Depression, anxiety, suicidalism and similar disorders, issues and troubles V3 - Discussion, help an - General

Yeah I've attempted to learn Java in the past as well, couldn't apply myself to it long enough to get my head around the concept. I suggested cooking because that's what I ended up really getting into, and the internet has been indispensable for helping me with it.

Going cold turkey on anything is a recipe to failure unless you've got a ridiculous amount of willpower (Which if you did, you wouldn't have the problems you're having now). Ease yourself into new things.

Been getting depressed about my appearance again. Idk just randomly my mom said that I looked good or something when I haven't even shaved for a week or showered for a day. It's like "lmao fuck off mom"

Well, my parents blame me now for getting sent to the hospital and having to pay my school back $3500. Yea, like it's really my fault that I had depression and was sent forcefully to the hospital. Like I could have predicted all that happening. My mom says I should have never gone to counseling. Yea, she's right, I should have killed myself instead. That would have been FUCKING better.

[QUOTE=Heigou;45443954]Going cold turkey on anything is a recipe to failure unless you've got a ridiculous amount of willpower (Which if you did, you wouldn't have the problems you're having now). Ease yourself into new things.[/QUOTE] It really is. My sugar addiction is getting worse and worse and i have no motivation to stop stuffing my face with candy.

I've been facing alot of suicidal thoughts lately and the hotline strongly suggested that I see a psychiatrist. Has anyone of you been to one? and what is it like?

they help, letting your thoughts out is always a good idea, and someone who's good at listening is always better (if you get a good one that is) don't know if i can take my daily life anymore myself, i gotta do something

So depressed right now. I was supposed to go out to a local theme park thing but I heard that a lot of people that bully me or used to bully me were going. Now while my bro and the rest of the family are out having fun, I'm indoors wanting to kill myself. I just want the pain to end.

Ok so my week off ended quite badly. My parents were off overseas for the week off but returned Saturday morning. There was a big event on Sunday that both my dad and I were going to, I had done my part for submitting forms/details and getting equipment ready but since my dad wasn't ready at all I had to be dragged along to help and shit. At the same time, I was supposed to be going to a lan party (which was just a 'close' friends thing) hosted by a moron of a 'close' friend. So when I find out about this a few hours before the lan party starts, I do the right thing and post on the FB event that I'm going to be maybe 2 hours late (I don't specify why since it's irrelevant). I get the absolutely lovely response of: "I am not surprised" like... [I]wow[/I]. with a reply like that, a big part of me didn't even want to associate with him and go to the 'party' at all. So due to more disorganisation I end up not going to the party at all. I end up doing almost bloody nothing helping my dad, watching him do all the work (it was a one man job) and then getting shouted at for doing nothing, like I'm expected to know exactly what to be doing (he fucking should know that I don't) I didn't bother giving an explanation as to why I didn't go to the party, and nobody asked why either. They all probably thought (mostly the host probably thought) that I had ditched a 'boring lan party' for something way cooler... ugh Sunday, the event day was a two part thing. The morning part was a purely 'for fun' event which I entered, not my dad and the afternoon part was the more serious competition part. The morning part I thought would be a brilliant opportunity to have some fun with my friends and I was pretty excited for it (mostly because these kinds of things aren't very friend 'friendly' in the competitive form, as there's quite a lot of money involved and paperwork). Out of the ten or so people I invited, only one came. Some of them understandable excuses like sickness and loved ones in hospitable, But most of them didn't even acknowledge me or the event, as if they didn't want to get involved (and I created a page for this event almost a month before it happened). The one friend and I had a blast of a time and we both agreed that it turned out better than expected. Then my dad arrived. We'd done things like this before in the past and when I'd fuck up he'd be pretty reasonable. This time... I don't even know. I was fucking up a lot more this time, but my dad was just insanely mean with the feedback and was hammering me. I... I don't know why but first I was unable to give any response other than 'yes' and 'ok'. I [I]really[/I] just wanted to ask if he could explain a lot simpler since I don't know... It's like a I couldn't concentrate or think at all. I just couldn't fucking ask.. or say anything. I felt the words in my throat but I couldn't get them out. After more shouting, cussing, hard to understand sign language and then finally shouting his head off at me and humiliating me in front of the busy crowd masses (filled with faces that know my fathers name) I tried really hard not to, but I cried a bit. I really wanted to go home and die. Going home and being instantly greeted by my mother and sister was something I dreaded a little but I said I was fine and went to my room without unpacking any of my shit. When my brother came to me and asked how my day was, mentioning the second half of the day was extremely painful. And when I finally said that I think I still have anxiety issues with my dad I couldn't hold back the tears. I hadn't cried that hard in a very long time. I don't know.... I feel really helpless and shitty. Even worse when someone asks how my week was.... tldr; dad issues/anxiety. feeling very lost and hopeless.

