sounds worse off than me. Jesus. The only other thing I can think of is forcing yourself to exercise to build up your stamina. They use that as legitimate treatment for chronic fatigue/encephalomyelitis, for many reasons. But everyone already knows how good exercise is for you; it's the actually doing it when you feel like shit that stops people with constant fatigue and depression from going for it.[/QUOTE] yeah it might actually be the lack of exercise, added a tidbit there i don't have motivation to do it though, i can never "see into the future" or plan things if i won't see change immediately it just doesn't seem worth it

[QUOTE=Giraffen93;45014954]yeah it might actually be the lack of exercise, added a tidbit there i don't have motivation to do it though, i can never "see into the future" or plan things if i won't see change immediately it just doesn't seem worth it[/QUOTE] I'm practically the same. I spent about 3 solid months trying to improve my health by doing everything right, and I got very minor results in return; I still had extreme mood swings, extreme depression, constant brain fog, muscle pains in my neck, couldn't sleep at night etc. But you have to understand that a lot of treatments take months, and probably years before results show. It was hard for me to understand that, and I'm still angry that this happened in the first place, and that I'm looking at another 6 months before I get my life back on track so long as I continue being aggressive with my recovery. But that's life. Life isn't fair. We're walking flesh bags where a single thing goes wrong the whole body feels it, and you don't always figure out why it's happening (especially when it's something affecting your brain). You just gotta try your hardest to get back on top, and believe it'll get better.

Based on facts, having no friends has the same effect on life expectancy as smoking 15 cigarettes a day. I am secretly an active smoker without even smoking anything. Woop.

[QUOTE=Weirdness;45014820]That sounds like absolute hell. Is there any other medication for your condition that's not so shit? Or is that the only one that works.[/QUOTE] It's apparently one of the leading anti psychotics for schizophrenia, but I've had my diagnosis change from schizophrenia to psychotic/manic depression so I don't know if it's even the right pill. Regardless of psychosis, with my insomnia I've become dependent on them for sleep. I've tried stopping cold turkey to the tune of me staying awake all night slamming my head into the wall to try and knock myself out. I feel trapped honestly, if I had known any of this I wouldn't have started it.

Hey guys, I just want to say a few things about my depression/anxiety and also say that discussions like this are very good, and if you're sharing your problems with others there's still hope. Its when you don't say anything that you need to worry, and if you're reading this and you're at that point, say something to someone, to anyone, be it a stranger online or a professional psychologist or psychiatrist. Tell your regular family doctor even if you can, just tell someone. Now, I've been suffering from depression since I was 12; I'm going to be 29 in August. I also have severe anxiety issues, and most of my family is the same. I used to think there was no hope and that I was the only person in the world that felt this way, but I was wrong, and it took a lot of pain and suffering to realize this. So I'm here to say that from my experience, its better to be cynical and pessimistic about the world than to think everyone else is better off. We're all suffering with the same shit, and we're all going to naturally think its hopeless, but I'm proof that its not. You're going to have bad times, you're going to have dire times, you're going to have worse times. You'll hit rock bottom more than once, and even fall farther than you thought imaginable, but don't give up. Endure the pain; suffer well. Like I said before, tell somebody. You don't have to "talk" about it, just tell someone "Hey, I'm suicidal." or "Hey, I'm depressed." - you'll feel better, you'll feel acknowledged, and hopefully you'll see that things aren't as bad as you feel they are. I can and should take some of my own advice here, I'm in a rut at current. I'm inactive, I'm not working, I'm not even doing things I enjoyed once before. I've even had to add a new medication to the mix. I'm on eight different medications right now, and most of them are for depression and anxiety. But you know what? Its working. I'm alive. And hey, you're not alone if you're suicidal. I think about killing myself everyday. The truth about suicidal thoughts is that they never really go away, they'll always pop up in your mind from time to time, but you've just gotta say to yourself, "Nah, don't kill yourself." and it works. It sounds stupid, it sounds silly, but self talk is a big help. Self talk is the inner monologue that pops up when you need to work a situation out. It takes some doing, but eventually you'll be able to talk yourself out of all kinds of bad thoughts. It takes practice, don't give up on it. Giving up on other things however is alright. I've come to find that sometimes, you just have to take a sick day and say, "I'm just going to chill out today and do nothing." - this has gotten me out of some tough situations, and its also caused some tougher ones, but you don't want to stress yourself out. Turn it into a reward for good behavior. Do something positive for yourself, something simple, like going for a walk or something hard like going to a store when you're anxious and talking yourself through it. Then, when you have those anxious and scary feelings again, just take a break. That's probably one of the more important things I've learned, is that sometimes you just need a break from your thoughts. That doesn't mean kill yourself, it means give yourself a moment to breathe, a moment to reflect and understand yourself better. Reflection is also one of the most important things when dealing with depression and anxiety; the more you think about it, and the more you try to understand it, the more you will. That's all I have to say for now, if you read my post, please take everything into consideration. Tell someone how you feel, talk to yourself about it, and endure because life is worth living, even if the good doesn't outweigh the bad. Know that you're not alone, and that people are there to help you. And please, seek help from a professional if you're suicidal. You're worth more than you know.

