Depression, anxiety, suicidalism and similar disorders, issues and troubles V3 - Discussion, help an - General

[QUOTE=Cushie;45114104]Moving out is a double edged sword, though, especially when you have issues. Yeah you don't have to worry about anyone being around so its easier to get comfortable with yourself, but its also easy to sink into a hole and get stuck there. I'm 22 and living a few hundred miles from home right in the middle of a city to work. If everyone in my flat is away and none of my friends down here organize to do anything, sometimes I waste away insane amounts of time and it all blurs together. Example the other week I was in the flat alone and I literally didn't step foot outside of my front door for 9 days straight, pretty much pissed all of that away sleeping, gaming and watching TV and didn't actually get anything productive done.[/QUOTE] yeah, I was thinking the same. the way I've thought it out in my head is that there are three possible scenarios: I get better, nothing changes or it gets even worse since I lose all social contact. I imagine things could get better since I would have to take care of myself. I would have a reason to go out (buying food and essentials) and I'd have more responsibility. right now everything is served to me on a silver plate. I don't make the food in the house, I don't have to go out to buy stuff, etc. it makes me feel much less alive since I don't do anything. then there's the chance it backfires. either nothing changes or I get worse. my anxiety could be so bad that I wouldn't be able to go out and buy food, or I simply wouldn't have the energy to do anything like now.

[QUOTE=PredGD;45114170]yeah, I was thinking the same. the way I've thought it out in my head is that there are three possible scenarios: I get better, nothing changes or it gets even worse since I lose all social contact. I imagine things could get better since I would have to take care of myself. I would have a reason to go out (buying food and essentials) and I'd have more responsibility. right now everything is served to me on a silver plate. I don't make the food in the house, I don't have to go out to buy stuff, etc. it makes me feel much less alive since I don't do anything. then there's the chance it backfires. either nothing changes or I get worse. my anxiety could be so bad that I wouldn't be able to go out and buy food, or I simply wouldn't have the energy to do anything like now.[/QUOTE] Well it pretty much is decided by how much willpower you have to get productive things done when you are alone. Making new friends is easy, meeting them is the hard part. Do you have house shares or something equivalent there? Like where you move into a bedroom in a house which is shared with other people, almost always cheaper than getting your own place. They can be great because if you meet everyone living there before hand and make sure that people in the house are friends / want to do things together then you are basically making friends for free while still getting your own private space that people generally wont invade like they do at home.

[QUOTE=Cushie;45114279]Well it pretty much is decided by how much willpower you have to get productive things done when you are alone. Making new friends is easy, meeting them is the hard part. Do you have house shares or something equivalent there? Like where you move into a bedroom in a house which is shared with other people, almost always cheaper than getting your own place. They can be great because if you meet everyone living there before hand and make sure that people in the house are friends / want to do things together then you are basically making friends for free while still getting your own private space that people generally wont invade like they do at home.[/QUOTE] I'm not sure, but I wouldn't doubt it. I imagine it'd definitely help to put my self in a social environment like that, but at the same time it's not very tempting. what I think would be ideal would be a place entirely on my own, but when thinking of that idea I'm not sure if it's the anxiety speaking or not. ughh, I'm not sure. I'll definitely have to mention this to my psychologist so I could hear her input

Yeah, i thougth i would change and actually be productive when i would move out to study. Guess i were wrong :v:. It's more about willpower to do things, like Cushie said it's easier to do it with someone because they will kind of push you to do it, but in a good way. It's easy to think (or not sometimes) "Yeah, I'll move out and actually change myself", but it changes when you actually move it to "I'll do it tommorow", repeating that every day.

[QUOTE=elevate;45108865]was it actually good looking hair or did you just THINK it looked good i dont trust myself to make decisions on how i look, i always ask others what they think[/QUOTE] My friends and people who worked with my said it was goog, but I wouldn't care what they think anyway because I was happy with it.