[QUOTE=Durst;45455320]tldr; dad issues/anxiety. feeling very lost and hopeless.[/QUOTE] This is actually a lot like an issue I had with social anxiety myself. It was less so between me and my Dad (because he almost never yells unless I've been truly shitty- which I am thankful for), but between me and any figure of authority. I've never dealt well with authority. If someone earns my respect, I'll throw myself in front of bullets for them, no questions, just trust. When someone tries to exert power over me through means of, say, rank ("I am an adult, you will listen," "I am the boss, you will listen," etc) it always set off that same reaction. In my situations, I've found that my anxiety kicks in like this and prevents me from thinking rationally because it kicks off a fight-or-flight reaction. It sounds like you're having that too. Like, your mind is just filled with fear and you're super-aware, and you know all you have to do is just say something, but you can't do anything, because you just keep saying "yes" and "ok", until this 'danger' your mind perceives goes away. My psychiatrist prescribed Fluoxetine (Prozac), and trust me when I say that it was more helpful than I can put into words for this. In the words my Doctor used, this kind of reaction occurs because of a low neural sensitivity to Serotonin, which helps move signals between neurons in your brain. When it's not working so well, it's almost as if your "conscious" mind, your rational thoughts that you control, are quieted, and your instinctual reactions overpower them. Even when you wanted to ask, you couldn't, because your conscious mind lost control to instinct. Fluoxetine (or Prozac), is supposed to "prevent the reuptake of serotonin". I have no idea what that means, but apparently it causes your brain to produce more, and it acts like a signal boost for your conscious mind. Suddenly, it's as if you have the volume to drown out these irrational impulses and maintain a level of control over your own mind and body I never thought was possible. I can seriously say my life has never been better. Not even an exaggeration, it is comparatively better. All those quiet, nagging anxieties that tear away at your sanity, all those nameless, formless reactions that silence you and take hold on your body in times of duress... It's all gone. It's just me now, in my head. I have never known such clarity. On the other hand it makes my hands shake a little which makes drawing kind of a pain sometimes and also I poop a lot, but personally I think the benefits outweigh those few cons. :v:

I never knew this thread existed... I was diagnosed with MDD prior to my admission to hospital 8weeks ago (3rd time I've been hospitalized for mental health issues).. Went through some intense cognitive behavioural therapy whilst in there, then did a further 6week out-patient CBT program. It's been a rocky year.

had my wakeup call yesterday, several panic attacks in a row and people calling me gonna go see a doctor next week, gonna force myself to take pills if i get any, i can't live like this anymore

I wonder what I'm even doing with my life at this point. every second I sit here doing nothing is a second I'm not getting back ever again. a single second isn't a lot to lose, but when it adds up to over a year, a part of my life has literally been dedicated to doing nothing. I'm starting to get increasingly worried for my health. mentally, I'm sure nothing bad will happen any time soon, but I don't think my body is able to keep up. I don't eat well at all, I can't remember the last time I ate vegetables or fruit and I'm not moving at all during a day. if I ever get out of my chair, it's to use the toilet, get something to drink or something to eat. I'm far from even moving 15 minutes a day. more accurate would be in 5-10 minute range, that's all I use my body other than my fingers for an entire day. september or so last year I started getting some issues with chest pain. I didn't think too much of it as it didn't feel like it was related to the chest, but more related to the nuts. the feeling you get in your chest when your nuts hurt, that's what I thought it was. figured out it wasn't later as it doesn't just hurt randomly down there, and some time later I realized it was my chest hurting. I get this stabbing pain in the left side of my chest as if a knife is attempting to burrow itself in which lasts for up to 30 minutes. I have a resting bpm of 97, which doesn't feel right. I don't drink alcohol, do drugs or smoke, so it can't be related to those. my uncle had a heart attack just a few years back, and my grandfather has always struggled with heart fibrillation which forced him to retire when he was in his 50's. I'm worried my heart is taking a rough beating because of my condition