[QUOTE=JoeyZ;45009274]Just a warning to my fellow posters because I care about you guys Avoid at all costs the drug quetiepine, also known as seroquel. I've been taking 150-200mg every night for two months now, and while it has effectivly stopped the voice I was hearing, it's also stripped my of my personality and enthusiasm about life. Every day I wake, and if im not having an anxiety attack, I'm feeling nothing at all. I've left my girlfriend of 9 months 4 times now this past month, for no other reason than me just leaving town. She cried and I felt nothing. I've been with friends and felt nothing. I've had wonderful thing happen in my life and felt nothing. Sex means nothing to me anymore. I am a zombie barely functioning though daily life. Please don't make my mistake, no lack of psychosis is worth this. It's not a cure, it's a suppression. It is impossible to feel the things that once triggered psychosis because its impossible to feel anything at all.[/QUOTE] yes i had a period when i was on just 50 mg of the stuff. complete sedation for at least 14 hours, after that, constantly woozy. i once took it only 6 hours before school to get some sleep at night, and failed my exams because i could barely speak or think, let alone get anything on paper. it works miracles for some. disastrous for others. im on a substitute (mirtazapine) atm

[QUOTE=KandyMan;45018849]Based on facts, having no friends has the same effect on life expectancy as smoking 15 cigarettes a day. I am secretly an active smoker without even smoking anything. Woop.[/QUOTE] woah hang on, says who most of the time the "evidence" of that kind of stuff are statistics of people who have deliberately harmed their own self directly because of loneliness. so long as you aren't going to drink yourself to death, being lonely isn't detrimental; if you're constantly woed and stressed about it, then yes, you're putting stress on yourself. being [I]lonely[/I] isn't directly related. it's how you handle it.

It's very important to differentiate between being alone and being lonely

I need an adult, real fucking bad. At least for a minute or two. I've been together with my fiancé for a good four years now and we've had our ups and downs, just like any other couple would. We've been through many fights and even one cheating episode. We've gone past that, we pulled through. We are a really tight team and we've always been. The fact that we've lived together for almost 3 years might be the reason this is so fucking devastating feel that I'm feeling. I have a fear, that we're drifting apart from eachother. I have to go to the army in about a month and that gig takes minimum 6 months and a year tops. We have talked about the fact that because we have lived together for so long, we have both really forgotten what it is like to live on your own, or in other words, be apart from one another. Don't be fooled to think that things are bad between us, because they aren't. We love eachother more than anything and the last thing we want is to break up. Though the thing is that after my 6 - 12 month long army period, my fiancé will start school in a whole different area, 250 kilometers away from our current position. Her studies will take 4 years and she will have to live on campus that time. So I would be seeing her on weekends and on holidays. We both have mixed feelings about the whole thing, but who wouldn't? I'm not saying that I fear she will start living the college life and fuck every guy on campus or any of that shit, I'm just worried about how the distance between us will affect us. Like really really worried. We have talked about it and we both agree that things [B]will[/B] be different. Either this whole thing will strenghten our relationship, because we both get some time for ourselves and learn to appreciate eachother even more, because when you see someone 24/7 all year round, you might start taking it for granted. On the other hand it can also tear the whole relationship apart, if we realize that we don't feel the same together anymore. Of course, staying together and staying positive is the thing we're aiming for, but fuck me, even the fact that there is a [B]chance[/B] that we might break up drives me up the wall. I know nothing has happened yet and this is mostly just speculation. We are still happily together, right this moment, but my mind takes me to places I don't want to be in and it makes me feel like shit. Mostly I think about the fact that if we break up, holy fuck will it be hard. Which is stupid, because we haven't broken up or might not even end up breaking up ever. My mind is just a mangled mess and I hate it. I've been thinking about talking to a psychiatrist, but I don't know, it's only been few days when we had this talk. This might just be the wakeup call to realize that things in life change, and sometimes there isn't much you can do about it. My anxiety levels are through the roof. Over some rational speculation. Someone please relate.

