Depression, anxiety, suicidalism and similar disorders, issues and troubles V3 - Discussion, help an - General

I've done nothing today but solidify the idea that anything I attempt to accomplish will always fail. I can't fucking take these emotions bottled up anymore, I'm willing to do anything to get a break.

I don't think I've ever posted here before, but I need to talk about something. I feel as if I'm the biggest, laziest prick there ever was. Procrastinator doesn't even come close to describing me. I put off everything and then regret later. It's a cycle that I just can't break. I keep promising myself to finally get my shit together, but I just can't seem to do it. I am completely clueless as to why I do this to myself, even though I realize that if I just do what I need to do then I won't feel all of this guilt and regret. Yet, I still do it and it's eating away at me. I have periods of anxiety and existential dread and questioning whether or not I am going to be worth anything in the future. I have so many ambitions that I want to pursue but I just can't push myself hard enough. I haven't talked to anyone about this, and I think what I need is motivation. Surely, a successful future is motivation enough (or so I think) but it's apparently not the case. There's just some mental hurdle that I can't see, and I need someone to slap the shit out of me and clear my vision.

I got a whiplash from headbanging too hard to Meshuggah, but I still feel good being around people most of the time. One of my best ideas to move into a collective, and the people living here are cool. I usually get pretty anti-social if I don't talk to anyone for 2-3 days, so I need to stop sitting in my room all the time.

[QUOTE=Glitchman;45680720]I don't know if this is normal, but before I go to bed each night I get super depressed. I am 27, single, with an OK job. I live with my ex girlfriend (she broke up with me the first day she officially moved in) but that hasn't really gotten to me that much. It's more of a feeling of not being "successful" socially for my age, as well as financially. I work extremely hard, harder than a lot of people I know but I don't make that much, even if it is a professional job. I see people who have hurt me and others move on to make lots of money, get families, have huge parties and have fun, and meanwhile I'm alone working my butt off. I guess you can say it's a bit of jealousy. Everyone I go out with thinks I'm one of the funniest people they know, my boss thinks im the smartest person he knows, and my family tries to stay supportive but I don't hear from them much. I just feel sort of empty, like I'm getting older and missing out on things because I work too much, or can't relax.[/QUOTE] Yeah I know that feeling, I work my ass off at a job I'm locked into with generally awful people to be around and I make less than other people younger than me who work less hours. I then come home to nothing. On a strange plus side, I've found joy in Khan Academy and learning maths. It's like playing video games again :v: (I haven't played any games in like 2 months, I just don't have any cause to play them). I just wish I had more time to do it. I still hate my life though...

Right now I'm really having a hard time. Suicidal thoughts and urges are pretty powerful, but not overwhelming. I still say "No, I am not killing myself. Not today." So on the plus side, I am safe, even if that is a hard thing to do right now. Some things are really bad though. All the time I am screaming inside my head. Does that make sense? Does anybody else experience that? I scream at people and things and mostly myself, but not out loud. I yell at myself for being such a fuckup and I whisper back that it isn't true. I'm also feeling very isolated lately. Sure I spend time with people, but even then I still feel separate and alone. When I do things, I do them pretty mindlessly, like I'm on auto pilot. Then I realize that I've done something twice or that I haven't done it at all or something. This is a time when I have to be very careful and diligent to keep myself safe.

I think I've hit the point where I've nothing to occupy myself anymore, again. feels bad man I keep entering my steam library with the thought of playing something to occupy myself, but the second I'm about the launch the game or when I have launched it, I kinda just say no and don't do it/exit the game. I keep breaking every game down to what it actually is and ignore everything that makes it fun it sounds the same for friends. what's the point of being together if all you two do is the same thing everyday? be it games, instruments, hanging out, etc. I get tired of people so fast since it's all I see. surely I must be having the wrong thought process when it comes to this kind of stuff. nothing really seems worth it, as in the end, what did I achieve? either I drift apart from so said friend or stop playing the game I was playing. maybe I have this subconscious goal to make a difference in the world [editline]15th August 2014[/editline] don't mean to be pessimistic, but I sometimes wonder how I hold out. been sitting in the same room for over a year now, and last time I was with a "friend" was in September last year. been treated for soon 2 years now, and all that has happened has been me getting worse. in the beginning, I took the train to the city to meet my shrink, and gradually stopped doing that. eventually another shrink started attending to me since I couldn't make it anymore, and then I stopped eating upstairs with my family. now a third shrink has come into play, and now I can't even go upstairs to get food anymore. my mother brings it down now since I feel so ashamed when going upstairs, being a big mess. so much self-neglect oh well, maybe the hospital thing will make stuff better. if I manage to go at all

I'm getting really tired of being labeled as "anti-furry". I keep thinking I'm not but who knows I could be wrong because I get a lot of Steam Messages/PMs/Visitor Messages about it.

is there anywhere I can vent completely anonymous in a non-chat format?