University crap has gotten me way too anxious, it's over a month away but I'm already at the point where I can't eat or sleep and I've been shaking for 4 days now. I really think I'm in over my head with engineering, if I'm already a wreck what's going to happen when I need to actually meet my roommates, or go to class, or during exams? On the other hand I think I'd instantly regret not going to university again, despite how happy it would make me to just withdraw right now before I've spent any money.

[QUOTE=PredGD;45474447]I wonder what I'm even doing with my life at this point. every second I sit here doing nothing is a second I'm not getting back ever again. a single second isn't a lot to lose, but when it adds up to over a year, a part of my life has literally been dedicated to doing nothing. I'm starting to get increasingly worried for my health. mentally, I'm sure nothing bad will happen any time soon, but I don't think my body is able to keep up. I don't eat well at all, I can't remember the last time I ate vegetables or fruit and I'm not moving at all during a day. if I ever get out of my chair, it's to use the toilet, get something to drink or something to eat. I'm far from even moving 15 minutes a day. more accurate would be in 5-10 minute range, that's all I use my body other than my fingers for an entire day. september or so last year I started getting some issues with chest pain. I didn't think too much of it as it didn't feel like it was related to the chest, but more related to the nuts. the feeling you get in your chest when your nuts hurt, that's what I thought it was. figured out it wasn't later as it doesn't just hurt randomly down there, and some time later I realized it was my chest hurting. I get this stabbing pain in the left side of my chest as if a knife is attempting to burrow itself in which lasts for up to 30 minutes. I have a resting bpm of 97, which doesn't feel right. I don't drink alcohol, do drugs or smoke, so it can't be related to those. my uncle had a heart attack just a few years back, and my grandfather has always struggled with heart fibrillation which forced him to retire when he was in his 50's. I'm worried my heart is taking a rough beating because of my condition[/QUOTE] High resting bpm can be as simple as stress too. Always worrying can slowly and constantly release adrenaline. [editline]23rd July 2014[/editline] idk man good luck

I keep feeling like an absolute failure. I'm trying to make my life better but shit just keeps going wrong, my motivation keeps getting drained and my moods switch like crazy. Burned through $65 alone today restocking my medication and supplements, both of which aren't really helping but I keep spending money on because I'm hoping it will eventually. I don't even draw anymore, or make music. I've tried going to bed earlier but I either wake up in the afternoon or after only 5 hours. I can't exercise because it's so goddamn freezing. My manager won't even give me the time of day anymore let alone extra shifts and I can't find another job to save my life. I play games to death for about 4-5 days and then get mad because I keep screwing up ingame over the simplest things and stop, and then I'm stuck just staring into space again for another solid month. Most songs that I enjoyed make me uncontrollably depressed and on the verge of tears because all I can think about is how much better and healthier I was not even 8 months ago and the fun ideas I used to play around with listening to them and the inspirations they'd give me. As an added bonus my computer is going to shit, with my graphics card artifacting and my whole computer stuttering with too much cpu load. I've probably recapped all of this for the 3rd or 4th time by now, but I don't know what else to do. I'm bleeding myself dry and beating myself up and slowly becoming even more of a wreck. I just want to disappear for a few months, abandon my job, my responsibilities. Seal myself off from everything. I don't know what good that'd even do me but I just can't deal with this shit anymore. And now I get to sleep only 5 hours again because I need to be up by 8:30 to go to my gastroenterologist, tell her I didn't get the second blood test like I was supposed to, that my increased medication dosage isn't working and that we'll do all of this again 3 months from now with nothing getting better. I feel so melodramatic but I was never good at structuring write-ups well or posting like a normal person on the internet, it's always been pretty obvious. I just became more obvious to it when I started reading over everything I type with all this time to kill. Not much else to say.

