Depression, anxiety, suicidalism and similar disorders, issues and troubles V3 - Discussion, help an - General

[QUOTE=PredGD;45284144]I agree, but its been so long since I last saw any of them, and I kinda just disappeared without a word when my depression got worse. not sure how I'm supposed to open up and say hello after going from lots of talking to disappearing out of nowhere. I liked a picture that girl I mentioned posted, so maybe she'll pay attention to that? pretty poor excuse to not say hi to be honest, ugh. it's always the same when it comes to this kind of stuff. "I'm not ready yet, I need to do this and this before doing that and that", and repeat. such an evil circle.[/QUOTE] I don't know how good friends you all are, but perhaps consider telling them about your problem? Talking about stuff with others always helped me before. If you'd rather prefer to keep it for yourself, you can always make up another excuse like being busy with work or studies - but again, is this what you want? I guess you can't really prepare a topic for discussion with people you haven't seen in a while as you probably don't know/forgot what they're into. Their interests could have changed a lot since you've last met them. What I'd probably do is have some generic but current, generally frequented topic of discussion prepared (over here we talk about sports and sport competitions a lot, imagine how I feel to talk about something I have little interest in). If all fails, just lurk and listen to what they have to say and occasionally drop a comment until you get onto their tune. Edit: If you want to go out with them, I'd recommend you to ask for it yourself. Although it's possible to try and rely on her noticing your like, there's a chance she'll just dismiss the notification and won't even pay attention on who was it from. Getting out of my comfort zone usually helps me feel more accomplished.

My dad is getting angry that I'm not taking my medication regularly. Ironic considering my shrink said I had daddy issues or some shit (but then again she was really bad because she was in fucking training lmao)

I've cleaned up an old song that I made back in 2009 to finally put up on the internet. All I can think of is how carefree I was back then. How much more motivated I was. It's the small insignificant things that make me fucking break and wish it were 5 years ago again. The burden of truth of how shit everything is around me is slowly chipping away at me, and I swear to god it's going to tip me over the edge one day. Oh, and I realized I can't release the source file/module for the song because it uses some old compatibility settings that don't play properly on different trackers. And work was shit. Though I should be lucky I still have work with how many day's I skip feeling sick and depressed. Tbh, despite how quick I was to leave New Zealand and what little friends I had and my life up till that point, I wish I could go back and just fade into obscurity. There's very little that seems worth it going forward. Sorry for bitching.

I've been having breakdowns daily the past month and I'm actually thinking of suicide

[QUOTE=Daniel Smith;45289874]I've been having breakdowns daily the past month and I'm actually thinking of suicide[/QUOTE] Life has ups and downs. Sometimes longer bouts of lows. But then you hit the lowest of lows and after that it goes spiraling up. Accept the challenge.

I feel really terrible today for some reason, I got over of the worst depression of my life some years ago and I haven't felt this bad ever since, the worst part is that I don't know why this is happening, I just feel so empty.

[QUOTE=Daniel Smith;45289874]I've been having breakdowns daily the past month and I'm actually thinking of suicide[/QUOTE] I think you just need to take a quick break from FP tbh. I'm not saying leave FP forever I'm just saying it sounds like you have other shit to deal with and FP isn't helping. [editline]4th July 2014[/editline] [QUOTE=Leg of Doom;45278187]Sometimes I feel like a shit especially for posting in here.[/QUOTE] Well it's what the thread is for really. I felt that way too after some people were anal about me but it's like "you don't have to look at my posts"

I'm having a really really bad time. Depression is striking back and i can't get motivated to study for my exams.

Anyone else get restless sitting when they're severely depressed? Maybe it's just me.

I've had a pretty cruddy week this week. Mother was put back into the hospital for the 3rd time this year, the first she almost died in the ICU and spent 3 months trying to rehabilitate, and now may have permanent nerve damage in her leg because of it. This time it's for pneumonia, and it was lucky that she caught it early, or else she could have ended up on the vent again. So this week I have been home alone, which I really hate because i hate feeling lonely and my cat isn't the same kind of company I desire. So with yesterday being the 4th, I went to our local park with my younger cousin and his girlfriend and parents to see the fireworks. It was nice to be in a social environment, but I couldn't help feeling a little envious of my cousin because I know what that feels like to have someone like he has and I miss it. I need to get a job to make some money so I can try a dream of mine, but to be honest getting a job freaks me out and my dream evolves me moving to another country. I wouldn't be alone because I have family there that said I could always stay, which is very helpful, but my dream has a higher percentage of failure than I would like, and I i did fail, I'd be stuck and more depressed. Maybe when school starts back I won't feels o worthless, but until then, I feel stuck.

