Depression, anxiety, suicidalism and similar disorders, issues and troubles V3 - Discussion, help an - General

[QUOTE=Rexxasaurus;45833326]Wiped nearly everyone off my friend's list. I honestly feel that the people I removed were just pity friends, but I'm probably wrong. I know I'm not a good friend but none of these people talk back and I feel like I'm screwing up if I talk to them, because its always the wrong thing. Whatever, I can't even keep a decent friendship going to save my life.[/QUOTE] Yes hello I am your friend and I am probably just as bad as keeping friendships as you are but I do not pity you in the least, I've just been really busy myself but i'm pretty sure you were my first facepunch friend, too so I would like to keep being your friend so please accept me back on Steam so we can like talk and stuff and hopefully play games in the future, yes. (though I'm going out to work right now) You're a realy cool guy, Rexxeh and you're not a bad friend in the least. Friendships go two ways, and in my case I'm bad at keeping friendships myself but I know you're a lot better at it than you think: your'e really cool, ok? ok

Life is finally going good for me. Started school and I got a lot of new friends, and I've even gotten a girlfriend!! Too bad I had to get sick, and I'm now laying in bed since I'm so tired I can't do anything else. Anyways, if your life sucks, move to another city and start again/start studying. That's all I can say now.

apparently my mother had invited the girl I've posted about before and her mother over today without letting me know. combined with a completely flipped sleep schedule (I wake up around midnight and it's 7pm now), anxiety related to not showering before social stuff, and then you got all the other stuff on top of that, not a very good situation I want to, but at the same time I'm not sure. it feels like a missed opportunity by not doing it [editline]29th August 2014[/editline] I generally not care of what I'm incapable of when thinking of my condition, but when it comes to this, I'm very frustrated [editline]29th August 2014[/editline] so I figure out that I want to do it. I try to go upstairs, no dice. I figure I'll call my mom to tell her to come down, but I'm afraid it'll come off as weird. then I figure out, why not just dress up and act as if I'm supposed to go up just to see if properly getting dressed will make me happier about myself. nope I think I'll just go to bed and stop trying

Well its barely been a week into my new college life and I'm already pretty depressed. Things were okay up until tonight. I actually worked up the courage to befriend a couple of people but unfortunately they are in a residence hall very far from mine. I have awful social anxiety so I didn't make a whole lot of friends in my classes as of yet. The main reason I feel so awful tonight is because it's a friday night and I'm just sitting in my dorm alone because I don't know what to do and pretty much everyone seems to be hanging out with their friends. Heck my roommate (who seems like a pretty chill guy) will often just leave for hours and so far hasn't asked me if I wanted to hang out or do anything.

The only person in my life who I ever considered to be a "close friend" lied about her life (lied about being raped 100 times, bulimia, psychotic episodes as a child, ptsd and everything under the sun) in order to gain sympathy from me. I rarely make friends but she was the only person in my life that I felt comfortable with sharing my true thoughts & feelings and she lied about everything, and I can't even open up to people anymore after this because I can't trust anyone now. Jokes on her though, I have an impaired sense of empathy. But it's just the idea that she lied about her entire life just makes me question whether or not anything I hear is true or just a lie. Now its even harder for me to open up to people.

So my doctor agree'd to put me on something while we wait for my appointment to come up... 80mg of Prozac a day to be exact. Yayyyyyyyyy

No sleep in over 34 hours. Woooooooooo.

I'm applying for a job, I need 3 references. lmao who is even a good reference, this is my first job and I don't think my friends are willing to be a reference. [editline]30th August 2014[/editline] Like I have one, and it was for volunteer work.

[QUOTE=ROFLBURGER;45846450]I'm applying for a job, I need 3 references. lmao who is even a good reference, this is my first job and I don't think my friends are willing to be a reference. [editline]30th August 2014[/editline] Like I have one, and it was for volunteer work.[/QUOTE] School, professional contacts.