[QUOTE=Weirdness;45476681]I keep feeling like an absolute failure. I'm trying to make my life better but shit just keeps going wrong, my motivation keeps getting drained and my moods switch like crazy. Burned through $65 alone today restocking my medication and supplements, both of which aren't really helping but I keep spending money on because I'm hoping it will eventually. I don't even draw anymore, or make music. I've tried going to bed earlier but I either wake up in the afternoon or after only 5 hours. I can't exercise because it's so goddamn freezing. My manager won't even give me the time of day anymore let alone extra shifts and I can't find another job to save my life. I play games to death for about 4-5 days and then get mad because I keep screwing up ingame over the simplest things and stop, and then I'm stuck just staring into space again for another solid month. Most songs that I enjoyed make me uncontrollably depressed and on the verge of tears because all I can think about is how much better and healthier I was not even 8 months ago and the fun ideas I used to play around with listening to them and the inspirations they'd give me. As an added bonus my computer is going to shit, with my graphics card artifacting and my whole computer stuttering with too much cpu load. I've probably recapped all of this for the 3rd or 4th time by now, but I don't know what else to do. I'm bleeding myself dry and beating myself up and slowly becoming even more of a wreck. I just want to disappear for a few months, abandon my job, my responsibilities. Seal myself off from everything. I don't know what good that'd even do me but I just can't deal with this shit anymore. And now I get to sleep only 5 hours again because I need to be up by 8:30 to go to my gastroenterologist, tell her I didn't get the second blood test like I was supposed to, that my increased medication dosage isn't working and that we'll do all of this again 3 months from now with nothing getting better. I feel so melodramatic but I was never good at structuring write-ups well or posting like a normal person on the internet, it's always been pretty obvious. I just became more obvious to it when I started reading over everything I type with all this time to kill. Not much else to say.[/QUOTE] Can you identify the trigger as to why it started ? Too much idle time stagnates mind. Try to build up a hobby or resume the ones you are already good at. If it looks to be quite overwhelming, slow down for a bit. Your soundcloud page got some good songs.

[QUOTE=Weirdness;45476681]I keep feeling like an absolute failure. I'm trying to make my life better but shit just keeps going wrong, my motivation keeps getting drained and my moods switch like crazy. Burned through $65 alone today restocking my medication and supplements, both of which aren't really helping but I keep spending money on because I'm hoping it will eventually. I don't even draw anymore, or make music. I've tried going to bed earlier but I either wake up in the afternoon or after only 5 hours. I can't exercise because it's so goddamn freezing. My manager won't even give me the time of day anymore let alone extra shifts and I can't find another job to save my life. I play games to death for about 4-5 days and then get mad because I keep screwing up ingame over the simplest things and stop, and then I'm stuck just staring into space again for another solid month. Most songs that I enjoyed make me uncontrollably depressed and on the verge of tears because all I can think about is how much better and healthier I was not even 8 months ago and the fun ideas I used to play around with listening to them and the inspirations they'd give me. As an added bonus my computer is going to shit, with my graphics card artifacting and my whole computer stuttering with too much cpu load. I've probably recapped all of this for the 3rd or 4th time by now, but I don't know what else to do. I'm bleeding myself dry and beating myself up and slowly becoming even more of a wreck. I just want to disappear for a few months, abandon my job, my responsibilities. Seal myself off from everything. I don't know what good that'd even do me but I just can't deal with this shit anymore. And now I get to sleep only 5 hours again because I need to be up by 8:30 to go to my gastroenterologist, tell her I didn't get the second blood test like I was supposed to, that my increased medication dosage isn't working and that we'll do all of this again 3 months from now with nothing getting better. I feel so melodramatic but I was never good at structuring write-ups well or posting like a normal person on the internet, it's always been pretty obvious. I just became more obvious to it when I started reading over everything I type with all this time to kill. Not much else to say.[/QUOTE] when it comes to hobbies like making music like you do, I can relate. I don't make music or anything like that, but I've always wanted to learn playing guitar and learn a programming language. everytime I try to learn though, I start asking myself "am I learning this the right way?" "could I learn more efficiently?", etc, thoughts like that. I always end up overwhelmed over all the things I could possibly do, and I have the tendency to get an overview of everything and find what suits me the best, which doesn't work out that well when you're given so many options and ways to approach something. I never see progress fast enough which makes me quickly drop stuff. gotta say, I feel like I did a good job with playing guitar this past week. kept going for 5 days in a row without putting it down which is longer than usual. too bad I've kind of fallen off track again with all my questions on how to improve. I overwhelm myself with thoughts regarding everything too quickly. when it comes to games, we may as well be the same person. :v: games are great at occupying my time, when they manage to. when Dark Souls 2 came out for PC, I was completely gone. I played it day in and day out, and even though it sounds like a shitty thing to do with your life, I was having a blast. just the fact that I had something to do was good enough to me. but like everything else, you lose interest after a while. then it's back to staring at the wall, mindlessly browsing through facepunch and occasionally ranting in here. regarding songs, I'd recommend not listening to old songs at all if you can manage. if I see the name of a song I used to love back in 2012/early 2013, my eyes start watering. listening to them makes me a wreck and is enough to give me suicidal thoughts (though never enough to act or actually consider pulling through). songs are a great way to put you back in the moment you used to listen to them, which is a double edged blade. as fritzel said too, identifying the trigger and tidying up all the information going through is very important. I keep telling myself that too, but it's way too easy to just let all information flow through to overwhelm you. so many uncontrollable thoughts, sadly [editline]23rd July 2014[/editline] I've been experiencing something really weird today too. I can't recall it happening before, but when reading, everything comes out as a garbled mess. it's readable, but everything feels so cramped together and hard to comprehend. it almost looks like all the words are touching each other.