It's my birthday today, but all I can think about is how I'm another year older with nothing done, and lost so much progress since christmas. Doesn't help that my friend is ignoring me online. She's going through some pretty deep depression but I try and help her and play games together but she just flat out ignores me. I guess I should probably give her space, but honestly I'm wondering if I should even keep her on my friendslist.

Sitting on a mountain now, I feel sick because I fucked up. I put two bottles of Pepsi Max that spilled out in the frigde for no reason and my mom went with teeth first and told me what an idiot I am. I headed out in the forest and I nearly puked and started to think about shit I fucked up in the past and what a waste of space I am. I feel really bad and had stomach pains, headaches, intense sweating, heavy breating and more due to something so little. Fuck this, I'm tired of being the one that fucks shit up and then gets ripped apart because of it. I even caught myself with the though of suicide again which I though I finally had under somewhat control. Sorry for the vent but I'm really fucking sad now and all the bad memories of last years catastrophy came back to haunt me making me feel so worthless that I wouldn't really mind if I died at this point...

[QUOTE=Weirdness;45025389]Doesn't help that my friend is ignoring me online. She's going through some pretty deep depression but I try and help her and play games together but she just flat out ignores me. I guess I should probably give her space, but honestly I'm wondering if I should even keep her on my friendslist.[/QUOTE] Just keep her on there. I'm going through somewhat of a slump myself right now and I can't really find the motivation to talk to other people as much as I once did.

Had a mental breakdown earlier today because my "best friend" who I used to be in love with for ages (the first time I have ever fallen properly in love despite two previous relationships which were abusive in the end. He has helped me through my depression at the time as well as inspired me to consider really doing what I want to do considering art. If it wasn't for him after my previous break up, I think I may have attempted suicide.) is going out tonight, so much for "being ill" all the time after I keep asking him regularly if he wants to meet with me. I haven't seen him for about 9 months now. I love him in a brother/sister way now and he means the world to me, aside from my family and boyfriend (RayvenQ). More than half the time, I don't know why the fuck I even bother with most people who seem to not give a shit. Anyway, a video for you guys. I hope you enjoy and that it would help you. If not, then you're more than welcome to give me criticisim/comments as to what I could do better. Another video on my channel is the topic "I hate myself for my sexuality." I can never take care of my own depression, and yet I enjoy helping others and trying to inspire them when I can. [video=youtube;QkSRQ6Yv9Zo]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QkSRQ6Yv9Zo[/video] Feel free to inbox me requests, and I may do them in future fridays. x

hits pretty hard whenever I realize I actually have no friends. no job, no education, no nothing. I really have no purpose as I'm not contributing in any way. all I do is leech off of my mother and grandparents paycheck to pay for luxuries rather than something I actually need. what do you even do when you've hit the rock bottom and have no friends anymore? how do I get back into a social circle at this point when I have no one to join? it all feels incredibly hopeless. my days are so barebones it's not even funny. I have nothing to do, I'm constantly bored and all I want to do is to sleep. if I'm lucky, a good game will have taken my attention but that only lasts a day or two most of the time as I burn myself out by constantly playing it. it feels so bad. I'm rotting away indoors while everyone else out there are enjoying themselves. I want to be with people, I want to chat, or at least play games with others, but I can't. I can't bring myself to say hi to people in chat. it just feels too comfortable to isolate myself. no real worries, no concern that I hurt someone else, no one to take care of, no one to pay attention to, only me. it becomes so much more manageable, yet I despise it. I want to be with people, but the effort required is simply too much. I can barely take care of myself, no way I'll be able to properly take care of friends. I really want to just let it out and pour my emotions into this wall of text to relieve myself of these thoughts, but it doesn't work. it literally feels like I'm trying to pour water into a cup with a glass lid. I hate to say it and it feels weird, but logically speaking, why do I even bother going on? I don't have faith in the fact that my life can get better, it only feels like it'll stand still or go down the drain. it feels like I could relieve myself of so many things by not living anymore, but the fear of whats after death keeps me back.