I don't know how to start this post, but screw it anyways. I've had depression for about 4 years now, and it's taken a huge toll into my life. During school, I would always make stupid, unfunny jokes that made me a bad impression infront of either teachers or classmates alike. I also was the weird kid that would do weird noises or facial expressions, I was not the brightest kid then... That was on fifth - sixth grade by the way. However, in seventh grade things only became worse. I was still doing these facial expressions, still doing the unfunny jokes, and being a silent creep like always. This ended up in getting myself bullied by my classmates as well as getting hated by nearly the entire class. I didn't even know how to socialize properly, and if I were to do so, my classmates would tell me to "fuck off"; which is one of the reasons I got anxiety, insonias and overall depression, AND I am still haunted by all that to this day as my classmates would remind me of all those stupid antics from back then... ...at some point I felt like putting an end to my pathetic life, as if nothing would ever change but I kept thinking "Why?" or "How will I kill myself?", but in the end I just decided "fuck it" and go on about my life, as killing myself would make things even worse for my relatives. Then eighth grade started. This time, I tried not to be the snarky cunt like before, but I couldn't resist the temptation. Ending up in that same cicle of anxiety, insonia and depression, and even one time at PE, we were doing hurdles. When it was my turn, I didn't jump high enough, ending up in me falling and the entire class laughing at me. This ended up in myself getting a mental breakdown, and I slammed my head on the wall for some reason, in which I still try to know why. Is it that people don't understand me? Heck, even I don't understand myself, so why bother? At some point during that year, I tried to change my behaviour, by actually trying to talk to my classmates, but I would always recieve that stare like if they didn't even knew who I am, and that discouraged me completely. I don't even know what to do, and I need help. I want to change and convince my classmates that I am not the guy they thought I were. Thanks. Jesus, that came out to be a long post overall.

[QUOTE=CheezMan;45299728]:words:[/QUOTE] Unfortunately once people start seeing you that way it's hard to break that reputation, though not impossible. All through school I was the weird kid who talked to himself, had barely any friends, walked around school alone and would do anything for attention and friends. I was stuck with people seeing me as a weirdo. I remember my English teacher I had for the first 2 years of school; during my first 2 years I was impossible to deal with. Constantly back talking, not paying attention, doing stupid shit to feel important and whatnot. When it came to my last year at school, I ended up having her again as an English teacher. The moment I first stepped into her class I could audibly hear her sigh at her getting ready to deal with my shit once again. At this point though, I had gotten sick of being everyone's goto for hilarious fun and abuse. I participated in the class, actually answered questions, paid attention and did the work. She was blown away. But what surprised me was that she was the only teacher who understood that I didn't want to be a fuckup anymore. She helped me with my final year, gave me support and when I was feeling low, gave me some space and time to catch up. She was the only teacher to give me that chance; every other teacher that I had dealt with at that school only saw me as "crazy old weirdness" during my final year. Hell, when I got a second chance at passing Maths, my old Maths teacher legitimately came up to me, stared me down, and said "this is your last chance, you better not fuck up, because I'll be watching", with a condescending smile on his face. Honestly, you can only hope that as you stick to your guns about not being the school joke, and as your classmates and friends mature, they'll realize you don't want to be that person anymore. If you think it wont happen, then you'd be surprised. My final year, despite by all my expectations to be yet another shitfest with people thinking I was still a freak, ended with people maturing quite a bit (excluding my social circle of "friends", that's a whole 'nother story). People who I'd know for years at school and had acted as a complete idiot around weren't afraid to approach me anymore. I talked about school subjects, had some friendly discussion. Hell, on the last day of school in English, we got to pick a movie to watch, and I suggested Space Balls, and people unanimously agreed with my suggestion despite having never seen the damn thing in their live (the next hour and a half was a rollercoaster of hit-and-miss jokes with golden nuggets of hilarity inbetween which made it all worth it). It was weird. I guess the moral of the story is, you just have to stick to your guns if you want people to see that you've changed. You can't force yourself upon them and suddenly try and be social. Rather, you just simply have to stick with it, and wait for people to realize that you're not acting so weird, and hope they approach you once you become more approachable. Social people always seem to be inexplicably interested in walking over to the quiet kid to see why he's so quiet. As stupid as it sounds, all you can hope is that it happens to you too. Sorry in advance for the wall of text which may or may not help. :v: [editline]6th July 2014[/editline] I should've put that warning at the start of the post in retrospect. :suicide:

[QUOTE=Weirdness;45299531]Anyone else get restless sitting when they're severely depressed? Maybe it's just me.[/QUOTE] I mostly get incredibly tired and just lay back in my chair or bed when I'm at my worst :v:

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I've realised that my depression starts when I lay down. Is this common? Because every time I try to sleep, I can't stop thinking on how lonely I feel. Sometimes, I start to shed tears.

[QUOTE=Roll_Program;45300608]When depression started to hit me hard I kept going to the doctor thinking I had everything from diabetes to glandular fever and I kept worrying I had chronic fatigue syndrome, I was struggling to get out of bed and think clearly. I'm learning how to power through the fatigue and concentration problems but it makes life really difficult and stressful, I can't live like this.[/QUOTE] It gets easier. I'm the same way with my depression/anxiety - stressed to the max, fatigued, lethargic and apathetic. But not always, I do have good days now, only because I know how to recognize what's happening to me. That comes with the territory of being depressed/anxious. You're already identifying it, so you know it comes from irrational behavior, try to counteract it with rational thoughts. "I know why I feel this way." - that's what helps me, to recognize why I feel a certain way. It sucks, it'll always suck, but you will learn how to cope eventually. Edit: Here's a few steps to understanding your depression and maybe, maybe even beating it to some degree. Step 1: Identification - Identify your depression and its symptoms. Step 2: Analyze - Analyze your depression; try to get to the root of the depression, to better understand how it works, how it functions... often times you'll find yourself at a brick wall unable to analyze any further, come to the realization that depression is irrational and accept it for what it is, then let it go. Step 3: Problem Solve - sort of the end of step 2, if you analyze your depression enough it'll stop making sense which opens up a window for you to problem solve and create an out from your symptoms. Even if its a simple task like waking up at a certain time and getting out of bed, you're still setting a goal and adhering to it, making you the victor.

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[QUOTE=CheezMan;45299728]words[/QUOTE] You're pretty much literally me. As much as I hated school, I would redo all of it if such an opportunity ever arose...

[QUOTE=Davidn64;45300624]I've realised that my depression starts when I lay down. Is this common? Because every time I try to sleep, I can't stop thinking on how lonely I feel. Sometimes, I start to shed tears.[/QUOTE] I get this too. When you're in bed you no longer have anything to take your mind off of your problems, and they just start hitting you and you can't stop thinking about them. What's worked for me is writing down what I did that day, the current situation on my health (better, worse etc), and what I plan to do to help. It allows you to get out any lingering things at the back of your head that worry you. When that doesn't work, dropping a few Ibuprofen lets me calm down and get to sleep (oddly enough makes me happier too). It's a NMDA receptor antagonist, which means it blocks the production of glutamate (a neurotransmitter). It's sorta the same thing that Ketamine does, though wayyyyy milder. Reducing the amount of glutamate in the brain calms it down, stops racing thoughts and helps you get to sleep, to put it simply. The fact that it also blocks pain receptors is just an added bonus to help you sleep. Hell, I'm planning on trying some l-Theanine supplements just to help me sleep. Ibuprofen isn't good in the long run for a whole host of reasons, but it's a lifesaver in the short term.

Oh I thought I was the only one who had that. I need constant distractions to keep my mind off things (see: post count lmao). Usually hits in the shower.

[QUOTE=ROFLBURGER;45306440]Oh I thought I was the only one who had that. I need constant distractions to keep my mind off things (see: post count lmao). Usually hits in the shower.[/QUOTE] Showers can be a mixed bag. Some days it helps wake me up and get motivated, others I just stand there for 10 minutes staring at my feet.

Starting over again, after my life went to shit around May. Now my family is pissed that I'm laying up in bed not feeling well, and then it's my fault the family is feeling bad for me. But I don't want to talk about it, sometimes I need days to just think, cry and cheer myself to live again. It's hard to get footing again and I ended up packing on a few pounds and so on, which they also flack me for. I'll probably lie that I have work so I can be home alone for a while, I can't handle ruining summer for everyone.