My anxiety is creeping back, and I really regret something. In Norway, in the last year of high school you become a "russ", which is basicly a way to party after you are done with school. I decided that I would run for the leader of the "17. Of May train" which is a tradition here. Now I feel stupid and not confident at all so I'm going to pull myself out of the race, even though I was really likely to win. I just can't do it because of my anxiety. Also, things are coming back to normal, other then the bursts of "why the fuck do I still live?" Thoughts popping in every so often.

I've finished uni completely, got no deadlines or anything, and yet the random dizzy spells/mini anxiety attacks are coming back. Fuck sake.

I've been talking to my ex every day still since we broke up and I know how bad an idea that is but I still hate to see them so upset even though I know they'd of course be upset since we broke up. They say they've changed though and still want to get back together and I see signs of change but at the same time they continue to be manipulative and while they say they love me and they'll wait as long as they need for me to think, it's only been 4 days and they are asking for ultimatums. I haven't even had time to think because this is only the 4thday and I haven't even had time to think because I've been too busy talking to them with most of my free time, still. They keep making me feel like shit that I'm not just trying again but can't even respect that I don't think I could ever try again and they say I don't care and can't accept that I love them, despite the fact I know I do still and I'm sitting here talking to them, as opposed to my historically-accurate past of just cutting off all contact from my exes. I do still care about them but they expect to me just be able to get back together with them in an instant, or be able to know whether I want to or not. They were incredibly toxic for me, and not just the manipulation but the constant worrying I had about their self-harm, suicide, or just my fucking up the relationship. And they say I shouldn't worry anymore, yet turn around and leave then I act the same worried way I do and they continue to post negative things on their Tumblr (which Im still following) and I'm worried they're going ot kill themselves but I have no way of helping when I only have contact with them and they live thousands of miles away on the other side of the country and I tried sending them a message via phone (since they removed me on Skype) and I can't keep doing this—this is exactly what was a huge issue with our relationship. They say I have time to relax and think yet I've had no time to relax when they admit they've not been ok and they still do this and I just.. fuck. and after trying to get them to not kill themselves by downing a bottle of pills I do'nt think I've gotten anywhere, except now they say they finally hate me and i'm so fuckgin conflicted still part of me wants to be mad because they lied and said they'd give me time when they gave me none and they haven't matured or changed at all—3 and a half or 4 days is not enough to be able to think over a serious relationship with someone who has put you through a lot (and then say to me to get us together we've been throug hso much, yet when I bring it up say we haven't been throuhg anything) and yet on top ofthis I' mstill so worried htey'll kill themselves and someone else who is / was close to me I'll have lost like this [probably more to come, my pc keeps crashing literally every few minutes and I've re-typed this like 3 times now] and I'm sorry to post here yuet again. It only infiruates me more against myself and makes me feel even shittier and annoying that I bother you all with having such stupid walls of text in front of your scrolling

^^How many ex do you have ?

I think it'd be wise to let go, both for their and your own sake. I was very manipulative myself in my previous relationship. after an abrupt end and almost two years later, it's easy to see how that relationship went down a destructive path. if we were to stay in contact, no matter how much I wish it would happen and still wish for, nothing good would ever come out of it. it would be more fighting and me being jealous, and I'm sure things would be even worse as I would have less control too, for me at least. I'm still pretty sad over that relationship ending, but for me it has been a valuable lesson. it was the thing that started this entire depression rollercoaster after all, so it's a pretty big punishment for doing as I did. now I know for sure how not to act in my next relationship to say the least I really miss the good times we had though, but I can only thank myself for what happened to us

[QUOTE=fritzel;45852845]^^How many ex do you have ?[/QUOTE] they're a single person. gender-neutral because just is

I've become so bitter that i dont care if the person im with would leave, i mean i love her but she can fuck off any day and it wont make a blind bit of difference to me anymore. But god i love her. My big fat asian thing.