[QUOTE=fritzel;45476919]Can you identify the trigger as to why it started ? Too much idle time stagnates mind. Try to build up a hobby or resume the ones you are already good at. If it looks to be quite overwhelming, slow down for a bit. Your soundcloud page got some good songs.[/QUOTE] A lot of the songs on there are stuff from when I first started, which in turn ended up being my best stuff because back then I was full of motivation and ideas, wanting to try new things and lift other peoples methods and work with them. I can't even blame depression because I was depressed as hell back in 2008/2009, I just finally had something to keep my mind off of it. And trigger, to be honest I've been going downhill long before I got encephalitis, it just kicked up a gear when I did. I could no longer ignore my health and my situation in life because I couldn't escape into my thoughts anymore. I still struggle with my creativity and enjoyment for that. There's the odd day that I can do pretty much everything I could before all this happened, but those days are far and few between. And it's hard to slow down. Everyone requires so much of me, but with post-encephalitis recovery people don't realize how damn tiring everything becomes. Physically I'm back to normal but mentally I can't keep up, and people in turn get pissed off about that. My boss considers me dead weight and I even overheard her talking about transferring me to a different store. Not exactly the most reassuring thing in the world. And I know I should be getting more active, but my mind is damn set on the path to self destruction. I overanalyse the smallest things in my work, I go from extremely happy to inconsolably sad multiple times a day, and for no good reason I go out of my way to look at stuff that I know I'll get mad at. I don't even know why. It's not masochism because I'm sure as hell not enjoying any of this one bit. Plus it's damn freezing. I have plans set for when spring kicks in and it gets warmer, but for now everything seems so damn bleak. Sorry for the wall of text. And cheers for the kind words about my music; they really are my best stuff. [editline]24th July 2014[/editline] [QUOTE=PredGD;45477527]when it comes to hobbies like making music like you do, I can relate. I don't make music or anything like that, but I've always wanted to learn playing guitar and learn a programming language. everytime I try to learn though, I start asking myself [B]"am I learning this the right way?" "could I learn more efficiently?"[/B], etc, thoughts like that. I always end up overwhelmed over all the things I could possibly do, and I have the tendency to get an overview of everything and find what suits me the best, which doesn't work out that well when you're given so many options and ways to approach something. [/QUOTE] This has always been one of my biggest gripes with my thoughts, so I know exactly how you feel in that department. When I started taking drawing seriously I started asking myself if I was going too slow or if there was a better resource out there. In turn all I got back from people was "you need to be drawing at least 6 hours a day solid", "this resource is shit, use this instead" and "HERE'S WHY I THINK YOU'RE WRONG". Real fun. Only good thing I learnt from that is you should take from every resource you find, as there's never a right way or a better way of doing something. As Glenn Vilppu said, "There are no rules, just tools." [QUOTE=PredGD;45477527] I never see progress fast enough which makes me quickly drop stuff. gotta say, I feel like I did a good job with playing guitar this past week. kept going for 5 days in a row without putting it down which is longer than usual. too bad I've kind of fallen off track again with all my questions on how to improve. I overwhelm myself with thoughts regarding everything too quickly. [/QUOTE] Same here again. The longest streak I went was about 2.5/3 months solid of an hour of drawing every night before sleeping. Even though I wasn't making huge headway as everyone else around me, I was still making good progress, and when I compared my work when I started to the end of the year, I was absolutely amazing at the progress I did. It was more than I had ever done with drawing. [QUOTE=PredGD;45477527] when it comes to games, we may as well be the same person. :v: games are great at occupying my time, when they manage to. when Dark Souls 2 came out for PC, I was completely gone. I played it day in and day out, and even though it sounds like a shitty thing to do with your life, I was having a blast. just the fact that I had something to do was good enough to me. but like everything else, you lose interest after a while. then it's back to staring at the wall, mindlessly browsing through facepunch and occasionally ranting in here.[/QUOTE] I guess it's just really easy to burn yourself out on games. I started playing Deus Ex and couldn't keep my hands off of it for a week. Now I'm stuck in Hong Kong because that place is a damn maze and I can't bring myself to move on. [QUOTE=PredGD;45477527] regarding songs, I'd recommend not listening to old songs at all if you can manage. if I see the name of a song I used to love back in 2012/early 2013, my eyes start watering. listening to them makes me a wreck and is enough to give me suicidal thoughts (though never enough to act or actually consider pulling through). songs are a great way to put you back in the moment you used to listen to them, which is a double edged blade. [/QUOTE] Very much so. Music has always been tied to strong memories in my life, thanks to walking to and from home and work AND school every day with my mp3 player on. I even used to put songs I was working on on there, going over them and figuring out what could be fixed, then rushing home to make changes before I forgot. [QUOTE=PredGD;45477527] as fritzel said too, identifying the trigger and tidying up all the information going through is very important. I keep telling myself that too, but it's way too easy to just let all information flow through to overwhelm you. so many uncontrollable thoughts, sadly[/QUOTE] I'm much more calmer now. Sometimes I can listen to old music and just enjoy it for what it is, and get lost in thoughts again. It's annoying, when you love to do something but there's a 50/50 chance of it just sending you spiraling down. And 10 minutes later you can listen to the same damn thing and it makes you happy. :suicide: [QUOTE=PredGD;45477527] [editline]23rd July 2014[/editline] I've been experiencing something really weird today too. I can't recall it happening before, but when reading, everything comes out as a garbled mess. it's readable, but everything feels so cramped together and hard to comprehend. it almost looks like all the words are touching each other.[/QUOTE] That doesn't sound particularly good. Could just be stress or mental fatigue, but I'm obviously not a doctor. I know I sometimes have a hard time reading sentences when my brain feels like mush thanks to either depression or brain fog.

