Depression, anxiety, suicidalism and similar disorders, issues and troubles V3 - Discussion, help an - General

[QUOTE=Durst;45512433]Sometime it just sucks knowing that you could have had some awesome friendships if you didn't work full time 5 and a half days a week. Especially when most of the people in your age group (I'm 19) have way more spare time than you. Like being asked 'hey do you want to do ____ at this time?' and then painfully telling them you can't because of work sucks mega ass. And then they stop asking/caring eventually. I'm locked in for one more year at this job. After that the pay increases heaps and I stay a bit longer, or I get fired. I never wanted this fucking job anyway, I only took it because my parents forcefully recommended that I reconsider after I got offered it. They were adamant to not have another family member bum around the house waiting for the job he wants (and now he's working his dream job) I guess for another year (and maybe a bit longer) I'll have to keep being that 'shit friend'[/QUOTE] I feel you, except I have to tell my girlfriend that... She's only recently come back from a holiday and it sucks knowing that, if I didn't have this job I would've been able to spend a lot more time with her.

Nearly finished with a song, with about 24 hours till its deadline is up, but my hypomania has disappeared again. I knew this was going to happen so I did most of the work in the 3 days that I was actually feeling good and motivated, but now with only a tiny bit to go I can't even bring myself to finish the damn thing. I'm so sick of this. If I could take a pill that would make me hypomanic 24/7 I would. It's the only time I actually get shit done and feel happy about myself. Instead I get to wait for it to come along every 2 weeks and bugger off as quickly as it came. I'm gonna finish this goddamn song whether I like it or not. That's a given. I just wish I could enjoy finishing it as much as I did starting it. Unrelated but my colitis has also started flaring up again. God knows why; all I've been eating practically is bananas, which are low as hell in fiber. Maybe it's because I ran out of probiotics. Regardless, it's not helping me with my energy and motivation. And I threw up for no reason before I even managed to get any food into my stomach today. Wish I knew why.

I've been thinking somewhat on the future for the past hour. I've been thinking of why people bother living, and I can see a ton of reasons on why you might want to live and think that it's a good life. they may have a family, a loved one, a good group of friends, a job they love, a life goal, and the list goes on. of course I end up comparing myself to that and think, what do I have to live for? I don't have a loved one, a job, any friends, no goal in life, it's very barebones. I don't have a hobby I love either. all I can think of is my family, my mom and dad. in the end, they're not really much of a reason for -me- to live, but more that I wouldn't be able to take knowing how they must feel if I were to disappear. I'm sure I've had this thought before, but I believe that was more of a "I hate myself right now, need to find reasons to continue feeling worthless" than an actual realization. [editline]31st July 2014[/editline] just went through my Google accounts and deleted all contacts I no longer speak with, unfollowed a bunch of people on twitter and uninstalled instagram and the facebook app. went into dropbox and moved all my camera uploads (mostly me and my ex) to another folder so I can use it the camera uploads folder again. I'm not feeling really good. painful to erase memories like I'm doing, but it's long overdue. it's been 1 year and 6 months since my ex broke up, and I still tear up by seeing the pictures of me and her on my dropbox account. I should delete it someday, but I just can't do it now. I don't want to erase my last memories of her even though it may be the best

Finally got my physical exam, but the only appointment I can get for a psych exam would be in September. I figure I just gotta suck up, and deal with it. At least I am four weeks clean from oxy among other things.

So I just overcame the urge to kill myself. See I had been thinking about my life when the last college semester ended. I looked at what was ahead and where my life was going. I looked at what the good things were coming up. The last good thing I was able to settle on was the Guardians of the Galaxy movie. So I made a plan to, well, end it all shortly after I saw it. I felt like a burden on my family and my friends. I felt annoying, bitchy, and like a spoiled brat. A few days ago I started to question how terrible I really am when I sent this letter to my grandfather wishing him a happy birthday and he loved the shit out of it. But I was still adamant to go through with whatever I was going to do. Today after I saw Guardians of the Galaxy I started talking with some people in the theater and they were really interested in my point of view because I was like the only dude there who was a fan of the earlier comics and they seemed really interested in what I have to say. Afterwards my parents told me how they really wanted to see the movie with me, and I got some texts from friends saying how they were also interested in going with me. Essentially I finally figured out people do care about me and that I'm not a terrible human being. I'm not saying Guardians of the Galaxy saved my life, but it sure as fuck showed me that maybe I'm not a piece of shit. And hey, I'm gonna be able to see the sequel now.