I think I've gained a bunch of weight. I've been drinking a lot of soda, eating a lot of food, and sitting on my ass all day coding. Idk just seems expected that it will happen and my stomach seems larger.

[QUOTE=ROFLBURGER;45859915]I think I've gained a bunch of weight. I've been drinking a lot of soda, eating a lot of food, and sitting on my ass all day coding. Idk just seems expected that it will happen and my stomach seems larger.[/QUOTE] Same here, after my grandparents died I drank a lot of Coke and didn't exercise much at all. I really need to start again...

I just had the craziest breakdown ever. I tried going to bed, and for some reason everything just crashed upon me. I kept thinking about stuff that I didn't want to remember. Like why does nobody love me? Why did I get bullied in school? Why did they do horrendous things to me, but never say anything about it? Why am I worrying about this crap that happened to me years ago? Even now there's shit that I keep thinking about. Stuff that has happened to me the past few months. I didn't ask for it, why me? Why did I have to ssee one of my friends come home in a casket? And I couldnt be over there to help him. Why do I have to go through asll this, just to know that nobody will understand. Why is there so much hatred in the world. It makes me feel so helpless. Like why do I even bother. I just hate people so much. I dont like being around them, and i dont want to contijnue if this keeps happening. Ive been drinking too much so I;m sorry. Im going to go talk to my roonmate about it, i need help. like right now. And sorry that I shared this with you all. I just need to vent this. [editline].01SEP14[/editline] Nevermind I dont think he wants to listen. I'm going to try and sleep for the night. Yall have a good one.

I don't know what to do. Recently shit has gone down, I'm in year 10 and turning 16 in october. Since I was four my parents have been split and since then I have been told that my mum doesn't love me and that she wants me for money from my dad and that my dad doesn't love me and wants me for money. I haven't said I love you to my family since ever since I can remember, not even in messaging. The subject selection for my senior school is shitty so my dad is trying to convince me to live with him, every time I have ever mentioned moving to my dads to my mum she cries and says that I hate her. In year 2+ my eldest brother (5-6 years older then me) would harass me and physically abuse me, I remember coming home from school everyday and practicing need for speed because if my brother couldn't finish a race, I had too, and if I lost their were consequences. He put me in a box once, tied it up and said to act like a dog or he will hurt me so I did. When his friend came over I had to bark like a dog and after he started stabbing through the box. He didn't hit me thankfully and his friend said don't hurt the dog. (He still didn't know) He did so much shit every day, I would leave for school at 7am, school started at 9 and it took me 5mins to walk. I remember waiting for the gates to open in the freezing cold every morning. for about 4 years this happened, chocking, bashing, everything. In year 5 I wished he would die, my wish was granted and I felt like shit. I feel bad because I didn't cry at his funeral. It didn't really affect me much at school, or maybe I hid it away from myself. But it's back now. Love is also a piece of shit I don't want to get into, it's complicated. Everything bad in my life is coming in one big shock and I can't handle it, probably because I'm under stress about what to do with my life, it's coming to the end of the year, also my brother was born and died this month. I'm having panic attacks, I'm in some random part of my school now and someone is harassing me, no idea who it is cause they keep throwing shit at me and hiding. I hate talking to my friends about depression. It makes me really angry when people ask me what's wrong. I'm hiding from my friends because of that. Now I just hide behind my ear phones because it keeps me distracted from everything. I need help and I don't know what to do, it's recess right now and I'm on my phone so sorry if I have grammar mistakes.

does anyone ever get happy for a period because of something that would normally have made you happy and then you feel even more depressed than before also hi, gad and mdd here, dealing with school is really hard, anxiety runs on my dad's side and depression on my mom's, and of course i got hit with both

[QUOTE=LuaChobo;45868245]ay, anyone here have experience with Pristiq? I just got prescribed it in 50mg a day, stuff im finding online is generally positive[/QUOTE] I've been on 100mg daily for almost two years now