[QUOTE=PredGD;45034927]hits pretty hard whenever I realize I actually have no friends. no job, no education, no nothing. I really have no purpose as I'm not contributing in any way. all I do is leech off of my mother and grandparents paycheck to pay for luxuries rather than something I actually need. what do you even do when you've hit the rock bottom and have no friends anymore? how do I get back into a social circle at this point when I have no one to join? it all feels incredibly hopeless. my days are so barebones it's not even funny. I have nothing to do, I'm constantly bored and all I want to do is to sleep. if I'm lucky, a good game will have taken my attention but that only lasts a day or two most of the time as I burn myself out by constantly playing it. it feels so bad. I'm rotting away indoors while everyone else out there are enjoying themselves. I want to be with people, I want to chat, or at least play games with others, but I can't. I can't bring myself to say hi to people in chat. it just feels too comfortable to isolate myself. no real worries, no concern that I hurt someone else, no one to take care of, no one to pay attention to, only me. it becomes so much more manageable, yet I despise it. I want to be with people, but the effort required is simply too much. I can barely take care of myself, no way I'll be able to properly take care of friends. I really want to just let it out and pour my emotions into this wall of text to relieve myself of these thoughts, but it doesn't work. it literally feels like I'm trying to pour water into a cup with a glass lid. I hate to say it and it feels weird, but logically speaking, why do I even bother going on? I don't have faith in the fact that my life can get better, it only feels like it'll stand still or go down the drain. it feels like I could relieve myself of so many things by not living anymore, but the fear of whats after death keeps me back.[/QUOTE] this is me exactly, i cant even find the energy to explain how i feel but these words about sum it up unlike you though i at least have some hope in my situation getting better, also i got a brother to socialize with, thank god

[QUOTE=PredGD;45034927]hits pretty hard whenever I realize I actually have no friends. no job, no education, no nothing. I really have no purpose as I'm not contributing in any way. all I do is leech off of my mother and grandparents paycheck to pay for luxuries rather than something I actually need. what do you even do when you've hit the rock bottom and have no friends anymore? how do I get back into a social circle at this point when I have no one to join? it all feels incredibly hopeless.[/QUOTE] If it feels like the barriers between what you are and what you want to be are so numerous that it seems impossible, just remember; It is only that, "numerous". Not impossible, not insurmountable, not unconquerable, simply, "numerous". Just about all folks will feel overwhelmed when tasked with so many obstacles to overcome, but they can be broken down into each, individual obstacle, and if handled one-at-a-time, they end up consuming far more time than they do effort. It's not unlike comparing the task of crushing several hundred-thousand pieces of popped popcorn one-by-one to the task of smushing a single, small, steel cube. You're going to be there for a while, but at least it's possible, unlike the cube smushing. If your end goal is to be the kind of person who goes outside and socializes, take it one step at a time. First, conquer your sedentary lifestyle, with little steps. Task yourself with going on a walk, once a day. It doesn't have to be far- the objective here is to get you to put on socks and shoes and break the routine of nothingness. Once that becomes a regular part of your routine, great! Perhaps next you could set the goal of making eye contact and saying "hello" to at least one person during every walk you go on, in order to "get your feet wet", so to speak, in regards to socialization. Trust me that this is important, because I have gotten a lot more socially capable since I took a job as a grocery bagger, with the objective to attempt to engage customers in line. This was actually a bigger leap than I'd recommend, and it was actually quite unpleasant for me at times, but the point is... It worked. Maybe next you'll want to make your objective to find a local club or a group with an interest you share. Videogames, art, movies, cards, Magic the Motherfuckin' Gathering, it doesn't matter what. The goal is to go out and attempt to be with a group of people sharing an interest. It should NOT be your first goal to [i]fit in[/i] and successfully integrate as a member of the group, just to find one and meet with them. Only once you've done that can you set the goal of finding one to fit into. All of these are examples, however. [b]You[/b] need to set these goals for yourself. I am no more to you than a randumb chump on the internet. I cannot, nor can you expect me or anyone else to coach you through this. It's up to you. Put on your socks and shoes, and step outside. Once a day. Then go from there.