The thing with procrastinating and blaming your situation for not being the most ideal to get things done can be a [I]horrible[/I] habit to develop; it is understandable you want privacy, but you can't let it hinder things. If you let it go on too long... and finally set yourself in a 'comfortable' environment, you may come to terms with that you were only persuading yourself you had a reasonable excuse to not do anything - and now that obstacles have been cut, you may still find yourself putting it off or having lack of motivation since, hey, what's stopping you? You got time now. How are you going to handle all that free time? The way you usually did, right? I know this all too well what with having terrible ocd; I still can't come to terms with it and I still blame it for my lack of getting things done. It's [I]very[/I] bothersome. Try your best to be productive; easier said than done, but you gotta put in some effort. Good luck to you guys

[QUOTE=LNKFAN;45114782]The thing with procrastinating and blaming your situation for not being the most ideal to get things done can be a [I]horrible[/I] habit to develop; it is understandable you want privacy, but you can't let it hinder things. If you let it go on too long... and finally set yourself in a 'comfortable' environment, you may come to terms with that you were only persuading yourself you had a reasonable excuse to not do anything - and now that obstacles have been cut, you may still find yourself putting it off or having lack of motivation since, hey, what's stopping you? You got time now. How are you going to handle all that free time? The way you usually did, right? I know this all too well what with having terrible ocd; I still can't come to terms with it and I still blame it for my lack of getting things done. It's [I]very[/I] bothersome. Try your best to be productive; easier said than done, but you gotta put in some effort. Good luck to you guys[/QUOTE] that's a well known situation, and I have to agree. for all I know nothing could change. it's fairly typical from what I'm seeing. "oh I'm going to fix my life tomorrow" and the next day "nah, screw it". I should probably try to work from what I already have instead, but it's easy to lose motivation when you have no real end goal. I just want to get better, and it really is hard to reach such a broad goal without setting up specific goals to reach. ugh, that has to be the thing I hate the most about all this. I don't fully understand the situation. to make it even worse, generally no one but me can give the most helpful advice either as obviously I know myself the best. what does one do when they have such a basic understanding of their situation? I should probably write down everything I think could help to a document or something. try to figure out what I want in life. do I want to be a very social person? do I prefer to be alone? I like to consider myself a person who wishes to be social but lacks the skills.

My advice... to Pred, try something new. Don't worry about impressing others; there will be no satisfaction in the end especially if you're appealing to a crowd you don't even belong to. That doesn't mean you should not try, but ride your own wave y'know? I haven't been active in this thread so your situation is very vague. and as a general rule... remember not to fear too much... lest you become what you hate, or hate what you become.

Sorry for venting again but this weekend have been a mess and I'm suprised the family is still living in the same house at the same point. Summer is ruined and my dad and mum have probably (after all these years) come to the conclusion that a 3rd part have to e involved if they are supposed to get anyway. It will probably result in a family break and there will probably a divorce because our family is a huge mess after my grandparents died. My brother was kinda upset and nearly went as far as calling medical/mental help for my mum which got me worried because I believe they wrote it in my journal that I was going to a psychiatrist due to me being blinded with no love and the first time I was about to take my life. Saved myself in the minute and never told the psychiatrist about the suicide episode so it might not be in my journal but I was scared shitless that they would examine all of us and in the state I'm in now they would probably not even think twice to throw me into a mentalhospital if they see the way I behave. But now there is nothing left of what we call family, just relations between each other. It's sad, I could prevent this if I just either did go through with suicide or didn't hide the fact that I was broken beyond fixing last year, now I'm probably falling back into that hole where I managed to crawl out off with little notice. Fuck summer, fuck everything, there is nothing left to live for except music... Sorry for all the grammar mistakes, I've not slept properly in a week, and I haven't slept good in around a year because this and other "memories" are hanging around me making me worried and paranoid something is going to happen.

Is it technically depression if it isn't clinical? Or is that just being sad? I've always kind of wondered

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[QUOTE=carcarcargo;45119016]Is it technically depression if it isn't clinical? Or is that just being sad? I've always kind of wondered[/QUOTE] I wouldn't say being depressed and sad is the same thing. depression is more the feeling of nothing at all, while being sad makes you, well, sad. being sad is usually a side effect of the depression though.