Tried stopping the NAC and all I got in return is my moodswings back. Back on Fluoxetine though, one every third day. Only way to stop me from getting serotonin syndrome again. It stopped me bottoming out until I stopped the NAC. Still wasn't productive though, just not hating myself as much. What sucks is that once again I'm unable to do any happy nighttime thinking in bed, making up stories and shit. I'm trying to figure out what I've been doing different but there's no pattern. So I'm back to stuffing melatonin into me so I don't just lie in bed wishing I was dead. But what really sucked today is that I had a mandatory staff meeting of everyone in our store. As soon as I got there I was practically only noticed the whole time by two chicks I work with, both of which funnily enough are in the same rostering predicament as I am (one shift a week only) and I barely ever see anymore. The guys that I work with and see practically every time I work on the other hand barely gave me notice, which hurt because the last time we had a staff meeting they invited me over to their table so we could talk while the meeting was going on. The icing on the cake however was seeing the one guy, who pretty much walked into the store hating me unconditionally and makes fun of me constantly and talks about me to everyone else, who is everyone's favourite, become a shift manager. The same position I tried for and had to abandon going for because of crippling depression, anxiety and suffering with the aftershock of my encephalitis. Honestly I feel terribly useless. It's not that I don't want to make progress in my life, it's that at every turn more and more shit gets piled on and my self doubt gets stronger and stronger. I feel like I don't belong anywhere. All I have are my internet friends to talk to and even they have social lives. I'm hoping that my mood perks up with summer coming. I haven't had a proper cycling routine for 6 months and I've been neglecting so much shit. The only sorta good thing is that I've ordered something else to try and help my mood and brain. I have no clue if it'll work. I'm afraid that the placebo effect will be behind the biggest results from it. But I have to keep trying. [editline]3rd September 2014[/editline] God my sentencing structuring is all over the place. Sorry. I've had shitty sleep patterns the last 3 days.

my teeth have gotten worse since I last posted about them. I most likely have periodontitis as I said last time. I got some disinfectant in form of mouth wash and a new, soft toothbrush to be able to brush my teeth without having too much pain. that's a few months ago now, and I haven't really shaped up in the dental apartment. even when I brush my teeth with this soft one, even more blood comes out. half of what I spit out is blood alone and I end up bleeding for a while even after brushing my teeth. I have very obvious indents in the pockets at the root of my teeth. my teeth are far from loose, but I'm really worried I've reached the point where the damage is done. combine this with me being unable to go outdoors, it makes it sort of difficult to get to a dentist. I've never actually made an attempt to form a routine, so maybe I should begin with the routine of brushing my teeth and using disinfectant daily

My antidepressants aren't working. I think about killing myself at least once a day now. I'll be surprised if I'm not gone before the year is out. I'm overweight, I'm not smart, I'm not nice, I'm not funny, I'm lazy and I disappoint people a lot of the time. I'm unreliable as hell and it'd honestly be better for everyone if I was gone. I've whipped myself with a belt a few times for not being good enough. I just want the pain of being inadequate and useless to go away