I've posted here about my thanatophobia and it's just been coming back over and over again. I first started getting it almost two years ago, and it's been on and off. It's come back recently and it's really bad at night. I end up staying up on my computer hours after I usually sleep so that when I do decide to sleep, it's quick and I don't have time to lay still, because that's when I start to have the anxiety and panic attacks. The attacks themselves are pretty short, every time I start to think about it, I feel as though I just realized something huge, then my body sinks and I feel horrible and scared. It's so shitty. It goes away after about a minute once I force myself to think about it, but I return to it often. What is there to do? A therapist? I'd prefer not to see one. I'm technically Catholic, but I'm hardly religious. I'd consider myself agnostic over anything. It doesn't help that my girlfriend's away with no cell phone for a week, and she's usually what helps me calm down at night.

So I have literally given up on real life and completely succumbed to the virtual world. Real life is just not worth it, I am a complete opposite of what a proper human being should be. My mother already is ashamed of me, and honestly, I guess I cannot blame her. I'm just a no life nerd without any talents whatsoever, I won't ever have a real job, a relationship, and now, I probably won't even have any real life whatsoever.

[QUOTE=KandyMan;45318586]So I have literally given up on real life and completely succumbed to the virtual world. Real life is just not worth it, I am a complete opposite of what a proper human being should be. My mother already is ashamed of me, and honestly, I guess I cannot blame her. I'm just a no life nerd without any talents whatsoever, I won't ever have a real job, a relationship, and now, I probably won't even have any real life whatsoever.[/QUOTE] Not to sound harsh but with that attitude you will be. It's an absolute fucking chore to stay positive and get your life in order, real talk. But as someone said here quite a few pages back, you need to break the routine of self-loathing and laziness and beating up on yourself. It's a vicious cycle otherwise, where you spend the day doing nothing, get into bed wishing you had done something, wonder why you even bother, and repeating the next day. You have to pick small victories, even if they seem fucking stupid. Currently I've submitted a few old songs to an internet album, inbetween that I've been uploading obscure music onto youtube that I can't find on there, setting aside money to get myself some new supplements and try help my health, along with trying to afford winter gear to bike ride with. None of that seems like grand opus shit like learning to draw or picking up a sport or learning a language or whatever, but it's still progress. Even if it's just getting out of bed and doing some chores, organizing a game with some old friends or making a list of what you need to do for the week, so long as you're trying to make any kind of difference in your life, you're moving forward rather than staying where you are. [editline]8th July 2014[/editline] On a side note it's 5am again and I'm still not in bed. :suicide: I'LL BE FEELING THIS TOMORROW WHEN I GO FOR MY BLOOD TEST.

not being able to get the look you want when it comes to for example customization of your desktop drives me absolutely nuts. I posted about it earlier too when it came to clothing and how I like nothing since it's not my "perfect" but at the same time I don't know what perfect is. I end up in this vicious cycle where I'll google for inspiration but nothing fits my taste. some of the stuff I find is alright, but it's never enough. I keep aiming for something I consider perfect, but don't know what perfect is, so it ends up with nothing being okay. it gets me so incredibly restless and annoyed. it quite literally drives me nuts

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Its so much fun to be tortured by my obsessive thoughts

Haha yep. I have to distract myself until I'm on the brink of consciousness from tiredness until I can fall asleep peacefully, otherwise I'm lying in bed stuck with intrusive and uncontrollable depressing thoughts and embarrassing memories that keep me awake. I'd rather not have to deal with feeling suicidal every night so I basically have to end each day with lying in bed for hours doing something to occupy my mind (like I'm doing right now) to keep the bad thoughts away. I can't read anything long since I can't keep concentrating on it long enough to keep the bad thoughts away. [editline]8th July 2014[/editline] This barely works. [editline]8th July 2014[/editline] I dont know how long I can deal with living like this. I never want to go to sleep but once I am I dont want to wake up.

I've come to discover that I am horribly depressed during the day but am completely fine during the night. It's like seasonal affective disorder, except on a smaller time scale and completely backwards of the norm. Incredibly fascinating. If I wasn't going to school for chemistry I would have chosen to go for psychology.