/r/depression [editline]16th August 2014[/editline] /r/offmychest [editline]16th August 2014[/editline] *make a throwaway account

[QUOTE=LuaChobo;45713183]dont you guys love it when you care about someone and they keep making stupid fucking decisions and ignore your advice completely to the point where you just give up trying sure is good mhmm[/QUOTE] They're probably really emotially unstable atm Don't give up, he or she probably needs you

well I'm going cold turkey with my sleeping schedule so that I can un-screw it, and I basically gotta last 19 hours or so. Basically I slept five hours, stayed up for that amount of time, and then had about a 4 hour nap because I was utterly exhausted. Now, I'm quite refreshed and coherent so I'm just gonna try to last until 6 PM since I got up at around 11:30 or so. At least I've got a metric assload of free time. I can do some chores to make life easier for my mom, watch stuff, play games, whatever. The most exciting thing I'm probably going to do today is go out to take a walk and get some grub.

[QUOTE=LuaChobo;45715004]yeah I had to do that recently after neighbors had a party until 5am and my sleep schedule got fucked, I was waking up at 7pm every day for a week Stay off the caffeine, even if you try to time it so you can get to sleep at a good time it'l absolutely shit up your sleep[/QUOTE] I can get away with having coffee or tea now, but I always set a set limit of no caffeine around 6 hours before I go to bed.

[QUOTE=LuaChobo;45715036]It depends on your body size, I'm super skinny with a massively huge metabolism and I'm fucked if I have coffee 5 hours before bed. Just make sure you are doing stuff all day, don't sit down and watch TV/Play videogames because you will just end up giving up and sleeping cold turkey hurts[/QUOTE] I easily get restless, so I move around if I'm just sitting on my ass for too long.

serotonin syndrome again. 3rd time it's happened. Knew it was probably going to happen if I tried taking SSRI's again but I couldn't deal with my depression anymore. It really got bad recently.

I really want to hang some people who work for Blue Shield. The fuckers won't let me just goto a GP for anti-depressants.

[QUOTE=Weirdness;45716215]serotonin syndrome again. 3rd time it's happened. Knew it was probably going to happen if I tried taking SSRI's again but I couldn't deal with my depression anymore. It really got bad recently.[/QUOTE] What dosage were you taking?

This is just kind of a ramble so feel free to ignore this -- I get the feeling no matter how much I improve with my depression or get better, it's eventually going to be the end of me. I keep coming back to the thought of suicide. Even when I'm doing well, it rears its head in. The antidepressants seem to make me more stable, but it doesn't always stop that compulsion. It's kind of scary.

i dont know if this is anything like actual depression, but sometimes i just get horribly, hopelessly sad. its a mood swing. they last in duration anywhere from about five minutes to around two days. they can be provoked or unprovoked. they happen in any frequency from once every two or three days to a few times a day. when these swings come on, i am severely negatively affected. does anyone know firsthand or secondhand about anything like this?

I've been lonely for ages, and basically it's my fault because I'm such a basket case to talk to and I can't even keep a basic friendship going.

i like to keep to myself and am usually content with being alone. then as soon as i actually realise that, well, im alone, i start to feel really bad.

[QUOTE=LuaChobo;45724717]defcon 1 defcon 1 this is now a nuclear explosion of drama and shit [editline]18th August 2014[/editline] i may aswell explain the situation as long as people dont mind it is a long story[/QUOTE] We're all ears.

Man, you're in a hard situation. I can speak from experience from a similar situation i was in. It's a hard choice, and there is no clear right answer. For what it's worth, I believe that trying to save somebody is not always the right choice. What I mean by that is relationships of all types are hard and when one or both parties are having trouble, you have to make choices about how much emotional energy you can invest. You can do everything right reach out to a friend in need, but in the end, it's their choice to take your hand or not. Eventually you realize that they aren't going to take it, that you love them and they love you but you are two different people going on two paths and you can't follow them and they can't follow you and it's time to move on. That doesn't have to mean abandoning them or cutting all contact, it just means stepping back and looking at what you need to do rather than what you want to do. And it's not an easy choice and whatever you choose will feel wrong and will feel like shit because this is one of those games that nobody wins. Fuck me I thought I was going to be helpful with this but I think that backfired.