So my mom came home and I feel completly worthless again. I can't do anything around the house and she get pissed and angry and when I get sad because of it she believes it's an act to get her to feel bad so she then throws even more shit at me. It's starting to big me and I'm consequently laying about work so I can be home alone where I actually feel like I belong. It's starting to get to me again, my life had a pretty bright future because of last weekend but now I feel completly useless again because of my mom being a controlfreak and a fucking asshole on the verbal front. I don't want to tell mom about me or my relationship with her but at this point I'm never coming back she is going to be that way towards me.

I don't post a lot and especially not if it's about something personal, but right now I'm stuck with this and I want to get this off my chest. My grandmother has been given a week or two to live, in an extremely unlikely scenario she might live for 2 more months. That's what a worker from a medical organisation (they help make things easier for terminally ill patients and their family) said. She has lung cancer, been getting treated for it for 4 years now. On top of that, she has COPD, which basically means a large part of her lungs is dying. In fact, one lung has shut down. I'm going to see her Saturday, but that might be the last time I see her. I love her, when I was a kid she was always there for me. Ever since her lung cancer was getting worse I've been visiting her on a weekly basis, so I wouldn't later regret not visiting her often. I'm the only grandchild who visits her regularly, except for my brother, who goes there on a monthly or bi-monthly basis. By now it became routine, a time where I could just go and talk about my week and hear stories from the '60s and '70s. That will end, I knew it would end, I didn't think it would end this soon. Fuck this man.