[QUOTE=Katatonic717;45560315]So I just overcame the urge to kill myself. See I had been thinking about my life when the last college semester ended. I looked at what was ahead and where my life was going. I looked at what the good things were coming up. The last good thing I was able to settle on was the Guardians of the Galaxy movie. So I made a plan to, well, end it all shortly after I saw it. I felt like a burden on my family and my friends. I felt annoying, bitchy, and like a spoiled brat. A few days ago I started to question how terrible I really am when I sent this letter to my grandfather wishing him a happy birthday and he loved the shit out of it. But I was still adamant to go through with whatever I was going to do. Today after I saw Guardians of the Galaxy I started talking with some people in the theater and they were really interested in my point of view because I was like the only dude there who was a fan of the earlier comics and they seemed really interested in what I have to say. Afterwards my parents told me how they really wanted to see the movie with me, and I got some texts from friends saying how they were also interested in going with me. Essentially I finally figured out people do care about me and that I'm not a terrible human being. I'm not saying Guardians of the Galaxy saved my life, but it sure as fuck showed me that maybe I'm not a piece of shit. And hey, I'm gonna be able to see the sequel now.[/QUOTE] most depressed people will find that there are actually good things and people in their life, but they're too focused on the negative to realize it glad you wised up pal! very touching story

[QUOTE=Katatonic717;45560315]So I just overcame the urge to kill myself. See I had been thinking about my life when the last college semester ended. I looked at what was ahead and where my life was going. I looked at what the good things were coming up. The last good thing I was able to settle on was the Guardians of the Galaxy movie. So I made a plan to, well, end it all shortly after I saw it. I felt like a burden on my family and my friends. I felt annoying, bitchy, and like a spoiled brat. A few days ago I started to question how terrible I really am when I sent this letter to my grandfather wishing him a happy birthday and he loved the shit out of it. But I was still adamant to go through with whatever I was going to do. Today after I saw Guardians of the Galaxy I started talking with some people in the theater and they were really interested in my point of view because I was like the only dude there who was a fan of the earlier comics and they seemed really interested in what I have to say. Afterwards my parents told me how they really wanted to see the movie with me, and I got some texts from friends saying how they were also interested in going with me. Essentially I finally figured out people do care about me and that I'm not a terrible human being. I'm not saying Guardians of the Galaxy saved my life, but it sure as fuck showed me that maybe I'm not a piece of shit. And hey, I'm gonna be able to see the sequel now.[/QUOTE] Like said above, this was touching. I dunno if you this will make you any happier, but you're one of my favorite users on FP and without your raccoon mischief it wouldn't be the same.

Holy fuck I had no clue people liked me this much on here. I assumed I was generally disliked actually. Wow. I can't find any pictures of super happy raccoons. So just imagine one.

I've stopped caring about mostly everything. Not sure if that's depression or what. -_-

Time to see the doctor, woo... [B]edit[/B] got prescription antidepressants and benzo.. oh well let's see how this goes

I am never really ever going to get better, or be okay. Any time I feel like it might be happening it's just a fake out and I feel worse than before. It is a hell of a thing to accept but I have mostly accepted it. I would blame this all on my evil dead girlfriend except it's not even her fault. There wasn't really any other way I could have turned out. She still sucks though, don't get me wrong. Now I just kind of have to live with all of this. It is a fucking chore. I am not suicidal or anything though, just, something else entirely.

I've been dreaming a lot of my ex for the past days. not fun at all to wake up from been getting worried I'll always be alone, it's a scary thought. might be why I've been dreaming so much of my ex lately as she was the last real form of social interaction I had

Well, the first girlfriend I ever had came over today, we had sexitimes, and apparently I'm very good at fingering. I made a good dish for dinner, we finished Portal together, watch Pitch Perfect and generally had a good day. And for some reason I just had what I can only describe as an emotional breakdown. I just felt like I deserved nothing good in my life, that I fuck up everything I do and that I generally hate myself, and that everything in my life is going to shit with very few exceptions. My mom died last year, I switched majors at college after realizing that I wasn't good at CompSci, and I'm freaking out because I'm afraid I won't do well in English Education either. That was basically the only other thing I'm interested in, and I feel like if I fuck it up I won't know what to do with my life. The only thing college has brought me is extreme depression, self loathing, failure, the feeling that I'm lazy and incompetent and that I can't change that. I've heard some people recommend dropping out of college and that is absolutely not an option, because I've seen people who drop out of college and in almost every case they lead absolutely shitty lives. Pretty much the only thing I can do to stave off these feelings is cooking, playing guitar, and videogames because they make me feel like I can do things and succeed in something.

^^invest more time in playing guitar, cooking, less so in videogames Fear is a good thing. Turn that fear into motivation. Overcome the challenge.