[QUOTE=Roll_Program;45719119]What dosage were you taking?[/QUOTE] only 20mg. It's not it alone though that's doing it, it's one of my supplements mixing with the antidepressant that's making it happen.

I need to vent. Me and my friends wanted to study together, so we all applied to the same university in hopes that we'd be able to finally experience real life. Thing is, I was the only one who didn't get accepted, and as such, I was forced to stay at home to study at a school here. It's not that bad, I still get to study something I'm interested in. But I'm without my friends, and that drags me down. The past few weeks before uni I've started to become progressively more and more depressed, and I haven't felt so fucking bad in four years. Though I have suffered from a lengthy depression for quite some time, after my friends left town I've just dropped completely. I've started to become more and more aggressive, and more emotional, to the point where I have a fucking meltdown over the smallest of things, like insults on forums or my dogs barking, or a slight latency lag on online video games. I've never felt so lonely before, and to make matters worse, all my attempts to get to know people in my class has more or less failed. Whenever I try to get contact with someone we only exchange a few sentences before they shove me aside for someone more desirable to talk with. It's like middle school again. Only now, we're all adults and conscious of what's going on. I don't have a girl/boyfriend either, and when I see everyone around me being happy with someone they care so much about, I get sad and just want to go away. It's painful because I've never experienced love, just rejection and loathe. On top of that, I keep getting in arguments with my dad. It can be anything from politics to simply the definition of "bad weather". It gets really heated, and I can feel that the rest of the household suffers from this. But I can't help it if he's going to keep this up. And it feels like a lot of people in my friends list on Steam has started to avoid me completely. There was this bunch of people I used to play with regularly but now whenever I invite them to a game they don't feel like it, but suddenly 30 minutes later they're playing the same game with someone else, and when I ask if I can join, they're either not responding or telling me the server/party is full. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm dropping down at a consistent rate, but I don't want to hit the bottom again, not after what almost happened last time. I hate this so fucking much.

[QUOTE=Limed00d;45727080]I need to vent. Me and my friends wanted to study together, so we all applied to the same university in hopes that we'd be able to finally experience real life. Thing is, I was the only one who didn't get accepted, and as such, I was forced to stay at home to study at a school here. It's not that bad, I still get to study something I'm interested in. But I'm without my friends, and that drags me down. The past few weeks before uni I've started to become progressively more and more depressed, and I haven't felt so fucking bad in four years. Though I have suffered from a lengthy depression for quite some time, after my friends left town I've just dropped completely. I've started to become more and more aggressive, and more emotional, to the point where I have a fucking meltdown over the smallest of things, like insults on forums or my dogs barking, or a slight latency lag on online video games. I've never felt so lonely before, and to make matters worse, all my attempts to get to know people in my class has more or less failed. Whenever I try to get contact with someone we only exchange a few sentences before they shove me aside for someone more desirable to talk with. It's like middle school again. Only now, we're all adults and conscious of what's going on. I don't have a girl/boyfriend either, and when I see everyone around me being happy with someone they care so much about, I get sad and just want to go away. It's painful because I've never experienced love, just rejection and loathe. On top of that, I keep getting in arguments with my dad. It can be anything from politics to simply the definition of "bad weather". It gets really heated, and I can feel that the rest of the household suffers from this. But I can't help it if he's going to keep this up. And it feels like a lot of people in my friends list on Steam has started to avoid me completely. There was this bunch of people I used to play with regularly but now whenever I invite them to a game they don't feel like it, but suddenly 30 minutes later they're playing the same game with someone else, and when I ask if I can join, they're either not responding or telling me the server/party is full. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm dropping down at a consistent rate, but I don't want to hit the bottom again, not after what almost happened last time. I hate this so fucking much.[/QUOTE] Man, I feel a lot of that. Please feel free to add me on Steam. If you ever need someone to lend an ear, I'll be happy to do it for you. I don't have many games, but if you ever want to play something then we can hop into something.