I've been having another issue related to my mental health. I thought I had reached the bottom since I didn't feel much different for a while, and it still feels like it for me, but I've gotten a lot more aggressive. it doesn't affect me all that much, but I feel really bad for my mom as I keep shoving her off and trying to do everything I can to prevent contact. I haven't even looked her in the eyes for soon over a week. I'm such a mess, and as I've posted before, I'm pretty much never outside my room. she brings me food everyday and takes care of me, yet I'm giving her a rough time by avoiding her and quickly losing my temper. I can say "oh, but I don't mean it! it's just how stuff currently is and it'll get better soon" hundreds of times, but I know she won't really believe it even if she says she does. it's the same deal with my grandpa, he's there for me and helps out a lot. I really don't know how to be appreciative [editline]3rd September 2014[/editline] I'm not really worried for myself when we speak of how I'm feeling. days can get boring, but I'm nowhere near offing myself. may have given up in a degree, but I'm still sure things will get bright one day. what worries me is my family and my health. then there's the out of world experiences aka super dizzy/lightheaded pretty much all day which I can't explain. I really need to go to a doctor, but I can't [editline]3rd September 2014[/editline] I suppose this is one of these days where I can't help myself but keep posting here, having it kind of rough right now I get these feelings whenever I hear a slow, upbeat song. all the thoughts from my ex, from encounters with friends, etc. I used to have a great friendship with another guy here on FP. it's still there and he's still my best buddy, but it's no longer what it was. we'd talk using mic whenever we could, play games together and generally had a good time. now I have an insane amount of anxiety related to mics and I can't talk at all. it's weird to play games without a mic. it's all kind of falling apart due to my issues with talking. then there's all the good times I had with my ex. lazy sundays, surprise visits to her, late nights together, aimlessly wandering around outside and talking, etc. I feel like a terrible person for doing all I did to her I've had friends too, and apparently a lot of people liked me. I've always struggled with anxiety and low self esteem so I never believed them, but they saw something I didn't. I've always portrayed myself as the weirdo, the guy no one wants to associate with, the ugly guy. "that" guy. it might have been true back in middle school, but that's middle school for you. I changed drastically during that time, so maybe I'm just clenching onto hold facts it's weird to think that just a year ago I was able to travel to town, take the train, go out in the public. I had my fair share of issues back then too, but it was nowhere as bad as it is right now. it's weird to think of, it's so gradual it feels like I've always been here. I miss the good times I'm not sure what I get from this. it's always the same when I post here. people rarely care unless it's relateable (which is understandable, no offense intended) and I'll just regret posting this tomorrow when I'm feeling better [editline]3rd September 2014[/editline] I must have hit my venting threshold

Back on NAC. The mood swings were crazy, swear they weren't this bad before. I'll try again soon though. Need to figure out if it was going off the NAC or just me having a shit couple of days. I'm still incredibly frustrated though. I have absolutely no drive whatsoever and no real enjoyment, and I'm still really irritable and short with everyone. Might start going to bed earlier. And drawing again. Seems to get my creative juices flowing before sleeping. Though, I'm still worried I'm never going to recapture my spark and love for the things I used to love again. I've been trying so many things and the best progress I've made is simply not feeling as horribly. I'm worried that all the things I had planned aren't going to come to fruition. Because this isn't a case of not wanting to or being lazy, my brain just doesn't want to work as it used to. Everything is harder now. Scarily it seems as if it's getting harder still. Time to sleep.

[QUOTE=Zillamaster55;45879959]My antidepressants aren't working. I think about killing myself at least once a day now. I'll be surprised if I'm not gone before the year is out. I'm overweight, I'm not smart, I'm not nice, I'm not funny, I'm lazy and I disappoint people a lot of the time. I'm unreliable as hell and it'd honestly be better for everyone if I was gone. I've whipped myself with a belt a few times for not being good enough. I just want the pain of being inadequate and useless to go away[/QUOTE] How long you been taking them. They dont become really effective until two months i find.

This week has been pretty shit Like a bunch of shit has hit me at once. I pretty much found out I can't handle jobs, people are being shitheads for literally no reason, I'm loosing a lot of games in dota (lol), I wont get the money my parents borrowed from me for a while. Like I'm not depressed about it, I'm just really pissed. [editline]3rd September 2014[/editline] Oh plus I'm absolutely pissed at my sexuality [editline]3rd September 2014[/editline] And it's like I have nowhere to vent about this (I'm not asking for a ear, I'm not letting you listen because shit like this is too personal)

My tickets have arrived to be with my fiance for a month. ^_^ Though the Return ticket says I am staying for two months... I was considering rebooking my tickets, but staying up there for two months seems very tempting. Will be worth having another long break away from this shithole island. Unsure whether work and my counselor would be okay with me being away for that long, but right now? I don't really care if they are okay with it or not. And what I really need as well as want, is to be with my partner and to be away from "home" for a while.