[QUOTE=Roll_Program;45119045]If you're talking about when people say they're "depressed" because their cat just died or something then they're still using the right term, it's literally a fancy way of saying sad. If you posted in here that you're depressed, people will assume you mean clinical depression, it's all about context. Just easier than typing [I]clinical [/I]depression every time.[/QUOTE] Fair enough, I was always careful about how I used the term depression the past so as not to confuse people about clinical depression. That clears it up

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The boss caught me crying again. I still demand it's none of his business because we both know my problems should be left at the door. I can't tell anyone my problems because they just feel sorry even though I've brought it all on myself.

sometimes I just want to sit down and think of how horrible life is. how I have no friends and no real interests, nor skill. just want to cry and feel bad for myself. it sounds so cynical and I'm not sure why I feel this way, but it does feel good to cry my feelings out every now and then. to give up for a brief moment to release the pressure that builds up by the constant frustration of how life is. I've always considered myself a very open minded person, but lately I've become very locked to my own mind. I don't talk much about it, which could be why I'm having such a spree of posting in this thread. need to let it out somewhere. wish it wasn't like that though. I used to be more open about my situation, which made it easier to talk to my shrink and mother about it all. to give them an insight into my own thoughts so we could come up with a plan that suits me the most. now I just become blank when my shrink is here and I'm never sure what to talk about. maybe I should show her all of my posts in this thread? I'm much more open here than compared to "in the moment" since I'm generally not very thoughtful about "life" when we have our sessions. sounds like a good idea and a bad idea. can't come up with why it would be a bad idea, but it feels like it. perhaps it's the feeling of losing anonymity on the internet? no clue really. [editline]17th June 2014[/editline] I've been thinking a lot of my life being like a movie. that I am the depressed protagonist in my movie, who will eventually get a better life. something happens, I meet someone, drama occurs, but ultimately my life gets better and it ends with a happy ending. then I think, does the ending have to be happy? not sure how to word myself, but everything feels so fixed and not dynamic. like I've already been assigned a role which I'm forced to play out. who knows, there's a chance I'm not even the protagonist in my own "movie". all I'm really waiting for at this point is the end, which could be bad or good. surely I'm able to affect the outcome, but it sure as hell doesn't feel like it. feel like I've been ranting a lot and posting my thoughts so much lately, perhaps a little too much. I know for sure I dislike people who only whine about their situation with no set plan, and I like to think I'm not whining, but I'm not really the one to judge that. hopefully I'm not posting too much ranting no one really wants to read.

officially diagnosed with major depression as of today, however i just seeing a psychologist, really nice woman, definitely knows what shes talking about, she gave me a few tips on things i should be doing to help myself get better keep a decent sleep schedule, stay up during the day, sleep during the night. body is most used to light, yada yada etc. start some light exercise, build up endorphins. this is cliche but think positive thoughts about yourself and the things you're grateful for. i got a bit im grateful for, supportive family, the ability to actually afford to get help, etc. if you got any meds you're supposed to be taking regularly, do take them regularly or youll get all out of whack