I think I might have PTSD including all the symptoms of circumcision such as anger, depression, low self-esteem and problems with intimacy. I've had all of these problems all my life and I only recently figured out the source of these problems. For the past week I have been fantasizing about finding a doctor who performs circumcisions on newborns, hitting him on back of the head with a blunt object and cutting off his dick while he is unconscious. This sounds like just a fantasy that nobody would actually do, but I actually want to do that to someone, I know it is wrong and won't solve anything but this is a real urge I have. And this is not a troll post I really need help with this EDIT: I realized that I don't actually have PTSD

[QUOTE=Weirdness;45482476]A lot of the songs on there are stuff from when I first started, which in turn ended up being my best stuff because back then I was full of motivation and ideas, wanting to try new things and lift other peoples methods and work with them. I can't even blame depression because I was depressed as hell back in 2008/2009, I just finally had something to keep my mind off of it. And trigger, to be honest I've been going downhill long before I got encephalitis, it just kicked up a gear when I did. I could no longer ignore my health and my situation in life because I couldn't escape into my thoughts anymore. I still struggle with my creativity and enjoyment for that. There's the odd day that I can do pretty much everything I could before all this happened, but those days are far and few between. And it's hard to slow down. Everyone requires so much of me, but with post-encephalitis recovery people don't realize how damn tiring everything becomes. Physically I'm back to normal but mentally I can't keep up, and people in turn get pissed off about that. My boss considers me dead weight and I even overheard her talking about transferring me to a different store. Not exactly the most reassuring thing in the world. And I know I should be getting more active, but my mind is damn set on the path to self destruction. I overanalyse the smallest things in my work, I go from extremely happy to inconsolably sad multiple times a day, and for no good reason I go out of my way to look at stuff that I know I'll get mad at. I don't even know why. It's not masochism because I'm sure as hell not enjoying any of this one bit. Plus it's damn freezing. I have plans set for when spring kicks in and it gets warmer, but for now everything seems so damn bleak. Sorry for the wall of text. And cheers for the kind words about my music; they really are my best stuff. [/QUOTE] I was there in Wellington few weeks back. Cold really sets the mood down. Vitamin D3 may help. If you over-think something then it just so happens that your brain grasps the negative side of it. It gets more discouraging and makes you feel belittled in this world. Try not to over-analyze. World doesn't care much except over sensationalism. Important thing is to enjoy what you do. It doesn't have to be 24/7 or the job that you do. You just need that one thing which you really enjoy doing. Grab onto it for few minutes a day. Lose yourself into it. That will surely alleviate the gravity of whole day in a jiffy. I see that you are already passionate about music and drawing. Let you talent take a form. Don't relate happiness to big goals. Because big goals take forever to come to fruition. Whittle down to short term achievable goals. Set those as your challenges in life. Indulge in simple pleasures of life. Observe minute happenings around you and relish the beauty in those. May be watch Amelie once to get the idea. Apart from that. Be well rested, 6-8 hours sleep or as your body responds to. A well rested body has optimal chemical/ hormonal balance. What you eat is what you are, so take care of your diet (everything spanning from carbs to fats to protein to vitamins and minerals). Don't assume that fats are bad. A good portion of diet must contain fats. I remember that when I used to skip breakfast I would get testy.

Absolutely nothing helps. This isn't even an anxiety disorder when the anxiety is legitimate, grounded in a reasonable probability of the rest of my life being shittier than the first portion. If I don't just outright die, which is another possibility that even my father was willing to make me even more aware of. Swallowing the fact that death or worse may be imminent in horrid. I'd prefer to be in control if I could and am just waiting for a sign to allow myself to be alleviated, though the time period between being certain that I'm going to die and the period that I have to take my own life easily and with less pain is narrow. I wish I was bullshitting. Going to sleep like shit again, wake up tomorrow and go to class where I do pretty well, and then think of how many mistakes I had made and how I could have done so much and had a decent to amazing life. How to die, best case scenario.