[QUOTE=Limed00d;45727080]I need to vent. Me and my friends wanted to study together, so we all applied to the same university in hopes that we'd be able to finally experience real life. Thing is, I was the only one who didn't get accepted, and as such, I was forced to stay at home to study at a school here. It's not that bad, I still get to study something I'm interested in. But I'm without my friends, and that drags me down. The past few weeks before uni I've started to become progressively more and more depressed, and I haven't felt so fucking bad in four years. Though I have suffered from a lengthy depression for quite some time, after my friends left town I've just dropped completely. I've started to become more and more aggressive, and more emotional, to the point where I have a fucking meltdown over the smallest of things, like insults on forums or my dogs barking, or a slight latency lag on online video games. I've never felt so lonely before, and to make matters worse, all my attempts to get to know people in my class has more or less failed. Whenever I try to get contact with someone we only exchange a few sentences before they shove me aside for someone more desirable to talk with. It's like middle school again. Only now, we're all adults and conscious of what's going on. I don't have a girl/boyfriend either, and when I see everyone around me being happy with someone they care so much about, I get sad and just want to go away. It's painful because I've never experienced love, just rejection and loathe. On top of that, I keep getting in arguments with my dad. It can be anything from politics to simply the definition of "bad weather". It gets really heated, and I can feel that the rest of the household suffers from this. But I can't help it if he's going to keep this up. And it feels like a lot of people in my friends list on Steam has started to avoid me completely. There was this bunch of people I used to play with regularly but now whenever I invite them to a game they don't feel like it, but suddenly 30 minutes later they're playing the same game with someone else, and when I ask if I can join, they're either not responding or telling me the server/party is full. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm dropping down at a consistent rate, but I don't want to hit the bottom again, not after what almost happened last time. I hate this so fucking much.[/QUOTE] I added you too on Steam, maybe we can chat sometime? :)

Kinda went a bit stupid on some Lithium tablets last night, ones i got perscribed almost 6 months ago and didnt take for very long.

i need to start surrounding myself with actually decent people

[QUOTE=Limed00d;45727080]I need to vent. Me and my friends wanted to study together, so we all applied to the same university in hopes that we'd be able to finally experience real life. Thing is, I was the only one who didn't get accepted, and as such, I was forced to stay at home to study at a school here. It's not that bad, I still get to study something I'm interested in. But I'm without my friends, and that drags me down. The past few weeks before uni I've started to become progressively more and more depressed, and I haven't felt so fucking bad in four years. Though I have suffered from a lengthy depression for quite some time, after my friends left town I've just dropped completely. I've started to become more and more aggressive, and more emotional, to the point where I have a fucking meltdown over the smallest of things, like insults on forums or my dogs barking, or a slight latency lag on online video games. I've never felt so lonely before, and to make matters worse, all my attempts to get to know people in my class has more or less failed. Whenever I try to get contact with someone we only exchange a few sentences before they shove me aside for someone more desirable to talk with. It's like middle school again. Only now, we're all adults and conscious of what's going on. I don't have a girl/boyfriend either, and when I see everyone around me being happy with someone they care so much about, I get sad and just want to go away. It's painful because I've never experienced love, just rejection and loathe. On top of that, I keep getting in arguments with my dad. It can be anything from politics to simply the definition of "bad weather". It gets really heated, and I can feel that the rest of the household suffers from this. But I can't help it if he's going to keep this up. And it feels like a lot of people in my friends list on Steam has started to avoid me completely. There was this bunch of people I used to play with regularly but now whenever I invite them to a game they don't feel like it, but suddenly 30 minutes later they're playing the same game with someone else, and when I ask if I can join, they're either not responding or telling me the server/party is full. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm dropping down at a consistent rate, but I don't want to hit the bottom again, not after what almost happened last time. I hate this so fucking much.[/QUOTE] I'm kinda late but I feel you. I've been feeling that kinda thing a lot lately, especially since I decided to take a year before heading to college. I kind of wasn't anticipating how lonely it'd feel not being around people as often as I was when school was around. I'd be up for talking to you on steam if you like, you're a really cool guy. I don't play games with people super often but I love talking and I like listening if someone needs a shoulder to cry on or something.

[QUOTE=Magic Scrumpy;45730291]Man, I feel a lot of that. Please feel free to add me on Steam. If you ever need someone to lend an ear, I'll be happy to do it for you. I don't have many games, but if you ever want to play something then we can hop into something.[/QUOTE] [QUOTE=UncouthJungle;45735318]I added you too on Steam, maybe we can chat sometime? :)[/QUOTE] [QUOTE=HWECQI;45755555]I'm kinda late but I feel you. I've been feeling that kinda thing a lot lately, especially since I decided to take a year before heading to college. I kind of wasn't anticipating how lonely it'd feel not being around people as often as I was when school was around. I'd be up for talking to you on steam if you like, you're a really cool guy. I don't play games with people super often but I love talking and I like listening if someone needs a shoulder to cry on or something.[/QUOTE] Thanks guys, really appreciate it. I'll add the rest of you when I get home. [editline]21st August 2014[/editline] I've had a relatively good week though. For instance, I've had fun learning the basics in 3D modelling, and we have an awesome teacher, so at least I don't go to school with a lead-heavy heart.