Just wondering if anyone on here could help me out, I've been sitting on this for 3 years or so and it would be really good if someone could help me figure out if I'm depressed or not. I'm quite sure I am, (that sounds stupid, how could I not know right?) for 3 years now there been something in the background, that until the start of my first summer before university I couldn't describe. its a year later now and a lot of shit has happened, most of which i feel has been controlled my what I can only describe as extreme but practically unnoticeable (until I think back a week or so) mood swings. Not regular mood swings you have when your a tween, where you can think back and realize it wasn't you, these feel really different and to be honest I still cant fully describe them. Ill try, so and average day: Ill wake up and feel exactly as I did the night before, no matter what my mood. Ill start doing stuff and time will fucking FLY I vaguely remember what I've done and I wont forget what I'm doing, but time just...goes? now, affter the bulk of what im doing is done, certain things tend to happen. .Ill look back and feel nothing/empty .My mood may have changed at some point and I cant tell when Like the day before yesterday, I remember feeling insanely happy, for no reason and looking back now, I know that that's me, I'm a happy person, I am who I was a few days ago and that was who I was all the time 3/4 years ago. Some things I think might be important I think a member of my family was bi-polar (but I never get extremely angry so i done thing that's whats wrong) Whilst in university I ended a 5 year relationship in which (looking back) I realize I was manipulated and was incredibly unhappy in. Ending this relation ship brought on a high which lasted a good few weeks, not a rush, but more just the happiness I used to have returning. Since then the feeling has lessened and I feel like I'm 3/4 of the way to falling back under, to where I was this time last year. My parents live a rather reclusive lifestyle, theres not a lot of places I can go that are close, not anywhere I know anyone. Besides that I only have 2 friends left back home after me and my ex broke up for the first time (a year before uni) and everyone got involved, it was pretty horrendous for me. I have uni friends who I can talk to, they are the first friends I've ever had that I would trust with anything remotely serious, but I don't want to tell them and have them be scared off and never come back (I understand that a bad attitude to have). Some stuff you might need to know? I'm a guy I'm almost 19 I've never seen a professional or talked to anyone about this. If anyone feels like they can help me that would be amazing and I don't know how I'd ever thank you, but I'd try to find a way. [editline]17th June 2014[/editline] [QUOTE=PredGD;45125814]sometimes I just want to sit down and think of how horrible life is. how I have no friends and no real interests, nor skill. just want to cry and feel bad for myself. it sounds so cynical and I'm not sure why I feel this way, but it does feel good to cry my feelings out every now and then. to give up for a brief moment to release the pressure that builds up by the constant frustration of how life is. I've always considered myself a very open minded person, but lately I've become very locked to my own mind. I don't talk much about it, which could be why I'm having such a spree of posting in this thread. need to let it out somewhere. wish it wasn't like that though. I used to be more open about my situation, which made it easier to talk to my shrink and mother about it all. to give them an insight into my own thoughts so we could come up with a plan that suits me the most. now I just become blank when my shrink is here and I'm never sure what to talk about. maybe I should show her all of my posts in this thread? I'm much more open here than compared to "in the moment" since I'm generally not very thoughtful about "life" when we have our sessions. sounds like a good idea and a bad idea. can't come up with why it would be a bad idea, but it feels like it. perhaps it's the feeling of losing anonymity on the internet? no clue really. [editline]17th June 2014[/editline] I've been thinking a lot of my life being like a movie. that I am the depressed protagonist in my movie, who will eventually get a better life. something happens, I meet someone, drama occurs, but ultimately my life gets better and it ends with a happy ending. then I think, does the ending have to be happy? not sure how to word myself, but everything feels so fixed and not dynamic. like I've already been assigned a role which I'm forced to play out. who knows, there's a chance I'm not even the protagonist in my own "movie". all I'm really waiting for at this point is the end, which could be bad or good. surely I'm able to affect the outcome, but it sure as hell doesn't feel like it. feel like I've been ranting a lot and posting my thoughts so much lately, perhaps a little too much. I know for sure I dislike people who only whine about their situation with no set plan, and I like to think I'm not whining, but I'm not really the one to judge that. hopefully I'm not posting too much ranting no one really wants to read.[/QUOTE] Have you ever read/seen the film Submarine. Its based on the authors experiences as a teenager (I don't know how old you are) I don't know, what your describing sounds very similar to the author's character in it, maybe give it a read/watch?

Bipolar doesn't mean you have to angry, but you are experiencing mood swings that can ruin a day. I've never told anyone I know personally about this either but I was sent to a psychiatrist because of a love dilemma where I was manipulated by someone because (of what I think) she wanted better contact with the girl I fell in love with, and then I was tossed and told I needed to be a better person. My mood is extremely varied and only a slight problem can make my day completly unusable. Either I feel horrible or nothing at all, it all depends on the little social output I get through the day and most of the time my short time memory is horrible because of this. I'm also a 18 year old guy, and because of that you have no real excuse for having mood swings which is why people thought I was mentally insane when I was down the dumps last year. My problem comes from that everyone blames me for what I did, because I did the thing that was wrong and that might be the problem when the breakup happened to you. It's hard when there is no professional help involved because it's what you feel that matters. Edit - More venting but now I probably got the last message from a girl I met and tried to help on Blahtherapy, from the Mail it's most likely took her own life. Fucking heartbroken now, I couldn't even save her... This day have been absolutely horrible, I wish I just could crawl back into my bed and die in peace...