[QUOTE=Daniel Smith;45488301] For the past week I have been fantasizing about finding a doctor who performs circumcisions on newborns, hitting him on back of the head with a blunt object and cutting off his dick while he is unconscious. This sounds like just a fantasy that nobody would actually do, but I actually want to do that to someone, I know it is wrong and won't solve anything but this is a real urge I have. And this is not a troll post I really need help with this[/QUOTE] Seek professional help Like immediately

[QUOTE=littlefoot;45492501]Absolutely nothing helps. [b]This isn't even an anxiety disorder when the anxiety is legitimate, grounded in a reasonable probability of the rest of my life being shittier than the first portion.[/b] If I don't just outright die, which is another possibility that even my father was willing to make me even more aware of. Swallowing the fact that death or worse may be imminent in horrid. I'd prefer to be in control if I could and am just waiting for a sign to allow myself to be alleviated, though the time period between being certain that I'm going to die and the period that I have to take my own life easily and with less pain is narrow. I wish I was bullshitting. Going to sleep like shit again, wake up tomorrow and go to class where I do pretty well, and then think of how many mistakes I had made and how I could have done so much and had a decent to amazing life. How to die, best case scenario.[/QUOTE] I was diagnosed with anxiety disorder, and this is not how I was told it works, nor how I believe it works based on my own experiences. From what I understand, an anxiety disorder is often characterized by the illegitimacy of the anxious fears experienced (or the exaggerations of the anxious reactions experienced, but that's beside the point). What I'm trying to get at here is that your problem with anxiety is definitely a valid problem worth addressing, and it is definitely a bad idea to sit on your ass and wait for it to go away. 'Cuz I don't think it will until it's dealt with, one way or another.

My depression is getting really weird. Most of the time, I am neutral or mildly to moderately depressed but I have spikes of suicidal depression that last for hours. After a episode, I am really depressed for days. Is this normal depression or a mood instability thing.

Sometime it just sucks knowing that you could have had some awesome friendships if you didn't work full time 5 and a half days a week. Especially when most of the people in your age group (I'm 19) have way more spare time than you. Like being asked 'hey do you want to do ____ at this time?' and then painfully telling them you can't because of work sucks mega ass. And then they stop asking/caring eventually. I'm locked in for one more year at this job. After that the pay increases heaps and I stay a bit longer, or I get fired. I never wanted this fucking job anyway, I only took it because my parents forcefully recommended that I reconsider after I got offered it. They were adamant to not have another family member bum around the house waiting for the job he wants (and now he's working his dream job) I guess for another year (and maybe a bit longer) I'll have to keep being that 'shit friend'

the "Dead Users" thread is so depressing. I keep seeing these stories of people taking their own lives, and I can't help but tear up like I lost someone close. I don't have any thoughts on suicide myself, but it hurts so much just to understand how it must have felt like the hours, days and weeks before they took their lives. it hurts so much knowing that they had to go through what they did, literally a prisoner of their own thoughts. I wouldn't think I would be struck so hard when reading of this, but here I am, not able to stop the tears. all the stories of suicide makes me legitimately wish that there's an afterlife, and that it's a good one. that they're finally "free" from their own thoughts. I wish I had talked to any of them before they went with suicide [editline]29th July 2014[/editline] the question "is there a meaning to life" drives me insane. it makes me wonder if my condition has been so bad for so long that I won't get better. maybe I'll get "better", but maybe I'll be scarred for life? I don't know of my future, but I know for sure if I keep like I currently am, I'll never get better. maybe the social anxiety has changed me? I've noticed I tend to get more angry at people. I find people annoying when they try to make forced jokes, when people behave like elitists and think they're above everyone else like most of GMF, when people lack basic empathy and respect. I've rarely reacted like this to people before, but I do it so much now. I can barely stand facepunch at this point because of all the hate going on. it makes me wonder, is it me, or is this a "normal" reaction to all this? has my asocial behavior and isolation made me think differently of people, in a bad way? as I said above too, it really makes me wonder if my social anxiety and situation has changed me for the worse. maybe it'll never change again? and if it'll never change again, what is the purpose anymore?

I've fallen so far... Not sure why I'm putting this out there for a bunch of strangers to see, but it just sucks looking back and seeing how much more comfortable I was with life not even 2 years ago.