Man now I feel really sad for no reason. I guess after I told suicide to go fuck itself and went through a few hours of just sheer joy it had to even out. Like I really want to cry but there's nothing to cry about. So I'm sitting here just kinda looking at my computer thinking about how bad the current Guardians of the Galaxy comics are hoping it'll make me cry. :T

[QUOTE=Katatonic717;45569966]Man now I feel really sad for no reason. I guess after I told suicide to go fuck itself and went through a few hours of just sheer joy it had to even out. Like I really want to cry but there's nothing to cry about. So I'm sitting here just kinda looking at my computer thinking about how bad the current Guardians of the Galaxy comics are hoping it'll make my cry. :T[/QUOTE] yin and yang i suppose. i always feel bummed out after something good happens to me. i think you'll feel alright again soon ps i just saw you edit your post! gotta have those sentences on two lines instead of three >:)

[QUOTE=elevate;45569976]yin and yang i suppose. i always feel bummed out after something good happens to me. i think you'll feel alright again soon[/QUOTE] I also think it's that the college semester is starting up pretty soon. My last semester was literally only one class. Well it was gonna be three. A drawing class, Art History, and this IT course. The drawing class was cancled for some reason and I left the IT course because I wanted to change my degree. Then I went to take a that drawing course again over the summer but that got canceled and by that time jobs had already finished hiring. I still gave some people my resume and stuff, but nobody called back, so :\ So the only [i]work[/i] I've done for all of 2014 was one single Art History class. I haven't actually had to take a full college class load in so long I'm really scared to go back, but I gotta do it for the degree and I really want to learn these skills so I'm trying my hardest to suck it the fuck up. I'm less sad and more scared shitless.

thinking about the successes of others my age really brings me down sometimes. i should pull myself back up though and continue sifting through colleges its a terrible thing to compare yourself to others especially when you're depressed. some of us have disabilities, skill deficits, or opportunities that are different from others and we do things in our own time

i got into contact with an old online friend a few days ago, just sent him one message, then he was wondering why i wasnt talking anymore. he thought he wasnt welcome to talk to me and i found that really touching because it showed that he cared about me ive become less talkative over the years. it bums me out a bit how closed up ive become, but im trying to open back up again. linked my steam profile to my account and got visitor messages set up again, at the very least as for life, i think its slowly getting better, although i found out my dad is getting laid off soon. i think we can still manage so im optimistic about things. ill still probably be able to go to college. got therapy and im seeing a job counselor now as well! motivations still hard to come by though

Anyone else get the feeling that you wanna go out and fight someone, or just go into a boxing ring or something? Thinking about joining a MMA club and fighting. Maybe it's good for my pent up aggression. Anyway, moved into a student collective and I'm actually liking it so far. A bit of getting used to, but it's nice to have someone around you.

Would anyone here from Aus/NZ like to add me on steam? It'd be nice to have more people to play games with.

[QUOTE=isnipeu;45579458]Would anyone here from Aus/NZ like to add me on steam? It'd be nice to have more people to play games with.[/QUOTE] You can hit me up if you really want, though honestly all I can play at the moment is TF2 and GMod because they're the only games that I don't get artifacts in. I might as well ask first rather than adding straight away in case you play other stuff.

[QUOTE=Weirdness;45579940]You can hit me up if you really want, though honestly all I can play at the moment is TF2 and GMod because they're the only games that I don't get artifacts in. I might as well ask first rather than adding straight away in case you play other stuff.[/QUOTE] Yeah that's fine, gmod is one of the games I normally play when I'm in the mood for multiplayer games. I do sometimes play TF2 aswell.

I've noticed I take a fairly big hit whenever I don't drink pepsi, or the caffeine to be more specific. I'm fairly sure I've grown a form of addiction to it as I feel like complete shit without it. head hurts, lightheaded, incredibly tired but at the same time don't have the ability to fall asleep, etc. I wonder if it's the caffeine withdrawals alone that makes me lightheaded, and not my situation. I always feel so out of place as if I'm dreaming, but I never have that sensation once I've had a fair amount of caffeine. there's a few more symptoms too like easy to piss off, but I don't think there's much reason to list all of them I generally don't like talking about addictions as it's so easy for it to just be placebo. see one symptom, and bam, you may as well feel like you have cancer as long as you believe in it.

[QUOTE=PredGD;45585861]I've noticed I take a fairly big hit whenever I don't drink pepsi, or the caffeine to be more specific. I'm fairly sure I've grown a form of addiction to it as I feel like complete shit without it. head hurts, lightheaded, incredibly tired but at the same time don't have the ability to fall asleep, etc. I wonder if it's the caffeine withdrawals alone that makes me lightheaded, and not my situation. I always feel so out of place as if I'm dreaming, but I never have that sensation once I've had a fair amount of caffeine. there's a few more symptoms too like easy to piss off, but I don't think there's much reason to list all of them I generally don't like talking about addictions as it's so easy for it to just be placebo. see one symptom, and bam, you may as well feel like you have cancer as long as you believe in it.[/QUOTE] Could try weening off of it, drinking less as time goes on and slowly replacing it with water. I get the same symptoms as you when I drink soda, but keeping hydrated with water seems to help with headaches and fatigue in my case.