I figured it's about time I say something since I've been keeping my worries bottled up for ages now. It's all kind of come to a head now that something particularly bad has been happening in my life and I really don't want these emotions to bubble in me any longer. It's not easy. I pretty much have zero self-confidence and motivation and it's been really eating at me. I'm constantly worried about my future (And it doesn't help I just found out today that I just lost a chance for an apprenticeship because of somebody else's fuckup.) and I just feel like I've wasted my life and anything else I'm destined to do will be a failure. I'm not sure how much I should say, but I just want to atleast make a start on it. Hopefully it'll make me feel better.

I can't really find a sentence to start this post. I guess that one has to do. I've been depressed for at least 2 years. I got so used to feeling that way that i didn't even notice anymore. 2 months ago i started to take more notice of who i am and i tried to start enjoying life again. Things really started to change and for the first time i felt like i was starting to snap out of it and enjoy life more. But today i just fell back into that pit that i just crawled out of. I talked to an old friend of mine and he talked about an old picture of me and this gal. That got me feeling really down again and it's my own fault. I guess a little back story is needed here: I was close friends with her and we hung out a lot. We started getting closer and i fell in love with her, and to this day i still believe she has/had feelings for me as well. on (i think) the last friday of april i told her how i felt after we had been to a karaoke where we both had a great time. I walked her home, but her older brother joined us there and i just felt like i hit a dead end for my plan. I couldn't really get rid of him so i decided to text her a bit later. Stupid idea, i know. I just felt so let down that i missed my shot. She kindly rejected me and that's something i had kept in the back of my head. I had some weed with me and i didn't have a sober moment till monday morning. I forced myself not to think about it and this wen't on during my sober moments as well during the week. I didn't wan't to think about it, but forget it instead. That didn't really work out to great as i now keep feeling broken whenever i even hear my name. That conversation with my old friend today felt like the last drop after i noticed some facebook feed from her. I dated some girls before and had some (impossible) crushes before, but never have i felt so close to anyone as her. I know i need to get her out of my head, but i can't. It's killing me. I'm so sick of all this bullshit. I don't even have time for a break down as it's my last few days till graduation and there's so much shit left to do. I can't talk to anybody about this and i feel so broken.

[QUOTE=Mr cake fingers;45126674] Have you ever read/seen the film Submarine. Its based on the authors experiences as a teenager (I don't know how old you are) I don't know, what your describing sounds very similar to the author's character in it, maybe give it a read/watch?[/QUOTE] never heard of, but I'll definitely take a closer look! ughh. the time is 6AM. I can't sleep and it looks like I'm falling back to sleeping during the day and being awake during the night. on top of that, for whatever reason I thought it was a good idea to log back into my dropbox again. I haven't touched my dropbox in over a year (maybe a few peaks here and there) and thats because of automatic camera uploads. figured I'd take a look, and of course it contains so many pictures and videos of me and my ex. surprisingly it felt kinda okay to look at them. brought back good memories. the aftermath when I'm done watching and I'm starting to see a pattern develop, not as fun. I could see just by looking at the pictures that a pattern started to develop on my side two months before she broke up. I didn't trust her that she had 10% battery so she couldn't talk to me, I was logged into her facebook, twitter and mail account, I had installed not only a tracking app, but also one to monitor messages. god I was such an asshole. I can't even imagine why I thought it was a remotely good idea to do that crap a year ago. in some of our pictures back in 2012 I can clearly see I was much slimmer than now. I did gain 20KG from 2012 and to now (70kg to 90kg) so that's kind of given. makes me so ashamed of myself. I feel like such an idiot. it has been over a year now since our break up, and I'm still as heart broken as the day after she broke up. always told myself that it's because no one could fill the void she left, but is that really true or is it an excuse to cover up how pathetic I really am over this? I don't even know what to do anymore. all I want now is to be with her, but I can already say that it'll never happen. I understand her though. I did do some incredibly nasty things when it comes to her privacy. it's terrible to think back at. the regret. that I drove her away. how terrible our relationship ended up being as a result from my actions. I'm at a loss at this point. the girl I've had some contact with (barely) shows interest in getting to know me, but making either of us comfortable is very hard. I just want to lay down and die right now. what the hell do I do? I have to make stuff more digestible, do tiny steps, but I'm losing patience. nothing has been happening for over a year. I need to get better right now, not a bunch of bullshit tiny steps that I'll have to do for ages until I finally get better. I really don't know what to do anymore...

For the past few years, I've been trying to be a better person. It turned out that I indeed am a better person nowadays. The thing is, I've become all I never wanted to be: a man filled with fake happiness. This all began when I thought that many brief moments of pleasure would be better than having something certain in life. I sacrificed a two-year relationship with my ex-girlfriend just to have sex with some random teenage girls I met on the internet. I moved to another state to live with some friends while I was on college but it turned out that none of them came along, and now I'm alone in the city. Oh, I also quit college because I couldn't handle the feeling of being completely alone. Those are just some of the bad things that happened. I brought all this upon myself, and I blame no one. The decisions I've made changed my life completely, but I don't regret any of them. They gave me experience, and any tiny bit of experience counts for me. What I want to say with all this, guys, is that you should never let go of your principles when making important decisions. Try to have a comfortable life without hurting anybody, respecting the will of others while believing in your own. I have screwed up badly and I'm still recovering. I just hope that this message helps people to understand that, even if you don't realize, everything bad you do might come back to you at some time.

I never felt so much better as I am feeling this month. Even though I got rejected by a girl a about few weeks back...haha. I don't know what changed though. May be the remnants of past which clung to me to no avail washed away with that rejection. I feel so much free now. It's like the proverbial mountain of misery without any reason moved away from my chest saying that "Bastard, you don't need me anymore ! Farewell.". Just like how it suffocated me without any reason. Will write here once I understand more. But one thing that I have been doing a lot now is reading books. But I think my 4 years of depression ends here. I guess good times now :)

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i'd figure i'm finally let this out instead of bottling it up i just outright stopped going to community college for like 2 months straight because my medicine made me feel numb and apathetic towards my responsibilities. whenever my mom asked me how my day at college went i just said 'it went alright'. i've never lied to my mother in years until then and i feel terrible for it. when i finally couldn't take being dishonest with myself i told her that i had an massively negative reaction to my medicine and she understood clearly. i felt so relieved after telling her and she was glad that i told her that i needed to make some adjustments to my prescription instead of rotting at home all day. i've been able to pursue my creative projects with more interest and i'm steadily paying back the money i owe to the college because of the fact i simply disappeared. once that payment is done (which it will be in july) i can happily continue my education. i just wish i made the time to adjust my medicine before i just stopped going to school

So this is pretty funny, been posting in the other thread all excited and optimistic and bollocks like that, all it took was one email and I end up crawling back here feeling like ass, gotta love life...

what's the point of living when you know nothing will get better? I've always lived and struggled ever since I was a child. life was cruel to me and still is. I grew up from a shitty abused kid to a lonely adult. I feel so empty on the inside. This isn't humanity this is a husk full of sadness...

[QUOTE=fudge blood;45141877]what's the point of living when you know nothing will get better? I've always lived and struggled ever since I was a child. life was cruel to me and still is. I grew up from a shitty abused kid to a lonely adult. I feel so empty on the inside. This isn't humanity this is a husk full of sadness...[/QUOTE] Look forward to this minute speck of existence in the infinite void of oblivion. I have gone through 4 years...and things just got better. I just learned to live in solitude even though I have good number of trusted friends but I don't yearn for them. I find that the less you expect from others, the more you become content with life. Do good but don't expect in return the same favor. Appreciate people for good qualities. Appreciate the nature, savor the little things you notice. May be watch Amelie once to see which little things I am talking about. Suggest you to start reading books. I just simply love reading books now. Do something you can really love. Apart from that it's fun to find new music and learning guitar. It will be funny if I say that Dark Souls defined me who I am now :) And then there is this thread where you can pour your thoughts. [IMG]http://i.imgur.com/Of5AW0g.jpg[/IMG]

Got in an argument today with some facepunchers that had a bitter aftertaste. I was voicing my opinion on the quality of steam and somehow it pissed a lot of people off to the point where it was acceptable to say "I can see why everyone hates you". Honestly I just want to flame back sometimes but that obviously just gives them another reason to go apeshit over me.