[QUOTE=xxncxx;45587543]Could try weening off of it, drinking less as time goes on and slowly replacing it with water. I get the same symptoms as you when I drink soda, but keeping hydrated with water seems to help with headaches and fatigue in my case.[/QUOTE] yeah, it would probably be a good idea to try quitting. at the same time, it's also one of those things I don't want to quit. oh well [editline]4th August 2014[/editline] I keep getting these insane goosebumps every time I listen to slow music like post rock for example. not the "wow this is amazing goosebumps" but kinda "sad" goosebumps. I hope my shrink comes back from vacation soon. I keep having all these small things I want to say, but I don't want to clutter up this thread with small things. I'd rather make a post when I'm really down to vent, to question why stuff is like it is to try to get a picture of it or to ask for advice I really wish I had a friend. it sounds so melodramatic, but it's all I want at this point. I just want someone to be with and spend my time with, someones shoulder to cry on when things aren't looking too bright like it has for a year now. I wish I could go back in time and prevent all the things I did

Not sure how people will respond to this, but this is my current plan. I'll spend most of my time saving up money(about $10,000 - $20,000 USD), and once I reach that point, I plan on ending my life. The money will be used to namely to just take care of any funeral expenses, and any of my possessions will be either destroyed or given to family members. I cannot see myself having a family of my own, I already have thousands of experiences and stories to tell people, and I am honestly just bored of life as it goes. Once I complete that monetary goal, I'll probably take a few days to decide whether or not to go through it. If I decide that I will, I'll end up getting my will and other things out of the way, and if not... I'll donate half the money to a wildlife conservation fund and continue to save money to buy a small log cabin somewhere so I can enjoy a hunting and fishing lifestyle.

[QUOTE=JoeSkylynx;45595389]Not sure how people will respond to this, but this is my current plan. I'll spend most of my time saving up money(about $10,000 - $20,000 USD), and once I reach that point, I plan on ending my life. The money will be used to namely to just take care of any funeral expenses, and any of my possessions will be either destroyed or given to family members. I cannot see myself having a family of my own, I already have thousands of experiences and stories to tell people, and I am honestly just bored of life as it goes. Once I complete that monetary goal, I'll probably take a few days to decide whether or not to go through it. If I decide that I will, I'll end up getting my will and other things out of the way, and if not... I'll donate half the money to a wildlife conservation fund and continue to save money to buy a small log cabin somewhere so I can enjoy a hunting and fishing lifestyle.[/QUOTE] why not just live a simple life that allows you to hunt and fish in the first place? you dont need much money for that thats a way of life in the rural areas of this state

[QUOTE=elevate;45595402]why not just live a simple life that allows you to hunt and fish in the first place? you dont need much money for that thats a way of life in the rural areas of this state[/QUOTE] Most of my youth was spent that way. Sometimes staying for a week or so in a wooded area near my old apartment complex so that I could enjoy fishing in a local creek/river or go about watching local wildlife like deer and such. As much as I enjoy that life style, I have become bored of life all around. I have had so much fun already that I feel like I don't really have anything "new" to experience. The best way I can put it is that I just don't see the sparkle and dazzle in things anymore.

Hey everyone, I don't post much in this thread but something upcoming is giving me really bad anxiety so I thought I'd post about it. I'm taking my driving test tomorrow (I'm 19, so a couple years late too). I don't think I've practiced enough, but besides that is that driving in general gives me really bad anxiety. I'm pretty sure it stems from my social anxiety (if there was no one else on the road I'd feel completely comfortable). I'm usually able to deal with it by listening to music, but that isn't possible for the test. I might as well get everything else off my chest too, I haven't talked to anyone about this stuff and I don't really feel comfortable talking about it (even here). I can't really imagine a positive future for myself, I always figured once I move out of my parents' house I would take a couple years to get a grasp on what life will be like by myself and ultimately decide to kill myself. I haven't tried (or plan to in the near future) because I don't want any of my family to have to walk in on that. But, it's always been something that I think of as a certainty. I wouldn't say I'm unhappy or happy right now, I'm just kind of existing until I don't have to anymore. Anyway, hopefully I can get some sleep tonight; the tightness in my chest has been increasing throughout the day today because of my test tomorrow. I guess I'll post an update tomorrow on how it goes, I'll feel better when it's over with (for better or worse).